“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw
I wanted a guarantee.
I wanted to know for sure that if I tried to do something, I would like it; if I devoted my limited time to it, I’d end up somewhere good.
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I felt certain this was a phenomenal failing—because if you don’t know right now what you need to do to make your life count, life will pass you by before you’ve ever had a chance to do something meaningful or valuable. At least, that’s what I thought back then.
So I sat around thinking, analyzing, trying to identify something big enough or good enough, terrified that maybe I’d spend the rest of my days feeling purposeless, useless, on the fringe; doing the same thing in my professional life as I’d always done in my personal life: feeling like I was on the outside looking in.
When you’re sitting amid a vast expanse of possibilities, in the pressure cooker of expectations and impatience, it can feel almost paralyzing.
What step do you take when you have a hunch but no solid sense of direction? If it’s only a hunch, then maybe it’s the wrong direction.
And what if you go in the wrong direction? Then you will have wasted time, and time is finite. And everyone else is so far ahead. Everyone else seems happy and successful. Everyone else is climbing the ladder, earning more money, making a difference, mattering.
What if you never matter? What if you never do anything important? And worst of all, what if you never have more than a hunch about what’s important to you?
What if you never feel a spark, a purpose, that elusive “why” that so many people write about?
What if you never care about anything so strongly that it becomes the bliss you have to follow?
Sitting in the Times Square Internet café over a decade ago, searching Craigslist for jobs and gigs, I felt a sense of panic and urgency. I needed to figure it out, and fast.
I was blinded by the fear of never finding what I was looking for, and that made the looking awfully ineffective.
I thought there was something wrong with me for being so uncertain, so resistant, so unable to identify and commit to any path.
In retrospect, I see there was nothing wrong with me, or where I was in life. And there was nothing wrong with living in the maybe, looking for new possibilities.
I wasn’t ineffective because I didn’t yet feel a strong internal pull. I was ineffective because I consistently marinated my brain in anxious, self-judging thoughts.
My biggest obstacle wasn’t that I felt lost; it was that I felt I shouldn’t be. I felt I should have known, right then, not only what I wanted to do but also how I was going to do it.
Because without knowing those two things, I felt adrift and incredibly out of control. How can you let yourself ease into the moment if you can’t be sure it’s leading to a better one?
If I were to walk into that Internet café and approach my younger self, she would probably ignore me, immersed as she was in her frantic searching.
But if I somehow had the power to command her attention, I’d tell her a few things that maybe, just maybe, could relieve her constant worrying and provide both peace of mind and focus.
You’ll never be effective if you’re convinced tomorrow needs to be better than today, because this belief stems from resistance to the present—and the present is where your power lies.
If you’re looking for purpose from a place of inadequacy, you will likely be too overwhelmed by the need to do something big, that matters to the world at large, to identify what matters to you personally and start taking tiny steps toward it.
Instead of looking for a guarantee that tomorrow will be valuable, know that today is valuable—that you’re not wasting time because you don’t yet feel a sense of purpose. You’re using time well by starting (or continuing) the process of discovering it.
There’s simply no shortcut to “figuring things out”—for anyone. Instead of being hard on yourself for not having clarity, be proud of yourself for moving forward on a foggy road when you could easily find a cloudless, well-beaten path to follow…to certain dissatisfaction.
There’s no set timeframe for doing anything.
You truly can do things in your own time without having to worry about being “behind.” Sometimes it’s the things we do that feel like “stalling” or “getting off track” that end up being the most helpful for our growth.
And besides, what story will be more interesting to flash before your eyes in the end: one that unfolded in ways you never expected, with unique twists and turns; or, one that followed a specific, predetermined timeline with predictable steps from milestone to milestone?
The best way to find direction is to trust your instincts instead of forcing yourself to do things because you think you “should.”
Your intuition is a powerful compass, and even if you think you aren’t making progress, if you’re following your instincts, you are.
There are always going to be opportunities that look good on paper, and that little, scared voice within may tell you that your life will only matter if you take them.
Other people may also tell you this, if not directly, indirectly; or, you may assume they’re thinking this, when really, they’re too immersed in their own confusing journey to pass judgment on yours for long.
But sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you don’t take, leaving yourself open for choices that better align with your own values and priorities.
I know this may sound as impossible as growing another lung, but try not to worry so much about what other people might think. They may have expectations, but they aren’t living inside your mind, or feeling your instincts.
The only one who can make wise decisions for you is you. And even if it makes you feel anxious at times, you will eventually thank yourself for being brave enough to follow your heart, not someone else’s head.
When it comes to creating purpose, there truly is no “wrong” decision.
You may think you only have one purpose and that you need to push yourself to find it. And you can continue thinking this, if you’re okay with feeling chronically pressured and scared.
Or, instead of aiming to discover the one thing you’re supposed to do with your life, you could focus on discovering the one thing you want to try right now, knowing that you can change direction any time. And that changing direction won’t be something to be ashamed of; it won’t mean you failed at discovering your purpose before. It will mean you had one purpose then, and now your purpose has evolved.
It will mean you’re brave enough to let yourself evolve, repeatedly undertaking the sometimes terrifying process of discovering what else you can do.
Maybe that in itself can be a purpose—to live life in that vulnerable, uncertain place where you’re not boxed into one way of being; unencumbered by the need to define yourself and your place in the world; free to roam when it would feel much safer to tether yourself to one role.
—
Ten years ago I thought I was a failure because I hadn’t done anything that felt important. I now know it was all important, and not just because it brought me to this site.
All those steps were important because those steps were my life. And my life is valuable and worth enjoying regardless of what I do professionally.
Ironically, adopting this mindset makes it so much easier to create meaning in life, because suddenly it’s not about what you have to do. It’s about what you want to do. It’s about where your heart’s pulling you in this moment.
And that’s what it means to find direction—to follow those pulls, without a guarantee, knowing that the goal isn’t to end up somewhere good but to learn to recognize the good in this very moment.
This moment isn’t merely the bridge to where you want to be. This moment—this crucial part of the process—is a destination in itself, and now is your only opportunity to appreciate it, and appreciate yourself for living it.
Photo by h. koppdelaney
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“When you’re sitting amid a vast expanse of possibilities, in the pressure cooker of expectations and impatience, it can feel almost paralyzing.”
OMG!!! You have totally nailed it!!!
Very aptly written Lori… Like you were reading my mind…Thats probably I am in this current situation exactly thinking this, having quit work and finding the direction and purpose… Thanks for sharing this Lori!!
Really great post Lori! I particularly like your line “when it comes to creating purpose, there truly is no “wrong” decision. I like your choice of the word creating. Too many of us are trying to find our purpose. So we waste time, hoping that somehow that purpose will somehow magically find us. Meanwhile we could have been creating our purpose this whole time.
And as you say, there truly is no wrong decision. What matters, in my opinion, is that we commit to our chosen purpose and put energy into making it work. All the while holding loosely so that we can change direction if/when the need arises.
This is such an amazing post! I was just thinking about how I have achieved nothing in this summer vacation but it’s because I was always living in the “tomorrow” trying to figure out what big thing I can do and change my life. I forgot to live in the present! Although now I can change me mindset thanks to this great article. Thank you so much Lori xxx
Thank you, thank you, thank you for these words this morning. It truly resonated with me in the most profound way.
Wow Lori. I feel like I could have written this article. I’m going through this process right now, and it’s even worse because I feel like I’ve already found my passion (singing) because nothing else has ever made me feel the joy I feel when I’m performing, and yet…rejection after rejection, for over a year now. I’m almost at my breaking point and I feel a mix of resentment, defiance, and yet resignation. To be honest I can’t even picture a future without the stage, but circumstances seem to be forcing me to explore other options. In some way I think that this hurts even more than being directionless-being able to see your vision so clearly and yet having it be out of reach and watching others grabbing opportunities that you KNOW you could excel at.
THANK YOU!!!
Thank you for this amazing post.. a great read..
Hi Lori, I’ve been an avid supporter of tiny buddha, the articles contributed here have helped and support me in ways that you can’t imagine, & I only wish that there’s such a platform when I was younger with depression. And this article in particular has prompted me to comment and share with you how much your writing tugged my heart and at some point made me tear. The vulnerability is so familiar that it still haunts me. This year has been full of surprises so far, i lost an important relationship, still can’t secure a job after 6 months of job-hunting, and losing myself. Even though I have the other articles to accompany through my doubtful times, none have been as accurate as this. Thank you, for writing this, for letting me come to terms, and giving me the courage to step into the unknown after seeing how successful you are. I am going to quit my job end of this month and embark on a solo europe trip. I’m not sure what lies ahead, but I know it’s better to move to the unknown than remain comfortably with a steady but doubtful job, waiting in the fog. Thank you once again, Lori.
This was beautiful, thank you so much… & great timing for me to read it…. as its said, there are no accidents in the universe. I know all too well that sitting in the cafe & trying to figure it out feeling…. thanks again, this was amazingly powerful in so many ways.
You’re most welcome, Krishna! I hope you have an enjoyable rest of the summer. =)
You’re most welcome. =)
You’re most welcome!
You’re most welcome, and thanks!
I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. The entertainment business can be so tough. What is your vision?
You’e most welcome. I’m glad you found it helpful. =)
I’m glad this resonated with you!
You’re most welcome. I’m glad it helped!
Thanks Ed! Regarding the pursuit of “finding our purpose,” I liken it to the hunt for our “one soul mate.” Whenever we convince ourselves there’s only “right” choice, and we may somehow fail at finding it, we create immense pressure that shuts us down to the many possibilities available to us. Ironic, for sure, that looking can be the barrier to finding.
Hold loosely is wonderful advice! We are ever evolving, so it makes sense that our values, priorities, and desires would evolve, as well!
Hi Bellie,
I’m so glad the site has been helpful to you. You’re most welcome. Congrats on your decision and the adventure ahead! A solo Europe trip sounds amazing. =)
Lori
what a beautiful article, rang plenty of bells… Thank you. I agree with you: listening to that inner voice, and discerning it from all the “should’s” one can be brought up with, that is the key.
I just want to be of service, really. By living my passion and inspiring others through my work, my life story, helping others to identify their higher purpose, to help them heal…so many things. I see myself being a healer, perhaps a motivational speaker, a trainer, a teacher, and also a performer. I can’t shake the deep knowing I have inside of me that my gifts play a big part in what I’m here to do, so that’s why I’m having so much trouble accepting this stagnation.
I just lost my job and am taking two days to myself before trying out at a new place, and I was feeling as though I should be doing it RIGHT NOW, and that I should have more plans if each job I try to get fails, which could go on forever! This post is just what I needed right now! In this uncertain time of my life, there is nothing wrong with not knowing where I’m heading or not jumping to it right away and wasting time. It makes me feel as if I’m not a failure
This is lovely, Lori! Thank you. I always enjoy your posts and the guest posts on your site. Today your post here is special. It speaks directly to where I am this very moment. Thank you for the hope you have given me today! You are a blessing to the universe! Love and light to you! ~ Sarah
Thanks so much for this Text Lori, every Single sentence is relateable and you really understand what it feels like, i find Myself in This Self Judging Situation right now and you’ve really helped me taking a burden of my shoulders 🙂 i really appreciate the time and Effort you put in This Text and thank you sincerely, i wish you only the best <3
“And that’s what it means to find direction—to follow those pulls, without a guarantee, knowing that the goal isn’t to end up somewhere good, but to learn to recognize the good in this very moment.” . . .OH such profound words! I enjoy all your posts Lori but this one is so timely for me at the crossroads I’m at with my life/work. For years I have been directionless because I was too afraid to follow those pulls because of the unknown tied to it. But here I am now, realizing my fears have stifled my growth and passed opportunities to the good in the very moment. I will not dwell in the time wasted, but take now to act upon all the wondrous opportunities I still have available to me. Thank you for your inspiring words!
how do we share through tumblr?(:
I recently sat down and wrote something similar to this in my journal. I felt it pulling, tugging on me. I’ve recently been neglecting the present. I found myself falling back into the trap of continually second-guessing my actions. Critiquing my life and decisions. Nothing is “good enough” I told myself. “There’s so many terrible things in the world and I need to prepare for them ALL. Imagine not being able to eat. Remember when we lost our house to foreclosure as a child?” On and on I would ramble in my head. I brought myself to the edge. Then it dawned on me all one day. I was running from the Now. I forgot the purpose and value which living in the present can bring. Some might say, “a peace that surpasses understanding.” To live with faith that there is value in my experience and even though I might have some debt, I choose not to allow negatives define me. My child’s mind is back online and I see with the eyes of imagination and possibility. I will no longer second guess my narrative which I’ve constructed to make sense of the world. There is value in the mystical experience and I will not judge myself for acknowledging this fact. Passion and purpose will lead me into deeper discoveries about myself and I will engage others on their own path in hopes that they, too, might begin to see themselves for who they truly are.
Wow, this took me back! It was only when I was “brave enough to let yourself evolve, repeatedly undertaking the sometimes-terrifying process of discovering what else you can do.” I finally came to the point where I realized that life was a grand series of experiments that I learned to embrace the moment. Then life became joyful and more fluid! Thank you for this lovely article.
Love this! Those darn ‘shoulds’ get me every time ;p
Coincidentally, a friend shared an Eckhart Tolle quote with me today that goes perfectly with this:
“Life will give you whatever experience is most
helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is
the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having
at the moment.”
🙂
Are you doing anything now to be of service and help others in this way? Or do you have any thoughts about how you could start doing this? (Feel free to not answer if I’m prying too much!)
I’m so sorry to hear about your job. Taking some time to yourself sounds like a great idea. You’re definitely not a failure. We’ve all lost jobs before, and we’ve all felt uncertain at times. I’m glad this helped–and I wish you much peace as embark upon this next chapter in your life!
Thanks, Sarah, and you’re most welcome! Love and light back to you! =)
You’re most welcome. I’m glad I’ve helped lighten your burden a little. =)
Thanks, Gabriel, and you’re most welcome!
What a beautiful quote! It’s such a relief to consider that there’s nothing wrong with wherever we are–and that maybe, it’s exactly where we need to be.
You’re most welcome! I love that–a grand series of experiments. I think of life in a very similar way. I hope to look back on my life and see a melange of different places, different experiences, and different people. That’s what matters most to me: that the adventure continues, and I continually live in the question of what could be.
I need to add a tumblr button with the other social media ones–thanks for reminding me!
Thanks so much, Emily–I’m glad you enjoy my posts. And you’re most welcome. I’m excited for you and your new possibilities! =)
Great article Lori. Very encouraging!
Thanks so much!
You totally read my mind with this post Lori – it’s exactly how I am feeling and the place I am in now! I’m going to print it out and keep it – thank you!:)
You’re most welcome!
Thank you soo much for this article. Everything you wrote is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I am so thankful to you for writing it, because it lets me know that im not the only one experiencing these feelings. I felt a sense of calm as soon as finished reading this. thanks again and god bless.
You’re most welcome! You’re definitely not alone. I’m thrilled to know this helped you in this way. =)
Everything we do matters.
Sometimes we don’t have the energy for giant leaps.
We need a break.
Zoom out. Let the little things matter for a while.
It’s the little things that fill in the cracks.
Loved this post, especially –
“But sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you don’t take, leaving yourself open for choices that better align with your own values and priorities.
I know this may sound as impossible as growing another lung, but try not to worry so much about what other people might think. They may have expectations, but they aren’t living inside your mind, or feeling your instincts.
The only one who can make wise decisions for you is you, and even if it makes you feel anxious at times, you will eventually thank yourself for being brave enough to follow your heart, not someone else’s head.”
I was offered a job last week, I’ve been unemployed for 3 months and studying psychology. I needed that job, but something screamed at me, don’t take it!! It was a very strong feeling. I asked myself, would I want this person to be my mentor, is their practice the way I would want my practice to operate, feel and present. Is it what I would want the first impressions of my practice to be? My answer was no to all of those questions. So, I said thanks, but no thanks and back to the drawing board for me. Everyone was saying “just do it for the experience, you can leave when you’ve had enough or don’t like it” but the feeling of no was too strong for me. The relief I felt when I told them, was enough for me to know I made the right decision for me. I’m in the second year of a six year long road to changing my career and life purpose (at 39 yrs old!) and it’s articles like these that keep me going, and know that I am on the right path. Thanks Lori.
“This moment isn’t merely the bridge to where you want to be. This moment—this crucial part of the process—”
When I feel like I’m just sitting here… making no improvements whatsoever, hoping that my attempts will succeed, I think of it as the time that needs to pass for me to get where I want to be. It’s so hard for me to enjoy THIS moment, when I feel it’s not good enough… not where I want to be. Of course, this stems from my thoughts that everything has to be “perfect.”
If only I can learn how to live in this moment….living it just as happy as I would live the moments in my life of success & contentment… I would enjoy life so much more and realize ‘now’ is where I’ll always be.
Wow. Talk about hitting home. I need I be easier on myself and stop worrying about reaching that “place” that does not exist. I need to really find a way to lose my anxiety about the past, future, and my current place in life. Thank you for easing my mind some on a very long, stressing day.
Hello Lori,
I am currently facing a difficult situation dealing with my future and career.This article describes some of my current feelings. You mentioned that sometimes we don’t need to know our destination in life and just be present; that we have unlimited time to change and evolve. I must admit that I am so scare of failure, to the point that I sometimes force myself to do things just to prevent the pain that it might cause me, and I feel that to so many of us money and other social factors limit our evolution. Now I feel that my calling has evolved and my interest do not match my “calling” which I have known since I was a little girl. I am currently in college and as you now most of the time as student we live in the future. My question is, what can we do ( like a daily exercise) to let go of these bad behaviors and ideas? How do I surrender the future and let go of the image that I had for myself?
Thank you very much, it is a difficult process but your article helps a lot 🙂