“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer
I got the call late one Sunday afternoon while sitting at work. “Babe, your toilet tub and shower are backed up.” What?
“It’s bad babe, and getting worse.” Okay, I thought, I’ll call my landlord.
“Hello, this is so and so and you’ve got my voicemail. Please leave me a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
Damn. Answering machine. Message left.
Text message time. Left that one too.
I wrapped up work and raced home. Yuck. It was bad. And like my partner mentioned, getting worse by the second.
Another call to my landlord gave me another voicemail. Another text followed this time by an email. Still nothing.
“Babe, you should call a plumber.” My landlord doesn’t like the idea of me calling a plumber on my own. I know this from past experiences.
“But babe, she’s not returning your texts or calls.” Good point. And it was getting worse. For all I knew my landlord was on a plane heading to Europe.
Plumber found. One last text to my landlord before I called, saying if I didn’t hear back from her that I was going to call a plumber on my own. Fifteen minutes later I made the call. Anxiety rising.
Plumber said they would be there in thirty minutes. Ten minutes later my landlord called. No exaggeration to what I’m about to quote.
“You’re threatening me!?” I wasn’t threatening you. “You call and text and call and text and threaten me!?” I didn’t threaten you.
“I’m at a Christmas party and I have to deal with this!?” I was shaking. Like a scared little kid getting yelled at by an angry parent.
“Maybe you should find a new place to live!” I couldn’t even get a word in. “If that plumber comes out that’s on your dime, not mine! It’s probably not even that bad.”
The plumber showed up. Said it was that bad. That it was a health safety hazard and he couldn’t leave me like that, even after I told him about my landlord, who by the way showed up ten minutes later. Still pissed and blaming me for interrupting her evening.
“I’ll have someone out in the morning,” she said in a not so nice tone.
Someone did come. Problem was fixed. Life went on. Comfortably uncomfortable.
Earth to Zachary. Come in Zachary. This is your wake up call.
Do you copy? Zachary, do you copy? It’s time to move out of your apartment!
You don’t deserve to be treated like this! Deep sigh. I copy. I think.
My girlfriend asked why I didn’t end the phone conversation while the landlord was yelling at me. She said most people wouldn’t let someone speak to them like that.
I’m not like most people. In fact, for the better part of my adult life I’ve stayed in and returned to painful relationships.
Four months later and I’m still here. Still comfortably uncomfortable. A prisoner in my own apartment. The apartment I pay for on time each and every month.
I’m a good tenant. Probably too good, as I allow myself to get pushed around. Almost like I’m bullied.
Instead of my milk money, I’m giving the bully my rent money. Same thing. Different age.
Where’s my voice? It’s time for me to stand up for myself. To show up as a man.
See, I’m always afraid of how the other person is going to react, in this case, my landlord. I can see clearly how fear reverts me to a child like state, afraid of the angry parent. It paralyzes me.
I have to remind the precious inner child that he did nothing wrong. That he wont get spanked for being a bad kid.
Okay. Moment of truth. I’m about to send an email finally giving them my thirty-day notice.
Check in time.
My body has a surge of adrenaline racing through it. My fingers are almost shaking while I type. Heart beating quickly. Head feels like it’s in a vice.
It’s just an email Zach. Just an email.
My landlord can’t hurt me. I’ve done nothing wrong. I have the right to pick and choose where I’d like to live, as well as how I’d like to be treated.
Deep breath. Let it out. Press send.
Sent. The part of me that lives in fear is waiting for a quick response. For punishment. “How dare you!”
I don’t like this part. It’s where I wait for the repercussions of my actions, the part where I drift off into assumption. Like this random thought: My landlord showing up at my place and changing the locks on my apartment. Why? Because I’m leaving and she’s mad at me.
Wow, that’s a whole lot of assumption. A great big ugly pool of it. Yep. And if I’m not careful I’ll be swimming in it for hours.
Zach, it’s okay. You sent a kind and heartfelt email thanking her for letting you live there. Someone else’s thoughts and feelings are not your responsibility.
How is this growth for me? Hyper sensitive to another’s feelings, I’ve stayed in relationships way longer than I should have. A lot of us do.
Out of fear. Fear of someone being mad at us. Fear of someone being hurt and disappointed. Folks, when we do this we’re only hurting ourselves.
Bottom line, we can’t be the best person we can be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own. What the other person thinks of us is none of our business. If we can detach with love and our side of the street is clean, the rest is up to the other person.
All we have to do is suit up, show up, and walk through our fears. Lean into our discomfort if you will. Walking through our fears will set us free from the bondage of our minds.
It’s called having faith and knowing that we are enough, just we are. Faith that we will be just fine so long as we show up and do the work. It’s an everyday practice, and we are worth it.
About Zachary Goodson
Zachary is a writer, a coach, and a heart-centered entrepreneur who loves helping others. His writing focuses on his experiences around holistic health, inner child work, addiction, recovery, spirituality, and fatherhood. His coaching is devoted to helping people experience deep fulfillment in relationships, career, and life. You can connect with him at zacharygoodson.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Did you ever move? I understand that fear and I applaud you for acknowledging it and working to change it.
Wow. Thank you for this. I just put in my resignation for my job and was feeling uncomfortable about moving on to something better for me after feeling the icy resentment from co-workers. Then you happened to post this. I applaud you for your courage to stand up for yourself, and the courage to share your story. It definitely helped me. Thank you 🙂
Hi Zach,
I’m glad you finally decided you won’t tolerate that anymore and that you deserve better.
I love what you said “we can’t be the best person we are meant to be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own.” I struggle with this from time to time also, I totally agree with you!
Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
Wow… thank you… I so needed this today. Your words really struck a cord with me, “Bottom line, we can’t be the best person we are meant to be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own. ” I quit my job 3 months ago after being bullied by my boss and I honestly feel like I have PTSD from it. When I quit she actually said, “Why are you doing this to me?”, but despite the fear before and the emotional recovery after, I know it was one of the greatest decisions I ever made and your words today reminded me of that. Thank you again for your honesty and inspiration : )
Chrissy thank you for sharing. I applaud you for leaving your job and sharing your truth. Thank you!
Janice thank you for the kind words. Good to know I’m not alone in the occasional struggle. 🙂
I applaud you right back. 🙂 Doing whats best for us can be scary. Thanks for sharing.
I moved! 🙂 Best decision of the year. I keep learning, one day at a time, how to take care of myself in the best way possible. Thanks for your kind words.
This describes me to a tee, and in a blissfully simple way. I’m working on myself, but sometimes well-meaning friends just truly can’t understand why I stay in bad situations, even after I recognize they are bad for me.
I thoroughly enjoyed this post Zach. It’s this whole idea of getting comfortable being uncomfortable that we all need to embrace just a little bit more.
Thanks so much for this post, was so what I needed this morning, keep worrying keep sharing, I’m in such a difficult place and this has helped me realise partly it’s because I’m worried about the other person feelings and care less about my own. I’m working on it!
Linda thank you for sharing. Keep working on yourself. I get it about friends too. But sometimes when working through difficult things we move at a slower pace.
Thanks Rosanna. I agree 100%.
Keep working on it Sarah. I always try and remember the safety instructions on an airplane. They tell you to first put the oxygen mask on yourself….then others. We can’t help others without first taking care of ourselves. Keep it up! Thanks again.
Nice article Zachary! It is very important to stay close to yourself. Other peoples opinions about yourself are not more important than your own opinion about yourself.
Thanks Bastiaan! Tough to remember at times buy oh so true.
Boundary’s my friend, its all about not being intimidated by people we perceive as above us. Landlord, boss’s, etc.. stand up for your self even if you end up standing alone.
Thanks, Zach! I battle with these feelings and emotions of others everyday! Gotta give myself some respect, importance and do what I think is best for me!!
I can’t even tell you how much I needed this…. and didn’t even realize I did. Those are always the most insightful and reflective moments. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing. This is so important.
Thank you for sharing this! I just went through something similar and I have to say that I’m relieved. The decision is hard to make but once we decide that our feelings are sometimes more important than others’, things can only get better after we dare to quit. 🙂
Indeed JMM. Thanks for reading!
Thank YOU Karl!
Thank you, Zach. This was extremely timely. My issue is not with a landlord, however your words, and feelings, hit home…right, at this moment in time. I will be saving your words to read again and again to give me the strength to do what needs to be done.
Well then I’m glad it found you when it did Megan. Thank you for taking the time to comment
So true!! Thank you for sharing.
Aww thanks Ophelia. Thank YOU for taking the time to share. Good luck with everything.
“Bottom line, we can’t be the best person we are meant to be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own.”
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve always put others thoughts and feelings before my own, from as far back as I can remember! I recently left a “friendship” where I was “Comfortably uncomfortable” (as you called it), with my every move, thought and word being controlled. It’s just been in the past few months I have learned to speak up. I spoke up out of anger and in a wrong manner which is my fault…. but at least the situation did help me find my voice. A
voice I didn’t have before, and I am learning to use it properly! And now I know that my voice matters as much as anyones and I will be using it from now on, only in a more loving way. Lessons learned. It doesn’t matter if they acknowledge my thoughts and feelings, as long as I do. Again, Thank you for this…. great timing!
Love what you said, JMM!!! “People we “perceive” as above us!” Just because they perceive themselves above us…. doesn’t mean they are nor do we have to see them as such!
Chrissy, I had a something similar happen when I ended a relationship and the person emailed me saying they didn’t understand what happened without the benefit of an honest conversation so I went to them wanting understanding for us both and they started the control and bully thing all over again. I have since been told that when a person wants or needs that much control yet feels like they are losing their grip on you then they will say or do anything such as, “I don’t understand” or “Why are you doing this to me”, only trying to pull you back in one more time to bully even more and get you to give in to their control. You did the right thing for you just as I did. I too applaud you!
I fully agree with you, Guest!!!
I really needed to read this….I have been struggling with how to handle a situation for the past 5 months…..a person who I thought was a great “friend”, who I helped through a double knee replacement, when her family didn’t want to deal with her recovery…..I was offered an amazing job 5 months ago & I finally decided to follow my heart & marry an amazing man….she just stopped talking to me because she didn’t like my choices….she told me I would regret them….I know it’s because she has lost the power to control what I do….I will now tell her how hurtful she has been….she didn’t even show up to my wedding….true colors come out when someone disagrees with how you live your life…..it’s been a painful lesson to learn…..Thanks for your words….very encouraging!
I needed this too 🙂 about too rise my hourly fee as a freelancer and scared about how my biggest client will respond. But I have to do it, since my accountant told me it’s not interesting to remain a freelancer if I don’t… He even suggests rising more than what I’m about to, but I’m already scared to ask for this amount so this amount it’ll be… Wish me luck!
Chrissy, I had a breakdown courtesy of my boss and how management tried to discredit my truths…I quit 18 months ago and I most certainly do have PTSD. I moved from the UK to Sydney and I still get upset when I see, hear or feel triggers so don’t underestimate what you went through. But it does get better; it just takes time!
Be kind to yourself lovely 🙂
Yay! Glad you made the move. Bravo for being brave and putting yourself first.
Awesome post, really showing the crazy committee, and intense feelings that I am also aware of in “confrontational situations” I was right there with you, and all the crazy rationalizing. I am glad you are on the road to recovery! 😉 Thank you for being so vulnerable, letting us into your mind, and emotions! 🙂
Thank you so much for this! I gave myself a deadline of ending a relationship that has dragged on for too long … that deadline is today! I have put his feelings before my own, and even felt guilty … no more! This is the day I declare I move on … thank you!
I really needed to read this. I was friends with someone for a very long time who walked all over me because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I was more worried about her feelings than my own, or scared of confrontation, so I let her have all the control. When I finally did begin to distance myself the anxiety was overwhelming, even though she hurt me and I knew deep down that I deserve better. Thank you for sharing this.
Thanks Cat!
Thank you so much for sharing!!! A voice. Argh. Obviously from reading you know I struggle with such from time to time. I love reading everyones replies and being reminded that a)i am not alone and b) it’s more than okay to have a voice. thank you again!
Thank you Julie. We all just keep encouraging each other which is beautiful!
Good luck N G!
Thank you for the kind words. Glad to be on the road to recovery too! So many wonderful people working toward being kind and true to themselves. I love it.
Thank you Viomarie! Love that you are being of service to and for yourself today!!
Thank you Amy for sharing. We all deserve better. Happy to hear that you took care of yourself. My anxiety level went up a notch when you shared that you began to distance yourself. So tough for me to do but I know it’s the only way to personal freedom. Best of luck with everything!
Beautifully written, thank you. I too needed to be reminded of this today. I just quit my job where I was being paid less than the minimum wage. When I asked to be paid the legal minimum, I was treated as though I was asking for something outlandish and ridiculous. But we really do need to be our own best friend and stand by our own judgment when we know we haven’t done the wrong thing, right? Thank you again.
Today is the day I decided to walk away from a Job that was a mistake from the start. I am glad I did, its been coming for a while anyway.
Thank you Linsey. So true.
That’s incredible! My job is next of my list. Been here for close to 12 years. Grateful for the job but it no longer calls to me.
“we can’t be the best person we are meant to be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own. What the other person thinks of us is none of our business.” being brave and letting go. thank you. and i enjoyed how this post was written.
thanks Sarah!