Deadly Women. I like Deadly Women.
Allow me to rephrase: I don’t have an affinity for murderous ladies, and I’m also not a fan of murder as a practice. I am decidedly pro-loving people and anti-killing them. And yet I enjoy the show Deadly Women and watch it with my sister, who shares my interest in true crime, whenever I’m home.
I don’t share this with many people. Why? Because it’s weird, or so I’ve thought. Maybe it’s more that it’s tough to explain.
I wouldn’t want people to judge me or somehow think less of me because I’m drawn to documentaries and books that dig deep into the psychology of criminal minds.
I wouldn’t want anyone to assume I’m dark, twisted, and sadistic.
Why am I making this bizarre confession? I recently started thinking about the little things I’ve never publicly shared after listening to an interview with writer and designer Paul Jarvis.
As you may recall, I’m currently producing a new podcast called Next Creator Up, with my partner in many things and show host Ehren Prudhel.
This week’s interview focuses on the idea that less is often more, both in general and specifically in business. And there’s a lot of emphasis on deciding for ourselves what it means to live a successful life.
While the whole interview spoke to me as a creative person, a minimalist, and an entrepreneur, I keep thinking about this story he told in the beginning about finding his “rat people.”
Paul has pet rats, and he unabashedly shares his affection for them even though he suspects 99% of the population find them dirty and disgusting.
He posts pictures of them on Instagram. He’s dedicated books to them. And he could care less if some people think this is weird. Because 1% of the population gets it, and he’s okay with speaking to just that 1% when he shares his love for his rodent family.
He wrote an email newsletter about this many years back, using this story as an analogy for finding the people who’ll get our creative work, and it ended up being one of the most popular emails he’s ever sent out.
The message: Find the people who will appreciate what you do and love you for it, and ignore the ones who don’t. They don’t matter. They’d never support you, so stop trying to win everyone over and focus on connecting with the people you don’t have to try hard to please.
Be okay with the majority of people not getting what you like and what you do. In fact, don’t just be okay with it; relish in it—because it’s far better to be supported by a few who really see and appreciate you than to be accepted by many who don’t and never will.
Mind.
Blown.
If you google me you will find a lot about my work in the self-help world. If you follow the digital breadcrumb trail, you may come to see me in a particular light. And I have to be honest, I’ve wanted to be seen in that light. I’ve wanted the majority of people to like me and see me as someone who cares and aspires to help people.
It’s not that those things aren’t true. It’s just that they’re not the whole picture. I’ve unintentionally fed into a certain persona in an attempt to appeal to the majority, as this is what I’ve always done, in all aspects of my life.
I’ve tried to be all things to all people. I’ve tried to be palatable to all. I’ve aspired to be the human equivalent of pizza, because I want to be loved, and who doesn’t love pizza?
While it feels good to imagine most people see the best in me, I don’t want to be only partially seen. And I don’t want to limit what I’m able to do and create based on this narrow idea of who I am and what I have to offer.
I don’t want to forever pigeonhole myself because I only share certain parts of myself. I want to wave my freak flag high—no f*cks given—and be okay with the fact that many of you might think it’s too big, too bold, or too eclectic.
And yeah, I wrote f*cks, which I know some people find offensive. Sorry not sorry. I’m literally terrified to publish those words, but oh how f*cken liberating!
I swear, a lot more when speaking than you’d imagine if you read my writing.
I like true crime.
I read celebrity websites.
I enjoy tarot card readings, even though I don’t believe anyone can predict the future, and simultaneously write about the power of staying in the now.
I spend too much money on expensive facials.
I love an excuse to wear a costume and would be totally into King Richard’s fair and steampunk, though I’ve yet to delve into either.
And as for my creative work? I want to break through the walls I’ve built around myself over this last decade and expand beyond the world of self-help.
As you may know, I’m an aspiring filmmaker. But I also want to paint—not landscapes or anything peaceful, but weird, Tim-Burton-esque images that are more interesting and surreal than beautiful and serene.
I want to write stories about quirky people and dysfunctional family dynamics—think Napoleon Dynamite and Little Miss Sunshine.
And I also want to write a murder mystery someday, either a novel or film. Something dark and compelling and intriguing. Something I’d watch with my sister when the Deadly Women marathon’s over.
And this means I’ll need to be okay with the fact that my work will only speak to some. Which has probably been true all along; it just hasn’t felt that way.
So going forward, whenever I’m tempted to water myself down—to serve you the cheese version of my pizza instead of the vegan wild mushroom pistachio pesto with tofu chèvre—I’m going to remind myself of the following:
I don’t need everyone to like me. Just the few who genuinely appreciate me once they see me for who I really am.
I don’t need everyone to like what I like. Just the ones who share my unique brand of weird and want to tangle our freak flags for a while.
I don’t need everyone to like what I say and write. Just the ones who get what I’m getting at and would never ask me to tone it down or rein it in.
And I don’t need everyone to like what I create. Just the ones who are drawn to what I want to draw with the messy palette inside my mind and my heart.
So my rat people, where are you? And if you’re not my rat people, who are yours? What’s your brand of weird? And what do you want to do and create?
—
I realize not all Tiny Buddha readers are interested in creativity, but I know you rat people are out there! If you’re a creative trying to make a living off your work, I highly recommend checking out Paul’s interview. It’s jam-packed with tips and insights that can help you do what you want to do and live your own version of success.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I love this!! You had me at Deadly Women <3
BRAVO!!!!! Here’s to all the Rat Bodhisattva’s 🙂
Sweet article. A great reminder to filter through all the minutiae and spend time on the people/things that truly matter.
Being vulnerable is difficult, especially in such a large space as the internet. Keep being you!
No filters, no f*cks given, and no boring cheese pizza – these are also my aspirations 🙌. I get what you’re getting at and applaud you for staying true to who you are. Your rat people appreciate you 😊❤.
Thank you so much —– I loved this post!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this. I am just like you, in fact I told my son yesterday when he was complaining about fitting in… I said, you be your unique self, don’t be like everyone else. My best friend told me the other day he thought I was a weirdo.. I said THANK YOU!! To me, that’s a compliment. I don’t want to be a cookie cutter of anyone. Maybe it’s because I am Aquarian, who knows.. But I think I am way more interesting because I am unique…
Thanks. This article totally made my day!!!!
I needed to hear this today. Thank you!
I think vegan wild mushroom pistachio pesto with tofu chèvre pizza sounds amazingly delicious and fun. 😉 Good luck with all your future endeavours! Hopefully you will still have some time for tiny buddha, reading your articles has really helped and inspired me a lot over the last years, so thank you!!! From a usually quiet reader who enjoys tiny buddha very much. 💛 p.s.: I was wondering how you decide which posts to publish? Would you also publish anonymous words, if the article was good? If so, where should the article be send to? I’m thinking about writing something, sharing some of my little bit of life wisdom. I realised I have healing words too, just like so many articles I’ve read here. 💛
Lovely article. Just one point.
“Find the people who will appreciate what you do and love you for it, and ignore the ones who don’t. “
I would say “Find the people who will appreciate what you do and love you for it, and remain curious about the ones who don’t.”
You see to ignore means that you will only circle yourself of people who just think like you but finally this world is wonderful because we are all different and we need people who think different from us to challenge us out of our comfort zone and to consider things from different perspectives without having to give up ourselves. I think it’s important to have balance. You don’t need to ignore people who don’t share our passions or beliefs, in fact I think it is healthy to consider that there may be others who just don’t get you and still feel totally ok with it.
Perhaps at times it’s healthier to ignore but sometimes a healthy and genuine curiosity about the reactions of those who are different from us can open up a whole different perspective and understanding of the world and more meaningful connections to all the wonderful people around us.
Just because someone doesn’t share the same passion as you it doesn’t mean that they don’t accept you as a person.
Infringing title I thought initially it meant identifying who was rotten ( or ratty ) to you. Anyway thanks it takes enormous courage to stay true to yourself in this world of ours. Take care and enjoy your son.
Always wanted to be a member of the rat pack!
Did I just date myself 🙂
Awwwww. I love you more Lori when I read this article. No matter what you do or write it will always be beautiful and wonderful to me. I am proud member of your rat people. =) Makes me wanting to hug you more in person but I am here in Philippines and you are on the other side of the planet hihi but I am forever grateful and happy to know you..
Beautiful, beautiful article, Lori. Fab work. And very exciting… I can’t wait to see where this next chapter of life takes you! (And I swear a lot too, and love it, haha 🙂
It is so empowering to have these realizations and be inspired by others. Thanks for sharing and thanks for not giving a f*ck! I need to work on that on the journey to accepting my authentic self.
Lori- you are so not weird for enjoying Deadly Women. I enjoy world coming to an end disaster shows/movies. Diving deep into the psychology of raw survival is interesting to me. We all have a natural curiosity surrounding the darker side of life as well as the light-hearted and positive aspects.
I muse that you mention your desire to paint Tim Burton-esque curious things and not dreamy landscapes. Why? B/c I want to paint the dreamy landscapes! Particularly trees!
Such a powerful article, Lori! Thank you for sharing 🙂 For all of us, it’s such a huge step to stop caring about what others think (I mean, the ones who criticize and possibly even belittle because their views are different from ours). Only then can we start fully being and expressing our true selves, which is essential for personal growth. It requires courage and can be daunting, but it also leads to more authentic connections. All the best wishes for your endeavors 🙂
I am told im too loud…yep..I can be..and opinionated…but ive noticed that those people would not make that comment if I was a man. My brother is,louder than I..and not one person comments on that …. still under impression some people want a woman to be quiet and meek.. also feel se folks do not like their thunder stolen lol. I am who I am…if you do not like it..disappear..im busy. Lol
Thanks so much! Yes, it is difficult, and scary, but oh so liberating!
Thanks so much, Kim. =)
Haha! I’m glad this spoke to you <3
Great advice to pass on to your son. I also take being called weird as a compliment, and I hope my son (born just a week ago) learns to do the same!
You’re most welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it. =)
Thanks for sharing this food for thought! I think when Paul suggested ignoring the people who don’t get and appreciate what we do he meant to tune out their criticism instead of taking it to heart and trying to win them over.
This is the exact wording from his newsletter:
“You need to find your rat people. Not literally ‘rat people,’ unless rats really are your thing. I’m talking about the people that get what you do, appreciate it, and love you for it. Everyone else? You can safely ignore. The ones who think your work is useless or worse, disgusting don’t truly matter. Their dissension should fall on deaf ears because they’d never support you, pay you or join your secret club. When you give up trying to please everyone your work becomes much more focused and valuable to the people that matter.”
Still, you bring up some great points – it’s far better to be curious and open-minded than shut down to people who don’t share our passions or perspective!
Rat Bodhisattvas – love it! =)
It is! Thanks so much for the well wishes. I’ll still be involved with the site – probably always will be – though I hope to get some help at some point. I do pretty much everything for the site now, and that leaves little time for much else.
I’m so glad you’ve found it helpful! You can learn about submitting a post here:
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/submission-guidelines
I’ve closed submissions for a bit and will likely reopen them sometime in the next month. If you decide to submit a post, can you please mention that we connected here in the comments? Sometimes my memory is embarrassingly poor! It’s fine to submit a post anonymously. I generally choose posts to share based on what speaks to me on a personal level, and also with balance in mind (so, for example, I don’t publish a week of posts about anxiety back-to-back).
I look forward to reading your post!
You’re most welcome!
Thanks so much Ann! I’d love to accept that hug. Perhaps some day. =)
Indeed it does. Thanks so much! I have family visiting now, and it’s been beyond heartwarming to watch them all bond with him. =)
Haha yes, but I’m dating myself with my response!
Thanks Claire – I can’t wait either! =)
You know, I had been feeling lately that there is that feeling of “not fitting in”, ” unable to find my purpose” and “needing to censor myself because my words are too difficult to process”. It kind of feels encouraging to read articles like these that encourages those who are creatives seeking a greater purpose in their lives.
I think that’s what I have been slowly trying to get back into, getting in touch with those who I think can appreciate me for who / what I am, and what I can happily do for others while not sacrificing self worth or respect.
Thank you for this wonderful article! I hope someday I can also inspire and motivate others in a momentous manner. 😊
Love this! I’ve never commented on a post before, but this one really spoke to me. And, I knew exactly what you were talking about when you said you loved Deadly Women 😀
Hi Lori. Not sure if it was me who awhile back made a quip about the zero f*ucks usage? In any event, I love you for you and not some idealised version of who I think you should be. In other words, unless the blog because like a transcript from a Quentin Tarantino movie I’ll continue reading an enjoying this awesome site. 🙂
I used to want people to like me for many years. I grew up with a huge stigma of 1. growing up on the other side of tracks 2. Having a unique name that everyone made fun of, and wouldn’t take me seriously. 3 Being born with a club foot which made people view me as defective. Because of all this, I would over compensate, trying to impress people as soon as I would meet them, inundating them with too much information.
I was typecast because of my circumstances as being dumb, etc although having an above average I.Q and I was desperate for others to know that. . After many years I realised it didn’t matter how hard I tried, people weren’t going to like me regardless what I did, so I made up my mind to not even bother worrying about what people thought of me. I show everyone respect, and if they don’t care then that is fine with me.
Thank you again for hosting such great articles, they really do inspire me.
I enjoy those kind of movies too! As for raw survival, I loved the show “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.” I actually binge watched it when recovering from surgery several years back.
I’d love to see one of your dreamy landscapes if you paint any!
absolutely double standard. i do not mind my gender role as such but i do mind the ‘isnt she loud’ when theres men there bellowing over everyone and nothing said ugh…grates my gears. i surmise people find it intimidating and there is some jealousy at hand too..and some may find me irritating…but..im not changing, so they can put up with it or not..there are only two options. stay or walk away. there is also where some men talk over me..lol..i mean like i have nothing important to say. i feel alot of men do this. a neighbour was talking over me to my partner talking about well done my fella for fixing the fence..i was trying to explain it was not difficult when he spoke right over me ..did not hear a word. when it was my partner who said ‘ fluella fixed it’ ..the neighbour then still completely ignored me and walked off..busy apparantly lol. weird is it not? not first time ive been ignored..many infact, where some men think you are just a woman so will not understand..or shhh we are man talking …even though…i do ALLthe DIY in our house and garden. very insular and rude. ty lori
I’ve found that too, fluella. There’s definitely a double standard. For example, women are called bossy when men are told they have leadership skills. Though I’ve always wanted people to like me, I’ve never been willing to play into gender roles. I make the life choices I want to make, whether it’s expected of me as a woman or not, and I feel proud of that.
Thanks so much, Isabel! So true – we need to tune out criticism that isn’t constructive if we hope to grow. I appreciate the well wishes. =)
I’m glad this spoke to you, Jeremy!
Thanks for commenting! It’s nice to connect with a fellow Deadly Women fan. =)
I totally get this. Although it is a horrible trait, I see this behavior in both sexes. Usually, it’s blatantly obvious that I am being talked over, I will continue talking and get louder and louder till the other person stops and gives me a look, but I do not care, those sort of actions are extremely rude, much like someone opening a door, looking around seeing you, then letting the door slam in your face.
Hi Gomek!
My apologies for my slow response. I somehow missed this before.
I used to do the same thing – overshare in an attempt to win people over. I wish I could say I’m completely over my people-pleasing habit, but it still rears its head at times. Far less frequently, though, and that’s progress!
You’re absolutely right – people are going to feel how they feel regardless of what we do to try to change their minds, and I find that trying too hard often has the exact opposite effect. I think people lose respect when they sense we’re desperate for their approval.
You’re most welcome. Thank you for taking the time to write. =)
Lori
I also love true crime and enjoy tarot reading. We should meet!
By the way, have you seen the a-mazing true crime podcasts that have emerged lately?
Sounds like we’d get along great! =) Which podcasts are you referring to? I’d love some recommendations!
Thanks so much – I can’t wait to check them out!
The most famous one is The Teacher’s Pet, because a suspect actually got arrested because of the podcast! I also love all Someone Knows Something’s series and the Serial Podcast as well.
OMG love this Lori!! Love love love it!!
Just downloaded the episode and can’t wait to listen!!
Thanks Bryn! I hope you enjoy the episode. =)
Definitely your rat person! And you the whole pizza!
Thanks Abigail! =)