“Not all of the depression that people experience is an illness… Unlike clinical depression, congruent depression is actually appropriate to your situation.” ~Dr. K
Every day is the same. Every day I’m stiff. Every day I’m tired. These are the two main things that people with fibromyalgia deal with. It’s been like that for a couple of years now. Six to be exact.
I’ve faced so much hardship all at one time: no job, no income, no friends, dealing with an emotionally immature/narcissistic mother, and not living where I want to live. All of this is making me sleep poorly.
It’s all been chaotic and stressful and hasn’t helped my fibro or been helpful since discovering my highly sensitive personality trait a year and a half ago.
I read that when you have fibro, you’re often depressed. However, anyone would feel mentally down in the dumps if they experienced these painful sensations all the time. Then for a little while, I started to believe that maybe I was truly depressed. I met all the criteria, after all.
So I hopped onto the free listener service, 7 Cups. I’ve been using it for almost two months, and it’s helped me somewhat. It‘s good to have somewhere safe to vent, to feel heard and validated. It’s also nice to know someone is actively listening to what you’re saying. Still, despite this intervention I’ve had days where I’ve felt down.
However, today, the clouds parted.
I watched a video on YouTube by Dr. K on congruent depression.
It’s a type of affective depression that occurs:
-When you’re in circumstances that you can’t control or have little control over
-When you have no fulfilling purpose
-When something is lacking from your life
This type of depression is actually normal. You’re experiencing a very human reaction to a slew of negative situations that you feel you have no power over. It is your body telling you that something needs to change.
It can also happen if you feel you have no direction, or the paths you’ve taken have always led to bad outcomes.
Congruent depression can be remedied if one does the following:
1. Find purpose of some kind.
Life purpose is complex nowadays, and our brains haven’t caught up. There’s very little physical labor needed to survive. Most of us don’t have to chop wood, work in fields, or trudge back and forth to a well, and I’m pretty sure no one rides horses on dirt roads. It’s harder to find true purpose when you don’t really need to do anything because everything is done by a machine.
But we can still find purpose by working on something that matters to us personally, fighting for causes that we believe in, finding ways to help other people, and pursuing our interests and passions.
2. Connect with people (to deflect loneliness).
As humans, we are wired to be social/connect, but our modern digital world doesn’t help with this. We’re the most connected we could have ever possibly imagined, yet we are very disconnected. I believe this, aside from social media, is also another factor in the increasing rates of suicide.
We need to connect with friends and family—face to face. And we need to really be present with them, honest with them, and open to their honest feelings so we can connect on a deeper level. When we can’t connect face to face, virtual connecting works just fine, so long as physical distance doesn’t turn into emotional distance. This is why I’m trying to post more to social media—so I can genuinely connect with people and feel less alienated.
3. Find some way to deal with mind-numbing boredom (that doesn’t involve gaming, binge watching, social media, etc.).
Our leisure activities in the hyper-digital age are all about consumption, not creation. There’s less painting, playing instruments, working with our hands—the kind of things that bring pleasure and joy to the person and society at large.
Find a hobby that you can immerse yourself in, something physically engaging and maybe even creative—something that will get you out of your head and into a state of flow.
4. Address the issues that contribute to your feeling of helplessness.
Re-locate, find another job, or break off toxic relationships, if these things are contributing to your depression. None of these things are easy, but just taking steps to create positive change can help you feel empowered and more in control of your life.
I’m actually considering moving at some point, pending COVID updates and my health, because I know this would go a long way toward improving my state of mind.
5. Focus on self-discovery/self-help.
Uncover your past traumas and commit yourself to healing. Work on identifying and overcoming limiting beliefs. Discover how you’re sabotaging yourself or holding yourself back so you can get past the blocks that keep you stuck.
It’s only by learning about oneself, without the input of others prejudices or judgments, that one can find peace and happiness.
*Self-help resources are free and plentiful nowadays. There are eBooks, podcasts, YouTube channels, blogs, websites, and Facebook groups to help with your personal development. You can also use astrology, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and the enneagram to get a better look at yourself on an individual level. I personally have been using astrology and tarot to understand myself and have found both very helpful, and I’m loving the book Becoming Bulletproof by Evy Poumpouras.
You can take all the prescriptions you want, do all the therapy there is out there, but for many, these are costly, time-consuming Band-Aids. They are not fixing what’s actually wrong—the drudgery of working a dead-end job you hate, the pain of staying with an abusive spouse, etc.
That’s not to say taking medication or doing therapy is wrong. However, if you’re doing therapy and taking medication and nothing seems to improve, then you need to do more. You have to make actual changes in relationships, jobs, and lifestyles, to really feel different.
Medication and therapies are simply aids to help you regain a better footing in the physiological and psychological sense. The rest is truly up to you.
About Jade B
Jade is a cat mom from Ontario, Canada. She has a BA in history and is a full-time guest post contributor to numerous sites. You can find her website at jadebaldwriter.weebly.com and her eBook She’s Sensitive on Amazon KDP.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Good to know my story helped! Yes, the pandemic makes it harder too. I can relate to that as well.
you are welcome Becky! Pills and even therapy aren’t always the answers. Changing up your life in any way can be the key to good change.
Are you my therapist? no. Are you my doctor? no. Do you have fibro? not from what you’ve shared. So please, unless you know the author and their story, or experience some health issue yourself, either stop short at thanking them for sharing or just don’t say anything. Your advice is not appreciated. Thank you for understanding.
Perhaps you should consider why my comment caused you to experience an emotional reaction?
Also, I recommend that you look beyond your emotions and research graded exercise therapy if you haven’t already. It might actually be helpful.
Thank you, I’ve just gotten around to reading this. I have a history of depression but I think this time it’s the version you describe. Bored, lack of purpose, tired of where I live, it doesn’t suit me anymore. Tired of being alone. I feel like I’m supposed to drag up some strength and purpose inside myself that isn’t there, after several years of trauma and loss. Been on pills and therapy most of my life, 12 step also which has probably helped the most. Maybe this can get me in the right direction. Thank you.
Finally! – There’s a name for it! Congruent Depression.
A few years ago I stopped taking antidepressants because they did not change the situation. Pills don’t stop your family from being toxic and your friends from being selfish. Pills don’t help you deal with inconsiderate people. I knew a prescription was not going to fix this.
Thank you for the wonderful article. I will follow your advice.
I really enjoyed reading your post and appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I can totally relate and It’s nice to hear others be open and honest about their feelings and how they deal with their situations. Ever since the pandemic I have been working from home and feel socially isolated. I get stuck in my head for hours on end and feel like I have no one to reach out to or connect with w/o feeling needy or pathetic. I dont have many friends, just a few people I keep in touch with bc I am also a introvert. As an adult I feel it’s more challenging to make friends and create genuine connections with people. I live with my bf and 2 dogs which keep me company and give me unconditional love but I also know they cannot fufill all of my needs. I have been searching moreso now then ever to fill that void. I would like to find something that makes me feel useful and where I feel I am making a difference. I have explored multiple options and different creative outlets but since I have battled depression on and off for years along with anxiety I always feel like like I’m not choosing the right thing for me. I struggle with being patient and consistent since I lose interest and get bored easily. This is a huge hurdle for me since it always ends up bringing me right back to where I started, back to square one. I have come a long from the dark place I was years ago but it takes daily effort. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me feel a little better knowing I’m not the only with these struggles.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Whilst your general advice is helpful, unfortunately congruent depression isn’t supported by psychiatry.
I think you misunderstand the goal of therapy, which is to teach you the tools to sort out your own life. Any good therapist will encourage you to make healthy lifestyle changes.
Graded exercise therapy is recommended as part of a treatment plan for Fibromyalgia as there are health issues that arise due to inactivity that further contribute to pain.
Thanks Jade. I’ve been telling people this is how I feel for the last year and no one seems to “get it”. I recently sold my house, quit my job in hopes of fixing my congruent depression. I wish you the best. Cheers to positive changes!
This article is a great jumping off point to talk about different types of depression and why it is an indicator of issues we all face as humans. You are not broken if you are depressed. There’s more info about this in the book Lost Connections by Johann Hari. He goes into detail and has interviewed researchers for the book to talk about the reasons we can feel depressed, some of which are in this article. I recommend giving it a read if you are feeling stagnant and depressed in your life. I too have fibro and hated that one of the symptoms was depression. It made me feel like I was somehow chemically composed to be depressed. But that’s not true. Thanks for the good read, wishing you the best.
Right there with you.
Harsh tone in your response. Peace and love as we seek to understand one another. Thank you for your article. Let us practice compassion and gratitude for those willing to join the discussion.
I have gone through this several times in my life And when my psychiatrist told take medicine life long for depression As per him I have a tendency to be depressed
By hearing this I was even more depressed and felt hopeless and not agreed what he said
Because for me ,my surrounding and difficult situations in life were the main contributors of my plight
So I took charge of myself and started educating myself about how surroundings and people interfere with one’s psychology
And today I am strong enough to handle my self during adverse situation
Thanks to lots of self help materials present online these days