“Our lives only improve when we are willing to take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson
For almost two-and-a-half decades, I hid behind masks. I sensed as a very young child that I lived honoring my true self, like most children do, but as I got older, I started putting on masks as a way to fit in. One of my first masks was that of a juvenile delinquent.
Over time, this mask became almost embedded in my skin. I discovered the world of alcohol, drugs, and mayhem, and I felt trapped and unable to escape from it. Shame and guilt filled me with fear and kept me from breaking free from this chaotic lifestyle. I was afraid to ask for help.
But in the late eighties, I attended a self-help workshop. This presentation introduced me to a way of living that radically altered my life—inner journeying.
I was intrigued by the presenter’s story and his thoughts of living a life that required him to look inside for answers. I had very little understanding or practice with looking within.
The workshop opened up a whole new way of living for me. It focused on removing masks. As I listened to the speaker, I found myself thinking about my own life and the masks that I hid behind.
I felt uncomfortable, so I started to question myself on how I was living.
This new self-awareness pushed me to start looking inside of myself for answers to the problems that were plaguing me.
I was young and self-employed, on my way to making a name for myself in my business community. I was also self-absorbed with weightlifting and exercising. I was the typical story of the “skinny kid who transformed his body.” To others, my life looked good.
But my inner landscape told a different story. I was lost in a world of darkness, pain, and anxiety. Even though I was experiencing some modest success with my business, my past was starting to haunt me.
I felt like a fraud, and I was starting to feel like my outer world was about to crumble.
What had kept me going through all these years of turmoil was the fact that I had become an expert on wearing masks! I had no idea who I was, and despite all the good things going on in my life, I felt like I wasn’t being honest with myself. I wanted to be real.
When reflecting on what I could possibly share with others in regards to wearing masks, I immediately thought of a poem that I read shortly after attending the self-help workshop. The poem, written by Charles C. Finn was titled Please Hear What I am Not Saying.
The opening lines read, “Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask, a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them is me.”
His words seemed to tell my story, and I knew after reading his poem that I wanted to start changing my life.
Change did not come quickly. I resisted anything that would disrupt my life. Spending time reading new books and reflecting on my life in solitude did not come easily for me. I had to rearrange my priorities, which took practice.
As I spent time reading and reflecting on the poem, my walls of resistance began to weaken. Light was starting to shine in some very dark places within me.
My initial reaction was joy, followed quickly by fear. I knew I desperately wanted to change, but felt afraid of the unknown.
When my masks started to come of, I felt like people could look right through me. I felt raw and naked. I did, however, experience a new inner freedom that was unfamiliar to me. My self-confidence rose along with my self-esteem, and despite the long road that lay ahead, I felt ready to start traveling it.
Presently, I am working on trying to remove a mask that has worn out it’s welcome with me. This is the mask that I started to wear shortly after I had a very profound experience through skydiving.
On October 8th, 1990 I was sitting on the floor in a small Cessna airplane, flying at an altitude of about 4000 feet. Resting on a small platform, with both legs hanging outside of the door, I was seconds away from jumping.
What brought me to this crossroad was the fact that, despite appearances, I was still a mess on the inside because I still lacked inner peace. The workshop and poem had helped move me in a good direction, but I needed something more to push me over the edge. Skydiving would be that push.
I had chosen to skydive as a way to surrender my life to a power greater than myself. I no longer wanted to endure the pain I was experiencing. I knew I needed help with overcoming this obstacle I was facing.
Sitting in the doorway of the plane was a surreal moment for me—one that would break through years of pain. At that moment before I jumped, I told myself, “Keep your eyes open,” and with a silent prayer, I leapt from the doorway.
In an instant, I knew with certainty that I would never be the same after this experience. Yet, as ecstatic as I was, I choose not to tell anyone why I had jumped. I thought it would be best to keep it to myself.
Up until that point, I had not shared with anyone about my inner journeying. Religious or spiritual “stuff” still made me a little uncomfortable.
I didn’t realize that in not sharing this, I was hiding my true self—my “real” self.
People around me knew that something was going on in my life, but I didn’t disclose the driving force behind the changes they were seeing. It seemed easy just to keep things quiet.
So here I am, ready to take this “closet seeker” mask off. How do I do that? For me it is about finally admitting to myself that the mask no longer fits, and I am no longer willing to live this way.
I wouldn’t say that I have a “one size fits all” mask removal strategy, but I have found that when I am willing to step out of my comfort zone, good things will happen. I need to trust that.
I also know that self-honesty has a way of breaking through walls—big walls!
What follows self-honesty, for me, is always action—taking some action, whether it’s a small step or a giant leap. Either way, it’s life changing.
You may need to take a leap of your own to get in touch with your true self. It doesn’t need to be huge, as long as you move forward in some way. Like the Nike commercials says, “Just Do it!” What’s important is to find what works for you and start moving, inch by inch, beyond your fear.
Writing this small post for Tiny Buddha is my way of trying to move beyond my fear, and removing this mask that has kept me isolated from other seekers.
Most importantly, I did this to be honest with myself. Being honest with ourselves is the surest way to move forward on the path of self-discovery.
Photo by *higetiger
About Charlie Tranchemontagne
Charlie Tranchemontagne is a work (life) in progress. He's looking to find his own voice through writing and sharing; and continuing to find himself on the road of self-discovery and connect with fellow travelers.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Great post Charlie. It seems the mask gets larger as we get older and eventually many forget who they really are. Personal and spiritual growth had helped me tremendously too.
I did notice though when I took my mask off and became who I really am not everyone in my life was “on board” with the change.
Hi Charlie,
I understand completely where you are coming from regarding masks. I have felt the same way for a long time, and it does feel like somewhere underneath them all the real me is trying to come out. As you said, it is about taking small steps, some kind of action to start breaking through them. My very first step was accepting that who I was on the outside was not reflecting who I really was. The second was to start writing things down.
My first big step was starting my blog. I was always a very private person, partly I feel because I didn’t feel right about myself no matter how well I appeared to be doing on the outside. So I didn’t share. So starting my blog is going to be like making a bonfire of masks.
What I have realised very quickly since I started are that there are a lot of people that feel the same. And each one I meet along the way every time I open up a bit more can teach me something, open a locked door, or provide a moment of insight. It will be a long road with lots of change. But I am looking forward to getting to know me and how I will do.
I wish you every success on your journey and thanks for sharing.
Keith
Skydiving is on my bucket list btw – but for now it is cold showers 🙂
“Leap and the net will appear.”
This always helps me realize that I am my own net. My true and honest self always has the net ready for each leap I’m about to take.
Hi, Your story has touched me. I’m feel numb but tingly after reading it. wow. thank you.
Wow, this really touched me. I’m going through a similar “what is the true real me” phase and this was so wonderful to read and absorb.
I have always said that I was a chameleon because I could assimilate and change to match whoever it was that I was around. It wasn’t that I was lying or being untrue, I honestly really enjoy learning new things and engaging with fun and different people but the problem is that I had no idea who I was when I was alone.. I’m starting to figure it out but it’s still a work in progress.
This is a long hard journey but I know you can get through this just like I can! : )
This really helped me, thank you.
“I didn’t realize that in not sharing this, I was hiding my true self—my “real” self.” I needed to hear that today 🙂 Thank you!
I love Lori’s writings and the wisdom therein. Reading her columns brings a certain peace with it. I will say, though….I’m not sure I am in-G with this thread. You see, Lori’s interviewed some wacky folks in the past; but, none of them could hold a candle to Ms Warner. Fortunately, she’s a good writer; but, I’d classify it more fiction than fact.
A HUGE vote of empathy here from a class clown who just kept finding new classes.
Many good wishes on your continuing journey, Charlie.
~ Mark
I like the part where you mentioned the importance of finding what works for you and then moving beyond your fears to find your authentic self.
your blogs some days are just what i need to hear!
would love to win the book! i have anxiety issues myself!
This article is awesome! I’ve been suffering with social phobia and GAD for a long time, and I also feel like I am living my life behind masks and faking it. I always think that people can see right through me and at times I get very lonely.
Thank you for posting this wonderful article. I am always going through something similar and your words are most helpful though I don’t think I’ll try the skydiving thing!
After a very painful break-up, I started focusing inward and found some very unattractive things about myself. It was difficult not to hate myself for what I saw — after all, I had been severely abused as a young baby all the way up until the day I left home for college — left home, that home, for good. I was “on my way” as a musician/singer/songwriter and then my past caught up with me and I could no longer sing. As a matter of fact, I became paralyzed emotionally and literally closed myself off from the world, from the human race.
I never did learn how to live in the “real world”, have successful relationships. When I felt my passion for my music die, I only realized later that I felt dead inside towards anything.
Life was unbearable for over twenty-five years and psychiatrists and (new) friends alike tell me it is a miracle I am still alive….. I have lost, at least temporarily, my spiritual partner.
I feel great pain because of this but it’s the first time I also feel blessed and can enjoy the wind on my face. I am coming alive again … and it really started with walking away from the abusive family that adopted me as an infant. I also use the EMDR, which I find quite effective, even though I fought it, at first and didn’t believe in it. Talking therapy is NOT enough when it comes to deep trauma. My music is coming back slowly and I have so much work to do. Thank you for your honesty. I find it is the only way to true living.
-Laurie Nedvin
ps. I especially liked the remark about the fear of being self-indulgent, something I really struggle with — and the helpful remark that to feel compassion for yourself is the way to feel compassion for others. I want this more than anything. THANK YOU!
I am inspired by your Truth and Honesty, Charlie. Thank you so much for sharing, and I’m so glad you ‘jumped off the place’ in oh so many ways – by sharing your story you are allowing others the same opportunity you felt when you heard the speaker share his story. May peace and love be with you.
I suffer from sever anxiety and panic attacks, to the point of not being able to post feedback here from so much giddiness … But I had to let you know that after so many posts on how beautiful life can be (I have no doubt about that), and how it all comes to being in the present (which I undoubtedly agree) I became so weary and jaded by my own pain that I stopped seeing things as they were, and more as my anxiety colored them. In short; my emotional wounds were transforming me into someone I could hardly recognize. I still make a point to want to better myself and get out of the painful rut I`m in, hence I keep reading Tiny Buddha even as it triggers my anxiety, stepping out of the comfort zone and all.
When I read your post I was hit with a massive anxiety attack because it struck so close to home, yet I made an effort to keep reading it, because your honesty deserve it that much. I`m still sinking in your experience, that mirrors much of my own. I`m scheduled to go skydiving after many years of battling with weight issues, finally reaching the permitted weight range to jump,I will be up in the air this coming August. My reasons also a bit more philosophical than the thrill of the sheer adventure, forget the burden of my constant pain and surrender a minute without anxiety, to feel infinite.
I just needed you to know..
Thank you.
Wow- this fit right into what I was reading and journalling about today. I had just written a quote from the book I am reading -“Honesty about who you are gives you…integrity or oneness.” I am going through a major life change that has been a long time coming and was just questioning whether I had been living with integrity or not these last few years – or what I thought was good, nice and worthy of me.
Thanks for sharing your journey – it helps remind us that we are not the only ones.
I too enjoy the poem you refer to by Charles C Finn. I wonder if you’ve read “I am one of the seekers” by James Kavanaugh – I think you’d enjoy it.
Try praying,’Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo”
I know that in my journey, when I made the changes I needed to and became healthier, it made many people in my life very uncomfortable. I lost friends, I lost my marriage and there were big adjustment periods. It can be a very lonely process, but you WILL meet new people who are on board with you!
This is such a brave piece – thank you for sharing your story here. I have had a similar experience but my path has been different than yours… I can relate to much of what you’re saying. Nothing but good will come from you shedding your masks. It’s impossible to live for too long as anything but your authentic self, so good for you for consciously making the choice to be true, open and honest! Best wishes to you.
Honesty, peeling away of my many masks–this is exactly what I needed to hear right at this time. Thank you for sharing, thank you!
A GREAT N THOUGHT PROVOKING write-up…..i can RELATE to the skydiving part of it as once i had gone jet-sking without knowing how to swim n having a fear of water n dreams of drowning….but i thought i HAVE to beat the fear n when i did venture out it was an AHA MOMENT N was BEING IN THE ‘GAP’….i felt FEARLESS n THAT was an EMPOWERING FEELING…now coming to ‘MASKS’ i feel that it is MORE to do with MANY LAYERS than faces…we may feel something at one time n feel differently at another…there are SO MANY LAYERS…FOLDS…ASPECTS to us that we can’t even DEFINE ourselves FULLY…we KEEP CHANGING N ADDING NEW DIMENSIONS to ourselves…so i wonder if these are REALLY MASKS or FACADES as u call it or multi-dimensional PEELS…..is there SUCH A THING as an ‘AUTHENTIC YOU?’……….”””””””””
Hey,wonderful,I am also a practicing Nichiren Buddhist, I am so happy to see you here too. NMRK,NMRK,NMRK
Fantastic article and a great reminder that having the courage to take that step to be true to ones self, despite the fear, helps to set us free. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this. I am at this point in my life, willing to take off the mask and very frightened of the unknown. A friend told me recently “keep journeying inward” and another friend unwittingly showed me what that meant. Self-honesty followed by action; thanks for some direction. I wish you well on your journey.
thank you for sharing – how brave to take off the mask by writing this. 🙂 I am learning to live without mine too. it’s a very liberating experience, to live authentically. and the more i live this way with confidence and acceptance, the more it is reflected back to me by others. funny how that works. 🙂
Thank you for this brave and transparent post. I just a finished creating a mask to get closer to the essence of the woman I really am vs. the woman wearing protective masks to fit in and be accepted. Learning to get closer to who we are out from behind our masks is honorable journey.
Hello Sweeetienena, You are invited to come and visit anxietyslayer (dot) com. I promise you will find supportive tools to calm your anxious mind.
I feel like I can connect with you, Charlie. Masks are ways of protecting yourself: they are like decorated walls for people to see, but they cannot see through it. I used to–and still on some occasions–wear masks, too, but as time goes on (and it always does) I find myself tearing off some of the many masks that are still stationed inside me (metaphorically speaking). Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you into something else is the greatest accomplishment.” I think that you’re brave to admit your past on tinybuddha. Some people hide their secrets in hopes of forgetting about them, but those who try to face their’s are trying to conquer them. Thank you for being true to yourself, and thank you for writing this.
Good Post
Thank you very much for this read. I find myself right now at a crossroads in my life and I have to make some very big decisions very soon. Im trying to lower some of the masks that I’ve put on over the years and Im confident that I will succeed step by step. Your post is exactly what I want to do in my life! cheers!
Like my favorite Charlie Sheen line from 2&1/2 men goes: “My head is full of stuff I refuse to remember and stuff I’m desperate to forget.”
I am at a cross-roads and once again stuck. Wholely unwilling – and litterally unable – to continue as I am and even more unwilling to look at this “authentic self” everyone assures me is being held hostage to my ego’s stupidity. I am already looked at with contempt, disgust, and/or pity for the bits that leak through…. how in the hell do you people find the courage to embrace MORE of that? It strikes me as impossible that more happiness and peace could be found that way.
As a side-note… the whole higher-power/something or someone is directing this mess we call humanity… One look, metaphorically, at what goes on in the world convinces me it is either non-existant or is something to be fought. I’ve gone with imaginary, so much of what is said within this type of writing makes no sense to me.
But – then again – the fact I’m still here, a year later, immersing myself in it daily makes no sense to me either… I’ve the attention span of an ADHD 2 year old on meth so something caught my awareness and managed to hold it… wish I could figure out what.
I love this article. I’ve started a blog (lisasulingmaslin dot com) where I’m unpeeling the masks
Wow this has really touched me. I feel like I’m wearing a mask too- a mask that has slowly blended into my own personality, until I’m almost lost. I always pretend like I’m easy-going and that I’m okay…but sometimes i’m not, but I just pretend to brush it off and laugh. I don’t want to be vulnerable- that’s how I’ve always been. It’s just really hard for me to ever trust anyone enough to let down the mask and walls I have formed.
Thank you for writing this post it spoke to me dearly on how may go about showing my true self to me and the rest of the world.
I have crossed a crossroads in my life and I am now showing my light to the world .
Happy travels