“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you’re growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~Angelica Moone
I was taught to love my family and to just accept the love they give. With the passage of time and the dawning of maturity, I began to doubt this kind of unquestioning love. The chronic emotional and mental stress of the relationship with my mother came into a new light after the birth of my youngest daughter.
I could no longer avoid and just accept a toxic relationship that was void of emotion and affection. I began to look at the dysfunctional familial relationship with her through the eyes of a new parent and started to see things differently.
I started asking myself questions like “Would I ever purposely treat my child with such indifference and disregard them so callously?” So many more questions I asked myself were met with “no.” So, why would I just accept this behavior? Why was I allowing this constant stress to take up so much energy in my life?
I can look back and see now that I was holding out hope for a grand gesture while craving to receive maternal feelings of love and security. My inner child was holding out for love from the person that gave birth to her, but the adult in me sees that the love I was truly needing was love for myself.
The walls to unquestioning family loyalty came tumbling down around me about five years ago. My husband and I had been living in the Bay Area and felt strongly that it would be nice to raise a family near family. So, before the birth of our youngest, we decided after fifteen years of living in California to move across the country to Connecticut.
During our plans to move, I held on to the delusion that if I lived closer, my mother would want to be part of our lives. She even called me while packing up our last few moving boxes to tell me how thrilled she was that we were moving back and that she could not wait to visit us all the time. She never came to visit; I had built up the illusion that she wanted to be part of our lives.
The coup de grace was when she called me out of the blue on her drive up from Florida, where she vacations in the winter, tell me she was planning on stopping for a quick visit on her way home to Massachusetts. Giving me a time frame as to when she would be arriving.
As the week passed, she did not call or visit. However, I did receive an out of the blue message three months later to say hi, which never acknowledged the previous plan to visit.
It was after this final act of indifference that I made the decision, I could no longer allow the hurt and manipulation to continue. What was I teaching my children about boundaries if I was not creating healthy boundaries?
My therapist once asked me “Would you go shopping at a clothing store for groceries”? When I answered, no, it dawned on me that I wouldn’t, so why was I expecting something different from my mother?
I once read that people can change, but toxic people rarely do. Toxic individuals, according to this adage, seldom change. Because if someone isn’t accepting responsibility for their acts and lacks self-awareness, how can you expect them to alter their ways? The change I was waiting for was not her to change but my willingness to change.
At first, I questioned my decision to end this relationship. Was it cruel of me to not allow my children to know their grandmother? However, at the same time the realization came that she was not really a part of our lives.
Unraveling this toxic tie has been an act of self-love. For myself, for my inner child who is still healing, and for my children, so they can witness their mother loving herself enough to quit letting someone else harm her.
Since this decision, I have had family try and talk to me about my decision. Telling me stories of how their friends severed their relationship with a family member and regretted it after their passing. When that time happens, I will grieve, I will grieve for what never was.
Instead of clinging to this toxic relationship, I am teaching my children so much more by ending the cycle of neglect and creating healthy boundaries. I am showing my children how to love themselves.
About Shilo Ratner
Artist, writer, creative coach, teacher, and lover of anything chocolate. Shilo Ratner is a creative who loves helping other creatives reconnect to their creativity. When she is not helping clients or in her art studio, she is spending time with her two wonderful children and her loving husband in New Haven, Connecticut. Connect with her on Instagram @shiloratner or on her website www.shiloratner.com
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I admire your self awareness regarding your relationship with your mother. I too had a rather toxic relationship with my mother. She passed 2 years ago. I had a huge epiphany last time I physically saw her( was 6 months before her succumbing to COVID)-It shook me to my core, when I realized that I have never made her happy and will never make her happy. She was incapable of giving me what I had expected from her. She was though my mother. I found I needed to forgive her and realize my love for her was real. I had to forgive myself for holding such hope all these years that our relationship would become mended. I had to face that as daughter-in-laws, grandchildren took over her affection, that somehow I could never close the gap between us. Maybe it was because she had more successful relationships with them, and ours seemed hopeless. I continued to do my part as the dutiful daughter but created even more distance from her by being miles away…..I feel I made amends with her, and hope if she comes around again in her next life, she can realize that she was a shining star that was abused, misunderstood, and not acknowledge by her own parents. I understand that because I too was that neglected emotionally abused child. I have found peace. I pray your mother one day wakes up. Kudos for your own bravery to be a mother yourself! I was never brave enough.
I have a toxic relationship with my mother as well, but instead of not showing up, she is the opposite, she wants to control my life in every aspect imaginable, she is possessive, jealous and she hates everybody who comes around me, friends, boyfriends, everyone for her is fake, is envious, is trash (that’s how she speaks). And everything I do is not enough for her, she always play as victim, as me not grateful. She is aggressive and rude 90% of the time. Now I’m leaving with my new partner and she of course hates him, without even knowing him and reading what u wrote, makes sense: I would never treat my child as she treats me. It’s absurd. Just continue loving yourself and acting with this goal 🙂
I’ve had the exact same thing happen to me. I’ve had bizarre situations with toxic sisters who make it a point to be known that they are in Los Angeles area and then insist that they do not want to see me for a grudge that took place over 7 years ago. But then all of the sisters (I have 4 of them) will do this shallow group texting. It makes no sense pretending we have a fake relationship via text but then in real life you can’t stand to stop by for five minutes and see my brand new son when he was born? I’ve had to block their numbers because of this. Either we have a real relationship – IN REAL LIFE – or we don’t. And…um…group texting isn’t a real relationship. A real relationship is stopping by to see your nephew that was just born instead of insisting that you don’t want to see him but then later sending these group texting updates. It’s manipulative. It sends mixed messages. I can relate to toxic family. I have had to completely cut ties with all but 1 of my sisters. Good luck and thanks for sharing. You made the right decision – 100%!
Thank you for sharing your story Shilo! Well done on standing up for yourself and doing what it right for you and your family.
I’m going to play Devil’s advocate for a moment though. Is there a difference between before and after ending the relationship with your mother? As a reader with limited understanding of the relationship, it would seem to be a matter of perspective.
As someone who has cut off from abusive parents myself, it has been important for my healing to understand that desire for unconditional love doesn’t have to be filled by a parent. Obviously, we should strive to fulfil this ourselves. Unconditional love can also be found in other places such as; friends, family and partners.
Ultimately, birth is a lottery and whilst every child is deserving of unconditional love not all parents are capable of it. Reiterating Lynette’s comment some people are haunted by various issues.
I think it’s great that as a society we are now setting boundaries for appropriate behaviour in relationships, but this wasn’t necessarily true for previous generations. For example, in the past physical abuse in relationships has been considered acceptable. As a result of untreat trauma some people can be emotionally stunted, display unhealthy behaviours and may only fulfil certain elements of what is considered paternal love.
This doesn’t sound very Buddhist. Your mother is suffering. Yes of course you have to take care of yourself too. But on the Buddhist path you learn to make not just your friends but your ‘enemies’ part of your path. To have compassion for them and want to help them.
thank you so much for this post. I had to end a life long (I am 66 years old) toxic relationship with my mother a couple of years ago. As a child we were all physically/verbally abused. As adults, the verbal abuse continued…..the only time she would show any sort of “kindness” was if she wanted something. Her requests for birthdays/mothers day was always money…..her love was conditional, it was a “what have you done for me lately” kind of love. Throughout my entire life, like you, I was searching for a love that she is simply incapable of. None of my siblings have a relationship with her either (that in and of itself speaks volumes). Like you, people tell me I will regret this when she passes, also like you, I will mourn what never was. The final straw for me was when my stepdaughter who suffered from mental illness and spina bifida passed away 2 years ago. When I told my mother, she coldly replied, “it was a blessing, she was a walking nightmare.” I hung up on my mother that day and never looked back. She refused to apologize for her repulsive comment (my brother tried to get her to apologize) and for me, at that moment. It was FINALLY OVER. (((hugs))) to you
I have a toxic mother, after my father died I realize her and I never have a good relationship, that actually she was hurting more than anything else. She knows we don’t have a good relationship, she insults me by saying is my fault because of who I am, that I am not a good daughter, that i am explosive and nobody will love me if I don’t change. She doesn’t realize that actually she is the one that attacks me. I am working with my therapist because I want to be a mother but I feel that i don’t deserve to be one… still healing and it is hard to accept that my mother doesn’t care about me and I don’t love her… but society and family keeps saying I MUST her because is the right thing to do.
Very insightful article and comments. As a mother of an estranged daughter, I do find it critical to note that the first step should be to openly & empathetically communicate any issues within the relationship. No one can make adjustments to their behaviors or clear up misunderstandings without discussion. I was blind sided when she just left after high school. I knew we had a poor relationship but chalked most of it up to difficult teenage attitude. Having a husband who completely lacks awareness pitted “them against me” scenario. She’s so damaged. We all are. I’m on my healing path but my heart is most pained by not being allowed to help with her healing.
Familial relationships are complicated. It is important to set boundaries to
prioritize you and your family. I find that journaling has helped me so
perhaps it will help you. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with
me.
This decision was not done on a whim but with a lifetime of looking inward and allowing myself to let go. I do have deep compassion for her and have a meditation practice where I send loving-kindness to her. I also have an understanding of the “karmic knots” that bind and have done deep soulful work to heal the Mother Wound so I can end this cycle of generational toxicity.
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you have the awareness that the
relationship is not balanced. Continuing to love yourself and doing the work to understand yourself is a great step to understanding your relationship with her. The deeper I go into healing my wounds the more I knew that I needed to widen my
support system with friends, family, and a therapist.
I agree, a lot has shifted and changed in how we perceive what is acceptable behavior. Talking about having a therapist, setting boundaries and discussing generational wounds is not uncommon in our modern society. 30 years ago it was not as mainstream. For me, I felt strong in my conviction that I could not allow the cycle to continue. I do have deep compassion for her and have a meditation practice where I send her loving-kindness.
You are brave for making the decision you did. Don’t forget to lean into your support system while you process this new information. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your experience.Talking with a therapist and making a conscious decision to process the potential experience of motherhood is important. Keep focusing on your own healing.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your experience! It sounds like you have had a lot of growth towards healing the relational wound with your mother. In my practice and life’s journey, I have learned that forgiveness is key. I’ve also found peace in having a meditation practice where I focus on loving-kindness and compassion towards myself and her.
I could not find your article a better day than today. Today, I’ve learned that my father died two days ago. We didn’t talk anymore. It was a very weird relationship and he was a toxic person, even for himself. He considered himself always a victim and all the people around were the mean ones. It was and is very hard to learn that he died… It was way sooner than I excpected. But one thing I’m glad about is that I have no regret to have turned off this relationship. I gave him chances but I’ve seen he was not changing. I feel sad and sorry for him, really. I have a lot of sadness about this relationship. But no regret to have been able to say stop when this relationship was bringing me negative energy and not making me grow. It’s very hard to accept that our own parents are toxic and not supporting us as we would expect of parents. And I think it’s very brave to decide to say no when someone is not respecting you. Everyone should be respected. You are brave, mature and can be proud of yourself.
I agree, we are all on our own healing path. Just keep focusing on yourself. In my meditation practice, I spend time focusing on loving-kindness and compassion towards myself and my mother. Perhaps, you may find something like this helpful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. The grief over losing a loved one is different for everyone. I hope that you have the support you need while you heal from this loss. Familial relationships are complicated. For myself, I have found that surrounding myself with loving and healthy relationships has been helpful. Also, talking with a therapist has offered me tools to become more consciously aware.
I am concerned you may be modeling something far different for your children than you intend. Your children will inevitably reach a maturational crossroad where they question your parenting. When they do, they may hit the cancel button as that is what you have modeled for them.
Additionally, I am concerned about your ability to interact with reality. Your mom can no more hear or benefit from your cosmic good wishes than she could grow from knowing how hurtful she was being to you.
Your ongoing heartache demonstrated by your continued cosmic focus on the relationship appears to be a silent cry for help. I am sorry for your pain. It is entirely possible that your mother cannot fulfill your needs. I hope you grow in your self love to the extent that you move beyond needing mothering. You will know you are healed when you can in real life mother others including your mother and yourself. It is difficult to ascertain from your shared scenario as to whether your mother is truly disabled or whether you just failed to communicate your issues. In either case, mothers are not cancelable; whether dead or living, they continue to haunt us for as long as we are needy.
I have worked very hard over decades to come to terms with my relationship with my parents. I am now so very happy and fulfilled. I was seeking something that was beyond the human condition and spent many years being resentful. I missed out on the richness of life by trying to make it into something it wasn’t. I hope you can continue your journey and that it doesn’t take you as long as it took me. Meanwhile, try to find one happy memory of your mother. Or try to hug yourself in the way you want to be loved. Hope you chose to continue your journey one step at a time.
I appreciate your insight. I agree, forgiveness is key to healing. It is wonderful that you have such awareness and are on your wellness journey.
Typo- choose not chose
Thank you Shilo!
I’ve struggled with having a toxic relationship with my own mother as well, and it’s contributed to my childhood trauma. Years ago, I made the decision to end our relationship. This period lasted for about 5 years, then I decided to give it another chance after she persisted in contacting me. I deal with her sparingly to avoid being triggered, but am considering doing another complete disconnect since she’s still not taking any accountability for her actions towards me.
Good on any and everyone for severing toxic ties, especially with a parent. It can come with guilt and a lot of outsiders trying to push you back into it, but remember that your feelings matter and so does your mental health.
Thank you so much for sharing. We all have our own journey with our familial relationships. Just keep focusing on healing. The deeper I go into healing my wounds the more I widen my support system.
what does ‘toxic’ actually mean?
Wow, Amen to that. After 60 years of a self-centered , narcissistic mother, I am finally cutting the cord. She would stand by and watch my father beat me senseless and she would yell at him to not hit me in the head. Never once did she think of taking me and my brother out of that situation and saving us. After several bouts with depression and addiction, I finally was able to break out of it on my own. No easy feat. Now that my wife and I are moving about 100 miles away, you’d think I was going to the Arctic circle. I have deep concerns about her safety, but she refuses to compromise one iota so we’re leaving. I’ve never felt better about a decision in my life.
my definition is that she is bad for my mental health. she is literally as toxic as an overdose of poison
I am currently trying to set up healthy boundaries with my toxic mother. It has been really hard for me to disconnect from her. I had my first child 4 years ago and I never thought I would be begging my mother to spend time with my child. I saw her with my brothers kids and she has always tried so hard with them. She lives 20 minutes away and she is always cancelling and making up excuses not to come over. As I raise my child I am realizing more and more how toxic she is and how this is not how I want to raise my child. I am breaking this cycle but it is so much harder than I realized. I have been working on my inner child healing, self love, and healthy boundaries alot since my child was born. I realized the more I do this the more toxic she becomes. Reading this truly helped me to realize that she wont change and it is my responsibility to be the change I need. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and passing on the strength to do what needs to be done. I appreciate you!
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Thank you for sharing your story. You are a survivor! Just keep focusing on your own healing.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are not alone.
I have two estranged adult children and it has been the most painful journey of my life. My daughter, especially, has refused for a decade to accept my amends and sincere, loving apologies for unintended harms done. I agree there are valid reasons to walk away from toxic relationships, but I believe it’s been take to far in many cases. Like you, I am on my healing path but I miss my adult kids and my grandchildren.
Dear Shilo, I appreciate your honesty and bravery in acknowledging the toxicity of the relationship between your mother and you. I also allowed myself to be victimized by a Narcissistic toxic mother well into my adult years and her emotional tirades, criticism, shaming and blaming escalated as she grew older.
Well-meaning friends and societal norms reinforced that she was my mother and therefore her behavior had to be endured since all attempts to renegotiate our relationship had failed. The nurturing, loving and supportive mother that I kept hoping would show up, never did. People pleasing was my answer to try and get the acceptance and connection that I needed. Finally with time and the on-line communities and information about NPD, I’m able to release a lot of my anger and resentment. Peace and comfort to all who have endured this abuse and have chosen their well being over what others might think.
It's clear from your response that you place the blame on everyone but yourself which was most likely the problem and why you are estranged. Toxic parents don't want to hear what the issue was. They just want to gaslight and blame. You knew it was a poor relationship but wanted her to empathecally communicate? Why didn't you take the first step. Parents should not blame their own children for estrangement. Want a better kid? Be a better parent.