“By living deeply in the present moment we can understand the past better and we can prepare for a better future.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
When I was in high school, a hit-and-run car accident changed my world. My boyfriend at the time lost his nineteen-year-old brother to the accident. I had never met his brother, but it didn’t matter; a dark veil had been cast over my life.
In the days, weeks, months, and years following the accident, I sank into a deeper and deeper depression. I started to have panic attacks and I cut myself daily, trying to feel anything other than terror and despair. I sought treatment, met with therapists, tried dozens of medications, and routinely turned back to alcohol when nothing worked.
Before long, I fell in love with a man who was also deeply depressed. Six months after our marriage, I found him collapsed on our living room floor after trying to kill himself by overdosing on his medication.
I called the authorities, supported him through the ensuing hospital stay, and turned right back to my unhealthy methods of dealing with the pain.
For years, I muddled through the darkness, thinking I was destined to lead a miserable existence. Over and over, I told myself life would have been so much better if that hit-and-run accident had never occurred. I was convinced it was the one pivotal factor that had destroyed my life.
Eventually, the stress of living this way caught up with me. In addition to the depression and anxiety, I began to have migraines, uncontrollable nosebleeds, and excruciating muscle pain. I went to doctor after doctor and at one point was taking seven prescription medications every day, with no relief in sight.
Finally, it was clear I needed to take a different course of action. I decided to look into meditation. Before long, I had accumulated three meditation methods to try.
The first method was a simple practice of closing my eyes and counting each breath. I tried this until it became evident that I could never get past the number one before my brain started reliving events from my past. Closing my eyes, it seemed, took me too far away from the present moment.
Instead of closing my eyes, I had more success keeping my eyes open and silently but consciously acknowledging my surroundings. Whether I was at home, on the train, or walking down the street, I could practice mindfulness by saying, “Hello, carpet,” or “Hello, tree,” and I was immediately grounded into the present.
Perhaps it seems strange to greet inanimate objects, but it helped me maintain a more immediate experience of the present moment, so I went with it.
After that, I tried body scan meditation, or moment-to-moment awareness of sensations within the body. Taking some time to recognize sensations as they occurred turned out to be a great help in training my mind to accept and acknowledge discomfort until it passed. Seeing that discomfort was a passing experience was a life-changing realization all on its own.
Throughout my meditation experiments, I continued to have trouble staying present for more than a few seconds at a time, but I could see it was beginning to have some benefits.
When I returned to counting breaths, I began to reach two or three or sometimes even ten. With growing faith that mindfulness meditation was having a positive effect on my life, I kept meditating until finally one day my meditation was interrupted by the sound of an ambulance siren.
As I listened to the siren, I felt a panic attack coming on. The siren made me think back to the day of the hit-and-run accident, and when I finally let go of that thought, I thought back to the day of my husband’s suicide attempt.
I braced myself against the panic attack and desperately tried to remember a mindfulness technique I could employ in that moment.
During a panic attack, bodily sensations are extreme, so it made sense to me to try and focus on body awareness and how I was relating to my surroundings.
Despite the inner voice that kept telling me I was going to die, I resolved to experience this panic attack mindfully, from beginning to end. I turned my attention to my breathing and faced that panic attack like it was an ocean wave I was going to allow to wash over me.
While every muscle in my body began to tighten, I consciously tried to let go of the tension and simply notice what was happening in my body, without judgment or blame.
Almost instantly, I experienced a massive muscle spasm that made my entire body lurch. Awareness of my surroundings became a feeling that I was falling through the floor, and I worried this really was the panic attack that would kill me.
But then, the panic, the terror, and all that muscle tension passed through my body in what I can only describe as an enormous wave of energy.
I felt that wave pass from the top of my head through every last finger and toe, and just as suddenly as it had begun, the panic was gone. As I returned to my breathing, I listened again to the siren and, for the first time, I heard a siren that had nothing to do with me or my past. I heard a siren that was a siren and nothing more.
In the five years since this experience, I haven’t had a single panic attack. In my case, panic was an extreme expression of resistance to thoughts and memories I didn’t want to experience. When I learned to stop resisting, I learned to beat panic.
I can’t guarantee that anyone else’s experience will be the same, but perhaps I can share some suggestions based on what worked for me. If you are one of the millions of people in the world who suffer from panic attacks, here are a few methods you can try the next time you feel one approaching.
Counting Breaths
Notice your breathing. Is it rapid and shallow? Is it becoming shallower the more you panic? Take a moment to close your eyes and turn your attention to counting breaths.
If you find you are counting very quickly, see if you can focus on just one or two long inhalations and exhalations. Don’t worry if you can’t get past one or two. If you notice your mind has strayed from counting, congratulations! You have experienced a moment of mindfulness under extremely challenging conditions.
Acknowledging Your Surroundings
If, like me, you find that closing your eyes makes you panic more, open your eyes and start acknowledging your surroundings. Say hello to your hands, your feet, the ground, the ceiling, a chair, a tree, or anything at all you spot around you. If you feel like this is ridiculous, it is! Allow yourself to chuckle and have a sense of humor about it.
Body Awareness
Turn your attention to what you are feeling in each part if your body. Are your muscles tightening? Can you feel your fingers and toes? What happens if you try to wiggle them? Does the sensation change as you continue to breathe in long inhalations and exhalations? Whatever you are feeling, try to let it happen without resistance.
—
What I learned from my experience was a lesson I will not soon forget: I only found my inner strength when I stopped trying to fight.
Panic gains momentum from the energy we put into fighting it, and the fact is, we don’t always need to fight it. Life happens to you and me as it happens to all people, whether we are ready for it or not, and all we really need to do is be open to experiencing it one moment at a time.

About Krista Lester
Krista Lester is creator of the @BunnyBuddhism Twitter feed and author of Bunny Buddhism: Hopping Along the Path to Enlightenment. She is a writer, teacher, meditation practitioner and yoga enthusiast, who shares her story in hopes that it may help others who suffer. To buy the book or keep up with her latest news, visit http://BunnyBuddhism.com.
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Dear krista,
I too spent many years in two different hells. Depression bound me to the past. Anxiety kept me away from the present and in fear of the future. It was a life changing realization that the past, it wasn’t real anymore and the future, was never really real at all.
The duality of life dictates, good things happen. Bad things happen as well. We simply cannot choose which one we would prefer or avoid. We simply get both. It was through the daily practice of meditation that I was able to lose myself in the moment and remain present. Thank you for sharing. I hope your techniques will be beneficial to me.
Namaste c:
– Affiong, NYC
Hi, Affiong. You’re absolutely right that we are subject to the duality inherent in all things. I’m so sorry to hear that you are familiar with depression and anxiety as well. I do hope you can find some of the techniques useful!
“When I learned to stop resisting, I learned to beat panic.” This is something I know….but need to do more! Thanks for sharing Krista!
Dear Krista,
thank you for sharing. I too experienced death caused by a traffic accident at a young age. When I was twelve I saw a girl get run over by a bus. The picture of her lying under the bus will haunt me forever. A few years later a classmate got run over by a truck while riding her bike. Fear, anxiety, panic attacks, and depression have become constant companions and rule my decision making and how I raise my children. I am working hard to change my ways of thinking using meditation and mindfulness techniques. But reading your story showed me that I am not alone with those experiences and their consequences, and I find comfort in that. I am sorry you had to go through all this though. This is something I don’t wish on anybody.
Again, thanks for sharing.
/PJ
I won’t say it’s always easy…it’s very much an ongoing practice!
Hi, PJ. I’m so sorry to hear of your experiences. I wouldn’t wish such things on anyone else, either. I’m glad I could help in some small way by sharing my story. You are definitely not alone!
Dear Krista,
You are an angel. Thank you for sharing. I thought I was the insane one as I also spoke out loudly what I was doing at any given moment to keep myself in the present. I would say things like ” I’m now opening the door. I am walking inside the room. I am now sitting on the bed”. I really thought there was something wrong with me. But now I realise we all have the tools we need already bread into us and we can heal ourselves. My panic attacks are a thing of the past because no matter what you may be thinking about death at the time, one must just know that no panic attack has ever killed anyone. It’s not reality. It’s just a manifestation that can be unmanifested.
Hi, Ike. Thanks for your comment. I think adding the element of speaking what we’re doing in any given moment can be really helpful to those of us whose thoughts can get really intense. Sometimes it takes more than just focusing on the breath. Congrats on finding the right path for yourself and having the faith to follow it to freedom from panic!
Hi Krista, this post is excellent, thank you very much. I recently started seeing a clinical psychologist for management of anxiety and panic attacks. Interestingly enough, a couple of the techniques you have mentioned are those he’s teaching me. Seems that the validity of mindfulness techniques that traditionally accompanied Buddhist practices are now gaining a solid scientific backing and becoming accepted medical interventions 🙂
Thank you for your kind words about the post. It is an exciting time for mindfulness and meditation with all the research being done to show how it affects our brains. I know I’ve found it to be incredibly helpful (even life-changing) as part of an overall treatment plan. I hope you do, too!
I have a severe panic & anxiety disorder, ptsd, and depression. It has taken me years to learn how to control the panic and the anxiety attacks. They are all controllable. I use to think I was dying. When I didn’t die, I wanted too.
When I feel anxious or the panic, I look around and ask myself, “what (or where) is the threat”? I have to analyze the situation in my mind to determine where, if any, is the threat? Once I am aware of what is going on, I ask myself, “so what are they gonna do? Take away your birthday”?
For example: I am at Wal-Mart on a very busy Saturday afternoon anxiously pushing my cart and some guy bumps into my cart because he can’t follow simple retail-store driving rules (stay to the right, similar to traffic rules… yes I am OCD), but he also says something to me as if I am the party at fault.
Immediately, my body tenses up, my teeth clench, my heart races, my breathing gets shallow and faster. I can feel my fingers and lips going tingly in a matter of seconds.
I immediately notice these changes as I stand there frozen, but I am picturing myself going all crazy white chick on him, ripping his leg off, and knawing on it like a dog would a steak bone. Crap!!! Not again. I know this one.
I look around, he glares at me still, waiting for my rebuttal, “what’s the threat? Hmmmm.. this guy!!! Okay. So, is he going to take away my birthday? No. Why would he kill me over bumping into my shopping cart. And, in front of all these people”.
*deep breath deep breath* I tell myself. “I am so sorry. Are you alright, sir”?
I am back to normal (mostly) as he grumbles and walks away. YES!! score! No paramedic for another panic attack. I got this under control.
are you still taking medication?
Krista,
Excellent post. I agree entirely with your excellent description of the beneficial effects of cultivating mindfulness of the panic attack itself and allowing it the space in which to unfold. Doing this with full consciousness is what makes the difference, rather than just reliving the panic mindlessly. This approach is essential to mindfulness therapy for anxiety and panic attacks. As the saying goes, it is the FEAR of the panic attack that is the main block to healing. Through meditating on the panic anxiety itself, allowing it to unfold and show you all its component parts – physical sensations, thought reactions, emotional reactions you are actually giving the core emotional formation (called a sankhara in Buddhist psychology) exactly what it needs to change, transform and heal. It is as if it already knows what it needs to do to heal, but our habitual resistance, avoidance and aversion prevents it healing. The whole purpose of mindfulness meditation is to bring consciousness and loving-kindness (metta) to that which is in pain (the emotion) so that it can heal. I see this approach work over and over again with my students. Thanks again for sharing.
Peter Strong, online mindfulness therapist and author of ‘The Path of Mindfulness Meditation.’
Thank you for the page. It certainly works. Shared thanks again
Nice. So this really worked for you? Counting breaths, mindful of surroundings and body awareness. My body tenses just like yours does
I find as I start to notice bad body feeling the bad feeling starts to take over, even trying to halt it
Often just the shrikning muscles stays when the tightening chest etc. is long gone