“Even if it seems like it’s taking too long for what we want to arrive, it’s better to stay with the ache than abandon the desire.” ~Danielle Laporte
Last week when I was in the front row of a yoga class, I moved my hips up and back into downward dog, and through my legs saw the top of my ex-boyfriend’s head. I hadn’t seen him in months, and I wasn’t really interested in having small talk with the man who’d crushed my heart.
He approached me, eyes shining, happy to see me. I, on the other hand, drove home, walked into my apartment, and sat on the bed for a good cry.
I cried because when I saw him, all of the love came rushing back in and because he didn’t seem to have a clue how much he’d hurt me. So I found myself considering reaching out again.
Should I write him an email so he knows how much he’s hurt me? Should I get coffee with him and fill him in on everything he seems to not understand?
My mind was moving into “fix it” mode, my habitual state. It’s a controlling tendency, something that has kept me in back-and-forth relationships for most of my life.
You see, I have had many opportunities to learn the lesson of letting go throughout my life. People I loved have died, friends have vanished, and men have come and gone. Every single time I have had the opportunity to let go, I have fought it.
We fight letting go because we’re afraid. We’re afraid of what’s on the other side.
First we’re afraid of the pain we’re going to have to face when we let go, and then we’re afraid that things won’t be okay. We’ll never find love again. No one will ever be as good. The pain will never stop. we’re unlovable.
When I was going through the devastating first weeks of my breakup, I kept getting the same message over and over again: You are being cleared out for something amazing to come in. Deep inside me, buried quietly under the overwhelming heartache, was my soul nodding yes.
I have actively faced my pain over and over again these past few months.
I know that to heal we have to be with our feelings so we can release them. I cried more than I ever have in my life. I went deeper into my darkness than ever before. I saw the unworthiness I felt and all the fears. I was braver than I’ve ever been.
Because of that bravery, I’m connected to my soul in a completely new way. Instead of just hearing it, I am fully abiding by it.
My soul is telling me clearly that it’s time for me to get what I deserve in life, and the only thing that has been holding me back is myself.
I have been making choices that aren’t serving my highest self. I have dated men who were not capable of holding space for a strong, passionate, big-hearted woman. It has felt easier to fall in love and to keep giving chances than it has been to say no and hold out for a partner who is right for me.
I desire a relationship with a man who I can deeply connect with. Who gets me. Who can open his heart as big as I can open mine. Who won’t run away because he’s afraid. Who can hold space for me to live in my power just as I will hold space for him.
I desire an incredible partnership that is mutual and trusting and loving and joyful and honest.
And I deserve it. I am finally waking up to the fact that I deserve that kind of love.
I am finally waking up to the fact that if I want to have that kind of love, then I need to do things differently. I have to listen to my soul and choose to give myself what I deserve. I have to allow that man into my life.
So the aching, it’s worth it. It’s worth it for a little bit longer while the right person finds his way to me. It’s worth it so I can learn more about myself.
There are times when it’s your turn to take responsibility, to be the one to reach out and make amends. But if you’re on the Can’t Let Go Bandwagon like me, you probably need to delete that email, put the phone down, and bring the focus back to you.
When we find ourselves reaching out for someone else, it’s usually a sign that we need to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves what it is we deserve. Then we have to let go of the need to ask someone else to give that to us and give it to ourselves instead. That’s self-love. That’s self-respect.
We stay in unhealthy relationships because we don’t feel like we deserve anything more. We refuse to let go of exes because we don’t trust that someone better suited for us will come along. We reach outside of ourselves to feel better because we’re terrified of facing the pain.
The truth is that you can actually have what you truly desire. You can have the great love and whatever else your soul is yearning for. It just might show up in a different package than your mind is willing to accept right now.
When we have deep faith that everything is exactly as it needs to be, that the universe is supporting us, and that good things are coming, then we’re capable of letting go. We trust that it’s all going to work out.
If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments, choose to pause and breathe. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Feel the pain you’re running from. Cry if you need to.
Embrace the pain and the fear and the hurt and love yourself through it all. That is your job, no one else’s.
Do this over and over again until you find yourself more and more free. Trust that everything is exactly as it needs to be. Be patient. Stay with the ache a little bit longer. Something big is coming your way.
About Michelle D'Avella
Michelle D’Avella is an author, Breathwork teacher and mentor. Her memoir, The Bright Side of a Broken Heart is available here. Download her FREE guide to heal your heart and follow her on Instagram for daily doses of inspiration.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Oh wow, I LOVE this. So beautifully written and so utterly true. This is something I’m also learning to do now – to give myself the love and respect I deserve instead of reaching out in order to fill that void or avoid pain. It’s a beautiful journey and I know in turn it will enable me to attract the love I deserve and want. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you, Michelle – this article came at the perfect time for me. May we both find the love we desire and hold out, let go and love ourselves until it arrives! <3
Thank you! We will. 🙂
Thank you, Andrea. So glad it resonated with you. Be patient with yourself as you learn and grow. <3
Wonderful post!!! thank you for sharing your insight, great points and reminder! I really liked this…”If you want something greater for your life, pay attention to where you’re reaching outside of yourself. In those moments choose to pause and breathe.” Great advice!!
Thank you! Keep the tool in mind, it’s super useful. 🙂
Thank you for this post, it could have been written for me. I left an unhealthy relationship almost 6 months to the day and still every day I think about my ex and still think to contact him. We did communicate up until 1 month ago now all communication has stopped. I still cry most days but slowly I am getting stronger. I think it is being on my own rather than with him that is making me low but at least now I know I will get through this.
Thank you for sharing this, Yvonne. Look within yourself to give yourself love each time you want to think of him or reach out to him. I have a lot of resources on breakups here and over on my site as well. Sending lots of love to you on your healing journey.
When someone, we liked very much, leave us suddenly, we are heart broken. It aches, it pains; we try to let go and do not succeed. We live with the ache, the pain, and tears roll down the cheek. We long for the love we seem to have lost. It is life; and life must go on.
Dear Michelle,
Thank you so much for writing such a beautiful article. It feels like its written for me.
Brav3
Hi Michelle,
Just read your article and was blown away by how much it resonates with my current position. I find myself at a crossroads, living in the past with all the happy memories we shared and worried about a future that is unwritten and without her. I’ve decided to live in the present and believe that people come into your life as lessons and blessings and to once again breathe.
Jonny
Thank you SO much for taking the time and energy to write this. You have NO idea how much I need this. Thanks for embracing reality and not being completely Pollyanna about this matter. Your honesty is so refreshing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Letting go is not always a good chocie in relationship, it depends on the situation and the people in the relationship. I think letting go of someone is the form of ego of the anger and the pain you feel inside. People made mistake, learn how to forgive and throw away your ego then see how it goes. True love isn’t easy, you need to fight for it. That’s why it’s rare because most of them are easy to give up.
You are so welcome! <3
Thank you. I’m so glad it’s touched you.
Beautiful! Keep working on it. The mind is powerful, but living in the present is where everything unfolds.
True that. 🙂
Not always no, but I’m not really speak about that in this article (I do in some of my others here on Tiny Buddha, though). What I am speaking about here is when you know deep down within yourself that you deserve more and you’re still holding on. Often times the ego is what keeps us stuck in the past, torturing ourselves to make something work with someone who is no longer right for us or holding out hope that things will change. It’s easy to deceive ourselves into believing we need to hang in there and dissolve our egos to make it work.
Wonderful message! I thought about those who I still have a hard time letting go of- I hadn’t thought about how much control they still have on how I feel. Your words were very encouraging for me to finally embrace my present and future without them!
I know, I just wanted to know your thoughts about that. Sometimes we don’t realise that we are the one who need to be better and yet we still think that we deserve more in relationship.
So glad to hear!
When we’re willing to face the truth about ourselves we know the answers. I am all about healthy, mature relationships where you discuss your own growth individually and as a couple. That’s a whole other topic, but I advocate that for sure. Many people run away from relationships because they are avoiding facing themselves. But that is their choice. They have to be ready to face themselves. It’s not something that you can force upon someone else.
Thank you for your reply. As letting go is a slow practice that requires time and effort, if you could tell me from your daily practice, what do you do everyday to remind yourself that you deserve better and its time to let go again and again. I will appreciate any suggestions.
Sure thing. I practice (and teach) Breathwork which is one of the most powerful tools I know for letting go. You can learn more about it on my website. I also set intentions for myself daily and use The Desire Map as a tool as well (more info on that if you email me). I work on staying grounded by being in nature daily if I can as well and am always moving my body through yoga or dance. You can learn more about me and my practices over on my site. 🙂
Reading and writing have saved my sanity many times! So thank you for this space to share our emotions and find comfort with others as well.
Reading your wonderful words of inspiration have full my heart with trust that what I’m feeling now will pass soon. I for the first time gave myself permission to live the moment and not to worry about the future., But I ignored the big red sings when it was time to question if I was trying to live a love story that only existed in my mind. I was living a movie of my love life and he and I were making my fantasies come to life. My movie ended! Now I feel sad because it’s over, but mad because I knew it was coming and I didn’t prepare myself to deal with this better.
I knew there was a disconnection since the beginning of our relationship, but I decided to focus on his good things and ignore the rest. He would send me mix messages that were confusing to me and be able to read what was going on. He was not very expressive with me, but would always make arrangements for our dates. Now I recognize that I was idealizing him, that he was not so wonderful but only human. I can’t blame him for not feeling how I felt for him but I keep asking myself of the reasons of why he did not have feelings for me. I hurts to know that I was giving myself completely and he was not able to reciprocate them to me.
I feel sooo identified by this, by every word. It’s as if I wrote it myself. I’ve been trying to do this the past years, knowing that this is precisely the right way. To put yourself first, to not let yourself be put down by someone. To not accept anyone who doesn’t love you. And it is, indeed, so hard. I also did this recently, I was broken hearted and then chose to feel the sadness, chose to trust that if I felt it at the time (super painful) it would work as a healer. And I did get better, I did make the right choice by leaving one that didn’t love me.
And yeah, it is super hard. Soo much.
So, thank you so much for writing this! Thank you thank you thank you! <3<3<3<333
You are so welcome. 🙂 Glad it touched you. It all gets so much better as you continue to make the choice to honor and love yourself. <3
Instead of being mad at yourself try to release judgement and see what you can learn from the experience. It sounds like you didn’t trust yourself so now you have an opportunity to do that.
I have a problem of low self esteem due to my circumstances that cause in my life like non marraiage problem and there is nobody whom I can seek support cause nobody try to see ur problem with ur view
This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I’m working sooo hard at this it makes wanna look at you and say “This better f**king work”
Wow. This is my life over the past 2 years. And just over Christmas and the week following I let it all go. You have articulated exactly how I have felt and how I feel now. It’s all about avoiding the pain, but that pain is where the good stuff is. Thank you for writing such a beautiful article. May 2017 bring us all more love from deep within us.
Thanks so much, Diana. 2017 is so ready for us to show up for ourselves in big ways. Glad you’re on board. <3
haha I hear you. This is hard work, often the hardest work of our lives. Keep at it, though. The pay off is big.
Hi Anil. There is always someone you can find online who can support you. That’s the beauty of communities like this one.
Hi Michelle.
This is very powerful. I struggle with self-forgiveness after the demise of a relationship. It is very hard for me to forgive myself after what I feel was my fault for the breakup. But your thoughts on the fear of the unknown really resonate with me.
We cannot escape the pain and suffering that is meant for us. I tried to run from it for a year and it mutated into something much more sinister. It’s best to accept what’s in our path and move forward, however slowly that may be.
Thank you for your great work! You’ve helped me a lot
You’re welcome. 🙂 There is always so much for us to learn about ourselves through relationships and that includes breakups. Learning to forgive is one of the most powerful things we can do but it’s really something that has to unfold on its own. Be gentle with yourself. Trust that this happened for you.
HI Michelle
I don’t regularly do this. If ever. I have felt heartbroken for a long time for reasons I think are quite deep and involved. Sometimes I have bored myself by my inability to step into my pain with kindness and let it be. Its been gut wrenching at times and lots of little steps forward and several back. I found your article very moving. I am not particularly young (44) and sometimes that actually can make heartbreak more challenging. Thank you for your post which I found moving and inspiring. I am endeavouring to be kind to myself and allow whatever to be to be. It is good to have online connections so thank you. Your post was very moving
Thankyou for this post. Just what I needed to read xx
This post was just awesome!I agree with everything that was written
I’m learning to do this after a few dozen betrayals by one uncommitted guy in any way he could belittle invalidate or hurt me, he would. I deserve way more