“We would do ourselves a tremendous favor by letting go of the people who poison our spirit.” ~Unknown
My husband and I both have living grandparents. My daughter has met the grandparents on my husband’s side, but she hasn’t met mine. Some think I’m cruel for not taking her to meet my grandmother because I had an excellent relationship with my great grandparents.
Some ask why I haven’t contacted her in the two years since my only child was born. I could give a long drawn-out response and try to explain why I gave up on a relationship with my maternal grandmother. But most don’t understand, and I choose to spend my time in more productive ways.
Instead, I keep the answer short and simple: She’s toxic.
That’s it. She is a toxic person, and I’m done letting her eat away at my soul bit by bit just because she shares a fraction of my DNA.
There is a lot of advice out there about how to distance yourself from toxic people and relationships, but it’s never as easy as it sounds. I had a lot of mixed feelings about ending my relationship with my grandmother. She had always been a part of my life, albeit a mostly negative part.
The truth is, removing toxicity from any area of your life is a process. There is a certain amount of mourning that goes into cutting ties with someone. It’s almost as if the person has died, except you have to resist the urge to resurrect her because that option is still there.
When I first began the process, I felt conflicted. Suddenly, all the bad didn’t seem so bad anymore. I started remembering the good times.
I remembered exploring with my cousins on the acres of my grandmother’s land. I remembered taking my pick from her complete library of animated Disney movies. I remembered playing hide and seek in her huge garden amongst the fully grown stalks of corn.
But then I realized something. None of those memories directly involved my grandmother. And the memories that did involve her still leave a sour taste in my mouth.
I remember the time she forced me to sit at the dinner table for hours after everyone else had finished because I didn’t like her spaghetti. I also remember the time I drew a picture for her, and she told me it was ugly. And I can’t forget when she let our family cat die while my family was on vacation because she didn’t feel like feeding her.
If you are grappling with the prospect of removing a toxic person from your life, ask yourself these questions:
What positives does this person bring to my life?
How does this person make me feel?
Is the relationship mutually beneficial?
Do I dread interactions with this person?
If your answers to these questions are mostly negative or you realize you are trying to convince yourself that “it’s not that bad,” it is time to take a step back from the relationship.
In many cases, removing toxicity does not require ending the relationship. You may simply need to take time away and set the appropriate boundaries before allowing this person back into your life.
However, as was the case with my grandmother, the person may be so toxic and the resentment may run so deep that it is necessary to completely end contact with the person. You can choose to do this all at once or make it a gradual fading-out. Either way, you must cut off the relationship for the sake of your emotional (and sometimes physical) health.
I made the decision to cut my grandmother out of my life when I pictured my daughter having experiences similar to mine. I couldn’t bear to see my precious child treated the same way my grandmother had treated me and the rest of her grandchildren. I realized that I have the power to keep that from happening.
I decided that the cycle of emotional abuse and toxic behavior would end with me. My grandmother wouldn’t be given the opportunity to hurt my child like she had hurt me, my mother, and so many others in her life.
It’s true that we will be hurt. Our children will be hurt. But this hurt shouldn’t come from the people we are supposed to trust and claim to care for us.
When I realized this, suddenly the process wasn’t so painful anymore. The possible negative consequences for keeping my grandmother in my life were worse than any positives she might bring to the table.
Instead of keeping someone around based on biological ties or perceived obligation, choose to put your well-being first and free yourself from the toxicity.
Choose to surround yourself with love, support, and safety and embrace your emotional freedom.
Arguing image via Shutterstock
About Nadine Frederick
Nadine is a stay-at-home mom, freelance writer and babysitter. After being diagnosed with PPD, she made happiness a priority and began pursuing a writing career. She created Focus On Yourself where she blogs about living a selfish life considerate of your own needs. You can follow Nadine on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
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I had to make one of those difficult calls with my mother a few years ago. As much as it stinks to not have my own mother in my life, I have grown and matured so much since. Soul care becomes impossible when that negative force is constantly destroying everything you’re working to heal.
I often wonder if I would have to do the same with my mother if she were still alive. I’ve noticed that once I removed one toxic relationship, my eyes were opened to toxicity in my other relationships.
I’m sorry you have had to make similar choices but happy that you love yourself enough to make necessary changes.
Have both toxic mother and mother-in-law. Moved out of state so we would not have to worry about holidays, arguments, meltdowns and manipulations. Best decision ever.
Sometimes distance is the best thing you can do for your peace of mind.
What do you do when you are forced to keep the toxic family member in your life in order to keep the rest of the family (that you do love and adore) in your life as well?
It was kind of crazy reading your article because your situation is quite similar to my own experience. Like you said, it is hard for others to grasp the concept of cutting your grandmother (or any family member) out of your life. I cut my maternal grandmother out for almost the exact same reasons. I probably would’ve cut her out sooner if it wasn’t for my mother. She always treated my mother badly, as well as many others in her life. But my mother so desperately wanted a loving relationship with her. Finally though, my mother had enough. She asked my brother and I to cut her out and we could tell she was hesitant about asking. We both said absolutely, we don’t want that woman in our lives anymore. We actually cut out a few of my mother’s siblings as well because they were just as toxic, if not more. Our lives are so much better as a result. Holidays and family time are no longer a source of stress and anxiety, which are the feelings I associated them with for so long. I don’t regret cutting them out, however I do wonder sometimes if maybe I’m heartless because it was such an easy decision for me. But your article was a reassurance for me that it doesn’t matter if they are blood; if they don’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve, they don’t have the right to be in your life. Thank you so much.
I’m so glad this encouraged you. I have wondered if I have become too bitter or harsh because my grandmother isn’t the only toxic family member I have cut from my life. It was almost like it created a snowball effect. But even when I doubt, I think about the positives these people brought to my life and realize there were none.
That’s a hard question, and I don’t think there is one right answer for everyone. However, I think it might help to consider two things:
1. Do the positives of the family members you adore outweigh the negatives of the toxic ones? In my experience, the wonderful family members often are just less bad than the toxic ones. I found that once I eliminated the obviously toxic from my life I began to notice the pain others caused in more subtle ways. It was simply dwarfed by the glaringly terrible. This may not be your situation. It has only been my experience.
2. Understand that you are not forced to keep them in your life. Your other family members can choose to have a relationship with you that is separate from the toxic members by respecting your right to happiness.
Mine is with my brother and I keep hoping that he’ll come out of this judgmental/I know better than you stage. He’s gotten better in some ways over the years and other ways he’s gotten worse. He’s so condescending to me and I really feel he’s trying to hurt my feelings. I can’t communicate with him at all. I keep wondering if when he gets a place of his own or if he has kids will this change? Will it ever change? Should I just admit that we’ll never have a real relationship?
Actually the positive family members do outweigh the toxic one. The toxic one is just SO hard to deal with. SOOOOO passive aggressive. So much so that if we didn’t love the rest of the family so much we would separate from them.
So far we try to avoid her as much as possible. But being around her actually makes my husband and me ill. The next get together just may be the point where she gets told off publicly. It’s so against my husband’s nature. He doesn’t want to ruin family get-togethers for everyone just because of HER.
We’ll have to continue to pray and meditate and hope for a peaceful solution.
Something I have learned over time is that toxic people often show us glimmers of hope. If they were all bad, it would make a decision to remove them from our lives that much easier.
In my experience, waiting for someone to change in order to have a healthy relationship only harms us. It is better to do what we need to do to be healthy in the moment. If you choose, you can leave the door open for future change. But accepting his poor treatment now will not necessarily yield a healthy relationship in the future.
In fact, accepting his poor treatment now actually enables his behavior and gives him even less incentive to change.
Thank you, that’s really helpful.
It is scary. The thought of removing someone from your life who has always been there is hard to do. Sometimes it’s hard to imagine a good outcome. But once you have gained distance from the drama, you wonder why you didn’t make the choice to distance yourself sooner (at least that was my experience).
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If those ‘good people’ were really good, I don’t expect them to insist on your keeping their ‘toxic’ people too! A good person respects others’ right to decide whom to keep and whom to leave even if their relationship with that ‘toxic’ person is OK.
Nadine, did anyone ever tell your grandmother that her behavior was not acceptable and would not be tolerated? Was she given a choice of treating people well and improving relationships? Now, a person who would let your cat starve has an obvious problem, and perhaps could never change. It’s sad that your parents didn’t defend you from her, and I don’t disagree with your decision to keep your daughter away from her. It’s just that in my family, people seem to choose to suffer or leave rather than setting healthy boundaries. It’s as if open communication is the biggest taboo, and it keeps us separate from those we supposedly love.
Patterns of family behavior can be copied unconsciously. My dad – an alcoholic like his own father – bullied his kids and grandkids, just as his father had done. When my young son said “I hate Grandpa,” I decided enough was enough. Love gave me courage to speak up. I talked to my mother (less confrontational than speaking to Dad), telling her Dad’s behavior was not acceptable and it would be a shame if my son grew up hating him just as I had done. She tried to defend him, of course, but I simply said that as an adult, Dad was responsible for his actions. Well, it worked! Dad had stopped drinking by then, which helped. He became a kinder parent and grandparent, and my kids decided years later that Grandpa was their favorite relative.
My sister has dropped out of my life, just as my mother did to one of her own sisters years ago. I wish I had a chance to repair the relationship with my sister, and tried to talk to her, but it seems she has no interest. That hurts, immensely. I have to accept that she’d rather cut me out of her life than establish an adult relationship with whatever boundaries we both require. It has made me wiser, stronger, but a lot sadder.
I don’t completely agree with the author’s approach of cutting out family members forever because you hate them or consider them toxic. Every relationship is a 2 way Street. When we question, what positive element a particular person brings to our life then it can’t be looked at as 1 way Street. We also have a role to play in every interaction. The best approach is to have honest communication and defined boundaries.