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Developing Self-Compassion When You Don’t Think You’re Enough

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“He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” ~Lao Tzu

I’m at war with enoughness.

My stomach isn’t flat enough; I’m not extroverted enough; I don’t have enough money in my wallet; I’m not creative enough; I’m not getting enough work done.

There are times when the Jaws of Life cannot free me from my expectations and negative self-talk. The battle with enoughness is a vicious cycle. 

Here’s an example: I’m both shy and introverted, so I’m afraid of being judged and I prefer quiet environments.

I was easily overlooked in school because I was reluctant to participate verbally in class.

During work meetings my ideas were mere whispers compared to the loud shouts from some of my extroverted coworkers.

Because I prefer staying home on Friday nights, my peers often ask me, “What’s wrong?”

I’ve convinced myself that something must be wrong with me, so when I have the opportunity to do something social, I either don’t go or I walk into the situation feeling self-conscious and inadequate. 

Both of these choices fuel criticism. “See, I told you so,” my inner critic says. “You really aren’t enough!”

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines enough as “occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.”

When I criticize myself for not being enough or having enough, whose expectations am I trying to meet?

It’s too easy to point my finger at society—the society that favors those with the loudest voices; equates self-worth with “what I do for a living;” and glamorizes infidelity, drug abuse, and teenage pregnancy. We’re all affected by the society we live in, there’s no question about it.

With that said, we have to take full responsibility for our lives, and that includes tending to our own impossible expectations. 

In the words of Mary Oliver, “You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.”

I have good news and I have bad news. Here’s the bad news: No one is coming to save you from your negative self-talk (addiction, abusive relationship, or draining job).

And the good news? Facing the truth that you’re responsible for your life is incredibly liberating.

This truth has motivated me to start treating myself better. If you’re anything like me, you’re your own worst enemy, so we could all use a bit more TLC.  Reclaim your self-compassion with the following three steps.

1. Open your journal and draw a line down the center of the page. 

For one day, record your self-talk in the left column. Then read over everything you wrote down.

How many negative things did you tell yourself? How many positive things did you tell yourself? What issues were you especially negative about (for example, body image)?

The point here is to become more aware of your thoughts. In the right column, write a positive thought next to each negative thought. When you read over the positive list, let the truth of how wonderful and lovable and beautiful you are sink in.

2. Set realistic goals for yourself. 

All too often, fueled by our impossible expectations, we set unattainable goals.

For example, I worked for an English-language newspaper in Germany, and when I went to my first meeting I wanted everyone to like me.

I had the same goal during the second meeting and all the meetings that followed, so I was hypersensitive to even the tiniest bit of criticism. I continued to be let down, which gave me more reason to criticize myself.

Be my authentic self during the meetings—now this is a more realistic goal. That way, if my coworker said he didn’t like one of my ideas, for instance, I wouldn’t have taken it as a personal attack.

3. Every day write down at least one thing (or five things!) you’re grateful for. 

Remember the children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Just like Alexander, we’ll have days when everything goes wrong. And that’s okay.

When you sleep through your alarm clock, your computer crashes and you lose your report, and your date cancels at the last minute, be mindful of the simple things: a hot shower, clean socks, or your dog greeting you at the door.

Shifting your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have will boost your well-being.

Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change the way we perceive others.

If we tell ourselves we’re unlovable because we don’t have a significant other, what’s going to stop us from thinking our friend is worthless when she tells us that she is getting divorced?

Recently during a yoga class, my teacher said something that made me catch my breath (literally):

If someone says, “I love you,” it reflects the way she feels about herself; similarly, if someone says, “I hate you,” it reflects the way she feels about herself. I’ve never thought of it this way before, but it makes so much sense!

Practicing self-compassion is not just for our own benefit; practicing self-compassion also benefits the people around us.

Photo by Juanedc

About Taylor Isaacson

Taylor Isaacson is a lover of yoga, reading, the mountains, and sweet potatoes. She shares her journey of self-discovery in her eBook, The Gift of Anxiety: 17 Ways to Relieve Anxiety while Finding out Who You Are.

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sridevi

I totally understand what yu meant when you said if we think we are unlovable cos we don’t have a significant other..we would think the same when we hear that a friend is getting divorced! our judgements and perceptions about ourselves reflect on our relationship with others.
Thanks for the thoughtful article.:)

Sneha

When i read your article,i felt that i was reading something about me.Im in the same condition as u described which helps me as i now know that im not the only one going through this.Like u i don’t want to stay like this forever and so,i would like to thanks you for making me realise that Yess i can change and become a happier person 🙂

Marina

Great article! Thanks for writing this…it’s like you’re in my head! 🙂 In trying to be more comfortable with myself, I started reading Susan Cain’s Quiet, which has some wonderful perspective on introversion.

Veronica Lopez

Wow, I thought this only happened to me! It’s so difficult to feel so unconfortable with ourselves, not knowing even how to behave in different situations. Thank you for sharing this!

lv2terp

Thank you for sharing your story, experience and wonderful tips to transform! I love when you said “I have good news and I have bad news. Here’s the bad news: No one is coming to save you from your negative self-talk (addiction, abusive relationship, or draining job).

And the good news? Facing the truth that you’re responsible for your life is incredibly liberating.” 🙂

Taylor

Thanks for your comment! Many of us are taught at a young age that our worries and woes will be taken away if _____ happens or if we fall in love with _____, and it’s that attitude that makes us feel victimized as adults. Enough already! 🙂

Taylor

Thanks so much for your comment, Veronica. You’re definitely not alone. It’s a daily struggle for many of us, and I think all we can do is trust our perfectly imperfect selves in every situation.

Taylor

Thanks! I l-o-v-e that book! I cried within the first chapter because she described me to a T. Thanks again for reading and your comment.

Taylor

I really appreciate your comment. When we’re unhappy, a typical go-to response is to feel isolated. But please, please, please remember that many of us are going through similar things. Best of luck on your journey!

Taylor

Thank you for your comment. If you’re interested in reading more about judgments and perceptions, I highly recommend Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink.” 🙂 Thanks again!

RL

Thank you Taylor for sharing this. I’ve struggled with perfectionism and feeling like most of what I do is not enough (for me), but have have not yet been successful in changing my viewpoint. Your tip #1 is extremely helpful and I can’t wait to start trying it! One question for you or others reading this: If I have these thoughts of not being enough so frequently that I don’t necessarily identify them when they happen, how do I get to a point where I can immediately say to myself “that’s a negative thought”? It’s such an ingrained habit that I have a hard time noticing it as it occurs.

Mallika

So amazing to have read this post just when I am going through the same in my life. Your words reflected my feelings in every sense.Thank you for sharing your story and making me realize that this is an issue several people face and one that can be overcome. It is so easy for me to pick out a million negatives in me and hate myself for it and so hard to find the good in me. I am the first to point out the negative in me and often look to others to appreciate me. But like you said, no one will come help us escape this vicious cycle.

Like you, I tend to only appreciate myself when I have reached a certain ‘level’ of achievement. With others, I appreciate their little efforts…but with myself, I have to be Number 1 to gain my approval. It is exhausting being this way and unfortunately, apart from a few very close people, most people would not like to spend their time making you feel good about yourself. I am realizing how important it is to respect yourself…for your own sake…I hope that I can slowly start making progress.

Thank you for your article! 🙂

stacey jones

I came across this article at the right time in my life. I am currently dealing with issues in which I am now aware that I lack compassion for myself and others. Its an ugly trait and I want to fix it. This article is so me. I am very over critical of myself because I too am an introvert. However, I have to learn to understand who I am, love myself and be able to love others. What a journey this will be. But its all worth it. Thank you for this article 🙂

Lindsay

Okay, so I feel like that is me writing what you wrote about being introverted! I am so incredibly shy and quiet until I get to know someone, but then everyone that I’m close with tells me that I’m so funny and fun to be around. Instead of focusing on the good, I tend to focus on the “I’m SO quiet, everyone will think I’m mean or a snob” rather than “I have several people that think I’m funny, so it must be true and these people will think that, too”. It’s very difficult to get on a “positive train” of thoughts once you have been letting the negatives take over for so long. Thank you so much for your words and suggestions…and for proving that even if you are introverted, you can still be amazing 🙂
~Lindsay

Dana

Hi Taylor,
I can so relate to your story.
As I grew up, and watched so many of my friends go out to the clubs and the parties, I would always have an internal battle going on because as much as I wanted to fit in and be accepted, I was (and still am) an introvert.
I eventually resorted to drinking, a LOT in public to take the sting of the small talk away.

Becoming aware of our thoughts is such a useful thing to do – and is necessary in order to understand the programming…which becomes a part of our identity from a very young age.
So we think our thoughts, but really, our thoughts ‘think us’ as we remain unaware.

I love your suggestions and I write about similar topics in my own blog. Maybe I’ll see you there sometime 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story.

Kevin

Thank you very much for this.You have no idea how much this helps. 🙂