“Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese
On a snowy winter day in the dark month of January, I got hit by a car. My left leg was immediately amputated. A darkness started growing in my seventeen-year-old heart that day.
Harvey was the man driving the car that hit me.
Because of Harvey’s decisions, I didn’t have my leg. Because of Harvey, I walked in pain. Because of Harvey, I lost my confidence as an attractive woman.
At the trial two years later, Harvey and I weren’t allowed to talk to each other. I saw him at the defendant’s table with his head cast down in shame. He never looked me in the eye. In fact, Harvey never apologized to me.
I was a strong woman who didn’t let my disability keep me down. I tried to pretend that I was as capable as two-legged people. I learned how to ski, kayak, rock climb, backpack, scuba dive, and sky dive.
I spent just as much energy stuffing my anger, depression, and grief. I was terrified that, if given half a chance, they would eat me alive.
I felt like two women. The one the world saw was capable, strong, independent, and inspirational. The other woman I reserved for myself. She was sad, insecure, and boiling with anger.
During my twenties, I had three significant romantic relationships. Although each one of those men told me how amazing I was and how much they loved me, none of them wanted to marry me. I assumed it was because of my leg.
Harvey took marriage from me as well.
When I was truly honest with myself, I had a vague understanding that my depression and anger, which I usually expressed inappropriately, could have contributed to my failed relationships. I decided it was time for counseling.
Therapy was a time for me to finally grieve. I realized how fear controlled me and how post-traumatic stress dictated my life. I started to understand the magnitude of my negative feelings—toward the Universe, toward life, and toward Harvey.
Over many months, I learned appropriate ways to express sadness, anger, and resentment. My emotions didn’t eat me alive as I had feared. Actually, I became alive when I started to truly feel them.
On the fifteenth anniversary of the accident, I was alone in my apartment, nursing my depression with some wine. My thoughts turned to Harvey. Did he know what today was? Does he remember me? Then I was struck by a bolt of brilliance. I’ll call him!
If he isn’t going to call me to apologize, then I’ll call him and rub it in his face how he ruined my life.
I didn’t think twice. I jumped up off the couch, found his number, and dialed. The phone rang once. Twice. Five times. I ended up leaving a message.
At work the next day I could hardly concentrate, and by the time I got home from work, I was a bundle of nerves. Would he call?
And then the phone rang.
“Hi Colleen, this is Harvey.”
I screamed at him, “Do you know who I am? Do you know what yesterday was?”
“Oh yes,” he said through his sobs. “I remember you. I think about you all the time.”
My heart lurched. He thought about me all the time? Then why didn’t he contact me?
Harvey and I conversed and connected and ended the call with an agreement to meet.
In preparation for our visit, I spent a number of sessions with my therapist preparing to give Harvey a verbal lashing. I was ready to shame him for what he had done to me.
When the day finally came, Harvey and I saw each other across the hotel lobby. Tears welled up in his eyes as he walked toward me.
“Hello Colleen,” his arms opened wide. “Can I give you a hug?” What? You want me to give you a hug? Wouldn’t a good chest beating be more appropriate? The nice girl in me gave him a hug.
During the four hours we spent together, instead of screaming at him for everything he had taken from me, I listened. I heard how the accident happened from his perspective—and he heard how it happened from mine.
We rehashed every moment leading up to the impact and, in doing so, we realized that, given all the same conditions, given our mutual naiveté, if placed in the same position again, we may very well make the same decisions.
I listened as he talked about how his life was impacted by the accident. He was just a twenty-one-year-old married guy at the time of the accident. Afterward, anytime he saw someone who reminded him of me, he broke down and cried—or became mean. His marriage suffered; he and his wife eventually divorced.
At the end of the visit, when Harvey and I parted, I gave him a hug. That time I wanted to.
Back home, when I realized I was able to see the situation through Harvey’s eyes, I felt a freedom I had never known before.
When I made the choice to let go of the past and forgive Harvey, I felt empowered. I didn’t see it then, but looking back I can see that when I harbored bitter feelings toward Harvey, I was hurting myself more than anyone.
Harvey and I saw each other a year later when I was visiting his town for a conference. While at dinner, instead of re-hashing the accident again, we talked about our lives. We came to the table ready to pick each other up off that roadway that had held us captive for so long.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that just a year later I finally met the man who would become my husband. We married a year later and soon started our family. When I was able to let go of the past, I was finally able to create the future I had always wanted.
Do my bitter feelings and resentments still surface? Absolutely. But now I don’t allow them to define me as a victim. I allow them to remind me to forgive. Again. And again. And again.
I’ve learned that forgiveness is a journey. When our heart becomes too heavy with the burden of our bitterness, there are distinguishable steps we can take that lead us to inner peace.
What about you? Is there something in your past that is hard to forgive? Do you want to let this go? Do you want to live more fully into your potential by releasing the past? If so, try these steps:
1. Acknowledge your feelings related to the situation and actually feel them.
Move through them. For fifteen years anger, depression, resentment, and bitterness were subversive hijackers of my life. Once I learned how to acknowledge and feel these emotions, they not only lost their power, they subsided.
2. See the situation from the other person’s perspective.
Our myopic view of the situation keeps us stuck in the past. If possible, have a conversation with your perpetrator. If that’s not possible, imagine the situation from your perpetrator’s point of view. What story can you tell that might explain the situation from his or her perspective?
3. Release your bitter feelings.
Remember, you were not born angry, sad, or vindictive. Let go of these accumulations and allow yourself to return to your pure humanity.
4. Make the choice to forgive.
Yes, forgiveness is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. And you may need to forgive a transgression again and again until that becomes your new normal.
Forgiveness is not about condoning another’s actions. When forgiving another, we are not absolving them of restitution. Forgiveness isn’t even about the other person. The choice to forgive is always a gift we give ourselves.
Photo by Okinawa Steve
About Colleen Haggerty
Colleen Haggerty is a Forgiveness Coach, supporting people to find a way to accept their past and make the choice to walk into their future. Colleen shared her story of forgiveness through her TEDx talk and her memoir A Leg to Stand On, an Amputee’s Walk Into Motherhood.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Colleen – There’s not really much I can add. Thanks for sharing your story and the importance of forgiveness! I’m glad that you’ve reached a place of peace in your heart.
Thank you for sharing this story. That is so powerful. I wish I could talk the person I need to forgive. I don’t know if I would be able to view it from his perspective in a compassionate way, but I might be wrong about that. I would like to forgive him. Confusion and pain cloud my judgement so many days. I need to think about what you wrote. Maybe it will help.
Thanks for your article. I struggle with forgiveness because the person whom I am in the process of forgiving is absolutely not remorseful, and has in fact, said he has no regrets about the pain he caused, and barely acknowledges it. In fact, he’s said to me recently that the decision that impacted my family so drastically, was one of the best decisions he made in his life. Obviously he is in his own arrogance and denial for whatever reason, but the fact that he has no empathy, no desire for empathy outside of his own happiness bubble is extremely hard for me to deal with when I think about and want to forgive him. Forgiveness is so important, and I hope I find my way to do it.
Colleen- What a powerful life teaching you shared. Have the strength to forgive and let go the past and live the life in the moment. I am glad you were able to do it. Life throws us challenges and they make us strong. If we accept them and prepare ourselves to take the next challenge good or bad, we will be happy.
I want to forgive but I can’t see cheating and having another child with a friend from my ex’s perspective he hurt me really bad I don’t want to see it his way no amount of anything should have caused him to cheat if he wasn’t happy he should have said not sat there while I went crazy worrying about the reality that I knew all along. He said “I apologize” not said sorry and said to 2days after it happened it didn’t sound sincere at all is there anything else I could
Thanks, Ed, I appreciate the comment. Yes, after years of living with bitterness, I am happier with a peaceful heart. All my best, Colleen
Shawn, the first step is desire to forgive. And this process requires lots of baby steps. Take this at your own pace and trust your journey. I wish you peace. Colleen
Marie, I am so sorry for this man’s lack of empathy and remorse. Not everyone has the good fortune to have a positive connection with their perpetrator as I did. But even if Harvey hadn’t connected with me, releasing my bitter feelings was the most important thing I did – for myself. When we look outside ourselves and wait for others to change, we’re usually disappointed. Wishing you peace on the path.
Kiki, betrayal is so incredibly hard, especially with an intimate. Sometimes perspective is easier to gain through the lens of time. It sounds like this is still fresh. it took me 15 years before I could forgive. Honoring your own anger and sadness is an important part of the healing process. The important thing I had to remember and keep telling myself was that I was on a journey that would guide me through those bitter feelings. I knew I didn’t want to stay stuck in them forever. I hope this helps a little. All my best on your journey.
Yes, life’s challenges can make us strong. Or they can defeat us. We are at choice for how we respond. You certainly sound like you make the choice to be happy. Awesome!
Thanks for sharing this amazing story. It takes a great deal of courage to forgive. I hope to use your example in my own forgiveness struggles.
Mark, I’m sure your courage is right there, ready to help you forgive when you are ready. Peace on the journey
Wow, this was an inspiring story. It must be really hard to get over your situation, but look at you? You did it and you and happy (which is the brightest treasure these days.) I’m really glad about you 🙂
Your story gave me chills and I even said “wow” out loud when I read that he became your husband! This is an inspiring story of how communication, and understanding the other person’s perspective/thought process can lead to forgiveness, compassion, and letting go of our suffering! 🙂 Great post, thank you for sharing! 🙂
yes, communication and looking at his perspective led to forgiveness, but no, Harvey was not the man I married. What I intended to convey was that in forgiving and letting go of the past, I was able to finally meet my husband and create the future I’d always wanted. Thanks for reading.
thanks, Nikola. I’m glad, too!
Oh, oops… I guess I read that too fast! ha…I am thrilled that you were able to move forward and embrace and enjoy a wonderful life! 🙂
This was perfect and the timing couldn’t have been better! Granted I have been struggling with forgiveness my entire life because in my mind, forgiveness always meant that I was personally at peace with the poor decisions someone else made to ruin my or a others lives. I have always felt most people don’t deserve forgiveness! It’s hard to adjust that perspective and think of forgiveness as something you do for yourself and not necessarily for the other person. I have had more issues crop up in the past five years that although I put on a confidant and over achiever face… I am so depressed and torn inside; so much so that it is deeply affecting my marriage and I am letting it because I am so stubborn in my ways! I have saved your blog and will refer to it when I am struggling. Thank you!
Jodi, I’m glad that my story spoke to you and gave you a different way to look at your situation. I, too, have put on a confident countenance to belie how I truly feel. But in doing so I just more pressure on myself to live up to that image and deny the feelings within. Once I allowed myself to really look at and feel my emotions, then I was ready to take the next step. All my best to you.
Colleen, I read your story and it brought tears in my eyes. You are a brave woman, thanks for sharing that part of you. I am also having a really hard time letting to of my past and forgive someone that really abused and mistreated me. You suggested “feeling your emotions and truly looking at them”. But I am scared of feeling my emotions and letting them take over me. Each time that happened I went deeper into anxiety and depression. Really feeling them also makes me dysfunctional. My coping mechanism at this point was to be angry at that person, try to forget him ( not forgive) and change my focus to things I really wanted in my own life. This again is easier said than done. I have days when I ball my eyes out to bed, where I keep pushing my emotions aside by distracting myself, by staying active ect. It must be very difficult for you to let go of that part of you since it was an accident. I find it much difficult to forgive someone when they willingly caused pain and hurt. If the person apologize ( if only ) I can’t even seem to think about entertaining the idea of forgiveness when I know he caused me pain willingly and knowingly.
You must be really brave and it is commendable to hear about your acceptance of him and yourself.
Thank you for your article and fortitude, and I’m very grateful to see you take the time to answer each person. I think many of us know the great benefits that come from letting go and forgiving, but we are so attached to our pain we keep it close to us. I think in the case that we have been abused maybe its not a good idea to converse though, if they are not repented they might see it as a foot in the door and leave the abused vulnerable again. But I think to meditate on their perspective and let go is the best thing we can do for ourselves. We’ve already had the pain, why take the suffering with us forever? Take good care X
In my construct, forgiveness is an act I do for myself and has little to do with my perpetrator. Certainly this process had a different flavor in another experience in which my perpetrator had intent, but the process was still the same – as was the outcome: I decided to be peaceful in my heart. I guess that’s ultimately what we want, isn’t it? I invite you to focus on yourself and your needs and and take the focus off him and see where that takes you. I also invite you to get support from trusted loves ones and/or professionally. I couldn’t have faced my emotions without that kind of support. At one point I went and stayed with my brother, I was living alone and so depressed, I just couldn’t manage on my own. Please find some healthy, loving support. Wrapping you in a hug.
well said, Maria. Always take care of yourself first through this process! I certainly don’t want anyone to be re-victimized! Thank you for pointing that out. All my best.
What a beautiful story of forgiveness! I carried a burden of deep anger for over 20 years and when the forgiveness came it was such a relief. My anger was towards my alcoholic mother. It is a long story, but I totally agree with your points. I would add one more point that goes with #4, that is to forgive yourself for what ever you were feeling. Forgiving the other person is so important and no less important than forgiving yourself. Forgiving ourself creates the way for self love and healing.
Thank you for sharing your story on this great site you have help me to get my focus back and not stay in the past were i have been for so long
Here, here, Carolynne! Self-forgiveness can, in fact, be even harder than forgiving another, can’t it? Thanks for bringing that to the conversation. All my best.
So glad my story spoke to you, Darren. Onward!
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve been at a loss for several years on how to help my daughter forgive her father. I’ve learned that I can’t help her no matter how hard I try and I need to stop wasting my energy in that perspective but I can guide her. I can’t take her personal pain away; only she has that power but I can and will always be here for her as a silent guiding source. Thank you for your wise words. Every thing happens for a reason and I think we all know the reason this accident happened to you. You suffered so much but turned it around and have helped so many. God Bless.
thank you, Julie. It’s so hard to see others in pain, like you with your daughter. She is definitely walking her path and she’s lucky to have you there lovingly walking beside her. All my best
Thank you Colleen – I’ve been struggling wtih a lot of anger over something that’s really petty by comparison to what you experienced. I’d been wanting to forgive but hadn’t been able to find the path. Your story and your four steps are already helping me move forward. You have a wonderful heart. All the best.
Your story is really inspiring…”Do my bitter feelings and resentments still surface? Absolutely. But now I don’t allow them to define me as a victim.” Something to remind myself more often! Thanks for sharing your wisdom…:-)
Not just you; I had to read that sentence again to make sure if I understood it clearly…:P
Your welcome! Yes, being a victim used to be such a part of my internal identity. I felt so free when I realized I could choose how I felt about myself. All the best..
Alison, I’m glad that you found some footing on the path. All my best to you!
This story almost moved me to tears Colleen. Thank you for sharing it with us. God really works in mysterious ways. I can’t imagine if I will be able to forgive Harvey if I was on your shoes but then again, nothing is impossible. I used to find difficulty forgiving those who wronged me but over time, I learned to know how to let go and move on but I haven’t been in a most difficult situation as yours and for that, I have become an admirer. You’re a great person Colleen! Keep it up!
I still struggle a lot with feeling helpless & victimized by circumstances & people, but I like to think that I have made some slight progress over the past few years…Thank You!
By the way; I love TED Talks…which talk did you do…can you share the link?
I live in Bellingham, WA and we had a TEDx event here last fall. here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE7TaUG3qQI
My talk is about the story I shared here at Tiny Buddha. I hope you enjoy it.
Great, helpful story. Although I understand this principle well, try to practice it, there’s always a situation, mine or someone else’s which raises the “But” question. I was happy to read how you worked this through. Ultimately, we learn it’s not about “them”, it’s always about our “being” joy and love and delight, instead of an amalgam of flesh or preferred circumstances.
So true. And once we let go of the way we wanted the past to be and accept it for what it was, no matter how horrendous, we open space for forgiveness. Thanks for reading.
thanks, Noel, I appreciate your words.
Thanks a lot for sharing this story dear Colleen. I am so happy to hear that your story lead to a good end. Thanking God for helping you 🙂
Hi Colleen,
I used to think that forgiveness is about releasing the other person of the pain they have caused and somehow giving them a pass. In time I learned that forgiveness is just about me, about my willingness to let go and move forward, to understand that I can’t change what happened, but I can change what happens now. At the same time, I finally understood the importance of releasing the burden of unforgiveness, as a lot of times the only person we hurt by not forgiving is ourself. Thank you for your insight.
Here, here, Lavinia! thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Rohith!
I want to forgive an ex best friend for all the hurt he has caused me. After for such a long time he has always made a choice that deliberately hurt me. He came back into my life almost a year later with a new girlfriend. I waited for him and he made a chioce to move on. He apologized to me and wanted to fix things but never did. All he has to say now is stoop dwelling on it. Hes happy and I want to get to that place too. I want to forgive him so badly.
Renee, I know it’s hard when you don’t see eye to eye with the person who has hurt you. It sound like his actions aren’t congruent with his words of contrition. So now it’s up to you to focus on yourself. How can you find peace in your heart around this situation? What would happen if you let go of the bitter feelings you have toward him? What could fill that space? Thoughts to ponder as you walk the path. All my best.
Thank you so much colleen. This is definitely going to be a tough one because I still love/hate (not so much hate) at the same time. Looking at his new interest and the hurt in the past and thinking, “why me?” Why couldn’t you have loved me? What was wrong with me is all I ask myself everyday? Internalizing it makes it much worse also with his excuses as to why he couldn’t. We were such good friends.
So in my childhood there was this boy who beat me emotionally, mentally and physically, I want to forgive him I want to move on but every time I run into him he just acts cocky and says that I used to like him when we where little and I always say no i didn’t and he never leaves me alone until I feel bad and I’m so tired of feeling like crap every day, other people used to bully me and they changed so I have nothing against them but the pain is still there. And I wish I was dead sometimes, I used to selfharm and it’s really tempting to go back I try so hard to hide my feelings from my parents because when I do try and seek help they tell me to suck it up I so desperately want therapy and I’ve been trying to get some since 10th grade but the counselor says I have to tell my parents but I can’t bring myself to being a shame to my family I’m so scared please teach me to let go I really want to be happy.
Candy, I am sorry I just saw your comment. I just revisited the Tiny Buddha website. I am sorry for your pain and fear. It’s hard when we feel hopeless. At times like this it is important to take baby steps and be compassionate toward yourself. I’m sure you would benefit from counseling, but don’t forget to tap into your own wisdom. You were not born scared; return to your pure humanity. I wish you all the best.