“Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe
Whether we’re processing disappointment or a tragedy, heartache can seem irrevocable, as if our entire existence has been nuked into bleak devastation.
While it can be hard to consider the possibility that these barren circumstances could be necessary, or fruitful, heartbreak can show us a great inner strength that exists in unsuspecting, subtle ways.
I was never the kind of person who was convinced that consuming, true love was real. (You know, the kind that Celine Dion sings about.) Yet, that is exactly where I found myself when I met a man who had a set of traits that I had only dreamed of.
And when it abruptly ended, with no explanation, I was devastated and bewildered. Now on the other side, these are the things I would have said to the girl laying on the pitch-black bathroom floor when she was drowning in questions about faith and forgiveness.
Every activity is an act of strength when you’re struggling.
Every time you get out of bed, go to a yoga class, or just do the dishes is a strong initiative of willpower because you’re pushing forward with your life, household, and health. You may still feel depressed, but it’s in these small measures that you’re seeding something wholesome for your present and future.
Be proud you took a risk.
While the destination may not be the oasis you’d envisioned, you have to remember why you set out on the journey.
You took a chance by opening up to someone or attempting a new endeavor. It takes a great deal of courage to venture into an exploration of the precarious unknown, and you have to give yourself praise for making an effort.
Move with the emotion.
Sorrow can feel like a suffocating place of confinement. Yet trying to power through and forcing yourself to get over what you’re feeling is an act of denial. Our sentiments are a part of us and they can’t be amputated on command. Honor this part of yourself and try to progress with it in tow.
Accept your choices.
We can incessantly pick at the “should haves” and “would haves,” but your inner GPS chose a route based on the information you had at the time. You couldn’t have done anything different. When you can fully embrace this, it is an act of forgiveness to yourself, because you stop questioning your capabilities. Everything you did was as it was supposed to be.
Stay present.
The monkey mind wants to pick at the past and guess about the future. It takes work, but when you can fully focus on the details of the present moment, the questions and concerns will subside. You can do this by taking notice of your senses in your immediate surroundings—the taste, smell, touch, and of course your breath.
Just like any fitness routine, it takes practice. Don’t be bothered by the number of times you have to re-center your thoughts; just keep doing it.
Look for beauty.
Whether you go to a museum, a botanical garden, or just enjoy a sunset, seek out the aesthetic that you find pleasing. Doing so will allow you to reconnect with a part of your true self. It can also be a soothing reminder that there are other amazing things in life beyond your distressed situation.
Ask for company.
Some cultures teach us to shoulder our own burdens. And as such, you may want to lock yourself away in isolation because you may not want to reveal your state of affairs or you don’t want to trouble anyone else. But if you’re really feeling lonely, reach out to family member or a friend.
You probably feel fragile in this vulnerable condition, but showing up with an affliction allows others to know you on a more genuine level, and it also may reveal a greater depth of their own. Even when you feel broken, other relationships can form and even grow.
—
Getting through heartache can be incredibly difficult. Give yourself what you need to let your healing unfold day by day, without judgment for the method or self-care that you choose.
You can’t predict how long the process will take, but there will come a time when the pain and anguish will diminish. You’ll get there…
Broken heart image via Shutterstock
About Jenn Kashiwa
Jenn is a freelance writer, yogi, and pop-culture enthusiast. She writes about her lessons on learning to live more consciously, wholly, and lovingly on her website.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Jenn 🙂
You’ve listed some great points.
I was in the same situation in the past.
What worked for me was that despite of all the disappointments and pain, I could still see that there were other important areas in life that were equally important, if not more (career, health, family etc). And that got me moving on, even though I didn’t want to.
As u mention, it is pretty natural to “feel depressed” and keep moving forward. One day at a time.
I think there also occurs a gap between the mind and the heart. At times, when we’re emotionally stable, the mind will clearly shows why moving on is a great idea and we should work on other important stuff. One may even feel motivated. And then there are those moments where “we slip emotionally” and get back to that sad pattern.
But no matter how much we slip, it is essential to pick our self one more time and try again to be okay.
here ìs the way you can fill-up Your bank-account With added cash weekly. Check my profile for more information
This is exactly where I am today. The gap between the mind and heart. My mind says this person is not a good match for me, but my heart says I still want you, want to be near you, to speak to you…etc. I know it’ll subside by tomorrow morning. If it doesn’t, then by the next day.
Hey Ann.
Have you read Eckhart Tolle??
There’s a great line…
“If you feel great pain in the current situation, ask yourself this question… Can I change this situation? If yes, then take the action that’ll change it. If there’s is nothing that’ll change the situation, then surrender to the current moment… There’s great power in surrendering to the present moment.”
🙂
Thank you for this. Am going to keep it open in the browser and go back to it. I went through a situation with someone I met in a 12-step group, my fault I allowed it to happen. Emotional abuse…all kinds of terrible things. It has taken forever to recover and still not always present. But you pointed out something important. For a long time I just tried to keep busy to forget, but now I sit with the feeling when it comes up (like when I saw the person yesterday) but most important, meditate, meditate, meditate. The memories, the visions, all that stuff is from back then, but to be present and with what is and the higher power is the thing. Now. Life happens now. Love happens now. Self love happens now. So now, instead of getting into desperation and despair, I try to come back to now, what is, and especially to overcome any negativity inside of me…get back to love because that is what saves us. Don’t care much about the other person, but learning to care about ourselves is the thing.
I love the timing of this article…a dear friend needs this right now….thanks for the spiritual gift of timing.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing! Hope it helps your friend…
Thanks Nancy!
Is it a good idea to share this post with someone we are breaking up with?
HA! Ummm…maybe after you breakup would be better? Good luck…
Hmm.. Cannot vocalize the feeling..
I remember being in the same situation in the past. My heart broke when my ex-boyfriend dumped me for someone else, and didn’t bother giving me an explanation. Although I found out the truth the HARD way, his actions prove that he was nothing but a coward, and I don’t respect him. I haven’t forgiven him for mistreating me, and to this day, I’ll NEVER forgive him. I feel that I shouldn’t have to, since it was obvious that everything is sugar coated, according to him. Adults accept and take full responsibility for their actions, and use their experience as a lesson-learned. My ex-boyfriend isn’t one of them.
I knew that Karma was going to catch up with him eventually. I was told by a former mutual friend that he went to jail for physically abusing his girlfriend. Everyday, I’m thankful for NOT being a victim of domestic violence. He slept with a teen aged girl, who ended up pregnant. He was NEVER a married man, loves attention, and of course, wanted to commit suicide if things didn’t go his way! His behavior is extremely atrocious and childish to me, which I find very comical. If he ever committed suicide, I wouldn’t miss him. Worse of all, I don’t have anything nice to say about him.
What kept me going was to continue to keep using my ex-boyfriend as an example of what’s to be expected from relationships. I believe that respect goes BOTH ways, along with honesty, trust, support and compassion.
Thank you, Jenn, for sharing your experience.
These are spot-on! Three years ago I was suddenly dumped by my husband, who I’d been with over 25 years. It still takes me a conscious effort to do these things every day. The toughest is redirecting my thoughts from ruminating about the break-up; it feels like a CONSTANT effort.
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for relating to the piece! Just keep practicing…it is a constant effort. 🙂
Thanks, Jenn, for a great article.
Healing a break-up with a loved person is like healing cancer. Best option is to prevent it – develop in yourself a sincere relationship style. This is similar to eating healthy foods, having parents with no susceptibility to cancer and staying away from radiation sources.
But let’s suppose it didn’t help.
Second-best option: The person faces the verdict of a doctor – benignant tumor. Then you can do some chemotherapy and other regular treatments. The methods suggested in the article fall into this category. In cases like these it does make sense to consult specialists and read psychology books.
For some people, regular cancer treatment works. Congratulations to them.
For others it doesn’t. They end up with metastases all over their body and an ultimatum: either you invent your own way of curing love cancer, or you’ll die – slowly and painfully – in a matter of weeks.
Nobody can help you (they tried and failed in the preceding phase), you have to do it yourself. On the flipside: Contrary to doctors, who can only prescribe you tested and certified medications, you can do anything since you aren’t bound by any regulations. Heck, if you wish you could cut out the tumours with a Stanley knife in your bath, like Dr. House did. If it helps…
When everything else failed (only then!), you may consider the nuclear option. Below you can find my recipe for dealing with break-up in case there is empirical proof that the lost person, indeed, was your true, one-in-8-billion love (evidence of true love: you don’t fall in love with anyone after years of break-up, you systematically turn down potential lovers, who are better than the break-upee in every measurable respect, you can transmute unrequited love into hard work).
Once again: This is something you may do, if any other, normal, accepted methods you put your hands on, failed.
1) Kill the enemy #1
There is a Russian proverb “Hope is the last to die”. Regular people say “aw!” because they are so touched by it. They think hope is something positive.
Well, why does hope die last? Because before it dies, it kills everyone else.
So the first step in coping with a break-up with your (alleged) true love is this: Kill the hope, before it kills you.
*) Accept the fact that the love of your life is gone.
*) Accept the fact that any other woman you will encounter will be worse than the one you lost, even if they are better on the outside (better looks, more intelligent, reciprocate your love, healthy, aren’t drug addicts, aren’t prostitutes etc.).
*) Accept the fact that you won’t settle for anyone less.
There will be a lot of crying and sobbing at this stage. That’s OK, as long as you don’t do anything particularly stupid (like drugs or suicide attempts).
If life-threatening thoughts cross your mind, picture yourself doing that stupid thing and then your worst enemies tap-dancing on your grave. Or: Your lost love having sex on your grave and laughing at you with her other man. Or with with 10 other men, or with her harem of 100 men (all of them better than you, tall, Tesla-driving MBAs with an internal value with a diameter of 30 centimeters).
You won’t give her a chance to do that, right? That’s a good reason not to hurt yourself!
2) Expand your love
When hope is put into her place and you are calm, it’s time to debunk another myth: Two-person love is the most valuable asset in the world.
It’s wrong.
If two people truly love each other, and this love doesn’t affect anyone else, it’s consumerist and there won’t be any super-natural true love effects.
A 2-person love isn’t really love. It may be a relationship, it may be a fun activity, but there is no spiritual depth to it.
True love starts, when people are affected by the love of those 2 lovers.
The most obvious example are children. Raising a healthy (physically, mentally and spiritually) person is a challenging task (by which the couple grows) and the ultimate creative, god-like act. Kids are a big deal!
If you are at this stage (the terminal one), giving birth to your own children is out of question (because your true love is gone and you won’t settle, remember?).
There are lot of other options to expand your love:
2.1) You may not have any kids of your own, but you can still find some smart child next door, who can use some inspiration. Or several of them.
2.2) Find a cause, which is as important to you, as the true love you lost.
The point is to find something, which make the loss of your true love worthwhile.
For example, imagine Mephistopheles coming to you and offering you following deal: He takes your ability to form romantic relationships and in exchange gives you the superpower of world peace. If you accept the deal, you will never ever have any lover, but all the wars will end and the humanity will live in peace.
I don’t know about you, but I would accept such deal without second thought.
You need to find something like that on your own.
3) Use your competitive advantage
Once you have found a purpose to live for, it’s time to get maximum advantage out of your broken heart. Some examples:
3.1) Creative boost
Eminem was raised by a drug addict. Fedor Dostoyevskiy was sentenced to death, paroled on the scaffold and traumatized for the rest of his life by that near-death experience. Leo Tolstoy had terrible love life. Miguel de Cervantes lost one of his arms in a battle. Mark “Eels” Everett grew up with a father, who almost never talked to him, and then most of his relatives died.
You see the pattern?
Most creative people seem to be traumatized in some way. Of course, it takes a lot of spiritual work to transform pain to creativity, but you’ll have plenty of time because…
3.2) No partner means more time
Let’s calculate the opportunity cost of a relationship. Opportunity cost are the things you lose by having a relationship. Conversely, these are the things you can gain by not having a relationship.
Assume that every business day (Monday through Friday), you spend 2 hours with your partner. That’s 2 hours * 5 days = 10 hours per week.
Let’s further assume that you spend all of the weekends with him or her. These are 8 hours each day, which gives us 8 hours * 2 days = 16 hours per week.
Total amount of time spent on a relationship is then 26 hours per week (10 during business days, 16 on Saturday and Sunday) or 104 hours per month or 1248 hours per year.
As we figured out, you don’t have a relationship now and you won’t have one in the future. This means that those additional 104 hours are yours now!
Imagine, you work 40 hours week. 26 additional hours are 65 % of your normal work time (more than half). If you took that additional time and invested it into work on your life mission (step 2 above), couldn’t you actually implement it? At least partially? And wouldn’t that work on what’s important to you fill you with no-BS positive emotions?
3.3) Concentration/Focus
A big enemy of mankind is lack of concentration. Often talented people don’t achieve the success they deserve because they pursue lots of little distractions instead of chasing a few big dreams.
When a person has lost his or her true love, it’s like being put into a single-person cell. There isn’t much you can do in there. In fact, the ONLY thing you can spend your time on is that life mission you discovered in step 2. This gives you another productivity boost that normal people with healthy relationships don’t have.
when you have some free time use ít to brìng in a little extra money online. look at the hyperlínk lísted on my profile for more ìnformation
Just wanted to say thank you, because everything that you have been written about, I can relate, and now I am at peace. Please keep writing, I love everything about these blogs
Hello Ankit,
I am not familiar with Eckhart Tolle. Thank you for the wonderful quote. I think surrender is definitely helpful in reducing the anxiety that comes from not being in control.
Hi Jenn love your story. I decided to leave my marriage of 28 years and unfortunately found out my friends and family chose to not be there for me. But that would never ever make me want to stay. I decided my life was too important to keep giving it away and I owed it myself to take my power back and own it again.It’s been really hard trying to get through and every day I try to stay strong and positive to cope. I acknowledge where I am and what I am going through and know eventually life will be happy again. I do little things which make me happy to give me the energy and strength to keep moving during this separation transition. But the biggest gift I have given myself is hope for a better life and future and that keeps me moving every day. No matter what!
Yes Anne.
Surrender reminds us to let go of our need to control. The unnecessary luggage we carry in our minds.
As simple as it sounds, it is challenging to practice it. But we must remember.
“To be is to do.” – Socrates
P.S.
I highly recommend reading THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. In my opinion, it should be a big help in bridging the gap between heart and mind.
Yes, it is very challenging to practice. I will look into the book as I am still reading many other books. Does it help you focus on the present rather than past or future?
Hi again Anne.
That is EXACTLY WHAT THIS BOOK DOES. Helping you to focus on the present. In fact, I don’t know a book better suited for this purpose than this one.
It is not like a traditional book where you read through once and simply get to “know” the ideas.
When you read this special book, you’ll have to pause every now and then, ponder on what is being said and (most importantly) EXPERIENCE the true beauty around.
The experience during my first read left me feeling a “lightness and joy” within me that I had never known earlier.
You’ll begin to notice the cool breeze feels good against your face. The smell, the sounds, the SPACE, everything becomes alive.
You really come into the present moment.
Just go for it.
Hello Ankit,
I will definitely look into it, thank you so much. Sounds wonderful.
Hi, I’m 18 now, I met a girl accidently or it was meant to happen because I kinda felt it happening before hand (gut feeling). (Last year Jan)
So we got to know each other it turned into a relationship and so on. We we were best friends and we told each other about our past. She had been through a lot. A guy who used to like her, liked 2 girls at the same time and she got dumped and it turned into a bitch fight because the other girl was also a friend of hers. So at the same time, her mother told her that her mother and father are seperatedS and pretended to be together until she was at an age which she could understand the divorce.So when both of those things combined she was obviously devastated and she started getting trust issues. So she told me all of that and I also was there for whenever she needed me and it was a happy relationship. But when we spoke about our ex’s and what we had done and all I told her that I’ve been in a relationship before and I’ve caressed and all that but I never told her that I’ve gotten a blowjob and it was that intimate. But at that time she asked me if I’m not telling her anything thinking that she might freak out about me. But I said no because it was really uncomfortable for me to tell her that. So then we were happy the relationship continued I asked her out, and it grew we were about 1 year into the relationship. But last month I just couldn’t resist hiding anything from her, she always loved me and she was always honest with me, she trusted me 100% but I couldn’t lie to her because I loved her, I told her about the blowjob with my ex and stuff, she was shocked and she was hurt.She was really upset that I hid something from her. Then she made up her mind, her preception about me changed and she decided that we’re done and that I should move on. It hurt me so much, I realized that I had made a big mistake and I tried explaining to her, I was genuinely sorry for what I did. But she is independent, smart and I know that she’d never change her principles. But I always felt that she’s the one, cause everything about her I always got a gut feeling and ironically the first time I met her was at a trip organized for her by her parents to tell her that they’re seperated. I was always genuinely happy with her. I love her so much, it’s so hard for me to let go cause deep down inside something tells me that she’s the one, but I also know that she’s very independent and she won’t change her policies just like that. Also when she first started going out with me her mom advised her that serious relationships at this age won’t work. And her mom also told her that anyone who lies to their parents will eventually lie to their partners. My gf knew that I lie to my parents. So all in all she said that she can’t give me another chance and she might sound rude and selfish but she doesn’t need to put up with all this, she’s not married to me or anything, so she was like she cbb and I should move on. I was also an idiot I also spoke to her too much about sex and stuff when we were going out, she was a strictly no premarital sex kinda girl and now I realize that she put up with all that because she truly loved me, but now it got me thinking if I only had lust for her, but I know deep down inside I truly love her and she’s the one. This affected me a lot, I turned vegetarian and I started living by the 5 precepts, I do daily meditation, I don’t watch porn or jerk off anymore, I’m honest with myself and everyone, but still I love her dearly, I feel like she’s the one because she’s everything I dreamt about a perfect girlfriend before I met her, I wanted a girl a few months older than me, really smarter than me and good grades and stuff, whose pretty, honest and independent, she turned out to be everything I dreamt of and Idk what to do, all I know is that I feel like I lost her but my life changed a lot, I’m a Buddhist by birth but I never truly lived by the 5 precepts, I drank, I’ve lied and I eat meat but this changed me and I became more religious like I mentioned earlier, I realized that my past karma led me here and her karma also should’ve obviously made her go through all that. But now whenever I talk to her she’s not that interested but she’s like a normal friend but we(mostly she) behave like acquaintances, I never met her after the break up and I’m planning on meeting her and tell her how I truly feel but I know she’s very independent and she sounds like she’s moved on, the way she talks on the phone and even when we whatsapp, sadly we broke via whatsapp it sucks, it took her one day after I told her about the incident to tell me that she doesn’t feel like continuing this because how her perception about me changed. But I always feel like she’s the one and letting go is so hard. She knows that I went veg and I changed and stuff, she’s like I’m happy for you and all that that’s it :/
It hurts to let go because I love her, I’ve been reading about letting go and Buddha’s teachings but it’s hard….. I hope I’ll eventually let go, because I’m doing meditation
🙂
How Can I be healed if I didn’t give myself time to grieve and be sad ..?
I thought I am strong to not let this pain take me down.. now this pain still inside me ..
tears are trapped in my eyes, don’t want to come out now..
I didn’t follow those steps right.. because I didn’t knew there are steps to heal the heart ..
now I feel I’m all lost between what I should be doing and what I have done to myself..
I didn’t live in pain , or in past, I didn’t punish myself or feel pity .. I just feel so much pain inside me
would you help me by telling me what should I do please?
I am in the process of reading one of his book named, The power of now. I am so amazed at the things i have come to realize about my inner self. This is a great go-to book when we all experience downfalls, heartbreaks, and simply hings we dont understand form life and our own bodys.
Hi All,
Recently i had breakup with my girlfirend.She also loves me.But she told that she can’t marry me as his father has fixed her marriage with another guy and she can’t go against her father’s reputation among his friends and she choosed that option rather than me.After discussing a lot with her she was telling “is the end of Love is only marriage?” i didn’t have any answer that time nor now.I am feeling really hurt and can forget her.What shall i do now ? Shall i forget her completely or Shall i keep in touch with her and expecting some miracle ? Please help me ..i really need a suggestion…it’s painful.
Hi Jenn 🙂 ,
Recently i had breakup with my girlfirend.She also loves me.But she told that she can’t marry me as his father has fixed her marriage with another guy and she can’t go against her father’s reputation among his friends and she has choosen that option rather than me.After discussing a lot with her she was telling “is the end of Love is only marriage?” i didn’t have any answer that time nor now.I am feeling really hurt and can’t forget her.What shall i do now ? Shall i try to forget her completely or Shall i keep in touch with her and expecting some miracle ? Please help me ..i really need a suggestion…it’s much painful.
Hi Jenn,
I am glad that I found your article and I feel like it really could help me from letting go of this one guy. The problem is that, deep inside I still have that hope that there’s this possibility that we could be together and I am afraid that even if I could move on, just one glance from him will make me fall again.
This heartbreak makes me want to go back to the past and undo the first time that I ever admitted that I like him.