“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown
When I was fourteen years old, I vividly remember the first time I put my fingers down my throat and made myself puke.
I remember feeling fat, ugly, unworthy, and like I was not good enough. I felt as if I had no control and I was unable to effectively process the strong emotions I was feeling. Binging and purging allowed me to temporarily release these feelings, to numb them out, and created a fallacy of control in my life.
From that day on, for the next twelve years of my life, I became consumed with food, weight, working out, and binging and purging.
I measured my value based on the inches on the measuring tape, the letters on my clothes, and the numbers on the scale.
I measured my self-worth on the severely skewed perceptions of beauty that I held.
The way I viewed myself led me down a lifestyle of numbing my emotions with substances, putting myself in risky situations, and hurting the people I loved most.
My self-hatred kept me blocked off, emotionally numb, and gave me a false sense of control in my life. I became adept at constantly wearing a façade of masks—smearing a smile on my face was second nature to hide the ugliness and shame that I felt in every pore of my body.
And although over the years I have overcome my disordered eating, the battle with self-love continues. I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to silence the constant push and pull from the internal thought patterns and dialogue that goes on in my head.
The one thing that gives me some solace (and sadness) is knowing I am not alone.
Because, no matter your age, gender, race, family make-up, or religion, the majority of us struggle with some sort of skewed self-image, negative self-talk, and self-limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in the perpetual cycle of questioning our worthiness.
Although the stories we tell ourselves based on our personal life experiences, traumas, and joys are unique to us, they are collective to the human experience.
This post is for anyone who looks in the mirror and cringes…
Who cry as they measure their self-worth by the letters on their clothes, the numbers on the scale, or the amount of “likes” they get on social media…
Who judge themselves for the jiggle of their bellies, the cellulite on their legs, or the wrinkles on their face…
Who take out their perceived inadequacies on their bodies, harming it through their method of choice—substances, eating disorders, self-harm, risky behaviors.
This post is for the women who are researching the next fad diet, fretting about the color of their roots, their wrinkles, or their weight as they contemplate spending their savings on cosmetic surgery trying to live up to society’s filtered expectations of how a woman “should” look.
For the men who are measuring their masculinity based on the size of their penis, the look of their muscles, or the hair on their heads.
For the transgendered and Cis community who feel trapped in a body that is not aligned with the essence of their true being.
For the people who refuse to look in a mirror, fearful of what they may see.
For the people who feel like they will never be good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough.
I want you to know: You are beautiful enough. You are good enough. You are worthy enough.
I know if you are reading this right now, you may be skimming over those words thinking “yeah, yeah.”
But slow down and read them again.
You. Are. Beautiful.
You. Are. Good. Enough.
You. Are. Worthy. Enough.
No matter your age, size of your pants, number of dimples or pimples you have. No matter the size of your muscles, the hair on your head or the wrinkles in your skin.
You matter.
Your life matters.
The world needs your essence. Your love. Your personality. Your spirit. Your uniqueness.
In a world where we are inundated with an average of 6,000 to 10,000 advertisements a day telling us how we should look, how we should live our lives, and who we should be, in a world where social media is a filtered lens skewing reality, allowing only glimpses into the realities of others’ lives, it can be easy to add fuel to the fire of self-deprecating thoughts and feelings of unworthiness.
What I learned from my personal struggle with body image, self-hate, and pure distain for every inch of my being, is that self-love is going to look different for everyone, and it is going to take time to undo the decades of self-deprecating self-talk.
But it can be done.
The rise of body-positivity and self-love movement is encouraging, yet it can also leave you feeling as if it is one more thing you are failing at because you just can’t bring yourself to fully embrace those lumps, bumps, tiger stripes, pimples, and dimples just yet.
Through my experience I have found if you start small and give yourself grace and compassion you can start shifting your mindset around how you view yourself. Below are the steps I took in my journey that you may find helpful for your own journey.
Do the deeper work.
Begin to understand how your subconscious mind and self-imposed limiting beliefs from your personal experiences are keeping you stuck. Neuroscience shows us that we can reprogram our subconscious beliefs. Start being the scientist of your life and figure out where these feeling come from so you can start becoming aware of them. The first step in changing any habit/belief is awareness.
Start small.
Focus on the features you love about yourself. The first body part I started liking was my fingernails. Yes, my fingernails. But as I got used to saying I loved my fingernails I moved on to other body parts and kept the snowball going.
View your body as your partner, not your enemy.
This body does so much for you day in and day out. Shift into a perspective of gratitude for all the amazing things it does. Those thighs help you walk, that belly processes nutrients to fuel you, those wrinkles are proof of years of love, life, and wisdom. Start using the holistic healing powers of your breath. Begin partnering with your body on how you can help each other.
Do an inventory of your strengths.
If this is hard for you to do, then reach out to someone you love and ask them to tell you, in writing, what they love about you or see as your strengths. Seriously, this is scary. I get it because I did it. And I am so grateful I did. I reached out to three of my closest friends and family members and asked them what they saw in me. I did this over eight years ago and still have these letters taped in my journal so that I can read in times when I cannot see what they see.
Consciously choose to focus on what gets you excited in life.
It is so easy to waste our valuable time comparing our lives to others, focusing on what we hate about ourselves, or getting stuck in the perpetual cycle of negative self-talk. Instead, consciously choose to chase your curiosity.
Have you ever set intentions for your year or your life? Setting intentions is one of the most powerful tips I adopted when I began my self-love journey, as it allowed me to focus on the bigger picture of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to show up each day, where I wanted my life to go, and what my definition of happiness truly looked like.
Can you imagine how much passion, happiness, and love we would exude into the world if we were able to switch out the time we spend putting ourselves down into building ourselves up?
We would change the world.
You truly are so much more powerful that you know.
About Lora Devries
Lora Devries combines her social work degree with her passion for neuroscience and holistic wellness to support others in empowering themselves to shift their mindset and take control of their lives with practical strategies like learning how to set intentions. Lora lives with her husband and daughter on Vancouver Island, Canada. She is an advocate for mental wellbeing, self-healing, mindfulness and intentional living. You can follow her on her blog, Instagram, Pinterest, Linkedin or Facebook.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am experiencing so much self hatred now because of my age. I always lived my life watching the numbers on my clothes and the scale so I always kept myself in good shape because that’s the only way I felt beautiful. Now that I am 60 years old I can’t look in the mirror because I cringe at how old and out of shape I am which has given me anxiety and depression very bad. I never want to put on my makeup or fix my hair because I feel why bother. Just 10 short years ago my poor husband married a good looking woman who always tried to look her best, to become what I am now. I’m so embarrassed when I see people from my past that I never want to go anywhere anymore. I do wear makeup and fix my hair to go places but I Hate looking in the mirror to get ready to go anywhere because who I see in the mirror is very depressing. I really don’t know how to get better. I enjoyed reading your story because it made me feel not so much alone in my self hatred.
Well put Lora! Thank you! You. Are. Beautiful! Finally, after 54 years, I’ve learned to recognize that negative voice inside me as a scared little girl and I give her a hug. We ARE good enough, just AS WE ARE and realizing that we are constantly being bombarded and manipulated by advertising is a good start to having a kinder self- image. Self improvement is fine, but self degradation is being your own worst enemy.
Blessings to you and thanks for sharing 💜
It’s not so much that I hate what I see in the mirror. It’s that I am surrounded by people and messages that constantly reinforce the fact that I am fat, ugly, old, sick, unemployed, useless, a waste of resources, and disgusting (ever try to sit on a plane when you weigh more than 250 lbs? You are treated like you are poison… not just worthless, but actively despised). I’d be happy if I could just be treated neutrally… then I could try to figure out a way to like myself. But as it is now, I can’t imagine any way to mentally overcome those constant and endless reminders that the world around me hates and is repulsed by me. How could they ALL be wrong? I just don’t know how to delude myself on that scale.
Dear Lora, thank you for writing this. it brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throath. I used to feel so ugly that I seldom bought clothes in a store. The rare times I tried something on in the fashion shop made me look in the mirror, cringe, hurry to change back into my own and flee. Too tall, my legs too long, my hips too wide, , no breasts to speak of and my feet too big. I was an alien. I did not belong to the human race. I would never be loved or accepted as such. And the worst thing was that I never talked about it in all the therapies I did for depression. Until at 53 I met a therapist in Spain and worked with him on a long term basis. There I finally realized how human I was and how deserving of compassion in all my longing for love, in all my weaknesses and failures. Ten years later I do not have a model life now, but I am much more my own friend than I ever was. And especially that step you write about, to see your body as your partner, I find inspiring. I am getting older and my body wears out. Still I thank it for serving me and helping me to be here for so long. Bless you Lora for writing about this and being so honest and open. And bless everybody who is struggling with this. Please remember, there is much more love than you can imagine. Hell is much more in your own head than in the world outside, and there are as many solutions as there are people. To each of us, welcome here:-)))
Hi Lora, I don’t really know what to comment in a as honest manner or truthfully thought. I don’t really wanna use triggering words either. I have read messages from both “sides of the media” and it pretty much messed up my entire lifestyle and mentality. I appreciate that you took time to write and share your thoughts with us. Thank you and Appreciation is the least I can share. Take care, Lora.
Eljae,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I absolutely love, love, love you have “learned to recognize that negative voice inside me as a scared little girl and I give her a hug”. This is such a powerful way of looking at it. Thank you for sharing! -Lora
Thank you Mike for sharing so thoughtfully. I hope you are able to find some clarity in sifting through all the media messages and figure out what works for you. I appreciate your message and kind words. Thank you. – Lora
That’s THEIR problem not yours. Your responsibility is to live in a way which makes YOU healthy and happy which does not include living up to some preconceived ideas of what narrow outlook others think you should be.
Thank you so much for sharing and being vulnerable Stacey. I think the first step is the awareness that you are struggling. The next step is making the conscious decision that you want to learn how to love yourself, or if loving yourself feels too far off at this point, the decision to start accepting yourself. By reading articles like this you are taking the right steps. I find journal prompts and journaling things out also helps to shift mindsets and self limiting beliefs. The road to loving and accepting ourselves is not easy…. but it can be done. There is soo much more to us than our external selves and when we begin to let go constantly putting ourselves down and focus on stuff that gets us excited – we create so much more happiness in our lives. Sending positive thoughts you way. – Lora
Hi Trudie,
Thank you so very much for this thoughtful post, sharing your story and how you have learned to be a better friend to yourself. I can definitely relate with the changing room story…
I am so happy your therapist in Spain explored this with you and you recognized your true worth – this is amazing and so inspiring.
And I could not agree more with your comment that “hell is much more in your own head than in the world outside”. Our minds are oh-so-powerful and once we can learn to tame the thoughts, understand why they are there and learn to shift them – then we can begin to heal.
We truly are to much more powerful than we know.
Sending positive thoughts your way – Lora
Hi Klsabin,
Your message broke my heart. People can be cruel. And I agree with Sianelweis that it is their problem not yours….. but can appreciate it must be very difficult when you get such negative responses from others.
I do not know your individual situation, and can’t pretend to have the answer – but what I have learned over the years is that we can only control our thoughts and responses. By shifting our focus to building ourselves up and doing the internal work on ourselves – that is all we can control. I know this doesn’t solve the greater problem of discrimination but it is a starting point to begin recognizing your worth and beginning your self empowerment journey.
Sending positive thoughts your way – Lora