“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown
Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…says Lady Liberty. She was speaking to immigrants wanting to start a new promised life in America, but those words could be my tagline for the men I have had my most intimate relationships with.
If you were broken, emotionally unavailable, complicated, and confused, I was your girl.
I would love you more than you loved yourself, or could love me.
I would put all my energy into trying to make it work, trying to help you heal, but I would abandon my own needs or truth in the process, because the desire to recognize or honor my own worth was not as strong as it was for me to show you yours.
Was I aware of this pattern? Perhaps on a superficial level, but it didn’t truly emerge until I ended my most recent long-term relationship last summer.
One day the light bulb turned on as I went from six years with a man I was engaged to marry (and before that in an eleven-year relationship that sucked my soul dry) to an emotional affair that had left me more raw and exposed than before.
I was the common denominator in this series of events, but what was I contributing that left my soul and heart so ravaged?
I devoted the summer of 2013 to unraveling this mystery. I was done with repeating the same outcome just with a different man.
My search took me back to my childhood, as it would inevitably for all of us adults struggling with conditioning or behavior that we just can’t seem to let go, even though it does nothing to serve our higher purpose.
My relationship with my mother could be described as a fractured one, at best. She too was broken from her childhood experiences, which shaped her choices, mostly the not-so-good ones as she aged. The difference is, she chose to stay in that place of unhealing and unawareness, whereas I knew better.
Through my teens and early adulthood, I struggled with trying to understand her choices, her inability to love me and support me the way that I needed.
I was not brought up to understand my intrinsic worth, to know what a healthy and nurturing relationship looks like and, most importantly, that I deserved to be in one.
I turned to the metaphysical, spirituality, and yoga to shed light on what I just couldn’t see.
With each year, I was able to piece together a little more of my toolkit for understanding, but the toolkit my mother gave me for tolerating emotional unavailability and abandonment in my closest relationships seemed to win out.
I could support, tell all those around me in their darkest days how beautiful, how amazing they were, but when it came to myself, those words were like bitter-tasting medicine that I just couldn’t swallow.
Subconsciously, I ached for my partner to help heal me—to echo the sentiment I would bestow to them—but it never came in the quantity or consistency that I required. And it never would if I kept looking outside myself. It was a vicious cycle that had to end.
Then one day it became clear. Through my search, which I was fiercely committed to, I came upon a psychological term coined by Freud: repetition compulsion. The trumpets sounded, the lights turned on, and in that moment it all made sense.
Repetition compulsion is an “inherent, primordial tendency in the unconscious that impels the individual to repeat certain actions, in particular, the most painful or destructive ones.”
Usually, it stems from an unhealed relationship with a parent. So in adult life, we’ll attempt to heal the traumatic event that took place as a child through intimate adult relationships, but the outcome will end up the same.
It never occurred to me that my relationship with my mother, and all the hurt it brought, would ever affect my adult relationships with men.
My father and I were very close; he was a friend, a rock in my life. But even so, I kept finding the same man drawn to me or I drawn to them. In essence, they were emotional replicas of my mother.
I was not brought up with clear emotional boundaries or the ability to validate my own worth—not on the level I required to be a strong, confident woman. I flailed. I would have bursts of drive and chutzpah at times, but I spent most of my energy feeling not good enough, not lovable enough, not worthy enough.
I talked myself out of many opportunities or shied away from experiences because of my inner demons. In a nutshell, I sold myself really short.
Armed with this new knowledge, I consulted with a counselor to understand further. In a few sessions and with more reading as the summer wore on, I came to that place of healing.
I saw, objectively, what had happened and what I wanted to and needed to do differently to end the cycle. This education was put to the test this past winter when I ventured into a new relationship that had great promise.
All my old fears came up, fears of being emotionally abandoned. And when it looked like the same thing was happening again, I did something that I didn’t know I could do. I said no. No to repeating the same mistake. I set my boundaries, I stated my worth, and I was prepared to walk away.
I spoke my truth and came from an authentic place when communicating with this newest partner. It mattered not if he understood or heard me; it only mattered that I said what I did and took responsibility for my own outcome instead of placing the power in the hands of another.
In the end, he did understand, and I was heard. Although we did part ways, I was left with more clarity than I ever had before.
I don’t regret the path taken or the experiences had, including the heartaches. For each one brought me to this point. The point of seeing my intrinsic worth, something we all are born with.
We must nurture it firstly within before it will be mirrored to us fully. It’s not about being defined by ego or conceit, but knowing, from an inner wisdom, that others cannot define the value we all possess; only we can do that.
That being said, I’m still human, and sometimes I catch myself falling into that old, familiar pattern. But before I fall too deep, I bring myself up again. I cannot undo the past, but I certainly can lay the groundwork for my present and my future, cultivating fertile soil where my needs are nurtured and my worth is evident.
I do not have to fear being emotionally abandoned by another, because I won’t abandon myself anymore. So now the tagline reads, I can help show you your worth, not because yours is more important, but because I firstly see and honor my own.
Alone in the woods image via Shutterstock
About Barb Smeltzer
Barb Smeltzer is a social change agent by day in corporate philanthropy. in her off time she is a writer on mind/body topics, registered yoga teacher, avid traveller and a practitioner of authenticity. Through writing she sets out to inspire others to live their truth, in light and love.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Barb!
Thank you so much for speaking your truth and sharing this article. I am posting my first comment after an emotional read of your brave and vulnerable words. Reading your words has definitely reflected light and love back in my life in an area it is sorely, sorely needed. I’m just now grappling with the hard truth of acknowledging that my mother emotionally neglected and abandoned me throughout my life and still does, and I’ve hit such an angry wall as I live with her presently and am struggling to accept this abusive element of my upbringing while seeing her everyday. I’m working hard on efforts to move away very soon and have become sad, too, that even leaving will not magically present the emotional availability in our relationship I had needed and wanted for so long. It hurts, especially when she will say she wants me to see my worth and not have such low self-esteem when I’m ready to scream that I’m only mirroring what she’s shown me.
But you echo so much of the self-help advice that I’ve been pouring over, that resonates in me so deeply, to find the strength to fully live in myself and my power for the first time, and that I do have a right to establish boundaries without being guilted or shamed, and I do have a right to validate myself and not seeking anyone else to validate my worth. That my judgment can be law is so new to me when I’ve been trying to be positively judged by others for forever. I’m accepting that I am my authority now, and I don’t have to live in a mental prison of the past regretting and mourning. That I can have fun and have a right to nurture myself with all the beautiful accomplishments and learning lessons that entails without beating myself up. The constant envy, the jealousy, the defensive emotional attachment–my mother’s stubborn choice not to listen or see my heart and take no responsibility for the wounds she caused (mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical) explains these struggles of my light, but my being the parent, friend, and great love of myself will protect that light, make it flourish and grow until the shadows are just flickers nearby and not extinguishers.
Tears have come into my eyes writing this. I long to be a writer too, and this is such an inspiration to me, the level of emotional availability you have reached in your writing despite having these similar pains as me. I had been losing my hope with no social support to be found around me except in the company of myself. I had felt so weathered, like a ship lost at sea, with the realization that one abusive parent wasn’t enough, and that I have two doozies of a folk to deal with in hurting my worth. The fact that I’m not alone, that you’ve captured the pain of this experience and the beauty of accepting it in your life’s story and the growing in your power and the joy and fun of your wellness regardless brings such hope to my heart. I’m saying, “no” now too. I’m at the beginning stages of this rocky ride through, but your words are and will be light in my times of bitter hopelessness, and I can’t thank you enough for your courageous sharing and inspiration. It has helped me greatly acknowledge that I was let down by others, I was, yes, but I can always always always find beauty and solace in not letting myself down and not abandoning the worthy care and keeping of my heart. :’)
Wow. This is exactly what I needed to read today. This line in particular resonates with me: Subconsciously, I ached for my partner to help heal me—to echo the sentiment I would bestow to them—but it never came in the quantity or consistency that I required. And it never would if I kept looking outside myself. It was a vicious cycle that had to end.
I’ve been staring at my phone all morning waiting for texts of reassurance. Thank you for so perfectly expressing everything in my heart today.
Wonderful post! Spoke to me for sure, the sane tendencies that I have been working to shift as well. I love the wrap up in the last paragraph! “because I won’t abandon me anymore” Beautiful!
This is me. On every level. Having grown up with a father who was emotionally unavailable I have always fallen for men who exhibit that same trait. Giving my everything, trying to get them to like me, see me, make me whole. Needing to have that connection which never was and never will be.
No more. NO MORE.
Last weekend was my wake up call when I became furious at a man for not showing up at an event when he had promised friends to do so. How could he do something like that to those great people!? Not cool. In that instant I realised: this was exactly how he had treated me the whole year while we were having a fling. But eventhough I knew it wasn’t right, and I was hurt over and over again I just swallowed and took every crumb I could get from him. Letting it be and with every speed bump just upping my efforts, giving even more. Tomorrow would be the day when he would SEE ME!
My friends were worth so much, but myself? I did not have any of it in my own eyes.
Sigh.
I could have wrote that. wow. fabulous
Preaaaaach. I’ve been learning the same lesson my entire life, only with pretty much everything. Career, friends, romantic relationships…screwed everything up because of my parents’ divorce. I’ve always felt like I had to apologize for just existing! I’ve never felt worthy. Such a sad way to live, and yet I consciously denied myself happiness for decades because I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy. Well, no more! It’s never too late right? 🙂
Hi Barb, your words pierced straight to my soul. Thank you for your authenticity. As I navigate through my current relationships, I consistently struggle to know my worth as I, too, was not taught that when growing up.
Would you be able to share the books that you read that helped you on your journey? Again…thank you!
Hi Barb, your words pierced straight to my soul. Thank you for your authenticity. As I navigate through my current relationships, I consistently struggle to know and express my worth as I, too, was not taught that when growing up.
Would you be able to share the books that you read that helped you on your journey? Again…thank you!
Hello, thank you for taking the time to reply with such honest and raw emotion that is equal to my post. I did intend for my experience, learning and wisdom to be a light for others…and I am so very touched that you see it that way. It is a process not an event to come to that place of healing, so always keep that in mind.
I began this journey whey I was ten, and nearly two decades plus later I have arrived at a place of peace and acceptance. I can only offer further guidance based on my path that it is key to have a good mental health practitioner or life coach to help support. My counselor helped me see that I indeed had a toolkit for high tolerance of emotional unavailability in others, something that didn’t register completely until I talked it out with her.
So continue your work and know that if your self love and self worth are your first priority you will begin to attract like minded people in to your life, they will help you on your path of healing. Since you have experienced this as well you will be able to light the way for others.
I wish you much blessings and healing on your path.
Be gentle with yourself Anna. Those of us who tolerate so little when it comes to treatment of others but so much when it comes to ourselves have big, caring and nurturing spirits. It is a gift and one that should be honored. The fact you are aware of this behavior and that you deserve better is the first step…it is a process and not an event as I say.
One thing I learned is when I started to treat myself with the highest regard like I would treat others my energy vibration rose to a higher level, and those emotional vampires as I refer to them can’t be in my field anymore. The fact you can say no more now means your taking the first step on the same path.
Thank you! That is one of my favorite pieces as well..ties it all in 🙂
Thank you Kathy! I am so pleased that my authenticity on such a painful subject/experience resonated for you. I definitely recommend the following books as they helped me tremendously on this path:
Return to Love by Marianne Williamson – this became a bible for me
A Woman’s Worth by Marianne Williamson – invaluable!
Solemate by Lauren Mackler – great perspective
The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori – this is where my journey began
When You Think You’re Not Enough by Daphne Rose Kingma – love, love her!
Hi Brooke! I believe the universe sends us the right messages at the right time. I am so happy my writing was the message you needed today. The text message vortex is a mind torture for sure, we have all been there…
Hey Barb that was a very vulnerable post, congratulations for being able to put that out there in public.
For guys there is something called “Nice Guy Syndrome” (coined by the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy!, Dr. Robert Glover) where men cannot set boundaries, fail in sexual relationships, are afraid of their masculinity, and have a terrible time feeling good about themselves.
I suffered from it and still suffer from this at times, but am far better than ever.
Your writing about self-worth really hit me, because combined with my Nice Guy-ism, and being bullied as a kid, I had a hole in me that I did not know how to fill. It was only when I started loving myself (as hippy-ish) as it sounds, and being FAR kinder to myself… did things get a lot better.
Then boundaries started getting set, Nos were said, and so on… I started valuing myself and not allowing people to walk all over me.
All of my relationships drastically improved – with friends, family, and with dating partners.
The more healthier we are as individuals, the more ready we are to date and deal with others.
If you haven’t already, I would read Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly, which talks about how shame hurts us all and can be healed with vulnerability which requires strength – something you obviously have.
Best of luck with the future and all your relationships. I hope they make you incredibly happy :).
Right 🙂 Today is what counts, it will build your tomorrows.
Thank you Noam for your feedback 🙂 Men and women alike can find themselves in this very situation, I know some men who are affected by that Mr. Nice Guy Syndrome.
It is amazing how what is happening internally is mirrored externally…being able to say no in a powerful way for your own sake is a beautiful thing. Thank you for the book recommendation, I will check it out.
I posted the books I found helpful in one of the other comment replies but I can’t recommend enough Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. That book, for me, is a great healer and allowed my heart to be open all the while going through some painful emotional experiences. I was able to come from a place of love and peace and see that all of us have emotional wounds, whether we are aware or not.
I have no doubt my next intimate relationship will be a happy one and full of great love – because I right now, on my own, am full of both of those 🙂
All the best to you on your journey as well.
This article is me to a tee. Thank you for giving me something to think about and for articulating your experiences so genuinely.
Matt
Thank you for writing this! I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 7 years and left 7 months ago. I realized this week that he wasn’t capable of loving me in the way I desperately wanted. I gave all of my energy to him, trying to fix him. Now I know I can only fix myself. It’s been a huge relief to come to that understanding and your words came at the perfect time!
Great article, thank you for sharing:)
I am going through feelings similar to the ones you mentioned in the article. But how did you “cultivate your fertile soil”? I’m trying to speak up for myself but whatever I say ends up falling on deaf ears. Can you suggest any changes (that aren’t very drastic) in one’s behavior to stop attracting the wrong kind of people?
Barb. Oh my goodness. I was meant to see this today – this literally was like a smack in the face (in a good way). Wow. Thank you for posting this. This is my light bulb moment.
I had a bad relationship with my late father. And only recently the penny dropped.
This blog made me realize, once again, I keep repeating the same mistakes, until I’ve learned my lesson. I’m a slow pupil, but it’s the same with Maths.While at school, I couldn’t wrap my head around it, but now I would pass with flying clolours…
A VERY dense and INTENSE book that can help is Journey From Heartbreak To Connection by Susan Anderson. I think it runs around 400 pages though but it is all inner child and emotional exercise-based. It was written for people who have been through break ups but I found it INCREDIBLY useful at the time…
Though a bit of it was avoidance too :p.
Nice article, except for the bullshit about having a higher purpose. Nothing will stress you out more than thinking you have fulfill some enigmatic, mysterious “higher” purpose.
I believe that a large part of the work in dealing with pain in our past is forgiveness. I had to learn to forgive (not forget) my childhood hurts, and then start forgiving myself for the pain I have subsequently caused others and ultimately to myself. It was only then that I began to honor and speak my truth, let go of toxic relationships before they could even take root, and be open to accepting love and support that comes from a place that is genuine, honest, and simple.
Hi thank you for sharing your story. Honestly, reading this, I could have written it myself! My mother left us when I was nine. I was never taught how to see my own worth and how to love myself so I grew up thinking and believing I was unloveable although I was not consciously aware of this at the time. I too entered into relationships with men who had issues and I neglected myself in the process. I didn’t begin my healing journey until I was in my mid twenties. I, like you still have days where I get echos of past patterns but I guess the key is that I’m aware now of when that is happening so I can make a different choice. I now have a one year old daughter and I promised her on the night she was born that I will be emotionally and physically present for her and i will teach her about self love, self care, healthy relationships and boundaries so she doesn’t go through the hell I did. Thank you for your story its comforting to hear other experiences and feel like I’m not alone in my journey! X
It seems it’s too late for me to learn this concept that I have any worth. I’ve just ruined another relationship. Became the doormat, the bank for all expenses and I realize how I need so much reassurance of others feelings for me. I give and give and then lose as someone else is controlling me instead of me guiding myself. I hate myself, will never be good enough and will die lonely because I clearly am a doormat.
Dear Barb,
thank you so much for your beautiful words…. I’ve been sitting still the last few years re-looking at the pattern of my relationships and seeing so much of what you have described so richly in your article…. Feeling the healing of connecting to someone else’s sharing has really moved me. I feel inspired to be braver, both in sharing my story and my learning, and in standing in my own worth….with deep gratitude and respect, thank you for your authenticity.
may your light shine brighter every day!!!! and mine!!!! and everyone’s !!! Fiona
I think often on how we as growing women can be gracious in our relationships with the men we love… my hurt has often overflowed and in lack of clarity, I have blamed the man i’ve loved, for not being more, for not seeing more, for not having a greater capacity to be there for me in the way I have thought I needed….i feel i have left my partner, and father of my children, further crippled and wounded…. if you have any words on healing what has happened in the past…or any advice on how to offer back to someone we have hurt, ???
with love Fiona
I had to read this today. In the middle of a divorce after 10 years. Doing everything I felt I could for the relationship, and even more, and having been cheated on for a year as I accidentally found out. Saw the signs believed what HE said, and I tolerated his disinterest in me, tried to “make it up” for whatever it was. I put everything he wanted first, I even “forgot” what type of food I like. I felt everything was my fault, and that he was great and I was not enough for him. Now that I am alone, started to think about that I repeated my mother’s weak and victim-like attitude. First I thought that being understanding and forgiving and being there for someone is a bad thing and should not have done what. But probably it is not the case, these are qualities that all my friends appreciate in me. It is that he did not see them as values and I have not seen as values within me either. I have gone out of my way to appreciate his actions, took interest in whatever he was engaged in. He always let me do whatever I wanted but had no interest in them, was kind of insensitive at times too. When I realized that he became distant, I did try to get closer and everything I could think of. He didn’t. As he is genuinely a kind person, although very withdrawn, sometimes I could not put my finger on what was wrong. And when I found out about the cheating, or rather the affair, and I felt really hurt, he was telling me that I was not humble enough in my reaction. And I still tried to understand him, still made his food etc. while feeling deeply, deeply hurt as all the things that I expained away as his being tired, working too much, was for him finding someone else more interesting. I gave way to my instinctive reaction and told him to move out of my house. He was not even in love with this woman, but felt he had “right” to do whatever he wanted or felt like. I am alone for a couple of months, have my ups and downs but better to live in a clean and decent relationship – even if it is with myself – than in a strange and hard to explain connection. I still love him as a person and can’t hold grudges. But I think this is a good find, through your writing, that what I thought as a mistake (being too emphatic, helpful, understanding etc) is in fact good traits but if someone does not value them, could be easily abused. However, I cannot change my personalty so I cannot say that I will change myself in this respect, but have to realize that not everyone appreciates people like me in their lives. So thank you for writing your experience down.
And yet the message you received the other day, you decided you didn’t agree with, so you deleted it. Seems you are the one deciding which are the ‘right’ messages. This is all new age bs.
I think the path to “cultivate fertile soil” is really about allowing yourself to recognize and honor the fact you deserve better. It starts with perception. I can’t say anyone thing brought me to that point, all of my experience created that learning. What I can say, is that saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear is quite accurate. For me that came with one day just realizing I wanted and could have better.
The reason what you are saying is falling on deaf ears is due to the fact that you operate at a higher vibration, meaning, those that aren’t at the same level will never give you what you are asking for. So you have two choices; accept them and what is knowing that you cannot change them or walk away completely. I came to a great place of peace when I did that with my mother. I accept her and have compassion for she is a wounded soul but that doesn’t mean I will tolerate her bad behavior. I have very limited contact with her, it’s a choice I made so I could be in a better space.
The books I mentioned in another reply are really a great help and of course working with a counselor or life coach. I hope these suggestions are useful 🙂
Hi Annie, I am so happy to hear these words found their way to you at the right time. I believe the universe always gives us what we need when we need it 🙂
Thank you Helen for your post. As a new mother, the fact you are aware and conscious of wanting to give your daughter what you didn’t have is a very beautiful thing. You most certainly are not alone on this journey, and take comfort in the fact that because you experienced what you did you are better equipped to know there is a better way, for your sake and your daughter’s. She is fortunate to have you as her mom 🙂
Gigi, it is never too late. Every day we are given the opportunity to start anew, to make different choices. Change begins and ends with you. Right now, you may be in dark place but there is always light if you look for it. It’s important to have a support network and that includes looking to professionals in the mental health/wellness field to help. I know my sessions with my counselor were invaluable and shaped my perspective on how I see things today. It’s important to surround yourself with as much love, kindness and compassion as you can – we are all worthy of these things, it just sometimes takes time to see it. Much blessings on your path.
Betty, it is very true that being empathetic, helpful and understanding are gifts to share with others. Yes, sometimes those gifts are misused and abused. However, we need more people like that in the world, not less. So no, you cannot change the baseline of who you are and nor would you want to. It sounds like from your experience you are clear about that and knowing you deserve better. It took me a long time to learn that people can only rise to the level they are at, only do what they know how to do until they know better. Blessings to you.
Fiona, thank you for your kind words and I am so pleased that my journey has moved you so much. Someone once shared a very truthful and profound quote with me “Hurt people, only hurt people”. Knowing that is fact, then know that when we are not at our best, not getting our needs met or our soul nurtured, we do sometimes unintentionally hurt the ones we love.
People can only give what they have to give. This doesn’t make it wrong, it just is. So the first step, from my experience, is to recognize that when you caused hurt to someone else that you were hurting yourself at the time otherwise you would have not hurt them. Forgiveness for yourself is key. Speaking authentically, without agenda or condition, tell your partner where you are coming from and what you have learned.
The outcome of whether they forgive you are not is not your concern but the act of asking for forgiveness is. Forgiveness is freedom from an emotional prison. You can’t change the past and you can’t control the future, you can only work with today and everyday you have a choice to come from a place of love or fear.
So shine your light and love and be gentle with yourself. Blessings to you.
I am sorry, what message are you referring to? I have not deleted anything to my knowledge. If there was a question you had I would be happy to answer.
Wow, this article really hit home for me. I also have a mother that did not give me the tools and love I needed as a child to become a strong, whole person. And a father that suffered from PSD, so it has been a rough journey for me. But I have, through therapy, been able to become a better person and I am still healing. Lately I have become aware of the relationships in my life that was like a poison for me, and I will not let people who behave like that be a part of my life anymore.
Thank you for an insightful peace of writing 🙂
I am dealing with lots of emotional changes in me. Like many, I always felt that I did not receive enough love during my childhood. My mom was a single mom, working multiple jobs to feed us, and because of the stress and the lack of love and support when she was little, she could never really show us love. My dad left her when I was 4 weeks old for another woman, and though he came to visit, I never really felt he loved me. I have a lot of issues, and today I am married to a man who is really good, but who cannot give me the type of love I need. I know he loves me, but for the most part, it seems like he is not really available for me emotionally. Your blog helped me realized that my problem is that I was expecting him to take care of my emotional needs, and to give me the love I craved. Now I realized, that no one can do that for me, I have to do it for myself.
Thank you for writing this, and for sharing it with us. As you said, I have to make sure to not abandon myself, since I cannot count on anyone else.
Hi Barb,
Thank you so much for sharing, I am going through a rough path in my life right now where i am just starting to realize that i havent taken care of myself since ever. Your words were like a sword in my heart, Sometimes i think i cant go through anything, but then i read cases like yours and it gives me hope. Thanks!
This is where im having a very tough time. 5 months ago i told my wife she had to go… we had a 4 year long distance relationship (she comuted because of her job/career choices) and we had practically a very loose comunication, it was a personal hell for me, i grew resentful of her not having little or any attention towards me, specially because i agreed to her comuting in hopes one day she would get transfered were we were gonna end up living wich is my hometown. The story is long and complicated… but after 4 years i finally took the step and “let her go”. It has been 5 months and counting, im not really hoping she comes back, we are not compatible and were both stubborn but i consider myself as a person that can come to an agreement instead of your wish or order. She left and life stood still on my behalf…
She has moved on apparently… and it’s “great” because i let her go do her thing, she was allready on the road when i came in her life and plans…
i found out with my therapist that i have Abandonment issues… and that has helped me a lot… but this article is what i have been living for the last 15 years… My depression is hair triggered… i don’t like what i do for a living and am scared to do anything else and also don’t have a clue what to do even if i want to do something else.
I get scared when im depressed because my thoughts are suicidal… and im scared that someday it becomes more than a temptation… the thing i’ve been told the most that makes me angrier than anything: “you are in this situation because you want”… i completly disagree.
Your articles have helped me a lot in these couple of months and let me tell you keeping my head up… having a better attitude takes all my strength… and its getting to me… im not giving up, but, im starting to get fed up… i wish and i want to be different… but my mind thinks otherwise hehehe
Hi Barb, I’m a Christian and as I read tears fell out of my eyes. Growing up I never had the male figure to standard by me, I have a great mother but Based on how she was grown I don’t get the love I need from her. Honestly I don’t know my worth, I love to inspire and bring joy to people but when it comes onto me I never feel beautiful. If someone tells me I’m ugly I believe them without a doubt. I’ve Been in a few relationships and when the guy doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful or he loves me I get miserable. Barb, it’s constant struggle, when no one talks to me or message me, etc. I feel abandoned, alone. I want to get out of this so badly. I want to stop abandoning myself because I know I’m purposeful.
Barb, bless you and thank you. I intend to use this right away against the actors I deal with on a daily basis. More vicious and skilled emotional vampires you will never find than male Hollywood actors. I was subconsciously hunting for stronger techniques to use to protect myself, and lo and behold I find your comment. Super thanks.
What makes me angry is American women are literally brainwashed and trained from birth to become where Iamtrying currently is. It’s to make life and sex easier for the men these women are being groomed as if by predators to blindly serve. It’s no different from the way pedophiles groom their targets, except children have an advantage: society does not accept pedophiliac grooming, brainwashing and targeting.
It very much accepts doing these things to women, however. And it starts with Disney, frankly. Disney, then peer pressure at school, spearheaded by the Queen Bee Mean Girl, her corporate clothes and slutty appearance. We have GOT to rescue girls from this hazing and re-education NOW.
Goddess help us.
Seriously. I Am Trying, ask yourself if you’d tell your little girl daughter this man’s treatment is okay. Oh no? You wouldn’t? Then what would you tell her to do right now, tonight, right away?
DO THOSE THINGS
If you want him to send the text you desire, what never fails is getting over him and announcing that to his best friend or mother, then taking your first irrevocable steps into a new man.
Do the above, then check your phone. He always has just sent the text you thought you wanted, right about 2 to 5 minutes just before you ended things with him. This happened again to me last night! But I’m not turning back. You see, I far too well remember his conduct over the last eight months. He had his gd chance.
He’s toast, folks.
Honestly, I am at a loss for words. I am left speechless by the tightness in my chest as I read this. This is totally me, but I had a great and still do have a great relationship with my parents, so I am unsure where my issues stem from.
yes you have the gift of being a writer you are very good at expressing yourself in writing it takes one to know one you express yourself like i do in writing god can take your ashes and turn them into beauty , you will also be able to help others because of your journey of understanding of your childhood trauma. GOD BLESS YOU!!
This was so helpful to read. Im 20 and have a what only can be described as functional relationship with my mum. I have never met my dad. At aged 8 I moved to a Boarding school after spending a lot of my childhood between a childminder and my grandfather for weeks at a time as they believed if she didnt see me she would eventually miss me enough to care correctly, ive recently found out my mum tried to kill herself whilst i was at school and I never knew. Ive been talking to a counsellor about it and she has described it as abandonment and that i am now in grief as it comes under a kind of loss. Luckily i think i have had plenty of positive role models and i can recognise that i can be different. But I feel like everything youve said relates exactly to me.
Ive found ive become quite needy in what is now my first proper relationship, its been around a year and a half, do people ever really understand it and you? I feel like i can’t explain it most of the time. Do you have any advice? Because its like building yourself up from scratch and with no real support.
This article really spoke to me. I didn’t have an absentee mother, though, I had an absentee father. And this has affected my relationships with men throughout my life, and I am just now realizing this. I have had more unrequited love than I care to recall. Thank you.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. It’s amazing how different people can share so similar experiences. I saw myself so much in it. Your experience gives me hope.