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How to Defeat Your Insecurities and Tell Someone You Love Them

Couple in love

“Our own ego judges us, so we become afraid of self-awareness. If it’s not puffing us up to look better than others, it’s tearing us down—anything to block us from feeling at one with reality and who we are.” ~Beth Maynard Green

Have you ever had insecurities stand in your way?

Have you ever felt afraid to tell someone how you feel?

Have you ever felt like someone could never love you the same way you love them?

We all have insecurities that hold us back in our professional life, our social life, and most of all, our love life. This is something I’ve struggled with a lot.

As someone with a serious physical disability who is basically a quadriplegic, I have often told myself I am not complete.

I’ve told myself I’m not enough, that I’m not good enough or strong enough. I’ve told myself that other people are not interested in knowing me or that they have already made all sorts of judgments about me.

Through my self-criticism, I’m actually imposing my self-image on other people, assuming they see me the same way I see myself. That way, I have an excuse to refrain from being vulnerable because I already made their minds up for them. I don’t have to open myself up and see what they actually think. I have an excuse not to take chances.

So, in a twisted sort of way, I’m actually feeding my ego while also “protecting” it from any actual feedback that I could learn from. Also, I’m missing out on the possibility that I could reach out and make a meaningful connection because maybe my self-criticism is off base.

How Insecurities Blocked Me From Telling Someone How I Truly Felt

I remember struggling with insecurity when I met a girl in college. She was beautiful and talkative, and I was an attentive listener. She liked to tell stories, and I loved to listen to her slightly British-sounding Caribbean accent.

She was energetic and outgoing while I was more laid back and introverted. Our temperaments complemented one another. We hit it off right away.

I really liked her, and I felt like she might like me too, but my insecurities kept getting in the way. In my mind, she could never like me the way I liked her.

We spoke on the phone late into the night and spent every moment we could together. But we were just friends.

So I talked around the issue. I poked at it from one direction and prodded at it from the other. I did everything I could to avoid being the first to say something really dangerous, to avoid showing my true feelings.

My subtlety was without compare; my hints were so obscure that even I wasn’t sure what I was talking about. She never suspected a thing.

Eventually, my ego got tired of protecting me from the terrible fate it knew would result. I decided to try something different.

I got up the courage to let her know how I felt about her, and she reciprocated. The feeling was unbelievable. She was my first and only real girlfriend.

From then on, the world would feel like a profoundly altered place. For the last twenty years, she’s been a constant reminder that my ego has no idea what it’s talking about!

How to Find the Courage to Tell Someone You Love Them

As someone with a physical disability that leaves me dependent on others, I’m no stranger to insecurity. I’ve told myself all sorts of stories about how unworthy I am.

If I can find my way past negative self-talk, anyone can. Allow me to share some ideas that helped me along the way.

1. Break up with your ego.

Often, when we accuse someone of having a big ego, we mean that they are overly confident. But sometimes we can be overly confident about what we think reality actually is.

I took a while to learn this, and I’m still learning this every day, but the ego is a double-edged sword. It can make you feel great about yourself, and also terrible.

What the ego loves to do is tell stories about reality; it likes to believe that it has everything figured out.

We think we know exactly where we stand, exactly the way it is that people perceive us. Sometimes it’s easier to “know” we will fail than it is to actually try and risk embarrassment.

It’s time to challenge our assumptions and burst the ego’s bubble.

2. Stop playing telepath.

When we attribute thoughts or motives to others, this is often just based on our own insecurities. This mental chatter can even be randomness. Thousands of thoughts go through our heads throughout the day, many of which we ignore as inconsequential or even nonsensical.

You’re doing yourself and the other person a disservice by trying to read their thoughts through a cloud of your own insecurity.

I did this a lot with her facial expressions and intonation. I was reading her all over the board, convincing myself that she was everything from madly in love with me to pitying me and using me as a charity case.

This sort of thing can drive you crazy, and at some point, I knew I had to stop because it was destroying my ability to be genuine. If I’m not being myself, pursuing a real relationship with anyone, let alone someone I have real feelings for, is pointless.

3. Leave your mind; enter the moment.

When you want to tell someone you love them, you want to feel fully in tune with them. If for some reason you decide that the other person doesn’t feel the same way, you want that decision to be based on that person’s actual behavior, not some random doubt on your behalf.

As an introverted person, my ability to project my own insecurities on the world is strong. I have to make a conscious effort to focus on what is actually happening in the interaction. 

This can sometimes be done with a mini mindfulness exercise. Just focus on the sights, smells, and sounds in your immediate vicinity. Most importantly, focus on the other person and what they’re saying, not what you’re saying to yourself in your head.

4. Let your heart speak; let your ego be vulnerable.

Keep it real, but accept there are no guarantees. If you’re nervous, show it, or even say it. If you’re not sure how to say how you feel, it’s okay to say so and take a moment to figure it out.

If you’ve known this person long enough to feel like you’re ready to share intimate feelings, they probably like you enough to allow you the time to gather your thoughts. If not, this probably isn’t the time to broach the subject.

In my case, I can remember stumbling over several different versions of what I wanted to say before settling on one that seemed appropriate. It’s been a long time, so I don’t remember exactly what I said, but the words will be different for everyone, and, honestly, they don’t matter so much as the authenticity of the feelings behind them.

5. Remember, no matter what, you will be okay.

When it comes to love, we often stop ourselves because we fear the consequences we’ve dreamed up. “What if I ask someone on a date and they say no?” But the truth is that, whatever the consequences, we have the capacity to move on.

Living your life in fear is far worse, never knowing how it feels to take a risk on love.

When you accept the idea that you will be okay despite any social consequences, you will act with far more freedom — which is invaluable in areas even beyond romance. Because fear of social consequences can cripple us in so many different ways, from making friends to career advancement.

If I Can Do It, I Know You Can

I know you’re thinking that you don’t have the courage to tell that special person what you’re truly feeling, but I believe in you. If I can do it, I know anyone can.

See yourself taking that first step and feeling the relief of being open and honest for the first time. Envision the smiling face of that other person in response to the heartfelt words you’ve shared.

Picture the newfound confidence you’ll feel because you were rewarded for your bravery and authenticity. Imagine the new life that is ahead of you, a life shared with someone you care about.

This reality could await you if you would just abandon your self-criticism and the insecurity, and open yourself up to true possibility.

You’re probably telling yourself that this sounds unlikely. I know this because I’ve told myself the same thing, but I know from experience that the negative self-talk is a lie more often than not.

Take the first step, and follow the principles I outlined above.

A beautiful new romance is waiting for you.

About Jonathan Hinek

Jonathan Hinek encourages you to live and love life no matter its obstacles. If you want to implement real, lasting changes toward a happier you, download his free report Happier Now: 21 Proven Techniques to Improve Your Outlook Instantly.

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lv2terp

Great post!!! Thank you for sharing such a wonderful message, one that is truly human nature and gets us into so much isolation, disappointment, and frustration daily…unfortunate that we do this to ourselves. Wonderful that you found your bravery and duct taped your ego!!! 🙂 Smile. I love when you said “You’re doing yourself and the other person a disservice by trying to read their thoughts through a cloud of your own insecurity.” That is a wonderful reminder, thank you!!! 🙂

Dwight Eldred Jr.

Great advice.

Jonathan Hinek

Thanks, Dwight. And thanks for reading!

Jonathan Hinek

I’m glad you enjoyed the post. “Duct taped your ego.” I like that line. 🙂

It’s good to hear that you liked what I said about looking through the clouds of insecurity. That is a good reminder, and one I often have to keep tucked in my back pocket for various occasions. 🙂

lv2terp

😀 Sometimes that roommate doesn’t shut up, so we have to do it for them! haha….I think that is wonderful and at some point it will become habit to take what others say at face value without analyzing or assuming through our cloud of insecurities. Good luck Jonathan, and I will be working on the same, thank you again for the great reminder!!! 🙂

Blue

This article was well written and it touches on many areas which I have trouble in and it caused me to lose the woman I was in love with. I was so insecure about showing affection and letting go of my ego. This article over the past few days has really helped me gain clarity.

Jonathan Hinek

Wow, that’s fantastic, Blue. I hope you continue to gain clarity. According to research, of all the mistakes made people regret the things they didn’t far more than the ones they did. If you follow what I’m saying, it may be better to go ahead and take that small risk of being vulnerable in those situations where we fear it the most. There are always new chances to apply that lesson. Good luck, Blue.

Lexi

This is exactly what I needed to read right now! My boyfriend and I have already said the three words we all want to hear but now I’d like us to take the next step in our relationship and move in together. I keep tossing up all of these different possibilities like he’s not ready but was with his ex, he’s not going to want my dog in his house, he’s waiting for me to ask, etc. Who am I to decide what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling! And even if he’s not ready yet, at least I’ll find comfort it knowing.

Jonathan Hinek

That’s a great point, Lexi. There are many transitions in a relationship, and in life, where it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the risk and we end up regretting not taking that step. I’m glad you got some value out of what I wrote. And I encourage you to communicate with your boyfriend. Like you said, at least you’ll know where you stand and you won’t have to waste time wondering. Maybe you guys will decide to wait, but at least you’ll be making that decision together.

Chris

I’m glad there are people who can explain to me what I feel but don’t know how to say.

Thank you for the blog. I’m a 3q year old male and I am broken hearted at the moment because my gf of 3 yrs and I broke up recently because I can’t show my affections well and I hold alot of emotions in until everything explodes.

She is the same way and that can be a good thing but also a bad thing . However, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I do her and I come from a divorced broken home where my father was never involved. She comes from a great family home where everyone was involved.

Growing up there was much anger and hostility towards each other in my family but I was always the one who was different than all of them. That said, it’s been extremely harder for me as I grew older and now my world has caved in around me and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to be affectionate until it’s too late and than that’s when I show my emotions.

Being the fact I come from a divorced broken home and my gf of three years didn’t; her family embracing me and treating me as family makes things so so much harder for me. I can honestly say I really don’t know what to do right now. I was sick to my stomach all night and even had to call out of work and I’m dreading trying to push myself to go back to work tomorrow. I’m just so broken inside and I’m sorry for the book but I don’t really know how else to let it out. Hence, my whole reason for the post. If anyone can help me and guide me somehow I would be more than grateful.

I’ve been up for more than 24 hrs not being able to sleep and crying (something I very very seldom do.) It’s kinda like I don’t know how to cry properly if that makes sense and mind mind is all over the place.

My gf wanted to get married and have kids and we were talking about that more often than not bother I kept saying I’m not sure I want kids or marriage because of how I grew up. I grew up broken before I could even heal and as time passed, that broken feeling turned into a wall and all the emotions were hidden away. My gf of 3 yrs broke down that wall after 2 years and stuck it out with me for that long but now at year 3 and me changing the best way I can, I hurt her and she broke it off with me. I’m so lost right now but thank you for blogs like this.

I know I should have not held in my emotions but now it’s too late and I don’t know why I always ruin great things and I can’t show my love until it’s too late. I’ve been asking myself why for years and it seems this time it hurts the most and I’m at a loss for words, broken hearted and lost in nothingness. Sometimes I wish it would all just dissappear, including myself because than I won’t have to feel pain like this and hurt those who love me the most. Sorry for the book but thank you again.

Paige

Hi Chris, I’ve stumbled on your comment below this awesome article by the author Jon. I too can relate so much with this article and I can also feel in your words how much pain you are going through…..At the end of the day, we somehow need to pick ourselves up and find the light to move on….If you’d like to chat. Email me and I wish you soon feel better. pdo1181@yahoo.com

Jonathan Hinek

I appreciate you sharing that, Chris. All I can say to you is that you will be okay. I know it doesn’t seem that way now, but you will get through this feeling. They say the best revenge is to live a good life, but I also think living a good life is one of the most attractive things a person can do. Try not to get stuck in this place. Focus on the things that are good in your life, some gratitude. Gratitude is the foundation of everything else.

Jonathan Hinek

Page, it’s good to know our people here who are so supportive. Negative emotions often make us feel alone, but the truth is that there are so many people out there who have experienced similar things who could empathize.

Claire

Thank you so much. This blog has enlightened me in so many different ways and pointed me to the direction on how I can improve myself.

Vikra

“Through my self-criticism, I’m actually imposing my self-image on other people, assuming they see me the same way I see myself. That way, I have an excuse to refrain from being vulnerable because I already made their minds up for them. I don’t have to open myself up and see what they actually think.”

HIT AND SANK. That is SO me. Thanks for the article Jonathan, I’m an introverted person myself and I can fully relate to it.

Lonerheart

But what if that person we love happens to be a colleague and already has a girlfriend? How do we approach this with a non-ego but spiritual perspective?

Yessoufou Roukoyatou

Thank you