“Even in the loneliest moments I have been there for myself.” ~Sanober Khan
My life coach once suggested I give myself the love I needed, which saddened me profoundly. Was that not supposed to be the job of “the love of my life,” whom I would find one day? In fact, I had not met anyone who completely gave up on the idea of finding love, no matter how long they had been single.
Why though?
I myself was happily single for years and yet deep down, there was still that expectation of finding love one day.
Recollecting my moments of loneliness and longing, I came to a rather selfish conclusion—it would have been so much easier to deal with my life problems and negative bouts of emotions if I had had someone that could make me believe “all is okay as long as we have each other.”
I felt alone all my life—in my family, among friends, and even in the long-term relationship I once had. That was probably why I always secretly yearned for that special someone who would understand me at the deepest level and love me the way I would like to be loved. Someone who would take away my loneliness…
I knew love was also about the joy of giving and being there for another person. However, my need for love was ultimately a desire for support and assurance. After all, being single never bothered me when life felt great in every way!
It suddenly struck me, what if I went through the rest of my life never meeting this perfect someone? Could I somehow give myself the support and assurance needed?
Finding love was an exhausted topic. However, while the concept of love was broad, when it came to finding love, people almost exclusively meant love for and from another being. When we felt the desire for love, we therefore naturally sought it out of ourselves.
What if, by finding enough love from within, we no longer felt the need for that special someone?
Empowering, but scary, I found.
It was easier to ignore my problems believing that the solutions to them were already out there in the form of this great love that I, like most people, would eventually find.
It was comforting to think that once this love was found, life would suddenly become better without me having to work anything out. The perfect partner would halve the weight of my life responsibilities, take away my moments of fears, and increase my happiness tenfold—so I hoped.
If I stopped counting on that special person to “fix” my life, I alone would become the solution to all my problems. And that was not exactly a comfortable thought. As Erica Jong put it, “Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame!”
The hope for a magical solution someday took away the pressure of this moment, but with it went the power to impact my own life today. Rather than the perfect man, what I really needed was courage to face my own life’s struggles, I finally decided.
Then, as if to test my resolve to find love and courage from within, life threw me a month of inner turmoil. My fears, doubt, and confusion were so consuming that for weeks I felt physically weak.
I had given myself twelve months to freely learn and develop, taking the risks I would not have considered in my previous corporate life. In the spirit of embracing the unknown, I had been going wherever passion and opportunities took me. It had been a wonderful journey but now that the “allocated” time ran out, my sense of identity came into question.
What if I did not have what it took to build a career on my own terms? What if the impact I wanted to make in the world was no more than an indulgent dream? Did I just let my ego take over when rejecting outright the idea of going back to full-time employment? Had I abandoned my responsibilities to myself and my family in this heady place of living a passion?
Alone in what seemed like a fight for sanity, I desperately searched for a way to give myself the support needed.
I knew that while my feelings were associated with unresolved problems, I could feel differently without anything being resolved.
The emotions were a result of me being caught in a spiral of destructive thoughts and perceptions. If I could somehow shift my focus away from being “a failure with no future” and inhabit a new perspective on my current situation, I would be relieved of the overwhelming feelings.
However, there was no good forcing positive thoughts through because my emotions had by then become a physical felt sense that would just stay there in my body even when my mind was far from my worries.
Every day went by with me increasingly aware of something heavy constantly choking my throat and pressing down on my heart. Tears would stream out in random moments for no apparent reason.
It was in that state that I attended a session called kindfulness—mindfulness practice with kindness. When I mentioned to the teacher about my usual problem of being distracted by thoughts in meditation and my fear of being even more aware of my heavy feeling while focusing on the present moment, I was told to welcome and be with whatever came.
As I turned my attention to what was happening around me and within me, I was acutely aware of my distracting negative thoughts and that heavy felt sense. However, I was also drawn to the soothing sight of leaves shimmering in the breeze under the sun outside. Just like that, my focus swiftly and freely moved from one thing to another.
For ten minutes, I sat there observing and accepting. Unlike with my other attempts to meditate, I for once did not mind the fact that I was doing it badly.
To my amazement, my heavy felt sense virtually disappeared after the session. Just to make sure I was not fooling myself, I turned my mind to the unsolved issues. They were still there, only, I no longer felt them the way I had.
I realized that it was probably the first time I gave myself a gesture of gentle kindness. There were no must, should, need to in those ten minutes. Neither was there a familiar inner voice telling me that this quiet time was a rare treat and I would have to work hard to earn it again. Like a true friend, I simply gave myself the tenderness of acceptance and companionship.
So it was by chance on a random Sunday afternoon that I found the love I needed—not in the courage that I had thought I would have to build, but in the softness of newly-found kindness for myself.
When I drift into thoughts of being in a relationship these days, I find that my former neediness has now been replaced by simple curiosity. Without expectations of support and assurance from a partner, I wonder what my new experience of romance would be like. I find myself smiling mischievously at the thought.
When destructive emotions take over, we are often overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness that sends us looking for support in others.
It is great when such external support can be found in a loved one, but it is also immensely liberating to know that with a little self-compassion, you alone can be the solution to what seems like your greatest struggle. After all, as it is often said, we cannot expect from others what we cannot give ourselves.
Find love image via Shutterstock

About Chi Phan
As a transformational coach, Chi empowers people who feel stifled by mainstream thinking to create success their ways. She also helps businesses engage their audience more effectively with clarity of vision and storytelling. Chi brings a unique expressive energy and a passion for authenticity to her work.
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This article is EVERYTHING! Thank you for this. I can relate 100%. Glad to know I am not alone.
Thank you for your comment. I also get immense comfort from knowing that I am not alone. Self-compassion has been the main source of support for me since this realisation – I hope others find and nurture it.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am also currently single, and I have struggled with similar issues as you. Oddly, it was hard for me to take full responsibility for certain areas of my life like financial management and car maintenance after I got divorced, because I felt like if I were fully able to run my whole life then I wouldn’t need a man. I know that sounds bizarre. But it was a real struggle for me. It was sad for me to take responsibility of those areas of my life because I felt like I was giving up future relationships. Now, however, I’ve been doing well for four years, and I’m making a lot of progress in not needing a man for fixing my emotional problems either. It’s a much happier way to live, but it’s quite scary to embark upon the path of full responsibility for oneself. It requires faith that all the love you need is truly available now in the present moment.
What an amazing article! I discovered recently that a companion is not the answer to my emotional inadequacy and that I have to connect with the love that stems from within. I also realised how conditioned we have been through novels and movies about “finding the one” outside ourselves. I call the idea of changing this perception and shifting our focus to ourselves, a spiritual revolution! Thanks for sharing your story…
Thank you for sharing, Hannah. I have been single for just over four years, too. You are so right about that faith in having all the love we need in the present moment. Coincidentally, when this article was being published, I found myself crying in bed at the realisation that giving myself love from the heart, not just the head, was still a struggle. I knew then that this love would take nurturning and finding it was only the start.
Thank you for your words, Sandy! I am so happy to know that many of us are on this spiritual revolution together. My journey has only just started and my living experience has already been transformed. I love the fact that there is no end to the learning and growing!
I came across this article by chance and I am so grateful that I did. It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in my feelings. At 32 yrs of age, single, no kids, minimal friends that I can fully rely on, I often felt such emptiness. Although I have a fairly decent profession and a wonderful family I never felt fully content, I always felt like something was missing in my life and I had come to the conclusion that thing that was missing and required addressing was a fulfilling and loving relationship with the “man of my dreams”. I type this with a smile on my face, because I remember the image that I had in my mind of this man. I imagined that he would sweep me off my feet and make everything better for me. I believed that he would give my life a meaning and possibly make me a better person. I have had several relationships, however never had a very long term one and sometimes this still worries me at my age. I remember when I hit my 30s I became less and less content and I just wasn’t a very happy person within. I wanted more from my life and I felt that I had to proof a point to myself. I wanted the lovely flat, the nice car and the good looking man with a good job and decent income. However this year things started to change for me. I had a very difficult time in a job that I started last October, I just never fitted in and I felt that I was not given a chance and I felt too ambitious and too honest and assertive to work within that particular setting. I felt that I was being held back and every time that I went into work I was anxious and I always felt overwhelmed by a negative energy. My love life was ground zero! I went on a few dates, however it seemed like the men that I met had other intentions. Although I still came across as a strong confident woman, my self esteem had decreased significantly, I didn’t really believe in myself and all in all I was just so unhappy. However a few months ago something just clicked in my mind and I knew that I had to make changes in my life if I truly want to be happy and if I want to be loved. I realised that I had to take some time off work in order to recuperate and find myself another job, I reaslied the importance of spending more time with my family and making time for friends that actually care enough about me to stay in touch. I came to understand the meaning of treating myself kindly. And most importantly I realised the significance of being pleasant, kind and friendly and simply smiling even when things were tough. By following these basic steps I found that I was attracting more and more positive energy towards me. In a space of about three months, I have met people who have been kind to me and even random strangers complimenting me, I have been approached by men that I never thought would approach me, even if it was just for them to say hello; but some just stare and smile 🙂
Although I still yearn for the fulfilling relationship and I know deep down in my heart it is coming but I don’t know when. I am more realistic about my expectations, however I still keep some elements of the fairy tale; after all there is nothing wrong with hoping. I have come to appreciate myself and my life a lot more. I have also come to understand the basic rule of universal energy which is “if you release positivty, then positivity comes back to you, however if you bring out negativity then that is what you would get back in return”. Life is not perfect and although I am still working on finding myself and finding my true happiness; which requires a lot of work. I have come a long way from where I was a few months back. I say to everyone out there to never give up on love, but you really must love yourself first in order for others to love you in the same way.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience in such an honest way 🙂
Warm Regards
Hi Olu,
Thank you for sharing your story. I also find that when I open my heart to the world, I receive kindness and appreciation in return.
I have only ever been in one relationship and dating is a non-existent part of my life so I have at times thought that maybe I need “fixing”. Nowadays I am more comfortable being different. Whether I meet my prince charming or not, I feel complete 🙂
All the best,
Chi
Hi Chi, I enjoyed this article. Your journey to find inner acceptance and love is one that people seldom think about or consider. I enjoyed your use of being gentle with yourself and having grace. These are not usually approaches people consider when looking at personal growth. People consider high energy and passion, but forget that with any change comes a time to reflect and heal. This is when compassion and gentleness with yourself comes in to play. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Your story really RESONATED with me…Thank You for sharing! 🙂
“Coincidentally, when this article was being published, I found myself
crying in bed at the realisation that giving myself love from the heart,
not just the head, was still a struggle.” It must have taken a lot of courage for you to write this..reading this line in particular just made me appreciate your story even more; so thank you so much for sharing…:)
Wonderful article! Just what I needed to hear! Thank you very much for these words.(I made an account just to reply to this, which is a rare thing for me to do.)
Thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me that you created an account just to reply. They did not alert me of your comment so I did not know to respond earlier. I hope you do get this message from me.
Thank you for your comment – I am sorry I didn’t know of it when you posted because I did not get an alert. I hope that you are finding more love for yourself every day 🙂
Thank you, Cosimo. 8 months on and I am still on that journey of cultivating more self-compassion. It really is the antidote to most of my sufferings.