“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” ~Cynthia Occelli
There are no two ways about it.
Heartbreak squeezes you as though you were an orange, crushes you as though it were a tractor, and cuts sharply as a razor blade.
Breaking up with my former wife was the most crushing event in my life. It made me see myself as a failure, hide in embarrassment, and cry myself to sleep for months.
There are so many things I’d rather do than experience a broken heart again—like, oh, I don’t know, take a safari through the Serengeti alone and have hungry lions eat me alive, or take a plunge into the shark tank at Sea World and discover just how friendly those creatures really are.
When you’re in a long-term relationship, or married to that person for years, heartbreak can be life breaking. The world you know ends.
Through heartbreak, you come to see yourself as rejected, dejected, failed, and damaged.
You question the meaning of life and, if bruised badly enough, even wonder why you’re alive.
Would it seem too nuts for me to say that the pain of heartbreak led me to believe that being buried alive would have been more peaceful? Settling into a coffin would have been more pleasurable than facing the world every day?
These were the thoughts that occupied my mind for a couple years of my life.
I’m glad to say I survived this experience and didn’t do any of these drastic things.
I survived the end of a love gone wrong. I survived the shattered pieces of a broken heart that scattered around me. I survived the accompanying disillusionment, sadness, sorrow, and pain.
I lived to tell about it.
What life lessons can I give you other than the simple message that you can do it too?
Simply this: Your heart might be broken and closed, but this experience can lead to a soul awakening; through it, you can form a deeper connection with your highest self and find a greater sense of peace and clarity. Here’s how.
1. Assess the damage.
At some point, you’ll have to go from being the person who is broken and lost to being an observer surveying the wreckage.
What do you miss about that person? What did you lose? What shared dreams have vanished from your life?
When the pain has stopped or when you decide that you can’t keep living with a heavy heart, you’ll have to see where you are so that you can rebuild your life from the ground up.
Acknowledge the loss. See where you are emotionally, psychologically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.
It doesn’t matter how bad of a place you’re in. Stopping to look around you, to reflect and acknowledge where your heartbreak has brought you, is a start.
2. Let love flood in.
Your love for someone has shattered to pieces. Every edge of your heart cuts; every corner twinges with pain and nothing seems to fit back together.
While you may see that your heart is shattered, know that now there is space for light to enter.
Where is the light?
The light is the love already within you.
The light is subdued and hidden. It seems distant. You had completely forgotten about it.
The good news is that you can access the light again by cultivating your love of yourself.
Wherever you see emptiness, let the light come in. Imagine sunlight filling the void.
When you notice craters of loneliness, let the light in. Imagine love filling the void.
When you see ice blocks of pain, let the light’s heat melt them. Imagine love melting the void.
What we’re talking about here is love that’s already within you—unleashing, releasing, and recapturing it. We’re not talking about love for anyone or anything else.
I’m asking you to tap into the love already there.
Cultivating this love requires that you mend your heart.
It requires that you slow down and take care of yourself. It requires long walks, meditation, and room to breathe.
It requires healthier eating, rekindled friendships, and self-care.
Learn that you are enough as you are. No one can fulfill you or complete you as much as you can fulfill and complete yourself.
3. Let your ego wash away.
Your bruised ego desires plenty of attention and wants to be deeply embraced. It wants to grab a hold of your life and turn you into a victim. Our egos don’t like to feel ashamed, vulnerable, or lonely.
Becoming aware of the ego helps release its strong grip on your life.
Gently notice the ego’s hunger and its to desire to encompass your life. Watch it become enraged, hurt, bitter, and vengeful.
Examine if your love for your ex was based on true love, or a need to feel complete, a need for companionship, or a desire to feel good about yourself.
Were you in your past relationship to fulfill your ego’s needs, or your heart’s desires?
One is selfish and centered on you; the other is generous and centered on giving.
The point is not to be hard on yourself; it’s to be honest with yourself so you can show yourself compassion.
The ego comes from a place of lack and not having had enough love.
You can water the ego with the love it desires. Treating yourself better, being mindful of your thoughts, and being kinder with the words you use toward yourself will help release the role of the ego in your life.
4. Sit with your soul.
I never connected with my soul during the course of my relationship.
I was too busy nit-picking, disagreeing, and getting even with my ex. I was caught up in games, ego, and anger.
I never tapped into my soul to guide the way.
If I had, I would have come from a place of love for her and for myself. I would have showed up every day with compassion and understanding.
The soul is an internal all-knowing sacred space that holds your highest truth, your most divine self, and an abundance of love.
This space is your true nature, your essence, your clarity.
Walks in nature, a meditative silence, a silent cathedral, a closed-eye prayer—all allow the senses to quiet themselves so that you can tap into your soul.
Connect with this quiet, wise, all-knowing, expansive, light-filled space daily.
Go forward in the world from this space of love and clarity. Learn to listen, love, and live from this sacred space.
5. Let your soul guide you.
Live your life from the source of internal power that comes from the soul.
Listen to the strong command of your soul’s voice—your intuitive feelings and the wise internal whispers that come from a place of love and quiet strength.
Hear the ego’s voice arise and acknowledge it. Thank the ego for looking out for you, then release it from its duties.
Pledge to live your life from this soul-centered state of peace, awareness, and compassion.
Embrace your soul. Feel it. Listen to it. Let it guide you.
It’s time to gently sweep the broken pieces of your heart aside.
Bow to your broken heart in gratitude, for if it hadn’t shattered so loudly and violently, you would never started on this path to your soul awakening.
About Vishnu
Vishnu is a writer and coach who helps people overcome breakups to rebuild their lives and live with purpose. He blogs at www.vishnusvirtues.com For Vishnu's latest book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, visit his Amazon page here.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hi Vishnu,
I have experienced everything that you have mentioned here.
Currently i am relying on my soul to guide me thru this difficult time and pick
the path that will eventually lead me to happier place. Even though I don’t believe
that I will ever reach that sate but I have surrendered myself to the faith
that will happen one day. I definitely need your help. How could I reach out to
you?
Thank you for this.
Thank you for reading, Megan.
This is so honest and brave. the description of heartbreak is so accurate – you truly managed to capture how painful the experience is. than you for sharing it!
Thank you Vishnu for sharing this with is. It brought tears to my eyes because I’ve been in that place myself and learned everything you talk about as a result of my heart breaking. I am now a year on and I’m able to be grateful for this experience and all that it has taught me. I’m living my life in a more mindful and compassionate way as a result.
Thank you for reading and glad it resonated. I was in a bad place for a couple of years and experienced the very feelings I write about. It wasn’t a fun place to be but has profoundly changed my life (for the better) since.
hi Lauren – thanks for your comment and feedback. Gratefulness is when you know you’re nearing the end of the pain and grieving. In the moment, we never can see the experience for what it truly is. We really get a gift out of heartbreak – as you say, mindfulness, compassion, etc. Also, growth, sioul awakening, a new life and new beginnings. I’ve come to see how the worst thing in my life is now the best thing that has happened in my life! Who have guessed or known.
hi Rene – thanks so much for your comment. The path back isn’t clear, easy or even fun! It was a struggle but it’s possible. For me it had to do with persisting, forgiveness, letting go of the past to move on. Each step took a bit of time. You’re welcome to visit my blog at http://www.vishnusvirtues.com and learn more about my story, etc and the steps I went through for healing and moving on. Sending you a lot of healing energy and strength during this time.
It’s a cliche but I like to believe that my breakup and breakdown was responsible for my breakthrough today.
Thanks for the article. I will save it up to read again and again. How do you deal with the embarrassment when you all your friends support your ex and treat you like a joke
Thank you. I’ve read so many articles and never got a true meaning from any. I got what you wrote, it resonated in my heart. I couldn’t decipher things from my ego or from my soul. It’s been two years since my husband walked away from me and I never realized that the 20 years we had spent together were based on my ego’s needs and not my heart’s. I clearly see that I’m doing that exact same thing again while I’m “trying” to date and move on, but I’m not feeling content or satisfied. I understand now. Again, thank you so much for a very enlightening article.
Probably one of the best blogs on break ups I’ve read in a long time. I’m going on 3.5 years since mine with my ex of 15 years and so much of this article still resonated…Don’t know if that’s a good sign or a bad one. 🙂
Dear Vishnu,
This is one of the most eloquent and soul-stirring things I have ever read. It resonates to the core of my being, the light of my soul-you truly wrote what I have experienced spiritually over the last year. It’s become my life’s work to delve deep into self-awareness-discover why I am here and what my soul needs to learn, and how I can use this to touch someone else in the same way. It’s been an indescribable feeling of connection, with myself, and I am thankful for it everyday. Through heartbreak comes light and love. Thank you for writing this–it really touched me and I know it will help others to find this within themselves. Thank you. xx
I can apply this to my personal situation with what happened to me when I was in that car accident. I had to eventually look at my life from a different angle (or many angles). I was not always the way I am now. I was angry & depressed. I guess I may have been heartbroken. It was similar at least. So 15+ years have gone by now & I can easily say I have chosen the positive path, the path that leads to enlightenment. Of course I did, life is too short to be pissed off all the time & nobody needs the negativity anyway.
Thanks for chiming in Amanda – I see what you’re saying – we can have soul awakenings from heartbreak or really any devastating event in our lives. I love how you chose the path of positivity and the path to growth. You talk about the power of choice – how we can really choose how we want to handle life’s curve balls. We can’t change the situation but we can change our perspective and it’s upto each one of us. Thank you for your comment and inspiration.
Thank you for reading – I hope you continue to find it helpful. Your journey and your awakening is your own, regardless of what anyone else thinks of you. Use this time to take care of yourself, ground yourself in who you are and be true to yourself. Also, not a bad time to let go of friendships that no longer serve you. Friends who kick you down when you’re down might not be friends after all.
Hi Janne – this comment made my day and I’m glad the post resonated with you. I had worked hard on it and had help in editing it to really tell my story and offer these tips. Part of it was soul discovery and part of it was writing clarity 🙂 I’m glad you’ve made some discoveries and hopefully you’ll now be able to move on now with this knowledge and find the peace and contentment of you’ve been looking for.The ego is a strong and hungry being who likes to take control of our lives. Recognizing it makes it lose it’s power:)
Hi Shauntay – I don’t know if 3.5 years is too long or not to heal but I do know that time alone doesn’t heal 🙂 It take some proactive steps and going through a process of grieving. Awareness and self-understanding are some of the gifts of heartbreak. IF this article resonates, you’ve likely understood the lessons heartbreak had to offer and are ready to move on with your life and let new love in. I’d say that’s a good sign:) Peace and friendship.
Thank you so much for reading and your kind words, Liz. What a beautiful thing heartbreak is in that you shakes us up to core, opens our hearts and opens our soul. It inspires us to discover who we are and leads to our most profound growth. I’m glad to hear you’re on this journey and even happier to hear that you’re thinking about how to help someone else on their path back to themselves.
Thanks for again for your feedback and kind words.
I feel like this advice isn’t solely for a broken heart – it’s for a broken anything. Whether I’m feeling lost and out of control because of something happening in business, a lost loved one, or an argument with a friend – your advice still applies.
Acknowledging my emotions without judgement is difficult for me still. The initial reaction is judgement, and then I move onto acceptance. I wish this process were quicker !
Your advice here will help a lot of people, Vishnu.
Hi Vishnu,
I can relate to all of this having gone through my own break up just under 3 years ago. I do look back on it now with gratitude. It has helped me reconnect with who I am. I realise the mistakes I made also (as you have). I actually feel stronger and more complete as a result, and clearer on who I am in a relationship and what I want. Don’t get me wrong, it was the lowest I have ever been, and I wouldn’t want to go back there or wish it on anyone, but, having been there and come back has shown me the strength I have inside. So now I know I can apply this to other situations too. “This too shall pass” has such a power for me after going through that. I can surrender to more now, trust that I will be OK, and know that I will get through. The other point I would make is I learned that it is OK to feel. It is OK to feel that low. Not to fight it or avoid it, but to pass through it and let it pass through you. That is where the learning and healing happens. Great post. Thanks for writing it as it caused me to reflect again 🙂
Hey Razwana, yes, lots of things can lead to our awakening. Anything painful or jarring can help us go through this process! The process is as quick as it’s supposed to take 🙂 but I think your simple realization that you’re judging by itself will help speed up the process. Awareness and acknowledgment of what’s happening to us is the biggest part of waking up and living from a soul-centered place. I hope people find my experience helpful in their own journeys.
Wow, thanks for sharing your experience Keith and what you went through over the last couple of years. I like your point and realization that it’s “ok to feel” and “ok to feel that low”. That is definitely where the learning and healing happens – in the acceptance, acknowledgment and being open to going through the lows and realizing you can come out of it. Thank you for sharing your experience in the comments here and your feedback.
Hi Vishnu,
A heart can be broken in a number of other ways…a sibling may turn his/her back on you for some misunderstandings, which people create, a son or a daughter may abandon you, a friend may betray you in the most unexpected manner…such hurts leave indelible marks. It is at such a time that persons like Vishnu speak to us, most softly and lovingly, assuring us with his invaluable prudence, as if patting to get up and face those moments of heartbreak.
Yes, speaking to our soul and following our intuition is the only way to emerge stronger. Thank you so much for the wonderful words of awakening, peace and healing.
Thank you for the kind words, Balroop. Yes, not only heartbreak but many situations and breakdowns in relationships can cause a broken heart. I think a soulful solution is available to us in all those similar situations.
Thank you for this post.. Really its a relief..
Thank you for reading and glad you found it helpful.
This is beautiful! Thank you, Vishnu.
thanks Banu for your kind words.
This is by far thee best TB article I have read thus far. It hit home for me. My ego must be HUGE. I will work on this and do some soul searching. Thank you Vishnu. xoxo
hi Tra – thank you for reading and your comment. As I mentioned in the article, treat the ego with compassion and kindness. It too is a part of us and needs our love.
I will re-read this on a consistent basis Vishnu – thank you.
The ego comes from a place of lack and not having had enough love.
You can water the ego with the love it desires. Treating yourself better, being mindful of your thoughts, and being kinder with the words you use toward yourself will help release the role of the ego in your life.
Dear Vishnu,
Your article really hit my heart as I can relate. I am currently going through a separation and I am finding the heartbreak unbearable and scared if I can get through it.
I find the pain overwhelming and am struggling to cope and wonder if I can as I don’t want my marriage to end but can only accept something I can control