“You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.” ~Unknown
You might think I’m a monster because I don’t have a relationship with my parents. I don’t spend holidays with them; I don’t call them and reminisce; they don’t know pertinent details about my life, my friends, my family, my work, or even the person I have become. Do these facts shock you?
It is possible that you have only known loving, supportive parents. Parents who were open to discussing and negotiating your relationship, respecting your boundaries, and truly being a part of your life. That’s probably why you can’t understand how I don’t feel the same way about my parents.
When you learn that I don’t have a relationship with my parents your instinct is to deny my reality. You try to tell me that my parents love me unconditionally, that my mother still cares about me, and that my parents acted out of love for me. You assert that I should try and reconcile with my family, and tell me over and over that I will regret it if I don’t.
I don’t agree that they love me unconditionally, that they still care about me, that their actions are based on good intentions, or that they abused me in order to make me a better person. I am sorry if this upsets you or challenges your understanding of what a family looks like.
You become aggressive telling me that I should try harder, that I should adapt and be accommodating and compassionate toward my parents. You tell me that I should forgive them for the things I claim they have done to me and tell me over and over that forgiveness will lead to peace and healing.
But you don’t get it; I have already healed by not having them in my life, by accepting my painful reality.
You think that I should call my parents and have a reasonable conversation that would magically lead to a Hollywood ending filled with apologies, validation, love, and reconciliation. You believe that if I do this, I will have the family I have always wanted, and our relationship will be stronger, healthier, and more supportive.
I need to stop you and be firm. Your lack of understanding about my situation is re-traumatizing me. I cannot contact my parents and reconcile with them. Do you think I didn’t try to have the conversations that you’re suggesting? Don’t you realize that I tried so hard to adapt, to do what they wanted, to apologize and accommodate my parents, yet nothing ever changed? I was never enough!
Each interaction affirmed how much they despised me, how little they thought of me, and how reluctant they were to listen to me, get to know me more, or even to take the time to understand where I am coming from. Over and over, I tried harder and harder, my heart breaking each time. The picture of the perfect family shattering off the wall and the reality of my family becoming clearer and clearer.
These were not parents who loved me unconditionally the way parents should love their child. These were parents that might love me if I was better at school, did more for them around the house, and accomplished something they could brag about to elevate their own social position.
These were not parents who could be bothered to get to know the person I had become, because they believed they knew the flawed, evil monster they had conjured up in their minds. Yet I was not the evil monster; I was an adult child desperate to have a healthy relationship with my parents. I was a teenager who made a few mistakes, and finally I was an adult who saw and understood the family dynamics clearly and accurately.
Cutting contact with my parents was one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make in my life. Contrary to what you may think, I did not wake up one morning and decide that I did not want to have a family anymore. Rather, I woke up one morning and realized that if I didn’t end the relationship, I would continue to get hurt by my parents for the rest of my life.
Cutting contact with my parents, formally known as estrangement, allowed me to accept the reality of my situation and build a life that led to self-validation and healing.
This path has been painful, and there are times when I question whether I did the right thing. However, there are also times when I realize how much better my life is without my parents’ lack of compassion, respect for my boundaries, or willingness to work with me to have a healthy relationship.
Each time you cling to the Hollywood notion of reconciliation, you traumatize me. I know that I can’t have a relationship with my parents because this relationship will never be healthy. Yet each time you suggest I reconcile you cause me to question myself.
Questioning myself is something I have grown good at over the years because society does not affirm my choice as socially acceptable, nor does it condone the reasons I chose to cut contact in the first place.
Questioning myself and my own self-worth is something my parents helped me to become very good at over the years. You see, I couldn’t be doing what was best for me because to them, I was wrong, I was a bad person, and I never remembered situations and events accurately.
Maybe you don’t mean to cause me to question myself, but each time you bring up reconciliation and the notion that the relationship with my family could be fixed it takes me back into that space. I’m forced to remind myself of all the reasons why I had to cut contact. I’m forced to relive the painful conversations and the intense, overwhelming longing for apologies, validation, and love I know I will never get from my parents.
Before you tell me I need to see things differently and that most relationships can be fixed, I’m going to stop you. I’m going to remind you that it is hard for people to change. It is much easier for people to say that they have changed in order to save face or absolve themselves of any feelings of guilt and anguish.
People don’t change for others; they change for themselves because they realize that there are benefits to adjusting their behavior. An uncaring, disconnected parent is not likely to change for a child they never really could love.
I know that my choices make you feel uncomfortable. I took your family picture and I broke it into a million pieces, pieces that can never be put back together. I challenged your notions of the loving, supportive, forgiving family because that is not my reality, although for your sake, I am glad if that is yours.
Don’t tell me that time can heal all wounds or that time fixes relationships. Time has taught me that I made the right choice.
Incredible longing still washes over me when I see some of you interacting with your parents. You have support, love, and mentorship from your family that I will never know. Instead, I will look through the window at the seemingly perfect family, at your family, longing to know what it feels like to be loved and supported the way that you are.
I will always feel the pain of not having that picture as my own. Part of me will always question why I was not worthy enough to have it in the first place. A piece of my heart will ache with pangs of longing, longing I have learned and accepted is a natural part of life when you don’t have parents who are loving and supportive.
Don’t downplay my pain or deny my lived experiences. Don’t tell me that how I feel now will not be the same way I feel six months or six years from now. I don’t mean to be harsh, but you have not lived my life or walked in my shoes, and I am relieved for you.
Don’t remind me that my siblings have a great relationship with my parents, so therefore, I might be able to improve my relationship with them.
Let me remind you that in families like mine, not all children are treated the same way
Some children are the golden children, showered with love and support, while others are the neglected children who are barely noticed yet continue to maintain contact in the hopes that one day the relationship will improve. Other children within the toxic family system are scapegoats. Scapegoats are not really loved, and are blamed for things beyond their control.
In adulthood, some children in these families choose to deny the reality of the dysfunction because society teaches us that everyone needs a family. They choose to hang on and stay in touch with uncaring parents because the alternative choice is so stigmatizing and painful.
Stop! Don’t remind me of the way my mother acted when you were over at my house growing up. Don’t tell me that she treated you well over the years and was very interested/invested in your life. Please don’t tell me she asks about me every time she sees you or that she has no idea why I cut contact with her.
I don’t want to hear about how kind my father was. I don’t want to relive backyard barbecues where my parents acted kind and hospitable. You see, they acted.
Toxic parents can often be kind, compassionate, and caring to everyone else except for their own children. Behind closed doors, when you and the rest of the world were not watching, they were very different people.
You may have seen them treating me with kindness or pretending that they cared. This was all an act. I don’t want to show you who they really were behind closed doors because I doubt that you will believe me. I know this makes it harder to understand my perspective, but I don’t want to live in the pain of the past. I want to dwell in the present and look to the future with an open heart and an optimistic mind.
Let me reiterate this: the choice not to have family is both stigmatizing and painful. The pain and stigma flow from not being understood. From assumptions that there must be something wrong with me for cutting contact, that I must be inherently bad or have done something catastrophic to deserve to be cast out of the family.
Let me shatter that picture again. The only thing I did wrong is challenge your understanding of a loving supportive family.
Let me ask you something: If your friend criticized and judged everything you did and did not accept you as a person, would you stay friends with that person?
What if I told you that after interactions with that friend you were anxious, your entire body hurt, you felt like you did something wrong, you couldn’t sleep, and you questioned your judgment? You replayed the interaction over and over in your head each time, remembering more of the abusive comments, the judgmental actions, and the dismissive words you had endured during your visit.
Could you really stay friends with that person? No, you couldn’t. So why are you encouraging me to reconcile and stay in contact with my parents given that this is how they make me feel? Is it so hard for you to grasp that an unhealthy relationship can occur between family members?
Hold on tight to your family picture, but don’t ask me to repair mine. Instead, understand and accept my shattered picture.
Don’t ask me to cut myself with the shards of glass through forgiveness, reconciliation, and false hopes of unconditional love and acceptance. I’m sorry if what I’ve said makes you feel uncomfortable. Society makes me feel uncomfortable each time I am asked to deny my reality, pick up a piece of glass, and expose my family wound that you could easily help me heal by accepting it.
About Jen Hinkkala
Jen Hinkkala is PhD student, researcher, and teacher of arts education in Canada. She strives to understand what factors and experiences lead to higher levels of wellness, resiliency, and self-care among arts educators and students. Jen is also a life coach and specializes in self-care, well-being, time management, performance anxiety, estrangement, overcoming abuse, career paths, and anxiety. Jen runs a support group for estranged adults and a group to support personal development. Follow her here: Twitter / Blog.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Aloha and thanks for this. I agree with you 100%. Sometimes you can’t fix a broken distorted unhealthy relationship. The only recourse is to walk away. I had a friend who used to say about my father – just enjoy the good bits. A) what good bits? And b) just no. Why on earth would I stay in a toxic relationship that worked for someone else but not for me. If this was a partner – people would be telling me to run for the hills. Family by blood is not necessary family. And sometimes you need to make choices to walk away. The truth is – if the other person truly valued you – they would make an effort to repair and heal but they don’t. So why are you bothering. Excellent post thanks. And so well written. I liked the – let me stop you there. And the firm no. Aloha Meg.
Its like you are in my head. I have never related to someone so wholeheartedly than with these words. Thank you.
I’m in the process of cutting ties with my biological family and I’m so thankful to have come across your words during this scary and confusing time! I can relate to everything you’ve said and you’ve given me so much courage and reassurance!
I left my original bio family many years ago. I understand. They couldn’t stop living their lies. They chose to keep abusive ways. I left because it started to effect my children. I’ve had a lifetime of healing from devastating abuse for the first 17 years of my life. Its more than okay to not associate with anyone who is hurtful. It takes tremendous strength and bravery. Blessings!
Thank you for writing what I have been feeling for some time. It took me YEARS to figure out what happened in my family. They aren’t even my bio family, I was adopted, and thus traumatized from the very beginning. I finally woke up to the truth. But well into my 50’s. My biggest regret is in believing all the lies, and for too many years. I was definitely the scapegoat, and now am fully aware of their (my family’s) dysfunction. We all have choices in this life. I choose to go toward supportive, loving people, and away from negative, abusive, nasty people. This really reaffirms, for me, that I have made the right choice with regard to my family. The more I am away from them, the better my life gets. And it has been a really tough road. Thank you again for writing this.
Thank you!!!! Thank you for writing this article and finally making it easier for me to be able to explain how and why I too made this choice. Thank you, my God….THANK YOU!!!
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your thoughts and feelings Jen!
Personally, I don’t find leaving my bio family stigmatizing or painful. Anyone who cares about me would never ask me to reconcile. It was painful at the time because it is difficult for a child to break those bonds.
On another level, I felt pain from my bio family’s inability to love me. Then I realized that love comes from many different places. There are people that love me and that love is no less valid because it originates from a different source.
It is easy to blame yourself for a parent’s lack of love, children have very little understanding of the world and internalise what they are told. Often, this belief carries through to adulthood. The reality is that birth is a genetic lottery and not all parents are fit to care for children. There is a lot of abuse in the world. Being raised in a home with loving caring parents would have been a very different experience. If it wasn’t me, it would have happened to some other child. I would not wish that on anyone.
I truly understand what ur saying and absolutely agree with you . More power to you girl 🙂
I think you have been incredibly courageous to have accepted this situation. Unfortunately, you will always have people who will sentimentalise family life and will never be able to understand your ( and my ) situation. For your own sake, try not to take notice of them. They have been fortunate in their families ( or so they wish to believe ) . Give yourself the freedom to live in your own lights.
Thank you for your brave and poignant article. I have often regretted that I kept in contact with my NPD mother and allowed her criticism, shaming, blaming and abusive tirades to continue until she passed away and I was in my fifties. The dynamics of my codependent relationship affected all the other relationships in my life including the relationship with my daughter.
Of course for people who have not had this experience or prefer to be in denial, it makes them extremely uncomfortable and angry.
“Well meaning” friends would say “But, she’s your mother, just be patient, set boundaries, etc.” As if that wouldn’t be like putting a bandaid on a festering wound.
I hadn’t been in contact with my father since he left when I was 14. I called him 40 years later and encountered the same anger and selfishness that I remembered. Thankfully I had the wisdom to let that relationship (which was non existent) fade away. Life and love and families are random. We don’t necessarily get what we deserve but we do get choices. All the best to those of us who have to make these difficult decisions.
I could have written this. I felt like I was reading my own writing. You’re not alone. I’m here too.
Thank you. The moment I found out I was pregnant at age 23, I cut all ties with my father. He was a deeply troubled and abusive person. I did not speak to him again. He died 22 years later, and I grieved, but I never regretted my decision. Not once. My daughter never had to go through the abuse, chaos, drama, and heartbreak that I did. I protected her the way no one ever did for me. I’m able to have compassion for him and his troubled childhood. But that did not give him the right to take away my childhood, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let him take my daughter’s away. No regrets.
good
Thank you so much for sharing this! Reading it, every sentence related to my own story. I feel so relieved to read that I am not alone.
I am a new subscriber to “Tiny Buddha” and looking forward to stay here, amongst friends 🙂
Too many people put up with toxic behavior because people say be the better person/ be understanding – instead of calling out the bad behavior. If more people stood up to toxic people maybe there would be fewer of them.
Chosing to walk away is never an easy decision – but for most it is the best option and can bring about healing and growth
My father had two families concurrently – both living in the same northeast middle class town – when you I finally got the nerve to say something to a family friend – they insisted I didn’t know what I was talking about.
We would have holidays with both families and tons of people would come year after year and none of them questioned it – made me think I was the crazy one for finding it odd
Glad I found the courage to leave that circus – my life was much more joyful and peaceful
This article is one of the best I’ve seen on Tiny Buddha. Thank you for including it, as there is a dearth of this subject (family estrangement) online. Of whatever amount is available on this topic, most seems to be in a vein of how to repair the conflict. Too often, that effort is a fool’s errand.
I talked with my therapist about all of that disappointment. She acknowledged it is misrepresented online as (a) less frequent, and (b) more likely to be fixable, than the reality would indicate.
The depth with which Jen Hinkkala explores her experiences and their resulting decisions is noticeably comprehensive. Most comments about this article reflect readers’ satisfaction and relief to see that their own perspective is reflected better than most every similar article they’ve seen previously for this topic.
In the estrangement which was chosen by a family member of mine, I was the one who did not measure up to *their* standards. So, I definitely have spent too much time wondering what I could have done to prevent their decision. Grief about their choices will never leave me completely, yet I’m certain that my therapist made the difference between my own clarity now, vs. the confusion when it first happened.
Please keep in mind that people who *choose estrangement* are sometimes the ones who *exhibit* the NPD. They’re *not* exclusively the *victims* of those folks with NPD traits.
Best regards to all, either way.
I have a different, yet similar dynamic. My brother’s second wife never accepted me. She wouldn’t even talk to me. If she did, it was brief and out of necessity. She became an alcoholic over time and I stopped trying to have a relationship with her. There was an incident cause debt her alcoholic delusion, from that day on I let it all go. I informed my brother that I would no longer have a relationship with her. He maintained contact with me, but, like you mentioned, after I had contact with him , I felt physical anxiety and replayed things in my head. Over & over. Contact with him 25% of the time was him relaying the dysfunctional incidents & drunken tirades of his wife. I told him to leave her etc. to no avail. The final act: my Mom, Sister & our families planned to go to his 60th birthday party when Covid had a slight lull, I had flights, Airbnb, car etc reserved. The Covid numbers soared in Idaho where they are. My Mom was 85 sister & husband mid-60’s. We decided not to go & placated him with saying we will visit later & within a smaller group for more time together. He didn’t answer any calls or texts from any of us after that & sent his birthday cards back to us,”Return to sender”. It was his choice, but after that final step of no contact, I embraced it. I let it go. It was super difficult and still seeps into my thoughts that I did something to cause it. I lean on my Mom & Sister when I feel anxious, angry or even guilty. It has been 8 months and I often wonder if he regrets his actions. I will never know. I blocked him from my phone and if he sends anything in the mail I will refuse it. I’m done. My close friends support my decision. I no longer have to hear my brother constantly tell me to reconcile with his wife, to reach out to her, that she’s ready to have a relationship with me…..for that I am thankful. Thank you for this safe space to write my story. It has been hard to let go, but the pain my brother caused me shook me to the core. Regularly. I support you in no longer contacting your parents and I understand in a similar way. Wishing you peace.
I think this forum is a place for supporting each other…not judging each other.
This is an incredibly unkind and hurtful response to a woman who was brave enough to share a story most people could never truly understand.
I hear in your response that you are in pain, too. That your children hurt you in ways that scarred your heart. I’m sorry that that happened to you. But your pain – the pain you experience from the other side of this difficult and emotional draining experience – does not invalidate Jen’s or that of anyone else in her situation. Pain can exist on both sides at the same time, and it is neither your right nor your duty to assert your side’s suffering in a space meant to heal others. In fact, it is the exact kind of behavior that caused many estranged children to cut off contact in the first place.
If you are activated by the fact that your side of this experience isn’t getting the attention or support you think it deserves, perhaps YOU should write that article. It would be a much kinder use of your time than attacking wounded women on the internet.
I am sorry you can relate to my situation but thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing this emotionally wrenching article and your insight on estrangement. I was drawn to it because I want to understand why my youngest daughter has cut me out of her life. That I was never able to find out what I did to cause such pain and trauma that led to her decision has added to the tremendous pain I feel from having lost my daughter. Unlike your parents I have a void in my heart that hurts continually because a part of that heart has been ripped out. My heart also hurts from realizing that I obviously hurt HER so much that cutting away from her family was her best and only recourse. I DO love her, and I DO miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I also accept and respect that whatever her reasons may be SHE has them, and they are valid and I have culpability in their existence and I ache for her and the pain I have caused her. I too am in counseling to try and find peace in my own life and acceptance of her choice. I think of her every day and send her love and light and wish her the strength to find peace and love on her own terms, and the same goes to you and to all who carry this pain. _/i_
Catherine I am sorry that a family member cut you out of their life. Grieving the loss of someone who is still alive is one of the hardest things any of us will ever have to do. I’m glad that you were receiving support from a therapist as our where emotions surrounding socially unrecognized grief are often complexed in nature.
Thank you for your praise about my article I am truly grateful for your kind words. However I disagree with your comment about people with NPD choosing estrangement. One of the misconceptions surrounding estrangement is that there has to be something wrong with the person who made that choice. Stereotypes surrounding mental illness, ingratitude, and floundering in life are often used by parents to downplay the nature of the painful choice that we have felt that we had to make. The abuse we ensured by our parents is often socially justified through statements such as “your parents only wants to push you to be a better person.” When society points fingers at us this stereotype is affirmed over and over.
I am glad the article was helpful for you.
Dear Jen,
You wrote
“ Some children are the golden children, showered with love and support, while others are the neglected children who are barely noticed yet continue to maintain contact in the hopes that one day the relationship will improve.”
I read and re-read and re-re read.
My circumstances are different from your. But I understand you pain. And I want to extend a hug to you, because sometimes words don’t help.
I have chosen forgiveness though.
I have decided to forgive those tunnel visioned judgemental self-appointed councillors who probably wouldn’t last a moment in the shoes of the embattled souls.
I have forgiven those who don’t acknowledge the struggles that they have not known.
And I have forgiven myself for cutting-out those people who damage me emotionally. I treat them with the same level of politeness and emotionless news that I would reserve for a co-passenger in a flight or the stranger who needed my help somewhere someday.
I cannot kill my inner niceness because of their lack of it.
I want you to know- that I understand, that you are not alone and that I loved your write-up. And thank you 🙂
Jen…thank you for sharing your story. When I read it I was in shock because it was as if I was reading a mirror of my own life’s experience. I even have used the phrase, “the evil monster they concocted in their minds of who I was”. When I called my brother (who is the only member of my six siblings I stay in contact with) and read it, he misunderstood me and thought I was saying I wrote it, especially since it was so very similar to how I write. I empathize with you beyond words and know how brave you are. How lovely that you also chose a path of helping others. I followed a similar path, probably because of the same reasons. My life with my family taught me what i never wanted to grow to be and I didn’t. Love, Blessings and Much Light to you. Carolyn
Very well said. Thank you for sharing a different perspective.
I admire the bold assertions of why you did what you needed to do. I have a good relationship with my remaining parent but over the decades I’ve seen why some others don’t and I respect that.
I work with families and in just about every family there are some members that are estranged from one another. I feel it is an often unspoken reality and the more we hear about it, the more understood it will become. I am in the same boat – it took me years to be able to tell people, simply because I didn’t want to hear them blame me for the estrangement.
This is such a brilliantly written piece about the pain of not just seeing my family as it really was, but so much harder than that pain was having to justify myself constantly to others, all of whom unwittingly put the blame firmly on me for taking a healthy position for my own wellbeing. The final paragraph is absolutely the most beautiful summary of my ask of others in relation to my choice to distance myself from my family. Thank you so much to Jen for this work of art and beautifully articulated position that so many of us face.
Did anyone mention that their adoptive father cheated on their mother when she also had his 2 yr old at home. It’s hard being a single unemployed mom. Adoptive father did not even recognize his bio child out in public with her uncle because he never bothered to see her.
I realize it is hard for a teenager to understand what adults go through. But to disrespect them and run away from home…not to live with adoptive father because he wouldn’t have them. Most of the comments on this story are from adult children that could understand adult problems. Don’t see any from a 14 yr old run away because she didn’t get her way.
Thank you for this article, it explains my family to a tea. My parents cut me out after over reacting to a situation. My dad’s choice, I often think of my past . My mum has mental health my dad has a temper. They said they loved me but that was all lies they didn’t, they thought more of everyone else outside of the family then their own. As much as part of me wishes to reconcile with them the other part of me asks why would I after the mentally and physically abused me, they didn’t protect me when I was younger, never believed me. They gave me what I needed but I was always the black sheep of the family, my brother has always been the golden child. My family is broken and there’s no way of going back. Not now, will I stand at their grave when they pass, hell no. Why should I?
After many years they still welcomed the groomer into their home with open arms, yet they are dead against any pedophiles. Yet they still welcomed this one in.
It’s mental torture which I’m still trying to heal from. Maybe I never will heal,maybe this is what has caused my health issues from the start.
I do understand where your coming from if those who have abused us and there was proof, by now my parents would and should be behind bars.
Instead I wait for them to fall into their graves.
Someone can define “abuse” as, “I simply don’t agree with your perspective and you challenge me every time this topic arises”. Or it could be that you don’t respect my boundaries and drop in anytime you want. Or it could be someone reflecting on facts.
While I understand the painfulness of the situation, the parent pain is real too. Losing a “living” child is one of the most painful experiences a parent can face. Often times the parents do not know why they’ve been estranged. Children do not come with instruction manuals. Most parents try their hardest to provide everything for their children. And, people aren’t perfect. Most parents do their best raising children.
When there are grandchildren involved, what are the implications of estranging your parents? Especially if the grandparents who have been constant loving role models are abruptly removed from their lives? Is this teaching the children that it is okay to abandon their parents once they reach adulthood if they don’t like something their parents do in the future?
For those children that have been sexually, physically or SEVERELY emotionally traumatized, I can understand the need for separation. But for those who can work through problems with or without therapy, I can’t comprehend parent estrangement. It is very cruel to me.
I am truly saddened that the internet bloggers & writers support and encourage parental estrangement. There shouldn’t be support to rip families apart. Family Therapy is what should be encouraged and I’m not a therapist.
Great article- I have learned with my children. You go your way they go theirs. It can be painful. Spending the holidays volunteering at homeless shelters eases the pain.
Thank you for writing this article. I am in my mid 40s and I am only brave enough to set boundaries for myself right now with my selfish and emotionally abusive parents. I was only able to start setting boundaries because I have my own children now and I don’t want their toxic behaviours to affect them so I keep my kids from having direct contact with them. Even at their young age, they can see how I am hurt by my parents constantly. I wish I am as strong as my brother who did cut my parents out completely of his life in his 30s. I kept in contact with him. I understand why he left the relationship and I am happy for him to have the space and time to heal from the trauma we endured from our uncaring parents. For a while now, I have accepted that I will not be able to heal until the day my parents die. After reading your article, I feel a glimmer of hope that maybe I can be brave enough to stand up for myself before then.
Both sides have to want to “work through things”. That is the missing piece. I have tried ‘working through things’ by getting therapy, approaching my family again and again in new and healthier ways, it makes no difference. They assigned me a role years ago and i will always be put back in that lane no matter who I become or what I accomplish in life.
Wow. You dont understand unless you lived it. Are you aware that some parents do NOT want their child? Wow. I’m happy you’ve never experienced that. You were blessed.
It’s only one parent for me–my bio dad. The women on both sides of the family have coddled him in his foolishness and since all of the matriarchs on his side are gone, he runs to the matriarchs on my mother’s side of the family to complain about me not wanting anything to do with him at this point. Notice, he never talks to the patriarchs. He’s a coward that thinks he’s fooling everyone. He’s a control freak, a misogynist and an unpleasant person. All of the shame and guilt he placed on me growing up for being born a bio female will never be forgotten nor any of his patterns to control me by not allowing me to play as a kid or accusing me of stealing a watch that I received on my birthday. Kids don’t ever forget the tears and confusion a person that is supposed to protect them caused when we are adults living our own lives.
Don’t be gaslit anymore to accept someone in your life that proved they don’t care about learning how to love you even if they are a parent. Live your life (because we aren’t getting any younger) without toxic, manipulative parents. Break those generational curses.
✌🏽 🕊 ☮