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How to Find the Motivation to Change Your Life When You Don’t Feel Capable or Worthy

“Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav

Following a path of personal development isn’t easy. Oh, it’s rewarding and can be life changing, but it can also be confusing, challenging, and scary.

What if you take the wrong path? How do you know which piece of advice is right? Can you still get the results you desperately want, even if you go against some of the assumed wisdom?

One such piece of wisdom is that people should make changes in their lives and their behavior for themselves, not for others. That’s always been the standard advice from friends, magazines, and TV “experts.”

But what if you don’t feel ready, worthy, or capable of making the change for yourself? What if you feel so confused and scared that you don’t know where to start?

I formerly struggled with loving myself enough to take those initial steps toward finding a way out of my own depression and anxiety.

Then I realized that sometimes the love we have for other people, particularly for our children, can give us the motivation to start on the journey—even when we are lacking the love to do it for ourselves.

Like many people, I struggled with feeling like I was wrong, deficient, and “not good enough” for a long time.

You know how for most people, those anxious teenage years full of self-doubt and awkwardness pass with the arrival of their twenties? For me, those feelings didn’t disappear. If anything, they accelerated. Feeling unsure of myself turned into something darker and more entrenched.

I spent my twenties shuttling between depression and its twisted sister, anxiety. By the time I was twenty-seven I was exhausted by it and hospitalized for a brief spell (a “little rest,” as my mum euphemistically described it.)

Depression had become a part of my identity. To my mind, it wasn’t a condition I experienced; it was part of who I fundamentally was: a person broken beyond repair.

I tried counseling but found it painful and not something I was ready for. So then I tried drama instead—intense relationships with men who tried to love me better, and I them.

I tried medication and it helped; it lifted my mood enough so I could function.

But the thoughts and the moods just receded; they never fully went away. The depression didn’t let go; it was always on the edges, threatening to return.

I’d sense it. There it was snapping at my heels, reminding me that all was not well: I was not well.

And then, everything changed. Thirteen years ago I had my son. A beautiful, smiling boy, who rocked my world and kicked my self-perception off its axis.

That’s the thing with kids—before you have them, even though people tell you about the oceans of love you will experience, you just don’t get it. But once my son was in my arms, I got it. I really, really got it.

I loved him in a way that blew a hole in my self-loathing and everything I’d taken to be true.

I sat with him in my arms, perfect little fingers, toes, nose, eyelashes—perfect everything. The waves of fear and love I felt took my breath away.

A terrifying set of questions gnawed at my mind: What if I couldn’t do it? What if I couldn’t protect this perfect little being? What if I actually damaged him? What if my deficiencies, my failings, my brokenness affected him?

I would do anything for him. He needed me to be the best I could be. I knew that I had to get better; I hadn’t had the strength to do it for myself, so if I couldn’t do it for me, I would do it for him.

That’s what gave me the push, the kick, the boot up the backside I needed.

I didn’t have the answers for how I was going to do it, but I certainly had a lot of questions:

  • Why do some people seem able to soar through life and others struggle?
  • How come some people can see the good in themselves but others can’t see their own strengths at all?
  • What makes people happy, and is it possible to increase how happy we are and how often?

Answering those questions took quite a while—thirteen years and counting. Once I took my first faltering steps along that journey to find those answers, so many things opened up for me.

I’ve had therapy, returned to learning, studied with some amazing teachers, become an NLP Master Practitioner, completed a Master’s degree in coaching, not to mention read every personal development book I could get my hands on. I’ve sucked up positive psychology research, taken up yoga, learned how to practice mindfulness, and made understanding my brain and moods a priority.

It might have started out as a way to sort out my own head so that I could be a better mum, but it’s blossomed into something more profound. The ripple effect of the journey is immense. I teach, write, and share what I’ve learned and will continue to do it so that others can get it too.

I know I’ve moved from a place of great darkness to huge possibility and light. The depression that snapped at my heels has gone; although I’ll always be watching out for its return, I’m confident I have the tools to deal with it if it ever does.

Above all, I am grateful beyond words to my son and to his little sister for showing me what love really is, for showing me that I was capable of giving such love and worthy of receiving it. They unlocked the door for me to start really loving myself.

What started out as something I did for someone else, turned out to be the most loving thing I’ve ever done, for both of us.

It doesn’t really matter who you’re starting out on this journey for—just start it. If you do it with a desire to learn, grow and heal, and feel happier, you will get there.

Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself or investing in things that will help you to get there.

When you feel better, are kinder to yourself, and no longer spend hours a day wrestling with your own demons, you free up so much time, energy, and love to give back to those around you.

You might feel scared. You might feel guilty for wanting to take an hour to read that book, or visit the gym, or attend that course. You might think you’re not worthy of it.

You might feel that being a good person is about focusing all of your energy on your loved ones and ignoring yourself. But I want to tell you that’s not true. The best thing you can do for your loved ones is sorting your own stuff out.

  • Give your kids a role model of self-compassion.
  • Show your niece that it’s okay to be gawky and unsure of herself.
  • Show your dad that it’s good to take time out and take a rest when he’s feeling overwhelmed.

Show your loved one’s a model of choosing happiness and hope over depression and despair.

The greatest gift that we can give to those we love is to show them that they can learn, grow, and evolve—and that they are in control of that.

I don’t care why you do it. If you can do it for yourself, that’s fantastic. But even if you’re initially doing it for someone else, you might just learn along the way that you’re worth making the change for after all.

About Jo Casey

Jo Casey is a resilience expert, trainer and coach who’s on a mission to help people increase their joy, passion & impact at work. She’s a mama, recovering perfectionist, yoga addict and baker of a mean sponge cake. Visit Jo at www.jocasey.com where you can sign up for her free ‘Work Happier Now’ course. Or you can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

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CJ Rising

Thanks for sharing your story, Jo! I have had similar experiences with my children being a big motivating factor in working on myself. I also try to be a positive role model for my daughters, especially in modeling being a confident, strong and authentic person. And, finally, I absolutely agree with your advice to just start the process. It can often be overwhelming to think about all you want to accomplish on your path to self development, but jumping into the process at any point is the first step. I really enjoyed this heartfelt post!

Jo Casey

Children can be a great motivator for sure – and amongst the many, many amazing gifts my kids have given me is the motivation and strength to start that same process. Thank you so much for sharing your story

Catwoman05

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 26 and came down with CFS. I’m now 45, and while I can say my 11-year-old son has definitely kept me from leaving this earth, I still struggle with these issues being a single mother with no help from anyone whatsoever. It’s very difficult to be positive when so much of life is a struggle–finances, health, energy, career, relationships, the mere challenge of raising a boy in today’s world–all these issues I have to deal with myself. There’s no one to help me with any of them. I’ve done therapy, NLP, acupuncture, rebirthing, any alternative health thing you can think of–at the moment, I don’t have the money to try anything else. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest through the trees.

Marilyn

Your story is inspiring and beautifully written. I know that we so often want changes to happen overnight, but the truth is this doesn’t happen. It takes time and courage to overcome incorrect beliefs about ourselves. The key is starting the process and I love your suggestion that the reason for beginning the journey to self-awareness doesn’t matter, the fact that you decide to go ahead does.

Tim

That was pretty cool. I can draw some parallels to this. When I got married and had children 16 years ago, it was like a light switched on in my life. Now I feel like I’m just working all the time, and I need inspiration, so I’m going through all this stuff all over again. And I’m reading your post, which was very helpful to me. I agree that caring for someone else is better than not caring for anyone at all including yourself.

Michael Saunders

Thank you for sharing your journey as well as your helpful insights! I too had a similar journey. For me, it was Buddhist philosophy and psychology as well as meditation with a wonderful group of friends that really lightened up my life. Your story underscores the importance of self-compassion. We should not be so hard on ourselves. Loving-kindness towards ourselves is as important as loving-kindness towards others.

Jenn

I have often seen how children change peoples lives and perspectives in a positive and meaningful way. I have, as most of the commenters here, struggled with making life changes, issues of self love and self worth and the feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. However, my struggle is still ongoing. I am interested to hear from anyone who has managed to have such a shift without the birth of a child being an impetus. I personally would love to experience parenthood, but the time is not right for me. Underemployment, relationship issues, educational goals and my own personal issues cause me to choose not to, but I can’t help but think that if I could get a handle on my personal issues, that employment issues, management of school, and relationship issues would better allow for me to welcome a new life into mine.

K.R.

How do you start the change if you have no one? I don’t have family or friends to care or help. I feel like I’m just plowing through life until death comes.

Marta

I’m glad I found this page and your words, that really resonate with me. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps a lot! But.. I’ve felt a little kind of ‘disappointed’ when I’ve read that your baby changed everything. How can I cope with a similar situation and also having had already 3 in vitro processes which didn’t work? I wish to be a mother and it’s becoming another reason for feeling weaker on my journey..
Best wishes for everyone

Hi Jo,

What a wonderful post.

My kids definitely helped me through a very dark period in my life. I had no hope left for the future and everything seemed pointless. Somewhere deep inside of me though I didn’t want to let my kids down. When I was with my kids they somehow gave me hope and strength. They were the platform for my recovery.

I didn’t discuss how I was with them, but somehow they knew. Their behaviour changed. They started to help me in innumerable small ways. As a child I had to be the grown up when I was a similar age to my kids. I lost part of my childhood as a result. I did not want this for my kids. This screamed at me! This was not their role, to care for me. I was here to care for them. This one thought dragged me out of my despair. I was the one to teach them how to live.

I now have such a strong bond with my kids it fills me with immense gratitude. Sometimes in our darkest hour caring for someone else is the only path towards caring for ourselves.

Jo Casey

It is so hard when you’re on your own – but what a strong, positive role model you are providing for your son! Keep going and reach out for support – sometimes you’ll be amazed where you’ll find it.

Jo Casey

Thank you for taking the time to leave such a fantastic comment. You’re kids sound amazing – as do you!

Jo Casey

Marta – we all have our own journey and whilst my starting point was my son, for you it may be different. You don’t need a baby to start to love yourself. Not having the much wanted child is heartbreaking (I know from experience) and it can become all consuming – obliterating everything else. I know that for me I put my life on hold for a long time waiting for enough reason to start my journey. If I could gift you anything, it’s the belief that you are worthy of love, worthy of the time and worthy of the journey. x

Jo Casey

Jenn – I know of lots of people who’ve made real changes in how they see themselves without having children – that was just what it took for me to make the transition. The journey can feel overwhelming I know – but it’s a step at a time. You can do it baby step by baby step.

Jo Casey

Self compassion is the key to it all I think

Jo Casey

Having kids was the catalyst for me but it’s an ongoing process. You don’t need to start again – it’s about rediscovering that spark in yourself.

Jo Casey

It starts with self compassion K.R – learning to love yourself – really see that you are worthy of love.

Jo Casey

Marilyn – you’re right. it’s taking that one step in front of the other that matters.

Marilyn

I found that change starts with the desire or intention to change, Tim. If your desire to find a different way to live, to have more meaning in your life is strong and comes from the deepest part of you, your life begins to change. As Jo says, it happens by taking small steps. What I have also found is that once I acknowledged my desire to change, everything and everyone I needed to help that happen arrived in my life at exactly the right time and place.

J

Thank you so much for this.

Epic Lifequest

Hello Jo!

Thank you very much for sharing your story with us! I know it can be very hard to have so many questions and (at first) no answers. It’s good that you pointed out that we should not completely focus on others, but also on ourselves.

I agree wholeheartedly with you. Many people confuse being a good person with the need to sacrifice their own needs for others. It’s better to become a strong, independent person that others can turn to, if they need help, never forgetting that sometimes the best form of help is to teach them how to be strong and independent too.

This always reminds me of the story of the fisher who refused to feed a hungry beggar, but instead taught him how to catch fish. The difference? Giving a person food for one day doesn’t teach him/her how to take care of his/her needs.

In any case, thanks a lot for your article! Well done!