“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
I’ve called it my “Epiphany Bubble,” and it might be hard to believe, but it’s my true experience.
I stood on the lawn of our city’s hospital. The sun was shining down on our group of grieving parents. My belly was big with my third child, but my heart was still heavy with grief from my second.
Jonathan. I’ve never personally known anyone whose entire life was surrounded by compassion and love, like every minute of his twelve-and-a-half hours in my arms.
Although the summer of 2000 was a long, painful journey through terminal pregnancy, Jonathan had blessed my life in countless ways. I just hadn’t yet understood that.
Our hospital had this gathering a couple times a year. Parents who grieved babies would come, enjoy some cookies and punch, and chat with other moms and dads who were coping with loss.
At the end, we always did the same thing—write our baby’s name along with dates of birth and death on a white balloon.
As I wrote “Jonathan 9-21-2000 – 9-22-2000” on my balloon, I smiled a little just at the joy of writing his name. I gave my belly a gentle touch and said a little prayer for my next little boy.
Then I looked to my left. There were three women standing together, quite distraught in tears, comforting one another. I, of course, knew why they were crying, but I was curious.
I was curious about the dates. When I looked at their balloons, I saw dates reflecting years prior. Six, seven, eight years earlier. My heart sank. I wondered, “Do I have to be in that much pain years from now? Does this heartbreak never end?”
And that’s when it happened—my epiphany bubble. I suddenly felt as though I was in my own space, and that the world had ceased to spin. Everything outside of my bubble was blurry, and everyone seemed frozen, when I realized…
I stood for a few moments more, and the bubble vanished. But its effect on me did not. Something now stirred within me—a determination to really heal, let go, and be genuinely happy again.
At home I began to wonder about choosing how to feel about life and how to perceive all that I experience on my journey. I started to seek within.
Through journaling, praying, and meditating, I felt a shift. I sensed guidance. I glimpsed a bit of inner peace.
Some of my wonderings were a bit surprising, but I gave space to let them unfold. Rather than judge, I allowed them to come to me without logic. I also resisted the teachings from my childhood, which would have stopped them from showing me a new way to perceive Jonathan’s life.
I wondered, maybe Jonathan is a guardian angel. Perhaps he will protect and look after his big sister, Sydra, and his little brother who has yet to take his first breath.
I smiled a bit at imagining my sweet Jonathan, from some other place of being, guiding and loving his siblings.
I wondered, perhaps Jonathan was meant to leave this life at a very young age, and perhaps this could have happened in a variety of ways.
Would I choose for his life to be very short, spent in my arms, and surrounded by love and compassion? Or, would I choose to have more time with him, but risk something worse—have him be a child who I’ve heard horrifying stories about, children who are abducted and hurt?
I felt a bit of trust at realizing that I don’t know how it all works. Life, death, and all the days between and following are a mystery, really. Maybe his life was exactly how it was meant to be, or perhaps it might have been more tragic.
I wondered, could it be that Jonathan was my son for this short time to teach me?
I reflected on the months we spent together—when I learned he was terminal, my decision to carry him, the long nights, the quiet moments, the countless tears and prayers, the painful delivery, and the hours I had him in my arms looking into his beautiful eyes three times.
I relaxed a bit realizing all I had learned. I was a strong woman, someone who was willing to give all I had to another, a woman who remained hopeful and optimistic amidst a very difficult time. I was a woman who sent prayers and love to other pregnant women, asking that they not suffer as I was.
I wondered, could Jonathan’s life have served purpose beyond me, our family, and my understanding?
I thought about all the people who had surrounded Jonathan with love and compassion before and during his life. I recalled the many people who came to his memorial service, each saying how deeply he had touched their heart.
My trust deepened. I knew Jonathan’s life, however brief, served purpose. He was a blessing, a sweet, little blessing, to many people, and I was the lucky woman who was honored to be his mom.
Grief is nothing to be rushed. Throughout this time, I was gentle and patient with myself, honoring all my emotions, not pushing through them or stuffing them in the secret places of my heart. By doing so, I was better able to deeply heal.
Grief is also nothing to cling to simply because it’s familiar. Although the journey had many twists and turns, and I needed to allow it to show its way, it is worth the inner work to let go and find peace.
It is not just grief where we have choice. With all our life experiences—every emotion from anger to joy, from love to fear—we can choose.
Allowing our heart and mind to wonder, taking time to feel it all without judgment, and seeking within for the path of letting go, this is the way to embrace all of life and peacefully enjoy the now.
Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock
About Shannon Elhart
Shannon Elhart is a life coach, author, and speaker who teaches mindfulness. She has a M.A. in counseling and is a certified life coach with nearly twenty-five years of experience. Her signature program Happiness of You™, and her monologue on healing your past, FIERCE monologue™, guide people to mindfully let go of their past and live happily in the Now.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Shannon
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. It was beautifully written and it sounds like this experience netted you quite a bit of wisdom and understanding. I do believe that our deaths are not random, and that souls come here to experience certain things and that often travel in ‘groups.’
For whatever reason, this journey was short this time around, and was related to some sort of theme you came to explore here during this particular incarnation. Like you said, it is all pretty mysterious. While the ‘big’ us has all this wisdom, the ‘little’ us is just human and has to go through it all..that is where the lessons are learned.
I do believe that we can get comfortable with our suffering…we may not like it, but it is familiar.
I wish you continued healing.
Thank you very much, Kelli, for your kind reply. I did gain so much from this healing journey. Jonathan was, and is, such a gift in my life. I learned so much. This time – his passing – really was the catalyst for my personal growth and for finding my authentic self.
I agree with you – our lives and deaths are not random, but very purposeful experiences. Jonathan is part of my ‘group’, and I am grateful to have looked in his eyes 🙂
Thank you again, for your thoughtful reply.
Hi Shannon, your story and reflections are deeply touching. Glad you are finding some peace and comfort on your journey. Love and Light:)
Thank you, Nichol, it was an amazing journey of duality! Love & Light to you, too 🙂
Thank you for this article. The ideas you express feel very authentic to me. I have been processing the grief of losing a father to cancer who was very central in the life of our family. It seemed when he died I lost a hero who provided well, everything important in life. Once I realized the gift I had been given of experiencing life with him and released the feelings of self doubt and sadness of life without him I was able to feel happiness again and very quickly improved my life and the life of my family. One important thing I learned is that different people experience grief differently and its necessary to realize this and allow for it.
Andrew, thank you for sharing. I’m so glad we both found our gifts from the pain of grief. It sounds like your father was an amazing man in your family. I’m also glad you were and are blessed with his presence. I can feel your strength and love just from reading your comment.
You’re right, we do all experience grief differently, and it is so important to allow our own path of healing. Thank you again for sharing. I wish much peace for you and your family.
Shannon,
I can feel how powerful this was and IS for you. Their is so much strength behind sharing your story. Thank you for trusting us with it 🙂
Choice can be so scary…esp when the choice is moving toward unfamiliar ground, through letting go. But i can see that holding on can be a brutal, stagnant place…whereas moving through and letting go allows growth and a perspective shifts. You did not let go of Jonathon, I see. Instead, you took him with you and left behind the pain (or most of it).
I love what this experience has done for you.
And what reading about it can potentially do for us.
It’s certainly making me think a bit today.
Thank you,
Rene
Wow, Rene, you put it perfectly and beautifully – thank you. I’ve not ‘let go’ of him, rather – I took him with me leaving the pain behind… wow. Thank you for that.
Choice and moving forward can be scary, for sure – especially when you’re stepping into unfamiliar ground. And depending on what you’re letting go of – that fear could be greater. I think the turning point is realizing that holding on is even scarier.
I appreciate your kind and thoughtful comment, and I do hope that my sharing will bless others. Thanks so much, Shannon
Shannon, through your grief you found and chose light, love and peace which you now share with so many. You make a difference, and Jonathan’s brief life made a difference.
Thank you, Melissa, your kind words mean a lot to me. I am grateful to have found light, love, and peace… and I’m very honored to share that with others. We each make a difference in the world when we heal and find peace… then we share that no matter what – simply by being a Light to others <3
Really touching. Thank you for reminding me that how we grieve, how we react is a choice.
Such a beautifully written article that everyone can learn from. While I think everyone has probably experienced grief in their life, sometimes people don’t realize that however you personally grieve is not wrong and is part of your own process of dealing with it. Being able to learn about how strong you are and not letting it destroy you is something I think everyone would like to be able to do. You are such a blessing, Shannon, in that you are able to use your experience and help others and let others know it is ok to feel whatever you feel and learn how to use it for good! 🙂 You are definitely an inspiration 🙂 <3
Thank you, Tir, for sharing your thoughts. I’m glad my story touched your heart. And I’m glad for everyone who shares their stories… we all need reminders in life. Slowly we will create a more peaceful world by doing so 🙂
Dianne, thank you very much, for sharing your thoughtful comments. I agree – we all have our path and way to heal from pain in life. There are always lessons and ways we can find purpose through our suffering. I’m glad the sharing of my life experiences help others 🙂
YOU are a blessing too! Keep shining your Light!
I admire your strength and wisdom. Things happen in our life, but we choose how we let these things affect us and what we take from the experiences. Your loss made you an even more amazing person. Not only that, but you are there for other people. Bless your heart. <3
Thank you so much, Peace Within, for your kindness. Recognizing choice is so powerful, even with very difficult life experiences. I do feel like my time with Jonathan made me a better person. Before his life… I was hiding a lot, trying to make everyone love & approve of me, trying to be a ‘good girl’ by following the rules (and hiding when I didn’t). I really was lost to my true self. That is a big gift Jonathan gave me – nudging me to look within. And I am blessed to be able to help others with my stories and work.
Peace Within, thank you very much for your thoughtful and kind comment <3
30 years gone, and still I grieve. To let go seems to invalidate the loss. To be happy seems to be shallow. It’s not even about the pain anymore, but the fundamental question – If I stop, who will I be?
You don’t have to stop anything, ChildlessMan, to still be. You Are, so you will always Be. I don’t believe letting go or being happy are either invalidating or shallow. When I think of how Jonathan might now exist, I know he’d want me to move forward in life and to be happy.
I send you much Love and hope for healing in your own way. I wish for you much Peace.
Often after reading deep revelations of feeling I find myself in a speechless wonder. Words become a bit awkward. It is strange why saying I love you can be difficult. Maybe because the word love is so over used it may feel to convey the feeling of connection as fellow humanbeings on starship earth. Well, whaddaya know, I found the words.
P.S. I posted this on FB first. It seems I did not scroll down far enough to find the comment section. Yes, I’m blushing.
Grief is something we the living still struggle to understand. It took me so long to figure out that life is not just a beginning (birth) and and ending (death), but a huge series of beginnings and endings for our journey. As we experience grief, we also can experience a feeling of closing. I thank you for your story and words. Time is not the important element, but healing is. As we say in my religion when someone dies, “May their memory always be for a blessing.” I always take that to mean that we must find a way to remember the positivie aspects of someone’s life and find our focus there.
Shannon, Thank you for sharing your story and so beautifully. I love that you point out that emotions, esp grief, are not to be rushed though, but also not to be clung to; and something that we can choose to intentionally and consciously walk through, in whatever way feels right for us.
One of my favorite stories about not rushing grief is from the musical Quilters: a pioneer woman’s husband had been killed while walking on a railway track. Her own mother came to take care of her children, as she could do nothing but sit in a rocking chair staring out the window. Sensing her need for grounding, her mother brought her “piecing” basket. The grieving widow said, “I didn’t know what to do, but my hands did. I picked up one piece, then another, cut them and stitched them; then another, then another. In a few months, I had finished the quilt, and my eyes came clear again.” (paraphrased)
Shannon, Thank You. I often write about and always encourage my yoga students to practice letting go. In the back of my mind, I knew I was treading dangerously close to the world of a parent who has lost their child and who would one day challenge me on the idea of “letting go”, and I knew that I would not know what to say. And to be honest, when I think of letting go of such pain, the whole idea seems futile. You have allowed me to see that it is indeed difficult, but not an impossible belief to have faith in. Thanks you so much for sharing your story.
Wow, Siobhan, thank you – I am deeply touched by what you shared. And I commend you for taking time, as your role as yogi and teacher, to inspire people during their practice. I love when yoga teachers do that – encourage a deeper connection with mind and soul during practice.
My ‘letting go’ certainly doesn’t mean that I never wonder what Jonathan’s voice would sound like or what color his eyes would be… I still let a few tears fall (in fact just re.reading this post this morning allowed me to have a few tears stream down my cheeks). It’s difficult to describe the letting go or the acceptance of such pain. I know it was consciously done, and that it has altered the entire course of my life. I know I’ve freed both my heart and his to go on with existence as we’re both experiencing it. I have much peace about my time with him, and, really, all my life’s stories.
I ache to know that so many people hold on to pain in their past. I want so much to help people let go – in whatever way that is meaningful to them, and in a way that brings more peace to their soul. I believe we will create a peaceful world then… when peace fills each of our hearts.
Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply! Much Love and Peace to you and your students <3
Nelleke, thank you for your wise reply – yes, we must find our own walk through the painful times in life… without rushing or clinging.
Oh, I love that story about the quilter. It is just lovely. Thank you so much for sharing. I suppose our heart is much the same – it knows what to do… we must have the courage, patience, and tenderness to allow it (rather than deny it).
I appreciate your thoughtful reply 🙂
I love that thought, Bullyinglte – that life is a huge series of beginnings and endings – so true. Life is a loooong book filled with many stories.
I also agree, it is not time that matters but the healing. To honor our own path of healing (and the paths of others) is so important. The more personal healing that happens in the world – the closer we are to a peaceful world for all.
I just love your religion’s words “May their memory always be for a blessing.” – that is beautiful. For our world to live that while each of us is alive and breathing – to see the good in everyone we encounter – that would be a blessing too!
Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful reply to my post. It means a lot to me <3 Many blessings to you!
I love that speechless wonder, Lynn! To really take someone’s vulnerable story into your heart is powerful, and, I believe, it brings healing to our entire world. We build compassion and acceptance that way. We will bring Peace in that way.
Even though we’ve exhausted the word ‘love’, conveying love to all of life is what will save us. I try to love everyone – even those people whose behavior hurts or irritates me. I learn from it, forgive, love and move on. That keeps my heart in peace.
Thanks for sharing your thoughtful comment on FB and here! 🙂 Blushing is good for the soul 😉
Thank you for being so kind Shannon. Appreciate it!
It’s mutual, Peace Within!
Peace and Joy to you!
I am smiling for you, Shannon. For your beauty inside and out, for your ability to heal others by sharing YOU. Do you see how many shares this article has received? You and Jonathan are healing people together. This beauty causes my heart to soar. Much love to you my friend.
Shannon,
I very much enjoyed your article. It was very touching and inspiring. I lost my second child 3 months ago. She was only 3 months old. It has been a tragic experience. She went to sleep and didn’t wake that day. Some days are really hard. I think maybe it would be easier had I known and prepared, but I’m thankful she wasn’t ill. I now realize that I too hold onto my grief. I think holding onto it makes me feel better so that she knows I haven’t forgotten. It’s a fear of moving on to soon for fear of upsetting her. I know totally ridiculous. I need release my grief. Thank you for your lovely article.
And now I am smiling, too – BIG 🙂 Thank you, wonderful Valarie… you are always so kind and encouraging. I just love you!
I am very touched by the sharing and the comments… it means a lot to me. Any healing that is inspired through my story with Jonathan is a gift… to the world 🙂
My heart is soaring right with yours today!!
XO lovely friend!
What an incredible article. So healing and full of wisdom. Thank you so much for this.
Your blogging brought me back to a time when my sister, who is a year younger than me, and I were both pregnant, each with our first child. I held her & grieved with her when she learned from her doctor, on her due date, that she was going to have to delivery her stillborn baby boy the very next day. It was so hard to accept. Less than a year later she delivered 2 healthy twin boys. It was a miracle! They are remarkable 32-yr olds now and changing the world! No kidding. As you know Shannon, as hard as life can be at times there is always more to be thankful for. Love life! Hugs to you, Shannon, and thanks for sharing.
Shannon,
What an amazing story. You have so much strength, courage, and vision. Thank you for sharing and showing us that no matter what our circumstance, we have the power of choice.
Shannon – I hadn’t realized what a tremendously painful experience you’d been through. It is so inspirational that you’ve worked through one of the hardest experiences out there that I can image with such grace. I was particularly struck by how you knew of the terminal nature of the pregnancy and chose to see it through for months to have a sacred few hours with him – just beautiful. I very much admire you. 🙂
I remember the time when my mother disclosed the fact that I had an elder brother, who died as a result of undiagnosed brain abscess at the age of 6. He was the first child my mother I had. Sometimes I do feel the need of an elder brother who would have guided me through my tough times. But my mother then said to me that my brother is up there watching me and trying to tell me what’s right and good. May be I should understand him rather than his absence.
Lukador, Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life. I have, very clearly, felt the presence of Jonathan. And my daughter, who was 1.5 when he died, she used to refer to him often. Of course I don’t know how life & death work – but if your mom and me are right… than you have a wonderful guide for your life. When I need guidance (which is often 🙂 ), I pray to many different sources… sometimes I pray to Jonathan. Perhaps try speaking to your brother… maybe that will bring you closer to understanding him. I send you much love and peace <3
Oh, thank you, Alyssa – you are so kind. The summer of 2000 was a looong summer, but there were so many sacred moments. I could write about 20 more blog posts about this part of my journey. I learned a lot. And I experienced tremendous compassion.
The decision to carry Jonathan was a heavy one. I spend those months with him within me cherishing him and prayer fervently. I refused to buy a grave plot or even discuss his passing. I never gave up hope. As a mom, I just had to keep believing. I know now that it was his life’s plan.
I will always be very grateful to have had that time to hold him in my arms and look into his eye a few precious times. He is a big reason why I am who I am today <3
Thank you, Joy – I appreciate your kindness. We do always have choice, even when it feels we don’t. Sometimes we just have to take our time to realize that and choose. I appreciate your comment 🙂
Oh my, Molly… what a difficult time you two shared. I am sure you were a huge comfort to her. Hearing words like that are so very hard to accept. I remember when the doctor told me as I was laying on the ultrasound table… I felt like kicking him because I was angry and I so badly wanted it to be a lie.
What a blessing to have two healthy boys a year later! I am glad you were both able to have healthy children who you could enjoy 🙂
Life can be difficult, but there is always so much to be grateful for – you are right! And that duality and the struggles – those are what make us grow.
Hugs to you too, Molly (and to your sister) <3 Thank you so much for your very thoughtful comment!
S C, thank you so very much. I am touched by your comment, and you are very welcome. I hope my story helps others heal in their own time and way. Many blessings to you!
Oh Megan, I am so deeply sorry. I wish I could give you a hug right now.
Please take your time… give yourself a ton of love and grace. My friends, Tim and Anne, told me – right after Jonathan died – “There are no rules for grieving.” That helped me a lot. I had to find my own way.
You will too. But don’t rush yourself. Be gentle with yourself as you would your closest girlfriend. You will heal – I can hear it in your ‘voice’.
My blog post might sound like I healed right away, but I didn’t. The episode I wrote about was about 9 months after Jonathan died, and even after that epiphany bubble – it took time to be with the pain, find a different perspective, love myself through it… and then I knew – I knew when I had consciously healed from it.
Lastly, you are not ridiculous. Not at all. Allow all your thoughts and feelings to come without judgment.
This is my belief (and I don’t expect it to be yours, but I’ll share in case it rings true and helps you in some way)… my belief is that your daughter, undoubtedly, loves you deeply. Although she is in a place of complete love and compassion, and she can feel the purpose of this life she just lived… she wants you to also be happy and at peace. She would never judge you or feel upset for how you are grieving or moving on with life. I don’t even think it’s possible to feel upset from where she is. If anything, she is now holding you in her loving arms… just like you once held her… giving you unconditional love and wishing peace for you. She love you, Megan, just like you love her. Pure Love.
I am sending you a ton of love and light right now. Be tender with yourself, Megan. You will heal in your own time and way. Know that I care, and I will be holding you in my heart and prayers. xo
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story Shannon. As I sit here reading it with my 3 month old in my arms your story has given me a gentle reminder of each of our life’s purpose and the trust we have to have in our journey. I feel grateful for every minute that she and I are together. She will have open heart surgery this Summer, although I feel like I’ve handled everything pretty well I do occasionally get stuck in fear mode for a hour/day or two! Your experience with Jonathan gave me the nice reminder that I could use that no matter what our future holds it will all turn out exactly as it’s supposed. Thanks again for sharing!
Dear Shannon,
I am so glad for you finding the peace and light in Jonathon’s passing. You give me hope to deal with our Thora Grace who left her body 5 minutes after she was born. We were able to look into her eyes for a few precious moments. Like you we had a terminal pregnancy that we carried through. I believed a miracle would happen and she would survive, but when I am in the right space I realize it was a miracle for us to hold her and look into her eyes. I pray for the strength to transform all of this grief and pain into love, connection and ultimately understanding. Thank you for sharing this. I feel better tonight after reading it. Continued healing and blessings for you and your family. Love,
Ryan
Dear Ryan, I am sending you Love, Hope, and Peace. My heart aches whenever I hear of another parent experiencing what we have. It’s a pain with no words. Know that I am holding you all in my heart.
I agree – we did receive miracles to have our little ones for some time to hold, to look into their beautiful eyes. I know those moments will never be forgotten.
I believe our lives are sometimes meant to be short, but that doesn’t mean they lack purpose. I am sure your sweet, lovely Thora Grace will bless the rest of your lives.
I’m very happy that you felt some peace after reading my story. May you also have continued blessings and healing through Love and Hope.
With Love,
Shannon
Dear Sara, thank you so much for sharing. I will be thinking about your sweet baby girl this summer – praying for her surgery to go perfectly as we both wish… so she is back home with you growing and making your heart melt <3
I'm glad my story gave you some peace. Enjoy each moment with your wonderful baby, and take deep breaths (breathing in trust and faith) any time the scary thoughts come up. If you 'see' anything in your mind… see your sweet little one celebrating her first birthday surrounded by loved ones and with a face full of cake and smiles!
Much Love,
Shannon
Thank you, Shannon, for sharing this honest reflection on your time with Jonathan. You’ve shared your journey, and encouraged us to experience all of life with gratitude, openness and compassion.
Blessings and love,
Rayetta
Thank you, Rayetta. Experiencing of all of life with gratitude, openness, and compassion…. that is the best way – whether life is feeling painful or joyful. Thank you for your comment – I appreciate it.
Peace and Love,
Shannon
This is such a great post. I’m in this phase now. My mother died at 58 last April, and I’ve spent the last 9 months grieving her and suddenly feel like it’s ok to let it go and be part of the land of the living again. I know that people that lose someone always miss them for the rest of their lives, but I know my mom would not want me to be depressed for the rest of my life. Or even every year on her death anniversary. I think she’d rather I live and live well and think of her life as a blessing, and her death as a rite of passage we all must face eventually. She was not one to be fussed over, and I don’t think she’d want me to do that now. If anything she’d want me to just remember all the good and know that she’s happy where she is now and is watching over all her kids as we fumble through life.
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