“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo
Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?
Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?
First there is the breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling on the couch. Then, suddenly, it’s all gone.
Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Often, you wish you could talk to that person to obtain some closure and some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed and that you meant something…anything.
Why They Avoid You
If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners (me—raising hand), who would rather stare at Facebook or play video games than have an actual conversation, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Sometimes you have to make closure for yourself.
What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.
Closure is something everyone would like. We would like validation and understanding.
We can accept that someone doesn’t want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.
Unfortunately, sometimes your partner does not have this same need, or they may have the same need but they’re better at hiding it and pretending they don’t. They would rather just push you, and their feelings, away.
In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.
Many people don’t know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.
The First Time
I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times, and it’s awful. No one likes to be ignored, and no one likes to not get answers to their questions. But, what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.
It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for two and a half years.
I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. So, every month or so, after the first year and a half, I would say, “Is it time to break up yet? I’m not really happy.” Every time he would shake his head and say, “No, no, no.” He looked so forlorn at the idea of me ending it, so I stayed.
But eventually, the time came. He was moving to another city, and I was planning to come visit his new place once he got all settled in. Then the strangest thing happened. During the moving period he started being super nice to me, abnormally nice, and I knew right then something was up. I knew he was struggling with trying to commit to me.
Of course he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could come out for my visit.
I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.
He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.
I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship (I knew he would never really make me happy), but for the friendship I thought we had. But apparently, we had nothing.
Like a dummy, I reached out to him again three months later, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.
After that call I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.
When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that. I’m not sure I have 100%.
The only thing I could do was to look at my mistakes and my behavior patterns and work on my side of the street, because I was never going to get answers or closure from him.
The Second Time
The second time I had to get closure on my own was with my last boyfriend. I actually ended things, but when I sent him on his way, I left the door open. I asked him to think about some things, and he said, “I guess I have a lot to think about.”
I figured I’d eventually hear back with a yes or no. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Isn’t that what he implied? I thought so.
Apparently, I was wrong. Again. He didn’t call.
A few months later, after doing a lot of soul searching, I called and asked if we could try again. He said no. I accepted his decision. I was sad, but it was time to move on.
A month later he called and said he was willing to try again. So I tried. He didn’t. We spent a week together, then he left and I never heard from him again. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how he could never say anything. Not even talk to me. Why couldn’t he say, “I really care about you, but I can’t” or something.
Again, I had to accept that he is who he is, and he isn’t going to change. I knew this when I decided to try again, and looking back I should have known better. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I was hoping for something that was what I wanted it to be, not reality.
I’m still not sure I have 100% closure with him either, but I know that reaching out to him will only hurt me more, and I know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants. I can only control myself and my actions and how I deal with the ending of another relationship that I thought could mean something.
If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.
Try This
If you are struggling with getting closure with an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction, or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that DVD you let them borrow?
If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:
1. Write a letter.
Write one every day if you need to. Don’t send it; just get the feelings out there.
2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.
We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.
What if what they are really thinking is this? Do you think they are going to tell you?
- I’m afraid to be open and be hurt again.
- I don’t think I can give this person what they need.
- Being vulnerable is too scary.
- He/she is too good for me.
- My abandonment issues have triggered my unconscious need to be alone.
3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it.
You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.
4. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper.
- “I am hurt.”
- “I am angry.”
- “I am sad.”
- “I am devastated.”
- “I am heartbroken.”
- “I feel rejected.”
Get a fireproof bowl and fill it with some sand. Put all the little pieces of paper in the bowl and light them on fire. Watch the words burn and with them, let the feelings go.
5. Be alone.
Be still. Cry and be sad over the loss. Accept that what once was, is no longer, and what you thought would be will never be. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.
6. Live in abundance.
They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.
Think About It
What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.
There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.
I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.
For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.
Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.
We don’t’ always get what we want, but we get what we need. Change is inevitable. Change is good. If it was meant to be, it would have been, and if it is meant to be, it will be.
Unfortunately, life does not always go along with our pre-conceived notions of how things should be, and people aren’t always what we want and need them to be. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on top.
Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.
Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.
Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.
About Carrie L. Burns
Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. As a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she found her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Check out her other writing at www.acinglife.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you so much for writing this. This post is exactly what I needed to read. I feel like I’ve been trying to obtain closure from my boyfriend of 1.5 years. We both know the relationship has ended however he won’t tell me why on his end. I feel like he’s waiting for me to end it, however I can’t bring myself to pull the trigger because I want him to tell me in his own words that he’s done, that he doesn’t want to work things out. Maybe I just need to love myself a little more to walk away with perhaps never knowing.
Hi Mari- You may never know. Try to see things from his side. He may not know. He may not want to hurt you. He may not want to deal with it.
Just because two people love each other doesn’t mean its enough. It isn’t a reflection of you. It sounds like you know what you need to do, but are a little scared, which is okay. The unknown is scary.
I will tell you….when I released my last boyfriend and worked on myself and let it all go the most amazing man walked into my life. You’ll be just fine…I promise.
I ended a 7-year relationship with my boyfriend 8 months ago. I won’t talk to my ex because each time I’ve tried to end it in the past, he has always found a way back into my life. By not talking to him, it is impossible for him to convince me to restart the relationship. I told him what was the final straw for me before I ended it. Now, after 8 months, he has emailed me wanting to know if I’d talk to him ‘should our paths cross’. That would be a foot in the door for him and a terrible mistake for me. The relationship made me feel taken for granted.
I love the quote you gave …
“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo
Cher- You are completely within your right not to talk to someone who you believe will manipulate you and you SHOULDN’T talk to him…..what it means is that he cares more about HIS needs than yours. If he truly cared he would let you be and find your peace and IF you came back then he would be there. I’ve been with many (okay, all of them) boyfriends who took me for granted….but never again!
THANK YOU so very much, Carrie for your reply. You have given me so much in the way of confirmation. I love you for this. You are so aptly named … Carrie . Never again at this end either! Be well.
Anytime Cher! If have struggled through MANY relationships and it has taken me MANY years to love myself….but once I did everything changed. Much love, Carrie
You are so welcome! I often try to be the “nice” girl but it usually backfires. You need (we all need) to take care of ourselves and stop giving away our power to those who don’t deserve it. xoxoxo
This response confuses me. The whole piece is about how incredibly frustrating and hurtful it is when your ex does not want to talk to you. Yet here you agree completely that @Zippy should keep silent. This gives her ex exactly the pain you want to heal from. Shouldn’t she be open to contact, but be clear and give closure to her ex? Why should he leave her alone, but in the story above you are completely validated to try and get closure? This is exactly the same situation, but reversed.
Just like you said: it hurts if your ex won’t talk to you.
Of course she gives a good explanation of why she wants to stay silent: to protect herself from being dragged back into something she does not want, or maybe only a small part of her wants, but not completely. He has waited 8 months and only asked if she’d talk to him. That’s not manipulation per se. Of course you’ll try your best to get your ex back if you miss him/her. Cher would still need to agree to try again, it takes 2 to be in a relationship. If you’re afraid of being dragged back in, then you have not found closure yourself yet, and I can totally see how taking distance makes sense in this regard.
My point: he might be trying to get closure, and this advice is preventing that, just as your exes have prevented it for you. Men & women both can refuse contact because they are afraid they will be convinced by their ex to try again – I know this from experience. Surely there is a part that still cares, which is exactly why breaking contact is necessary. I’m not saying keeping distance is wrong. But don’t think men don’t need closure too.
Bekokstover- I think you are misinterpreting the article and my response. The main point is when a relationship ends we often want someone to tell us why or give us closure. Guys don’t always have the same need. From what Cher said her ex was manipulative and she didn’t want to go back to him…it isn’t the same thing. He didn’t want closure…he wanted to do what was convenient for him. At least, that was my understanding of her post.
Im sorry but thats a pretty ridiculous response “guys dont always have the same need” because im a guy and my girlfriend who i loved to death broke up with me last week and will not even talk to me to tell me why. I did nothing wrong showered her with love and even her friends messaged me saying they dont know why she would do this and things like that. Not saying your wrong i enjoyed your article, i read many like this and try to flip it to a guys point of view as there isnt much written about things like this from a males perspective as guys are supposed to be “tough” and not care when we get broken up with. but i sure fucking do because im an emotional wreck. i just want her to answer why thats it and she cant even give me that after everything i did for her. Guys feel this to.
Wow. I am truly baffled right now.
I have been reaching out to my ex-fiance the past week to collect money he owes my mother and he has been blatently ignoring my texts and messages. I’ve been having insane nightmares about him due to the anxiety of his unresponsiveness. How could he just ignore me?! Someone who he loved and wanted to marry? His “soul mate?”. This morning, I came on this site to search for something to help me just let go of this pain and him and lo and behold, your article is the featured post on the site. I almost got teary eyed. This is EXACTLY what I needed to read. I wont get closure from him, I will only be able to give it to myself. Thank you so much Carrie
The universe reveals itself in mysterious ways! I’m sorry for what you are going through (I’ve been through that issue as well). I always try to tell myself that it isn’t about me (even though it feels like it is)…but I also have to question why I chose that person who would so easily give up on me/us. He isn’t the man you thought he was.
“If not this….something better”. It hurts now, but it won’t always. Hang in there!
You make great points and they apply to friendships as well.
“If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.”- Absolutely!
When a friend of mine seemingly lost interest in our friendship, I tended to internalize it and blame myself. I quickly realized I would not get closure from them since poor communication was at the root of the problem anyway. At first I was a little sad about it. But as I worked on giving closure to myself, I started to remember the good friends I already had, and the other new ones I was making. You see, the problems with this one person had distracted me from appreciating the other people in my life who really were caring. So for anyone going through this, I say hang on. Your perspective will change and open up new pathways you didn’t know existed.
Doug-You are so right! I had the same issue with a friend. Being sad is normal. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), not everyone is meant to stay in our lives…sometimes they come in to teach us something and leave and we can’t take that personally. As for my ex’s I am thankful they came into my life and wish them nothing but love.
I am at the end of a 22 year relationship. I couldn’t speak to my ex husband for months, I was so angry distressed shocked and devastatingly hurt. I tried so hard at our relationship and it seems he wasn’t as committed. People keep saying I will be much happier on my own, and I have good things planned for my future. But, but in recent weeks, I miss him, I miss being intimate with him, I am haunted by memories and grieve for what we had and what we did. I keep hoping we can have romance, or rekindle something and then I tell myself to not be foolish, to value myself more, and learn to love myself, by myself. I know this will all pass but right now, it’s very hard.
Hi Kathy- 22 years is a LONG time to be with someone. I have done the same myself…but my guess is that is the relationship ended there were many reasons and generally we tend to romanticize the good and forget the bad. Maybe make a list of the pros and cons. Did he truly make you happy or did you just want to be with him? With my ex I wanted to be with him …but when I look back I was never really happy when I was with him. He didn’t cherish me. He didn’t support me. He didn’t do anything to support me or the relationship. Still…I missed being with him….until I worked on myself. Now…although he is a good guy I feel nothing. What you are feeling is completely natural. Try not to beat yourself up. Go through the feelings and you’ll be okay.
Hello Carrie! Whenever you’re free, do you mind personally helping me to get closure with my last relationship? I don’t want to share it publicly. Can I email your or Facebook you? whatever is most convenient to you.
Hi Ashanti- Check out my blog and/or you can email me at carrie@acinglife.com. I’ll do my best to help 🙂
Hello Carrie,
Thanks for getting back to me, and I apologize if this is making you go out of your way. I am going to summarize this is as best as I can!
I met a guy last December my first semester in college, a week before I was moving back to Alabama to further my education. The guy that I met is the same age as me with the same interests. He was the guy version of me. We started texting everyday, and on the second day he wanted to talk on the phone. Our first phone conversation lasted 11 hours. I was SOO into this guy and everything we talked about. I moved in with my moms friend two weeks before moving back to AL. School was already out and I was waiting to be transported home. I told Ethan I was moving and he was devastated. I wanted to end it because long distance is ludacris. Yet, he said though the situation is not ideal, I know you’re worth it, so I am going to make this work. He came to visit me 3 consecutive days, and then I was off to AL.
We literally talked everyday all day. If I was in class I would sneak funny pictures and texts to him about what was going on, as he would do the same. We didn’t like the idea of being separated. We even had daily weekend dates where we would pick a cartoon and watch it over the computer while we were on the phone. We even scheduled our sleep routines around each other so we could go to sleep on the phone. He was in my everyday life as if he was literally there.
This went on for two months. Everything went downhill on Valentines Day. ( Feb 2016) I had just seen him a week before and the thought of us not talking the next coming week was a distant thought. Anyways, he sends me a S/o Valentine Picture with some cute sayings. Later that evening I texted him – no response. He was previously sick with tonsillitis. For a week I couldn’t get in contact with him. Then, his brother text me saying Ethan is on pain meds and will be out of it. Long story short, I heard nothing back. NOT FOR A MONTH!! A month goes by and he calls my best friend asking to get in contact with me because he just got out of jail. (The heck) And he wanted to explain to me the reason why he went ghost.
I waited for his call, but it never came. We go 3 months without talking, and then I see him in June for my Birthday week. We hung out almost every night, and it’s like nothing ever happened between us. He would hold my hand to help me maneuver around ( that’s just him). We talked, laughed, it was us. Then, when I was leaving ATL. He called me and asked what I was up to. He asked why I didn’t tell him I was going back to AL. I said ” I thought you wouldn’t care.” He asked why I thought that and I didn’t want to start an argument, so I said “IDK” Anyways, we had a brief conversation and hes off to work..
We don’t talk at the moment, but he always watches my Snapchat stories. Thats it. Nothing else. Can you tell me what happened ? He said I love you first, and we talked about our future. We even created our own fiction house where we would live. We even made up grandparent names: ( Civil and Albert)
So… What do you think? Sorry for the length.
Yours truly,
Ashanti Muhammad
K12 International Academy NCAA Student
#Senior Status 2k15
Wow! I think we’ve all been there and yet, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this topic covered before in either a blog or article. Thanks for sharing. I’ve had it happen to me and remember it as being such a powerless and confusing situation, needless to say, it can really hurt your self-esteem.
Michelle- You are right….it completely sucks. But, like everything in life (as I’m finally learning) it’s how we interpret the information and move forward with it in a way that is best for ourselves that matters. 🙂
I am on the other side of this scenario. She left me, which was bad enough, but then she kept pushing for contact afterwards, which I gave in to. She ended up saying some of the most cold hearted things anyone had ever said to me. Forget closure, she’ll never hear from me or see me again.
Hoos- Good. Never accept abuse fro anyone. She gave you closure….by her actions. The article is meant to apply when two people are in a caring relationship and one just goes away….
how do you deal with closure when children are involved. no talking no intimacy, no serious commitment? Family and peer pressures, don’t do it, hoping that things will sort itself out and one year is gone. this is for 9yrs relationship
Kirsten- That is a good question and a difficult situation. So…are you saying that you are married, but have no intimacy and not talking, etc? Things definitely will not work themselves out. First, think about what you want and deserve. Children want you to be happy. They want you to model love and healthy relationships. They don’t want two bodies just showing up. I know a lot of people say “we stay together for the children”, but I honestly believe this is a way to avoid taking the difficult path. I believe you try your hardest to fix what you have, but sometimes you can’t. You need to do what is best for your children and yourself and often that means moving on. Not sure if that helps….
Thank you a great article
Thank you Deb!
I remember my first ex-boyfriend, which I deeply regret hooking up with. He was insecure, controlling, jealous and obsessive. Despite being in a “not so” serious relationship for the first time, he took advantage of my inexperience.
My ex-boyfriend lied about being with someone. The truth was exposed when his stupid ex-girlfriend called multiple times, wanting the two of us to talk as women. I wasn’t obligated to answer any of her questions, so what I should have done was end the conversation. There was no need for him to lie. I assumed it was because he wasn’t happy being with her. He had every opportunity to either work things out, or walk away. Too bad I can’t change the past.
I discovered that I was dumped for a cocktail waitress through one of my friends. It was a huge blow, because my ex-boyfriend took the cowardly way out. He didn’t want me to strike a conversation with his current girlfriend, so she won’t get any bad ideas about him. I refused to be told what to do. All I did was laugh at him, telling him how much of a bastard he was to me. I NEVER forgave my ex-boyfriend, since he was the type of person who won’t hold himself accountable for his actions. I will forever HATE him and do not want our paths to cross.
Thank you, Carrie for allowing me to share my experience.
LaTrice….I’m sorry he hurt you and he does sound like a coward, but forgiving him is the best way to gain peace for yourself. Remember, that people don’t always do things TO YOU. They do them because they don’t know any better, they are hurt and lost and we often are in a place we we are facing our own issues. So, maybe you can thank him for the lesson he taught you and let it all go. The opposite of love isn’t hate…its apathy…Just a few thoughts 🙂
While i want clouse i know ill never get it because 1) my ex is a abusive nassisit who is a tad bit racist 2) its been three-four yeah and he still won’t take responsiblity yet feel the need to send other people to harrass me the latest being his wife blocking while best isn’t the closure i want its what im gonna get becuase he is a dickhead who can’t own up to real resposiblty
I’m confused….why would you date someone who has a wife?
im not dating someone who has a wife. We were dating for five years before he met his wife he broke up with me in 2013 after he abuse me it was earler this year his now wife contacted me saying stuff about me i would never date a married man.
I was confused! I say…let it go and let him go. Focusing on someone else is only negative energy for you. You deserve better….
Wow, this popping up in my email is so timely. My ex broke my hear 6 weeks ago in the cruellest possible way and on what would have been our anniversary. He had gotten together with someone else during what was a very short break on my part as I felt he wasn’t as into me as I was him, and it turned out I was right. One of the things he said to me was that we might still reunite, and that I would be his best friend. After putting on a big display of being sad when he said goodbye, I watched him from my window checking out his phone. It had all obviously been a big act. He has never got in contact with me and I alternate between sorrow and fury, I feel betrayed and discarded. The sentence that I really needed to read in your article is that “any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.” I know he is dishonest and emotionally immature, and yet I still have feelings for him. But I have to remember that ultimately, he isn’t worthy of me. Thank you <3
It is SOOO hard isn’t it? We want to believe people and we want them to be something we want them to be and its hard to realize the truth. Try to remember, it isn’t about you. You DO deserve better and what is meant to be will be. Although, trust me I KNOW how much it hurts when it happens.
Thank you Carrie for replying. If I am honest, I can’t blame him for what he did. I let him go, he admitted that he can’t be alone, so I have to accept that I contributed just as much, and learn to live with that awful regret. I just wish the guy had been honest with me, nothing is as painful as being given false home. We live and learn. x
Guys don’t want to hurt you so they don’t always tell the truth. They don’t do it on purpose. Remember, they aren’t as in touch with their feelings and emotions as we are. Definitely focus on your part and how you can avoid doing it in the future.
I have been off and on again with a guy for two years. The whole time we were together he lived off me. I am a single mum and he didn’t pay rent, I paid his bills, cooked, cleaned you name it. But I was always last. He never took me out, never helped pay rent or any bills. Everytime he left he would ignore me and only come back when I would start to move on and be happy with my life or if I started to see someone else. But he would always leave again after begging and promising every time became back. This happened so many times. He made everyone hate me by telling them things to make himself seem like he didn’t do anything wrong and like I was the worst person ever even though I did everything and loved him so much. I fell pregnant to him and he ignored me and was talking to other girls online so I had an abortion and then he made me feel guilty saying he wanted me to have it even though he was never around. The most recent break up was about 4 weeks ago. I had been seeing someone else and fell pregnant. He had been begging for me back for months but I wasn’t giving in this time. I told him I was pregnant and he broke down begging me not to keep it and be with him. I love him so much so I terminated the pregnancy. As soon as I terminated he told me we were done and how much he hates me and what a bad person I am and hasn’t spoken to me since. I am such a mess. I know I should just let him go but if it was that easy this wouldn’t have continued for so long. I don’t know how to pick myself up again when I have started again so many times only to believe him when he says he loves me and I take him back! I need to stop this cycle for me and block him out when he wants to come back. I just don’t know how. It hurts so much.
Jacinta-
First, not to be overly personal, but perhaps you might want to look into some regular form of birth control. Secondly….it sounds like you might want to sit down with yourself and figure out why you think you deserve such awful treatment. The only way to stop the cycle of use, abuse and misuse is to learn to love and value yourself. If you don’t—why should he? He DOES NOT LOVE YOU. His WORDS MEAN NOTHING. Stop believing them. I know you want to, because we all want to believe it when someone says they love us…but his words are completely contradictory to his actions. This cycle isn’t about him its about you and why you keep going back to him. You know how…..its just hard to accept. DECIDE you deserve better and then figure out a way to learn to believe it. I’m sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you may need some professional help or a support group. Check out my blog for some resources and things that I used to overcome an abusive, toxic relationship. http://www.acinglife.com
I was with my ex for 2 and a half years. I always questioned the relationship and felt like I was settling at times, but grew to care for him. We never had big fights, no yelling or screaming. We finally broke up back in February and it was amicable and ‘mutual’. He said we could hopefully be friends some day. We didn’t have any contact for 3 months until a mutual friend showed me a picture of him and a girl he was dating. I called my ex and asked to meet up because I felt that I didn’t get the closure I needed. He showed up but had a wall up and didn’t really give me the closure I wanted. It was me sharing feelings and him not being very responsive. Since then, we haven’t talked. It’s been a total of 7 months since the breakup and I am still ruminating. He moved to a different city and has done little things via social media that I feel are to get my attention (commenting on my good friend’s post welcoming her to his ‘home’ since she’s visiting the new city he’s in, adding my cousin on Instagram, etc.) . He also hung out with a mutual friend and was a totally new person (think cocky frat boy who shares pictures of girls, blatantly checking out girls, etc. When I was with him he was a nerdy respectful guy), and acting like he was on top of the world. I felt like he knew all of this would get back to me, and that’s why he did it. I could be wrong. I reached out after 3 months so I feel like the ball is in his court this time. I wish he would just talk to me! I would like a friendship with him. Some people say that if he wanted to talk to me, he would. But I haven’t reached out either? Do I move on and ignore it or reach out to him?
Jenny—When you said this….”but I resent him for leaving and never looking back even though he mentioned a friendship”…I totally relate. Mine used to tell me “no matter what you will always be in my life as I value our friendship”. Guys say things they mean..AT THE TIME…they don’t always consider the impact their words have. He doesn’t want to be friends with you for whatever reason. It may be too hard, it may be he wants to move on, it may be he is worried you still want to be with him-but none of that matters. What matters is that he isn’t reaching out to you. NO…do not reach out. Move on. I know it’s hard.
It took me about 2 years to fully let go of my ex and forgive him for ignoring me and our “friendship”. You will get over this man, but it may take time. Focus on yourself and finding someone that WANTS to be in your life. Good luck.
Thank you for your response! I would never want to be in a relationship with him again but I understand he might not be able to handle being friends on his end. Especially since his feelings may have gone deeper than mine. It was my first serious relationship so that may be why I’m still holding on to certain things. But you’re right, time to move on and swallow those feelings. Thanks again for the advice!
Anytime Jenny! Relationships are hard and losing love and someone that was once so important is the hardest. It will take time..but you will get over it all. I promise. Trust me…I’ve done it enough I should know!
Wow!!! 2 Years?!?!? That makes me feel good. Cause I’ve been hung up and kinda hard on myself on the fact that it’s been almost a year, and I’m still struggling with this break up. I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back. It’s a horrible emotional roller coaster. And he have made no attempt at all to make any kind of contact. I think that’s what hurts the most. That it ended and he just kept it pushing.
its not just guys…people may say things that they mean at the time but how they feel is subject to change.
Maybe you’re insane and they are protecting themself with something called “no contact”…
Totally in love with this article. This is exactly how I feel, and now I know I’m not the only one facing this.
easier than done. after she’s married, then Im married 2 years later. For 20 years she keep that feeling without me knowing. After 20 Years, she let me know, shes still in love with me. Somehow I know that she keep that feeling. We Start to caressing each other again, at some point, she’s knew this is wrong, because this is an affair. Now, the relationship never ends…I dont know how to end this…because I dont want to end this or she…just keep thing the way there are. Like sitting in a time bomb, waiting to explode, I dont want this. 🙁
Sometimes an emotional affair with a married person is easier than a real relationship. Real relationship require vulnerability and that is the scariest thing on this planet for some of us. I’ve had an emotional affair with a married man. We crave the “intimacy” and the “connection” but its false…..
Eventually you will grow tired (hopefully) and find your way out.
–_Wishing you the best
So many people are going through the same general experiences with their ex. I feel for you all and at the same time I am glad I’m not the only one.
I was with my girlfriend Paula for over 3 years. She had told me that she was a runner and she felt differently about me. She never would run from me according to her and talked me into moving into her house despite my fear of being left on the street if we didn’t work out. She swore to me that if that would happen she would give me 3 months or whatever I needed to get into another place again. I already had childhood trauma from a physically and mentally abusive mother, and my mother abandoning me on multiple occasions. She always called the police on me and blame me for all of the abuse I endured and Paula knew this, but I trusted her and I took the leap of faith.
BTW Paula is a psychologist and works with veterans with drug dependency. When I met her I used heroine, more because i have chronic back pain and its cheaper than prescriptions and I had always been a smoker. She enabled me to do drugs by making sure she always had cash on her so I could buy it since I always used cards, she made me feel bad about getting off of it because she feared it would alter my outlook on her and my life, she knew my dealer and befriended him, and feared I wouldn’t love her anymore if I wanted to quit using, so ultimately I stayed on drugs,
I did everything for her. I stuck with her through a rare night she was drunk and I was driving her home. She was telling me how much she love me, then a wrapper or matchbook caught the wind and went out the window. It triggered hell fire and for the first and only time she started punching me with a closed fist over and over and over, screaming about how much of a loser I am (I’m a successful business owner), or any imperfection about me that she knew would bothered me. She tried throwing herself out of the car several times on our way home. This lasted all night at the house, then she finally passed out. I had to hold her from killing herself and punching me, ultimately causing bruising on her arms that she later complained about. I was so hurt over this. When she woke up she was back to being Paula again and apologized over and over. I left for 3 days and when I came back we made up.
The next time she had a couple drinks, months later, she was pulled over and received a DUI despite my pleads for her to let me drive her home in my car. She almost lost her license to practice as a counselor and it was a very painful time for her. I was always by her side through thick and thin and I supported her 100% but I still had a bad drug problem and it was getting worse. Again, Paula is a Psychologist and works as a drug treatment counselor at the VA hospital.
If we had any type of disagreement, she would throw my drug use in my face, and the bruising from restraining her during her drunk outrage several months prior.. She would always blame me for anything that went wrong in her life and leave me confused about our entire existence together, but I loved her more than anything. I may not have said it as much as I should have towards the end, but I showed it in everything I did for her.
A very long story short, my drug use was out of control and we had an argument one night, which was rare, She pressed all of my buttons and I ended up pinning her on the bed and I began to put my forearm to her neck but I caught myself and stopped. It was a split second but felt like eternity. I told her maybe I should leave, because I was so shocked and although I scared her she wanted to talk it out. I was set on leaving and we despite that we ended up making love that night,
The next day I’m about to pack and I see my dogs looking at me, I cried and changed my mind and I told Paula that I was sorry and I love her and I want to get help and be clean and even seek counseling. She said no, she’s done and she wants to see other men and wants me out of the house. She left for the weekend and never answered a text. Just like that. I was mortified. Not even a chance to redeem myself. I tried to communicate and all she would do is tell me to get out or I will be evicted. She told me the sight of me made her sick, every smoker is a drug addict and she wants to move on. She ended up leaving again for an entire week, No communication from her whatsoever. Just gone.
One night on the 6th day of her disappearing, I came home from work and the doors were locked and changed. I was served with a restraining order. She had done everything I had feared and in the worst way possible. I had to stay with a friend and figure out how to get my things, and I am a DJ Business owner so I have a ton of expensive equipment. I was traumatized and feared for the dogs she once loved, yet I still was in love with her.
Days went by with nothing and all of a sudden she messages me and says I can come back to get my things and get the dogs out too (we raised these 2 dogs together) while she’s at work. I ended up getting her to talk and she reluctantly said that she wanted to get me out initially because she wanted me to see how much I meant to her, then she felt hatred towards me and her reasons changed, however I do not know what that is. It all seemed like cruel games.
We met face to face that night and all she did was put me down, yet she let me hold her all night despite her harsh words. In the morning I was downstairs and when she woke up and she came down, she saw me and screamed loud at me to get me and the dogs out of her house and I make her sick! I was so confused. I scurried for some things and I left. It was so demeaning and I felt like I was nothing.
After that, there was no contact whatsoever, other than getting the rest of my things out, and the dogs out and in that time, despite never getting a reply, I tried showing my love with filling the house with flowers, I painted her house and landscaped while she was at work and I was packing. I didn’t know what else to do and I’m not even sure I was trying to win her back, I simply wanted to see her happy my erasing my memory. No doubt I was still in love, yet so confused and crushed over this chaos.
By the time I was finished moving, she never thanked me nor did she throw out the flowers or notes attached to them, She kept it all nicely dried around the house. Why would she do that anyway? Another mind game? The last text I received from her was on my last day of packing. I was running late leaving her house and I texted her to ask for a little more time before coming home. Her response and the last text I ever received was “I am on my way home, if your not finished and you’re still there, I will call the cops, your choice”. So awful from my point of view… I never did have any closure, no explanation on what was really happening to her and why I was nothing to her overnight.
I won’t completely recover from this for some time, but thanks to you I am able to have closure for myself. In the time we separated I had purchased a home and have the dogs and she never even made an attempt to see them again thus far. It seems she abandoned her family, she is likely in foreclosure because she isn’t able to afford that huge house on her own anymore. Tell me what you think about this mess. I would lke to know, I feel sorry for her and I still love her but I am also trying to move on 🙂
Thanks for listening.-Jamie
Jamie-I’m so sorry for what you went through. We recreate our childhoods in an attempt to “Fix” them. We put ourselves back in the hands of our abusers (parents or otherwise) hoping NOW they will keep us safe. But, unfortunately only WE can do this. I’m not saying its fun or its easy or that anything I’m saying will make it all better….but I know that you have to try to find a way to love and accept yourself and realize it wasn’t about her….what she did was awful….
I get it. Trust me.
Yah man it sounds like you are a genuine person and did good. I am sure there quiet possible is a second d side to the story but from what you right it sounds like you both are people with the same problem of accepting yourselves. Broken souls dance together; and from the above it really rings true she is just as damaged in the same way as you. Take your love and your kindness and move on. It’s like trying to tell someone to quit a drug and you can offer all the help in the world but only people that want to change will change. When the time is right for them. The best thing g you can do is accept and realise you are doing your best and want to do better. You need to look inward and learn why you feel the way you feel (talking about core emotions) and learn how to understand and live daily with those. You’ll find a new you and when you become a better person to and for yourself you will find a better person to share life with. I know this post is old but in case it helps or others come by to read it, I thought I would reply!
Ment to reply to Jamie!
Jamie l am so sorry about what you went through
So true i have the same issues and strugling with my emotions from the brake up since 2 months and i have tryed to reach out chasing here it doenst work anything you would say won t matter for changing my ex decision .i can try recindle with here and attemps to reconect won t help and it hurts alot. Ive read alot surched my innerself to understand my insecuretys and why it ended i have to let here go and stpp reaching out to here would make things wurse .this hardest moment of my life al my emotions are like poker cards shatterd all over the place .so hard i try to forget here trying to keep myself bizzy .i have to leave here walk way and never look back .she won t block me or unfriend me on facebook but i saw today also a text she wrote sounded realy how she feels and felt and though might be about me .a reminder from 2015 text and a song she posted it hurt alot thinking its about me but it might not .i havent reached out to here for asking here why she made this text or song.what those that mean for me ?is that relevant for me ?any ideas why ?
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She was a full blown narcassist. She started love bombing you. She then tried controlling you. Your addiction did not allow her. She got frustrated. She started gaslighting you. She played mind games to confuse you. Please join Narcassist Slayer on FB amongst others where you will be able to understand the common traits of a narcassist which hundreds of people have become victim of. You made the right move. You have moved on. You must move on. Seek treatment for your addiction. See a counsellor. Get clean. Start life afresh. Do not go back to her. Whatever feelings that you have for her for now, is called TRAUMA BONDING. Pls do read about narcassism on Google.
May I ask a question? I recently reached out to my first love after having no contact for 30 years, yes 30 years. I’m 53, she left me when I was 23, after a 3 year relationship. I was very immature at the time and was more interested in playing the guitar and smoking pot, then giving her the love she needed. I know I hurt her, because she told me so, and mutual friends told me the same thing. A year after she left me (after never telling me why), she moved in with a guy 20 years older than she, and who was very wealthy. Was she looking for a father figure? I don’t know. Of course it didn’t last and she was kicked to the curb.
I’ve thought about her for a long time, and always wanted to apologize to her. Of course I wanted some validation from her like, “yes, you meant a lot to me, you hurt me, but I had to move on.” Just like described in the article, and yes I admit that is somewhat selfish, but I wanted to hear it from her, why she left.
Her mother died recently, so I thought I would send my condolences and apologize for being a bad boyfriend 30 years ago. I am happily married with great kids, but I craved the closure described in this great article. She agreed to talk on the phone, she was polite, took my apology kind of, and we hung up.
I got a very short email from her a few days later saying, “You didn’t hurt me at all, and you don’t owe me an apology.” That’s it. I was shocked. I know I hurt her, and I’m not proud of it, but couldn’t she had been just a tad bit more gracious? Is she still bitter after 30 years? She’s married and I guess has a wonderful life. Did she not want to appear vulnerable? Did she simply want to hurt me, but discounting a very close relationship we had? I thought I was doing something nice, but I guess it backfired. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks!
Making amends, which is what you were trying to do, is something you do for yourself. It’s actually not a favor to the other person. It’s not for them—it’s for you. You were an intrusion on her life now. You have to accept that. And you have to forgive yourself for whatever you imagined you did in the past. It was a long time ago. Your ex is either in denial about what happened or doing her best to help you move on. It might also be that she simply had enough and left. We’re not all that aware when we’re 20 years old! We don’t process things in the same way. Sometimes we just move on. Easier for her to do that as she seems to have behaved better in the relationship than you may have. Not having things to apologize for is incentive to show up as our best selves as best we can in each moment! In the end, you each had an experience that brought you to where you are now. And you both seem grateful to be where you are now. Let it go at that. You finally did what you couldn’t do 30 years ago. That’s really all this amounts to. But it’s for you and about you—not her! You have to realize that. And stop expecting anything from her. You did what you needed to do to look yourself in the mirror.
Responding to you is helping me process a similar situation. It’s not from years ago, it’s from right now. I did nothing wrong except to end something that had to be ended with a man I thought was single but discovered was married. I continued even after learning he was married, but with the idea that he might separate and then eventually knowing he wouldn’t. A true path to hell. Anyway—I feel bad and guilty about ending the relationship. I ended it in a text because I simply couldn’t do it in person. And I feel horrible about that. He is person who lies to himself and others (asleep is what I call it) and I knew we could not have an honest conversation and then part. I think that’s why I sent the text. It would have been too hurtful in person and a one-way conversation with me trying to make him understand and likely falling to pieces. But still I’d like to “make amends” to him—because I did’t get a response or “closure” to my text. Do you see some parallel with your situation? This need is coming from me. Not him. I have no idea how he feels or what he might want or need from me. I think I did him a favor and that he might see it like that. Perhaps he did me a favor by being very disappointing the last time I saw him. You may have done your ex a similar favor. It’s really hard to say. So your guilt and reaching out now is all something created in your mind. It’s not a real thing. And what it’s in your mind, is not in hers. And so you have the situation that occurred. But know that people process events long after the moment. Your reaching out is now filed away as a positive and unexpected experience for her. And she likely carries more positive thoughts of you than she had. So, mission accomplished. Let it go!
I would say…yes…she isn’t able to be vulnerable. Or, She has pushed it to the recesses of her mind. I don’t think she wanted to hurt you, but my guess is that it’s easier for her to pretend it never happened that accept, deal and move on. There are so many layers to the issue and you don’t really know where she is in this moment. Know that you did the right thing and you cared enough to apologize and that takes a lot of courage.
We can’t control how others react…we can only control what we do and say and kudos to you for doing the right thing. Never regret it.
That’s helpful. I really mean that. I thought I did the right thing and apologize, yet I cannot control how she reacts. She simply isnt able to be vulnerable, and that’s cool too. You should write a book. Thanks very much.
Wow, I am 23 and my first girlfriend left me at the start of the year.
You are like a lesson from the future.
She hasnt spoken to me since it happened, except once, to tell me she left my clothes on her front kerb and that it was all my fault.
But I honestly don’t know if I did hurt her. I tried my very best to make sure she was happy, and that she was with me because she wanted to be.
Yet somehow I ended up manipulating her into staying by treating her too well?
It makes no sense to me, I need some sort of closure from her, but I know she will never speak to me again. Like your case, I believe she finds it easier to pretend it never happened. And that kills me, 3 years of effort… it all never happened.
I was looking for a good article and this was it. Thank you.
I was talking to this girl for 2 months while living with my ex that I stilled messed with.me and the girl got very close and out of no were she started to back off.i off coursed pressured to fine out what was wrong but got nothing and things silenced for a while.but I couldn’t get this girl off my mind so I tried to contact her again.i asked if I could see her she agreed we chilled at the park and I took her to eat.things seemed fine but I never heard from her again.again I couldn’t get her off my mind so I contacted her asking what went wrong.no reply .i contacted her several more times after.and no reply.months go by and I realized why possibly she doesn’t want to speak to me.when we had met she was just leaving a relationship and I kinda lied and said I was leaving my situation too.but never ended up walking out of it.blindy I had a decision to make by making her my gf and committing to her.recently in last dec I messaged her apoogizing for what I did and what I hadn’t and I realize now and would do anything .she msg back and told me it was late and that she message me the next morning.but I never heard from her.im going crazy I still can get this girl out of my head.
This article helps me some. I have been in a rather confusing relationship with a man for over a year. It has been a rather soul crushing one to tell the truth. It began as a meeting of mutual friends at a party. His mother and my aunt were best friends since they were in their teens and we somehow never managed to meet until 2015. I was not yet 39 and he just turned 36.
We became friends and talked every day for a while. Problem was I was married, but I had feelings for him since the moment we met. My husband works two jobs and was gone all the time. Not an excuse, but he knew how alone I was.
I eventually expressed my feelings for him. We had so many similarities. I thought he was my soulmate. I became obsessed with him and maybe I still am, as I cannot get him out of my head. I think about him more than twice everyday. He immediately wanted to start sexting with me. Wanted to know what I thought about and how I thought about him. I wanted to know his feelings and if he felt the same way. I was not wanting to really have a sexting relationship.
He would never tell me how he felt emotionally. He would tell me about his day or if something went wrong at work or what was going on in his life, but would never be emotionally vulnerable with me. He would share songs with me. I think to let me know how he felt, but would never express himself in words. I would be so open about my feelings and tell him how I felt, but when I would ask about how he felt, he would give an excuse of being busy. I would try to get him to open up and get to know about him more and he would just shut down. Oh I am busy, he would say.
We went to lunch together and made out in the parking lot of the restaurant after. I had become hooked and told him I loved him. We talked for a little while and made plans to get a hotel. Something would always come up and prevent us from putting our plans into fruition. Every time. I think he became frustrated.
Eventually he ghosted me. Just stopped taking altogether for months. Then he would talk again and then ghost me again. He wanted me to leave my husband and I said I would eventually work toward that, but that it would take time to end a relationship of 10+ years. He lived with his mother and I was not sure where I would go or what to do.
I told him if he did not want to be in a relationship then let’s be friends. We were friends for a while and then we made plans to meet again but we had other people with us. He would send messages to me…imagine if we could do this or that -sexually. I did not fully commit to his suggestions because I knew we would never have the chance to be alone together. We were on a trip with other people and all 4 of us in the same room.
When it was time to leave I gave him a big hug and thanked him for a good time. He pulled away from me, and so I did not continue any further. He texted me upset that I did not kiss him afterwards. I told him he should have made that move. I offered to have him meet up for that kiss once we got back into town and he rejected me and started talking about another girl.
I have been so crushed by this whole situation. I cry almost every day. A song or a situation will bring him to my mind and I am so depressed. He blocked me from his social media pages and does not respond when I text him. He is just the most confusing person I have ever met. I am having a hard time getting over this. I sent him a message before Christmas with no response. I wish him the best and want him to be happy, but my regret is all of this talk of sharing a life together and it being flushed down the drain.
I wanted him to put forth more initiative and maybe I expected too much out of the situation. I am just so hurt and not sure how to get over it.
Are you still married? Do you have children? Is he married? Does he have children?
Since I do not know the whole situation, I do suggest you get things cleared up with your husband!!
Personally, I am a single woman. I would NEVER put my heart on the table for a married man. Perhaps he has some
passionate feelings for you, but it does not appear your situation is conducive to him making a move.
Really, do you expect a person to be a third wheel in your marriage? I would never put myself in that position.
Get your marital situation straightened out first. Why does your husband work so much that you are alone all the time? Is he avoiding you? Is the other man richer?
Marriage is a serious thing. The “other” guy probably realizes this and is withdrawing for that reason. I would sort out my marriage before attempting to start a new relationship.
Good Luck.
so tough…48 years old and the first time in my life ive never cried over a breakup. not even sure if I can. some days I feel like its coming (the tears), and then nothing. I just feel like its never really over. I struggle with this.im doing well in my own life, at trying to move on, doing what I’m supposed to do, etc. at times I want to reach out to him, but I never do…for many reasons. I had tried once already and got no response, quite some time back…but then he messaged me after awhile on a completely different topic, said hed get back to me, never did. another reason I don’t make contact is because im trying to stick with my decision. I was the one who left him. I try to remember all the tears I cried when I was with him, that im better off, that I deserve better, but the part that gets me/the regret…is that every time we disagreed or fought, I chose to leave instead of trying to work it out. I chose to leave because I didn’t feel he cared about me at all…but maybe he did, and that is my regret. I really am confused, and hard to put my thoughts on paper here. in the past we have separated, (again, my choice) but the feelings never faded….we got back together after a lengthy time apart, and it was as though no time had passed at all. can I blame him for not contacting me all the times I said goodbye to him? more to the point of this article about closure and validation: for me, it is wanting to know if he ever cared about me at all, but trying to reach the point of that not mattering to me anymore. the regret,,,did I make the right decision by leaving? if he chased me would I even go back? in my heart, I love him, even though my mind tells me to run, that hes no good for me. I need to reach a point that none of this matters, that I deserve better….still struggling…please help
Hello,
i think you need to sit down and think about things a lot more, for example, what you actually want in life and whether he is worth another chance.
do not contact your ex as i think you need sometime to be alone, think about what you want, and whether its possible for you and your ex to sit down and talk and the problems you guys have had, and whether there is a solution to it, sometimes there isnt a solution to a problem, you just have to accept and forget and move on, as you cannot change the past, but can only change the future, but you both have to work on this relationship for it to actually work, if there is a problem talk about it, do not just leave or avoid the problem, because it wont go away by itself.
Please just take time and think about things, if you dont think he is worth another try, then move on, dont contact your ex, it would only cause more pain and confusion. go and meet someone new.
hope this help
x
I think it is is best for you to know what you want first. The one you broke up with whenever you want to is also human. Have you ever thought how much it hurts him you dumping him when you feel like you are not treated the way you want to. We are all humans and it is human nature that we are different in many ways. It is funny I say these things but I feel like maybe we are the same in some things. I have a partner,for 5 years, he did his best for us and wasnt enough for me. He made one mistake and i threw it all away ask for a break up then he would do everything ,chasing me ,pleasing me until i get used to doing it to him. I broke up with him the last time he was so devastated, i created a story that I have another man so he would move on from me. He did move on and now i am all but regrets. I know he is already perfect but not perfect for me so letting him go is already doing him a favor to find someone he deserves. I did find another man in a few months after break up also very2x kind but has a vice of drinking. He likes to drink beer and i didnt like it. I told him to change, he tried but he just loves beers. The first time he called me drunk and lied about drinking i was so pissed off and broke up with him. Then got back again as he says sorry. The relationship went well until he forgot to message me one night because he was out partying so i broke up with him again and this time stand firm not to forgive him .He said he was sorry but I didnt give him a chance. I still love him but i seem have problems with myself. I wanted someone who can keep up with my standards.. I couldnt love them unconditionally. Deep inside I know they love me but not enough for me just because they cant follow my standards in life. He told me though he still loves me but never open up anymore about getting back together. I love him still but i also have to work out about what I want. I cant give people that kind of trauma breaking up with them when making something i dont want. What i learned is that i shouldn’t spit the word break up when there is no need for it and if u still love the person as they might get tired of it. Ask first, talk about it. Just let go if the your partner doesnt want to work it out..
Hi guys,I was with my partner for just a little over 10 years now and got engaged just last year.however, We have been drifting apart for some time now. we would be OK for a couple of weeks and then just have an argument over the most silliest thing. When i tried to resolve the issue with my partner and try to talk it out she would put up a protective barrier and never wanted to talk which would make the situation worse. Anyway we finally ended the relationship just over a week ago and as you can imagine It fells like I’m after loosing a little bit of myself. I can relate to this article in so many ways, I am trying to reach out for what I really don’t know ,some sort of closure I reckon and she is treating me like a complete stranger and I’m also thinking how can a person do that after been with them for so long . Many of my mates are telling me leave her off don’t text or call her, I know it’s alot easier said then done. I just really miss this person .thanks for listening
Long story short: We dated 4 months/12 times, he said: “he likes me alot, everything feels good, we are coming closer and closer, sees us as almost being a couple/together, wants to date me etc” then stopped all communication 10th dec. He ignored me 4 days so I sent an angry text basically saying “coward, you are not man enough for me so i delete you everywhere now. Goodbye”.
He went on vacation 2 weeks, then I sent him this text “Happy new year, how are you? Sorry I was too needy. Please tell me what went wrong. Hope vacation was good. All the best:) – no response.
But i didnt knew he dated and celebrated new years eve with this new girl (he knew from instagram he just recently added on facebooj as friend)! She posted a pic from his balcony on instagram + text “butterflies in stomach means something bigger is happening in the heart”-which he pressed LIKE on.
Then he went 2 more weeks on vacation. I had my birthday and all he did then was open an old message (where I was asking why he wasnt responding and that it didnt feel good), but he still scilent.
He got home and the girl and him lately started to do eyed-hearts-smileys😍😍 on each others pictures – and we NEVER posted such comments on instagram She is friend with his 3 best friends too and i never met them. For the record: Im 28 years, he 27 and the girl 21 years old. We live in Scandinavia.
Im suspecting i was too needy, insecure and jealous at the end cause he liked other girl’s instagram photos every other day (like hers often) while missing to call when he promised several times, got late to our dates, wasnt so romantic yet horny in the end….
Im exercising 1-2 hours every day since the split, trying to improve myself, but only uploaded one fine pic of me, nothing else… and deleted him from instagram but cant stop look at his social media anyway. He seems happy. We are still friends on Facebook.
I feel so confused how he could suddenly drop me off, because after I slept at his place he let me stay several times while he went to work so i felt more than a bootycall, he even said at date 6 his goal is to win my heart. We went to cinema, minigolf, bars, casino, restaurants… all sort of things not just sleepovers. I even confessed I got a disease (he might even get and he knows the risk) at date 8 and he still wanted to date/sleep with me (we started doing date 9) so i thought he loves me!
I´ve cried a lot due to him GHOSTING me but started being more balanced lately, yet i still miss him like hell and don´t want to date anyone else.
Can you please give advice on how to get him back at this point? I´ve done no contact 5 weeks and him 8 weeks.
Please help ♡
Hello, I know exactly how you feel right now, as I am in a very similar situation.
I honestly do not think he is worth another try, you are definitely better off with another man who is worth your time and effort, I honestly do not think he is right for any girl right now.
I know how difficult this is for you right now, as you miss him, you just want him, can’t stop thinking about it, he is like an additive drug to you.
But please take my advice and forget about him, he will only cause you more pain and hurt, the man who deserves you will never leave you or ignore you like this, please move on before its too late, make new friends, go out to events, meet new people, attend dance class, spend time with family, get another job, but DO NOT GO begging to that man who doesn’t deserve you, HE IS A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.
Take care and look after yourself x
Yes Sad Girl! Beautiful Life is right! You are young and have a lot to look forward to.
Do not waste another minute on this guy who went away on New Years vacation with another girl.
I know it hurts when you trust and are intimate with someone and they let you down.
Clearly he is not the one for you. He sounds like he was/is playing the field. That is not too strange for a man his age. You just forget about him. He was not kind enough to you. 10 dates is not a lifetime. At least you did not waste 10 months or 10 years.
Go live your wonderful life. There is a lot out there for you!
Long story shot , me and my ex were dating on and off for a year and a half . About 3 weeks ago we got into a bad arguement her found out I hung out with another guy and two days later I found out his friend was hooking him up with another girl. He ended things with me , I would text and he would ignore me , except when I texted i love you , then he would reply I love you too . Everything else he ignored . He says we need time apart . Will not answer my calls. He texted me a couple days ago to ask questions about something that happened during a time together then quit replying . When I tried to contact him the next day he said he didn’t want to talk it made me emotional I blew his phone up and he blocked me. IDK what to do . Please help ❤️
Exactly what I’m going through.
I split up with my wife after 9 hrs . She says she wants a divorce but has yet to file the paper of 5 months of being seperated. I have close friend that talks all the time with my wife and said she’s to hard to read on her emotions. I know this for a fact this is like the 6th time we’ve had problems. Every time we have this problem she acts the exact same way. Same answers for every question asked of her . yesterday I drove to her house unannounced and asked her to talk. She said yes she would talk and come back in an hour( she just woke up from night shift) . so I left and went for a ride till it was time.. 20 min till I was to be back at her house she messaged me and said she didn’t want to talk and she jumped in her car and took of to avoid me.?????? Its lime she can’t look me in the face and talk.. Why?
Mine is new. 6 days ago he dumped me via FB messenger told me to F off I was immature & being mean to him & I have yet to understand any of it. I was nothing but good, loving & giving to this man. He lost his job I stayed He totaled his car I helped him get a new one. When he was in pain due to an illness I helped ease it. Now abruptly it’s over! He blocked me on his phone & all social media. Because he is sick I worry about him all day. I’m still crying buckets. Confused. Hurt. Everyone says he will be back that I was good to him he knows that. I miss him so much. I’m hoping he just needs time to cool down from whatever he’s going through. I was hoping to help him do that but I guess he must do it alone. I’m so sad
Unfortunately, I feel like I’ve literally broke my relationship with my ex.
Everything was fine as we started out as dating normally; then he had to leave and go back to the U.S.
After 8 months of a long distance relationship, everything was great; just one problem: I scolded him because I was scared he wouldn’t come back to visit me. He came for a business trip (originally), so… I don’t think he’ll ever come back. He was just one of the people that came for a special kind of meeting that needed to be done overseas. Due to the fact that his company kept sending DIFFERENT people for these “meetings”, I was beginning to question our status of the relationship. I’m currently 21, he’s currently 33.
Not only was this a problem, but apparently, religion also went from being a small to a MASSIVE issue.
When we first met, he said that he was a Jewish guy, something that intrigued me as I am a Jew myself. However, only within 7.5 months of the relationship, he tells me that he’s only HALF. That’s something that my family and I felt VERY uncomfortable about. Eventually, we got into a heated argument about AND the distance problem, as well as the religion issue. In short, we both said that we’d “talk tomorrow” (meaning mid-December), but we never spoke again.
Since his birthday was quite recent, and despite having cried for many hours in my sleep and whilst I had a spare moment of being alone, I decided to be a nice person to still give a birthday wish. Surprisingly, I got a reply. Just because the relationship was theoretically over (since we didn’t speak for 2.5 months), it didn’t mean that I don’t care about him. Fast forward a few days later, he answered only ONE phone call, already asleep after work. He said he’d talk to me on a different day, and he never did. When I message him, he gives me one-liners. Like, really?!
Anyways, sorry for the rant. I just needed to vent. But does this mean that he doesn’t CARE about me? I may have been M.I.A. for months, but I realized that I was the one that was wrong. I made a mistake, I lashed onto him too strongly. I may have had the “inner b*tch mode”, but that’s not me. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to start over, to stop the ignorance, and to keep talking. I wish he listened, or at least took my calls.
People of TinyBuddha, what do you think I should do? I feel like an emotional trainwreck, especially since he was my first love. My first date, my first boyfriend, my first kiss. And NO, I wasn’t and am still not ashamed of the age gap of 11 years (will be 22 soon).
Please, help me out?
I had a boyfriend I was with for about a year. With each other everyday. I broke up with him for several reasons but immediately regretted it. Because I thought I just threw away a great guy for silly reasons. But he walked away and didn’t respond to anything I said. Then I found out he had a child and was paying child support. This kid was born at least 3 years ago. He never mentioned having a kid EVER. At the beginning when I asked he said no he didn’t. I also found out before our relationship was over that he was not honorably discharged from the military. So he lied about that too. So many times I could see myself marrying him after finding all of this out I wondered who was the man I loved? He didn’t exist it was someone else I didn’t even know.
That’s exactly how I look at it he was put in my life for a purpose and taken out for one as well.
It’s been so hard to get over him, the guy I loved , the guy I didn’t know and most importantly it’s been hard to love myself. Because I really thought I knew this guy. I thought so little about myself for so long.
This is so interesting. Yes, the guy you knew so little about. I had a guy like that too! The relationship went on for a number of years. I really wanted it to work because I believed it could.
In the end he did not believe it could. And part of the problem was him not being truthful about direct questions I asked him!
When the “no closure” came, I was devastated. I felt at least he owed me an explanation after all that time. Obviously I never got the truth a lot during the course of our relationship so it was par for the course that in the end he couldn’t “come clean” with me.
I don’t think it was nice or kind. I always try to be fair in love. Unless the guy is really pathological (violent, etc.) I feel if I have been having an intimate relationship we both deserve an “explanation”. Those explanations are often hard to take, but at least they help with closure, for me anyway.
This “ghosting” phenomena was new to me recently and very unsettling. It took me a long time to realize that grown people (over 40 years old) actually do this. I do think it is a cheap way out. But now that I know it exists, I can stop wasting my time trying to figure it out.
I do not “ghost” my boyfriends. I try to get and give closure. But if I get “ghosted” again – good riddance.
A man who has many secrets is not a man you can ultimately trust. And a man who can walk away without a word was obviously not the one for me.
It took me years to figure this out. So much wasted time.
You’ll have better luck next time. You seem like a trusting soul. In have found I need to be more cautious in my approach. Also, if there a lot of “break ups to make up” in the relationship, it is a good idea to try to consider the source. Immaturity or basic incompatibility?
I know it is not easy to accept this, but what if you had married this man? What else would he hide from you?
I also once dated a man who I suspected was cheating. He adamantly denied it. I told him since we were not living together or engaged that it was fine – just let me know and I will make my decisions accordingly.
He met my whole family (grandparents too) and constantly spoke to me about marriage. I said I would consider it but it was too early in the relationship to decide about marriage.
A little later on I again had a strong feeling that he was seeing another person. He began to cry hysterically and assured me it was not so, please don’t leave me, etc. He seemed so sincere I did not leave him.
You can probably guess what finally happened. After a year and a half he disappeared for a few days. I called all over, certain that something had happened to him. In the end he finally turned up. I told him since he met my whole family and expressed that he wanted to get married I expected an explanation. He told me that he indeed had met another woman but did not want to tel me in case things did not work out with her. Eventually he married her.
WOW!
At least I got an explanation. I felt so ashamed and stupid. But I went to see a counselor (a very nice man) and he explained to me that a normal healthy man does not lie and deceive a woman in this fashion. The reason it hurt so much was because I put so much love into the relationship, and that was normal.
Love can be a minefield for me. I try to proceed with care.
Good luck to you.
Dude my boyfriend lied about a kid too. I found out from a girl whose nudes I found on his phone. It was a few months ago and I’m still with him but I feel like he’s turned my whole life into a lie. I hate it.
Lol
I just needed to comment bc I can’t believe this has happened more than once
This is such a good article.
I had a relationship with a guy, A 8 years ago. He left without saying a word and 3 years ago we contacted back while i was in a relationship with my current bf. i didn’t told him that i was in a rs back then because i was having problem with my current bf. we went out several times, slowly he found out that i had a bf and we get into a fight and he stop talking to me and blocked me on twitter.
2 years ago, he added me back on twitter again.
Recently I don’t know why I was over thinking about him. Not that I have feelings for him anymore but I feel like I need to apologise for giving him false hope? I told my current bf about it and he is cool with me about the whole thing and feel that I need a proper closure just to make myself feel better and stop overthinking. I feel that I need it too but at the same I don’t need it because I’m scared that D would feel that I’m just being pathetic and the whole situation does not affect him at all?
What should I do? Help.
* I’m scared that A would feel that I’m just being pathetic and the whole situation does not affect him at all?
This article is good. Hope i will find streinght in it, to help me later on.
I had few girls before THAT one. But they were only short-lasting relationships.
That one was rly nice, cute, funny and from the moment i first saw her, i knew i liked her a lot. We met on some internet dating page. Things were realy good, we loved same stuff, i loved her. But as time moved on, after over 2 years i found myself in a place where i didnt feel her love anymore… and i was soo freaking sad. I wanted her, to say to me that she didnt love me anymore and i wanted to know why.
I broke up with her, but only for a short moment (as it happened several times), as she beged me to stay with her. Since i loved her, i would give her all the chances in the world.
Eventually she broke up with me. Over mail. And the funny thing is, i was in such horrible place that i could not respond to it normally. I felt broken inside. I let her go, because i felt this was actually what she wanted all along, and i lost the fight. So i somehow collected pieces of me, and moved on. 3 years later i still think of her. She wont answer not even a mail, and i feel i never got my clousere. I feel like she never realy loved me in the first place. I feel like she never understood what was going with me, when she broke with me.
And now, after so many years i feel still caring for her. And i think i cant move on, wihout that talk with her, just one last time. I need to know why and i need her to know what was going on. I know it is crazy, i should let it go. But heart does not listen to a reason…
She didn’t love u because she ended it, but the way she ended it shows what kind of person she really is. You dont have to love someone to have decency and compassion for another person, especially someone u were very close to at some point in your life.
You deserve better my friend.
My ex broke up with me so quickly..I mean literally one minute everything was wonderful and the next..I was nothing! The only thing I got was it’s not you it’s me! He doesn’t wanna have anything to do with,me..but he wants to keep me on Instagram..I don’t understand that!
I want to thank you. This is the most help I’ve found from any one place so far. Your thoughts go right to the heart of the matter (pun intended). It’s been six months and I’m still not fully over her. The concepts you describe were already familiar to me, but the way in which you laid your thoughts out suddenly made what I knew much more immediate, clear and REAL. It’s like the difference between telling a child how to tie a shoe and SHOWING them how to tie a shoe. I compare how I feel now, after reading this, to when you have the flu and you are running a high fever and just feel awful, both mind and body – then your fever finally breaks and a wave of relief comes over your entire being; but you are still sick and weak, and must continue to recover. I am still sick in my heart and have not yet fully recovered, but now my burden is much lighter and the road to recovery before me is now much shorter than the dismal road behind me which I have already traveled.
Different people need differing styles of help to suit their individual way of seeing the world, and while I have found good advice and insight from other sources, this one is the best so far for me, and I am deeply thankful for your help. If only everyone could have their own custom made manual to navigate the trials of life and safely lead us all to the best destination for each of us.
I wanted some advice. I am typing on my phone so excuse my punctuation/and miss spelling if I do so.
I was with someone back and fourth for 4 years we r always off and on this time around a month ago we stopped talking again and it’s repeative so we ended bad this time and I said ok I’ll never look for you again . I was doing fine for a month until last night I dunked texted him and I regret it because he didn’t say nothing I wanted to hear he said stop texting him . I am hurt again because I opened the wound again. The face that he don’t care bothers me. I want to move forward I’m ready for change but I still miss him . And now I feel I have closure. He don’t love and want me any more . He’s very toxic I supported him financially he don’t wanna marry or have more kids he don’t do. Itching for me at all but idk why I still love him
*dont do nothing
Your next boyfriend doesn’t guarantee ‘an upgrade’.
At some point, people change. But what hurts, is if their faithfulness changes.
If they truly never were in love, and are looking for it, that’s a big issue, and needs to be cleared out.
But I think most people are in love at some point. But something went wrong along the way, and lie about their love for one another.
And that hurts.
It hurts more than the truth!
It’s the truth we want.
I rather want you to tell me, you stopped wanting me, because I didn’t spend enough time with you, or you didn’t like how I treated you, or because my non-athletic looks;
But don’t say you never loved me,if that wasn’t the case!
I hope and pray, everyone will get the balls to plainly tell how they feel about their relationship. If someone in your future will ever be cut off from you , I hope you’ll tell them why! They have the right.
Not telling them, is hurtful, unjust, and cruel!
Ignorance of this is not an excuse, or a way to justify doing so!
Hi Carrie ,
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this blog post. I would say it is one of the best written pieces out there on this subject, believe it or not. It really covers pretty much the hole of it and with as much as you can give in terms of advice. I am glad you were able to take your experiences, the time and your writing skill and put them to good use here. I think it will hell find any broken souls through a tough time. You have made me feel much better and I will continue to come back and re-read the post.
Many thanks,
Chris.C
I agree 100%!
I felt the same way, she did an amazing job and I reached out and thanked her for it. 🙂 This helped a ton. Also it turns out that No Contact is actually generall prescribed as a good thing for period of time. I was not aware of that.
[…]Dr.mac@yahoo. com: Helped to bring My Ex-Husband back with his spiritual power […]
I like the end of this article. Yes, I need closure. After 28 months, I still hurt over losing her. But it’s time for me to accept that she’s not coming back and she has ceased communication. Well, maybe she will come back, but I’ll deal with that then. But she likely won’t. I’ll just continue to work on myself and try to be happy.
Thank you for the article, this is the best one I’ve seen so far. After breaking up with my ex, I find my self guilty, sad, crying, and depressed sometimes. What hurts me the most is that so many people out there want me and care so much about you and I am over here thinking about the one that hurt me the most instead of them. I ended up the relationship because I would rather be alone instead of being with someone who keep hurting me over and over, lying, and careless . I tried so hard to move on but it seems like it s taking for ever. People say getting in another relationship will help me forget about him, but I don’t want to do it until I m completely over him that way I don’t hurt myself more nor my partner. When I feel like I m getting close to be over him, for some reason I be missing him soon after. Sometimes I wish that I could delete that entire chapter of my life but it s not that easy. I know for a fact that him being out of my life is the best thing that ever happened to me but I really don’t know how to stop caring about him or missing him and it hurts me knowing that I still love him despite of everything.
Not quite sure what u mean about this paragraph…
“We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.”
I was dumped over the phone by my ex and she blamed all of my flaws and fails. Believe me… I did not want to hear that and it was just salt in the wounds to think it was all my fault that she didn’t want to be with me anymore.
Unless someone is abusive or cheated in the relationship, to have a reason for a problem in a relationship (ie flaws and failures), they are followed by solutions to the problem. When there is no solution to the problem it is just an excuse. At the end of the day u just don’t love that person… so be honest.
To put the blame on the other person is cowardice.
I still find my self lost. I was a victim of abuse many times just like the author. So really I was not interested in relationships until I met this amazing girl abroad while studying at the US. We lived togther we were on top of the world and had amazing memorize. I graduated and so I had to go home so I we got engaged and did a long distance where I had to make many sacrifices with a good job and a scholarship and never really wanted anything in return but her love and warmth. Just few days before I was going to see her she sent me a text to check my email breaking it off with no closure. Just two days before she told me that she loves me and cannot wait to see me. I found my self into pieces. Depressed abusing substances for weeks. I am not sure what to do. Her last words were really hurtful for no reason and all I want is closure. I feel like I deserve it because we were best friends. She went radio silence never responding to my texts or calls and it’s harming me not knowing why she broke my heart. I still miss her so much as I wanted to marry her I am really confused. I still remebr her last words ” I do not trust you with my happiness”. I gave her my all and more. Always supporting her and comforting her when she was sad angry or depressed.
I’ve been searching for an article like this through my tears for the past several days. It’s perfect. Even for this moment, I feel stillness inside an absolutely trashed heart. I need to learn to forgive myself, too. I’m afraid that might be the hardest battle to win.
I am just the same today! How are you doing 4 months later?
I just saw this. Two years later, I’m smiling. I’m grateful. I’m at peace. But I don’t wish this experience on anyone. I hope that the last two years have been filled with love and light, Fabienne.
My boyfriend and I of two years broke up a few months ago. I knew that I had my own issues and that my anxiety didn’t help them. He pointed them out to me as if I hadn’t seen them before and told me it would be best if we worked on our issues alone (he didn’t specify what issues he had, only the ones I had). I told him that we should work on them together. This was the man who said he wanted to marry me and have kids with me, to have everything with me. I told him that when things get hard between us we should stick together and push forward because this isn’t something I want to loose. And the battle with my anxiety is hard enough for me to battle alone. At the end he still said we needed to work on our issues alone. I said okay, and I wish we could have kept in contact but he left me so broken I cant see his name without feeling … so alone? I don’t know the right words for how I feel but it’s as if I was left in the dark even after asking him to please not leave me alone in the dark. Anyway, I haven’t slept all night and I haven’t felt like myself since the break up. I found this article and it made me feel better. I still feel broken, I know it’ll get better and I pray it doesn’t take too long because this feeling inside of me feels so ugly I honestly wish I didn’t feel a thing so I could stop feeling this way.
I am aware of the time stamp of this post, that this could not be my ex gf talking about her side. This is Wild to me, reading the outcome of our relationship like I needed to see it from the their perspective. Which I feel like I’ve done my entire life, I’m a very empathetic individual, so much at times I forget to take look at my own needs. Going in a quick side note, I unknowingly felt a resurrection of this one of a kind & almost perfect relationship, one of which that crumbled, by such little damage. I felt so strong to her & was almost like a super hero, minimizing her fears of darkness & nightmares removed away by a letting her fall asleep, to me knowing she drifted off, through silence was more important to me than her I guess.
Reading your story was very similar too the ones I pretend of in my head when I wonder how she thinks about it. Life is Wild, kind of intense, & We should all Love to live it.
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This is some amazing advise. Thank you.. I hope I’m able to apply it.
Thank you for your truth. 7 days ago my bf just stop talking to me. 30 years of knowing each other, liking each other, wanting each other. Finally together, 2 years later after making plans to spend the day together, wonderful conversation, the norm, just vanished. Never argued, no real issues. Dream come true. Great relationship, both of us agreed. What happened? What happened? No clue. So thank you for sharing and the advice.
Ended almost 2 years relationship, Also 2 mth now we breakup, met once 3 weeks ago to take my belonging from her. We talk and laugh she even agreed to be friend. Lately thinking to ask her out for drink and accidentally saw her pic profile change to with another man which lot more older man. Really hurt even after 2mth thinking i already move on but clearly.not. pls help how can I move at the moment I find it I got stuck and don’t know what to do.
I’m so glad I found this post. I have been a mess for weeks. I had an old best friend who was in love with me years ago that I turned down. We reconnected after 25 years back in Feb we are both 43 now.. he stole my heart when he showed me a pic of me from our HS days he says he keeps in his pocket. Told me he never stopped loving me. Problem was he was living with someone who he wasn’t in love with but was only with her because she was helping take care of his 7 year old daughter from previous marriage. We talked everyday, texted constantly and even met up a few times. Those were the best times of my life. I always felt very insecure about this relationship since he would say how his daughter would call them her parents and how much she lives this woman. My insecurities got to me so I ended it. I tried to be friends with him but something changed with him. He was different. Told me he didn’t know If we could be friends he needed time to think ?? I came to find out they were domestic partners .. I confronted him and he didn’t admit or deny it. I still wanted to be friends with him but at that point he told me that he’s been there and done that with other girls in the past and he’s not doing this anymore.. apparently I’m too jealous?? And he can’t tolerate jealousy? All I wanted was the truth! I was honest with him from the get go .. he finally agrees to be just friends but I found myself always being the one to text him first. He would take hours to reply back when in the beginning he would reply back immediately. I tried sending him an email expressing my feelings and that back fired on me. I finally sent another email telling him goodbye .. I haven’t heard a word from him since. He’s pretty much “ghosted ” me. Was I too possessive because I needed some sort of closure ? He did ME wrong but yet he blamed me for being jealous?