“Stop worrying about pleasing others so much. Do more of what makes you happy.” ~Unknown
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you break away from your family. Right? We are all familiar with this. It happens when you turn eighteen, go off to college, and move out the house—and out of the state or country for some.
This is the expectation of society on the whole. Then what keeps us so bound to our families that we sometimes feel paralyzed, afraid of making the “wrong” decisions for our career, relationships, or simply how we choose to live?
Despite each of us eventually breaking through the normal cycle of leaving home and starting our own life, many of us still feel obligated to our family, more specifically our parents.
We feel like we have to choose a specific career path or be with a specific type of person for marriage and beyond. It’s like this unspoken obligation to please our parents, except we know that it can’t last forever and there’s got to be another way.
There is another way. And I know because I’ve been living through it over the past several years.
I was a rebellious child, mostly because my father was so strict and I wasn’t allowed to do anything—well, not much. (I’ll give him some credit, while other credit goes to my mother for allowing friends to come over on occasion.)
But rebellion doesn’t serve healthy relationships and is bound to transform into healthy independence and respect at some point. For some, it’s much later in life than others; I’ve spoken with several people in their late fifties who still feel obligated to their parents yet wildly rebellious and, thereby, resentful.
For me, it started with realizing that I value family. There’s no getting around that. I love my family. Period.
I also love myself, which means that there’s no way I’m going to give up my heart’s desires and dreams to acquiesce to what they think is best for my life, like I had to all throughout my childhood.
Yes, I’m a passionate woman who has a strong desire to break free of the practical way of living. And that’s exactly what I’ve done.
At the same time, I demanded and knew in my heart that true love, especially love between family members, ought to stand up to tests like this.
No doubt, it came with its price. There were several moments when I had to share my desires while lovingly holding space for my family to simply be. I came to them on several occasions over the last years (or they came to me and I opened up) with conscious decisions I made for my life.
Now, let me reiterate this: conscious decisions. If they weren’t conscious, there was no way I could have done this. So, I shared with them my conscious decision while I stood in the fire of their adverse opinions and reactions.
Standing in the fire means I held on to my desire and my love for family while I faced down their criticism. This was challenging. And it burned.
I could feel it all throughout my body. But because I had consciously decided with a strong intention of love and a knowing that it came from my heart, I was able to hold on to my center—no matter what.
I was able to stand there and let their criticism and opinions wash over me while remaining in a loving space. This would not be possible without that conscious choice.
Since then, even though it’s been a process and there are still many fires to stand in, it has been increasingly easier to simply be me and share my “unpractical path” with them. Their expectations are beginning to subside, as they realize that my life may be a bit unorthodox.
I love them anyway. Yes, you heard that right: I love them no matter how unorthodox my life is; therefore, I can influence them to drop their defenses and decide whether they’ll love or hate me because of the life I choose.
By standing up for myself in this way, I let go of any power they had over me and hand it back to them, giving them the option to continue loving me or not. Because I know that no matter what they choose, I’ll always love them.
Standing up for yourself isn’t an easy process. It’s especially hard when you’re trying to build a life for yourself that you actually love, because that’s the time when you most need support.
Holding on to the earnest vision that only good can come from standing in your heart’s desires, you’ll realize what true love really is, and it will completely reframe how you approach life and relationships.
Family often has no clue of the ties and chains they’ve placed on you; therefore, it’s important to come from a loving place when standing your ground and claiming your life.
They don’t know what they’re doing. Would you punish them for that? I wouldn’t. I didn’t. I chose to love them anyways, no matter what, the same way I desire to be love, no matter what.
Break free image via Shutterstock
About Paula Jones
Paula Jones is a life coach who supports young women in breaking free of the practical path, discovering their heart’s passion, and sharing their truth with the world. She loves to read, write, be in nature, connect with beautiful and amazing like-minded women, and spend time with her man and corgi pup. Visit her at HeartDrivenLife.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
This is a very good article. But what happens when you feel this “moral obligation” to help out on the finances? I love my mom, but paying for a private medical insurance is definitely putting a toll on my finances (~$550/month). I know that having this private insurance will provide her of a more comfortable experience if she (ever) gets treatment on anything –vs using public/social security. But I have these terrible guilt trips if I ever tell her that I’ll just stop paying for the medical insurance and that she’ll have to go to public/ss and I fear the whiplash from my siblings.
Are your siblings paying also? If not, they have no say.
We all support my mom (she lives in Mexico). My younger sister pays her rent (~$500/mo), my older brother pays for her out-of-pocket Dr visits and a bunch of other expenses, I pay for her private insurance (~$550/mo) and give her $150/mo for spending. I have 3 kids and we’re a single-income household. My sister has 1 kid, but double income. My brother has double income and no kids. But I have to say that I might be perceived as the one “who makes the better living” since I live in the US and my sis in Scotland and my brother in Mexico. I’ve thought about canceling the insurance and just give my mom $300/mo. But I cannot even think about how to do this…
But this doesn’t even address my guilt trips… Ugh…
You shouldn’t feel guilty though. You’re doing the best you can. You have a huge heart, that’s why you feel guilty. It’s your mom and you love her. If you can afford it, than it’s okay to pay. If you can’t, than you have to make a change. Before you can take care of anyone else you have to take care of yourself and make sure you are good. Living in the US doesn’t mean you are rich. Stay within your means. Hope things get better!
Wonderful Post. Loved reading about your journey to self love while accepting the challenge of Family Dynamic!
Hi Paula, this is a great article. I relate to it at so many levels. My mother has always tried to raise me the same way she was raised. We are from two different planets thought, but I still do love her. When I was younger all of her advice irritated me. Why couldn’t she accept me for me? Why was she trying to pick my career for me? There were so many things! As an adult, I understand her better now. I know she has wanted good things for me and the way she was acting was because of the way she was brought up. I can’t be mad at her. I make my own choices and have my future planned the way I want it. It’s my life after all. It took a long time but she does understand now.
Thank you! At some point in our lives we have to decide that we value ourselves enough to move beyond what they think should occur as well as move beyond how they’ll respond to our choices. I used to think that this only occurs with younger individuals but in my discussions with many women, breaking this family dynamic can be a struggle well into adult life. They either still make decisions with their family in mind or they hide themselves from their family completely. It’s both of these dynamics that I feel are very important to break free of. No need to hide oneself and certainly no need to make decisions for oneself that aren’t fulfilling. Thank you for your perspective!
Thank you!
So true! You’re welcome. =)
I’d suggest simply exploring this “moral obligation” and your feelings around it. You always have a choice. If you truly don’t feel good doing this and providing this gift for her, then it would be in your and her Highest interest. Doing something out of unexamined guilt/moral obligation leads to it being an act tainted with that guilt. Instead, choose to get clear. Clear the guilt and do the act with love. Or clear the guilt and choose to not do the act. Either way – clear the guilt. How you feel is important for your well-being and hers no matter the decision. Does that help? Many blessings! <3
My mom made a lot of sacrifices to get us all to be where we are today. Wouldn’t all those sacrifices she made warrant my own sacrifices?
I love the tone of this article, but am dealing with a situation that I have a hard time approaching from a place of love. I’ve stood up for myself and even expressed the chains they’ve put on me. But when I did, they retaliated, and were entierly unaccepting of my choices and decisions. They resorted to the usual name calling and guilt tripping and making ultimatums that I’m not willing to give in to. Since those ultimatums place me in a position where I’d be losing the freedoms and forfiting the choices I’ve made for myself towards the life i want to live.
How to you stay in a place of love when they refuse to accept me for me? While they try and control me (like my entire upbringing) by trying to emotionally manipulate me?
I would start with going inside. Be still. Emotional serenity within oneself on the subject is key. When you get calm, go inside, and ask for Divine Guidance you’ll be led to exactly what you need to do, which may or may not be what you expected. Furthermore, I highlight the importance of a *conscious* decision. Have you thought through your choices completely? Have you hashed out everything you need to hash out? When you come from this clear, conscious place, there’s great power and grounded energy that naturally arises as you courageously take a stand. If you feel easily impacted by them, perhaps there is still a piece left unexamined that needs to be strengthened through personal reflection. Does this help? Many blessings!! <3
No. Not necessarily. You don’t owe her anything. Those were decisions that she made for you. Did you sign a contract at birth or at the time of those decisions that said when you’re a grown man you’ll owe her one? Unless you did, you don’t owe her anything.
That doesn’t mean be heartless. I encourage a deep exploration of your intention, motivation and feelings to ensure that you come from a clear and conscious place rather than simply reacting from fear.
Yes, thank you. My decisions have been very consious. I’ve thoroughly examined them and if I was willing to accept the consequences of them and I am.
My impact is more in the shape of frustration that the acceptance isn’t mutual. That it seems they refuse to love me for me. That is when the anger boils over. But I’ll spend more time in introspection.
Thank you.
Honor that anger, for sure! It’s not easy choosing to live life one way and then family not accepting or understanding. It is hurtful. It stings deeply, yet that’s exactly where the work is. Being able to stand in the sting of anger while holding to your conscious decisions. Wishing you the best!
You don’t know the dynamics of Latin American families, mothers and guilt trips… It’s not that easy. You look at it with a different set of specs.
You’re totally right! Culture is huge! And I don’t come from that culture, so I don’t deal with that challenge. I wish you the best of luck!
I think your situation is tough and I think I can relate because I’m Latino too (I’m assuming you’re) and we all know how Latino mothers can get when their kids don’t take as good care of them as they think you should. I don’t yet take care of my mother financially as I’m quite young (25), but I feel the time will come, and moreover she keeps it mentioning it in very ‘subtle’ ways.
I don’t know what would happen if I were to tell my mom that I could not pay her private insurance. She’d probably accept it but be very disappointed at me not giving her the ‘sort of life she deserves’, and proceed to every so often make a remark here and there. The sort of which can be very hard to bear. It’s tough, plus you have the sibling’s opinion to take into account. We can all go on about how we should not worry about what other people say about ourselves, but it’s not always so easy, specially in family related situations.
My heart goes out to you!
Thanks Jay, I really appreciate it. Yes, it is the expectation of the family –that the children will take care of the mother. And yes, I think she would accept it, but I can see how on our future talks, issues like “I was there for 3 hours before anyone could see me” will arise. Same goes for my brother, pointing out how the public clinic is not as nice as the private one… So yes, it is hard. Thanks again.
Hmm. I kind of feel like I’ve been going through this since college. When I was in college I thought I wanted to go to law school. And since parents love to brag, my mother would always say to her friends and family members that I’m going to law school. Deep down I didn’t really want to go to law school, but I didn’t say anything until she finally asked me if I wanted to go to law school. But by then, it was too late for me to change my major. Now, I’m working on getting my teaching certification, but I really want to teach abroad for at least a year. I just feel like right now, I need to be on my own and figure things out for myself, but I fear that my parents won’t really go for that idea so I just don’t tell them. And I mean, I don’t want them to be disappointed, but I just want them to realize that I’m 24 and can make my own decisions.
With all due respect to Paula I disagree… you owe them everything. I am ethnic as well and the dynamic of ethnic families is very different then typical American culture. I was born in the united States and my parents came here for a better life for my brother and I. They made huge sacrifices and most ethnic parents live for their children. It’s a different mentality. Love is blind and in my opinion you must overlook finances when it comes to family. I know it’s difficult to pay the payments and I think it’s ok to discuss this with your mother that financially it’s tough for you right now. This may be better than just stopping the payments. I hope that helps buddy.
ts, thanks. I was not really sure how to articulate this, but you beat me to it 😉 If I went to my brother and my sister and told them that I would stop paying the insurance because I owed nothing to my mom since I had not signed a contract at birth, they would disown me. I’d be the heartless arrogant bastard in the family –both immediate and extended. I also agree with the point that Paula, with all due respect, generalizes in this article on this situation by not mentioning once that cultural background is a huge differentiator. We live in a globalized world.
Regardless of the Latino vs american angle that might be going on here, I believe that saying that we don’t owe our parents nothing is a bit… heartless. I don’t mean to attack the author here, and, besides, she’s technically correct. Moreover, I’m Latino and I used to think that way too, and, in all honesty, whenever my family makes remarks about how I will be taking care of my mother regardless of how I might feel about it, I DO get annoyed. I mean, what gives? Don’t I technically have a say?
I’ll be upfront and state that upon inner examination it seems I do believe we have a moral obligation towards our parents, but it annoys me 🙂 With moral obligations, following through is hard because with it makes us feel angry. Who wants to be ‘obliged’? The question then is, how would any of us feel if we were to refuse to support to our parents? Let’s be real now. Probably not that great, and that’s probably true for all cultures.
Just my two cents, or rather, some spare, random change 🙂
I admire your attitude. 🙂
wow good to hear
Hi Paula,
This is very true. It’s really hard to convince parents in many situations. The best thing to do is give everything some time. Time will heal a lot of problems. In the beginning it will be especially difficult as everyone would be criticising as u have mentioned and no-one really understands what we are going through without support. But eventually they understand. They do criticise every now and den, but that’s fine. They are family members after all, they are just concerned about our lives and they have the right and love to do it. We should be matured enough to handle their ignorance at some point too. And all this time we should hold on to the belief that life is gonna be better soon and all this hardship is for our happiness which is worth fighting for. This article is framed really well. The best part is it hasn’t shown parents in a wrong light nor did it advice us to let things go. It gave a vibe of positivity and encourages us to solve issues instead by making a conscious decision. Looking forward for your new articles.
Regards,
Manju.
Thank you, Ankit!
Manju,
I appreciate your perspective and praise! TinyBuddha released an article on communication I recently wrote, if you’d like to check it out. Much love! <3
I can relate to this article on so many different levels. My mom was forcing me to attend college in a different city, and according to her, she wanted me to experience what life was like, when I’m standing on my own two feet. Enough was enough, so I stood up for myself, by letting my mom know that I was in control of my own destiny, and capable of making my own decisions. If she couldn’t accept my decision, I didn’t know what else to tell her. I feel that she will NEVER understand what if feels like to be a college student, which includes the high cost of tuition, textbooks, food, and room and board. I was able to cut corners, by saving money, so it was cheaper for me to live off campus, work a full-time job, and attend classes as a full-time student. Besides, I’m NOT a people pleaser when it comes to my family.
I understand that parents want what’s best for their children. I get that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to control your own destiny, and do what makes you happy.
I guess the question is how to conduct this ‘deep exploration of your intentions, motivations and feelings’. For me it is almost impossible to do alone; I end up wrestling with myself about what really is best and get entangled with other people’s opinions. Even speaking to therapists seems to end up challenging rather than affirming my feelings about about my own future.
What about the inhumane exceptions of always being strong? Never showing any weakness or asking for help, then when you do, you will be told “you made your bed, now you sleep in it.” No room for mistakes? How about being alone without a relationship or date for over ten years, then being told “stop pouting, you just need a man.” What about when having a feeling, any normal feeling, terming that feeling as exaggeration from others because they are not used to someone expressing anything, what about smiling non-stop and if not thinking about everything positive, being told to change your perception. And my age? This is the sad part, I am in my late forties, and have never felt so controlled having to live up to some expectations that are not so much difficult or hard to meet, it is the inhumane or dehumanizing part of it, not expecting me to need anything or anyone but always miraculously being okay without needing a thing, because apparently, I have been life long blessed with being utterly and totally perfect which was a role since young and got worse with age. Then what do you do? It is a real chore to live up to such great expectations, where they go above being human yourself.