“The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change; yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.” ~Timothy Gallwey
Have you ever wanted something so desperately that you became devastated after many failed attempts to get it?
Has the same pattern kept repeating itself no matter how you tried to change it?
Have you ever longed for something so deeply that you lost interest in life when it didn’t happen?
There was a time when I felt this way. I was at a total loss for what to do next.
I wanted just one thing in my life, and I knew it would make me feel happy and complete. But it kept eluding me. The harder I tried to achieve it, the further away it became. I felt repeatedly heartbroken and cheated.
I didn’t think I was asking for too much. Many people had what I wanted. I had searched for years to find it and thought I deserved it. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t have a normal life?
I wanted to find my soul mate.
I kept trying, but I kept falling in love with men who couldn’t commit. Each time, my boyfriend and I seemed so compatible. I looked forward to every hour spent together.
I could envision a life together, and my boyfriend seemed to be on the same track. But one day he would drop the bomb—“It’s time to move on.” I heard the excuse, “The timing is not right” so many times that I resented it.
After searching everywhere for answers, I kept hearing the same messages:
- When things aren’t working, you need to stop trying so hard.
- It’s better not to be so emotionally attached to the outcome.
- Things will work better if you drop your expectations and work with “what is” instead.
This contradicted everything I believed in. I’d always gone after what I wanted. It worked while I lived at home and at school. Why wasn’t it working now that I was on my own and the timing was right?
What Stops us from Getting What We Long For?
Defeated, I searched further. I learned that often when we feel hopeless and stuck in life, it’s not just that we’re trying too hard, it’s that we’re trying to control things.
It’s not possible to have everything the way you want it. Too many other variables are involved—primarily what other people want. We all have conflicting wants and needs, and our desires are often thwarted when they conflict with what others want.
It took me a while to admit that I might be controlling. But we live in a society of achievers. People learn to go after what they want relentlessly, and that’s what I had learned.
Once in a meditation class I attended, the instructor compared his laid back, Eastern students with his Western students. He said Western students try to grasp in order to achieve stillness in meditation. Eastern students tend to allow.
With meditation, allowing is the only approach that works. Grasping pushes away the experience of peace. You must let go in order to sink into a state of meditation.
Next I learned something that was even harder for me to accept—the underlying reason that we try to control things. We do so because we’re afraid. We have deep-seated, often hidden fears about life. By trying to put our lives in order the way we want them, we feel more secure.
That idea took some serious introspection. But being honest, I finally had to admit that I was lonely and afraid of being alone.
That’s what made me so intense about finding the right mate. And my result was the same as that of the people who grasped to achieve meditation. I was chasing my potential mates away.
I was prematurely expecting each relationship to turn into a marriage and acting as if it was a given. I wasn’t being patient and letting things develop. It was too much pressure for the men in my life.
An Experiment That Can Change Your Life
After realizing I was suffering from the perils of being a control freak, I realized I had nothing to lose. Out of desperation, I decided to see what would happen if I had goals but let go and let things unfold without directing them toward a specific outcome.
At this time, I had also been laid off from my job, making things even harder because I viewed my career as the other part of my life that made me complete.
I started big by vowing to let my next relationship be decided for me. After all, my track record wasn’t so great.
I viewed this as an opportunity to start over without trying to control—without expectations—with less fear and more faith. I set my mind to believe that things would work out if I relaxed, trusted, and went with the flow instead of against it.
I began to follow Deepak Chopra’s advice of “being the observer” of my life. I calmed my fears by trying to be conscious that there is peace in the brief moments between our thoughts.
I began practicing meditation and yoga with a yogi who showed up in my life. I started walking for an hour every day with a girlfriend, Mary, who I’d just met in my company’s outplacement program. She had been laid off the same day I was.
My life changed markedly in a very short time. For the first time, I realized I didn’t have to be full of anxiety even if I was single and unemployed.
I checked in with myself and realized that in each moment I was okay. I could handle this. I could slow down, try to find the best course of action, and focus on how to change—how to be more relaxed by allowing rather than grasping.
I still had goals, but I started going with the flow and being open to other possibilities instead of insisting on specific outcomes I thought would make me happy.
Incredible Things Materialize When You Learn to Let Go
Although unemployed, I began to feel far less stress every day. It was like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t been happy with my job anyway, and it felt great knowing I could try something new.
As a result of meditation, yoga, and exercise, I was able to stop the depression medication I had been taking for several years.
I had tried to wean myself off of it before, but it didn’t work until I loosened up and started being open to this new way of life—experiencing the possibilities instead of directing things.
Surprisingly, I was enjoying this experiment. I felt like I was truly living life instead of holding the reins, hanging on, and being thrown off course emotionally when things didn’t go the way I wanted. I started seeing that great things were coming to me.
Dropping my fear let me experiment with observing what was going on around me and allowing things to unfold. I began to see openings and opportunities I never would have found had I kept trying to make things happen. It was like opening gifts.
For the first time in my career, I decided to start my own business. And instead of hooking up with another boyfriend, I found a group of like-minded friends who made me feel at home.
I found them by joining a group Mary told me about. They were studying a book called, “The Quest.” When she told me about it, I said, “That sounds like something I’m on.” It turned up at just the right time—and so did Mary.
It took quite awhile for the right relationship to appear, but in the meantime something valuable happened. I got to know myself better, and I grew immensely. I became comfortable in my own skin and even grew to love being single.
Later when I was happy with my life, I met my soul mate and husband, Mike, at a singles event. He is completely different from previous boyfriends.
I knew he was the type who wanted a commitment from the start. His eyes sparkled the first time we met, and he was genuinely interested to hear as much about my life as I was about his.
We have so many things in common. We share the same interests, we’re intellectually compatible, and we even like the same food and furniture. Where we differ, we are still compatible. It’s amazing to me how it all turned out.
There is no other way to know what it’s like to drop your expectations and go with the flow unless you try it for yourself like I did. There definitely is no way to trust it until you experience it working.
I’ve watched others go through similar disappointments in life trying to make things happen. Many of us are wired to pursue specific outcomes that we believe will give us security. If only we realized we could be happier if we open up and tap in to what comes our way while we’re busy making other plans.
About Jan Tucker
Jan Tucker is an author, speaker, and yogi who helps people transform their lives by returning to basics, finding their inner balance, and living a healthier, less stressful life. She teaches the many “how to live” concepts of the full yoga path. Visit PerfectInnerPeace.com/ebook for a free subscription to her online magazine and the free e-book, “10 Ways to De-stress Your Life Permanently.”
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Isn’t being the observer just an amazing tool, Jan! And ah, control. It lies buried when we don’t even know it’s there 🙂 Just love your story!
Thanks Susan! yes! Our control being buried is the crux of the matter…just an observation. ; )
Loved your story, Jan! I’m so happy that you eventually found not just what you wanted but something even better. Whenever I get anxious because I’m not getting what I want I remind myself to relax and wait for the universe to bring something much much better, beyond my wildest dreams. Thanks for reminding me 🙂
Jan, your story inspires me! This week I was discussing with my yoga’s instructor how it is dificult for me finding time to meditate and she told me that it is dificult for everyone, even for her that is doing yoga for more than 30 years. That if we really want, we should make this a priority. So, since last Tuesday, I am meditating. This is my new intention. Hope so, I can transform myself as you did to yourself.
I’m routing for you, Lily! I heard this from a monk who studies Yogananda, and I always remember it: Whenever you’re thinking about something you want to do that is extremely valuable to your life but you feel you don’t have time, think of it this way: You can always find the time to eat, right? Sometimes you eat a little more, sometimes you eat a little less when you’re rushed, but you always eat! (He was talking about meditation.). It made me smile…and he is so right.
Thanks Valentina, I find that the universe is much more intelligent about what we really need than we are. When it brings us things we don’t like, it is also good because it coaxes us to change and improve. It’s when we’re on the right course–when we are aligned–that the magic can begin to happen.
Thank you Jan! I am so glad to hear from you. I am even more confident that finally I am hearing and attending the universe 🙂
Hi Jan,
Thank you for your post! It contains a lot of excellent advice and wisdom.
Who is the author of “The Quest?”
Thanks!
Great blog Jan. I’m going through a major life change and am leaving my marriage of nearly 30 years. And the hardest thing I must admit is doing it alone. So I am constantly working on everything I need to get my life back and happening but really feel the pressure of where I’m at because things have not changed or happened. So I’ve decided to stop and surrender. To accept and realize I am doing the best I can and even if I’m not where I want to be, I’ve done everything I can.
Hi Dave, Thank you for enjoying it. Depending on where you are and what your belief system is (or what you want it to be), The Quest may or may not be the right resource. It is written by Richard & Mary-Alice Jafolla. I describe this book and others I recommend for different reasons on my website. If you’re looking for something specific, I’d be glad to make recommendations.
Hi rt, Surrender is a very powerful thing. It’s what letting go is all about. I could write a book about it! I wish you well on your new journey. Just remember, one step at a time.
Thank you for this wonderful blog. I am familiar with patterns of control…and I needed to hear this message. I have recently gone through a period of growth and I am open to the Universe and believe the outcome is better out of my hands.
Jeremy, It’s wonderful that the timing of this post was right for you. What an exciting time in your life. You’ll think back to these days and smile at the change in your perspective. Enjoy what comes!
Their has been so much in my life that i have had to question.My life has not been very simple.When thing are going good somthing seem to happen. But i am an optimist i also believe their is more to life then waiting for somthing to happen.If you believe in your self and your capabilities to achieve.To go higher then you thought was possible .
Thank you.
Hi Regina, Yes, that is the issue…when things are going well something seems to happen. John Lennon said “Life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans.”
The question is, how can we best deal with the obstacles while moving toward our goals? Can we navigate the waters by heading straight for the waves? Will a 45 degree angle give us a smoother ride? Should we change course altogether and find a way around the storm? Should we head back and start over?
Life has infinite options and we are free to try them all.
Just what I needed to hear at this point in my life. I have such a hard time letting go of control. I never realized how much of a control freak I am until I couldn’t control my circumstances. It should be easy to relax and let go, but I’m going to have to be forgiving of myself and take little steps toward that goal. Crazy how hard it can be to relax in today’s world. Maybe my husband can help to hold me accountable 🙂 Thanks for the article!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Lindsay. I think we all need reminders about this issue. I still fall into it sometimes. It helps to identify the underlying fear that is driving us to want to have control. Then we can work on letting go of the fear which is a really healthy thing to do! Good luck with your experiment! ; )
Wow, very insightful, especially about trying to control things and why we do feel the need to aggressively go after what we desire.
Jan thank you for writing this. The past couple of years have been hell for my need to be in control, absolutely nothing has gone my way. For some reason I think I need to master non-attachment, either just as a life lesson or something that will serve me in my career. I’ve spent most of my life in and out of depression and struggling with crippling anxiety, but I found God/Source and am slowly learning to let go of my attachments. The biggest one is probably my life purpose and career, I’m super ambitious and the timing just doesn’t seem to be right yet. Hard not to feel like a useless human being but I’m aware that the only way I can achieve true success is to be completely at ease with the possibility that I may never actually be “successful” according to society. I’m learning to be gracious, open, positive and deepening my empathy for myself as well as humanity, because what good is success if you can’t be a decent human being eh? 🙂
I can relate. I’ve been having this problem for years, especially the part that giving pressure to men and think that marriage will happen just like that. Having too much expectation. I am very anxious about everything and what I imagine about future most of them are negative.
When I read your story I feel a bit relieved that I’m not the only one feeling it.
I ended up aware that I don’t love myself and tend to blame anybody around me when things happen.
I wish I can be far more better and enjoy the flow of life.
Thank you very much!
This doesn’t help me at all. All of this talk about letting go is only useful when there’s no danger you’ll end up in a mental hospital or damaged for life. Anyone who has gone through some serious hardship (not mere disappointment with life) will realize that if you don’t keep you feet on the ground, you’ll be overwhelmed and completely lose the way back, and there’s no way to look at this in a good light.
In any case, I’ve been struggling for years with a series of serious issues (health, spiritual, mental) and all I can say is that the only things I learned from this is: 1) not to conform our lives (and our understanding of our lives) to any doctrine or philosophy; and 2) that it it’s VERY important to make the world a better place to be lived on; and 3) losing the sense of an enclosed personality will lead you to break through isolation, which is the only thing that will save you from very difficult situations. No matter how well prepared and skillful you are, you cannot go too far all by yourself.
I have to say I agree with allowing things into your life, and that I find this article useful in some cases. There are points in my life where I can see myself putting all of this to good use, but right now is just not one of them.
With all of this said, I can only point out to the fact that we all come out wiser after the difficult trials of life. If anyone is reading this who is in some serious hardship, I can only tell you to learn the power of cooperation and solidarity. And after life is done abusing you, use that experience and make a vow of good will to help others in need. This is the only path to erradicating suffering from your life (and the world).
Believe me, it’s much better to work hard, making sacrifices to help others than to struggle to save your life when it is too late.
This post was overall good and inspiring. People have control over their lives in general, it took me many years of suffering to realize this. The more negative I am, the worse things tended to be. Get out there, have a positive feeling of yourself, never let others doubt or drag you down. No ones opinion of you matters…except you. Believe in yourself overall, push it and keep hope, good things will come eventually. There will be bad times to, but keep at it, that is just life:)
Otavio, thank you for your perspective. Absolutely, if a person is in a serious mental state, they should seek professional help. Any type of life advice when someone is mentally or emotionally unstable can fall short. That state can be separate from someone facing serious hardship, however. They may or may not be the same.
I was suicidal, not just disappointed, when my career and my love life fell apart at the same time. I didn’t have a support system or strong family ties to help me. My brother had committed suicide years before. As I climbed out, I learned to take life less seriously and to identify the underlying fears that were causing my deep despair. I gained a new perspective on life, and had far better results, by releasing those fears.
w, keep working at it–loving yourself, and realizing that life can be your friend if you let it. Thank you for reading and commenting!
L, and then again you may “be successful according to society one day.” Sometimes when we truly let go, so much can change. It may not happen when we want it, but if we keep going, we often can’t imagine what lies ahead. Things come to us as we change and grow. Keep doing what you started because it sounds wonderful!
Hi Mickey, I, too had a serious problem with negativity. Thanks for bringing up the importance of feeling positive! It’s definitely a choice that improves so many things.
I needed to read this today, thank you. I’m in the stage of being stuck – unemployed, single, and sometimes hopeless. It’s even worse of a struggle when I only hear people telling me, “You just pity yourself and you’re pathetic. Go do something in life.” Hearing that only makes me want to quit even more because they don’t understand – I can’t force someone to hire me when they send a rejection letter. I can only apply for other jobs and keep striving at that. I stay productive all day with freelancing online too, however it’s not a livable compensation. For once in my life I just needed to hear some positivity about my situation, so I thank you for being that one instance. Take care.
I find it disturbing that you are giving women essentially the same advice we have gotten since time immemorial: let life happen to you, let the men make the decisions in your relationships, and take what you’re given (after all, “nobody’s perfect!”) I’m tired of being told that as a woman, I’ll “scare men away” unless I pretend that I don’t care about my future, and that I must be willing to “be patient” (in other words, wait indefinitely and hope that they’ll decide to give adulthood a shot). Giving up on one’s dreams is not a sign of maturity or spiritual progress; living one’s life without agency surely is not the answer. The sad truth is that real love is rare in this world; I don’t think any amount of time spent reciting mantras is going to change that fact.
Need immediate help please help me
While searching on how to start to change my life …then found this 🙂 Reading this makes me feel more positive that i can really change…recently i lost everything home, boyfriend..job (its been difficult to stand up again ) . I just always stay in my parents house like nothing to do sleep,eat, sleep like everything is falling apart .. i really wanna change my life so bad .. I wanna make my dreams come true but it seems so difficult ( wanna work abroad and start all over again ) i think going to new place and starting again will make me more positive .. thank u for this advice
25 and depressed
While searching on how to change my life, I saw this
4years relationship with the one I thought was the love of my life ended like a joke on my 25th birthday, I’m sad depressed, I can’t even concentrate at school
Right I feel like the only thing to help me heal is moving abroad and starting a new life but trust me when I say I don’t have a penny to fund my trip abroad
Life’s sucks
I’m in constant fear and I don’t even want to go out anymore and interact with people
Going through a similar situation right now. I loved this article. Soo many things to reflect on and it gave me hope. It’s been a year I’ve been jobless and especially my mom keeps dragging me to her sarcastic lectures. I understand her frustration but by doing soo she crushed my self-confidence and self-trust. I’ve applied for soo many jobs and it’s surprising that I didn’t receive a call from any one. It actually disheartened me and I lost interest in life. It feels like Life is taking a test, it wants to test my patience. After reading this article, it gave me hope and will definitely try things you have mentioned. Thank you for this wonderful writing! 🙂
Let it GO..it was never yours…
People come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. When they come into our life, we never know which of these reasons they’re here for. It doesn’t matter. Embrace everyone equally. And remember you are also coming into their life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. Give them the very best of yourself.
Thanks for sharing this Jan! I have the same desire about finding a soul mate, and I was thinking the same :Why cant I have it if everyone else does? How hard it can be? So I thought Im the only one in the whole world who cant have it! It is very helpful to read about someone who went trough the same and that it ended up in a great way. It gave me hope! I surrender to the process
This article provides a great perspective on how to maintain while going through difficult times. What stuck out for me is timing of everything. For me I dont have any set expectations for anything bcuz I dont expect things to work out anyway. Either the timing is off or it’s just not meant to be. I’ve been struggling in alot of areas for years and things continue to get worse, even when I try different approaches. I feel defeated and drained, which often makes it hard to find the energy to try again or attemptt to move forward. My confidence is shot, my faith no longer exists, my depression has worsened, and I’m reminded daily that although I may be good, I’m just not quite good enough. I’m dealing w/ all these things by myself as I have no significant other, kids, close relatives, or support. It’s just tough. I’m trying to be patient, but after so long of nothing happening I feel like I’m only kidding myself and wasting my time on the hopes that something good is coming. It could just mean that I dont deserve to have good things to happen. It’s a hard concept to grasp, but at least I’d have a better understanding on why things never work out. All these thiughts are probably just the depression talking, but it’s how I feel right now.
This all really hit home for me. I’ve felt so lost these last few years and when a romantic prospect comes into my life I do try to control it, even if it happens subconsciously. I’m a guy and I very much related to the need of desperately trying to find your soul mate. It consumes me to the point where I succumb to unhealthy behaviors and expectations. I do suffer with fear that I’ll always be alone and sometimes I feel like it’ll kill me. I will definitely try to take your advice and just let go while obviously working towards goals and self improvement not trying to force expectation on things and let the chips fall where they may. Thank you for writing this, it was so therapeutic to read 🙂
Yuliya, you made me smile. You really picked up on that little point I think I only made once in the article, but that was an important part of the problem. I was comparing what I had with what I thought most others had. We can really mess things up by thinking that way and not being realistic. I just expanded on that thought in my reply to George above. Thank you for checking in!!
Hi Jinal, this is a very helpful thought for sure! Thanks for adding it! It can take the hurt out when we feel like the season isn’t over yet from our perspective.
Hannah, Thank you for sharing your experience. So many people are experiencing this same thing right now–you are definitely not alone.
What we are going through on the outside–especially when it is so tied to the economy–is not a reflection of what we are on the inside. It has nothing to do with our inner value and our true worth.
It’s so helpful to remind ourselves of who we are on the inside when we go through struggles like these. Make a list of your positive qualities and keep it where you can refer to it often!
Also see if you can get someone familiar with the type of jobs you’re looking for to help you take a look at your job applications and resume if you have one. Do some mock interviews to prepare for the times you get called. Make the most of them.
Read “What Color is Your Parachute” and other positive books about finding employment. Find other books that speak to you about self-worth and motivation. Surround yourself with this type of input to counter the negativity. I know you can do it!
Hi George, I’m so glad this post helped you and I hope observing and letting go is working out well for you. I hope you are enjoying every moment!
Those subconscious (hidden) things we do are the hardest to root out for sure. That’s why being the observer is so powerful–that and quiet, alone time where we can introspect.
What surfaced as I read your comment is something I’ve observed in my own life as a result of having long periods of not having a love interest in my life, interspersed with having that special someone.
I noticed that when I was single I tended to idealize the idea of a relationship. In addition to feeling alone, my mind told me that other people who had someone in their lives were so fortunate and they must be so happy! This made me feel even more alone and like I must be broken. I believed I was missing out on life.
Too often we believe the grass is greener on the other side. We convince ourselves of it. We compare our lives to the ideal we believe we should be living up to.
After experiencing both being single and being married, I now see that the truth is, there are pluses and minuses to being single and there are pluses and minuses to having a soul mate.
Also, the reality is that a lot of relationships people are in are not working out. And not everyone is in a relationship–more and more people are single these days.
There are pluses and minuses to every situation in life. Remembering to be realistic can solve a lot of the problems we inflict on ourselves by the way we think.
It was healing for me to really look at this idea–maybe even writing down the pluses and minuses of each state can help us observe our thoughts very closely to analyze what is true about being “alone.” Are we deceiving ourselves by not seeing the picture clearly?
Now that I have my soul mate, I can look back and realize how much more relaxed I could have been had I known the outcome. I wouldn’t have had to take myself through so much torture and angst. A little faith that things will work out for the best if we allow it goes a long way!
No matter which side of the fence we’re on (single or involved), we are still the same person inside. The way we perceive things–our thoughts–completely determine whether we’ll be able to have a great experience or not.
Just thought I’d throw that in.
Oh my! I’m sorry to hear how you’re thinking and I’m glad you saw something here that helped.
Yes, depression does make it harder for us to turn our thoughts toward the light. I often recommend a book that helped me greatly when I was depressed. It was recommended to me by a therapist long ago and I never forgot what it told me to do.
You can find it in the recommended resources section of my website. It’s the second and third book by Burns when you scroll down under the section Self help/Psychology: https://perfectinnerpeace.com/recommended-resources-to-improve-your-life/
It will help you to learn about replacing the downward spiral of thoughts with an upward spiral instead. When you learn about it–how the downward spiral works and what to do about it–life becomes much easier! Blessings to you in your efforts!
Hi Jan,
Thanks for sharing this article. I, too, am going through a similar phase in life where am trying too hard to achieve my goal but nothing going my way. Which makes me feel unhappy and depressed some times. But if we start giving in to situations, if we start rolling with flow, doesn’t that undermines the value of hard work ?
I guess the underlying puzzle which confuses me is hard work vs destiny. I have always believed in hard work. I read many stories about great people changing their lives with hard work. Of course, in last two years that believe is shaking up but I haven’t given up on my hope. Should I roll with situation and stop trying ? Should I believe that no matter how much you work, if its not destined, its not going to happen ?
Please let me know your perspective.
Hello Puneet, very interesting perspective and questions. This has turned into a long answer.
I need to explain that I am not saying “going with the flow” means not trying, not working hard, and not having goals. On the contrary, I am still a very goal-oriented, sometimes still even a driven person. I am doing multiple things all at once to move my life forward to work toward my passion. Many things have changed in my life since I posted this article, in fact–due to hard work.
As a result of working hard every day, using my talents as a writer, and as one who believes in helping others and doing whatever I can to improve the world we live in, I was finally led to work that I can claim as my passion.
I was not following this path before. Instead, I was following the path society gave me. I have an MBA degree and I was working for corporate America. I was very unhappy in this role for several decades!
Since the economic crash, when the industry I was working in at the time disintegrated around me and my job went with it, I tried several different approaches to get back into the career stream–but this time I did it as my own business rather than working for others.
This took a number of years to work itself out. I worked first toward being a freelancer, representing a company that provided services for magazine publishers. After a few years, that failed because advertisers weren’t paying my customers, the magazine publishers, and many small- and mid-sized magazines had to shut down.
Next, I have a love for natural products (both for personal care and for use in the home), so I created an Internet retail company offering the best products I could find that had no harmful chemicals. But I couldn’t get it to work well enough to make a living. Finally someone hacked the website and I would have had to start all over, so I decided to put it on hold.
Next, I started an online magazine to help people follow a path of thoughtfulness, truth, and introspection rather than following societal norms. That magazine is still going strong (it’s the one linked to from this article).
It was in going through this process and taking all of these steps that I found something even better. And it came to me because I had my eyes and mind open to read the signs that were coming to me.
During the last two years I became a certified Qigong healer, taught by an International Chinese Qigong Master. I am now using Qigong to help people heal from all types of physical, emotional, and mental imbalances and illnesses.
I volunteer for a local nonprofit to provide healings to cancer clients. I have other clients of my own, I am leading Qigong movement classes both online and in-person, and I am writing a book to spread the word about Qigong and its many advantages. I will continue to keep the Perfect Inner Peace website up and I created a new website specific to Qigong.
Finally I am doing something where I feel I am making a real contribution to society. And I have found that since I became certified, things are coming to me rather than me having to try to find them and make them happen. There has been no beating my head up against the wall. There have been no roadblocks. This is a very new experience for me, and I am enjoying it immensely.
This is what I’m talking about. This is the result I believe you can get if you drop “controlling” behavior and begin to have faith that the right things will come to you so you can “roll with it.”
All of this came about not because I sought it specifically, but because all my life I have been subjected to extremely bad and long-lasting annual bouts of bronchitis. My acupuncturist, who is one of the 10 best in the world, told me about four times in four years, “You need to do Qigong.” She would just repeat those five simple words to me each time–in the same tone of voice and with the same direct look in her eyes–indicating that I needed to learn it for my own health. It was so subtle that I didn’t listen right away.
Since I was working so hard at my business during this time, it took me a long time to find the time to seek a Qigong teacher. But I only had to make one phone call when I began my search. During that one call I asked one simple question about what I should do to start practicing Qigong. The healer on the other end of the line told me that a Qigong master was coming in two weeks to a town one hour away from me to teach several levels of Qigong–“You should take his classes,” she said.
During day one of the first class, I realized that Qigong was my calling. All along in the back of my mind I had wanted to be a healer–actually a healer and a writer. But I kept thinking it was too late for me to start–I had been trained in business, not in a health field. To top it off, the Qigong path runs in direct parallel with the path I am writing about in Perfect Inner Peace. All the concepts are the same! It’s amazing!
This particular Master made it his life work to teach Qigong to people in the US and worldwide–he made it simple enough so we can all learn to use it and use it effectively.
All of these things came together in my life in one single day to send me on a path that I feel great about! It took a long time for me to find this, and it still feels like a miracle to me. I went through a lot of hard work, self-doubt, striving, and above all patience–telling myself that if I kept my eyes and heart open, I would one day finally be successful in my search. I knew I didn’t want to return to working for someone else. And I knew I needed to change my approach from insisting on my way to seeking clues that were trying to lead me in the right direction.
The path I follow has paid off for me. And now I am helping many other people live healthier lives. It is so gratifying when I perform a Qigong healing and it helps someone to heal and release their burden. If you could see the gratitude in their eyes, you would understand what I mean.
Along the way, I dropped my incessant insistence that I make things happen the way I believe they should happen. Had I kept doing that, I probably would have looked for another corporate job a few years ago, where I could keep earning a very good living while still feeling miserably tied to a job that I didn’t think either used my talents or helped other people in a meaningful way.
I hope this example expresses my message a little more clearly. What I’m saying is yes, do your work, learn, teach, try…do whatever you feel you need to do in order to reach your goals, to make yourself happy and hopefully to make others happy. But keep your eyes open for the signs to follow to know what step you should take next–rather than following a path that is replete with roadblocks, and one that makes you unhappy.
Things fall into place more when you are going in the right direction.
Also, what I’m saying does not work is to get too attached to the outcome–to be too controlling in insisting you get what you think is best. You may be limiting yourself if you keep going after something when roadblocks keep popping up everywhere.
Roadblocks are a sign that something is not working.
I didn’t comment about “destiny.” That’s another discussion. But I do believe you can change your destiny. I think we learn from our past actions, whether good, bad, or neutral. We can correct things in the past we haven’t done so well that might be coming around again to test us. And we can benefit from the things we have done well that are coming around to help us. I don’t think we are “doomed” to repeat the past. If we have good intentions, a good heart, and we want to do what’s right, things will convene to help us in our efforts. It’s still not always an easy path, but when we succeed we will feel the lessons we learned along the way were worth it.
If you believe in freedom of choice, doesn’t that conflict with the idea that we can only achieve what we are destined to achieve or be what we are destined to be?
I spoiled my career. Now I have nothing to do in this life. My dream is just faded away. I have no way in the life.
Hi, I have been going through all that you have spoken about. And have got very Inquisitive about your idea. However, could help me understand it better – what does let it go mean?
Your advice is very nice: going with the flow & watch how things unfold. That’s a kind of peace itself. Then things will start to fall into place!
I think a lot of people are feeling down with everything that is currently happening (the pandemic, the lock down, declining economy, layoffs, no money, social and political unrest, nothing to do, no where to go, nothing to look forward to, lots of worry/stress/depression/boredom, etc.).
I can’t believe how I identified with this blog post. I felt it was written exactly describing me. I have tried everything under the sun doing mostly the opposite of this.
I guess I have nothing to lose by trying this approach, so I will.
Exactly how I’m feeling right now, lost everything and staying with parents, i feel like going to a new place for a start over