“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~Unknown
Heartbreak. I have never felt anything as torturous.
It’s been just over a year since my first real heartbreak, and finally, after more pain and tears than I can describe, I have started to move on.
The loss of a love you believed to be true can leave you feeling shattered. No matter how independent you believed you were, and how many positive things everyone else believes about you, you may feel like the better half of everything you know has disappeared.
This is what I felt. In the first few weeks after the breakup I could barely get out of bed. I would spend my time sobbing and convincing myself that the pain would never go away. How could it?
How could I have been so wrong about something I believed in with every inch of my soul? How could I continue living after I had found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with—and lost him?
I used to think of myself as a confident, outgoing person, but one single loss and I had not a shred of self-esteem left. And the thought of being around people and acting happy made me crawl back into bed and cry.
It hasn’t been pretty. Breakups and any form of significant loss deprive us of the sanity and rationality we would previously have been proud of.
Here are some things I had to learn about how to move past the abyss.
The First Few Weeks After Loss
Cry. Be sad. Feel the pain.
The best advice I got at this time—the only advice that actually helped, in fact—was that breakups suck, and there’s nothing you can do but give the wound time to heal.
At this point in time you are not expected to believe your best friend who is saying that everything is going to be okay, or your cousin who thinks it’s for the best. Eventually, these loving intentions will be priceless, but for now, just accept the pain.
That Ray of Light & Hope When Your Heart Hurts Just a Little Less
Eventually, the pain will start subsiding. You will realize that your puppy did something goofy and laugh, or that there is a particularly lovely flower in your garden, or that your morning coffee actually tastes good.
Look out for these moments, as they will make you whole again over time.
When you realize that you can actually feel something other than pain again, even if for just a few seconds, try to become more observant. Start looking out for the beauty around you. There is beauty.
One of the positive sides of having your heart shattered into a million pieces is that as it comes together again, you can gain a new perspective on life.
Take a minute to observe the beauty in the simplest things around you, which you may have previously taken for granted, and you’ll be surprised at how much you’ve been missing out on. I sure was.
At this time your friends will start expecting you to get better and become the social bestie they miss. Don’t push yourself. It is okay to want to stay home and watch a movie instead of going out. You are the only one who knows what’s best for you.
Starting to Move (Crawl) On
At some point, something deep down inside of you will say it’s time to start moving on. Now it gets challenging! At this point, you should start to push yourself.
Be honest, and once you know it’s time, go for it. You don’t need to spend the night out partying—start slowly. Accept an invitation for a meal or a coffee date with a friend. If possible, make your own way there so that you’ll know that you can leave if you feel uncomfortable.
This step is crucial, but you won’t feel like doing it. My therapist (to whom I am forever grateful) practically had to supervise me as I made my first plans with a friend. It’s hard, but once you know it’s time, please push through.
It’s okay to go to the bathroom and cry in between the starter and the main course, and again between the main course and desert if you need to. Eventually, you’ll only need one break. And with time, you’ll start enjoying yourself again—as long as you take the first painful steps!
Months On—Should I Be Healed?
For me, the healing process took quite a while. About nine months in, I moved to a different country. My life was practically turned upside down, and every day was a new adventure with amazing new people.
I even met a guy who I had a short-lived, casual relationship with. Although there was nothing real involved, it was a huge pace forward considering that a few months earlier, the thought of being with anyone else literally made me sick to my stomach.
In spite of all this, I couldn’t stop thinking of my ex. We talked almost every day, and he was still a huge part of my life. I realized I was holding myself back and that I would never truly move on if I kept talking to him, so I stopped.
I still didn’t completely move on. Over the Christmas break I found out he was seeing someone else, and it felt like we were breaking up all over again. These feelings were amplified by the thought that I should have moved on by then. I was beating myself up for going back to that dark place, even though I thought I was healed.
Finally Breaking Free
Moving on from things that bring me down has become a much easier process, so within a couple of weeks I was feeling better. This time I also realized that I no longer had any interest in my ex.
Finally, I was free from the rollercoaster that had ruled my life for the past year.
If you’re at the stage when you feel you should have moved on by now, don’t make things worse for yourself by worrying about it. You will move on eventually. You can help yourself to get to that point but you can’t force it.
I was at a party yesterday, and for the very first time since my ex, I met a guy I actually liked. That kind of liking that makes you feel like you’re in high school again.
We smiled at each other across the room and blushed as we met. Nothing came of it, and I doubt I’ll ever see him again, but I’ve spent the day feeling grateful. I survived the darkest period of my life so far, and now my heart is smiling again!
What are you going to do today to survive and flourish?
Heartbreak image via Shutterstock
About JD KM
JD loves travelling and learning. She graduated in economics but has always been fascinated by the way the human brain works, so she’s now studying psychology. She has recently discovered the power of mindfulness and gratitude, and has also discovered a newfound love for dogs after adopting her adorable puppy last year.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
It is so true JD. As you said, after a heartbreak, you don’t need to “make things worse for yourself by worrying about it. You will move on eventually.” It took me a good 4 years for me to really get over a relationship and throughout that time I struggled to make sense of everything.. and then eventually I came to see the light and have learned so much from relationships that I wrote about the lessons I’ve learned to overcome the break up blues. One lesson that have served me well is to see when a relationship ends as not a break up but as complete, that whatever ‘purpose’, that we were supposed to serve in each other’s life is complete.
Such a soothing email . But , the thought how could she do it to me , keeps lingering around. is she happy ? all those kind of thoughts just bogs me down.
very nice post. I am able to connect myself with this situation. And I am still trying my best to move forward. But its really difficult to forget everything, the yrs and time we lived or spent together.
Thank you once again for sharing this post!
I have found it incredibly hard to move on from a lost love because there was no “closure”. We never really talked about what happened & I will always wonder about it. He’s married now so I won’t contact him. But it sure is hard to really move on……..
A broken heart heals as time goes by a broken dream is forever shattered. I’ve yet stop crying ever since the break up. It’s been 4 years now. I gave up a lot for him but he cheated on me. This is a blessing as most people would thought. However, I find no reason to stop myself crying. I learned to smile in the day but I cry alone at night. I have a broken dream that cannot be talked about. My dream to have family, be a wife and be mom not longer be real when my age is approaching 40 and begin to lose interest in relationship.
Its been almost two months since my X and I broke up. For two years she would randomly get all upset and treat my son and I like crap and then threaten to leave. I gave her chance after chance and when I found out she was secretly looking for another place to live I said enough. My son and I deserved better than to be emotionally abandoned over and over again. Even though I did what was right for my son and I, I feel a deep sense of loss and very alone. I’ve been fighting off the depression the best I can but its really hard
Xenograma: My heart goes out to you, however you have to move on. This was beautiful article for me, I am so proud of myself of where I am at and for the first time in my life I am on my own and I don’t feel lonely. (I will be 50 years old this year) I have been suffering from co-dependency all my life and once I woke up this I started on working on the most important relationship of my life, the one with myself!
I will be celebrating my birthday this year in Thailand, I cannot express to you how excited I am. You deserve happiness in your life, pleas start with yourself!
“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
Mark Twain
Thank you so much for this, JD. Reading this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I just ended a relationship with someone I care deeply about, and it’s been the hardest break up I’ve ever gone through…I’m still in shock it’s over. In many ways, I felt like I ran away out of fear, which is a hard reality to swallow. I’m just trying to feel all my feelings now…let them come through. I feel grateful at times that I can feel anything…and that I actually had something to lose. Letting go is emotionally and physically hard. All I want to do is see him…talk to him, and I can’t. I know this is a time to grow and learn….Thanks so much again.
Appreciate your love for what is was and move on. Especially since he has. We don’t need closure, we need to understand. We need to grow. You never know who else is out there! Life is too short!
This shows that you have a heart! You know it wasn’t good for you. You’ll meet other women! There are plenty of amazing women out there! Don’t look back… look forward.
It hurts because we basically put our heart in the other persons hands. We don’t expect for them to hand it back to us broken. This is a part of life though. This is a part of growth. As we heal, we become stronger. We find ourselves. We LOVE ourselves. If we know deep down inside that breaking up is the best thing for us, isn’t it a blessing? This means that we can find someone else that vibes with us better, understands us better. In some cases it can mean we can have a healthy relationship. I’m saying it’s how we want to see it and what we take from it. All about our perception.
Also, I know a lot of women who leave one relationship and jump into another. They point out all of the flaws the man had. They don’t take the time to reflect on themselves. It’s easy to point out the next persons flaws very hard to look at yourself and see your shortcomings. This is the only way to change into a better person though.
After I moved on, I began to heal. Of course it took a long time, it’s only natural. Being alone has been amazing for me. I am not lonely, I am alone. I do not rely on any man to make me happy, I make myself happy. I will not settle for a mediocre relationship. I am not dependent on anyone. If I happen to meet someone who blows my mind, I will go for it. I’m still living, I am not stuck. Life is too short for that. Love yourself people! <3
The only person in your way is you. What does your age have to do with anything? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Love yourself!
I’m trying REALLY hard to look forward. I don’t even want her back, I just wish this empty feeling inside me would subside. After being there for my son and my dog(they were innocent victims in all of this…my dog has finally stopped looking for her) I’m having trouble being there for myself. I feel a lot of guilt for their pain.
Give yourself a break, it’s only been two months! Like a fresh wound. You shouldn’t feel guilty for their pain, you didn’t hurt them. This is out of your hands. Why don’t you do nice things with them? It will be good for you and them. Do nice things for yourself as well! Things like: self-care, art, nature, etc. Things that make us feel good =)
Trust me, I have been doing lots for them.
Yourself too!
This article was great. I am about 6 months away from our break-up after 7 years. We have a son together, so no contact is a really difficult thing to do since he still sees his son and we have to interact for the sake of co-parenting. It’s even more difficult since he was my best friend. I still find it hard to not just text him about all the small things throughout my day. To make it even harder he quickly moved on and moved his new gf and her daughter into the house we made a home for 5 years just 5 days after we moved out. I suspect they cheated before the break-up, but I have to witness him living this life while I am still sad and broken over the lose of my family. Every day is a struggle. I feel like a zombie at times, like I am just walking around with a mask on hiding how deeply hurt and sad I am. I have a son that I have to raise and i love more than life. I have a job that i have to function at. I am in school. And each day I get up and make myself put on a face and a smile. I know eventually the smile will be more and more real. But right now I am hurt. I miss him everyday. I miss our family everyday. I miss what could have been. And what i felt should have been. In the end it will be for the best. Not everything in our relationship was great. And I will accept it and move on. Slowly. The crying still happens. The pain i feel in my heart will subside. I will find my happiness again. I even made plans with a girlfriend last night when I normally would have isolated myself in my apartment like i have for the last 6 months. I wish people lived up to the expectations we have for them. To treat others how they want to be treated. To love and not hurt.
I’m sorry for your pain. I’m right where you are at. Putting on the smile for work and my son and trying to do EVERYTHING while secretly dying inside. You are not alone.
Thank you for this heartfelt, mindful, compassionate piece.
I find strength in it for so many friends of mine who are here,
At this present life change. Your light salutes hope …. Nicole
teorristobehuman: I am so pound of you! The relationship with ourselves is the most important one because if we keep on expecting other people to please us, we will always be disappointed. Image if everyone would believe that they are strong enough and don’t other people to survive! World would be a better place.
Wow – what a journey! I am happy that you went through this and learned about yourself. Without pain you won’t recognize happiness. Heartbreak I think it is associated with survival. I think we think we depend on other people because since we were babies we couldn’t take care of ourselves. But then you grew up and can take care of ourselves, but don’t know we can do that. We need to trust ourselves that better days are ahead and all experience just showing us how would that feel. I think that after such a journey there will be a day when you see true happiness in your life, and you will recognize it, because now you know what loss and pain is. I know great things ahead for you! Thank you for sharing such a great article!
Step 1- the introspection/reflection stage – “I felt like I ran away out of fear”
Step 2- the self-awareness stage – “feel all of my feelings”, “grateful …had something to lose”
Step 3- the learning stage – “time to grow and learn”
You’re going in the right direction! For the times you want to “see him, talk to him”, remember that this time is yours to redefine yourself, to ask yourself why you exited the relationship, that is, what are those fears? where are they rooted? and fast forward to step 3, what can you do to overcome those fears?
One of the hardest things I ever had to do was leave a relationship out of fear. Fear of failure, I thought. But didn’t I fail by default?
Fear will always be present. We fear what we do not know. But what if we knew ourselves? What if we told ourselves, I do not know what will happen, but I KNOW myself, and I KNOW I have what it takes to move forward. Maybe it won’t be at the pace you want to go at, but know that you will move forward – just like you have before. And if you don’t know that about yourself, then you did the right thing to find yourself again.
Thank you for your kind words & wisdom on this subject. I believe I have met someone wonderful recently & I am trying to move forward. But the past does intrude sometimes……….
People talk about heartbreak like it’s something to “get over”, like one gets over an illness. Over 2 years out from being dumped from a 25-year relationship, I’ve realized it’s more like an amputation. With time I may adapt, but that part of me will always be missing.
“The root of suffering is attachment.” Buddha
Thanks Lolita, I have grown more in 2 years of being on my own than a 9 year marriage with a narcissistic and a 4 year relationship with a borderline personality, at the end of the day, I enable everything that happen in my life and to have boundaries for the first time, it’s quite the feeling!!!
My heart goes out to anyone going through the pain of waking up to a new reality however please know this, it will pass!!!
From gratitude. 🙂
This article really helped me put my feelings I couldn’t into perspective. We ended things after 6 years and we had been engaged and living together the last year and half. I feel like everything reminds me of him, even my job and I’ve had to move back home to Kent. Most of our friends have taken his side so even friends I’ve lost has made me feel like I am starting again. It’s been hard and I feel so lost but I know ultimately the last year we haven’t been happy. I’ve learnt that when we break up we have such a rose tinted view of the relationship instead of a realistic one. For us it was seeing that we argued at most occasions, my birthday I cried, our anniversary I cried etc etc. I wanted to end things in January but he kept saying no then he decided that he wanted to end things and that was it.. It had to be on his terms and it made me see him in a whole new light. He made me leave our place and cut me off from all our friends and when I needed him for support in the last month after the break up due to losing my dad he just refused. I couldn’t believe this man who I thought I had my life with could be this heartless. I trusted him and thought he was someone he wasn’t. It is killing me and I wake up with that emptiness every day however I am starting to see that I had a lucky escape and I am thankful this happened before we got married had children etc. It doesn’t make it easier but I am hoping in time I will realise I am happier and better off without him but it doesn’t make it any easier seeing someone in a whole new light 🙁
Oh DJ, thank you for your honest article. I know there is nothing worse than having that sick feeling in your stomach day in and day out. You feel the world has ended and you don’t want to get out of bed. Especially when they say, “no it is not you, it is me. I just don’t want a relationship right now” …but end up back in their ex’s arms days later. Nothing worse than feeling like ‘rebound girl’. I found for me keeping myself busy and joining classes and meeting new people helped me so much. Sure, I would sit on the sofa with a tub of ice cream but not for long. I am lucky to have an amazing network of close friends and family who are my rock! Finding your self-worth and love for yourself is so important. After all, in the end all you have is yourself.
Wow! Love the quote! Thank you
Thank you, Peace Within. I am finding your responses to people in need on here inspirational too! Peace and Love!
My problem is that my ex and I have a child together and I have to see her weekly and communicate with her via email, texts and phone calls to arrange visitation and I can’t even stand to write her name on the child support check because it only brings back a vision of her and all she has done. This makes it very hard to move on. She left me for her lover whom she cheated on me with and moved in with him straight from our home. He is a very successful, handsome, healthy man whereas I’m none of those things. She now looks down on me with contempt. I have to live with this until our child turns 18….13 more years. I have made much progress through meditation and reading, learning and practicing the Buddhist Path but its been slow and difficult and except for my health, its is the only real painful issue I have. Still, it is a good article and I appreciate it. I won’t give up though….nothing else has helped like practicing the Dhamma.
I hear you. I’ve been a single Dad for 5 years now and I still can’t stand to see her face. When I come to get my son I turn my face to the side and can’t even look at her.
Thank you for sharing your story .It is not easy to make a new path ,walk on it and accept life as it moves into different direction but it has more beautiful days if we forget the past and keep it just a memory .
CCJC: Thank you!!! That is so helpful to hear! 🙂
I’m glad to hear that you’re better now! It doesn’t matter how long it takes, as long as you get there eventually! I love your way of considering it ‘complete’ – it emphasises that we should learn from these experiences! Thank you for sharing.
JDKM
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way – the phase when your mind keeps spinning in circles trying to understand why – or how she could do that is a tough one. I’d recommend that you take care of yourself, and try and take breaks from thinking about it (as much as possible) because with a little distance you’ll get new perspectives and be able to start making sense of things, and accepting them more. As for the her being happy part, I would say, hope she is, but realise it’s not your responsibility anymore – wish her well in your brain, but don’t dwell on this anymore. Hang in there, it will get better!
JDKM
Hi Upma.
I don’t think you ever really forget as the relationship was a significant aspect of your life for a long time. I don’t think the aim is forgetting either – it’s good to remember that you are able to love someone else so deeply, and all the lessons you learnt from the person and being with them. The aim is to remember while accepting that it is something of the past – and being comfortable with that notion. Make sure to take care of yourself, and with time it will hurt less and less!
JDKM
Words of wisdom, Peace Within! Understanding and acceptance are key! Thank you for your words!
JDKM
Hi Sabina! I am so happy for you, that you met someone wonderful! Don’t worry too much about the past affecting your present – try to recognise the lesson when you start thinking of the past, then make an effort to move away from that and appreciate the present moment. I found that making a daily mental list of everything I was grateful for in that day helps me stay more present!
JDKM
I’m still broken – though with some of the pieces glued together in a rough facsimile of a heart – 25 years later.
Hi Db!
I agree with Peace Within, it’s only been 2 months since a devastating shift in your life took place! This is part of the message I wanted to get across in my blog – don’t beat yourself up about not being completely healed yet! You are such a brave person, to have recognised that someone was treating you badly, took a stand against it, and are now caring for your son and dog! Appreciate this about yourself, and try to find time to start doing things that make YOU feel better – think of one thing you like about yourself every day, do some activity you enjoy. Improving yourself will also make you a better person for your son, so try to overcome the feelings of guilt (as they are unwarranted!) and by accepting the current pain while keeping positive, you will slowly start overcoming the depression and loneliness!
You did the right thing and were very brave. Things will only get better from here!
JDKM
This is all such great advice Peace Within! Couldn’t have said any of it better myself! I especially agree with what you said about getting stronger as we heal! Thank you for sharing!
JDKM
Thank you so much for your feedback and encouraging words!
JDKM
Hi Hookchick! I’m sorry you’re struggling, 25 years is a long time! Your view about a break-up being like an amputation is very strong, but also remarkably true. When you break-up with someone, you don’t just lose the person, you lose dreams, plans, a future, and unfortunately, part of yourself too. However, I do believe that there is so much to life and living that losing parts of ourselves does not make us any less whole, not in the long run anyway. Adaptation is important – and although accepting life without the other person in it might feel like settling at the moment, if you keep working on yourself and keep positive, then with time you will find that the part that was missing is still gone, but has been replaced with so many other great things that it doesn’t matter anymore. I wish you strength and healing – hang in there!
JDKM
tell me one person who has never cheated after making a commitment to something or not seeing it through or who has never made a mistake. our society put too much emphasis on the drama of relationships. the urge procreate is tremendous.and that is an understatement the sex drive is what as let us to survive. without it it would be no life. Someone lying about sex with another or simply caught doing it makes them no less a person. Explaining is not excusing here. A lie is a lie. You and I have lied. Stolen. Cheated at something. And expecting that the sex drive is now removed because of a lifetime COMMITMENT that is ridiculous in itself, job interviews ask you where you see yourself in 5yrs….ever have a prediction that was accurate? Learn to forgive Others. And more important. Forgive yourself for unrealistic. Expectations
I’m going through a break up. I’m 25 and she is 36. We met about four months ago through a good friend. It’s his sister so I’ve known the family for quite some time now. She has 3 children and has been divorceds for (now the truth came out) less than a year. At first she told me it was more than two years. So, we spent the night together one night and she was very pushy on the sexual part but no sex. I thought it was very fast. Later on, a few weeks pass, and I tell her she(and we) are moving too fast. She agreed but wanted to keep on going. Those were her words. We began making love and were connected. We both are the same religion. And I finally felt like I had met the one. I still do. But, about a month ago we decided to break it off and just be friends because she is living with her parents and they are OVER OVER protective of her and her kids. I understand that. I get it. But, her father is a Pastor, the typical Baptist type, and he told her that he didn’t want us to be emotionally attatched. She respects her parents more than anything in the world. So it’s a roller coaster. One day we talk about the future and possibilities. The next day she ignoring me, won’t answer her phone, calls me starts an intellectual convo about our relationship then suddenly has to go because she doesn’t want her family or anyone to know we are talking. We became friends to simmer down her family and friends, church etc. But now today she calls and tells me don’t let me hold you down. Go on a date if you fin someone. But, yesterday we were cuddling and kissing, I bought her roses and chocolate. Now, it’s a roller-coaster. Her father said the Holy Spirit told him that God didn’t want us together. Her parents are strict on the age thing. I don’t think it matters. I am in love with her. I’ve been with many woman and she is diferent. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like l;ife is pointless without her. I know I can’t have her whole life. She has her parents top deal with and she has kids. I don’t mind them. I’m meeting with her father Monday to talk. I’m scared, sad, uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy anything, I stay thankful(always), I can’t handle these things and her texting me and calling me never makes me feel any better. I rarely get to see her except weekdays and I don’t have much time after work. She keeps bringing up she doesn’t thi9nkk her parents would ever approve us getting married because we are ten years apart but I think her parents should let her do what makes her happy. She is 36! What should I do? I need help. Please. It seems she always has to be in control of where our relationship is. I’ve been sooo patient and gentle. I don’t ever want to loose it. ADVICE ADVICE. I know this was long but someone please and thank you for listening.
I’m going through a break up. I’m 25 and she is 36. We met about four months ago through a good friend. It’s his sister so I’ve known the family for quite some time now. She has 3 children and has been divorceds for (now the truth came out) less than a year. At first she told me it was more than two years. So, we spent the night together one night and she was very pushy on the sexual part but no sex. I thought it was very fast. Later on, a few weeks pass, and I tell her she(and we) are moving too fast. She agreed but wanted to keep on going. Those were her words. We began making love and were connected. We both are the same religion. And I finally felt like I had met the one. I still do. But, about a month ago we decided to break it off and just be friends because she is living with her parents and they are OVER OVER protective of her and her kids. I understand that. I get it. But, her father is a Pastor, the typical Baptist type, and he told her that he didn’t want us to be emotionally attatched. She respects her parents more than anything in the world. So it’s a roller coaster. One day we talk about the future and possibilities. The next day she ignoring me, won’t answer her phone, calls me starts an intellectual convo about our relationship then suddenly has to go because she doesn’t want her family or anyone to know we are talking. We became friends to simmer down her family and friends, church etc. But now today she calls and tells me don’t let me hold you down. Go on a date if you fin someone. But, yesterday we were cuddling and kissing, I bought her roses and chocolate. Now, it’s a roller-coaster. Her father said the Holy Spirit told him that God didn’t want us together. Her parents are strict on the age thing. I don’t think it matters. I am in love with her. I’ve been with many woman and she is diferent. I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like l;ife is pointless without her. I know I can’t have her whole life. She has her parents top deal with and she has kids. I don’t mind them. I’m meeting with her father Monday to talk. I’m scared, sad, uncomfortable, I don’t enjoy anything, I stay thankful(always), I can’t handle these things and her texting me and calling me never makes me feel any better. I rarely get to see her except weekdays and I don’t have much time after work. She keeps bringing up she doesn’t thi9nkk her parents would ever approve us getting married because we are ten years apart but I think her parents should let her do what makes her happy. She is 36! What should I do? I need help. Please. It seems she always has to be in control of where our relationship is. I’ve been sooo patient and gentle. I don’t ever want to loose it. ADVICE ADVICE. I know this was long but someone please and thank you for listening.
I’m having a real hard time with this. It was 5 years ago that I got divorced after a 15 year marriage. I’m feeling like I’m just repeating the same patterns. I thought I would be stronger because of what I have been through. Truth is, I’m not and it scares me.
Sais, thank you for sharing your experience. I can see the pain you are going through – it sounds like it’s been a very difficult time. However, I can also sense your strength and the fact that you are thinking very rationally about the break-up – these two aspects make me sure that you will heal and come out of this stronger than before.
I agree with you about our rose-tinted view of relationships when we were in them. Part of what you said also reminded me of my situation, because toward the end, I used to end up crying on occasions when I should have been happy too (like my birthday and new year’s eve). Also, it seemed that whenever I wanted to end things he wouldn’t hear of it, but when he decided it couldn’t work, that was that. It is extremely hard to face facts and realise that the person you put on a pedestal for so long is not the same person you believed he was. Unfortunately it is very painful, but with time and as you get used to this fact more, it will effect you less.
Finally, I remember how everything reminded me of him at first – I couldn’t even have a cup of coffee without associating something with him. What I found to be extremely helpful was to push myself to do as many things that I had done with him as possible. For example, something we had really enjoyed doing together was taking part in this treasure hunt – when the next one was advertised the month after we broke up it made me miserable – but I made it a point to ask friends to join a team with me and I took part in the treasure hunt again. I must say it was a very painful experience – but from thereon, I no longer associated the treasure hunt with memories of him! I did this for many things, and it was very effective. Maybe you could give it a try!
Talk to people when you feel you need to and know you did the right thing. You deserve to be happy, and you will be again with time!
JDKM
Hi Mike. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I did not have children with my ex, so I will not pretend like I can fully understand what you’re feeling. However, my advice will be to focus on yourself as much as you possibly can, because the more you love yourself and your own life, the less anyone else can effect you. It seems like you are already on this path with the meditation, reading, etc. so stay strong!
JDKM
No, it is not easy unfortunately. But the best things in life tend to come with challenges that help us grow!
I hope it starts to get a little easier for you soon!
JDKM