“We must each lead a way of life with self-awareness and compassion, to do as much as we can. Then, whatever happens we will have no regrets.” ~Dalai Lama
If you’re anything like me, you may have a love-hate relationship with social networking.
There are so many cool facets to social networking sites, such as Facebook, but I am finding that the relative ease of information sharing with the masses and portable nature of technology bring their own set of challenges. Not a bad thing, per-se, but perhaps an invitation to practice even greater mindfulness and compassion.
Consider the title “FACEbook”
Jungian psychology describes the journey of the self through personal individuation. It’s a path of learning how to better understand and shed aspects of our persona—the “mask” or public face we use to make an impression on others, while potentially concealing parts of our true nature—as we work toward integrating a more holistic and genuine self-presence in our world.
The hope is that in coming to better understand our multi-faceted selves (desired and undesired aspects), we come to realize that while we are unique, we are also very alike in our fears, our longings, our hopes, and desires.
In other words, after all our all our striving to be someone, we eventually learn to relax into who we are in our shared humanity, which is broken and beautiful.
Facebook has been both my friend and enemy throughout the past year and a half, as I have struggled to recover from surgery after surgery due to traumatic injuries suffered in a climbing fall in November of 2012.
Mindfulness practice is something I have chosen to embrace as part of my recovering journey. I am finding that as I come to better understand my own feelings in relation to pain and struggle, loss and gain, ability and disability, and despair and hope, I am comforted by the realization that these are the things I share with all human beings.
Awareness
I think I am not unique in the sense that, by nature, I tend to compare myself to other people. The society we live in encourages the competitive spirit—the edge that somehow sets one apart as “better” or “more deserving” of praise, affirmation, or whatever.
We are proud of our accomplishments, our abilities, our attractiveness, or the things we believe define us. The feelings that arise with these qualities are good, even though they are fleeting.
But what happens to our spirit, or our psychic energy, when we are faced with loss of ability, loss of attractiveness, or loss of what has typically brought us happiness and fulfillment?
When we are faced with any type of emotional experience, Facebook can provide a fertile opportunity for composting those feelings, or churning them around in our psyche.
These feelings can serve as a reminder to have compassion with ourselves.
For a period of time, I found that I needed to limit my interaction with Facebook, as the postings of others seemed to really magnify the pain and losses I was feeling.
Seemingly “perfect” lives appeared to reach out from my computer screen to punch me in the face. I was consumed with my own personal misery—my scars, my disabling injuries, and my frustration with how limited my life had become, as well as my uncertain future.
My initial reaction to these feelings was to feel really bad and guilty, and to minimize my own experience.
As my mindfulness practice evolved, however, I was able to create maitri, or unconditional self-acceptance as a part of my healing journey. To be able to tell myself “yes, your life does suck right now, and it is okay to mourn your abilities, your hopes, and dreams” was incredibly liberating.
Since then, I have taken dozens of vacations from Facebook, and I return when I am ready.
The feelings we experience as a result of social networking can also serve as a reminder that we are not alone. They are shared by all human beings.
The Buddhist concept of Big Mind indicates an awareness of reality that transcends the merely personal, into the collective reality of all humankind.
Have I ever felt proud of my abilities and my appearance? Absolutely. Have I felt the desire to share my joy in accomplishment or circumstance with others collectively? Of course. These are awesome feelings, and they teach us the value of gratitude.
But I am acutely aware that there are folks out in Facebook-land who are also faced with struggles and challenges, and that whatever I post may engender a variety of responses or feelings in people with varying life circumstances.
Mindful Compassionate Posting
With every post, I try to be mindful of feelings and personal reactions. I ask myself these questions:
What is my reason for posting this?
Is it because I want to share what is happening in my life, to communicate good or helpful information, or a positive message?
By my posting this, I obviously have some kind of expectation of others reading it (otherwise, why would I post?). How will I feel if the comments or feedback (or lack of them) are not what I had hoped for?
Am I posting this because of some kind of validation that I need, or can I let go of the expectations that I might have?
If I am posting to share good news (new job, achievement, marriage, children photos, etc.): Am I aware that my posting could bring up feelings of loss or pain in others?
I know that every day, people are faced with job-loss, acquired disability, divorce, or inability to legally marry, infertility, and other losses of hopes and dreams.
If I am posting to share news that is difficult, again, what are my expectations?
To be encouraged? To simply share information? Am I willing to not take things personally, understanding that sometimes the written word is not adequate to share or respond to some things.
It is unrealistic to think that in an age of widespread mass-communication, we can circumvent certain challenges and difficulties.
But we can become more aware of our reactions and compassionate in our interactions.
We can learn to brace ourselves for a variety of emotions when exposed to a huge diversity of experiences—all of which are relative and changing, and utilize Facebook and social networking as tools for cultivating greater loving-kindness toward ourselves and all beings.
Photo by geralt
About Chris PM
Chris has worked professionally in the fields of human services, retreat work, and ministry for over twenty years, and is presently using her education and experience as a trauma survivor to reach out to others on similar healing journeys. She is also a writer, and mom to two children—one with special needs.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Chris! Thank you for this post! I also have a love-hate relationship with facebook and often take the vacations like you do. I have chosen mostly to refrain from posting about my life because I am one of those people that doesn’t want to hurt others feelings. It bothers me to know that I may possibly be bringing up feelings of loss or pain in others. I would rather withold exciting news and only share with my closest family and friends. What I am realizing is all the facebook “friends” I have are mostly just acquaintances now. You have to ask yourself, how much do I really want to share with acquaintances? Your mindful compassionate posting questions were very helpful! I agree that facebook can teach us the value of gratitude, but it is also detrimental in many ways. Social networking is definitely a new challenge for all of us!
Your refraining from posting exciting news sounds very counter-cultural! It also must be hard, as I have found that it is sometimes hard to contain excitement….we want to share good news with everyone! (At least I do) When I listen to my internal rumblings, often I question my motivation….and realize that it has a lot more to do with instant gratification. Then, how often are we taken out of the “moment” because we are preoccupied with what we just posted. It definitely IS a very challenging issue….and social media is here to stay.
Wow, I really connected with this post because I’ve had a similar love/hate relationship with Facebook! I love that it keeps me in contact with people all over the country and the world, that I might otherwise lose track of…I hate that in moments where I am feeling down about my life, I find myself comparing myself to others on social media and how their accomplishments stack up against mine. I recently commented to someone that I was a little disappointed when I posted something that I felt was encouraging regarding my writing career and few people commented, etc. It frustrated me because had I instead posted a picture of a cat hanging upside down, everyone would’ve commented and liked it to pieces! But then I realized that they may not understand what this particular post meant to me, they may have felt insecure about their own lives right now or maybe they simply hadn’t saw the post! Also, I recently went through Facebook to ‘clean house’. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by deleting them but I kind of stood back and thought ‘is this someone who even occasionally connects with me on Facebook’ and if not, do they connect with me in the ‘real’ world. If I said no to both those questions, I gave it another days thought and finally deleted some of those people. Again, it wasn’t to be mean but I just feel that Facebook is kind of like the real world – it takes two people to make a relationship – so if I am emailing you, liking you pictures, commenting on your stuff…..if I am trying to connect with you outside of Facebook and yet, I am not getting the same, why would I continue to keep you as a ‘friend’? Cause really, you aren’t. When I share something on Facebook, I like to think it’s for the people who sincerely care about me and are concerned with my well-being and life. I would rather have a few caring friends on Facebook than 1000 people who probably wouldn’t say hello if they passed me on the street. Sorry for the rant:-) You opened a can of worms here, my friend;-) Great article!!!!!!
Michelle….you’re right about the can of worms….sorry about that! I can so relate, and lately have considered doing some “house cleaning” as well. One of the things I also became aware of lately is the fact that some folks use Facebook to expand their business practices…..I guess that isn’t a bad idea, but it all comes back down to the “quality” of relationships thing…why would I knowingly make myself a commercial target?
Yes, this is true too. I know I will occasionally mention my writing on mine but I know my friends and family want to know what is up but generally, I like to post jokes etc, something fun or share links I feel are important. I see Twitter as more of a place to network, sell a product. It just doesn’t feel right at this time in my life to have all these people on my Facebook friend list that are more like ‘extras’ on a movie set rather than the actual ‘stars’ in my life. I know it depends on the circumstances, obviously, but if there doesn’t seem like a real connection I guess it just doesn’t work for me.
This is so timely!! That is exactly why I believe Facebook is an excellent vehicle for businesses but a horrible way to socialize. It seems like it is driving away our ability to hold authentic relationships with people and instead build these shallow virtual worlds of “friends”(who are really more like mere acquaintences, if that) based on mere images….Whew!!!(thank you for letting me express that)
Again, don’t get me wrong, I think social media has its place but I also think it really is damaging our interpersonal relationships.
I agree….Although I have to admit, it was helpful to have facebook as a socialization option when I was / am home recovering (not my preferred way to socialize though!) I will be curious to see how things evolve, because I also think social media mirrors how the world is changing (and there are no easy answers!)
Thank you for writing this. I have MS, and because of debilitating fatigue and physical disability, I am often forced to be homebound instead of getting out and enjoying life with friends and family. FB is a double-edged sword at these times. It is lovely to be able to connect with people I couldn’t see otherwise, but it is very difficult to look at photos of people enjoying their summer at the beach, to read about their wonderful vacations, or to get FB invites to events I can’t attend.
As I learn to practice mindfulness, essays like yours help to remind me that self-love is an important part of caring for myself. Sometimes it is okay to say: “My life sucks, and I get to feel sorry for myself today!” It helps me get back to the mind-place where I can celebrate what I DO have. It is great to read a piece like yours and know I’m not alone in my love-hate of Facebook.
Thank you so much for your response Lainie…..I can totally relate! I think that sometimes hearing from someone else who is struggling can be comforting….we feel less alone! I do think facebook can potentially intensify the unique aloneness (although I’ve subscribed to lots of mindfulness pages and those that bring me “good energy” too.)
Sending good thoughts and healing energy your way!
…another quick thought….the “self-love” you mentioned can be tough to remember on a daily basis, (especially when we are cursing things we “can’t” do) so thank you for the reminder!
Here’s an interesting article I someone sent….definitely relates! http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2013/08/19/213568763/researchers-facebook-makes-us-sadder-and-less-satisfied?utm_source=NPR&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=20130820
As a recent Facebook vacation taker, I am really glad I came across your post. Having used Facebook for the last 8 years, checking my account up to 40 times a day I got to a point where I didn’t know why I was feeling so anxious every time I checked it. And then I realised I was comparing myself to everyone I came across and my inner-critic was going wild with why I would never be truly happy. Having not used Facebook for 10 days now, my head is clearer and I can focus on the ‘real’ relationships in my life. I feel like I can be a better friend now and this is something that makes me really excited!
K
x
Hi Chris – Thank you for this post. You basically have written an article about my thought process also when doing a status update, or a photo upload. As of recent, my husband is constantly posting really dark or too personal status updates about his father dying of cancer. I have received a few complaints from people telling me I should say something to my husband; to “tone it down” or “it’s too much” or “too negative”. He uses FB as another outlet for his feelings as do many many others. Your thoughtful article points out that it is worth questioning the reasoning and expectation of our posts. Obviously my husband is looking for compassion and people to relate to him…. but I do not think he considers that others are uncomfortable with his updates. I have not brought this up with him yet, as I believe everyone mourns differently. I certainly get uncomfortable or drained when others are constantly airing their dirty laundry on FB or are consistently negative. I can see why people have come to me, but a part of me wishes they would be more compassionate and understanding as I am with others. A part of me wishes my husband would take into consideration how uncomfortable others are. I do not know who is necessarily right in this scenario, or whether it’s simply a matter of perception. All I know, is I am trying to take something away from this uncomfortable situation in order to grow.
Glad to hear! I have had similar experiences. I feel my kids appreciate my taking those “vacations” too!
Wow, that’s tough….I WISH folks were more just naturally empathic, tending to respond to folks’ reaching out, such as your husband (and I can relate, as I recently posted a status update of my father having heart issues, asking folks for “good energy.”) I don’t think your husband is alone! I know of a lot of people who are struggling right now and feeling pretty disconnected. FB is an attempt at connecting…..but I don’t think it can substitute for real human connection (even though we can spend so much time on it!). I think it is an indication of our times, unfortunately.
I try to think of posting as sending helium balloons out into the universe, without expectation. (sometimes hard though!) Maybe your hubby could consider using Caring Bridge to keep folks informed? Then he could always just post a link, and interested folks could go there. I think often folks don’t want to think about such things (illness, death, loss), and don’t appreciate reminders….although we ALL have to go through them and will need support. Again, another indication of our busy, “I deserve to be happy” times, unfortunately. You and your hubby, hang in there!
I read this post with great interest. You are absolutely right about mindful posting. While I do think that social media is great for reconnecting with old friends and staying connected, I don’t think it’s the be all and end all in social interaction. I see friends post everything and just about anything. It can annoy people sometimes when a friend bombards my newsfeed with constant posts and status updates. Also, I see some of my friends having this thought that if you don’t get a certain number of likes and comments or you don’t interact a lot on facebook, you don’t ‘have’ friends in real life. I know for me, I’ve become inactive on facebook for several years but I prefer interaction outside of facebook as I get older. I call, text or meet up with friends in reality but I don’t find the need to post all of that on social media. Same goes for other things including vacations and things I bought. I don’t think it’s wrong to be one way or the other. At the end of the day, the user is in charge but I do think that some people put too much emphasis on facebook as if it’s the be all and end all in social interaction.