“The most important distinction anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and their connection with others.” ~Anne Linden
After growing up in a household with extremely loose emotional boundaries, I soon learned the importance of establishing my own personal boundaries as quickly and clearly as possible. And, in recent years, I have even managed to become more eloquent about when and how to set them.
I grew up in a home with my grandmother, mother, and older sister. Grandmother was an immigrant from Hungary who came to America right after WWI. Her husband also came from Hungary a few years later, opened his own butcher shop in New Jersey and died right before the wedding of their only child, my mother.
My grandmother moved into my mother’s newly established household right away. Although she contributed to expenses, and eventually childcare, she had a very strong personality and tended to dominate the emotional climate of the household, sometimes with a mere look or a snide word.
Because of this, my mother felt habitual anxiety and quiet judgment, while my father eventually left.
Throughout her failing marriage, my mother made the best decisions she could for her family, in the midst of my grandmother’s steadily voiced opinions, while my sister and I acted as the emotional sponges of the household, as all children do.
And as the younger sister, I had three strong, female personalities trying to temper uncertainty with an attempt to control whatever and whoever they could, resulting in an invasiveness that seemed to soak into my skin.
Nevertheless, I established an underlying anxiety with a quietly strong and outwardly mellow personality.
But whenever I became slightly aware that a person around me crossed into my zone of emotional intrusiveness, I would institute a quick and firm boundary, be it a mean word or complete disregard, often at the expense of kindness.
At times this seemed necessary and effective, and other times, the solid and immediate boundary was slightly aggressive, mostly pointless, and my anxiety turned inward to anger anyway.
More often than not, the person I was dealing with had made a simple error in judgment, or I perceived the situation incorrectly.
Nevertheless, I continued on this path until my mid-thirties when I was introduced to Buddhism and the idea that empathy, kindness, and the credence of fundamental goodness were paramount to living an authentic life.
Although I thought my quick reactions and unyielding boundary setting for myself were based in genuineness, I was wrong.
Rigid boundaries were my way of trying to swiftly rid myself of uncomfortable feelings, like anger and fear, often before I had all of the information, and never in a way that evoked compassion.
As it turned out, I was unequivocally avoiding the present moment and trying to make it less prickly, while I focused on asserting my great, big self. It turned out to be mostly about me, not much about reality, and nothing about kindness.
Overall, I believe that being assertive is a useful personality trait. But, when unnecessary assertion of self became my go-to reaction in daily situations, it began to feel somewhat silly and clearly was not the person I intended to be.
Asserting yourself when all that is required is kindness and compassion is not assertiveness at all; it is selfishness.
Today, my initial motto in most situations that bring me discomfort is, “Do no thing.” This is not the same as passivity, because it is followed up for four additional habits that allow my values of kindness and compassion to be more in line with my actions and reactions.
1. Do no thing.
I was a witness to 9/11. When I saw the buildings go down and looked up at the Empire State Building from my office window, I knew that structure was the next likely target and an immediate, quick decision needed to be made.
The directors at my office told us to “stay put” in the building, because they believed it was even more dangerous on the street.
So we sat for the next two hours, and no other planes crashed into the city. In that moment of clear and present danger, the best thing that could be done was nothing and to just reside in the moment as it unfolded.
I have rarely been in personal situations that needed to be handled immediately. Nevertheless, more often than not, I did handle every social exchange immediately, just to avoid the anxiety of not taking care of that situation.
I spoke from an impulsive reaction and acted in a similar way. Many times, this resulted in regretful words or behaviors as well as hurt feelings. If only I had done nothing, waited to react, then decided to respond when the words and the time were right, I might have felt more authentic and better more often.
2. Self-ish may be too selfish.
When our only concern is the skin on our backs, we neglect to see the vast picture, including those around us and the earth. In fact, we only see a very minute part of the picture, our own selves.
When we respond to a situation as a whole, we are not sacrificing ourselves; in fact we are becoming our authentic self and surrendering to the whole of the circumstances, which is closer to the truth.
3. Clarity can be gentle.
Most reactions happen with only part of the information. One helpful way to gauge when and how to set a boundary, and avoid shutting the world out, is to ask further questions such as, “Did you mean to say that in this way?” or, “Do you intend to give this inconsiderate message?”
When the answer is “no,” then you and the other person can communicate and find the real message, a common ground and hopefully mutual, social fulfillment.
4. Humility goes a long way.
When we feel sad, bad, or scared, we often blame the behavior of someone else and establish our emotional boundaries around that censure. But most times, this seemingly thoughtless or intrusive person is rarely intending to hurt us, and simply doing the best they can with what they have in their own social climate.
In fact, whatever anyone else does or says usually has very little to do with us.
We sometimes believe we are the center of the universe, the star actor in our own dramatic movie. We worry about what others think of us, how others treat us, and what we are getting from each situation. Actually, we are just one of a few billion ordinary people who all want the same things like love, attention, and happiness.
When we set boundaries with the realization that we make mistakes too, being kind is much easier. We hear it all the time: “No one is perfect.” Well, this includes us, and when we remember that, the behavior of others becomes less poignant to our ego, and we can act out of compassion rather than anger.
5. “I’m sorry” is a perfectly perfect last resort.
I use this one, and I use it often. I make mistakes in my interpersonal interactions and inevitably cross the emotional boundaries of others. Sometimes this happens to me daily.
Mostly, the best I can do when I have crossed a boundary by saying an unkind word, disregarding the feelings of another, or snipping at my husband is to simply say, “I’m sorry,” and move on.
When we finally realize that everyone is constantly just doing their best to live among other people, we have fewer resentments, less moments of anger, and can then have the emotional space to generate compassion instead of resentment.
Photo by Bob Jagendorf
About Holly Hurban
Holly Hurban has her Ph.D. in Criminal Justice and has published entries in the Law Enforcement Encyclopedia, yet is energized by creative writing. She is trained in contemplative Shambhala Art and Miksang Photography. Two photos are on exhibit at Dragonfly Gallery at Rosedale in Austin through the holidays. Follow her on Twitter and Fotoblur.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you for your wise observations of
human nature.
To welcome, allow, and even love others for
their own individualism, is certainly an asset to everyone!
#3 is especially true. I had a falling out with a friend where asking “Did you mean to say that in this way?” would have completely changed the entire outcome of the situation.
Since that fight I have been learning to take time out and not analyse what people say to me as much. It has made me much more at peace with things.
Thank you very much for your wise words…..
Beautifully articulated! Thank you…makes me want to hug and kiss my kiddies more! 🙂
Great piece! It took me far too many years to realize this.
This is a wonderful article. However, I don’t think this is true: “…everyone is constantly just doing their
best to live among other people, we have fewer resentments, less moments
of anger, and can then have the emotional space to generate compassion
instead of resentment.” I was in a situation where I did #3 – asked “did you mean to sound like this [insert horrible nastiness]” and was met with “yes, I did”. I think sometimes, there are people who are broken and aren’t ready/willing to fix that. When met with that response, I was completely shocked and unfortunately, had to sever ties. The person, a family member, is toxic. I do feel compassion for them, and sadness for their unhappiness in themselves. This site has been so helpful in my recovery from that event!
I was going to make a similar comment. I don`t think that “everyone is just doing their best to live among other people”. If that were true, then why did Hitler, Stalin, Saddam, and others commit atrocities against fellow humans ? To a lesser degree, why do people rob others, rape others, insult others, spread lies about others, etc. ?
There are a LOT of people out there who try to find their happiness by harming others, in one way or another.
I was intrigued by the title of this article because I’m curious if I have done this in the past. After reading, I felt the article is too vague and I don’t understand it. There were no life examples of how the author shut people out and what was said. What does it mean to do this, without examples I don’t know if I am doing this or not. How did she wrongly set boundaries and what would be the correct way?
Nicole,
You’re on it……sometimes when people are not who we want them to be, then we don’t see the beauty of who they are. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Deli,
Sorry for the lack of clarity you experience here. Mainly, I tend to be “short” with people or “unkind” when I feel like someone is being overbearing. Of course, this is based on my own perception, so there are tons of times when I am just annoyed at whatever I’ve created in my head about someone and the story in my head about how and why they are acting a particular way. You’re right, it is a vague experience and very hard to describe. I would be super-interested in how you set the emotional boundaries in your life. I bet you have a ton of insight. Thanks for the honesty in your comment.
Hi cca-a,
Thank you for sharing this. I think we’ve all experienced people who are in such a place of hurting, that they DO intend on being mean. It has been said, “Hurt people, hurt people.” When I remember the times I’ve been hurt and then lashed out, I also try to remember that horrible feeling of those times, like I was stuck and had no choice but to be mean. I feel lucky to have gotten to a place where I don’t want to be unkind anymore, even if I am hurting. It sounds like your family member hasn’t gotten there yet. That’s great that you made a choice that was healthy for you. Thank you for your comment.
Hi Dave,
Yes, there are so many examples of people who try to find solace by bringing pain to others….we see it everywhere. But, I don’t think they actually ARE finding happiness at all. They are in a much darker place than we will hopefully ever be. In my meditation practice, I am working on trying to humanize everyone because the more I see, the more I think kindness to everyone is the only agent of change in a world that is extremely harsh and unforgiving at times. I may be very wrong, who knows, but I do know that actively looking for fundamental goodness in even the worst people gives me hope and light. Thank you for your comment, and I very much get where you are coming from.
Hi Autumn,
Thank you for your comment. 🙂
kk,
The more hugs and kisses, the better! Thanks for commenting.
Thank you for commenting, Sarah. Have a great day.
Terra,
I lost a 20 year friendship to this one too. I wanted to seek clarification, but my friend did not. It still seems so silly to me. We all are just acting on those stories we create in our own mind. When we see that for what it is, you’re right, there is much more peace about things. Thanks for commenting.
This was exactly what I needed to read today. I think the “do no thing” will become my new manta.
I tend to agree with you on an emotional level, but realistically I have found that extending kindness and compassion to some people has only resulted in their mistaking my kindness for permission to try to take advantage of me yet again. There are some people, who when met with even the smallest gesture of kindness, take that as an invitation to come in and take exactly what they need no matter what it will end up costing me. In those instances, it has been better to compassionately close the door and move on. That is the kindest thing I was able to do in that situation. It has not been easy, but every time I think about cracking the door to see if anything has changed, I’m swiftly reminded that nothing has changed and so I know that I can not go back.
Sneja,
I have a post-it note in my office that just says “Do No Thing”….it has helped me tremendously almost daily. Thank you for your comment.
Dharma,
Extending kindness to yourself is actually the best thing to do in so many situations. It sounds like walking away is the kindest thing to do for what you describe (both for you and the other people who is taking advantage). I certainly never think that allowing someone to be hateful or spiteful is a good idea, and at the same time, it isn’t always necessary to come back at that person with the same spite. When I think about it, being the person who remains grounded in compassion and love (even if you have to walk away) is all around better than being the person who is hateful and hurting. Thank you for your comment.
Wow! This one really resonates with me. Thank you 🙂
Very good article. Thank you.
My case was different. When I look back, I honestly feel the friendship would have ended even without the falling out. We both needed different things from the relationship. I’ve made peace with that, though I definitely struggle with how things ended. It was a very nasty and ugly break.
With the help of this site and articles like yours I have been able to learn and grow from the experience. I still feel pains of guilt here and there (I was more at fault in the falling out), but I’ve been slowing accepting the situation and how to better myself.
Cool. Thanks for the comment.
Thanks, jj. Have a great evening.
I love what you said here. This is very true and important too remember. When people are just learning about trying to set boundaries we can very easily have too strict of boundaries. Unfortunately, by doing so, we can cut ourselves off from learning and really growing. So it’s definitely worth asking for more clarity and striving to be humble. Thanks for posting!
excellent post.. ingoramtive stuff… thanks for posting such stuff..
have a look here
Incredibly helpful Holly. I just spent a weekend with my family (as so many of us did!) and I lashed out aggressively trying to set boundaries – hurting not only my family members, but myself as well. Your suggestions for alternative ways of approaching these situations are very helpful!
I’ve had many o’ family “situations” like the one you describe. In the past few years, I’ve also tried humor with them where we can all laugh at ourselves. It works too, and I am lucky we’ve all gotten to a place where we can laugh at our various eccentricities. The one thing I have gotten much better at though, is going back and apologizing for the “mean” boundary-setting, while maintaining the boundary and being true to myself. Thanks for your comment, Carrie.
Hi Jennifer,
It is funny for me to be someone in her 40s and still learning about emotional boundaries. We’re all clarifying and learning all the time, and nothing is ever black and white (wouldn’t it be nice if it were that easy). Thank you for your comment.
I see, very interesting. I think I might just do this from time to time but in the opposite way described. I try not to say unkind words or be short with people (maybe because I care too much if people think i am a nice person), even though I might be thinking something unkind towards them. Not judging your way, just noticing another way someone could set boundaries by not dealing directly with the person or issue. I guess we all do it in different ways. I think I might go inward when something or someone is bothering me, and I think maybe I do this by just simply ignoring people’s emails, phone calls, etc. Or maybe “punishing” someone if I am upset with them by ignoring them or getting space from them. These might not be the most productive ways of dealing with the issue either. But I also think there isn’t anything wrong with just getting space and time away from someone, especially if they are actually crossing a (correct) boundary. It could give you more time to cool down and let go of preconceptions of what they are thinking or saying. I am trying to/have worked on this with certain family members by just trying to be more honest in a nicer way, instead of ignoring the problem, to tell them I am not comfortable with something they are doing or they way they are communicating,etc.
While reading this article there were moments when I brokeout in tears, reflecting on how I was to others especially to my family years ago. I have hurt so many people knowingly and unknowingly. This is an area of me that needed to be addressed. Thank you so much again for this wonderful article.
I recognise a lot of what is being said in this article – while I age, I feel more of what you say inside me – yet – how would you suggest one should respond to a person I find as behaving as a malignant narcissist – someone who I have to admit I made a joke about – in a time when I felt accepted and happy to be among my peers I made a joke… this person initially responded in a creative and positive way to this moment between us – however for whatever reason inside him he removed his positive response and has spent this year quietly goading and undermining me resulting in him taking the borders I set between him and I – for him to leave me alone – and removed our whole peer group to a place where I can’t see them – another online forum – I miss the background noise of those people talking – have been left in a room seemingly alone if you will.. I cannot see any other way forward other than to try to accept this act and seek peace with this new construct… having faith that I am a valuable and meaningful presence – to be patient while I wait for my friends to return… and if they don’t – to be happy with those things that I have and feel confident are genuine – this has been a difficult and exhausting year… I must end and say clearly that these articles in this place are inspirational – thank you.
Dear Scott, whole groups tend not isolate the individual in the right- they usually move away from the offending person. Without more details I obviously can’t comment in detail- but the most common experience I have had Is a narcissist will think that everyone else is to blame and really they just need to take a step back and look at themselves. I hope this helps
I think what has happened is I appealed to the group when the narc’ would be attacking me – through this I became in a way the source from the groups perspective – so the narc’ appealed to them that they should all move away for some peace… the others now come to me in person to appeal to me to make amends with the narc’ – for the good of the group – for harmony… I am understood to be the aggressor – the narc’s manipulations are complete – he talks about how he does not understand why I dislike him so much – so all I can do now is rely in my actual real world interactions over time to come into discordance with his manipulative messages against me – I have in a sense surrendered as none of my peers could or would accept the idea that so enthusiastic and charming a fellow would behave in the way I described – when I show evidence, it makes me look like a stalker… – thank you for replying to me – I find any understanding to be so helpful.. a lot.
Wow, Tilly hit the nail on the head!
Scott, we both know this is the biggest load of rubbish you’ve ever written, and there has been a lot recently. I have made another offer of meeting up again with you to try and talk out our differences. This offer doesn’t expire. As promised I haven’t been on your website for a few months now (and I never tried to hack it, not even sure what that is!) The problem is it seems you enjoy not getting along with me and quite a few others. If you want to FINALLY put it behind us, why not just give me a call and we can talk about it? As we talked about in the beginning, if you make a joke about someone and they get upset, the NORMAL thing to do is stop making the joke or apologise. Not spend the next year bullying online on every forum you can find and then when most of your friends stop talking to you because you’ve taken it to far, start writing more lies on every personality disorder website you can find!
I’m still up for putting this behind us and moving on, contact me if you ever feel the same.
you follow me here you follow me there… I will not meet with you on that level and will tolerate you only to be able to fly myself – I have gained both support and understanding from these places something I will continue to do until this is out of my system – now – BACK OFF
You lie about me all over the internet, I have completely left you alone with only one contact in the last month asking if you want to meet up for a drink to try and forgive and forget. You can’t expect to publicly lie about a person and direct them to your website full of more lies and then expect them to ‘back off’. Spreading malicious untruths all over the place will not help you get better.
which part is a lie…
http://www.stovolando.co.uk/protagonists/thetwits/
Unless you’ve now convinced yourself to start believing you’re own lies then you know what you’ve made up. You play the victim very well. All of your friends told you to stop your online bullying, you didn’t. You carried on being spiteful and highly opinionated, hiding behind ‘it’s only a joke’- your friends begged you to stop, you didn’t. Time went past and you apologised for acting like a ‘tw@t’ your word not mine. We got on for a while until you started all over again with your bullying and attempt at belittling. Almost all of your friends have left you alone whilst you’re in this destructive mood. I sincerely want to put this behind us and have tried on countless times. I will still not click on the above link as I promised you I wouldn’t go on your website, but I did read it when you first posted it and we both know its not the real story.
I respectfully offer another version of the above here:
http://www.stovolando.co.uk/protagonists/thetwits/
the very fact that you follow me here – write the above is telling in itself – I find my learning about NPD and the support I gain from the understanding of others renders your behaviour nothing more than a curiosity – I should thank you for writing your perception of this year so succinctly, its interesting to read. I do not care to endeavour to see you apologise or otherwise acknowledge your behaviour, it no longer troubles me, you are nothing more than a curiosity, on that appeals to my analytical mind, cognition and evolutionary psychology being particular interests of mine so I should thank you for presenting me with an interesting study subject. I will write about this, I will pick it apart, I will deconstruct your behaviour and that of your cohort for as long as I wish and in exhaustive detail – I am not interested in how others view this Luke – I am not in the business of some sort of “Luke Nicol” game show like race for adulation – I will write and explore until I feel I have written and explored enough – until I have vomited out your bile all over the internet.
While Holly on a fantastic article. I particularly like point 3.
Most reactions do in fact happen only with only a part of the information. Probably because we tend to have a myopic viewpoint and assign one factor to an event that we don’t like. That’s certainly true for me.
This is where the Buddhist principles of interdependence and impermanence are so powerful for me.
I have been trying to see unpleasant situations as multifactorial and arising from a confluence of preceding events. This significantly reduces my tendency to regress into ‘black and white’ thinking which is what I do when I’m feeling victimised.
There is so much wisdom in the Buddhist approach.
Thanks again for a great article.
It is so true that we respond to stories in our mind as compared to what is actually happening.
Our interpretations (based on stories in our heads) are often far away from what is actually happening. Great comment.
I don’t think kindness means continuing to let someone walk all over you. Kindness may mean leaving, but, in my opinion, means closing that door with compassion rather than leaving with a hurtful word that then causes more damage.
Thanks for this. It’s come up in my own life recently where a “boundary” was set without discussion. It’s hurtful to feel someone shut a door without knowing why. Kind and clear boundary-setting seems paramount in all types of relationships, which does not mean hanging around if the boundaries are violated again and again. It just means compassionately stating what they are in the first place and then compassionately acting if they continue to be violated. I know I’m not necessarily very good at articulating my boundaries sometimes, too, and I’d like to get better at that. But I’m glad to see “kindness” and “boundaries” spoken about together. One can be kind to someone one thinks is a bad person. Kindness is simply not being mean. I truly believe that we can even speak difficult truths with kindness, even if we’re choosing to leave someone’s life.
Holy smokes, this is amazing. Thank you for sharing these beautifully articulated insights.
“we are just one of a few billion ordinary people who all want the same things like love, attention, and happiness”. Beautifully expressed and good to remember when our egos think we need great big boundaries. I tend to think I under-do boundaries but I’ve just realised that both extremes come from fear. Whether you tell people what’s what or hesitate to speak when you need to – both are fearful. Thinking about this, I realise I also snap and put up walls – it’s easier than being vulnerable and truthful when it really matters. Thanks, Holly
I have to agree with this comment as well. I try my best to keep empathy and compassion in mind however, I’ve had to recently end a friendship due to this. They took my giving nature for granted and while I have a few hang ups about the way I was treated. I realized I too played a role by not setting a healthy boundary. I’m more careful now, with the way I express my compassion. Ultimately I would like to believe that people are fundamentally good however, there are those who see it as a weakness that can be exploited. I still wrestle with finding a balance between healthy and unhealthy giving in a relationship. I’ve learned to trust my gut feeling if something is wrong. I used to ignore the warning signals but now I realize, just how drained I was. I don’t know why but when I pity someone, I feel I have to give them my everything, even if they don’t value my presence as much as I value theirs. In the past I thought compassion for those less fortunate, regardless of the situation was the ideal, but I realized that I needed from relationships as well. A healthy relationship is not supposed to be one sided. I think closing the door firmly and tightly was the best way to go about this for me. I hope the universe grants everyone here happiness, peace, love, joy and healthy boundaries.
This is a really great blog post! Setting boundaries I think is a constant struggle for everyone. We are quick to make a decision about our interpersonal relationships when we can’t tolerate uncomfortable feelings.
This article was helpful to me because I tend to shut people out and I’m trying to do better with that, but here’s the thing, I don’t think that most people are doing their best to live among other people.There are people that intentionally want to ruin your day, and its not because that is the best they can be, its because some people are so spiteful they want to hurt people. We can’t assume that everyone is trying to do the work to improve themselves just because we are. How do I deal with rotten people on a daily basis without becoming bitter about humanity?