“Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis
Shock. That was the first feeling. Shock and disbelief.
This isn’t really happening. Denial.
Look into her eyes. Slow realization. I’m not dreaming. Fear.
Wave upon wave of torrential sadness. Messy.
We’d been in a long-distance relationship, and as far as I was aware, everything was inutterably perfect. I was as happy as I’d ever been; I was in love.
For months, I’d been planning to travel across the country to see her. We talked about it endlessly, fantasized about its possibilities, gazed longingly upon the shimmering sapphire-memories we were sure to make.
It was as if we were already nostalgic for what we imagined would occur, for what we were certain would be one of the best times of our lives.
I waited and waited, and finally, the day came. Brimming with excitement and anticipation, I boarded a plane and flew over 1,200 miles.
Everything seemed to go wonderfully until the third day of my visit. I remember it clearly, how she looked at me with those caring eyes—irises the color of melted caramel—and told me something wasn’t right. She couldn’t explain it, but she didn’t feel the same way anymore.
Blindsided. I could hardly fathom the truth—that our gleaming vision had been fool’s gold, our immaculate castle a house of cards.
Perhaps I overlooked something obvious, some subtle-yet-pronounced signal. I don’t know. To this day, I’m still not entirely sure why she ended it.
What I do know, though, is how it felt. I had invested so much of myself into ideas of a future with her that it was like a piece of my identity had been amputated. The sunlit future I’d treasured had been blacked out before my eyes in a proverbial nuclear holocaust.
I felt purposeless, stamped out, alone.
Thinking back now, it strikes me that all people probably experience heartbreak in relatively the same way. Maybe some feel more anger, while others feel more depression, but in general, a sudden loss is like a tsunami of confusion, regret, and sorrow.
It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, but if you live long enough, it’s unavoidable. Chalk it up to this peculiar circus we call the human experience—sometimes gravy, sometimes gauntlet.
I firmly believe that pain is necessary for growth, but that knowledge doesn’t always make it any less crummy when you’re neck-deep in swamp muck. You mostly just press on, search for hope, and let Father Time do as that old adage says: heal the wounds.
And amazingly, after a while, things do improve. Eventually, you’ll be surprised to notice that you went all day without thinking about it, that you’re enjoying yourself again, that you’re no longer wallowing, that you let go.
But in the early stages of the healing process, day-to-day life feels about like staggering seven miles through three feet of elephant ordure.
If you’re in that place right now, I’m writing this post for you. You’re stronger than you know. Keep going. Things will be better.
7 Ways to Cope With the Grief of Heartbreak
In my experience, there isn’t any magical antidote for that immediate, pressing sensation of grief, but these simple steps will make it all a bit easier to swallow.
1. Know you’re not alone.
When my girlfriend dumped me, I turned to the Internet to read about breakups. What I found were countless stories of people who had suffered precisely what I had. Reading those stories was therapeutic because I no longer felt so helpless or worthless.
I felt connected to the billions of other people who’d felt equally awful. I gained respect for my ancestors and my contemporaries, for the strength of the human race. I started to have faith that I too could find the resilience to survive and reconstruct my world.
2. Take it one day at a time.
Or, heck, one breath at a time. One moment at a time. When I was down and defeated, I couldn’t imagine how in the world I was going to survive, let alone do all the work that I knew was coming.
Thinking about the future was entirely overwhelming. I couldn’t do it. Instead, I just concentrated on single days.
The present was painful, but I stayed there. I stayed with the pain as it ebbed and flowed through the days. And the days crept by, each one a small victory.
3. Reach out.
Internet stories can be wonderful, but it’s your loved ones who will be a godsend in times of grief. Don’t hesitate to contact your friends and family immediately when something tragic has occurred. This is why we’re here—for supporting one another, or as Ram Dass says, “walking each other home.”
I remember calling my mom, dad, and several of my friends shortly after my breakup. They couldn’t make the pain go away, but they listened and said what they could.
I knew I was cared for. I knew they were concerned. Feeling that love reminded me that I wasn’t worthless. I was still the same me.
4. Create.
After she told me the bad news, I felt an eruption of emotion that was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. There was just so much of it. I needed to let it out somehow, so I wrote.
Writing was a rock, something that had been there before and was still there, something I could turn to. I wrote poetry and letters and stories. Translating the experience into art was a type of catharsis.
It was a way to channel the energies, to release them, to cleanse myself. Whether it’s painting, singing, dancing, drawing, or sculpting, perhaps you will find solace in an art form as well.
5. Find comfort in music.
After the split, I remember sitting in an airport, listening to “Hailie’s Song” by Eminem, crying quietly to myself as oblivious people walked by. Sure, that’s a sad image, but it also felt good to let it out. It was part of my healing process.
Music was another constant, something that wouldn’t let me down. I think I probably listened to every sad song I’d ever heard. It wasn’t a way to feel sorry for myself (okay, maybe a little) as much as another means of knowing I wasn’t alone.
It was a way of feeling more poignantly the pain in the songs and lyrics of others, a way of empathizing with them and knowing they understood how I felt too.
6. Maintain your normal routine.
This was perhaps the hardest thing to do after what happened—return to my routine. Honestly, I felt like locking myself in a dark room with ten pounds of ice cream and sucking my thumb for the next few months. It didn’t seem possible to return to my day-to-day life.
But I did, and after a while, I realized that it was my routine that was renewing my sense of purpose. Actually doingthings took my mind off of the hole in my chest and reminded me of my value.
7. Believe.
It takes a certain measure of faith to fall into a black hole of pain, grope around aimlessly for a while, and eventually emerge. My situation felt devoid of anything positive. It seemed like there was nothing to hang my hat on.
But somewhere, deep within me, I managed to find the courage to believe that things would be better again. I believed that life would not forsake me.
I believed I could weather the storm, and after a few months, the horizon didn’t look so bleak anymore. I began to leave the past where it was meant to be—behind me—and to find satisfaction in the present.
Reflecting on Now and Then
I think about her some days. I read the letters she wrote to me; sometimes a song reminds me of her, and sometimes, for no good reason at all, that face I knew so well inexplicably materializes in my mind’s eye.
I still feel the slightest pangs of sadness, a sort of vague wistfulness for a future that never was with a person who was so dear to me. I imagine her out there somewhere, living out her sunrise-to-sunsets, and I wonder if she remembers me too.
But then I smile, because I’m okay. I experienced the bliss of unconditional love, and it brings me joy to remember it. I’d never take it back, not for anything.
I’m at peace now, with her and with what happened, with myself and with this moment.
I hope she is too. I hope she’s happy and without fear, smiling that beautiful smile.
About Jordan Bates
Jordan Bates is a tenacious fellow who loves novels and freestyle rapping. He's a writer and activist who’d like the world to think more and fight less. You should check out Refine The Mind, his online treehouse.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Please don’t cheapen my grief of losing a loved one by comparing it to the ending of your long term relationship. They’re not even remotely similar.
This is lovely. Universal and beautiful, both the pain and the summit. I
think that being able to wish the person well is one of the greatest
displays of compassion and heart. I’m not totally there yet, but I’m working on it.
That was beautiful, just when I needed it.
Thanks : )
t,
You’re very welcome. So glad to hear it. 🙂
venusbu03,
Thank you. It feels good to reach a point where you can let it go and wish them well. I don’t know if we ever fully move past the occasional questions of what could have been, but I don’t think we’d want to entirely forget how we felt about them either. Wishing you well.
Sarahliz1624,
My sincerest condolences for your loss. It certainly wasn’t my intention to in any way cheapen the grief you’re experiencing. Please know that, and also please consider that heartbreak is a very real form of grief. The term can be applied widely to all types of situations in which people are suddenly removed from our lives. I’ve lost loved ones as well. Confusion, sorrow, anger… these are the feelings one has. Again, thoughts and prayers go out to you.
In Nov 2011.. I came out of a 9 year relationship with my girlfriend….the pain of that finishing (even though beforehand I knew it was right decision) and the fear it created afterwards was the hardest challenge I have experienced. It has taken me 2 years to rebuild my life from scratch. Sadly when we end a loving relationship the old us kind of dies and a new person is reborn out of the wreckage, fear and loneliness we encounter. Key things to do:-
1) After ending relationship don’t claw onto security from other things or get in a new relationship for 2 years minimum. First of all its important to get to know your self and find the things about you that you don’t love…..you have to learn to love yourself to fully love anyone else truly. The reason for this is because if you don’t love yourself, then you will keep seeing the things in other people you don’t love about yourself and you will attract people who also can’t love you fully.
2) Look at your friends closely, are you spending time investing in friendships that actually help you grow or just friendships that support the image of yourself you have (i.e. fulfilling the ego) which therefore won’t allow you to change. Or to put it more simply, that pat your on the shoulder and say your fine and the Worlds at fault for your problems, fears etc.
3) Re-invent yourself, find out what you love again and rediscover the child within your soul. Society tells us what to be, what to think, where to go etc…..but we should tell ourselves. You can be anything you want….but you have to know ‘who you are as an individual’ to actually achieve those dreams.
4) Rebuild and make stronger good relationships with people you care about, these are key to out happiness. Lifes about people.
5) Learn to be alone…..you don’t need to be with someone, in contact with a person or gaining popularity on Facebook to be truly happy….these are just ego slap on the backs. Furthermore, these things are a distraction from ourself and our thoughts…..our thoughts are our fears.
6) Just be happy for small things…..happiness can be found in so much, but you got to look in the right places.
7) Don’t try to runaway from your problems or pain….its impossible and you are merely avoiding the issue.
8) Nothing or no one can make you happy….that is your job. Learning to love yourself, be happy in you, your career, your individuality is the key….be proud, be fearless.
It was hard but I followed this advice and I fell in love with me……I don’t look back now.
Good luck…..your beautiful never forget it….you just got to see it 🙂
Wow. This was my case. It was two years ago in mid-November. I thought I had met the one. I’m almost 50. I was blindsided. And I never got real closure. I tried to reach out twice and both times, I could not get a straight answer. Things have gotten a lot better, but I think I’ll always wonder what happened. My fear is how will it play in future relationships. I know I’ll be okay. A similar situation happened in 1999 and I got over her. It just takes me while to get over loss. Anyhow, your seven tips are good wisdom. Great words for anyone who’s experience a similar break up. Thanks for writing and sharing this! Best of luck to you and all.
“I had invested so much of myself into ideas of a future with her that it was like a piece of my identity had been amputated. The sunlit future I’d treasured had been blacked out before my eyes in a proverbial nuclear holocaust.
I felt purposeless, stamped out, alone.”
^This. This. One thousand times, this.
I’m in the first stages of a divorce where children are involved and I cant state enough how spot on this particular passage of the article is for me currently.
Thank you for giving me the words to the feelings I couldn’t articulate.
What a beautiful post!
Wow. Just….wow. Wonderful and in the nick of time.
“Happiness is beneficial for the body, but it is grief that develops the powers of the mind” – Marcel Proust. In strange ways, grief softens us as much as it develops us, makes us grow and curiously stronger, wiser – I say all these on hindsight. There is nothing to resist grief I have come to realise, when we are healing, we become more layered, multi-dimensional and compassionate. Embrace the process, we emerge transformed, caterpillars to butterflies.
This was so beautiful, and so, so true, every word. Thank you.
Wow , I remember reading Tinybuddha forums around an year back. I was in the same situation. Rejected by the a loved one. I pursued her, got rejected again. I went to the point where I no longer cared about my self respect. But the eventually I realised I was wasting my and that person’s time. Growth is inevitable . But sometimes Growing APART is the best thing that can happen to you. I once read all such forums over internet and wondered if I will ever be able to follow such advise but trust me [whoever is feeling miserable right now], Life is a really beautiful thing. You just need to hang in there. I am a live example. Its been 10 months I broke up and I am completely over her. Infact , it is her birthday tomorrow and I am going to call her. I love the fact that I had loved her. I no longer hate my past relationship and the unconditional love we shared however short lived that was.
My advise to all the heart brokens out there- Hang in there. I did and I not only survived but emerged as a better person. 🙂
Beautifully and eloquently worded… Thank you for sharing. It truly does bring comfort to know that in our grief, we are not alone… That others too have suffered, and have made it through to live happy, peaceful lives…
This post is a true showing of you courage, and strength. Thank you for being so vulnerable in sharing your experience, and provide such wonderful tips to move forward in life, because it is so easy to get stuck. Wonderful message! 🙂
Awesomely written. I feel your pain. And I especially relate to the part where you say “I experienced the bliss of unconditional love, and it brings me joy to remember it. I’d never take it back, not for anything.”, because I feel exactly the same way.
Wow- I needed that. My wife recently left our marriage after 20 years and two wonderful sons. I have never received a true reason for her leaving- her answers change as the days do. I was blindsided and crushed. Slowly, I am crawling out of the hole. But I know there is hope.
Thanks-
interestingly, when i read the title of this post “heartbreak or grief” – i was thinking it was going to be about grief of loss.. you know.. death. sudden or otherwise. i read the entire post and all i kept thinking is, ‘ his girlfriend broke up with him, and he’s heartbroken’. loss..? maybe. more like rejection. i’m not sure you can cookie-cutter your antidote for this emotion, as you’ve done for the definition. how can a parent of a child they’ve just lost listen to music? or the sibling who’s found their brother dead from suicide deal with the grief by dancing or singing? i think all in all this article/blog is written by a heartbroken young person who hasn’t even begun to live life enough to understand that being rejected by a a girlfriend doesn’t qualify advise to the world about grief. go to the homeless shelter and speak with the people there. go to the pediatric cancer floor and have a heart to heart with a parent. go to a nursing home and speak with a 33 year old paraplegic whose family cant care for him. those people know “loss” then have an intimate relationship with grief. it;s etched in their faces and on their hearts. you my friend, have the wonderful ability to love again, and will do so, i am sure of that. i hope when you have an experience of greater magnitude you will write about it as a mature adult.. not an rejected little boy who didn’t get what he wanted.
Going through this right now. We didn’t breakup because we stopped caring. He is very sick and depressed and unable to maintain a relationship. I truly understand his need to tend to his issues as he see fit and I am beyond sad as well. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to love and be loved in return. He was the first man in over 20 years who treated me like a human being instead of a piece of meat. HE taught me how to meditate and reawakened the ability to dream. I love him still and always will.
There are different type of griefs. You can search this in any book and even in a dictionary. He had the courage to express his lost and to me he is admirable. Don’t judge what for you is unkown.
Beautiful post thanks so much for sharing!!! I went through a similar story 2 years ago, I was completely blind and deaf by “love”. Totally crushed! !!
I’m so grateful now for what it happened because thanks to that experience I feel stronger, wiser and more connected to myself. My heart got broken and it cracked open, making me more open to a real kinda love. :).
but how about infidelity, how do you forgive, let alone wish well, after you ve caught ” the love of your life” cheating on you and she refuses to come clean or provide any answers or apologies, all you get are tears and promises which seem false.. how long would it take to end that.. a two yr relationship just broken apart like this…
I am one of those people you wrote this for and I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. This is me. Now. My partner of ten years, engaged for much of that time, left me last month. Blindsided to say the least. I thought we were forever. While she struggled this summer, these 10 years were amazing and I never thought we’d ever part. Everything in this beautifully and heart wrenching piece speaks volumes to me right now for where I was, where I am and where I hope to be. Thank you.
Thank you, Julia!
Sarah,
So glad it could come at a good time. Thank you.
Inka,
I’m so happy it rang true to you. Sincerity is very important to me. You’re welcome, and thank YOU!
NinjaStarbuck,
Absolutely. Thank you very much for the kind compliment.
lv2terp,
Much appreciated. I’m glad I decided to write it and tell the story. So great to hear that you found my tips and message to be wonderful. All the best to you.
NLS,
Thank you. That was an important realization for me — that no matter how much pain I went through, I wouldn’t take back the memories. Reminds me of the classic Dr. Seuss quote: “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Regards to you.
Chris,
So, so sorry to hear about your situation. I can hardly imagine the confusion and pain your must be experiencing. I’m touched to know that my writing could help you, if only in a small way, to feel like you can move through this and find a better place. Wishing you all the best and more. Prayers.
Wilma,
I had no intention of insinuating that my experience is comparable to losing a child or to any of the other situations you mentioned. It isn’t, but does that make my pain and loss any less real or valid? A woman I loved denied me and then stopped talking to me completely. Is that not loss? Is that not worthy of grief?
I’ve lost loved ones to cancer and Parkinson’s disease. I’ve had friends die in drunk driving accidents. Am I unworthy of writing of pain? I never meant to claim that the sorrow I’ve felt has been as great as those who have undergone more tragic events. Who could possibly be the judge of that?
There are a lot of ways to get hurt in this world, a lot of ways to know loss and suffering. The depth of one’s heart isn’t measured by years of life. Perhaps to you I’m nothing more than a “rejected little boy who didn’t get what he wanted”. If you feel comfortable making that judgment about me based on one Internet article, then that’s your prerogative. But personally, I think it’s unfair to claim to know the pain of another. I’d never assume I knew your suffering.
It hurt me to read your comment. The last thing I wanted to do was to come off as someone who thinks they’ve seen it all or been through the epitome of loss. Since it seems that is how you received my message, please forgive me. If what I wrote was presumptuous, it wasn’t intended to be. Like you, I’m only human. Best wishes to you.
nedy,
A pleasure to hear from you. Just from your writing, you seem like a charismatic and positive person. That’s wonderful to see, especially knowing that you went through a similar heartbreak a couple years ago. Amazing that you can see the experience with gratitude now and notice how it changed you for the better. It absolutely forces us to become stronger and more independent. The love and gratitude are optional, though. So glad you gravitated in that direction. Best regards to you. 🙂
Jessica,
It saddens me to hear about what you’re going through. I’m so sorry. It’s just so damn difficult to know where to go or what to do when you don’t see it coming at all. You’re a courageous person to keep moving. I can’t tell you how touching it is for me to hear that my piece helped you, if only in a small way. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Best wishes and prayers to you as you go on. Take care.
Walt,
I appreciate you sharing your story with us, and I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup. I too tried to reach out to her after it happened, but that ended up leading to more pain and little resolution. I’m glad things have gotten better for you since then. I also wonder how my failed relationships will affect who I am in future relationships — whether I’ll be afraid of commitment or of letting myself fall too hard. I probably will be, but I’ve always been a hopeless case when I fall for someone, so I’m sure I’ll embrace it. I’m sure no one gets over loss in the same way, but I think everyone needs a lot of time. It means a lot to hear that you thought my suggestions were worthy, and you’re very welcome. I’m very grateful to you for writing this. Take care.
Bek,
God I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine. I’m so grateful that that particular passage could touch you and capture how you’re feeling. Really means a lot to me. Thank you many times over for writing this. I hope upon hope that your situation improves. Warmest regards to you. And prayers for your family.
Deborah,
Wise words. Grief is probably one of the hardest things to embrace. I know that when I’ve lost people either through break-ups or death, I wanted to deny that anything was happening. It’s so easy to resist. The process truly does sculpt us into better people if we let it. Thanks for writing this.
Tonya,
Thank you for sharing this. It’s very touching, and it wrenches at my heart in ways I can hardly articulate. At once, I’m so grateful that you found him, so sorry for the struggle you’re both going through, and so hopeful that you’ll find a way to heal the relationship in the future, if that’s what ends up being best for you. All the best to you.
broken hearted,
This is one area that I have not experienced, though I have friends who have. I’m so, so sorry to hear this. A friend of mine who went through this told me that the best thing for him was to sever all ties, to stop seeing the person at all. Maybe this will end up being what you need to do. I’m sure it’s so hard right now. All I can do is tell you that I feel much compassion for you and know you can make it through this. Prayers for you.
Beautiful, William. Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry you went through what you did but am inspired by how you’ve dealt with it. Regards.
Anurag,
I’m happy for you, and your message is very encouraging. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. 🙂
Jordan, I think you are very brave for writing of your grief and pain and I completely understand the loss you experienced. It isn’t comparable to death but I don’t think you were comparing it. I’m recently divorced and had to move out of our family home and become a single father. It is very hard being alone again, not being able to check on my daughter whilst she sleeps every night and I have no family around me BUT I’ve opened up to some friends and always cared about others and despite the inevitable pain, can feel some acceptance of how my life is now. One moment at a time and being able to sit with and make friends with my emotions is making life manageable. Take care.
That was great dude
Thanks, Mike!
Thank you, Fraser. I’m very sorry to hear about your divorce, but I’m impressed by how you’re handling it. “One moment at a time” has been a mantra of mine in the past, and I love the idea of making friends with our emotions — acknowledging them, not hiding from them. Thank you for sharing this. All the best to you.
I am going through this right now. my partner cheated on me three months ago in the worse way possible. We tried for two months but have broken up a month ago. We are trying to be friends but it still hurts. It feels like i’ve lost by best friend and i think finding my new identity is the problem.
Trying to be friends with a former partner right after a breakup like that is noble, but you are within your rights to just take a break from this person for awhile. Don’t stress about taking a break from this person, and don’t guilt yourself about it. If being around them hurts, don’t be around them for awhile. You can’t heal a wound that you keep picking at.
And don’t beat yourself up because you got cheated on. Never devalue yourself over someone else’s inability to honor a commitment.
My mom used to say that we’re all jigsaw pieces. You can’t fit perfectly with every other piece in the box, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You keep looking until you do find the people who fit you right. They’re out there.
Sarahliz1624,
I also offer the sincerest condolences for your loss. I will pray for you to someday find peace as I search for it myself as well. And like Jordan said grief can come from many different events. For me, I had the loss of my dad this summer while just prior to that realizing that my wife was cheating on me. Not a great combination for sure. But a few months later as i look back, the loss of my dad was horrible and I wish everyday he was still with us, but the hardest thing to deal with is having to interact on a daily basis with the person who just slapped me in the face after being together for 15 years, with a beautiful 11 year old daughter, 2 dogs, a nice house, etc. So much hope for the future of our family all just destroyed. So although comparing someone you love going to Heaven with the death of a relationship may not really be fair, it is the lingering effects of the relationship that just seems to stay an open wound every day while realizing that my father is in a better place is somewhat re-assuring. I miss him him dearly of course and take solace in the fact that we will someday be re-united, Wheras my relationship and family as i knew it will NEVER be able to be reconciled. Ever. Again, NOT trying to cheapen the grief involved in dealing with someones passing, just trying to point out that relationship grief is also very real.
This is a beautiful post…You really have a gift for writing; Jordan! Thank You for the hopeful words… 🙂
I am on day 3 of mourining after my break up. My ex said that he wasn’ ready for a relationship, and didn’t see us going anywhwere and said that we had no future together. It’s hard becuase I am just missing him right now. I don’t see myself dating anyone else becuase I don’t want to get hurt again and I don’t believe anyone whould ever want to be in a relationship with me. I’ve just lost all hope.