“We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ~Alexander McCall Smith
We all know the importance of giving. In fact, it feels rather nice to give to others; we have all experienced that warm glow in the stomach when we do something thoughtful for another person or exchange kind words. To make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.
But sometimes, do we get so caught up in the giving that we forget to receive? And in doing so, do we give too much?
I have always been a people pleaser.
My parents were divorced when I was five years old. It was a complicated situation, one that I didn’t fully understand as a child.
My sister and I grew up with our grandparents, having contact with our dad during holidays, while the contact with our mum dwindled down to nothing.
I hadn’t realized until recently that my five-year-old self felt completely abandoned by my parents. We never talked about the situation as a family; feelings were not something you shared, so they stayed bottled up.
I grew up with the belief, deep down, that my parents left me because I wasn’t good enough.
As a consequence, I tried my best to be as agreeable as I could to everyone around me. This meant having no opinion, going along with what others wanted all the time, not communicating my needs, and trying my best not to upset anyone.
Then maybe, I would be good enough to love. This was pretty exhausting.
I developed OCD for a period of time, frequently staying in the bathroom for hours, performing hand-washing rituals until my hands were raw and brushing my teeth until my gums bled.
If I performed these rituals, bad things wouldn’t happen anymore. My granddad, who developed terminal cancer, eventually gave up his battle to the disease after a long period of suffering, and the rituals stopped.
Instead, I sunk further into depression.
As a result of my negative thinking patterns and my deeply held beliefs, I fell into a series of damaging relationships.
Just wanting to be loved, by them, by anyone, I desperately tried to make things work with guys who were either not right for me or, more often than not, emotionally unavailable. I was replicating the relationships that I had known from my childhood.
Relationships are equal give and take, not the constant giving that I had developed in the hope of making people love me back. Instead, ironically, this pushed people away.
The thing was, I was desperately looking for love, when deep down, I didn’t like let alone love myself. Secretly, I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; what could I offer to anyone?
I would sleep with men early on in the relationship, figuring that giving my body was the only thing of worth that I could offer.
It all came to a head when yet another relationship failed. Each time, the other person ended the relationship, which dealt a blow to my already fragile sense of self-esteem.
I’d slide into depressive episodes with scary frequency, when I would cry constantly, finding it a mammoth task to even just get out of bed, having no interest in life and isolating myself from people.
Then one day, I had serious thoughts of ending my life. It was then that I knew it was time to change.
Reaching out and receiving the help I needed was the best decision of my life. I spoke to my GP who referred me on to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counsellor.
This time, I was completely honest about what I was feeling; I told them about the suicidal thoughts, about not wanting to be here anymore so I wouldn’t feel the constant pain.
It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to tell them everything. I have had counselling before, but it hadn’t been right for me. Like most things, you need to keep trying until you find what speaks to you.
CBT, which challenges negative thoughts, helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.
Above all, it showed me that I actually had needs and wants; there were things that I wanted to do with my time and not just go along passively with other peoples’ decisions.
In giving all my time and attention to others and not taking the time to receive back from them, I was hiding from the fact that I didn’t feel I was worth other peoples’ efforts.
I was hiding from myself that I had deep-rooted issues that needed to be dealt with—and that I needed people to help me to do this.
There are a few things that I have learned through therapy:
1. Show yourself that you are worth caring for by starting to care for yourself.
A tendency of people pleasers is to give relentlessly without a thought for themselves. Take time for yourself, pamper yourself—do something kind for yourself each day.
2. Allow others to help you when it is needed, and don’t be scared to reach out.
You can start with small things, like asking a friend to pick up a parcel for you when they are passing the shop.
3. Surround yourself with people who help make you feel good about yourself.
I’m so lucky to have an incredibly supportive and loving sister who listens to me and helps when times are tough as well as good. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce your self-worth, not bring it down.
4. Say “no” occasionally.
It’s important to assess what your needs and wants are and communicate these with people. Saying “no” sometimes does not make you selfish; it means you are taking care of yourself, and you will attract more respect from others as a result.
5. Keep a positive journal.
Note anything that happens that makes you feel good—positive feedback from a boss, a kind word from your friend, a compliment from a stranger—and remember to accept these, not dismiss them.
6. Think about what you want from life.
Think about what makes you tick and therefore a more contented person, able to receive from others.
I’ve discovered my passion for photography, which has built up my confidence and therefore lessened my need to please people all the time.
7. Don’t be scared to have an opinion.
Occasionally, we really don’t mind either way. But if you do genuinely have an opinion on something, don’t be scared to speak up. People want to know the real you, not someone you think they want.
—
I am working through this journey of self-discovery, and no doubt, always will be.
I am learning to accept the good things that people do for me and the kind words they say. I’ve realized that you don’t have to be perfect for people to love you. You don’t have to constantly give for people to want to spend time with you.
I am enough.
For the first time in my life, I’m devoting the time and attention I normally would reserve solely for other people to myself. You don’t want to forget about others, but you also don’t want to forget about yourself.
In doing so, I’m building up my sense of self-worth and becoming more able to accept love from others. And just maybe, I’m also letting that other person feel a warm glow in their stomach too.
Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock
About Lizzy Doole
Lizzy is currently finding her way in life and learning about herself. She’s developed an interest in mindfulness and compassion, which she cultivates through daily meditation. In doing so, she has tapped into her inner creativity, developing a passion for writing and photography. Through positive encouragement from others, she’s in the process of developing a website to showcase her photos: www.lizzydoolephotography.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This really hit home for me.
So what is it that we need, that we “deserve to receive” (as in the title)?
Hi Lizzy,
I just wanted to thank you for being so transparent here. It takes courage.
You are enough. I am enough. Such freedom in this.
Please receive my gratitude! 🙂
We deserve to receive what we need for ourselves. Taking care of ourselves, not just other people. Not forgetting about ourselves. Basically, self-love.
Thank you for sharing Lizzy. I am happy for you. Not only have you grown and learned from your life experiences, you are helping others out. For most of my life I have been the “giver” in all of my relationships. It’s not healthy because after a while we forget about ourselves and our needs. Now that I am older I realize how important it is to keep a balance. It actually feels really good to treat myself. Why not? I deserve it! =) I am there for others as much as I can be, within healthy limits. Take care!
Thank you. I have felt and I am still feeling the same way you were. I am feeling unloved, and I need love. I need someone to love me. However I am having trouble loving myself. And I too have thought about ending my life. These thoughts pop into my head once in a while. I try to keep them at bay. But I know what it is like to be alone, to feel alone.
I give myself to people. But I do not know nor do I think that people realize how much I give them. And now I have someone who is demanding too much for me and he is trying to get me to do something that I do not want to do, and this is giving me anxiety. I do not like this person and I want this person to leave me alone, I have blocked this person from my life, but he just won’t go away.
You article among others has given me some guidance. I want to thank you.
Hello Halina,
Thank you so much for your lovely comments and taking the time to post here.
You are very welcome 🙂 I am very happy that you have taken something from my post!
‘Freedom’ is an excellent way to describe the realisation that loving yourself for who you are is in itself enough.
Thank you for sharing 🙂
Hello,
Thank you for sharing this – I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one to experience these struggles. I hope this post brings you some comfort and support too. Know that you are worth loving.
Much love to you 🙂
Thank you Peace Within! 🙂 That is exactly what my post is about. ‘What you need’ can differ from person to person, but the end result is taking care of your own needs and knowing that it is not selfish to do so. This happens from a place of self-love.
Thank you for the great question Laurence 🙂
Hi, A very serious problem of our own identity crisis. Same I am going through….. Really appreciate you for sharing your thoughts. God bless you.
Thank you Peace Within for your kind words 🙂 I can completely relate to what you are saying. Healthy relationships should always be about give and take from both sides. If you are not able to accept the love from others, how are you able to properly give love?
Yes you do deserve to treat yourself 🙂 We all do. Never forget others, but don’t forget yourself.
Thank you for the wonderful post, really appreciated. Take care 🙂
Thank you for this honest post Talya, it really touched me.
I can completely understand the feelings and thoughts that you struggle with. Give yourself a hug and know that it is OK to feel that way. The more you focus on yourself, your needs, your wants and what makes YOU happy, the more it becomes easier to love yourself. Some days are hard, but I continue to be kind to myself and know that those thoughts will pass.
You are already demonstrating your self-love by blocking this person out of your life. You deserve to be with people who create a positive environment and not one of anxiety. No-one should ever make demands on us that we cannot or don’t want to meet. Keep strong. Sometimes people struggle when we show that strength and don’t give in to their demands. But just focus on you, and the wonderful person that you are.
You are very welcome and I am happy that I have helped in some way.
Much love 🙂
Beautiful … so open and so beautiful! Thank you for this post! Love and light to you ~ Sarah
Hello Rituraj,
Thank you so much for sharing and your lovely words. I think you’re right, especially in today’s society where there are so many different demands put on us. It can feel difficult at times to separate what we think we need and what we actually need for ourselves.
It really helps to hear that others have the same struggles too, so thank you for sharing this. You’re welcome – I hope that this has helped you and brought some comfort to you too. Take care of yourself.
Much love 🙂
LIzzy, thank you for your great perspective. My personal favorite is keeping a positive journal. Three items each day before I go to bed and then I get up and read them in the morning. We all have good and bad days, but there is even good in a bad day. Sometimes you just write, “thank you for waking me up today to see another day” and “thank you for allowing me to breathe today”. We take so much for granted and then our minds trick us into believing nothing is good.
Nothing can be further from the truth.
Hello Sarah,
Thank you so much for your wonderful words, very touching to me.
You are very welcome 🙂
Much love and light to you 🙂
Hi Lizzy,
Thank you for sharing your story, it really spoke to me. I have always struggled with self-worth and am finally starting to make some progress, 35 years later! I have also had to do a lot of work but its been worth it, and as you, I expect I’ll be working on it some more, but it’s all good:)
Those people in life, who believe in you, in me, we must listen to them and tune into our true selves to stay in the present, and to know that the past doesn’t define us.
Keep doing what you love, and keep sharing.
Rachel
Hey Lizzy, thank you for penning down this very real article and sharing it with us. Today is probably a not-so-good day where I feel like a total failure in life. I needed a dose of motivation and I saw your article. I feel better after reading.
I am enough.
Still learning and will never stop learning. Thank you once again. 🙂
Lizzy!
I feel like I am just getting to this space where I am over being a people pleaser. I am learning to let people do things for me and learning to be a little selfish. I need my me time and I need to replenish my inner self too. I just learned how to say no with out feeling bad about it. I am just glad it is not just me!
My heart broke when you said your 5 year old self felt like you weren;t good enough. I cna understand that feeling as growing up I was very unattractive and to add to it I was overweight, flat chested and had braces until graduating highschool… I too have had my share of guys that weren’t even worthy of my phone number but I was just too desperate to care. I too just wanted to be loved….
What’s so crazy is that I thought I could hide it all but the universe makes sure you get the point it is trying to make and it was not until my current relationship (someone who I thought I was out of their league, because even though I went through puberty in my 2nd year of school and now I am a size 8, I still feel as though I am the girl from my school days) where there was no place to run, no where to hide, just you and that person. I had to come to terms with the issues I was choosing to ignore because it was going to cost me the man that I love and who intern really just loves nothing more than to see a smile on my face. Never had a love like this… never had someone just love me in spite of everything. I have done it but to be on the receiving end it just different and amazing and scary all at the same time.
Thanks for sharing and you are such a brave woman. I am glad you open your closet and let some of those ghost go and had the balls to share it with us!!! =D
Lizzy what a great article. Sharing your journey including the pain is so powerful and will help others through their own pain. When we let down our defences and show the world who we really are magic happens! I wish that for you. I really like your positivity journal idea. It takes gratitude to the next level. I can see it helping to rewire the brain to see more positive in life. Great job and blessing on your journey!
Hello Lizzy.
Thank you for sharing your experiences of life. It was a great insight and guidance for me as to how to overcome negativity.
Take care.
“CBT, which challenges negative thoughts,
helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It
showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about
my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.” Thank you for that REMINDER again & being vulnerable in sharing your story! Happy for you that you are finally taking the time to learn the art of self-love & are in a better place now…:)
Hello Bullyinglte,
Thank you for your wonderful post. I think it is fantastic that you keep a positive diary 🙂 You are absolutely right. It is really eye-opening when you start taking note of all the positive things that happen each day, even when it seems to be a bad day. I was surprised at how much I can write down each day!! I also find that I’m now more mindful of all the beautiful things in life. As you say, it helps you to appreciate even the simplest of things.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it’s really appreciated.
Much love 🙂
How fascinating … many of the words you wrote felt as though they were coming from within me. And how timely after another relationship with a man has transitioned from intimate connection to friendship last night. I am in a state of reflection n my desire to be loved and my tendency to attract emotionally unavailable men. Thank you for the seven – I will remember to practice them as I walk on this new path in the forest of life called ‘Self-Love.’
Hello Rachel,
Thank you for your lovely post, this was really touching 🙂 I am so glad to hear that you are making progress, you so deserve it. It is never too late to discover the wonderful person that you are – which you truly are.
It’s nice to know that we aren’t defined by our past, and we can turn our pain into something positive for the future. Thank you for your kind words – I hope you keep doing what you love too 🙂
Much love 🙂
Hello MissE,
Thank you so much for your wonderful message.
You are very welcome – I am so glad to have helped you in some way 🙂 I wrote the article to try and reach out to others, so your comment has made me smile inside. So thank you 🙂
I can totally relate to those bad days where I feel like a total failure. But that’s OK – be kind and patient with yourself. I try not to compare myself with others and focus on myself and the journey that I am on. Be proud of yourself. Embrace who you are and the awesome person that you are.
You are enough.
Much love and hugs 🙂
Hello Holly,
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this lovely, inspiring and honest post 🙂
That is fantastic that you are in that good place; where you are taking care of yourself and your needs. It makes me so happy to hear that you are now in a loving and caring relationship, one which you deserve 🙂 It gives me hope for the future – that despite our past, we are all able to receive the love we all deserve.
I think you’re so right – the Universe sends us these struggles so we learn something and break out of an unhealthy cycle. We learn through our pain and we come out the other side better for it.
You are very welcome 🙂 Thank you for your last comment, it made me smile. Remember you are a brave woman too – being brave enough to let yourself be truly loved 🙂 And messages like this make me glad I told my story – so thank you to you all.
Much love 🙂
Hello Frenil,
Thank you so much for your lovely message. You are very welcome – messages like yours make me happy I shared my story.
I am glad that this has been of some help to you 🙂 It is difficult when you have told yourself negative stories all your life, to believe any different. But you are a truly wonderful person and remember that your negative thoughts are just that. They are not facts. Staying in the present as much as possible also helps – meditation is a good way of doing this. You might want to try an app called ‘headspace’ which has really helped me sit with my negative feelings without letting them overwhelm me.
Wishing you lots of positive thoughts 🙂
Take care 🙂
Hello Jeevan,
Thank you so much for your kind words – it is so appreciated 🙂 🙂
You are very welcome – I hope you are taking time for your own self love too.
Much love 🙂
Hello Jennifer,
I really appreciate your lovely, kind words – thank you 🙂 I wanted to write my story in order to help others who are pain too, so your comment has made me happy. I hope it does.
Thank you – I’m glad you like the positivity journal 🙂 I learnt this through therapy and it helps me no end! You don’t realise how much positivity there is each day – no matter how small. It helps you to appreciate the small things.
Absolutely – I read an interesting book by Ruby Wax, ‘Sane New World: Taming the Mind’ about re-wiring the brain to be more positive. Through practicing positivity, you strengthen the neural connections and it becomes habit to be positive 🙂
Thank you so much and blessings to you on your journey too!
Much love 🙂
Hi Lizzy,
Truly an inspirational article.Your sincere article uplifted my spirit to make the next forward positive step.Thank you Lizzy.Wish you all the best.
Hi Lizzie, thank you for this article. I am going through a very similar process myself, as a result of being raised by hypercritical parents. I have just started on a six month break from my partner, in order to give myself some most CH needed breathing space. He still wants us to be together, but I am unsure, probably because I’m scared of losing myself in the relationship like I did before. He didn’t treat me very well during our relationship, but seems to have done some growing up and thinking in the first month of our break up. I still think we need time apart, which is why we are on this break. He needs it to make changes in his life, and I need it to rediscover myself. So much of what you say in your article is true, and it is a very useful guide for me to follow during this period of transformation I’m going through. I’m currently waiting to see if I qualify for CBT through the NHS, so fingers crossed, and in the meantime, thank you for giving me a guide I can come back to xx
I was a people pleaser too. I’ve learned that’s it’s just as important to be your own person and to help yourself, than to cater to others needs.
Hi Lizzy,
Thank you for sharing something so personal. Having gone through a rough period with
my father leaving, I blamed myself for the longest time too. I went through 4 years of just pleasing people, not being able to say no because I didn’t want people to walk out of my life like my dad did. Giving yourself away by receiving nothing in return is the equivalent of not respecting yourself. You need to respect your own person to receive respect from others, i really do believe that. I’ve burned a few bridges by becoming more assertive, but i have been much happier.
Though I’m not perfect and i’m slowly becoming better at taking charge of my own happiness and seeking what I want- I’ve been having a few rough weeks recently, where i’ve been diverting back to my old ways of thinking.
I’m glad I stumbled across your article, it really spoke to me, reminding me that i’m not alone in this journey.
Much love, and wish you all the positive thoughts
xxxxxxxxx
I’ve been dealing with the same issues for a long time and have just started going to CBT. It’s really helping me to see that I don’t “need” anyone else to feel loved, I can love myself by treating myself right. You are a very brave woman for addressing this issue in the open, you are incredibly inspiring to me and I’m sure many others. <3
Your authenticity will help a lot of people. Keep going. 🙂
Dear Laura , i know that your dad never ever wanted to leave you or walk out of ur and ur sis life but ur mum and grama do not let him an other choice. He loves you and sis much please keep that always in ur mind. xy
All of my life, I held myself responsible for my biological father’s actions. I knew in my heart that I didn’t say or do anything to him. It took me a very long time to realize the truth.
Growing up, I couldn’t help but feel hurt and jealous when I would see fathers embracing their children after school. I kept asking myself why did it have to happen to me? I don’t see the point on holding my mom accountable for his actions, despite her efforts. She didn’t withheld the court appointed visitations, and gave him plenty of opportunities to spend time with me. I wanted to spend the night at his house. I was waiting for him to pick me up, but he wasn’t there. I felt crushed. To this day, I haven’t forgiven my biological father for what he did to me, so I’ll continue to carry the resentment towards him for the rest of my life. I lost respect towards him as a man, since he doesn’t know how to be honest.
I know that I’m enough.
Thank you, Lizzy, for writing an excellent article.