“Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment.” ~Unknown
My biggest relationship fear used to be getting dumped for another woman.
If it actually happened, it was going to be the ultimate proof of my worthlessness.
It wasn’t easy to live with that fear. When it came to conjuring up scenarios of loss and pain, I was like a rag doll in the hands of my imagination.
Even if my partner did not leave me or intend to cheat on me, the fear of being abandoned turned me into a person the man I was with no longer recognized.
It was almost as if the woman he’d met and was attracted to, who’d responded to him with passion, interest, and adoration, had turned into the nightmare girlfriend that he had read about in men’s community forums.
My fear, hiding in the closet like an imaginary monster, made me extremely jealous, paranoid, manipulative, and controlling.
It was limiting my experience of life and preventing me from truly opening my heart to my partner.
I didn’t like who I had become, and the less I liked myself the more I would depend on my partner to feel good about myself. He would energetically feel this pressure and withdraw, which then would trigger my fear of abandonment even more. It was a vicious cycle that I could not end.
I was aware of these side effects but I didn’t have the courage to face it. I had underestimated the magnetic energy of my fear.
I was a walking self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe it was just dumb luck that I attracted men who would help me work through my biggest fear. Or we can call it perfect divine timing and order. I personally choose the latter.
The men I attracted were intelligent, creative, talented, fun, and sexy. I wasn’t the only one who saw those qualities. Other women were drawn to them like bees to honey.
It would not have been a problem if these men had confidence and didn’t feed off the energy coming from these women. I was tortured with suspicion. I cried, screamed, yelled, threatened, and did whatever I could, but I was unable to change the men.
These relationships turned into a huge source of stress—for me and for them.
I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. I wanted to stare the fear in the eye and feel its cold breath on my face so that it would not have control over me anymore.
Once I recognized what I was doing, I began identifying outdated perspectives and beliefs that didn’t contribute to healthy relationships. Reviewing this short list may lead you to your own a-ha moments.
1. Be willing to be honest with yourself.
I could have avoided so much stress if I was willing to face my fear of abandonment. Instead, I shoved it into the back of my subconscious and pretended it was all my partner’s fault.
Eventually, it got too big to keep it under wraps. What we don’t know—or don’t want to know—can actually hurt us.
2. Recognize your love script.
We all have a love script ingrained in us that we unconsciously follow. If this script keeps bringing us pain and disappointment, we may have to pay more attention to what we’re doing and why.
Do you always go for women who have a lingering interest in another person?
Do you pick the guy who has a fun personality but still lives with his parents and can’t take care of himself financially?
Now look for other constants and pull from your family history to make connections. Your love script will reveal itself. Once you see it, it will all make sense.
3. Know that your expectations, not other people, cause disappointment.
Some of our expectations are not realistic, and in some cases, it isn’t our partner’s job to meet them.
Not knowing our expectations is a deadly trap that creates tension and resentment.
I felt shame when I tried to say, “But you didn’t call me after work before you went off to have drinks with your co-workers.” So instead, I would do the same to him in order to give him a taste of his own medicine.
He had no idea that I expected that from him. He would have, if I had known it myself and communicated it. But I didn’t. Instead, I reacted. Deep inside I knew that it was an act of control and it was childish. My hidden expectations slowly pulled us apart.
4. Realize you’re not the center of your partner’s world.
It sucks to find out that the world doesn’t revolve around you, doesn’t it? I used to think, “You mean, you don’t think of me all the time, fantasize about me, hang onto my every word, and see eye to eye with me on all areas of life? Wow, I thought you loved me.”
The truth is, they are their own person and they are having their own life experience. No matter how much they love us, we are still playing a role in their life, and aren’t their whole life.
For how long and how well we play that role is up to how each person does the relationship and lets the other person be themselves without trying to control or change them.
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If we are unable to look at ourselves and be honest about our pain and how that fuels our behavior, we will keep repeating the same patterns.
I don’t know about you, but that got old for me, and I had to own my own fear of abandonment in order to untangle myself from this pattern. I am glad that I did.
Now, if I feel insecure in a relationship, I just think, “Oh, it’s that old fear again” and stay present. Now I feel like an adult most of the time instead of like a child who fears abandonment. It has made a whole world of difference for me, and it could for you as well.
Unhappy couple image via Shutterstock
About Banu Sekendur
Banu is an intuitive coach and a healer. Her passion is removing emotional, mental, and energetic splinters that create blocks to joy. You can connect with her on her website and her budding Facebook group Heart Alchemy Crusaders.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Biggest recurring issue for me has been being very upfront and honest with someone I was romantically involved with and them only hearing what they wanted to hear, seeing only what they wanted to see and/or thinking they could “change” me. I have been disappointed because of this. I keep trying, but repeated relationship failures does weigh on a person after a while regardless of the reasons for the failures.
Hi Sentinus,
You’re right, relationships failures do weight on us. That is exactly the time when we make a decision to look at whether how we have been doing relationships serve us. We grow up with beliefs that end up shortchanging the experiences we could have by upgrading them. Somehow our inner being has to be convinced that the necessity for change is there. For a while, we only get there through pain- until we develop more awareness. Don’t give up. This is the normal path for most of us. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Yes, this. On top of that, I’ve had a habit in the last ten years of choosing men who don’t want a monogamous relationship, so my jealousy is actually justified, even though none of them have been dishonest with me about it. So I’ve spent a lot of time feeling afraid of abandonment and doing all the things you’re talking about, with men who actually ARE involved with other women, when what i want is a monogamous relationship. I’ve just had another breakup, and am really sitting down to figure out why I keep doing this to myself.
But how did you work through this fear of abandonment and come out the other side?
Hi Lucy,
Good for you for recognizing the pattern and saying, “no More”. From here on, new doors will open up for you and you will be lead to resources (articles like this) to walk that path. The jealousy that arises in romantic relationships is like an 8-legged octopus. It has many components. They aren’t revealed all at once. One of the arms is this: The “other woman” is basically someone embodies the qualities you think you don’t have, can’t let yourself bring out or reject in yourself. It’s the woman we think we “can’t” be- even in one minor sense. Another arm: There is a “I am not chosen” script that’s running and needs to be rectified. Third arm: Early attachments. etc, etc. It’s not easy to cover in one article and that is why I chose not to touch it. It was astute of you to ask that question!
To start with: Acceptance of its presence and faith in your ability to work with it really helps. Don’t give up. Follow the threads and they will lead you to more self-love, emotional freedom and empowerment.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
yes, that makes a lot of sense. I definitely have a comparison thing happen (either “I wish I was more like her” or “why would he choose her to be with rather than me, when I’m so much better” ), and an “I’m not chosen” script that’s been very strong for me in relationships, to the point where I seem to actively choose men who only choose me along with other women (i.e. don’t choose me exclusively). I can see where I focus on the not being chosen part, which pushes my partners away because they feel that they actually HAVE chosen me. They then don’t feel that I see their “choosing” of me, which must hurt them, and in some ways I am rejecting their love by choosing not to see it, because it doesn’t look like what I think love is supposed to look like. It’s been very damaging in most of my relationships. I would love to be able to let that go.
Wow. This article is great timing. My partner came home at midnight and after asking him why he was late from work, responded with “Private Business”. So of course I instantly start imagining scenarios of him meeting another woman…. I also don’t wanna fall into this self-sabotaging behaviour… I want my partner to feel that I am a positive influence on his life, not a negative one
Glad you were able to identify with them. You are closer to seeing and breaking the pattern than you think!
Hmmm. I still think it’s OK to ask, if you’re not doing so accusingly, and for your partner to give you an actual answer.
Great article, thanks Banu. When I give my emotional and sexual energy to a partner I do expect monogamy, respect, openness and honesty and I make that clear to them. Of course these things would need to be important to them too. I believe they’re important elements for developing trust in a relationship and when there’s trust, there isn’t much room for jealousy.
I think it’s important to recognise the difference between intuition and emotion. Intuition is quiet and non reactive. It may nudge us to let us know something’s not quite right and we should address this before it becomes an emotion (like jealousy). If I communicate my concerns gently and without accusation, I expect my partner to respond gently with openness and honesty. An angry and defensive response and ridicule can be signs that something isn’t quite right.
Hi Stephanie,
You make great points.
True words: …they’re important elements for developing trust in a relationship and when there’s trust, there isn’t much room for jealousy”. This directly ties in with having enough awareness, confidence and personal power to walk away from those who provide real/good reasons for jealousy to occur.
You also said, “If I communicate my concerns gently and without accusation, I expect my partner to respond gently with openness and honesty. An angry and defensive response and ridicule can be signs that something isn’t quite right.”. I agree with this as well. I wrote a lot about self-love here on TinyBuddha way before I wrote this article. Looking for exactly what you described, I realized that it needed to be a part of myself-love practice to offer the same to my partner. When I offered it to him, I got back exactly that. No fights, no fuss. You might enjoy a recent blog post I wrote that included this as one of the five relationship attitudes I discussed that I currently practice that work for me and my partner: http://www.workwithbanu.com/five-relationship-attitudes-that-work-i-swear/
Thank you so much for your comment and taking the text a step further.
Love,
Banu
Hi Hayley,
Of course you want your “partner to to feel that I am a positive influence on his life, not a negative one”. Yet, that can’t come at the expense of uneasiness for “real” reasons on your part. Instead of letting it brew (“Private business” can be construed as suspicious by anyone), ask him by saying something like, “You know, I started making up a story after you comment about private business. I am not trying to be nosy but I need your help in stopping this story in its tracks”. A good (and mature) partner will want to eradicate any fears /suspicions you may have. Because unless you feel safe and trust, you can’t open your heart to him and be present. And that’s what a man wants from his woman…
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Thanks for the link Banu, Another great article. Stephanie
Thank you – this is brilliant! It’s so easy for me to relate – so useful. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately and I’ve realised that this is at the heart of all my self-sabotaging behaviour with the man I love (who isn’t my partner and realistically probably never will be). I’m so scared of being left. The fact that he’s TDH (tall dark and handsome) – or a totally divine hunk – meant that from the start, I pushed him away whenever he made a move, or anything resembling a move.
I also realise that (apart from being addicted to the idea of being with him, attached, ego-clinging) I now base my own feeling of self-worth entirely around whether or not he still “likes” me, or at least the degree to which that’s the case. We had a perfectly lovely date last year, but because he wasn’t acting like a cross between Don Giovanni and Romeo, I decided he just wasn’t that into me – that there was insufficient chemistry. Oh and I became convinced he was *also* seeing a girl who had called him “buddy” on Facebook… so a few days after the date I unfriended him. After *that* he behaved like a jealous, possessive Byronic hero stung by rejection, but I was too upset to discuss anything with him…he tried to talk but I pushed him away.
Very, very insecure. Mind you, if he’d been more confident himself he would have at least tried to get some sense out of me…but I guess he just really didn’t care.
Every day I live in fear of his finding someone else (we’re currently separated by thousands of miles)…but though we have “history” not enough happened between us to justify me writing to him out of the blue confessing that I still have feelings.
According to Eckhart Tolle, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.” I guess all this is telling me to evolve beyond being jealous, insecure, and overly attached. It’s amazing, though, what emotions can do to you. Before I met this guy – who is my romantic ideal personified, everything I ever wanted in a man, from looks to intelligence and rare common interests – I was fine on my own, a stable, hard-working human being.
Sorry for the epic [and self-indulgent] comment, somehow the pain just weeps out. I’m trying to achieve some sort of equanimity, feeling of non-separation from him, but just accidentally coming across a new picture of him on Facebook (we still have mutual friends) throws me. I still feel I ought to do something but at the same time can’t. I’ll probably be seeing him in two months at an event…I’m so scared he’ll no longer be interested, or worse, that he’ll casually mention something about “my girlfriend.” What would you recommend in terms of getting out of the vicious cycle of “needing’ and “wanting”?
Again, apologies for length – I realise you may not have time to reply, but even if you don’t, I’m very grateful for your post and the tinybuddha site. 🙂
Hi Priya,
No need to apologize for the lengthy response. I can see that it helped you process and you arrived at a smoother spot all on your own.I can’t help but recommend journaling if you don’t already. It will be a powerful tool for you to arrive at your own inner wisdom and start trusting it. That’s how I started. Also, go back to what you wrote here, copy and paste it onto a Word document and highlight all the sentences that tug at you. That will reveal the core set of beliefs and painful memories you need to work with to free yourself. There is some free coaching for you!
Priya, when we push people away, it is because we fear that if we let people close to us, beyond past the image we put out to the world, we will be found out for how “not good enough we are”. This is more common than you think and does not exclude me. That ability is a muscle that needs to get exercised and strengthened. The reasons for this fear to come out are complex but the main reason is because we grow up not knowing who we really are. We know who we are from the reactions and projections of the people who raised us. There are other pieces to this but I want you to know that how you feel about yourself is real. But you don’t have to be a prisoner to it. First understand that our perception of self is made up of many lies that prevent us from seeing and loving who we are. The lies are the projections and limitations of our caregivers- who were flawed human beings and did what they knew best.
Self-love is the answer and that requires the practice of reviewing our negative beliefs about our own worth. It doesn’t happen overnight but it gets easier and you feel freer to be you. You can do it! Don’t give up in the middle.
Wish you a smooth journey ahead…
xo
Banu
This is really helpful for me. My last few relationships have been
scarring for my love life, and I kept asking myself why men couldn’t
stay with me. Then I looked at my love script, as you said, and realized
that all of them had issues with distance (I was living in China while
they were in America or Europe). As much as *I* can tolerate distance,
due to my belief that love matters more than being physically close to
someone, doesn’t mean that they could. I stopped torturing myself by
saying what was wrong with me, or what I could have done better. Thank
you for sharing your experience. I really related to it, and will use
this article if I begin to feel the same way again.
What do you do once you recognise you have a HUGE fear of abandonment? I am pushing my partner away because I constantly acuse him of not showing me he loves me enough. When he chooses to spend time with friends and not me my mind tells him that is proof he doesn’t love. I constantly feel hurt when I know I shouldn’t yet I can’t stop feeling that way. 🙁
Try to see every time he is out with his friends as an OPPORTUNITY to spend time with YOURSELF. If you don’t like spending time with you why would anyone else. So, learn how to. Ask yourself what you would like to do this evening. Find out what your interests are. Entertain yourself. Stop using other people for entertainment.
Most importantly, allow yourself to feel the pain that you feel. It’s not that scary to feel it and it passes faster than you think.
You are not alone. Most of us are in the same trap. Takes guts to pull yourself out.
Peace.
Thank you so much, i’m in tears over how completely on point this article is for me, you’re wonderful and have helped me return back to the present
This is a great article. I too, self-sabotage, but sometimes, you cannot ignore your intuition that something isn’t right. I feel as though if something doesn’t feel right, then it needs to be addressed.
this hit home!!!’