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Finding What We’re Missing: Our Lives Are Already Complete

Searching

“Each day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” ~Basho

What does family mean? Is it the people whose genes you share? Is it the people that you grew up with? Is it the people who love you unconditionally in spite of your faults and flaws?

Family for me has been an evolving idea. I was adopted from Seoul, Korea when I was four months old. After a few months in an orphanage, family started off simply as the people I grew up with.

Raised in South Central Pennsylvania with a Caucasian family in an area where diversity was lacking, to say the least, I remember receiving looks from some people when my older sister introduced me as her baby sister. They would tilt their heads to the side and say, “Are you sure?”

Adding insult to injury, my adopted mother passed away when I was thirteen after years of complicated health issues. She was the most vocal about how much she loved me, wanted me, and protected me when she caught anyone directing their fearful insecurities my way.

Losing her was one of the most difficult experiences I’ve ever had to deal with. Losing my best friend after a cliff diving accident in college was the next. The two people who embodied family and home for me were gone.

I spent many years angry, bitter, and confused as to why my biological family gave me away only for me to land in a family where I would experience a death nearly every other year from the time I was five years old, along with many other traumas and heartbreaks.

During middle school, I had determined it was necessary for me to see the files the adoption agency sent with me when my parents adopted me. To this day, I can’t tell you why I did it. I suppose even at that age I knew I needed some way to find a sense of belonging somewhere.

Those files told me that the reason for relinquishment was that my family “couldn’t afford to have the baby abort.”

It was shocking to know that I had two older sisters, and their decision to give me away was the end result of not having the money to wipe me out. It wasn’t until a decade later that I would find the heart of the truth to the story.

While I was in college, I decided to contact the adoption agency to attempt to find my family. I expected the agency to come back and say that they couldn’t find them, they died, or they didn’t want to be found.

I never thought I’d receive a three-page letter written by my father a few days after I was born with the expectation that I would one day come looking for them.

I was in shock. There had never been any intention to abort me. My father had written that they wanted me to be sent to a place where I would know I didn’t belong; they wanted me to find them. When it all sank in, I was angry.

I spent so many years struggling to belong, and here these people had intentionally orchestrated this so that I would find them to help assuage their guilt for giving their child away.

My father and I exchanged a few short letters and emails, but communications slowly tapered off for quite some time. Not being able to speak each other’s language added extra weight to all that needed to be said, but could find no outlet.

Another ten years later, I felt the urge to reconnect (again), so I found a translator to make communication easier, sent my father an email, and now my father and I are addressing some of the heart ache on both ends.

What are the lessons from all of this displacement and heartache?

So often we get tied up in believing that one day we will find that magical person or place that will give us a sense of belonging, but I’ve long since abandoned that idea.

I’ve learned that there is no “arriving” because every day is a new adventure, and each moment brings its own tiny revelations of what family, home, and belonging mean.

We don’t get to choose what family we’re born into, or in my case, what family we’re adopted into, but we do get to choose how we see each situation.

Through my search for home, I’ve only just begun to learn that life itself is home. Every person we meet, every place we go, every encounter we have holds a lesson, a piece of the puzzle—a piece of ourselves—that shapes and reflects who we are.

We don’t always get to pick who and what we encounter, but we can decide how it will affect our lives.

When we stop expecting our lives to be a certain way, we find that there is nothing missing, even when it seems as though we’ve missed out on what so many others have had. Their stories are not our own.

Our lives are as complete as we want to see them.

In the midst of opening communications with my biological family, I am finding that home is not the idea I originally held. It is in the people I grew up with. It is in the people whose DNA I carry. It is in each person who has loved me and every person I have loved. It is in every place that has taken my breath away.

Home is in each moment I’ve remembered to be grateful for every step of my journey.

Photo by New Brunswick Tourism

About Haiku Kwon

Haiku Kwon is an avid wanderluster who has been a barista, bartender, logistics specialist, yoga instructor, and counselor in her different lives that have taken her all over the world. She has yet to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up. You can follow her story at Life's A Risk... And I'm All In. She would love to connect with you on Facebook or Twitter.

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Vincent Nguyen

That was an amazing and heartjerking story, Haiku. Thank you so much for finding the strength to share it with us. I can’t imagine all the emotions you had to face when you lost those you cared about as well as the feelings that must have surfaced from the events after that. I’m simply amazed that you found such a valuable lesson from all of this. Your mindset is definitely a great one and I hope it serves you well in the future. Thanks again.

Joey Fortman

Wow. What a beautiful story. Thanks for the message….

Alexey Sky

Thank you for sharing, Ms. Kwon 🙂

Trish MacDonald

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! It hit close to home for me. I was adopted from Seoul at 4 months and grew up in NJ. My parents divorced when I was younger and it effected me in a way that it became difficult for me to learn who I was. I’m in my early 30s now, married, and much closer with my parents and siblings. And I am just starting to really get into the depths of self-exploration and being comfortable where I’m at. This is good advice and I appreciate your perspective. It’s going to help me be more mindful about what I have, so thank you!

Joanna Jot

love the last sentence! 🙂

Joan Harrison

Haiku, I cannot imagine how all of those experiences have been for you. I admire that you are able to now reflect and make some sense of the world you have grown up in, understanding is the first step to living a more peaceful existence. Sending you peace and love…

Haiku

Thank you for reading Vincent- it took me years to finally put something out there. I was always too afraid and hesitant, but I decided one day it was time to get over myself and reach out. Our connections with each other are SO important, and I’m finding out just how amazing our lives can be when we allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable with each other.

Haiku

Thanks for reading 🙂

Haiku

Thanks for receiving, Mr. Sky 😉

Haiku

Hi Trish- thank you for reading and responding. It helps so much to have connections with others who can share our stories. I would love to stay in touch if you’re interested in sharing the journey.

Haiku

<3 🙂

Haiku

Hi Joan, it has taken years to work through my anger and frustration, but I feel incredibly lucky to have the life I have… I’ve been able to work with people from all different walks of life because of the experiences I’ve had. I never would have known what an absolute blessing my heartbreaks would become. Thank you for your kind words.

Milan

Thank you , haiku for sharing , when i read this i cried , because i am also facing many problems like this

Haiku

Hi Milan- please feel free to stay in touch with me. In my own journey, I’ve found it helps so much to be able to share experiences with others… love and light~

Kathy www.yinyangmother.com

Haiku – I am so sorry to hear of the tragedies you have had in your life and of your heartache in searching for a sense of belonging. I’m an adoptive Mum to two great kids from China. Sadly the circumstances will probably make it unlikely that they’ll ever be able to connect with their parents or family in China. I really love the essense of the understanding that you have come to that our lives are as complete as we choose to see them – that we find belonging in choosing to see connection with all who come into our lives. I wrote a post for Tiny Buddha in December called – We belong when we connect – very much along the lines of looking for what unites us, not what sets us apart. All the best…kathy

Haiku

Hi Kathy- my adopted brother has a similar situation, he’s unable to connect with his birth mother as well. My own story continues to have very strange twists and turns the more I find out… Thank you for reading and for writing. Warmest regards to you and your babies. 🙂

lv2terp

Thank you for being vulnerable, and sharing your story!!! The wisdom learned from your experience/life is invaluable, and beautiful! Thank you for sharing such a powerful message!!! 🙂 A wonderful post!

Haiku

It took me a lot of years to see it as beautiful, but now I feel so blessed to have the life I do. Thank you for your encouragement 🙂

Kevin LaCoste

Wow, I admire the honesty of your story. Thank you for sharing.

karnit_1

You present a very beautiful idea and with so much wisdom in your last line – “Home is in each moment I’ve remembered to be grateful for every step of my journey.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard a clearer example of the power of gratefulness than in you and your story. Your writing style is a joy to experience – you are very talented! Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring story.

Haiku

Thank you for taking the time to read it and leave a note. I feel so humbled by all of the responses…

Haiku

Thank you for reading 🙂

gooseberry

🙂