“Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.” ~Cecilia Ahern
This post is written by three people from different parts of the world who came together to share their story of family estrangement and their choice not to reconcile.
To the outside world, it seemed none of us were neglected. Our parents were well-educated. We grew up in decent homes, were given good educational opportunities, and had financial support. We looked like we came from perfect families, but….
Jen’s Story
On March 24, 2019, I received a chilling text from my sister that Grandma was found unconscious in her home and rushed to the hospital. Her pancreatic cancer had progressed, and it seemed the time Grandma had left was like grains of sand in an hourglass.
From that moment on, all I could think about was how much I wanted to tell my grandma I loved her, to hold her hand, and to share how grateful I was for all of her love despite being estranged from my parents.
Without thinking, I quickly jumped into action. As my husband helped me book flights and accommodations, I canceled appointments and made arrangements to make up the work I’d miss so I could spend my grandmother’s final breaths with her.
At the airport, I made notes about all the things I wanted to tell Grandma. Would I get to see her, or would I be too late? While these thoughts raced through my mind, my sister continued to text me a very grim picture. My thoughts punched me in the stomach as I reminisced over the ways Grandma had made my life wonderful.
When I was growing up, Grandma was the parent I looked up to. She always had a creative solution for everything. I called her when I felt down, when I needed advice, or when something good happened in my life because she always shared my joy. I always felt encouraged, and so I truly aspired to be like her.
Because I was so focused on reminiscing on our wonderful times, I didn’t stop to consider the reality of seeing my parents again. At that point, I had not seen them since 2004, had grieved the loss of them in silence as if they had died, and had tried to heal the wounds of an abusive childhood.
When I entered my grandmother’s hospital room, her eyes were closed, and she looked very gray. I took this moment in, just being alone with her, and then suddenly she opened her eyes. I could see her face fill with so much joy, but then just as quickly it suddenly turned to intense rage.
“You are the last person I wanted to see!” she exclaimed, pulling the blankets around herself. “What if you run into your mother—what if you upset the family?”
I was stunned. I hadn’t thought of any of these things because my mind was so focused on her.
“Would you like me to leave?” I whispered.
“No dear, I am glad that you’re here, but I don’t want you upsetting the family.”
My grandmother was right. I hadn’t taken the time to reflect on how I would respond to seeing my parents again, what I’d say, or how I’d choose to engage with them. I also hadn’t considered how they might engage with me.
No sooner than I realized this, suddenly, my mother walked past my grandmother’s hospital room. Without thinking, I rushed over to hug her. I asked her if she was okay with me being there, and we had a short, respectful conversation.
But, after our interaction, I began to feel physically ill. My body tightened, and I found it hard to breathe properly. Feelings of deep longing washed over me, and I found myself fantasizing about having a supportive adult relationship with both of my parents again.
Later that day, in a flight of emotion, I called my parents and had a decent conversation with my father. I gave him my phone number and told him I would be willing to reconnect again. Looking back, I see this was a detrimental mistake—a mistake that filled me with hurt and longing.
During my visit, I noticed when I was not with my grandmother, I became preoccupied with false hope. A strong desire came over me wishing my parents would call me. I was hoping they’d also apologize for the hurt that they had caused me over the course of my life, and that this time, maybe things would be different. I fantasized about my parents taking an interest in my life without judgment.
Had I really taken the time to reflect on how I would respond to the situation away from the emotion of the moment, I would not have gotten caught up in false hope or fairy-tale notions of reconciliation.
I would have thought back to why I made the choice to cut off contact with my parents in the first place, and that door would have forever remained closed. I would have accepted that behind that door is a past that has shaped me, that continues to haunt me, and still has some power to hurt me in the present if I were to open it again.
Magdalena’s Story
My phone pinged in December 2019 notifying me of a text message. I jumped a little, and then even more so when I realized that the message was from Dad. I pressed the “Read” button cautiously:
“Is it possible we can meet up face-to-face to talk about this situation?” the message asked.
For a moment, I thought it sounded like a reasonable request, but then all of a sudden, a million emotions raced through my body like fear, hope, anger, longing, and worry.
Prior to receiving Dad’s text, I had become increasingly aware over the years that my relationship with my parents hadn’t been healthy. My parents’ reactions to challenges had ranged from threats of suicide and physical threats of violence against my partner and me to emotional manipulation.
Since I had become a parent myself, it became abundantly clear that my ideas on parenting clashed with theirs, which is not necessarily uncommon; however, I became more aware of the dysfunction within our family and decided to do something about it by choosing limited contact in March 2019.
As I sat there, pondering Dad’s text, I considered lots of scenarios: Could things be different this time? Could we possibly compromise? What could I do to make this easier? But, I also noticed just how cautious I was because, sadly, previous attempts at reconciliation had disintegrated badly into unsolved drama, severe insults, and horrible disrespect.
I regularly felt my parents diminished and ridiculed my concerns. Their sense of entitlement was always so overwhelming, which simply made balanced discussions impossible.
Over the years, I’d been patient with my parents’ dysfunctional behavior and my mother’s mental health, which had significantly deteriorated, but she refused to admit it. My therapist has highlighted several times that, while having a mental health problem is common, it doesn’t excuse poor treatment of others, and therefore, my mother will always be responsible for her actions, both good and bad.
Meanwhile, my father has clearly crumbled under the weight of my mother’s emotional instability, yet he continues to support her unhealthy and dysfunctional behavior as a means of safeguarding himself.
Again, I thought that if I agreed to respond to his text and meet, I would resolve not to engage in any provocations, but rather calmly listen to what they have to say while attempting to positively direct the focus of the conversation. As I sat in trepidation, I felt somewhat hopeful yet wary.
I decided to respond to my father’s text and ask to meet somewhere public to minimize the risk of great drama. My parents agreed and I started to feel hopeful.
Unfortunately, it became clear almost immediately that my mother had an alternative agenda. Almost immediately, she told me I am a disgrace and my own children will one day turn on me as I have on her. She called me an evil witch and a marble-hearted fiend.
The insults she bombarded me with slipped out of her mouth easily and effortlessly leaving me to shake while lowering my head. It was obvious she hated my cool response, and it felt like my father was clueless as to what was happening in front of his eyes.
True-to-form, my father accused me of insulting my mother due to my silence. I explained I had genuinely come to meet them with the hope of starting to build some bridges, and that it felt like, just as my father and I were starting to make those tiny steps, my mother decided to deliver some killer blows, which ultimately derailed everything.
My father told me I am a waste of space and I never had any intention at reconciling at all. Together, they both agreed they’ve created a demon while dramatically walking out of the café. That pretty much concluded the “peace negotiations.”
I sit in a shocked state again. I question, why did I do this to myself again? The answer is, I had fallen prey to my dreams of wanting joyful Christmases with my whole family, as well as wishing for simple picnics in the garden where I had played as a kid.
Now, I just feel stuck. I realize I miss not having parents with all my heart but, I can’t have any contact with them because it is too damaging. It’s time to acknowledge that while relationships can be difficult, healthy relationships don’t play out like this.
CJG’s Story
“Could there ever be a genuine chance of reconciling with my parents,” I asked my therapist in January 2020.
He reminds me, “If you want to reconcile with your family, remember there’ll always be a ‘hit’ for every kiss you get. So, keep in mind, it’s kiss-hit, kiss-hit.” Taking that in, I say, “I’m just too old to take the hits anymore. I only want kisses.
I’ve been estranged from my family since 2018. It’s been an ongoing vacillating back-and-forth of wondering how it would be to reconcile. Estrangement has been the hardest decision I’ve made, but choosing not to reconcile is harder. Despite this struggle, I’ve chosen to remain estranged.
I didn’t think I was unloved as a child because my father was extremely affectionate, said “I love you,” and attended my sporting competitions. Nightly, my mother made sure my homework was done correctly, and we sat down as a family to have homemade dinners cooked by my grandmother or mother.
My household felt every bit “family,” but it was also a place full of tension, unsaid thoughts, extreme stress, debilitating confusion, radical rage, and countless secrets.
Growing up I overlooked the weeks my mother would ignore me for no reason, despite me begging her to tell me how I could fix whatever I’d done. I’d apologize profusely while sobbing and pleading with her to speak to me so I would feel loved again.
Instead, she prided herself on knowing she could ignore an eight-year-old child without any reason. Suddenly, she’d just start talking to me as though nothing had ever happened. And, like most children, I’d forget the pain she’d caused over those weeks.
Nightly, my father watched the Playboy channel on the family television. He’d rush me and my sibling off to bed very early so he could get his fix.
Most nights, I’d have nightmares, groggily walk down the stairs in hopes of some comfort, but would be yelled at instead because I’d caught glimpses of the explicit images my parents were watching. Confused and not soothed, I’d walk back up to my room and wet the bed. The following morning, my father would shout and degrade me for yet another bedwetting incident.
I’ve always been mindful not to shame my parents. I was trained to “never air our dirty laundry.” Yet, it never dawned on me just how much “dirty laundry” we actually had. I didn’t realize what they were so afraid of and why it was imperative to condition us to ensure we were never exposed. I just assumed all the stuff happening in our home happened in everybody’s else’s homes, too.
Parents like mine are more concerned with what the “neighbors think” than how their children feel. They work hard keeping up appearances rather than emotionally supporting their children. They live out the fantasy of having the perfect family while destroying it with double-standards, hypocrisy, betrayal, and cognitive dissonance.
I was actively a part of this family-fantasy till 2018. I ignored physical and emotional cues, as well as frightening memories for years, to be loyal and loving to my family. I focused only on the “good times” and suppressed abuses, covert sabotaging, and extreme enmeshment.
I feel heartbroken and ashamed this is the truth of the family I grew up with and wanted to know for the rest of my days. Despite admitting these truths, I’ll always love them, and that’s what makes it hard not to reconcile.
Our Advice to Readers
If you’re struggling over reconciling, you’re not alone. Your parents helped make this inevitable choice with you through whatever behaviors they exhibited that ultimately brought on the estrangement.
Some advice to remember:
Keep your “why” handy. Write a list of reasons you feel can’t have a relationship with your family. Review this “why” list often. Your “why” may include displays of stonewalling, silent treatment, feeling physically ill after contact with them, severe abuse, covert sabotaging, betrayal, gossiping, enmeshment, and triangulating, for example.
Leave out the “shoulds.” If you’re saying things like, “I should reconcile with my family,” or, “I should reunite because society tells me I should,” then try to feel twice.
Feeling twice is tuning into your body rather than your logic. Here are some ways to help you do that: Close your eyes, place your hand on your stomach or heart. Notice your body’s cues when you think of reconciling. Are your palms sweaty? Is your heart racing? Do you swallow heavily? Do you feel a sense of dread and panic or do you feel a sense of joy and fulfillment over reconciling?
Take your time. It can be hard if you have a family member who is ill, aging, or dying, but it’s important to remember that estrangement did not happen overnight. You made this choice after years of ongoing toxicity and dysfunction. So, go slowly with this process, too.
Be realistic about what could happen if you reconnect and envision honestly the best- and worst-case scenarios. Take time to reflect over a period of weeks. Consulting with a therapist can help, as this process can bring up feelings of pain and longing.
Ask what’s “value-added?” What’s the emotional value added if you reconcile with your parents? What’s the value added if you don’t?
Tune into the truth: Do you see any evidence that the person or people you’re estranged with have grown? Do your values and their values align or not? Will reuniting with them compromise your healing plan?
Lastly, make a list of non-negotiables. Reconciliation can only happen if your family agrees to committing to your list and understands the consequences if they violate your deal-breakers.
We have all walked away from our families of origin, let go of the hope for fairy-tale ending, and fought to discard society’s romanticized notions of reconciliation. We have found peace, our health and well-being have improved, and we all lead happy, meaningful lives. You can too.
About Jen A Hinkkala, Magdalena Silverman, and CJG
The three authors met in the Facebook group Estranged: Support for People Who Do Not Talk to Their Parents. They connected because they noticed in each other a compelling need to share with others that estrangement need not be stigmatized but rather considered a healthy option in order to move forward in life. The authors of this piece have backgrounds in education, mental health, psychology, and the arts.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
The problem with each story is that they don’t know Jesus-Christ. 😪Without Christ it is gloom and doom with no hope for healing. Forgive each other. No one is perfect. We are all hurting and have hurt. Everyone is a sinner. Forgive so that you also shall be forgiven. May you seek the Love and Peace of Jesus-Christ. Call upon Him. May God heal all families that are hurting. Hallelujah! Amen! ✨🙏✨🌟🌹✨✝️✨🌹🌟✨🙏✨
Wow. Thank you for this guys. I’m currently struggling and this helps a lot ❤️
This article really saddened me because they never really say why. My Oldest child is estranged, I know I made many mistakes but I am human. I wish I could fix what was broken but I have accepted that I will never be given the chance. I caution you that it seems that this is happening a lot more than in older generations and I wonder what the impact will be later. I know for me, when I had my own children and they hit their teens and twenties I often called my mother because I felt bad for how I behaved, how judgemental I was when I was the same age. I had a lot of regrets. I think the old wise words, “you will never understand until you walk a mile in my shoes” have a lot of value. As for me I have accepted my daughter’s decision and I do not try to contact her because it is her life and her choice. I do not know why she made this choice she never told me. My other children tell me I am a wonderful mother, I try to believe that and I do as much for them as I can, I try to learn from my mistakes daily, but there will always be a missing piece in my soul for my child who walked away and the question in my heart – why?
I’ve been thinking about estranging my father and reading these three perspectives has been really helpful….. I’ve wanted to estrange him as far back as I can remember and just having moved out, I feel like I can finally make it a reality. I’m hesitant to do so, because it’s a huge decision and after years of verbal and emotional abuse and neglect I find it hard to trust my own decisions. But reading this was very helpful, I’m glad you’ve put these three stories out into the world.
I firmly believe that sometimes Love requires us to end a relationship. At the same time worry if we close a door to hard it becomes a wall to hide behind instead of a healthy boundary. My own experience has shown me how difficult holding the tension between the too can be.
The advice of paying close attention to your stories, watching out for should’s and asking ourselves the hard questions is very important. A book that helped me in that regard is ‘Crucial Conversations’ which I recommend if anyone wants to prepare themselves before engaging with someone that has hurt us.
“Nothing fails like success. In other words, when a challenge in life is met by a response that is equal to it, you have success. But when the challenge moves to a higher level, the old, once successful response no longer works—it fails; thus, nothing fails like success.” ― Kerry Patterson, Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High
Thank you for sharing your stories. Great article!
Interesting article…a bit one sided. There are plenty of estranged parents like myself who could add a different viewpoint.
Thank you for sharing the perspective on an issue which is hardly spoken and written about. But i do believe these are the rare exceptions where the family wasnt a healthy place. A huge lot of parents, mothers like me and waiting to welcome their children back. A new relationship post estrangement requires love, trust and ability to move on with kindness. Going back to these can be a choice, only when its the last resort. I work with and for parents going through estrangement and i know what this pain means for a parent, who faces rejection and continues to send out gifts and love. Great to read your stories. Love and hugs to all of you. Gazal – Milaap, Founder Support for Non Custodial families. https://www.facebook.com/support.milaap/?ref=bookmarks
I have had to walk away and distance myself from certain family members and others who had no regard for myself or my mental wellbeing. I adequate these situations like a puppy who runs up to someone wanted to be accepted and loved then getting smacked a short time later, only to return and have the same scenario occur over and over much to the shagrin of the person inflicting the hurt. Sadly, because of very toxic circumstances I have been part of most of my life, one of the ways I learned to deal with the world is what I call the scorched Earth method of dealing with people. Example, because of the numerous dysfunctional and hurtful relationships I had growing up, when someone came along who sincerely liked me (romantic or otherwise) I would be a total jerk to them trying to push them away not knowing they meant no harm.
Hard as it is, we must accept the fact that some people will never change. We must remember that a growing child is extremely vulnerable and being a parent is an enormous responsibility. No child should be used as a punch bag ( physically mentally or emotionally) , because a parent cannot sort his/her own problems out. It is so very much easier to take it out on a defenceless child than to confront the boss the neighbour the spouse or whoever. I was adopted by a monster who wanted to mould me into the perfect daughter he thought he was entitled to. If I expressed any views of my own, he would lash out. He threatened to kill me if I did not go to college, but would not pay for me to go to the college of my choice as he wanted to keep me at ‘home’ with him and my domineering step mother. My adoptive mother a kind but I think intimidated person, passed away when I was six. He is now dead, but despite all my efforts, I cannot erase the vile memories. If you have broken away from such a person, I beg you to think extremely carefully before you even THINK about getting in touch even in the remotest way. It could set you back in many ways possibly undoing years of therapy/self work leaving you a helpless frightened child again. Whatever your parents problems might have been YOU were not put on God’s earth to solve them.
Thank you for sharing these stories. I recently decided to make the final break with my family of origin after dozens of mini-breaks, decades of mistreatment, little to no support during crucial life events (and this was in times of peace), and an aggressive lack of respect or encouragement for any of my life choices. I am the family black sheep, something that used to be referred to in a joking manner as I was growing up. My mother has untreated mental health issues from trauma she experienced as a young person, and my siblings and I all agree that this is a strong underlying factor in the family dysfunction. Despite this understanding, my sisters and I have very strained relationships, and I am completely estranged from one of them after years of ally-building and triangulation on my mother’s part. My father has allowed all of this to continue as a means of self-preservation. The accepted family narrative is that I am “the cause of all the dysfunction in this family” as my father let me know in an email after one of the many fallings out.
Finally, at the age of 50, I realized that it was time to walk away. I had had enough self-doubt and the obsessive thoughts about rude exchanges every time I saw them. It was not normal to need a drink or a toke every time I was about to go to a family gathering “to take the edge off.” It was not normal to feel physically ill in anticipation of seeing them. I now have a family of my own, and sad to say, that is when I truly realized how the impact of the family dynamics were impacting my physical and mental health. I also did not want to expose my children to this mistreatment as they grew older. It’s not easy being estranged from my family, but for me, there was not other alternative if I wanted to practice self-love or self-respect.
This is so one sided. Very disappointed… I’ve just got out of an abusive 20yr marriage and my ex is narcissistic and revenge seeking for all my wrongs against him.
He knew the only way to get to me was through our daughter who he had emotionally dumped on and manipulated. She has told me…. I am no good for her I feed her nothing but lies and she can’t be anywhere near me if she wants to heal. I have all my friends and family for support and my ex has no one as he is estranged from his family…. So why do I feel like I’m the bad person/parent? I struggle each day with missing my daughter it eats away at me what I should or could have done differently to prevent this….. Bottom line I’m now free from abuse but at the cost of losing my daughter…..
There is no wisdom in this article. How old are you?? I loved, supported, and was always there for my daughter. She is having problems sorting out her life and she blames me…and you encourage it???
It is heartbreaking to love your child only to be blamed and discarded.
It is difficult to trust in relationships when our first and formative connections are unstable or abusive. We develop unhealthy patterns and oftentimes, against our better selves, act out unnecessarily with those who don’t deserve it. The key around this is to develop our reflective awareness around these shadowy aspects of ourselves and learn new patterns. Therapy is instrumental in helping with this as it’s almost impossible to do this alone. Thank you for taking the time to read through our article and we hope it has been useful for you. We really value your insights.
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Definitely curious – what’s that point?
Similar situation as Sonia… I had to go no contact with my mother due to being mistreated on a number of occasions when she was ill. I am in my fifties and waited too long to tell her I would not tolerate it anymore. Had traumatic flashbacks to my childhood being beaten when very young. Left for self preservation. Never heard from her again. No regrets but perhaps I should have confronted her earlier in my life. She missed out on an amazing relationship with a loving daughter which I find impossible to understand.
I understand and applaud your thought. It takes a lot to let go and work towards a new relationship. Both parties need to do that. Till then hugs
If my parents were able to work with someone like you, I would feel overjoyed, but in my situation, they will never seek help or counsel. There is no interest in understanding how things have come to this point. I am not perfect, but I in no way deserve the treatment I have receive for decades. I have come to understand that my designated role as the scapegoat in the family serves to detract from other painful issues. I think most people who choose to walk away after years of a variety of ways of being abused do so with great anguish and difficulty. It is not a decision made easily, but it is one of necessity.
Thank you for taking the time to read our article, we appreciate that this article’s perspective is mainly from the child and I am sure parents also have a viewpoint. However, the purpose of this article was to illustrate our experiences with the view to give a voice to adult-children who are struggling with the breakup from their family. Thank you again for your feedback.
I am so sorry for your experiences with your family. Thank you so much for sharing parts of your story and perspective, and for reading our article too.
Great recommendation, I’ll certainly check it out. It’s terribly painful realising that the kindest act of love, all ’round, is to walk. We hope our stories and advice have resonated with your journey and helps you to move forward too.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, many of us on the support group have felt we haven’t had a voice. Learning that we are not alone can be extremely healing. Thank you for reading and we hope it has offered some further insight.
You’re absolutely right that everyone’s experiences are unique and nuanced. You have described a terribly difficult and painful situation and I’m so sorry to hear this. What you have described is your daughter’s father manipulation of her which has destroyed your relationship with her. This is dreadful for everyone. I hope in time that your situation improves.
I loved, supported, and was always there for my daughter. She is having problems sorting out her life and she blames me…and you encourage it???
It is heartbreaking to love your child only to be blamed and discarded.
Thank you for your response, you have described exactly what many on our support group members say. Many of us have waited patiently and hopefully for the relationships with our families to improve. Unfortunately some families aren’t prepared to reflect and change, roles are assigned to children and breakdown is inevitable. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, glad you found it helpful.
It is a painful read
Being a parent is not easy
Having parents with poor coping skills is harder still
Being an adult child
Having difficulty coping with parents and having children your self is problematic
There is the child ,there is the adult …you cope the best you can ..but nurture the child that you were ,the child that you have and at sometime forgive the parents that you had and do your best
Timely AF and the gentle reminder that I needed. Thank you.
I clicked on the stories with hope of family reconciliation with my adult children only to have my hope dashed by heart wrenching one-sided selfish stories. What about the parent’s involved? Yes, we all have made mistakes in our child rearing years. We live and learn. I think it’s a huge mistake to alienate parents who love you and would do anything for you. (And have!!) My adult children were poisoned by the paternal grandmother against me when I chose to divorce their abusive father 29 years ago. I have never turned my back on these kids and thought all was going well until 3 years ago when I found out my name was still on his house note and it should have been taken off of the note when he got the house in the divorce. I found out that he was in a nursing home and that I could be liable for payment of the mortgage. So long story short, I contacted a lawyer and let the adult kids know and all HELL broke loose. They accused me of all manner of horrible unconscionable acts and made up lies about my deceased son, all done in the most uncallous way. Unconscionable. Dreadful misunderstanding. And neither one of these “adult” children will even try to come to a discussion about all of it. I have been alienated from my youngest granddaughter for almost 3 years. Experts agree that it is an extreme form of elder and child abuse since I formed a loving relationship with her and moved to this state just to be near my son’s family.
Both of my adult children went through divorce in this same year(2017) and now I guess they blame me. Why I do not know. I am in therapy and learning to rise above the torture of alienation and ghosting.
So I guess they have people and therapists like you telling them it’s all good to destroy their (elderly) parent’s lives with no attempt to even so much as communicate with them.
What ever happened to love and forgiveness? I have forgiven them. I am only showing love, remembering birthdays and learning how to not engage in negativity.
People change but ghosting the loving parents is not the answer.
I have been estranged from my father for almost 6 years, and
everytime that I heard something about him, I confirm that it was the
right decision. Thanks for sharing this article.
Thank you for this article. This is the only wound I can’t seem to heal. They’ll give me false hope and things will be good for a while and then they’ll start falling back into the same patterns of anger, criticism and disrespect for me as a person and parent myself.
I always think I’m past it and then it all comes crashing down again. Thank you for this. It helps to know I am, in fact, not alone in my struggles
You are most welcome.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, that must be very difficult for you. At the same time you are healing from your situation. I think it is important to remember that not all parents are loving and want what is best for their kids. Many of us have tried over and over to have healthy relationships with our parents only to be hurt, disrespected and rejected over and over. There comes a point where we have on choice by to walk away for our own health and well-being.
The article is not an invitation to discard ALL THE PARENTS IN THE WORLD; as adults, some of us already tried everything on the book to make it work, so don’t get offended, if you did everything well, you are not the problem, here we are talking about those parents who actually were unable to give love and attention.
You are most welcome!
I tried to “get over it and mover on with my life for many years”. It was not until I learned to live with it as a part to who I am that I started to feel better. It takes time.
The same thing is happening to me. 🙁
Absolutely right. My parents forced Catholicism on us. We’d go to church, then get in the car and my parents would argue and shout at each other. They regularly accused me of being sinful for wanting autonomy as an adult. People who “know Jesus Christ” are sometimes the ones behaving the least Jesus-like!
☹️
You know who knows Jesus Christ in my story? My emotionally abusive parents. They invoke the name of Christ while simultaneously doing some very un-Christian things. No, it is not nearly as simple as “not knowing Jesus Christ.” In fact, their behavior has made a mockery of the teachings of Christ which are beautiful whether one claims to be a Christian or not.
I am in the same boat.
That is so true.
How do you know whether that person in your life has changed or not if you permanently estrange from them?
Last year I stopped communicating with all five of my siblings, four older sisters and my older brother.
Our parents are deceased.
I don’t want to go into details here because when you list details you open yourself up to criticism from complete strangers, and that is something I will not allow. Nobody but me has walked in my shoes.
I stopped communicating with them to preserve my mental health.
I still think about them every day, sometimes in my dreams at night. Yes, sometimes I miss them, but reconnecting with them would harm my mental health.
The person I miss the most is my mom. She was my best friend.
As Fate Would Have It
To begin, I was born in a very large city in 1981. My mother at the time was in an abusive and complicated relationship with a man who was also my biological father. She was separated from her previous husband who fathered my siblings and they resided in a small rural town hours away. She had supposedly left her soon-to-be ex husband and two children (ages two and four years old) to attend college and became pregnant with me shortly after. When I was just a baby, she had left my biological father to return to her separated husband to which he was willing to reconcile with her and accept me as his own child with the intent that I would grow up with my half brother and half sister for the sake of having a normal upbringing for all three of us. It was less than a year after that my mother again left him to return back with my biological father and leaving her soon-to-be ex husband with my two siblings behind and me in tow. I was shy of two years old when she left my biological father for a final time to go reside with a friend of his while working as a nanny for his two boys. During that time my biological father’s friend had developed a romantic interest in her whereas she did not have mutual feelings towards him and decided it was best to move out of his dwelling to live her own life as a single mother.
When I was four years old, my mother met my stepfather who at the time was happy to accept me as his own daughter and it was also during that time my biological father decided to permanently walk out of my life and never look back. Meanwhile, my half brother and half sister continued living the remaining part of their young childhood with their father separated from me and my mother with the exception of the occasional short visit or phone call. At six years old my mother and stepfather father decided to relocate to his hometown as a solution to provide a new life for me in order to remedy an ongoing molestation that I was experiencing from a babysitter’s thirteen year old son. I spent the remaining part of my young childhood as a three person family household while my half brother and half sister were practically nonexistent in the involvement of my life. As they were raised solely by their father in the town that they were living in with the access to both their father’s and our mother’s family members who resided close by — I had my stepfather’s family. Being so young I had perceived these dynamics as a normal circumstance and was not able to understand the hardships and resentment that my half brother and half sister developed from not having our mother directly involved in their life. It was only when I turned twelve years old where I started to see my half siblings more frequently with summer visits. When I turned thirteen, my stepfather and mother got married and shortly after my half brother had opted to live with us while he attended college. Once my half brother completed his college program, he returned back to his hometown and my half sister took his place with us with the intent of attending college herself.
As the relationship between my mother and my half siblings strengthened with the overwhelming amount of emotional recovery from being separated for so long, my stepfather began to display feelings of jealousy and exerted that anger towards me in the form of verbal and physical abuse. In addition, my mother became emotionally unavailable towards me as she felt it necessary to put all of her emphasis for my siblings needs. My stepfather’s rage continued onto me and I became more expressive about the abuse with my mother. However, any claims that I made about my stepfather were disregarded and viewed as a result of an overreacting adolescent that provoked him. It was also during this time that I had tried to participate in family events that involved my mother and half siblings where she casted me aside for the reasons that I was interfering with her quality time with them. As a result, I began to isolate myself by hiding in my bedroom or finding reasons to not be at home. Whether it was taking on extracurricular activities inside and outside of school to having multiple jobs or simply walking the dog for hours on end I tried everything in my power to be nonexistent to avoid any confrontation. My parents continued having marital issues from my stepfather’s ongoing jealousy of my mother’s relationship with my brother and sister, the inability to hold a job and difficulty maintaining finances through foolish spending. Eventually, my mother’s frustrations towards the quality of her lifestyle manifested into an emotionally abusive reaction towards me and I was perceived as the problem child that was the heart of the dysfunction within the family unit. The arguments were ongoing and I continually was targeted as the scapegoat to their failing marriage. At seventeen years old, I left home to go live with my half sister and her boyfriend. Meanwhile, my mother seized all forms of communication with me as she viewed my leaving as a form of betrayal. She eventually returned communication with me but the relationship was very strained.
The Black Sheep
While living with my half sister and her boyfriend, I applied to student welfare and paid them rent along with offering to babysit my nephew for free. I continued going to school and cleaned her house when I returned home. After a year, I decided to get my own apartment and to get a job while completing my studies. My half sister took this personally and was displeased with my intentions. As I was packing up my belongings I had asked her if it was alright to pack a small box of household items that she and her boyfriend had purchased in bulk wholesale so that I had the necessities to start myself off. She agreed but told me to not mention anything to her boyfriend and shortly after he found the packed box of items in my closet he began to label me as a thief and a liar. Regardless of both my half sister and my mother knowing the truth, they persisted on not correcting his accusations towards me. For years they allowed him to bad mouth me and even participated with him whether I was present in a room or not. I was perplexed as to why I was being outcasted and alienated from those I loved the most. It was difficult to understand why my mother or sister would not come to my defence by telling him the truth.
I became a nineteen year old high school dropout in order to leave town to go work for an aircraft company until I was laid off due to work shortages. I returned back home to my mother’s where I had arranged to pay her rent until I was able to secure a job and get another apartment. During that time, I had reunited with a couple of friends from high school and wanted to have a get together to catch up. So I had requested to my mother if I could invite four of my friends over for News Years Eve. The intention was to have a couple of drinks and that me and my company would not to interfere or disrupt the rest of the household by having our get together in her basement. In turn, I had offered to pay my mother a hundred dollars for every friend that was to come over, which was a total of four hundred dollars on top of the rent I would pay her for the month of January. She agreed, but on New Years Eve night she told me that she no longer wanted any of my friends to come over and I reluctantly agreed and went somewhere else. The day after New Years Day, my stepfather approached me and asked for the money in regards to my monthly rent amount in addition to the amount that was initially promised for requesting a small social gathering of four people. I informed him that I was not going to pay the four hundred dollars for a get-together I never had and left to go to the bank to retrieve money to pay my owed rent. Upon arriving back to my mothers house I discovered countless garbage bags of all my belongings resting on their front porch. When I asked my stepfather as to why I was being thrown out, he stated that it was because I was declining to pay him all of the money they were promised and insisted that I continue to pay Januarys rent. I told him “no” for the reason that I was not permitted to live there for the month of January. I then called one of my friends to come pick me and my belongings up where there I remained at her mother’s house until we were both able to get an apartment together.
After a year of living with my roommate I had met my daughter’s father and we eventually moved into a small two bedroom apartment together. Shortly after I discovered that I was pregnant, a series of domestic violence incidents began with him and continued to escalate up to days before I began my labor. I had called my mother to come and get me and stayed at her house for three months. During that time, I had contacted the police and they arrested the father of my child and he had a no contact order put in place. All of my family members warned me to not go back to him but out of guilt for my daughter and the fear of raising a child on my own I ignored their warnings. Knowing how my family members can be quite judgemental I had kept our reconciling a secret for a few months but when my mother found out she reacted as I predicted and we were once again on no talking terms. My exile from the family continued until I left the father of my child once again as a result of the continuous abuse and infidelity on his part. For a year after, I remained single raising a toddler alone. My mother and stepfather had ended their relationship and were in the process of filing for divorce. I attempted to repair my relationship with my stepfather in hopes to have it continue despite the tensions between him and my mother. However, my mother did not take kindly to this and I was disregarded from being viewed as a loving adult child while she continued to perceive my unbiased relationship with my stepfather and his family as a retaliation against her.
The Road to Hell
At twenty four years old I had met another man with whom I was to be involved with for several years. He was extremely charismatic and had a strong sense of humour but little did I know that things would later fall down into a chaotic spiral of events. I eventually cut ties with my stepfather as he had been diagnosed with multiple mental disorders and was refusing to follow treatment recommendations and medications prescribed by his doctors. His exploding reactive behaviours were now being projected onto my child along with my nieces and nephews. Not to mention, conversations with him became emotionally exhausting as he nonstop continuously slandered my mother for things that had happened within their marriage. It was always a struggle for him to take my words seriously as I had expressed my needs for respecting boundaries. My intentions were to only enjoy his company with love and acceptance rather than hear him fester constant anger and remorse towards my mother that would ultimately never end. My mother moved on and had found a new partner. She seemed happy for awhile but over time her new beau began to segregate himself away from us adult children to eventually her.
In 2009, I had decided to go back to school to complete my high school education and persue college within the helping field. It was at that time the man that I was with was acting strange as money began to disappear from our joint account. When I began to question what was happening he became erratic and left. As I was cleaning out his belongings out of our apartment I had discovered a lot drug paraphernalia that he had kept hidden from me. In addition, I started getting mysterious phone calls and threats from people within the neighbourhood telling me to leave the area inciting that there would be problems otherwise. So without hesitation I grabbed what I could along with my daughter and forfeited my apartment to keep her and I safe from any potential danger. I stayed with a male classmate from college for a very short period of time as he became romantically interested with me where the feelings were not mutual from my end. He acted jealous and out feelings of rejection he told me to leave. Now homeless with my seven year old child I had called my mother and begged for her to take us in. She declined and her boyfriend supported her, so I had no choice but to reach out to my siblings for help. My half brother offered that we stay with him in his one bedroom apartment until I was able to secure a place to live as my half sister informed me that her place of work was looking to hire. In three months of continuous work while going to school full time I was able to secure a two bedroom apartment. After a year of living alone with my daughter I successfully graduated college with distinction. Unfortunately, I had lost my job to due to work shortages again and struggled to find employment related to my field of study.
I met my husband through an online dating site. Things were difficult at first as I was unemployed and he was in the middle of settling his debts from his previous relationship. I had discovered that I was pregnant but ended up having a miscarriage on my birthday. He was at work and so it was my brother who drove me to the hospital when I discovered what was happening. Broken hearted, I tried to continue things as normal as possible in order to not have my emotions impact my unknowing daughter of the pregnancy and the loss. The following day my brother sent me a text of a picture of his girlfriend’s ultrasound of his unborn child elaborating how excited he is. I couldn’t understand how anyone especially a family member would be inconsiderate of the grief I was going through. Even as I had mentioned it to my mother, she emphasized that he was just oblivious to comprehending what others were experiencing in their lives because he was a proud father-to-be. The result of my loss caused me to fall in a depression but I persevered for the love of my daughter. Four months later, I discovered I was pregnant again. My brother’s girlfriend had a healthy baby boy as my pregnancy progressed. As my brother’s family was adjusting to the family dynamics with their new arrival, his girlfriend began favouring her own children over my brothers. I informed him about things that were said by his girlfriend that were concerning my niece and nephew being disregarded because they were a result from his previous marriage (stated by my mother). However, he immediately became defensive and my mother stayed silent. He lashed out later through a text message as he severed the relationship with me. When I insisted to my mother that she tell him the truth — she refused. I had showed my sister the conversation with my mother admitting what she had said and her refusal but my sister did not want to get involved. It resulted in another five years where I was alienated by family where no one would speak the truth.
Good Intentions
Eventually, thing’s slowly smoothed over between my brother and I where we could be in the same room together where tensions didn’t flood the atmosphere. My nephew was five years old by this time and my son four. My siblings had zero communication or involvement with me unless it was a mandatory family event such as Christmas where we had to put on the front of a happy functional family for my mother’s satisfaction. My mother continued to idolize my sister and her children and bad mouth my brother’s children, which made me feel uneasy as I could only imagine what was said about me or my children. Nonetheless, I played along in order to do my part on keeping the peace as well as maintain the inclusiveness of my families conditional love and acceptance. In 2017, my depression and anxiety had become unbearable to live with and so I reached out to my family doctor for help. For a year I was taking antidepressants and seeking therapeutic alternatives to get myself back on track again. It was a very difficult road to travel and thankfully with the loving support of my husband and children I was able to climb out of the darkness. Two years later my daughter was undergoing her rebellious phase where she wanted to leave home. I had called my mother to see if she could help by talking some sense into her. Instead, my mother encouraged her to move into her home and enabled every bad habit as an alternate approach to what she claimed was me providing overly strict parenting style. Six months later, my daughter moved out of mother’s to go live with a friend.
In the summer of 2021, my mother married for a third time. My daughter and I were on the path of reconciliation, however she was being influenced by her peers. I had confided in my mother of my speculations of my daughter being heavily involved into drugs and associating with individuals that were a threat to her overall wellbeing. It wasn’t until I had told my mother about my daughter’s claim that she was “kicked out” by her and her husband did she start to believe me that something was wrong. Still, the concern she expressed was more focused on the family image and her reputation rather than providing emotional support to me or my daughter. In the fall, my daughter announced that she was pregnant and by New Years Eve she left an abusive boyfriend to reside with us until she was able to get back on her feet. My mother and daughter’s relationship now strained as I tried to convince each of them to understand each person’s perspective. Eventually, my mother came around and tried to be involved with my daughter’s baby, but she had difficulty understanding the parental boundaries that my daughter set out for the wellness of her child which led to more ridicule and passive aggression towards my daughter. The following Christmas my daughter tried introducing her new boyfriend to the family only to have my mom and sister make remarks to how he appeared to look like my aunts boyfriend and jokingly state that he may be a illegitimate offspring of his. While doing this, they had made snide remarks in French thinking that their communications could not be understood by anyone else (this was common). My daughter’s boyfriend comprehended what was being said and decided that he no longer be involved with the family or have any type of association with them.
In March of 2023, I received a call from my mother that my sister’s son had been in a car accident where he was drinking and driving which resulted to killing an eighteen year old boy. My mother implied that my nephew was not solely at fault for his behaviour, as a form of rationalization to cope with the circumstances, she became angry with me for having a difference of opinion. I ended up having an outburst with her stating that the selective favouritism needed to stop and that there are other grandchildren that need to be considered for their efforts to make a place in society. In addition, I had tried bringing up the alienation that I had underwent in my adult years. However, my emotions and concerns were waved off and regarded as me being dramatic. From that point I opted to hold back my opinion on the matter and let her vent, grieve and deal with her emotions. Not long after, she told my nine year old son that my nephew’s actions were a result of a breakup which confused him as he was not informed of all the details to the incident. I had asked her politely to not include him on the matter as I did not want him to have false perceptions by justifying actions in regards to breaking the law. That he was young and impressionable and to limit those types of conversations if there was no valuable takeaway to serve for the purposes of a teachable moment. In response, she disregarded any feedback and denied what she told him. Ultimately, I decided to not have my child be watched by her until the drama had cleared.
It is What it is
Since then, I have received no communication from anyone. I had some family members block or unfriend me on Facebook. In turn, I decided to block the rest of them as I no longer feel the need to seek validation or acceptance for the type of person I turned out to be. My mother would occasionally put up a post that was an indirect towards me but nothing more, nothing less. In addition, I blocked all forms of contact with her as well as I do not feel that her values and morals align with mine. I have reached a point where I no longer want contact with anyone in regards to my mother, brother and sister. I am now 43 years old and I have spent my entire life trying to prove myself worthy to receive the same level of love as the rest of them. I hope that for the next 40 years of my life I am able to attain the full quality of life with the satisfaction and acknowledgment without needing anyone else’s approval or acceptance. I’ve reached a point where I feel exhausted and beaten down in regards to pursuing something that I never truly had with them. As I now look back on all the memories of what I thought were loveable moments, I can’t help but question if whether or not if they were truly genuine. The only thing that I can determine now as I look back on my past is how my existence was unplanned and it posed an inconvenience towards the people who I had admired, loved and respected the most. I am uncertain of what the future holds but it’s something I look forward to as there will be no second guessing, no self doubt or ridicule on what I choose what is to be acceptable for me. The choices I make going forward will not be considered with the premise to satisfy the conditions set by members of my family but based on my own moral compass and the values I believe in.