“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown
I happened to catch the last scene of the movie Moonstruck on TV a few nights ago. The scene marks the happy resolution of various plot threads, and yet I felt as if I was witnessing the sinking of the Titanic.
It was like watching a demonstration of what I have come to understand as the two ways of being in this world: dominating vs. accepting, narcissism or bullying vs. kindness.
Having come from a narcissistic family myself, it felt as if the movie was peering straight into my soul.
In the movie, Loretta Castorini is engaged to Johnny Cammareri, an aging mama’s boy who never married, out of ‘consideration’ for his ailing mother in Sicily.
In this scene, he bursts in, announcing that he can’t marry Loretta because it would kill his mother, and asks for his engagement ring back. In the next moment, Johnny’s brother, Ronny, promptly proposes to Loretta, borrowing Johnny’s ring to seal the deal.
The movie centers on Ronny and Loretta, yet seeing the last scene isolated from the rest of the movie drew me to Johnny’s experience.
There he was, controlled by his mother long-distance from Sicily, giving up his marriage in deference to his mother’s script about who he needed to be in order to support her needs.
The confusion on Johnny’s face as his brother claims the prize of Loretta’s hand in marriage is heartbreaking. Johnny isn’t quite sure what is happening, and yet he dare not question his mother’s love, nor break free of his supporting role in his mother’s drama.
His life has been spent, and, unless he wakes up, will continue to be spent, in service to her, at a great cost to him.
I see myself in Johnny. I was well into middle age before I was able to break free of my father’s domination of my life, and I suspect that, like me, many people delay the beginning of their own lives out of misplaced fealty to the stories their parents scripted for them.
For years, whether rebelling against my dad’s criticisms or craving approval from outside myself, I had, on a deep level, ceded the central role in my life to my dad.
Whether we were close or miles apart, communicating or no contact, he was the sun, and I was orbiting his solar system. This is exactly how he wanted it, and I fell into place within the structures and systems of his universe.
There is so much truth in humor. Johnny’s mother’s threats are played for laughs, and yet they are more than mere melodramatic manipulation.
An acquaintance of mine energetically supported her narcissistic mother for decades. When she became aware of the family dynamic, she chose to withdraw her energetic support of her mother, and for the first time in her life, focus on herself as an individual.
The potentially intimidating part is that her mother actually became ill.
This is not to imply that my acquaintance should have continued to support her mother, it is simply to say that the energetic connection is real, and removing it, as necessary as it may be, is like removing a crutch someone has grown dependent upon.
It sparks an enormous upheaval and rebalancing for both parties, and yet it must be done in order to achieve greater health and freedom on both sides.
The saddest part for children of narcissistic parents, and also for partners of narcissists, is losing confidence in our own authentic feelings, hopes, and dreams. The narcissist’s insistence upon pretense, and the demand to suppress authentic experience can be very painful.
The younger brother, Ronny, was lucky to have been the black sheep of the family; at least he was distanced from his mother’s demands. Nonetheless, he, too, was damaged.
When we first encounter him in the basement of his bakery, he looks like a hurt animal hiding in his lair. He has a wooden prosthetic hand, as Loretta says, “like a wolf that has chewed off his own paw to escape a trap.”
To narcissistic parents, a child is not a full-fledged individual, but rather a character in their story, and the roles they offer their offspring are severely limited.
Whether a “golden child” who can do no wrong, or the “failure” who can do no right, in either role the child will feel that he must perform in order to try to keep or win the parent’s love.
This is not love at all, but rather a form of abuse, which is worse for being invisible to all but those directly involved. The child is asked to give up her own feelings, thoughts, and needs in order to support the parents’ version of reality.
The child, meanwhile, resists facing the direness of the situation—the truth of a manipulative or even an unloving parent—for she intuits that she needs her parents’ love in order to survive.
At the same time, she may feel excruciatingly uncomfortable living inside the parents’ stories. Like Johnny, she may end up not knowing who she really is and what she really wants, having given up her own thoughts, emotions, and needs for so long.
In the movie, neither brother escapes unscathed: Johnny, the golden child, was hobbled, tied to his mother’s apron strings, and Ronny, the black sheep, was also wounded and cut off from the rest of humanity.
Like so many rebels among us, Ronny finds solace in the arts, in his case, opera. As a child, my passion for dance sustained me. It was an outlet for self-expression, and an opening for the magic I needed in order to survive.
Funny to speak of all this in the context of a romantic comedy, yet perhaps the power of the story stems from its basis in profound truth.
At the end of the final scene, Johnny sits alone as the family excitedly gathers to toast the new couple. He looks stunned, isolated, and lost amid the celebration. Then the grandfather approaches Johnny and extends a glass of champagne, offering the last line in the movie: “You’re part of the family.”
And with that, Johnny is embraced in the warmth of the family, and I burst into tears. How different is this warm embrace compared to the demands of the narcissistic parent.
Johnny is played as a buffoonish character, and the audience is fully rooting for Ronny and Loretta. Yet even clownish Johnny is embraced.
This is love. This is real acceptance.
This is the tenderness of the movie. This is its big heart, which is depicted, not just in the romantic passion of Ronny and Loretta, but more importantly, in the inclusion of Johnny in the celebration. As the credits begin to roll a toast is raised: “La famiglia!” To family!
This is the archetypical image of the loving family. And yet many of us did not experience that. And many of us hide a secret shame that our families aren’t like that. I know that I was deeply ashamed for a long time that my story wasn’t pretty like that, until one day I realized that it was not my fault.
On the day that I accepted my family as it was, and realized that I wasn’t responsible, and rejected the stories they told. On that day I reclaimed my right to my truth about what happened, what I felt, what I thought, and what I experienced.
Reclaiming our stories—our truth—is how we take our power back.
If any of this speaks to you, go watch Moonstruck. Johnny hasn’t woken up yet from the spell his mother cast over him. Ronny, with the help of Loretta’s love, breaks out of his hurt isolation and reclaims his life.
Wake up and face your truth. Sometimes facing the ugliness is the route we must take in order to reclaim our own beauty and power.
About Reba Linker
Bestselling author and life coach Reba Linker helps others walk the path of self-love to a happier, more fulfilled way of life. Reba is dedicated to the alleviation of suffering in the world. Reba’s books include Imagine Self-Love, The Little Book of Manifesting Big, and Follow the Yarn. Find her free gift for you at RebaLinker.com and join her FB group at facebook.com/groups/leadersinselflove/.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Thank you so much for posting this. I’m still attempting to cut the apron strings – even today, this morning in fact!
I learned that I actually had emotions, thoughts, and feelings in my early twenties (I’m 28 now). It struck me one day, I said to myself – my feelings aren’t wrong. I was so convinced that everything I thought and felt was so meaningless that they must be wrong or defective. I don’t know how I stumbled on this new thought but it struck a cord with me and ever since that day I’ve been working hard to get my own life together.
You talk about people turning to the arts to give them self a voice but I couldn’t even do that. My parent wanted me to be a singer and because of that I became their tool in them expressing their emotions through the arts. Pretty messed up.
I’m just glad I’m at least aware of it all now. I still have a relationship with that parent but I’ve created boundaries – which they hate. Sometimes I feel like they are a tidal wave crashing into the wall I’ve built, trying to break it down and get back in. Because of this, I continually reenforce the wall with the help of a loving spouse and accepting friends. This relationship has caused so much doubt in myself but I’m slowly working my way through it. It is so hard because you love that parent so much and that is why it was so easy for them to control you, pretty messed up as well.
Again, thank you for posting this. I’m going to save it so I can read it every so often. It makes me feel like I’m not alone and it wasn’t my fault.
The dynamics you describe actually go even deeper, in that Johnny (accurately described by Loretta’s father as a “big baby”) enjoys some secondary gain from being a victim of his mother’s narcissism. He never has to grow up or take responsibility or deal with intimacy.
Wow wow wo I dont know i just started crying. I’m struck.
Ive had this feeling with my mother that she wants me to be sick. Im starting to think if this has something to do with it. She makes me so small even though im 25 she wants to do everything. She embarres me in public too and it feels like im 12. She wants to fix everything and i feel so incapable. That trap metaphor really struck a cord because i feel im too small to escape whatever i am in. Its been going on for years and ive been depressed and burnt out several times. She told me that i should look sick when we go to the doctor. That i cant move away from her. But i love her. As in the text, it feelsl ike i would kill her if i left. Im sorry just rambling but im in some sort of shock. just needed to express myself and i dont have any friends left.
That’s a wonderful point, Diane – the roles become a way of life and there are certain ‘payoffs’ that we accommodate to and even nurture us in some (I would say) ultimately unhealthy way. Thank you for bringing this out, and for highlighting Loretta’s father’s so-pinpoint-accurate description of Johnny!
Thanks fragglerock! I couldn’t agree more with what you said: “Realization and acceptance are the hardest part.” Yes, because so much of what we’ve accepted has been a lie. Johnny’s mother certainly said she loved him, but was that really love? Perhaps love was in the mix, but it wasn’t the basis of their interactions, and that is such a hard truth to accept about a parent, male or female. Thank you so much for your comment!
Thank you for posting this. It’s an important step to begin to express the questions and doubts you might have. I’m so sorry to hear that the relationship with your mother has been so challenging for you. Just please remember that you have the same right of autonomy and self-determination that every other person has, and you can step away from the system your mother has created, and you can do it with love and good intentions and not have to be responsible to sacrifice yourself for her survival. Sending light and love.
I am so honored that my experience and words are blessed to be able to help you on your journey. That means so much to me, and helps transform all that pain into something meaningful and worthwhile. So, thank you for that! I LOVE that somehow the idea that your feelings aren’t wrong – and that became the key to your self-rescue. It’s too bad that artistic expression became part of the manipulative patterns, and I am just so happy for you that you’ve stood up for yourself and have the support of loving spouse and friends. I wish you so much success!
Absolutely! I just want there to be more awareness around this topic. I think a lot of people are suffering and causing others to suffer and have little to no understanding of why!
Thanks so much for this! Truer words haven’t been spoken:
“the energetic connection is real, and removing it, as necessary as it
may be, is like removing a crutch someone has grown dependent upon.
It sparks an enormous upheaval and rebalancing for both parties, and
yet it must be done in order to achieve greater health and freedom on
both sides.”
Yes! There is SO much suffering in silence. I know from my own journey. Thanks so much for helping others speak about this topic! xo
Thank you, SolSys, for your comment. And each story is unique. It sounds like you KNOW. xo
I was raised in a religious cult and cut ties with the family 3 years ago.
Loved this. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you ,Christine. My pleasure! xo
Wow, Jon. You have a story to tell. I wish you the best in sorting it all out and finding your own truth. xo, Reba
Loved this powerful post Reba and will share with my empathic community, as I know it will touch home with them. xx
Thank you, Lisa!
What if it isnt just one parent, but both of them at the same time? Can you call that narcissism?
To me that would seem more like parental tyranny as they are enforcing their values onto their children, they are living through their children and the child is not allowed to blossom.
Hi Ole, I really appreciate your comment. Yes, all those words, bondage, tyranny, domination – fealty is a word I used (like an indentured servant) – seem appropriate to me, even though someone else might think they are wildly overdramatic. These dynamics really happen, even if they are invisible to the outside eye. And, yes, I would also still call it narcissism as well, though a double dose. No one word will describe everyone’s experience. Let me know your thoughts. xo
Yes, but i also think it can go both ways. In a symbiotic / codependent fashion. I feel my parents are using me and “keeping” me for their own needs, but i allow this…..to survive i think, to cope with my reality. Its like we need each other……but i hope this is a myth and something i can maybe wake up from….i dont know.
I quite understand. I also tried to ‘fit’ with what was asked of me – it becomes a system that gives some form of nourishment – like an IV drip rather than a real feast, perhaps. It’ll keep you alive but it’s certainly not as good as it gets! You are so aware, and that is such a huge start. For me, it took me a long time to wake up to the truth – I couldn’t have done it when they were alive, for many reasons. We all just have to remember that we are doing the best that we can. Sending you good wishes on your journey.
I have never heard of or seen this movie you speak of, but I can relate to it. My parents divorced when I was just a toddler and I grew up w/2 brothers; one older and one younger. My older brother was a slacker and my little brother has ADHD/Autism/Bi Polar, so granted my mother had stress, but she also put stress on me as a young teenager to help her. Back in the 90’s, those disabilities my brother has were not so common as they are today, so treatment was harder. She expected me to take care of the house and my little brother everyday since she worked the night shift all the time. My older brother was always too busy getting high w/his friends. I had way too many expectations for a little 12 year old. But, as my little brother got older, he became a mama’s boy very much. I got older and rebelled b/c I felt very unappreciated. All my mother did was order me around, complain, and ask for rent money. When I was 22, I finally got a place to live and I moved out. She still would call me for help b/c she claims I owe her for supporting 3 kids on her own! lolol When I was 25, I met my now husband. He has his own auto shop and I decided to become an auto tech to help him. She asks us to fix her car whenever needed b/c that’s my mother and his mother-in-law and we’re family and she’ll pay us later! I’m 30 now and my mother lives in an assisted living apartment and my little brother is in a supervised apartment complex. My mother will call to come to our auto shop b/c she is bored, she wants to come visit our house on the weekend b/c she wants to be around family, she asks me to borrow money .. my little brother thinks our mother is righteous b/c she is our mother! No. She warped his mind. I think she is being punished now for all the mean things she did to me as a child/teen/young adult. I just wanted to share my story .. those who have a blessed mother are lucky 🙂
I love the analogy (IV drip) and I thank you for your responses.
I know how you feel bro. You just have to remember that despite everything, you only live once. You can’t let heavy feelings hold you back from living comfortably. Remember, life is made up up two things: time and energy. Don’t waste either of those on anyone or anything that isn’t worth it.
Great article, Reba, thank you for sharing the movie plot and your personal life experience… I too had a narcissistic father and for years was living to please him and be “good enough” for him. When I rebelled, it was not pretty and it took me years to become my own person and stop looking for external validation. Thank you for inspiring post.
Hi Justina, I am so sorry you had such a hard time growing up. It sounds like you were there for everyone, but no-one was there for you, and all children need that. I am really sorry. It is sad for you and for your mother as well, really – now she is alone and doesn’t have the relationship with you that she perhaps imagined was somehow her ‘due’ but which she did nothing to foster or deserve. It is too bad, too, that in all this, you also don’t get the support of your siblings because they are also stuck in their roles that got created by these dynamics – it’s such a loss, isn’t it?
I love Alice Miller’s “The Drama of the Gifted Child” which talks about how children are made to ‘perform’ for the parent’s ‘love’ and it explains how this dynamic is passed from one generation to the next. It’s fascinating and feels really true to me. Feel free to share your thoughts about what I’ve written, and best wishes on your journey. I’m so glad you found your way out of there! xo, Reba
Thank you, Millen, and I guess we share this in common! It is an amazing journey, isn’t it? I am so in awe of you that you became aware and stopped looking for external validation. That is such a huge accomplishment! xo, Reba
I’ve never seen the movie you described Reba, but you write beautifully about the similarities. I didn’t grow up in that type of environment, we had other issues, but I have come to believe “perfect” families are few and far between so most of us can appreciate childhood challenges even if they differ somewhat from our own experiences. Thanks you for having the courage to share your story as I’m sure it will help others.
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This article reminded me of my own upbringing. There was a lot of emotional abuse and for so long, I did feel like I had to live my life according to what my parents would approve of and support. I’m really curious to watch this film and see what you commented on. Thank you for sharing this post <3
I like how you say “due” b/c that is exactly what she expects from me and I think it’s quite disturbing. My little brother pays his dues by spending time with her often, involving her in his school/work/Bible study (he is disabled, but the state has certain jobs for disabled people), and he is not in the right state of mind to understand her games and she knows this, but still wants the attention. And I believe I have “emotional detachment” problems b/c I have a serious problem showing my feelings. My mother raised me w/3 rules of life: be independent, go to work, and never rely on a man. So emotional support and feelings were not expressed in my family. Only empathy for my disabled little brother. Just now at 30 years old, I am trying to learn how to be more vulnerable and emotional. And the fact that things can be passed on from generation to generation is true .. my grandma was not emotional either. How would a person learn to stop feeling guilty of expressing feelings and not embarrassed?
Hi Marie, I am glad the article resonated with you. The funny thing is the movie is widely accepted as a comedy, and the first time I saw it when it came out, I was swept up in the sheer romance and humor of it. Only this time it seemed to offer a more personal message – you know that feeling you sometimes get of something speaking directly to you – about the underlying familial dynamics. I’d love to hear how you like it! xo, Reba
Thanks so much, Marquita. I think what you say is true, ‘perfect families’ are few and far between. Mine was not that unusual nor was it the worst. Nonetheless, it’s taken me years to sort through my experience, and I am so happy if my story can help someone else. xo, Reba
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Hi Justina, I love your question: “How would a person learn to stop feeling guilty of expressing feelings and not embarrassed?” I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: we have to learn these things that are son natural to others. Nonetheless, they can be learned, and you are so aware and so asking the right questions and seeking answers. I do believe that in a deep place we already KNOW how to be loving, kind, tender and compassionate, we just need to unlock this information that hasn’t had much of a chance to develop in the real world yet. You are SO on the right path! Much love & encouragement, Reba
I’m still in the process of trying to break free. I still live with my parents so it is very hard ,every day dealing with the narcissism. I can say I have been taking steps to get out into the world, sleep over people’s houses, do the things I need to do for myself rather than being ball and chained.. I love them, but I cannot live controlled anymore. Thank you for this post.
Thank you, Crystal. xo, Reba
I recently read a book about toxic parenting and it resonated with me. My parents had high expectations for me but never showed me how to reach them. I had a script and if I went off of it then I would get guilt trips or they would remove their love. I was never taught to set goals and study just to achieve good grades and excel. Needless to say that I’m now in a funk. Middle age, recently lost my job and a deep depression with anxiety. I tried going to counseling but the system is broken, especially for those of us with no income. I’ve read several self help books about toxic parenting, PTSD & and codependency. I’m guilty of listening to everything my mother expected of me and when my father saw that then he also tried to guilt me into taking care of him. I recently realized that I have always taken care of someone else. As a child, I was taught to box by my father because my younger brother was constantly getting picked on and so I was his “bodyguard”. Looking back on my life, I feel that my time caring for him, then my mom and now my dad has been so draining that now I’m having medical problems. One day I decided to stop. I told my brother and mother that I was going to take care of myself and my own personal problems because things were starting to affect marriage. In regards to my father, I chose to no longer have contact with him. He was a violent man while we were growing up and I could no longer be around him. He never apologized for his violence because he feels he was right in punishing my mother in front of his children. I was so disappointed and angry with him that I was becoming physically ill (stomach pain and pain all over) and I stopped taking his calls, running errands for him, picking up his meds, paying his bills, etc. Both parents think it’s my duty to take care of all of them and think I’m being selfish but now I know that no one took care of me. I no longer have contact with my father, my brother stopped speaking to me because I no longer jumped through hoops to help him out and my mother lives with my spouse and me. It’s a struggle but we get through it because I’ve learned to set boundaries with her. I learned how to not react when she says or does something to try and draw me back in to her drama. She still jumps at the chance to help her son and ex husband out any way she can but I, and my wife,refuse to be sucked into it again. I’m 41 years old but after everything I’ve been through, personally and emotionally, I feel old. I’m slowly doing it, I’m learning to take care of myself because I was never taught as a child how to love myself. I was taught to play a role, to keep my parents happy, protect my brother, do well in school and never show my emotions and needs. I sometimes catch myself feeling guilty if I have fun but then I tell myself that I deserve it. I deserve to be happy too.
Dear Anonymous, You truly do deserve to be happy, and, like every other person, to have and feel ALL your other feelings, too: happy, sadness, pain, grief, and the gamut. You are a full human being with all the rights and privileges pertaining thereto – no matter what you’ve been taught or who says otherwise. I read your story and I have to tell you I feel what you’ve been through. The serving others, the having ‘no needs’ yourself. What hit me most was this “I feel old.” I felt that, too. So much. That’s the depression and despair speaking and, yes, the very real fatigue of living a life that is exhausting you, energetically. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. I’m getting younger each year as I learn to release more and more limiting beliefs. It can be done! It’s such a process and I can only wish you love, greater and greater self-love, and blessings of all kinds on your journey. You are as deserving as anyone else. I hope you continue to grow in your awareness of that and continue to find the help you need. I recommend Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child. You’ll feel like she is inside your head – amazing and life changing! Much luck and good wishes, Reba
Such an amazing article. I can relate as I have a narcissistic mother and no matter what I did as a child and now in my adult years will she accept me. Growing up my mother could do no wrong and I could do no right. I was always told to not upset my mother and my feelings were not even up for discussion. In fact my needs didn’t matter. Im free from it all now and living the life I want and I have made peace with it and like you Reba I had a grandmother who showed me what unconditional love is all about. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks so much, Melanie. I so get that about how one’s own needs didn’t matter. It’s sad that so many people have experienced this growing up. I am so glad that we are on the forefront of healing these wounds from the past. Our parents were wounded, too, only they just passed it along. xo, Reba
This post did resonate with me. I had a narcissistic dad, who tried to mold me into who he wanted me to be in athletics. It took me many years to let go of what he trained me to do and find what I truly wanted to do and who I really was. I’m thankful that I was able to realize all of this and make the necessary transitions in my 20s. It was hard to let go of what I was taught and molded into because I didn’t have confidence in anything else, but, thankfully, I had enough courage to explore other interests and gained confidence quickly. Like you, I have accepted my dad for who he is, but, unfortunately, he still doesn’t “get it” and continues to not see me for who I really am. Do you still experience that from your parents, and if so, how do you deal with it?
Thank you for this article, it was great!
Hi Cameron, Thank you, I’m so glad! And thank you for sharing a bit about yourself. It is so wonderful that you found the courage to explore who you really are and what you really desire, and that you gained confidence in that! To answer your question, my dad passed away a few years ago and while he was alive I believe he was never able to see me as full person or have empathy for my experience. He had his view of me and him and our relationship and he couldn’t deviate from that. Around the time he was dying there was a cartoon in The New Yorker magazine that depicted a bunch of relatives gathered around an elderly man’s deathbed. The man is pointing a bony finger at the assembled crowd and says “Just because I’m dying, don’t think I’ve mellowed!” That pretty much sums it up. While he was alive I couldn’t quite face the full extent of his not being able to see me, so I kind of labored on in the hopes that we had something like a real relationship. I tried very hard but it was a heartbreak in the end. I think kindness towards the parent is good, but more importantly, don’t look for or wait for a parent’s approval if you’re in this type of situation: live your life to the fullest. Pursue your dreams. Know that you are the star of your universe and the leading character in your story. I hope this helps. Love & light, Reba
Thank you, i needed to read this today. I knew how to break away – but then forgot for a while. This helped me to remember what I need to do to be authentic.
Hi Rooboo – You’re welcome. That’s the process:r remember, forget, remember again, until we KNOW! Keep being YOU! Much love, Reba
Thank you for replying and sharing all of that, Reba! Your words are validating to the work I’ve already started doing around living my life my way and not waiting for my dad’s approval. Love and light back at ya, Cameron
I can relate to this too. To cut story short. Born into a broken family. Mom was adopted and raised by adoptive family. For no good reason and only God knows why, she had depression when she was young. Matrimonial path only leads to despair. She was divorced twice. Mom fell into a mental breakdown. Disowned by her own parents,siblings, adoptive siblings and relatives. Forced to fend for ourselves ever since. ‘Love you mom, always’. Amen.
Wow, Maxy. I feel for you and I feel for your Mom. Thank you for sharing your story. Amen Amen to your love for her! xo, Reba
I feel so blessed to not to have had that experience. The movie looks great.
I love how you weave the story of the movie with your own life’s experience and life’s bigger lessons. Living our authentic selves is a journey for us all, isn’t it? It is so important to shed the blame, it is not our fault indeed and that is a liberating notion. I would also add that coming a a realization that it’s not our parents fault could be just as liberating, they did the best they can and loved us in the only way they could figure out with what they have. Doesn’t mean that we don’t get to break free and step away from abusive and harmful relationships but it does mean with do it with love and compassion for us and others.