“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi
My grandmother is nearing the end. She’s had a good life, a family, a loving husband, dancing and singing, growing things, running a business.
There are some skeletons in the closet though; her early life had some very heavy experiences that made her afraid and may have held her back. On balance, a great life, but there were challenges.
Right now, she’s slipped into a dream world and she is often still there when her eyes are open. There are lucid moments but her short-term memory is gone. She wakes and wonders who you are.
But if you don’t push her to be in your time zone, she is happy to have her hand held, to sing the old songs, to laugh, to tell you what’s what. Her personality hasn’t changed.
What she’s doing, we think, is sorting through the various stages of her life, coming to terms with the things that need to be understood with the heart. She seems to be burning away the old memories, the old feelings.
Maybe she’s also looking forward to joining my grandfather for a dance, as they always did. They met at a dance.
I don’t really know what it’s like for her but I see her returning to a kind of innocence, burning off the barriers to love. I see her life and all our lives as a gift of learning how to love.
This has me thinking: How can we remove the barriers to love now? How can we burn off what doesn’t serve and let the best of us shine through?
1. Practice forgiveness.
Let go of the poisons of resentment. Let them wash away in a cool mountain stream meditation. Simply say, I forgive NAME and I forgive myself. I send love to both of us.
2. Try to understand.
Play act being that other person. What could have made them do the things they did? Were they in pain themselves? Were they just naive and oblivious?
3. Change your beliefs.
The limitations and barriers to love (and to anything else we want in life) are really about the beliefs we hold. The past is gone; it’s only our beliefs that live on to affect our current life. What belief is stopping you feeling love? Is this belief really true? Could you believe otherwise?
4. Change your story.
Change the way you see it and tell it. What did you learn?
Your story might be: “I am lonely because I was treated harshly as a child and can’t trust others.” You could change this to: “My early life taught me to crave and seek healthy connections.”
If you lived in fear as a child, did it teach you courage? Your story could be: “Being afraid taught me to stand up for what I believe in.” Change your story if you need to. Your story about before runs your life now, and now is what really matters.
5. Create from the darkness.
Play with the raw materials of life. Creativity transforms experience. Write, draw, paint, sculpt, bake, cartoon, collage, or just laugh about the hard stuff with a good friend. Get it out.
In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, the heartbroken playwright (Diane Keaton) writes madly, alternately sobbing and laughing with delight as she “nails” a great comic scene. At some point, the terrible truth may become hilariously funny. Get creative.
6. Give love to feel love.
Love lives in my heart when I give it. Giving love makes us feel love. How do you best give love? What does your beloved like most? Do they love hugs, a talk, good food, flowers, car movies? Feel love in the act of giving. You may not have to actually watch the car movies.
7. Appreciate this miraculous life.
List your gratitude. List your small and simple pleasures. Indulge in them. For all the dark and light, life is a beautiful gift.
I want to talk about that last point. Often, someone nearing the end is reluctant to let go of this life. I get that feeling watching my grandmother now. Whatever life has held, we want more of it, even when it’s time to say goodbye.
Years ago, I saw an achingly beautiful contemporary dance performance called Fallen Angels. In the last moment, the stage filled with a thin layer of water. All but one had climbed to heaven. One dancer was left flipping and struggling like a fish in shallow water, holding on desperately to a difficult and beautiful life.
In that scene, letting go of life was so hard. Despite all the mess and confusion, the pain and heartbreak, this last dancer did not want to leave, even for heaven.
For all its contrasts, life is beautiful. At the end of our lives, I think we may want to hold on to all of it, the good and the bad. I have a feeling our souls wouldn’t change a thing.
Let’s embrace the beauty as much as possible right now and burn off the barriers to love. We can only do our best, learning to love as we go, living and loving all of it.
Photo by Jenny Starley

About Tania Yardley
Tania is a writer and a truthseeker who tends to question everything. Her past lives probably included a scholar monk and a dancing gypsy. You can follow her “ideas to play with” at missyardley.com.
Very inspiring! I cannot help crying while reading your post, because I feel in a way that the barriers I’ve built in my life have held me back from all the love I can give, and has stopped the sun within me that should shine non-stop. Grudges and resentment can only mean suffering and pain and I am certainly tired of it. It’s time to move on, to forgive others, but most importantly to forgive myself for not addressing what’s hurting me and stopping my inner light. I appreciate this moment of reflection and love your post brings. God bless you!!!!
Me too, Conniek. I have a lot of barriers too but maybe it’s just all part of being human. It hurts a lot when I look at my walls but that’s usually the start of them melting. Sometimes I really wish they would melt quicker! 🙂 Thanks for telling me that this moved you, I teared up reading that. I love your phrase, “the sun within me”. I’m sure the sun within you will be beautiful. That’s a lovely way to see it and say it. Thank you.
Thank you for this lovely gift on a cold winter’s day. I’m under the weather and not feeling up to par but your post absolutely made me feel peaceful and loved. Thank you.
Beautiful! Thank you! Your words had me sobbing tears of joy. (That’s a GOOD thing in my world.) Every single point you made nailed right to the heart of a current issue in my life and broke my blocks wide open. In trying to love someone who insists on self-destruction and pushing people away, you’ve helped me reframe my beliefs and impulses so I can drop the anger and frustration and now act from a place of love and acceptance. The only thing which will help the people I most want to love is if I become the person I’m capable of being. Tiny Buddha, once again, gives me the exact words I need to hear at the moment I need to hear them!! Thank you! <3
This is so beautifully written. Thank you.
The part about reframing your story to recognize the strengths gained was very powerful. Excellent advice!
What a humbling and beautiful piece. Thank you for this.
Tania, thank you! This is a beautiful post and so valuable to anyone dealing with death & dying, or the elderly … family members or friends. I discovered these things when my mother was at the end of her life and suffering from Alzheimer’s. My father was actually able to express some of these things at the end of his life. So, thank you! My favorite part of your post is this: ”
Right now, she’s slipped into a dream world and she is often still
there when her eyes are open. There are lucid moments but her short-term
memory is gone. She wakes and wonders who you are.
But if you don’t push her to be in your time zone, she is happy to
have her hand held, to sing the old songs, to laugh, to tell you what’s
what. Her personality hasn’t changed.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for adding to the beauty on our planet! ~ Sarah
Two points stood out for me here were where you said “The past is gone; it’s only our beliefs that live on to affect our current life.” and “For all the dark and light, life is a beautiful gift” but mostly the latter one.
Thanks, Lauri. I’m very glad you enjoyed it and thanks so much for telling me. It’s summer here but I know that mid winter slump well. Wishing you some sunshine soon, whatever form it comes in 🙂
Thanks, Nicole. The memory of that incredible dance performance showed me that it’s all beautiful better than any words I know. Of course, I forget every three minutes 🙂 Thanks for your comments.
Hi Sarah, thank you so much for your kind words. In understanding this time with my grandmother, I was very much guided by my mother. Mum works in aged care. She has a powerful way of diving into the heart of things. Thank you for sharing your own experiences. I am humbled by what you experienced with the loss of your parents. It makes me think how much courage ordinary life can demand.
Thank you 🙂
Thanks, Sue 🙂
Thank you for your kind comment, Laura. I really appreciate it.
I know what you mean, Lisa. A good cry can be just what I need sometimes.too. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and thoughts with me. I’m quite humbled. I love this from you: “The only thing which will help the people I most want to love is if I become the person I’m capable of being.” What a powerful way to put it! I love it! I will check out your writing. Thanks again and I’ll be reading you soon! 🙂
Me too, Conniek. I have a lot of barriers too but maybe it’s just all part of being human. It hurts a lot when I look at my walls but that’s usually the start of them melting. Sometimes I really wish they would melt quicker! 🙂 Thanks for telling me that this moved you, I teared up reading that. I love your phrase, “the sun within me”. I’m sure the sun within you will be beautiful. That’s a lovely way to see it and say it. Thank you.
Hi Tania,
Thanks so much. I’m looking around your site and loving it. I’ll be sharing up a storm. How else can I help?
“Sharing up a storm” sounds good to me Lauri! Thank you 🙂
hey Tania – why does it take our later years in life or proximity for death to actually start living! I’m glad you reminded us not to wait to live. Not to wait to be grateful, forgive or love and start doing that today. Personally, I found forgiveness and letting go of the poison of resentment you mentioned to be the start of my journey to healing and love. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do because the ego was so resistant to it but once I did, my life started unfolding for the better immediately.
I also like your suggestion of giving love to feel love. A great tip if we want to have more love in our life. We can in fact create more love in our life by giving it. And not just to one person but love in friendships, in giving, in serving others and love in our vocation. Thank you for sharing this post!
Hi Vishnu, it does seem a bit crazy that it takes us such a long time to get hang of living! 🙂 Then again, maybe grazing our knees and getting up again is living. I have a lot more theories than skill in executing them 🙂 You’re right about forgiveness and letting go – hanging on is very hard going. Then once you’ve let go you wonder what that was all about!
Glad you enjoyed. I know that I’ve read and liked your posts on this site. Will check out your blog.
Beautiful read! Thank you 🙂 xx
Thanks, Amanda 🙂
Great writeup, thank you for sharing 🙂
Thanks, Matt 🙂