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Do You Think You Need to Be Perfect to Be Accepted?

Hiding Behind Hood

“What you resist, persists.” ~C.G. Jung

There it is: Perfection, Eureka!—the holy grail of achievement, like an elusive mirage in the middle of a desert or that pesky little pot of gold we are always hunting for at the end of the rainbow, purring with all of its possibilities, protection, and promise.

Yet, despite its charm and the value we tend to assign to the trait, as well as on those who possess it, perfectionism ultimately leads to the same destination. In striving for perfection, we may soon find ourselves disappointed, dissatisfied, and even sometimes, knee-deep in suffering and denial, like I did.

What does it really mean to be perfect? To do things perfectly? To be a perfectionist?

For me, perfectionism is best described as a constant striving—the sense that you or the circumstances in your life are unacceptable as they are. This also goes far beyond a healthy desire for excellence or improvement.

The chance to do more and to be more consumed me. And ultimately, the chance to become the living, breathing, endlessly disciplined and carefully retouched image of my actual self was just too tantalizing.

It seemed to offer me the ability to control the circumstances as well as the people around me, shaping them all and living life according to my own terms and conditions.

We are often taught that along with perfectionism, and its corresponding high level of accomplishment, comes an automatic sense of admiration, security, certainty, and predictability—all acting as some sort of insurance or safeguard against the painful, frustrating, and seemingly unavoidable irritations and nuances of our day-to-day lives. 

What I realize now is this: I longed to be admired by all, yet truly seen and known by none. For me, perfectionism became a way to mask all those less-than perfect, too different or undesirable aspects of my self.

Growing up, I felt fundamentally different from my peers, which at the time, translated to feeling inferior and never quite fitting or blending in. I had decided I stood out like a sore thumb.

Being biracial and heavily influenced by my Peruvian culture growing up, I remember longing to fit in or to be more like those around me—to watch American television shows, to listen to American music and radio in the car, and to eat American food every night for dinner.

At school, I desperately hoped to fit in and be accepted, but despite my best efforts, oftentimes, I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

I did not understand then that what made me different actually gave me insight, depth, openness, compassion, and the ability to empathize with others.

I longed to push my differences deep down, far enough that I could just about convince myself that they had actually vanished, and that I was victorious.

Later on, my obsession with perfectionism and its illusion of control took up most of my time, consumed my mind, yet left me riddled with feelings of anxiety, depression, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and several increasingly unbalanced and unhealthy relationships in its wake.

It was never enough. The harder I tried, the more I felt sure I was failing, and the pain inside grew stronger. I came to better hide my true self, feeling ashamed of the parts that did not measure up.

I had already decided I was unworthy, because I was simply too bossy, too sensitive, too shy, too fearful, too quiet, too reactive, too emotional, too unfocused, too messy, too raw, and entirely too quirky. I was too imperfect as I was.

In being so judgmental of myself, it is no wonder that this critical perspective began to spread and apply to everything and everyone around me.

Once I am perfect, or closer to perfect, we find ourselves thinking, I will finally be that much closer to being able to truly and wholly accept and love myself. At last, I thought, I can be safe, decidedly removed from all judgment and ridicule—no longer vulnerable or ashamed.

I was no longer forced to see and accept things as they were—the good and the bad, all braided together into one and, always already beyond the span of my control.

The incessant worrying, people pleasing, and the constant search for external validation through the approval of others all culminated in the implosion of a four-year romantic relationship that I had been doing just about everything in my power and beyond to maintain—even at the expense of my overall well being.

This was my misguided attempt to ensure everything appeared seamlessly and seemingly picture perfect for everyone around me.

Nights spent crying and mornings where I could not bring myself to get out of bed, I knew I was drained and broken down. I could not keep pushing forward and denying myself, and I could no longer disguise or deny the chaos lurking only inches below the perfectly polished façade.

I had been denying my true self, my needs, my wants, and my feelings to the point where they became unintelligible to me. In fact, I am still working to decode, understand, and listen to them.

But I do know this much: What I was craving more than anything was to be seen and accepted for who I was—without all that extra effort and perfectionism piled on top.

I wanted to belong, to be desired, and to be loved for who I am already. And I was looking for that stamp of approval outside of myself and from others.

When I looked around me, all I could see were my unrealistically high expectations mirrored back at me. The seeds of expectation and subsequent suffering had now firmly taken root.

With reality on one side and my demands and expectations on the other, I found myself bridging the chasm, clinging to both sides, exhausted, and using nearly every last bit of energy in my reserve to unsuccessfully close the gap between expectation and reality.

The solution: complete and total acceptance of what is—of your present set of circumstances: self, feelings, wants, and needs, for better or for worse.

Here is the key: you don’t have to be happy with or even have chosen your present set of circumstances in order to acknowledge them or to simply see them as they are in their unfiltered state.

Not you, nor your circumstances, nor the people in your life need to be perfect (or even any different than they are at this exact moment) in order for you to accept them.

You can accept uncertainty, and you can accept that sometimes, temporarily, you may not be feeling happy, and you might even be feeling pain inside. Allow it. Feel it. Listen to it.

The reason this is possible is because everything changes—all circumstances and feelings are constantly rearranging, changing, and forever in flux. Nothing is truly permanent, fixed, or secure. And perfectionism does nothing to change that.

To accept means to see and to acknowledge what is—with brutal and unflinching honesty. It means seeing without resistance and reserving the desire to control or to change what you see. No more hiding from or resisting reality.

Fortunately, this is the foundation for genuine and enduring self-love, self-compassion, and being truly grounded and in touch with your true self. This in turn, becomes the most natural way of authentically being able share boundless and replenishing love and compassion with others.

Hiding man image via Shutterstock

About Jessica Jimenez

Writer, painter, technical recruiter, explorer, and forever student. Always already a work in progress.

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Kelli Cooper

Hi Jessica
Great post. I touched on a similar topic in a recent blog post. It is interesting because intellectually we know there is no such thing as being ‘perfect.’ How would we even define such a thing in terms of a human being anyway? But what we feel is often very different than what we know, and we do have this expectation of perfection.

I know when I first started my little personal development journey, there was this part of me that expected some perfect version of myself to come forth at some point, but I have for the most part let it go. We are way too hard on ourselves, and this is especially true of people who consciously are trying to improve themselves and their lives. I have managed to create a pretty great life and become a much happier person, in spite of not being ‘perfect’ and I have become much more comfortable with my ‘flaws.’ I try not to take myself so seriously, and show compassion for myself.

Great post!

Anna

Beautiful, thanks for sharing this Jessica. I’ve had a very similar experience, from childhood fears to the implosion of a 4 year relationship. Still in the process of learning to let go – but its always a process, and that’s the point isn’t it? Anyway, thank you again. This really helped.

SeeingtheLight

I feel like I could have written this post! So resonated with me and is the journey I am on now to accept myself as I am, accept my life as it is now and all that is around me. it’s the hardest, most gut wrenching journey …. but i know it will be worth it. thank you for sharing your story. it touched my heart.

Angel

Great post. I saw myself in you. What caught my attention somehow was the very fact that we share latinamerican heritage. It is so great to see that someone from a neighboring country, so close to my own has felt every single bit of what my life has been till recently. Thank you so much for sharing. I have definitely seen lately that I am not and was not alone in my state as I thought. Lots of love to you.

Anon

What & how you wrote totally “got me” & my complex feelings due to similar experiences. I saw me in your story & it touched my heart. Thank you so much for writing this. You don’t know how much this means to me.

Jessica Jimenez

Hi Kelli, Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment–and I would love to read your blog! I can absolutely relate to that struggle. I think it can help to remember that those “flaws” are ultimately what make you relatable and better able to be compassionate and empathetic to others–if we allow them to, they can create the foundation for our genuine connections with others.

Jessica Jimenez

Hi Anna, Thank you for your kind comment! I’m really glad that you found my post helpful. And I couldn’t agree more–it’s always a process, and therein lie all the possibilities 🙂

Jessica Jimenez

Thank you for sharing! I’ve found that being open and honest–and sharing my struggles with others have all helped immensely–but it’s always a work in progress. That being said, it is so worth it, because you are worth it–as you are, right now 🙂

Jessica Jimenez

Thank you for your comment, Angel! I hope you always remember that you’re never alone–and that there are always more similarities than differences between two people–just have to go beneath the surface 🙂 Lots of love to you too!!

Jessica Jimenez

Thank you for sharing, and I’m really glad it was helpful and resonated with you! I appreciate your kind words!

Tom

I think this post spoke volumes about my hidden perfectionism. I almost felt like you knew me better than I knew myself

Vicki

Thanks for the post. I always feel inadequate, not good enough and imperfect. Dating men who turn out to be shallow and focus on my imperfections (eg. perhaps I’m not the “ideal” weight) and constantly being rejected has made me feel depressed and inadequate. But I need to be happy within myself and know that I am fine the way I am. I mean, would I have really wanted to be in a relationship with those guys anyway? I shouldn’t look outside myself for validation, although with the media and society’s expectations on what is considered “accepted” and “perfect” make it difficult. I just wish people would accept each other without conditions. At least I am grateful for the terrific friends I have.

Jessica Jimenez

Hi Tom, thank you for sharing! I’m glad it was helpful 🙂

Jessica Jimenez

Hi Vicki, thank you for your openness! I couldn’t agree with you more! Love radiates from within–when you accept yourself as you are, first and foremost, you realize that you can still love yourself, even if others don’t, and you can still be at peace with yourself, even when the circumstances in your life are negative or painful. Lots of love to you!

mtlrp

Oh my, this could be me. I’ve been so troubled for so long–and
suffered through a LONG clinical depression–that I’ve driven so many
people away from me by trying to seek some perfection in myself. I often
put others down to make myself look good when really I was just feeling
horribly insecure.

Now I am clinging to a thread trying to save the relationship(s) that mean the most to me.Thanks for your insights… definitely things I need to think about.

Jessica Jimenez

Thank you for sharing! Awareness is the first step. In the meantime, try to be forgiving and compassionate to yourself. Much love to you!

Neha Singh

Thank you, truly, for beautifully articulating the struggle and sharing a way to deal with it head on.

Lashea Williams

I don’t even know what to say… I have been struggling with depression and feelings of inferiority and all kinds of negative mental tricks and traps for honestly all my life. 27 years. I have always struggled with feeling ashamed of my complexes so I rarely reach out for help, especially when I need it the very most. Alternatively I’ve probably googled just about every “why do I feel so ashamed..” or “is to too late for me…” or “I need help..” -like phrase you could think of. Lots of them helped (ish) but this is the first thing that I read that sounds exactly like me.
Its so beautifully written and really connects the feelings in my own soul which helps me realize (pardon if this is a simple discovery for most…but I tend to struggle realizing this=) that I am not alone. And the way I feel is hindering my growth and happiness, but not exclizive to me. People are people. Imperfect and beautiful and I need to keep this essay and keep it with me to help me stay in the moment and more aware of myself and my feelings for and around others.
This may be getting wordy and indecipherable, I just want to say thank you for writing this. If nothing else, know you are really helping the life of a 27 year old sista from Massachusetts. Bless

Rinat Turganbekov

A very good article, exactly how I feel. And it really makes my life miserable, I’m never content with anything. I look at your picture and think: wow she looks so beautiful and successful, how come she feels that way, she’s already perfect.