“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~Jon Kabat- Zinn
Over the years I’ve talked to a lot of people about that one love, the one who got away, the one who it didn’t work out with, the one with whom the timing was bad.
I’ve had these conversations with people from all age groups, including people in their seventies. I’ve had my own journey with all of the above as I traveled toward finding a life partner.
It seems whether you stay together or not you’ll likely be in each other’s minds for quite some time in the form of thoughts, memories, or dreams. If you’re lucky they’ll be sweet, but sometimes they’re sad, hurt, confused, or angry dreams.
Some people really struggle with this. They want their ex-lovers out of their heads forever, relegated to a dark and distant part of their minds.
It’s as though they want them stored away in a box in their mind that they never have to open again. And I get it. Who wouldn’t want to be able to mentally exorcise a person who is associated with a painful and confusing time of your life?
Some people are frightened or confused by the thoughts, memories, and dreams that occur, as they think remembering on old relationship means they’ve made a mistake in their current partner choice or that they haven’t moved on.
In my case, I had daily thoughts about a couple of old relationships for about eighteen years. Yes, you read correctly, eighteen years. The thoughts would often take the form of self-recrimination or sense-making.
“Why did that happen? Why did I do that? Why did I put up with that for so long? Why did I go back to him?”
Essentially, these thoughts seemed to be focused on the question “What was wrong with me?” Others would be about an ex and all his decisions and choices—essentially asking “What was wrong with him?”
Some thoughts would be re-doing the past—how I could have handled it, what I should have done, what could I have done better.
Sometimes they would just be memories, triggered by going to certain places or someone asking, “Have you ever been here, done that,” etc. Sometimes my mind would wonder what it would be like if it the relationship had worked out.
I’ve generally been accepting of thoughts, memories, or dreams of past relationships popping into my head. I’ve never seen it as a sign of not being ready to be with someone else, and rarely have I tried to get rid of the memories. Mostly I think it’s because I accepted that this is what minds do when something major happens.
Getting vulnerable, intimate, and allowing yourself to form an attachment to someone is a major event for your mind. When it doesn’t work out, your mind interprets it as threatening.
Your mind recognizes the hurt feelings associated with a breakup as a threat and then starts a plan to protect you from ever experiencing such a hurt again. So it throws it thoughts, memories, and dreams at you from time to time—in part to help you process the relationship but also to remind you to be careful to not get in the same situation again, in order to protect you from hurt.
Also, minds tend to believe that by thinking and worrying they can make sense or find a solution to the breakup, the “what went wrong” of it all. Again, the mind is always looking for the facts to protect you in the future. Sometimes it’s helpful, sometimes it’s just seems annoying and repetitive.
What can you do to handle thoughts and dreams about past relationships?
1. Accept that it is normal and natural to have thoughts, memories, and dreams about your exes.
Don’t read too much into it. Just see it as what minds do.
2. Avoid acting on thoughts, dreams, and impulses associated with exes.
Don’t call, message, or make a decision to get back together based on random thoughts or dreams. This is probably not a sign; it’s just your mind doing what minds do.
3. If you feel strong emotion with the thoughts, memories, or dreams, write it down.
Writing it down allows us to take one step back and defuses the emotion somewhat. Then engage yourself in something fun or interesting. Get busy.
4. Know that eventually you will think less and less about it.
In the acute stage of a breakup you almost can’t stop thinking about the relationship, but over time the thoughts become less prominent and less painful. Trust that this will continue to happen over time. This will happen more quickly if you don’t engage regularly with your ex. Let the distance help you disengage.
5. Avoid punishing yourself with self-critical thoughts.
Like “how could I not see that, I’m stupid,” etc. Remind yourself that it is normal to want to be loved.
6. Reflect on the positives the relationship gave you.
All relationships teach you something. Remind yourself it was not a waste of time; it was just time, it was just part of your story.
One of my significant relationships ended with a great deal of hurt because of cheating and lies, but I don’t regret it. I learned a lot in that experience—life lessons that I keep with me even today.
For example, I learned that I could survive betrayal and the emptiness that comes with the loss of love—that the pain lessens in time. I learned that when the cost is too great, you must let go of love, even if a part of you may not want to. And I learned that in addition to love and attraction, you need to have shared values.
Still, knowing that I’ve learned from all my relationships doesn’t make it any easier to stop thinking about them.
For example, I spent quite a bit of time wondering why someone said, in breaking up with me, that he needed to spend more time with his dog. (Yes, that really did happen.) That memory came with a special combination of disbelief and hurt for some time. These days I think that story is kind of funny in a “was that the best you could come up with?” kind of a way.
These thoughts, amongst others, are now faded memories that I take with me in life, the good and the bad. I see them each as just another chapter in my story. They are part of me, but they don’t define me.
Some relationships endings are particularly painful. If you are significantly troubled by an old relationship—if you have difficulty disengaging from an ex-partner or have been affected by serious relationship trauma such as domestic violence—it’s a good idea to see a psychologist or relationship counselor to help you work through the letting go and moving forward.
No matter how hard your breakup, one day it will be just another chapter in your story too.
About Nadene van der Linden
Nadene van der Linden is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Perth, Australia. Nadene has two books coming in 2017 Tales from the Parenting Trenches: A Clinical Psychologist vs. Motherhood and Live Life to the Full: Your Guide to Feeling Better Sooner. Follow Nadene on instagram @nadenev.thepsychologist or facebook: Nadenev.thepsychologist and visit her at lindenclinicalpsychology.com.au.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Great list, Nadene! 😉 #keepgrowing #keepcreating
Thanks Ewan! Glad you found it helpful
😉
what if you afraid to do it again….or have some kind of phobia..!!
this is true or that was ture ?
anyway very nice article
Thank you Manish. It’s hard to be vulnerable again after a big hurt but it’s also the only way to find love again. I think you can grow what I call “wolf teeth” after a bad relationship experience and it makes it easier to detach from a charm offensive which cheaters and liars are often very skilled at using. This helps you Only give your heart to someone who is authentic. I hope that helps
thank you
You are welcome
This is the best article Iv read about past relationships. Thank you so much! It couldn’t have come at a better time in my life too 🙂
Thank you Tara for your beautiful feedback . I’m glad you find it helpful. Best wishes
Thank you for this great article. It’s good to know that it’s normal to think about past relationships and that it gets better over time.
It certainly is normal. I’m glad you found the article helpful. Thanks for your feedback
Interesting article, and good advice on how to work on those thoughts. But having the dwelling thoughts on a relationship that ended 20 years ago because you are stuck in a loveless relationship because that person is chronically injured and it would be inhuman to kick them out? Does not help all that much. I wish I was more saintly, but I’m not. *sigh*.
We are all human Jen and frustration and resentment are also normal feelings. It sounds like a very tough situation and you have given a lot given the circumstances. Best wishes, Nadene
I was just going over an old relationship and wondering why…and along came your article. Perfect timing! Thanks so much for making me feel normal.
Thanks Carol! I’m glad it helped you make sense of things
Thank you, Nadene.
You are welcome Alvaro. Thank you for taking the time to comment
wt if the culprit was myself.. and i now want to rectify those mistakes.. but she has lost trust on me.. n i m unable to digest the same.. and all the time thinking about her.. n ruining my life
This is a tricky one. Sometimes we can’t repair what we have done, so it is a matter of self-forgiveness and moving forward. Thanks for commenting Praveen
Thank you Nadene
You are welcome
Excellent post! Thank you 🙂
Thanks Sarah. I appreciate you taking the time to comment
Brilliant and perfect timing. I’m struggling to let go of a relationship which started well and which i clung too even when it was obvious he wasn’t emotionally available. I have been going over and over it all and chastising myself for not letting go earlier. Time to just let it go and move on. Thank you Nadene
You are welcome Alison. Letting go is a process. Just keep working at it. Thanks so much for your lovely feedback
Four & a half years out from the sudden, stunning end of a 25-year relationship; this is some of the best advice I’ve read (and I’ve read A LOT).
Thank you so much SandiYellow for your feedback. Sudden ends are tough and the mind can go in overdrive as there was no warning.
This article help but I feel like I’m battling so much in my head right now!! I have high guard after an abusive ex and I have now been single for nearly 8 years, it really takes a lot for me to like someone one as I over analyse things and them. I have been seeing the odd person over these years but nothing serious or official. I’m now starting to feel embarrassed and that time is running out now that I’m 30 and just this isn’t what I imaged for myself. The guys Iv dated I would find fault or just didn’t have that passionate vibe or feeling from them as if they was to nice. (I knew they was probably the Mr right) but they was just too nice. I would always be honest with them though and tell them the truth and not lead them on. But now with the guys recently Iv been dating if they start to ignore me then I mentally can’t cope! I find its one of the hardest thing Is to be rejected now days. This all come about recently about a few months back I actually fell for this guy and I knew he was was a lot younger then me. But I felt a connection with him so intense and so strong couldn’t explain it. Then a few weeks ago he found out he is off to live in another country permanently with his job but before this he told me everything I wanted to hear and I then started to bring down my barriers as he said he loved me and I started to believe him and dreamed up this image in my head that we would work. He even spoke about me going with him. Was a wirl wind. But then he changed within matter of days and he turned out to be a complete player and I found loads of stuff out about him and he became so childish and started blanking me and then messaging just to see if I was still intrested, which made me upset and confused as he started playing with my feelings and I have now felt so depressed and low can’t snap out of it! I haven’t know him that long for god sake but seems to of re-opened the sorrow of my last relationship and same issues and mistakes and can’t stop wallowing and missing him, But I shouldn’t miss him, I feel an idiot. I just Wish I could erase him from my brain 🙁
It sounds like you have been through a lot. Beware the passionate whirlwind types. If you can give the more ordinary guys a go you might find you build a romantic connection over time that is stable and lasting. Sometimes we need a bit of counselling from an experienced therapist to break old patterns especially if they repeatedly hurt us and make room for something new. Best wishes
Thank you, yeah I haves alot of issues that I need to discuss now I’m an turning older as things don’t seem to make sense really until you become an adult, different stages of your life all of a sudden remind your your dealing with baggage a lot from childhood and what you’ve seen. I have an appointment with a counselling service in a few weeks, so I just talk all these things out. I know what I need to do deep inside I just don’t practice it (I annoy myself) Just feel like I don’t trust and love myself anymore. I think these articles really do help people like me see that they are not alone.
I’m glad Daxa and good luck. You are worth it
This was perfect timing. My ex broke up with me almost five years ago and I still have recurring memories of him. I thought I was the only one who still had thoughts about him years later. Thanks for the post! I feel so much better about this.
You are welcome Eleanor and thank you for leaving this comment! I’m glad you found it helpful. It’s very normal that’s for sure
My BF broke up with me 5 years ago too, but my isn’t Recurring…IT’s DAILY…what’s wrong with me ??
It is amazing to hear that I am not alone. My Ex-Wife did my wrong years ago and I ended the marriage. What bothers me is that I know she is living her life while I cannot in fear of it happening again.
Jrpieces-I’ve noticed you posts about a breakup from five years ago. Mine was two years ago and I am still in agony. Thinking-reminiscing-fantasizing-what if’s etc. It’s not just daily, it’s like every few minutes something takes me back to her. It ended tragically with no closure. I just cant get past it.
I think it’s the lack of closure. Same thing has happened to me. Someone I walked away from, who I’d never want in my life over my current love and life partner, pops up randomly a lot. We had a crazy firey chemistry but it burned a lot…and it wasn’t good for me. I said goodbye but after learning of his tragic cheating and lies. I think never having the closure is what gets me. A man saying he loved me so much and begging me to live with him, could have another woman move in the day after I broke it off, and then still tell me he loved us both? It was so messed up I could never get my head around it and never will be able to. But I learned that you can utterly connect with someone and love them and the relationship still not be right! I’ve learned it had nothing to do with my self worth but his. And I’ve learned that his scars were much deeper then my love could handle, and I’m glad he’s another woman’s problem. Does it mean I didn’t love him and part of me will always long for that crazy connection we once had? no. I feel like when things get scary in life or issues of attachment pop up, I think of him most. Not because I want him back but because how much that feeling sucked and equate it with him when bad things happen. I love the man I’m with and that’s all that matters, and if I could I would never think about Chris again, but I can’t. Life wants to remind me how good I have it and how I now have my dream man…and what I will never put up with again 👍✌️
Is it worth trying to start all over again after all the drama subsides? Or it’d be better to accept the situation and just move on even though I never experienced such connection before?
Hi Lew, It can be difficult to let go if the connection is generally very good. If your ex agrees to couples therapy to understand why it happened then it may be worth trying again. You would also need to assess whether you can trust them again. Best wishes
Thanku so much for this article! I have struggled, and still am after a relationship finishedabout 3 years ago. I actually came close to a breakdown. Im stronger now, but still struggle with my mind replaying different scenarios on a daily basis….your article helped me to not feel odd, or weird…it happens to other people too! Thanku.
Thanks Lisa for your feedback. I’m so
glad it helped you feel at ease. Most of us are more normal than our minds lead us to believe. You will keep getting stronger and stronger over time. I highly recommend mindfulness practice to avoid spending too much time thinking about old memories. Best wishes
So glad to have read this article. I thought I was the only one and have spent years berating myself for these intermittent dreams and passing thoughts. So thank you for enlightening me! A weight has been lifted.
Hi Kara, thank you for your comment.I am glad the article gave you a new perspective and helped you feel better. Best wishes
Your ex will have an impact on you because of the story that is attached with them. Along with the story are some emotions that may be painful sometimes. In our effort to eradicate this pain, we usually resort to impulsive action. It is important to recognize the emotion, accept it and eventually transcend it.
Thanks for your comment. I agree stepping back and avoiding impulsive reactions is important if you are trying to disengage from an ex.
Worth reading… It somehow helped me to cope up with my broken heart… Thanks for this.
You are welcome. I’m happy it helped you find some peace. Best wishes
I keep repenting about a lost relationship, mainly because it was my mistake to not express it to her because of the fear of losing whatever relationship i had and never getting that feeling that she feels the same way about me. Now she is in another country and we barely talk.
I know that i have to move on, but the idea of completely letting her go away from my life and killing the hope that she might come back later is very frightening to me.
Yes Mugiwara, I think you know what you need to do. Many of us do best with companionship but that can only be with someone who is available to us. Best wishes
You have no clue how transformative this is. I’ve been trying to make sense of these thoughts and have worked myself into serious ruminating sessions on why the thoughts appear, what they mean, and how they should inform my life. It has made me so anxious. However, this changed everything! Thank you so so much. I no longer feel like I’m losing my mind or being haunted by a past relationship.
Thanks Renee for letting me know how helpful you found my article. It is very much appreciated
Wow, while reading your article, I felt like I am the one writing this article as the story goes the same with mine, but not with the 18 years though. hehehehe. Great one and very inspiring! The distance really helped me disengage, and it’s really very true not to connect when your emotions feels like wanting to message him. Gosh! this happens to me a lot, I did messaged him but now I am successful not to connect with him anymore. Coz the more I do, the more I get hurt. Thank you again for the reminder. God bless!
you are welcome. I’m glad you found it helpful
would you recommend contacting your past, not with the intention to rekindle a fragile broken relationship, that’s a waste of time, and not fore the infamous ‘closure’ but rather to clean the slate and say goodbye especially if no goodbyes were ever exchanged with various partners/acquaintances? one can only ignore the thoughts for so long before they become overwhelming, speaking of myself. Great article 🙂
thanks for your comment. Mostly I find if you hook back in it gives your mind more material to go over. Perhaps look at a way for saying goodbye symbolically without making contact with an ex to give yourself closure
I’m ecstatic I found this article!!!
I was in a relationship for a year. Loved her to death. She consistently accused me of betrayal based on insecurities she had. Finally came to a head and exploded after a final straw of an even more ridiculous accusation.
We had great times, best I ever had until that point.
I couldn’t deal any longer yet I was still crushed, broken. Searched for love for so long, thought I found it, and it got flushed down the drain for no reason.
This being said, I have since found the most terrific woman I’ve ever met. Incredible in every way. Truly the love of my life. It’s amazing how we learn as human beings. How we think we have reached the Mecca and yet we learn there is truly another level. Like we been preparing for it with the experience of disappointment and hurt.
Anyway I still think about my ex. I think about the mistakes I made, the behaviors I tolerated. I thought I was nuts until I read this.
I’m 57. Never too old to learn!!!
Beautifully written…Your words are very as I myself have gone through every part of it.Literally accepting reality and maintaining harmony can only help this.The part where you speak how our minds perceive is literally an eye opener.Thanks.
you are welcome. thanks for your comment
Thank you for this post..
As you mentioned, we all have those chapters that had to happen for a reason. It happened to me so many times, in such painful ways – in fact it never does stop! But some part of me is always proud of my mistakes. They keep me alive, they make me ‘me’; they shape us in a way; so we can survive not only to get over the pain, but also to gives us a hidden purpose.
I have almost the same experience- except I tend to focus and ruminate on the future, based on past experiences, often in the same relationship. I believe it is a way to try and protect the myself from potential pain, and inviting joy by trying to avoid ruining it in any way i can. Unfortunately, every so often if gets too much, i get so frustrated, break down, and end up “ruining” the time I do have with a person because I’m thinking about how I should act (to avoid pain/gain joy). I am good at riding the waves of the past, but if there is any advice on riding the waves of the future, specifically with romantic relationships, it would be much appreciated! Thanks for the blog post.
you are welcome
Hi
Can you answer my above query
I had gone through a short and painful divorce 15 years back. I had moved on , now being married for 12.5 yrs with one kid.My life is going well and partner is a very carrying person.Once in 3 to 4 years,when i am i stress either because of work or other reasons, my mind starts re collecting all the events related to to first marriage.I start living that experience and start feeling angry about my self.I do practice mindful breathing practice.It has helped.But any other techniques , that i can use ? please any advice
Please advice
I had gone through a short and painful divorce 15 years back. I had moved on , now being married for 12.5 yrs with one kid.My life is going well and partner is a very carrying person.Once in 3 to 4 years,when i am i stress either because of work or other reasons, my mind starts re collecting all the events related to to first marriage.I start living that experience and start feeling angry about my self.I do practice mindful breathing practice.It has helped.But any other techniques , that i can use ? please any advice
I was wondering about someone that the draft took us apart. We just ran into each other after 47 years. I felt the sparks down to my toes. He is in poor shape overweight and in a wheelchair but it doesn’t seem to bother me. He connected me after a few days and we have talk off and on. Not sure where this is going since he is several hundreds of miles away.
I am so glad I came across this article. Thank you. I wish I had focused sooner “…that in addition to love and attraction, you need to have have shared values.” Differences in values was the major reason that I had to let go of love even though part of me didn’t want to. And this especially resonated with me because, in addition to other people, he chose a dog over me. Of course, this was only one of many symptoms/factors, but saying this fact helps some to put things in perspective.
Great article. I agree with a lot of the comments that tie that relationship into who you were then and some connection with a more youthful self. I’m 43 and my ex bf broke up with me 10 years ago. He was the type of guy who was very charming and sexy in my eyes. I wanted to please him and did everything in my power to do so. He always made me feel like it was barely satisfactory despite my efforts. He made belittling comments to my child and made me feel so insecure in many ways. But I wanted him so badly that I tolerated his behavior. I made a fool of myself in my post break up psychosis/depression/ loathing. The aftermath is that when I think of him it brings up feelings of self hatred. I’m angry mostly with myself although I still mostly blame him. The worst part is that I was the most fit and beautiful that I have ever been around the time that we were together so it makes me that much more angry with myself that I allowed him to bring me down like that. I devalued myself, my child, my pride in motherhood (he made me feel like damaged goods because I had a child), and so on. It’s hard to forgive yourself and let it go. I imagine myself telling him off. But it’s pointless, I doubt he ever thinks of me or even cares. I appreciate your article and the comments that offer support to all of the people out there who are having similar struggles. It does get better with time but when it pays a visit it’s brutal. I can now try to remember that it’s just my mind doing what minds do.
I went to a psychiatrist for 8 sessions and I never felt she understood what I was saying. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it felt relatable and It felt good. I don’t know how to cope with whatever problem or phase I’m going through. Unable to put my emotions across. Family doesn’t understand my mental health neither does my current boyfriend. They think I’m purposely not going out, not looking for work, not talking to people and always tired. Always feeling disregarded etc. Pls help me whoever can.
If you have a current boyfriend, good for you! Your ex is not coming back.
I had an experience with a boyfriend who constantly spoke about his ex – she was married with kids and was not coming back.
When we split up I was so surprised and hurt. I could hardly believe what was happening. It took me a very long time to process the information. It took me a while to accept that he was not coming back. Even when I realized rationally that he was not coming back it was still difficult to pick myself up and dust myself off. The relationship ended very badly and I did not feel the sense of closure. I purposely avoided seeing him anywhere for years.
So I finally forced myself to go to a place I knew he would be. He was just as rude to me as he was the last time I saw him – many years before. Then, the spell was broken!
I still feel sad that I wasted so much time pining over that person. I am hopeful I will meet someone new.
If your new boyfriend is a decent guy – just live in the present. I feel I left a big piece behind with my ex. But guess what? Life goes on and one day it’s over.
I really understand how you feel. Why did this happen? What was I thinking? What was he thinking?
You may never get any particular answers to those questions – and maybe one day you will. Just know the guy is not coming back and you are really okay. Do not derail your relationship with your new boyfriend. Just keep going with your life. I went to only two therapists in my entire life who ever understood me. They are both now deceased.
I recently ran into an old girlfriend of mine who knows my ex. I knew her ex also. We had a very meaningful conversation. She confided in me some very secret information about her ex that I never knew. And then she said “you know, those people are just really not very nice”. She was with her ex for around 7 years and I was sure they would marry. She put her heart and soul into that relationship, just as I had put my heart and soul into my previous relationship.She is now married to a completely different man.
I was completely fine before I met my ex. Then I wasn’t. So perhaps that person mislead you in some way to put a dent in your self confidence. It happens to a lot of people. You’ll be okay and just try to stay focused on the positive things going on in your life now.
That person did not reciprocate your altruistic feelings. You sound like an honest person.
Turn the page and live your life.
And thank you for sharing your feelings. I felt the same way too – for a long time.
I hope this is helpful for you!!
7 months into a breakup of a 15 year marriage, I still feel shattered and broken! Although I don’t sob my heart out on a daily basis which is what I did the first few months I still find myself having crying spells quite often. Although we have a son together who is 14 we have gone no contact (mainly his choice)! I was the one that pulled the pin and although it seemed like the obvious choice at the time I do sometimes wonder what would have happened if that day I had made a different choice! It is truly shattering to let go of someone you Love even more shattering when you feel they don’t love you (or not really anyway) My partner has moved on with another woman and did so pretty early in the pace. That was the hardest thing to deal with, in fact it still is. I often feel lost and find it hard to feel truly joyful in my heart, there is always this ‘thing’ in the backdrop lurking and hovering over everything I do. Yes I am trying, yes I have done an incredible amount of self healing, yes I have processed, looked within, mediated, breathed and contemplated. It may well be that things get better in time, it may well be one finds other people to spend time with or have another relationship, for me at 54 it’s not even about dating again, or finding ‘love’ I have got so many t-shirts out of all the experiences I’ve had I can safely say it all makes you wiser for sure especially if you truly have the heart and soul to grow and learn. But let me say that no matter who or what one ends up doing nothing can or will ever ‘replace’ that ‘one’ individual who will always hold a special place for that is and will be exclusive to that ONE individual. Regardless of whether it ended badly the truth is there must have been a reason that got you together and that reason is usually LOVE. This is actually what I believe we mourn, the lost LOVE we once were perfectly capable of experiencing with that one special person. And that cannot be replaced by someone else. You may have another experience, other people but it will not be the same experience! And the depth or intensity that you experienced with that one person will I believe determine the depth in which you will mourn the loss. I have no doubt life goes on and we have to manage, but I have a feeling that these things particularly if they are deep stay with us forever. I always dreamt of growing old with someone in a way that it becomes more beautiful, stronger were two individuals truly cherish one another even more so for the effort and time spent together. Now I am not so sure that will happen for me! Flying solo and that is the way I prefer it for now.
Thank you so much for this! I feel so understood. Now I know I’m not alone in my thoughts and feelings. All along I was just being human 🙂
Wow ..so much great advice on this page ..so glad I found it. Recently I started thinking about a relationship from 30 years ago. I’ve recently finished treatment for breast cancer and, as one poster put it ..maybe my thoughts are from wanting the simple life I had back then when I was younger and healthy. My ex dropped me for another girl 10 years younger than me, but kept coming back to tell me he didn’t really want this girl but he couldn’t come back for one reason or another …the usual reason ..’If I come back you’ll take revenge and drop me’ .. he carried that on until he married the girl. Honestly ..I listened to that stuff and it broke my heart ..laughable now.
I never related why I was dredging up this old rubbish until I read this article and some of the comments here, which were so helpful. With me I know now from reading this that it’s the trauma of my diagnosis and treatment that brought this back .. I wish I could go back armed with the knowledge that my soul mate was still out there waiting for me ..if I’d had that knowledge back then I would have handled it with a lot more class and maybe wouldn’t have so many regrets. As another poster pointed out ..he’s been someone else’s problem for the last 30 years ..my god I was so lucky and I’m so glad I stayed vulnerable enough to meet my life partner. Hopefully now I can stop analysing the past.
A girl i liked in high school and i recently reconnected and it felt exciting at first, then she started pulling away. i kept wondering what i was doing wrong and it made me analyze everything id do or say afraid that id push her away… after a month or so of giving her space i ran into her and we started hanging out again. she even suggested several times that we should go somewhere together for a weekend away. a few days later she told me her heart wasnt in it and ive been thinking about it over and over and over. She did the same thing in high school, got excited we went out and she called me later that night saying she needed to hit the brakes. It tore me up back then too. been on my min d for some months now.
Thank heavens I found your essay because I’ve easily thought of one relationship for 30 years. Yes, that’s 3 with a zero. I even tried closure with that particular relationship some 24 years ago and its just never faded. I have been able to move beyond in some ways, but there are days I am sad and regret…what? I just don’t know, and yet yesterday I felt that I was sure he gave the best hugs! Well, at least after all these years I found out what I’d been missing. And sense of humor, talk about buoyancy. Most of the guys I’ve been with since including two marriages there was humor, but without the lightness. Sometimes a loss of a friend cuts deeper than the relationship 💔 😔 itself. I’ve learned to honor it. I used to try to find “meaning ” behind it and then realized that the meaning was that it happened, its over and there are days that grief surrounds it and I DO want to cut it out of my memories. But they’re just memories. All I can do is savor the good parts and try to forget the rest.
I thought I was only one in this world that would think about their ex almost 30 years plus ago. Also I think it is stupid sometimes to be in love with the past.
I was in a relationship whereby my partner was three years older to me.
We were good one day and the next thing I know she does not want to talk to me and she got up and left.
There is not a day that does not go by where I just want to reach out and have a final talk with her.
I talk to her brother once in awhile and it seems she is happy with her husband and four kids.
I too am married and have kids of my own
Just feel that need the closure
The relationship was when I was 19 and she 22.
still miss her very much just need the closure and not sure how to get it.
Any suggestions on how to get this sorted out.
Just gotta take it, man. Women are evil and men are gods.
I broke up with my ex 5yrs ago in January. Unlike all my other relationships, because the reasons were mainly situational (my inability to find suitable work) the relationship has always been shrouded by a huge WHAT IF? As when we broke up we didn’t hate each other as such, it just wasn’t feasible and it was causing us both distress as ultimately she wanted to settle and have kids and I wasn’t in a position to offer this. Of course there were bad things that happened and things were said, and maybe I’m making rose tinted excuses, but I felt a lot of it could be put down to the situation. What irked me most was that in the final months she’d said a few derogatory comments about me as a person and my lifestyle, that gave me the impression that she’d only be happy settling with a T-total brain surgeon (whom I’d be happy for her to have met), yet with a bit of mild Facebook stalking seemed she ended up dating a guy with similar traits to myself (that she supposedly detested in me). Last I heard they have a kid together, maybe more, but I can’t bring myself to check/care as it will only cause me more heartache than I’m already struggling with on a regular basis. We actually stayed in contact for about 18 months later, the last text I received from her said something ‘major’ had happened. Rather than tell me what it was I think she said that because maybe she knew I still cared about her or how much it would hurt to know. I’d like to think she’s just been in my thoughts recently because I’ve had a lot subsequent trauma and haven’t had someone even vaguely significant in my life for support. it’s just not a nice place to be mentally. And it’s frustrating that if anything I’m now much more of the man she expected because of these events than the man I was at the time, with all the stress of the situation. I was recently looking at old photos of us and she just doesn’t look very happy in many of them (something I didn’t notice at the time), I just wish I could have done more and feel it will haunt me for a very long time to come.
I am glad to know I am not the only one with this issue. I still think of the first guy that ask me to go steady with him. We were both 15 and he was the only other guy I ever shared my heart felt feelings with except for my husband. I got curious about what had happened to him this year and learned he was no longer alive. I could not let it go and started searching to find out how and when he died. What I learned hit me very hard and now he haunts my mind almost daily. It turns out that his life turned dark and he became addicted to drugs. A relative that still lives in the town he is from told me he turned back into a child in his mind. I read in an archived new article that he was reported missing on day and that he had jumped off a bridge into the Allegheny River and his body was pulled from the river by two divers and pronounced dead at the scene. This kills my heart to know this, and that he took his life at 28 years old. He was a difficult kind of guy even as a teenager but I was crazy about him. I don’t think of him as the guy I wanted to be with but I wish he where alive and that he had married and had children and a good life. He had three brother and they all died violently or tragically when they where young. That makes also me sad to know he had to endure the deaths of his brothers before he took his life.
Hi….I’
I had suppressed feelings for my ex girlfriend over 25 years ago. Some how the feelings have recently resurfaced in my brain, as if the breakup just happened. This started Three weeks ago and will not leave my thoughts. I am considering consulting at therapist.
The issue is, I am constantly writing a letter, in my head, over and over, about a huge misunderstanding? Or was it? Its almost like i am morning the death of a spouse. The pain and loss just keep re surfacing.
At present I am married to someone else, I do not know or understand why these strong feelings have surfaced. I would think my marriage would help me forget the past but it does not. although I'm not distant or any different then normal with my wife.
I was in a beautiful relationship over 25 years ago. It began when the sister of a long term close friend and latter roommate called me and asked me for a date. This is years after my friend and I had parted ways. I had never thought of her romantically before, she was my friend's Sister. We went out on the first date and hit it off, well. I was very fussy about who I would date to begin with, I would not just date anyone but I gave her a chance, I did not feel she was my type, but she was. The next morning I woke up with feeling of, wow, I just spent time with someone I really liked. As time went on, we spent a-lot of time together. Until one day she started talking about suicide. That didn't sit well with me, I broke it off with her. About a week latter I found myself missing her. So, I called her…She came back and we resumed our relationship. She never spoke of suicide again. For the next several months we spent a-lot of time together. She was basically living with me, spending night after night with me. I started developing strong feelings for her but, I tried to keep them under wraps. This just meant I did not express them. She on the other hand, would tell me very often how happy she was with me. she would also constancy tell me she had deep feelings for me. She tried very hard to satisfy me. She tried very hard at our relationship.
This is where I think I went wrong, maybe… I brought up in conversation about a bad experience with another women. I did not know what a narcissists was. The women would constantly push me away, she would stop talking to me, then pull me back, over and over again. I had never experienced this type of relationship before. All I was trying to do, was explain what had happened to me in the recent past, actually days before our first date. I had no intension of leaving her, or cheating. Nether the less this bothered her. After that I had to constantly reassure her I was not leaving her for someone else.
Weeks went by, she began to ask if we could just be engaged. I never answered her, but i did entertained the thought, I did not let her know that. She then started to ask if we could be engaged almost daily. I was really falling deep for this girl at this point.
My lease for my apartment, was expiring. So, we decided to find a apartment to share together. She had two cats, one just recently acquired at that time. I was fine with that. Only to find out that the apartment we selected did not allow any pets. At first I was thinking, Maybe we could just hide them. Then latter I found out Maintenance comes into the apartment twice a month to check things out.
I had every intension of telling her about this, and letting her know we would need to look for another apartment….But!
Now 6 months had gone by. I thought I was in the best relationship ever.
At this point we had the plans for the new apartment, I needed to talk about this but had not been able to discuss this yet. I was doing double shifts at work that week. My regular shift at the time, was nights. I would normally get out of work around 1:30 am getting home just before 2am. The first night I came home, she was asleep in my bedroom. I needed to unwind, so I popped on the TV in the living room, for what I thought would be for five minutes, but I fell asleep and slept there the entire night.
I say this because I think she thought I was avoiding her. We did not see each other the following morning.
The following day, the same, I pulled a double shift and came home exhausted.
Only, she was waiting for me at 2am…
She starts out explaining the cat she just acquired died.. so I reached out an tried to give her a hug. She pushes me away, Then yells… get your filthy hand off of me!
My heart drooped. She then states… You don't want to live with me do you! At that point was confused? I tried to explain that the apartment we selected will not work, …. at the same time she would not listen to me at all. Now at this point, I was really looking forward to moving in with her. But yet she kept saying you don't want to live with me do you? I was baffled, she just would not listen to me. Understand, I am extremely exhausted a this point, I'm like way over tired, but I'm trying to get the words out. She then states, you didn't tell your parents we are going to live together did you? I'm like no, (I'm think at this point, you don't formally tell your parents it's something you; just do.) Besides that I had not seen or spoken to my parents in some time.
Next She tells me… she is has hooked up with her ex fiancé, from at least 10 years ago, at his fathers funeral, and now they are getting married.
This blew me away, wow… I was so into her at this point.
She had some of her things in my apartment, and began packing them up. I tried to get her to stop and talk to me but she wouldn't. I kept asking her stop, and I don't want to break up. She kept overtalking me and kept saying, I'm listening, I'm listening. Then said what's the point, what's the point. I gave up, and let her go.
Being so tired, I went to bed and fell a sleep in seconds.
I did not speak to her for a few days. A few days latter, this is where it gets fuzzy. I don't remember if she called me or I called her. I was at her apartment, she then states someone sent her flowers, she thought I did but found out I didn't. I didn't realize I would get another chance if I sent her flowers??? I figured she had left me for someone else at this point and it was done! This confused the hell out of me. Why would I send flowers to someone who dumped me for someone else?
After that, we spoke a few times on the phone but not about our relationship. I didn't want to push a this point. I was just hoping she would come to her senses and come back to me..
Weeks latter I was at her mothers? I believed she asked me there, so she could give me a hair cut, in which she charged me for it. She previously cut my hair for free. I just thought it was odd she would have me over to cut my hair then charge me, Never the less I paid her. Latter she walked me out to my car. For the first time I told her I loved her. It did not come out right…Oh boy, that may have been a big mistake, I don't know.
We would be in touch from time to time for a while after that. I even went on a a day trip with her and her family. We never talked about our relationship except I blurted out I love you one more time. (another blunder) I still wanted her back.
Then she was gone, she had moved south with her ex fiancé. I even got a threatening phone call from one of her friends not to call her or page her anymore. I had paged her weeks before but never received a response.
A few months latter she calls me. She left Brian! the once ex fiancée I spoke to her for a while, Then wondered why she was calling me??? I then stated that i was not pleased that someone had threatened me? and I didn't want her back! Only I did. I asked if she was moving back to where I was, and she said no. That was the last time we had spoken. My guess is she wanted to hear a friendly voice because she was down. I didn't realize it at the time. I think i made a mistake about telling her I didn't want her back. I think it closed a door. I wish I hadn't done that.
This all left me baffled even to this day! I had developed deep feelings for this girl.
Now I feel the need to explain how I feel, or felt and about the misunderstandings. I go over this over and over again in my head. I can't get it to stop.
I feel like I want to contact her, but I can't. I just want proper closure but the closure had never happened. All my other relationships had closure except for this one.
I did some research since I started thinking about her in the las three weeks. She has been Married 3 times since she left me. This alone should should tell me something but yet the thoughts continue.
This was worth reading. Thank you. “It is normal to want to be loved, it is part of your story”.
Indeed
So glad to see I’m not the only one! A great love and I broke up almost 6 YEARS AGO, and he started creeping back into my thoughts lately, which are triggering strong feelings of sadness. It makes 0 sense as I am happily married, and the recurrence came out of nowhere. I am trying to figure out how this all came about, so I revisited old emails with him. They made me smile, but I have 0 zero desire to contact him. And I learned that the trigger was going on a trip where the ex and I had a lot of memories from. I think this is all a normal part of life for anyone fortunate enough that has experienced this kind of love. You can’t erase someone that was at one time in your life, a big – if not the biggest – part of you.
Very helpful article. I needed this!
you spent 18 years…I’m working on 20 and it’s destroying me. This article gives me hope.
45 and counting
lost what i believed was my forever girl in 1974 her father banned her from seeing me i was 19 she 16
took a couple of years to get me back on track
i was fortunate found another soul mate and been married 42 yrs
still had memories and questions and dreams but was able to compartmentalise
2018 she messaged me about my sister who she went to school with and it brought it all flooding back have been suffering with depression for years and this was just about the last straw I wrote her a letter but never sent it no photos which i do regret just a picture in my head
after the best part of 3 years searching found a picture of her
was on her wedding day and i was glad she looked beautifull and happy just as i memorised her The date
27 01 1979
i also got married
27 01 1979
Me too. This pandemic brought a lot of it back to the forefront. I didn’t think I had company in still thinking about something from the 90s. The best times of my life were the 90s and I loved that man so much, but he would have lost out on so much had he stayed with me…no children, constantly sick, almost dying a couple of times. He settled down after we were apart for 10 years and now has 2 children. I wish I could bury those thoughts, but then again, they are such wonderful memories. Hang in there, everyone. You’re ok just the way you are.
This is one of the best article I read on the internet today. Thank you so much for writing tgis. Really required it.
This was a very compassionate and helpful article. I especially liked the ‘I need to spend more time with my dog’ story. Thank you.
My now ex said he is going to be busy for the next “60-70 years”. I am not kidding.
I thought I was over it. The relationship ended some 15 years ago. It was hard to let go. I buried all memories of him away by, literally, hiding all pics and anything that could remind of him, including movies and songs we listened to. One of the reasons I have been able to move on is a strict no contact approach, including obliterating from sight, and thus mind, all things that could remind me of him, be it places, songs, movies or just things – it’s like you are navigating emotional landmines. After years passed I was confident I was over it. Then I watched an old movie that is very triggering and it all came crashing down on me again. It felt like we had broken up yesterday and as if the past 15 years didnt happen. The man is long gone and married now with kids! When I found out about that, it put me in this tailspin. His wife looks like me too which makes this all the more confusing. Like, does he have a type? But she is not a type, neither am I. She just happens to look like me a lot. For a second it felt like it was my own image I was seeing up there. Did he love me but couldnt be with me due to our cultural differences? But then why was he so horrible to me?
The most painful part is seeing someone else have the life you had wanted to have and be with the person you loved so dearly. It is unreal. It feels like one of those parallel universe moments where you see how a different decision could have resulted in a new branch in the timeline, creating this entirely other reality. One where he and I did work out and those kids are our babies.
But we didnt and now this woman is married to him in my stead and has the kids I wanted or should have had. I hate this feeling. It makes zero sense. I guess I need to keep, maybe for the rest of my life, avoiding any and all known triggers because that is how I can function. I must adhere to a strict ‘I cannot know about your existence” rule. It took me a long time to get over him to begin with and I dont want to go through that again. I hope to be out of this funk soon, It is truly soul crushing to see the life you had imagined for yourself with someone you love unfold right in front of you with someone else living it.
Things happen for a reason. It is possible that something else is missing in your life today, this man represent this gap. What do you need in your life today to feel complete, figure that out and focus on that .
I get this 100% I am so sorry. living like this is hell.
This is an old post but damn…this got me too. I know exactly how it feels. Hope you’re in a better place now.
Mine is different. There’s a guy I graduated with over 20 years ago and we were friends. About 5 years later I ran into him at a store he worked at and I was pregnant. He told me that he had a crush on me in high school and was too shy to ask me out part of it was because who my friends were. The conversation of that time has recently been bugging me. I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about him and that day.
Hi everyone I’m currently going through a breakup from a 4 year relationship. I’m now 39 & this girl is 27. I’ve been through many relationships, I was even married in my early 20’s which was a bad idea. Anyway, out of all the girls I felt this one loved me the most & had the best personality. I never really had space in the relationship & we did fight a lot at times. So when I look at the bad rather than the good it helps me move on. Towards the end of our relationship I pushed her away so much I still cant figure out why, I think I just needed space. She kept coming back & I kept pushing away. Now I regret my actions. I keep asking myself why I acted that way. I tried reaching out to her recently and she came over to tell me everything I didnt want to hear. There are days I feel perfectly fine hoping for a better future but its these memories that keep me down. They’re good memories, it’s just that I cant be with her again. It’s like living in the past, or watching the same movie over and over again. It’s more like self torture.
Thank you. I needed to read this, the thoughts have been overwhelming me with confusion. I find myself knowing and convincing that it does not mean i want to be with them. I know this to be true, so the dreams felt intrusive. This was so helpful!
The dreams for me feel like I’m not ready because I still have feelings if I cry about pictures of him because yesterday I had a dream about him and I cryed but it was for 2 years 2 years ago and 5 months but he hurt me I just think that I should back with him but then I have second thoughts but when I think about him I catch myself listing to love songs crying and eating snacks but the steps have worked so far but I’m not finished
I broke up with a lover who expected us to remain a couple while he dated others. Such a paradox of not wanting to commit, but wanting me to be accessible. I have carried guilt over breaking up with him, probably because he couldn’t accept it gracefully. He made a snarky remark about his wife not having to work when I saw him years ago and I’ve heard other negative things through people. It still hurts because he was a dear friend at one time and an important influence. I feel we lacked closure.
Lack of closure is painful , meeting later can be very unsatisfactory as life success comparisons are made . Write and letter or closure ….don’t sent it but keep it as a memory of what you once had , and draw a line .