“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo
Why won’t they call? Can’t they just have the conversation? What’s wrong with them? What did I do to deserve this treatment? Did I mean nothing?
Have you asked yourself these questions at the end of a relationship? I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about six months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?
First there is the breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling on the couch. Then, suddenly, it’s all gone.
Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Often, you wish you could talk to that person to obtain some closure and some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed and that you meant something…anything.
Why They Avoid You
If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners (me—raising hand), who would rather stare at Facebook or play video games than have an actual conversation, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Sometimes you have to make closure for yourself.
What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.
Closure is something everyone would like. We would like validation and understanding.
We can accept that someone doesn’t want to be with us. We can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.
Unfortunately, sometimes your partner does not have this same need, or they may have the same need but they’re better at hiding it and pretending they don’t. They would rather just push you, and their feelings, away.
In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but it isn’t.
Many people don’t know how to deal with the emotions that come with a breakup, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is the most likely reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.
The First Time
I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times, and it’s awful. No one likes to be ignored, and no one likes to not get answers to their questions. But, what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.
It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for two and a half years.
I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. So, every month or so, after the first year and a half, I would say, “Is it time to break up yet? I’m not really happy.” Every time he would shake his head and say, “No, no, no.” He looked so forlorn at the idea of me ending it, so I stayed.
But eventually, the time came. He was moving to another city, and I was planning to come visit his new place once he got all settled in. Then the strangest thing happened. During the moving period he started being super nice to me, abnormally nice, and I knew right then something was up. I knew he was struggling with trying to commit to me.
Of course he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could come out for my visit.
I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.
He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.
I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship (I knew he would never really make me happy), but for the friendship I thought we had. But apparently, we had nothing.
Like a dummy, I reached out to him again three months later, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.
After that call I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.
When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that. I’m not sure I have 100%.
The only thing I could do was to look at my mistakes and my behavior patterns and work on my side of the street, because I was never going to get answers or closure from him.
The Second Time
The second time I had to get closure on my own was with my last boyfriend. I actually ended things, but when I sent him on his way, I left the door open. I asked him to think about some things, and he said, “I guess I have a lot to think about.”
I figured I’d eventually hear back with a yes or no. I mean, isn’t that the right thing to do? Isn’t that what he implied? I thought so.
Apparently, I was wrong. Again. He didn’t call.
A few months later, after doing a lot of soul searching, I called and asked if we could try again. He said no. I accepted his decision. I was sad, but it was time to move on.
A month later he called and said he was willing to try again. So I tried. He didn’t. We spent a week together, then he left and I never heard from him again. I still couldn’t wrap my head around how he could never say anything. Not even talk to me. Why couldn’t he say, “I really care about you, but I can’t” or something.
Again, I had to accept that he is who he is, and he isn’t going to change. I knew this when I decided to try again, and looking back I should have known better. He wasn’t ready. He hadn’t changed. I was hoping for something that was what I wanted it to be, not reality.
I’m still not sure I have 100% closure with him either, but I know that reaching out to him will only hurt me more, and I know that it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants. I can only control myself and my actions and how I deal with the ending of another relationship that I thought could mean something.
If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.
Try This
If you are struggling with getting closure with an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction, or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that DVD you let them borrow?
If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:
1. Write a letter.
Write one every day if you need to. Don’t send it; just get the feelings out there.
2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.
We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect.
What if what they are really thinking is this? Do you think they are going to tell you?
- I’m afraid to be open and be hurt again.
- I don’t think I can give this person what they need.
- Being vulnerable is too scary.
- He/she is too good for me.
- My abandonment issues have triggered my unconscious need to be alone.
3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it.
You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.
4. Take your feelings and write them on little pieces of paper.
- “I am hurt.”
- “I am angry.”
- “I am sad.”
- “I am devastated.”
- “I am heartbroken.”
- “I feel rejected.”
Get a fireproof bowl and fill it with some sand. Put all the little pieces of paper in the bowl and light them on fire. Watch the words burn and with them, let the feelings go.
5. Be alone.
Be still. Cry and be sad over the loss. Accept that what once was, is no longer, and what you thought would be will never be. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.
6. Live in abundance.
They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.
Think About It
What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.
There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.
I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.
For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.
Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.
We don’t’ always get what we want, but we get what we need. Change is inevitable. Change is good. If it was meant to be, it would have been, and if it is meant to be, it will be.
Unfortunately, life does not always go along with our pre-conceived notions of how things should be, and people aren’t always what we want and need them to be. Life isn’t always wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow on top.
Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.
Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.
Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.
About Carrie L. Burns
Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a mission of self-discovery. As a sexual abuse survivor that struggled for years with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love, and relationship issues, she found her purpose through writing and sharing her story with others. Check out her other writing at www.acinglife.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for writing this. This post is exactly what I needed to read. I feel like I’ve been trying to obtain closure from my boyfriend of 1.5 years. We both know the relationship has ended however he won’t tell me why on his end. I feel like he’s waiting for me to end it, however I can’t bring myself to pull the trigger because I want him to tell me in his own words that he’s done, that he doesn’t want to work things out. Maybe I just need to love myself a little more to walk away with perhaps never knowing.
I ended a 7-year relationship with my boyfriend 8 months ago. I won’t talk to my ex because each time I’ve tried to end it in the past, he has always found a way back into my life. By not talking to him, it is impossible for him to convince me to restart the relationship. I told him what was the final straw for me before I ended it. Now, after 8 months, he has emailed me wanting to know if I’d talk to him ‘should our paths cross’. That would be a foot in the door for him and a terrible mistake for me. The relationship made me feel taken for granted.
I love the quote you gave …
“If you are brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello.” ~Paul Coehlo
Wow. I am truly baffled right now.
I have been reaching out to my ex-fiance the past week to collect money he owes my mother and he has been blatently ignoring my texts and messages. I’ve been having insane nightmares about him due to the anxiety of his unresponsiveness. How could he just ignore me?! Someone who he loved and wanted to marry? His “soul mate?”. This morning, I came on this site to search for something to help me just let go of this pain and him and lo and behold, your article is the featured post on the site. I almost got teary eyed. This is EXACTLY what I needed to read. I wont get closure from him, I will only be able to give it to myself. Thank you so much Carrie
The universe reveals itself in mysterious ways! I’m sorry for what you are going through (I’ve been through that issue as well). I always try to tell myself that it isn’t about me (even though it feels like it is)…but I also have to question why I chose that person who would so easily give up on me/us. He isn’t the man you thought he was.
“If not this….something better”. It hurts now, but it won’t always. Hang in there!
Cher- You are completely within your right not to talk to someone who you believe will manipulate you and you SHOULDN’T talk to him…..what it means is that he cares more about HIS needs than yours. If he truly cared he would let you be and find your peace and IF you came back then he would be there. I’ve been with many (okay, all of them) boyfriends who took me for granted….but never again!
Hi Mari- You may never know. Try to see things from his side. He may not know. He may not want to hurt you. He may not want to deal with it.
Just because two people love each other doesn’t mean its enough. It isn’t a reflection of you. It sounds like you know what you need to do, but are a little scared, which is okay. The unknown is scary.
I will tell you….when I released my last boyfriend and worked on myself and let it all go the most amazing man walked into my life. You’ll be just fine…I promise.
THANK YOU so very much, Carrie for your reply. You have given me so much in the way of confirmation. I love you for this. You are so aptly named … Carrie . Never again at this end either! Be well.
You make great points and they apply to friendships as well.
“If people want to be in your life they make an effort. If they don’t, then you are better off without them.”- Absolutely!
When a friend of mine seemingly lost interest in our friendship, I tended to internalize it and blame myself. I quickly realized I would not get closure from them since poor communication was at the root of the problem anyway. At first I was a little sad about it. But as I worked on giving closure to myself, I started to remember the good friends I already had, and the other new ones I was making. You see, the problems with this one person had distracted me from appreciating the other people in my life who really were caring. So for anyone going through this, I say hang on. Your perspective will change and open up new pathways you didn’t know existed.
Doug-You are so right! I had the same issue with a friend. Being sad is normal. Unfortunately (or fortunately!), not everyone is meant to stay in our lives…sometimes they come in to teach us something and leave and we can’t take that personally. As for my ex’s I am thankful they came into my life and wish them nothing but love.
Anytime Cher! If have struggled through MANY relationships and it has taken me MANY years to love myself….but once I did everything changed. Much love, Carrie
I am at the end of a 22 year relationship. I couldn’t speak to my ex husband for months, I was so angry distressed shocked and devastatingly hurt. I tried so hard at our relationship and it seems he wasn’t as committed. People keep saying I will be much happier on my own, and I have good things planned for my future. But, but in recent weeks, I miss him, I miss being intimate with him, I am haunted by memories and grieve for what we had and what we did. I keep hoping we can have romance, or rekindle something and then I tell myself to not be foolish, to value myself more, and learn to love myself, by myself. I know this will all pass but right now, it’s very hard.
Hi Kathy- 22 years is a LONG time to be with someone. I have done the same myself…but my guess is that is the relationship ended there were many reasons and generally we tend to romanticize the good and forget the bad. Maybe make a list of the pros and cons. Did he truly make you happy or did you just want to be with him? With my ex I wanted to be with him …but when I look back I was never really happy when I was with him. He didn’t cherish me. He didn’t support me. He didn’t do anything to support me or the relationship. Still…I missed being with him….until I worked on myself. Now…although he is a good guy I feel nothing. What you are feeling is completely natural. Try not to beat yourself up. Go through the feelings and you’ll be okay.
Hello Carrie! Whenever you’re free, do you mind personally helping me to get closure with my last relationship? I don’t want to share it publicly. Can I email your or Facebook you? whatever is most convenient to you.
Wow! I think we’ve all been there and yet, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this topic covered before in either a blog or article. Thanks for sharing. I’ve had it happen to me and remember it as being such a powerless and confusing situation, needless to say, it can really hurt your self-esteem.
Hi Ashanti- Check out my blog and/or you can email me at carrie@acinglife.com. I’ll do my best to help 🙂
Michelle- You are right….it completely sucks. But, like everything in life (as I’m finally learning) it’s how we interpret the information and move forward with it in a way that is best for ourselves that matters. 🙂
Hello Carrie,
Thanks for getting back to me, and I apologize if this is making you go out of your way. I am going to summarize this is as best as I can!
I met a guy last December my first semester in college, a week before I was moving back to Alabama to further my education. The guy that I met is the same age as me with the same interests. He was the guy version of me. We started texting everyday, and on the second day he wanted to talk on the phone. Our first phone conversation lasted 11 hours. I was SOO into this guy and everything we talked about. I moved in with my moms friend two weeks before moving back to AL. School was already out and I was waiting to be transported home. I told Ethan I was moving and he was devastated. I wanted to end it because long distance is ludacris. Yet, he said though the situation is not ideal, I know you’re worth it, so I am going to make this work. He came to visit me 3 consecutive days, and then I was off to AL.
We literally talked everyday all day. If I was in class I would sneak funny pictures and texts to him about what was going on, as he would do the same. We didn’t like the idea of being separated. We even had daily weekend dates where we would pick a cartoon and watch it over the computer while we were on the phone. We even scheduled our sleep routines around each other so we could go to sleep on the phone. He was in my everyday life as if he was literally there.
This went on for two months. Everything went downhill on Valentines Day. ( Feb 2016) I had just seen him a week before and the thought of us not talking the next coming week was a distant thought. Anyways, he sends me a S/o Valentine Picture with some cute sayings. Later that evening I texted him – no response. He was previously sick with tonsillitis. For a week I couldn’t get in contact with him. Then, his brother text me saying Ethan is on pain meds and will be out of it. Long story short, I heard nothing back. NOT FOR A MONTH!! A month goes by and he calls my best friend asking to get in contact with me because he just got out of jail. (The heck) And he wanted to explain to me the reason why he went ghost.
I waited for his call, but it never came. We go 3 months without talking, and then I see him in June for my Birthday week. We hung out almost every night, and it’s like nothing ever happened between us. He would hold my hand to help me maneuver around ( that’s just him). We talked, laughed, it was us. Then, when I was leaving ATL. He called me and asked what I was up to. He asked why I didn’t tell him I was going back to AL. I said ” I thought you wouldn’t care.” He asked why I thought that and I didn’t want to start an argument, so I said “IDK” Anyways, we had a brief conversation and hes off to work..
We don’t talk at the moment, but he always watches my Snapchat stories. Thats it. Nothing else. Can you tell me what happened ? He said I love you first, and we talked about our future. We even created our own fiction house where we would live. We even made up grandparent names: ( Civil and Albert)
So… What do you think? Sorry for the length.
Yours truly,
Ashanti Muhammad
K12 International Academy NCAA Student
#Senior Status 2k15
I am on the other side of this scenario. She left me, which was bad enough, then she kept pushing for contact afterwards which I gave in to. She ended up saying some of the most cold hearted things anyone had ever told me. Forget closure, she’ll never hear from me or see me again.
how do you deal with closure when children are involved. no talking no intimacy, no serious commitment? Family and peer pressures, don’t do it, hoping that things will sort itself out and one year is gone. this is for 9yrs relationship
This response confuses me. The whole piece is about how incredibly frustrating and hurtful it is when your ex does not want to talk to you. Yet here you agree completely that @Zippy should keep silent. This gives her ex exactly the pain you want to heal from. Shouldn’t she be open to contact, but be clear and give closure to her ex? Why should he leave her alone, but in the story above you are completely validated to try and get closure? This is exactly the same situation, but reversed.
Just like you said: it hurts if your ex won’t talk to you.
Of course she gives a good explanation of why she wants to stay silent: to protect herself from being dragged back into something she does not want, or maybe only a small part of her wants, but not completely. He has waited 8 months and only asked if she’d talk to him. That’s not manipulation per se. Of course you’ll try your best to get your ex back if you miss him/her. Cher would still need to agree to try again, it takes 2 to be in a relationship. If you’re afraid of being dragged back in, then you have not found closure yourself yet, and I can totally see how taking distance makes sense in this regard.
My point: he might be trying to get closure, and this advice is preventing that, just as your exes have prevented it for you. Men & women both can refuse contact because they are afraid they will be convinced by their ex to try again – I know this from experience. Surely there is a part that still cares, which is exactly why breaking contact is necessary. I’m not saying keeping distance is wrong. But don’t think men don’t need closure too.
Kirsten- That is a good question and a difficult situation. So…are you saying that you are married, but have no intimacy and not talking, etc? Things definitely will not work themselves out. First, think about what you want and deserve. Children want you to be happy. They want you to model love and healthy relationships. They don’t want two bodies just showing up. I know a lot of people say “we stay together for the children”, but I honestly believe this is a way to avoid taking the difficult path. I believe you try your hardest to fix what you have, but sometimes you can’t. You need to do what is best for your children and yourself and often that means moving on. Not sure if that helps….
Hoos- Good. Never accept abuse fro anyone. She gave you closure….by her actions. The article is meant to apply when two people are in a caring relationship and one just goes away….
Thank you a great article
I remember my first ex-boyfriend, which I deeply regret hooking up with. He was insecure, controlling, jealous and obsessive. Despite being in a “not so” serious relationship for the first time, he took advantage of my inexperience.
My ex-boyfriend lied about being with someone. The truth was exposed when his stupid ex-girlfriend called multiple times, wanting the two of us to talk as women. I wasn’t obligated to answer any of her questions, so what I should have done was end the conversation. There was no need for him to lie. I assumed it was because he wasn’t happy being with her. He had every opportunity to either work things out, or walk away. Too bad I can’t change the past.
I discovered that I was dumped for a cocktail waitress through one of my friends. It was a huge blow, because my ex-boyfriend took the cowardly way out. He didn’t want me to strike a conversation with his current girlfriend, so she won’t get any bad ideas about him. I refused to be told what to do. All I did was laugh at him, telling him how much of a bastard he was to me. I NEVER forgave my ex-boyfriend, since he was the type of person who won’t hold himself accountable for his actions. I will forever HATE him and do not want our paths to cross.
Thank you, Carrie for allowing me to share my experience.
LaTrice….I’m sorry he hurt you and he does sound like a coward, but forgiving him is the best way to gain peace for yourself. Remember, that people don’t always do things TO YOU. They do them because they don’t know any better, they are hurt and lost and we often are in a place we we are facing our own issues. So, maybe you can thank him for the lesson he taught you and let it all go. The opposite of love isn’t hate…its apathy…Just a few thoughts 🙂
Thank you Deb!
While i want clouse i know ill never get it because 1) my ex is a abusive nassisit who is a tad bit racist 2) its been three-four yeah and he still won’t take responsiblity yet feel the need to send other people to harrass me the latest being his wife blocking while best isn’t the closure i want its what im gonna get becuase he is a dickhead who can’t own up to real resposiblty
Wow, this popping up in my email is so timely. My ex broke my hear 6 weeks ago in the cruellest possible way and on what would have been our anniversary. He had gotten together with someone else during what was a very short break on my part as I felt he wasn’t as into me as I was him, and it turned out I was right. One of the things he said to me was that we might still reunite, and that I would be his best friend. After putting on a big display of being sad when he said goodbye, I watched him from my window checking out his phone. It had all obviously been a big act. He has never got in contact with me and I alternate between sorrow and fury, I feel betrayed and discarded. The sentence that I really needed to read in your article is that “any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.” I know he is dishonest and emotionally immature, and yet I still have feelings for him. But I have to remember that ultimately, he isn’t worthy of me. Thank you <3
It is SOOO hard isn’t it? We want to believe people and we want them to be something we want them to be and its hard to realize the truth. Try to remember, it isn’t about you. You DO deserve better and what is meant to be will be. Although, trust me I KNOW how much it hurts when it happens.
I’m confused….why would you date someone who has a wife?
im not dating someone who has a wife. We were dating for five years before he met his wife he broke up with me in 2013 after he abuse me it was earler this year his now wife contacted me saying stuff about me i would never date a married man.
I have been off and on again with a guy for two years. The whole time we were together he lived off me. I am a single mum and he didn’t pay rent, I paid his bills, cooked, cleaned you name it. But I was always last. He never took me out, never helped pay rent or any bills. Everytime he left he would ignore me and only come back when I would start to move on and be happy with my life or if I started to see someone else. But he would always leave again after begging and promising every time became back. This happened so many times. He made everyone hate me by telling them things to make himself seem like he didn’t do anything wrong and like I was the worst person ever even though I did everything and loved him so much. I fell pregnant to him and he ignored me and was talking to other girls online so I had an abortion and then he made me feel guilty saying he wanted me to have it even though he was never around. The most recent break up was about 4 weeks ago. I had been seeing someone else and fell pregnant. He had been begging for me back for months but I wasn’t giving in this time. I told him I was pregnant and he broke down begging me not to keep it and be with him. I love him so much so I terminated the pregnancy. As soon as I terminated he told me we were done and how much he hates me and what a bad person I am and hasn’t spoken to me since. I am such a mess. I know I should just let him go but if it was that easy this wouldn’t have continued for so long. I don’t know how to pick myself up again when I have started again so many times only to believe him when he says he loves me and I take him back! I need to stop this cycle for me and block him out when he wants to come back. I just don’t know how. It hurts so much.
Thank you Carrie for replying. If I am honest, I can’t blame him for what he did. I let him go, he admitted that he can’t be alone, so I have to accept that I contributed just as much, and learn to live with that awful regret. I just wish the guy had been honest with me, nothing is as painful as being given false home. We live and learn. x
I was with my ex for 2 and a half years. I always questioned the relationship and felt like I was settling at times, but grew to care for him. We never had big fights, no yelling or screaming. We finally broke up back in February and it was amicable and ‘mutual’. He said we could hopefully be friends some day. We didn’t have any contact for 3 months until a mutual friend showed me a picture of him and a girl he was dating. I called my ex and asked to meet up because I felt that I didn’t get the closure I needed. He showed up but had a wall up and didn’t really give me the closure I wanted. It was me sharing feelings and him not being very responsive. Since then, we haven’t talked. It’s been a total of 7 months since the breakup and I am still ruminating. He moved to a different city and has done little things via social media that I feel are to get my attention (commenting on my good friend’s post welcoming her to his ‘home’ since she’s visiting the new city he’s in, adding my cousin on Instagram, etc.) . He also hung out with a mutual friend and was a totally new person (think cocky frat boy who shares pictures of girls, blatantly checking out girls, etc. When I was with him he was a nerdy respectful guy), and acting like he was on top of the world. I felt like he knew all of this would get back to me, and that’s why he did it. I could be wrong. I reached out after 3 months so I feel like the ball is in his court this time. I wish he would just talk to me! I would like a friendship with him. Some people say that if he wanted to talk to me, he would. But I haven’t reached out either? Do I move on and ignore it or reach out to him?
Jenny—When you said this….”but I resent him for leaving and never looking back even though he mentioned a friendship”…I totally relate. Mine used to tell me “no matter what you will always be in my life as I value our friendship”. Guys say things they mean..AT THE TIME…they don’t always consider the impact their words have. He doesn’t want to be friends with you for whatever reason. It may be too hard, it may be he wants to move on, it may be he is worried you still want to be with him-but none of that matters. What matters is that he isn’t reaching out to you. NO…do not reach out. Move on. I know it’s hard.
It took me about 2 years to fully let go of my ex and forgive him for ignoring me and our “friendship”. You will get over this man, but it may take time. Focus on yourself and finding someone that WANTS to be in your life. Good luck.
Thank you for your response! I would never want to be in a relationship with him again but I understand he might not be able to handle being friends on his end. Especially since his feelings may have gone deeper than mine. It was my first serious relationship so that may be why I’m still holding on to certain things. But you’re right, time to move on and swallow those feelings. Thanks again for the advice!
Anytime Jenny! Relationships are hard and losing love and someone that was once so important is the hardest. It will take time..but you will get over it all. I promise. Trust me…I’ve done it enough I should know!
Guys don’t want to hurt you so they don’t always tell the truth. They don’t do it on purpose. Remember, they aren’t as in touch with their feelings and emotions as we are. Definitely focus on your part and how you can avoid doing it in the future.
I was confused! I say…let it go and let him go. Focusing on someone else is only negative energy for you. You deserve better….
Bekokstover- I think you are misinterpreting the article and my response. The main point is when a relationship ends we often want someone to tell us why or give us closure. Guys don’t always have the same need. From what Cher said her ex was manipulative and she didn’t want to go back to him…it isn’t the same thing. He didn’t want closure…he wanted to do what was convenient for him. At least, that was my understanding of her post.
You are so welcome! I often try to be the “nice” girl but it usually backfires. You need (we all need) to take care of ourselves and stop giving away our power to those who don’t deserve it. xoxoxo
Maybe you’re insane and they are protecting themself with something called “no contact”…
Totally in love with this article. This is exactly how I feel, and now I know I’m not the only one facing this.
easier than done. after she’s married, then Im married 2 years later. For 20 years she keep that feeling without me knowing. After 20 Years, she let me know, shes still in love with me. Somehow I know that she keep that feeling. We Start to caressing each other again, at some point, she’s knew this is wrong, because this is an affair. Now, the relationship never ends…I dont know how to end this…because I dont want to end this or she…just keep thing the way there are. Like sitting in a time bomb, waiting to explode, I dont want this. 🙁
Wow!!! 2 Years?!?!? That makes me feel good. Cause I’ve been hung up and kinda hard on myself on the fact that it’s been almost a year, and I’m still struggling with this break up. I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back. It’s a horrible emotional roller coaster. And he have made no attempt at all to make any kind of contact. I think that’s what hurts the most. That it ended and he just kept it pushing.
So many people are going through the same general experiences with their ex. I feel for you all and at the same time I am glad I’m not the only one.
I was with my girlfriend Paula for over 3 years. She had told me that she was a runner and she felt differently about me. She never would run from me according to her and talked me into moving into her house despite my fear of being left on the street if we didn’t work out. She swore to me that if that would happen she would give me 3 months or whatever I needed to get into another place again. I already had childhood trauma from a physically and mentally abusive mother, and my mother abandoning me on multiple occasions. She always called the police on me and blame me for all of the abuse I endured and Paula knew this, but I trusted her and I took the leap of faith.
BTW Paula is a psychologist and works with veterans with drug dependency. When I met her I used heroine, more because i have chronic back pain and its cheaper than prescriptions and I had always been a smoker. She enabled me to do drugs by making sure she always had cash on her so I could buy it since I always used cards, she made me feel bad about getting off of it because she feared it would alter my outlook on her and my life, she knew my dealer and befriended him, and feared I wouldn’t love her anymore if I wanted to quit using, so ultimately I stayed on drugs,
I did everything for her. I stuck with her through a rare night she was drunk and I was driving her home. She was telling me how much she love me, then a wrapper or matchbook caught the wind and went out the window. It triggered hell fire and for the first and only time she started punching me with a closed fist over and over and over, screaming about how much of a loser I am (I’m a successful business owner), or any imperfection about me that she knew would bothered me. She tried throwing herself out of the car several times on our way home. This lasted all night at the house, then she finally passed out. I had to hold her from killing herself and punching me, ultimately causing bruising on her arms that she later complained about. I was so hurt over this. When she woke up she was back to being Paula again and apologized over and over. I left for 3 days and when I came back we made up.
The next time she had a couple drinks, months later, she was pulled over and received a DUI despite my pleads for her to let me drive her home in my car. She almost lost her license to practice as a counselor and it was a very painful time for her. I was always by her side through thick and thin and I supported her 100% but I still had a bad drug problem and it was getting worse. Again, Paula is a Psychologist and works as a drug treatment counselor at the VA hospital.
If we had any type of disagreement, she would throw my drug use in my face, and the bruising from restraining her during her drunk outrage several months prior.. She would always blame me for anything that went wrong in her life and leave me confused about our entire existence together, but I loved her more than anything. I may not have said it as much as I should have towards the end, but I showed it in everything I did for her.
A very long story short, my drug use was out of control and we had an argument one night, which was rare, She pressed all of my buttons and I ended up pinning her on the bed and I began to put my forearm to her neck but I caught myself and stopped. It was a split second but felt like eternity. I told her maybe I should leave, because I was so shocked and although I scared her she wanted to talk it out. I was set on leaving and we despite that we ended up making love that night,
The next day I’m about to pack and I see my dogs looking at me, I cried and changed my mind and I told Paula that I was sorry and I love her and I want to get help and be clean and even seek counseling. She said no, she’s done and she wants to see other men and wants me out of the house. She left for the weekend and never answered a text. Just like that. I was mortified. Not even a chance to redeem myself. I tried to communicate and all she would do is tell me to get out or I will be evicted. She told me the sight of me made her sick, every smoker is a drug addict and she wants to move on. She ended up leaving again for an entire week, No communication from her whatsoever. Just gone.
One night on the 6th day of her disappearing, I came home from work and the doors were locked and changed. I was served with a restraining order. She had done everything I had feared and in the worst way possible. I had to stay with a friend and figure out how to get my things, and I am a DJ Business owner so I have a ton of expensive equipment. I was traumatized and feared for the dogs she once loved, yet I still was in love with her.
Days went by with nothing and all of a sudden she messages me and says I can come back to get my things and get the dogs out too (we raised these 2 dogs together) while she’s at work. I ended up getting her to talk and she reluctantly said that she wanted to get me out initially because she wanted me to see how much I meant to her, then she felt hatred towards me and her reasons changed, however I do not know what that is. It all seemed like cruel games.
We met face to face that night and all she did was put me down, yet she let me hold her all night despite her harsh words. In the morning I was downstairs and when she woke up and she came down, she saw me and screamed loud at me to get me and the dogs out of her house and I make her sick! I was so confused. I scurried for some things and I left. It was so demeaning and I felt like I was nothing.
After that, there was no contact whatsoever, other than getting the rest of my things out, and the dogs out and in that time, despite never getting a reply, I tried showing my love with filling the house with flowers, I painted her house and landscaped while she was at work and I was packing. I didn’t know what else to do and I’m not even sure I was trying to win her back, I simply wanted to see her happy my erasing my memory. No doubt I was still in love, yet so confused and crushed over this chaos.
By the time I was finished moving, she never thanked me nor did she throw out the flowers or notes attached to them, She kept it all nicely dried around the house. Why would she do that anyway? Another mind game? The last text I received from her was on my last day of packing. I was running late leaving her house and I texted her to ask for a little more time before coming home. Her response and the last text I ever received was “I am on my way home, if your not finished and you’re still there, I will call the cops, your choice”. So awful from my point of view… I never did have any closure, no explanation on what was really happening to her and why I was nothing to her overnight.
I won’t completely recover from this for some time, but thanks to you I am able to have closure for myself. In the time we separated I had purchased a home and have the dogs and she never even made an attempt to see them again thus far. It seems she abandoned her family, she is likely in foreclosure because she isn’t able to afford that huge house on her own anymore. Tell me what you think about this mess. I would lke to know, I feel sorry for her and I still love her but I am also trying to move on 🙂
Thanks for listening.-Jamie
Im sorry but thats a pretty ridiculous response “guys dont always have the same need” because im a guy and my girlfriend who i loved to death broke up with me last week and will not even talk to me to tell me why. I did nothing wrong showered her with love and even her friends messaged me saying they dont know why she would do this and things like that. Not saying your wrong i enjoyed your article, i read many like this and try to flip it to a guys point of view as there isnt much written about things like this from a males perspective as guys are supposed to be “tough” and not care when we get broken up with. but i sure fucking do because im an emotional wreck. i just want her to answer why thats it and she cant even give me that after everything i did for her. Guys feel this to.
May I ask a question? I recently reached out to my first love after having no contact for 30 years, yes 30 years. I’m 53, she left me when I was 23, after a 3 year relationship. I was very immature at the time and was more interested in playing the guitar and smoking pot, then giving her the love she needed. I know I hurt her, because she told me so, and mutual friends told me the same thing. A year after she left me (after never telling me why), she moved in with a guy 20 years older than she, and who was very wealthy. Was she looking for a father figure? I don’t know. Of course it didn’t last and she was kicked to the curb.
I’ve thought about her for a long time, and always wanted to apologize to her. Of course I wanted some validation from her like, “yes, you meant a lot to me, you hurt me, but I had to move on.” Just like described in the article, and yes I admit that is somewhat selfish, but I wanted to hear it from her, why she left.
Her mother died recently, so I thought I would send my condolences and apologize for being a bad boyfriend 30 years ago. I am happily married with great kids, but I craved the closure described in this great article. She agreed to talk on the phone, she was polite, took my apology kind of, and we hung up.
I got a very short email from her a few days later saying, “You didn’t hurt me at all, and you don’t owe me an apology.” That’s it. I was shocked. I know I hurt her, and I’m not proud of it, but couldn’t she had been just a tad bit more gracious? Is she still bitter after 30 years? She’s married and I guess has a wonderful life. Did she not want to appear vulnerable? Did she simply want to hurt me, but discounting a very close relationship we had? I thought I was doing something nice, but I guess it backfired. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks!
I was looking for a good article and this was it. Thank you.
Making amends, which is what you were trying to do, is something you do for yourself. It’s actually not a favor to the other person. It’s not for them—it’s for you. You were an intrusion on her life now. You have to accept that. And you have to forgive yourself for whatever you imagined you did in the past. It was a long time ago. Your ex is either in denial about what happened or doing her best to help you move on. It might also be that she simply had enough and left. We’re not all that aware when we’re 20 years old! We don’t process things in the same way. Sometimes we just move on. Easier for her to do that as she seems to have behaved better in the relationship than you may have. Not having things to apologize for is incentive to show up as our best selves as best we can in each moment! In the end, you each had an experience that brought you to where you are now. And you both seem grateful to be where you are now. Let it go at that. You finally did what you couldn’t do 30 years ago. That’s really all this amounts to. But it’s for you and about you—not her! You have to realize that. And stop expecting anything from her. You did what you needed to do to look yourself in the mirror.
Responding to you is helping me process a similar situation. It’s not from years ago, it’s from right now. I did nothing wrong except to end something that had to be ended with a man I thought was single but discovered was married. I continued even after learning he was married, but with the idea that he might separate and then eventually knowing he wouldn’t. A true path to hell. Anyway—I feel bad and guilty about ending the relationship. I ended it in a text because I simply couldn’t do it in person. And I feel horrible about that. He is person who lies to himself and others (asleep is what I call it) and I knew we could not have an honest conversation and then part. I think that’s why I sent the text. It would have been too hurtful in person and a one-way conversation with me trying to make him understand and likely falling to pieces. But still I’d like to “make amends” to him—because I did’t get a response or “closure” to my text. Do you see some parallel with your situation? This need is coming from me. Not him. I have no idea how he feels or what he might want or need from me. I think I did him a favor and that he might see it like that. Perhaps he did me a favor by being very disappointing the last time I saw him. You may have done your ex a similar favor. It’s really hard to say. So your guilt and reaching out now is all something created in your mind. It’s not a real thing. And what it’s in your mind, is not in hers. And so you have the situation that occurred. But know that people process events long after the moment. Your reaching out is now filed away as a positive and unexpected experience for her. And she likely carries more positive thoughts of you than she had. So, mission accomplished. Let it go!