“Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.” ~Eckhart Tolle
It’s morning; you’re in a great mood. You’re relaxed and have plenty of time to practice your morning routine. After a delicious breakfast, you head out to start your day. Then it happens: You encounter a difficult person, and your calm turns to calamity.
We all have encounters with people who prefer to stay miserable, making everything difficult. They exist, and perhaps there was a time in your past when you once where one of those negative people. Perhaps you still can be at times.
As a former miserable person, I know it was my inability to handle my mental and emotional states that kept me oozing all over others. I felt so disconnected from life, living obsessively in my mind, that I truly felt helpless.
Most often that helplessness manifested into continuous critiquing, judging, anger, and sometimes even pure rage. I was unwilling to take full responsibility for my relationship to life. I wanted peace, joy, and harmony, but I was unwilling to do the necessary work to experience them.
Difficult people are demanding. They demand something from the external world in hopes of filling the disconnection and restlessness they feel within. Whether they are demanding our attention, a certain action or reaction, or a particular outcome, the root of their behavior is a demand for something other than what is.
Difficult people haven’t yet learned to take responsibility for their whole selves—mind, body, and spirit. Feeling disconnected and restless gives rise to their need to argue, judge, critique, and tweak everyone around them.
Their inability to handle themselves adds fuel to the fire, which perpetuates their harshness.
Underneath their personality is a feeling of being separate and a desperate plea for help.
We can’t change another and we can’t make someone want to change. The only way we can help is by being true to our self, finding our power within, and being an example of wholeness.
Here are a few practices I’ve found useful, loving, and extremely effective.
1. Be still and ground yourself.
Naturally, when we are confronted with a rude, irritable, or irate person, we tend to avoid them. We think that if we avoid them they will go away, or at least we hope they will. The truth is that, although this may happen, it is much more likely that they won’t until we learn an alternate way of dealing with them.
Negative energy has a force and it can knock us on our butt, usually in the form of us engaging in toxic behavior. If we are not grounded, we may find ourselves arguing, judging, or stomping out of the room.
Making sure we are firmly planted in our body enables us to look the person in the eye and be completely present. It gives us the opportunity to remain calm and pause rather than engage in behavior we may later regret.
2. Look them directly in the eyes.
Darkness, negativity, can’t stand light, so it can’t remain in the light. Looking someone directly in his or her eyes dispels darkness. Your light pierces through the superficial persona to their being.
When I practice this tool one of two things always happens:
- The person walks away or stops talking.
- The conversation takes a more positive direction.
We all want to be seen, from the cashier at Target to our spouse. Taking the time to look at someone offers them the greatest gift we have to offer: connection.
Try it as an experiment and see what happens.
3. Listen to understand.
I find that whenever a difficult person confronts me, I automatically tense up and mentally consider my defense. When I am calm and open-minded, I know that I never have to defend myself, ever.
The most effective way to diffuse a difficult person is to truly listen to what they are trying to say, which means keeping my mouth closed and hearing them all the way through.
Whether or not I agree with them is irrelevant, and I certainly don’t need to let them know what I think. I can listen and get back to them if necessary such as with a spouse, co-worker or friend.
I find the following responses to be most effective:
“Let me get back to you on that.”
“You could be right.”
When a person is being difficult, it is because they are responding to their perceived reality rather than what is going on in the moment. Often times their frustration has very little to do with us.
I find when someone’s reaction seems over the top for the situation that repeating the same response diffuses the situation.
4. Learn when to be silent.
Some people are extremely closed-minded and impossible to talk to, but we need to speak to them. When I find myself in a situation with someone who just can’t hear me in the moment, I don’t force the issue. Trying to get my point across to someone that can’t hear me only escalates the situation. Sometimes the clearest form of communication is silence.
At a later time I can revisit the conversation with the person and communicate what needs to be said. Regardless of the person’s response, I can share my feelings and thoughts and let go of the outcome. Focusing on them responding a certain way only results in two difficult people unable to accept what is.
5. Be honest with yourself.
If we are repeatedly in a situation with someone who is abusive verbally, physically, and/or emotionally, we must stop trying to change him or her. If we find we are practicing a spiritual way of life and someone close to us isn’t changing, it may be time to get honest with our self and find out what is really going on.
The question of whether or not to end a relationship with a difficult person, whether a friendship, work or romantic relationship, can only come from within you.
If you can honestly say you have done what you know to do, have asked for help from a friend or professionally and nothing is changing, then its time to go within for the answer and trust what you find.
On the other side of a difficult person is an opportunity to grow.
No matter what we are presented with in life, we have an opportunity to choose more or less responsibility. Remembering that true responsibility is our ability to respond in the moment.
Of course, this takes practice and is not easy. However, as we take more and more responsibility for our life, circumstances and people lose their power over us. We learn to choose our responses moment by moment, no longer being dragged around by emotions, thoughts, or circumstances created by another or our self.
About Elizabeth Young
Elizabeth Young is most importantly a student of The Art of Living Inspired. Years of suffering ended when she discovered who she is. She writes about her journey that led to the recognition of One. She produces and co-hosts The Possible Podcast – To Achieve Things You Never Thought Possible found in iTunes, Stitcher, and Zune.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wonderful advice. Thank you.
What if you are the difficult person? How do you stop doing that? This resonated with me. I feel like I can’t escape my negativity and I feel horrible about it running over when I am desperately trying to hold it in. I fail. It comes out and I hate myself for it.
Love this post. I started writing my own journey as a child to try and figure out how to deal with difficult people still in my life. Your post was really helpful. http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KCYKDQA this is my short story on the start of my journey : )
Thank you for this post. I began reading it to learn how to deal with difficult people and very quickly realized that it is ME who is that difficult person. That was a sad eye opener. I would love to know more about the other side of things. How to became less of that difficult person. It is a very unhealthy cycle that I need to break or it is going to break me. Any help would be appreciated!!
Thank you for the useful article. Just what I need in order to learn how to react and respond to difficult person which unfortunately exist and come throughout our journey. This is helping me a lot to be able to stand on my ground. To say STOP and NO. I still work on my ability how to be assertive.
In the warrior view, we need difficult people in order to confront our own egos.
Difficult people are petty tyrants. But for the person whose self-pity and victimhood are still active, a petty tyrant is the perfect person to learn with. Once self-pity and victimhood are erased, it’s amazing how difficult people disappear.
Wow!
Wow it is wonderful that you were able to see your truth while reading the post. I have an enormous about of compassion for the ‘difficult’ as I find myself releasing those old behaviors bit by bit. I write about my practices and what I call the Art of Living Inspired on my blog. I believe in order to BE who we are we must implement practices to wash away who we are not, hence The Art of Living inspired is all about daily practices. Signup for The Art of Living Inspired Newsletter where you can email me anytime. Thank you.
It is a moment to moment practice. Thank you for your comment.
I understand the feeling of being powerless. The more you try to not do something and you end up doing it. Then the cycle of self hatred, remorse and guilt only to go around again.
In my experience I had to reach out to something greater than my mind and emotions. Call it nature, Life, God, whatever so long as it wasn’t me. I stopped going into my mind for solutions and began implementing daily practices to still my mind and connect to this something greater.
Living Inspired I need to get out of the way. It truly is an art, which I devote time to each and every day. I began small and built my practices over time. Today although I practice daily tools I no longer do them only at specific times of day. Today I take them with me each and every moment. They are my ‘wax on and wax off’ as Danielson learned in the Karate Kid 🙂
I send out a newsletter with all sorts of tools so visit my site and sign up.
Lastly, You wanting to change is a gift. You seeing, that you need to change is Grace. These 2 things move us through our challenges.
Thank you.
Congratulations on your book launch Esther.
Thank you for your insight Gary.
Thank you. I did sign up for your newsletter. Thanks for the personal response also.
Everything claimed here is achieved by experience, but reading it somewhere is always a good start 🙂 Great article and thank you Elizabeth.
Thank you Nikola. Awareness is the start to a difference experience for sure.
I second that WOW!
Yes, we are ALL probably difficult to some people. When we see a characteristic we don’t like in someone, there’s a good chance that we either have that same trait and reject it in ourselves or we feel jealous and we wish we had more of it.
This is a great piece, Elizabeth. Very well timed, direct, and extremely helpful. My goal is to be mindful of these tools so that I can practice using them when I find myself in situations with difficult people. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Thank you for your article it makes a lot more sense than randomly wandering around with your head full of crap that does nothing more than take up space and destroy your own self worth in the end of things. You made awesome points on handling things in a positive effective manner where by you actually get to see both sides of a picture, I’ve done a few of these things myself and felt the feeling of calm wash over me. I shall take the lessons above and continue to place them in my head as I move on with my lessons in life.
Your welcome. I’m glad you found the article useful. All the best.
Wonderful Ming. I find it is truly an ongoing practice 🙂
Right on. Thanks Harmony.
Awesome and your welcome.
This open my eyes.Now in the University I have a classmate she is nice but she is a difficult people,sometimes I don´t know why she is with me.But I felt that I need to learn and help her to change.
But have to confess sometimes makes me crazy for the way she see the life!,well to that moments in my mind I count 1….2….3…. and breathe.
This is a great article. I used to experience fear with difficult people, and would go blank while they took the opportunity to get some more verbal blows in. For years. Now, I think I have progressed to more of a verbal fight response. I’m still quite a happy guy generally but that fight instinct is pretty strong. It just feels weird to respond with kindness when someone is being an asshole. What about meeting fight with fight, but then taking it to a better feeling place when it’s comfortable to do so?
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I deal with this too recognition is the most important step. Watching out for my drama queen is second. Stopping it is the third step. If you can’t do it alone tell your friend or husband or sister and ask for their help. You won’t stop in a day. That ability to fight can also be useful when needed so just use it appropriately. My sister is this person but is fighting hard for my mother in a poor nursing home.
Thanks for sharing! I work retail and encounter difficult people all day long. This is a great reminder of how to deal with them!
Wonderful advice!!!! GREAT post! 🙂
Dear Elizabeth,
I love your post about dealing with difficult people and especially the acknowledgment that at some point or another we’ve all been those difficult people. I’m one of those people who sees the good in life and wakes up happy for no reason almost every day, but even with that, I know that I’ve been difficult at time and maybe in a way that has allowed me to deal so well with difficult people.
I think it’s important to remember that when we are in that “difficult” mood, we thrive on conflict, therefore when encountering a difficult person, the best thing to do is stay calm and not escalate things. This way, they either realize that they’re not being very reasonable or they are out of arguments. Either way it’s a win-win as any conversation is way more fruitful when done in a calm way.
Lavinia
Silence is itself one of the most important fundamental practices to deeper listening, even preceding honesty — for we must be in touch with what is true in ourselves in order to be honest about it. Many people I’ve worked with find it difficult to allow the gap of silence to enter conversation before speaking again — in fact, our culture more often appears to promote quick comebacks or other defensive gestures. But both honesty and empathy (especially at the beginning, and proportional to the amount of “charge” in what triggered us) require the silence, the slowing down and allowing the spaciousness we can breathe into ourselves to give us greater clarity to what it is that is actually triggering us inside. And the truth is, it’s never *actually* the person that triggered us but that something in ourselves: the structure of habituated thoughts and beliefs that give rise to our anger or frustration.
Enjoyed reading and reflecting on this — thanks, J. Elizabeth!
wow i really like what you had to say I will practice this in my every day life the best I can thank you!
I like that too, where can I read more about that Gary?
Dealing people, not just difficult
people is easy. Understanding will be a great factor. By understanding the
person, it gives you power to predict conflict or you may avoid it. I am not
saying you have to manipulate every individual’s feelings. The main issue is
that you have to be in yourself, no wearing of mask. A person has the ability to adapt or change from time to time. So there is a small chance you can get in to that life. The main attitude of a difficult person is PRIDE. They are used to being a superior. If you study them enough, there is no doubt you can’t handle such personality.
Great post by the way!!! icare143.blogspot.com
I recently read a terrific (terrific!!!) book by Bill Eddy called It’s All Your Fault, which is about dealing with difficult personalities (High Conflict Personalities, in his terminology), and it is pretty much the same as what you are writing here. Vey interesting.
Wow, I really have to think about this, thanks for this. I’m with Fred, I would like to benefit from some further reading on this.
Thanks Jason, I’ll have to check it out.
Thank you. PRIDE is a killer, at least for me. I have to watch out for whenever I NEED to be right 🙂
Your welcome.
Wonderfully said Kelsey. Silence truly is the place to be! When I learned to BE there everything changed. All the best.
Thank you for your thoughts Lavinia. So true.
Thank you.
Wow retail can be tough 🙂 You’re on the firing line! So great that you care to read posts like this, your customers are very lucky to meet you.
I’ve found that whenever I meet difficulty/anger with difficulty and anger I always feel worse. Communication is important and I’ve found that it can only happen when both people are calm or at least respecting each other. This of course is just my experience.
Even when someone is being an ‘asshole’ I chose not to give my peace away ESPECIALLY to someone like that 🙂
Of course all of this has taken years of practice, mostly meditation, finding and being comfortable in the silence within.
🙂 I love it that you practice the coating and breathing. Life truly is practice! Thanks for sharing Fernanda and I love your giving heart!
I learned that the best way to help people change is by BEING the best example I can be. And of course if anyone asks me directly for help I share my experience on the issue at hand.
Sorry, but you are lumping everyone who is not exactly like you into the same category. What about the “difficult person” who simply has a different view than you? All great religious visionaries were “difficult people”. George Fox, most early Friends, Mother Teresa, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Mohandes Mahatma Gandhi, ALL of them challenged the status quo, because they held up a mirror and asked “Do you see that you don’t SEE?”
That’s not the same as *disturbed* people, abusive people, manipulative people.
Any activist is a difficult person. And we NEED them. Were it not for them, there would be no change in our understanding of the world. There would be no concern about HIV/AIDS, there would be no concern about the poor, there would be no vaccines, or … the list is endless.
So, I say THANK YOU to difficult people. And maybe not so much to abusive people.
I don’t think that acting to change what we disagree with means we can only do so by having a difficult personality. Great leaders can disagree without being difficult. And of course I don’t know a human being who at one time or another hasn’t ever been difficult themselves.
Thanks for your insights.
I am a difficult person. By understanding why I’m so difficult I hope to change my ways.
Thank you for the recommendation. It’s on my reading list now.