“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle
A few months ago, I found myself on the busy streets of London’s Covent Garden.
It was a mild Friday evening in the capital and the masses were out celebrating the end of the working week, looking forward to the weekend ahead.
But that’s not why I was there.
I’d come to Covent Garden on that day for a special project.
For most of my life, the fear of what other people thought of me had kept me trapped. It had prevented me from reaching my full potential and from enjoying life to its fullest.
I couldn’t bring myself to dance in public for fear that people would point and laugh. At work I was unable to voice my opinions for fear they’d be thought stupid. And at my lowest point, even walking down the street became a struggle, as my mind ran wild with images of people talking about and laughing at me as I went by.
I lived a half-life. I knew I was missing out. I also knew I had so much more to contribute to this world. But I was paralyzed by the fear that if I put myself out there I’d be ridiculed and rejected.
And so the “real me” remained cocooned somewhere inside. I knew she was there, I knew who she was, but fear kept her trapped.
But sixteen months ago, things began to shift. Filled with an increasing sense that I wasn’t living my purpose and a vast emptiness from the lack of meaning my life seemed to have, I quit my corporate office job in search of answers, determined to live a more fulfilling life.
I made a commitment to myself then to face each and every one of my fears and to find a way to reconnect to the real Leah and let her out into the world.
The last sixteen months of my life have been challenging, as I commit every day to living a little further outside my comfort zone. But being in that space of discomfort and crossing the threshold from fear into courage has led to the fulfilment I craved as I realize just how much I’m capable of.
I’d be lying if I said I no longer gave a second thought to what others think, but for the most part I can push past that to do the things I know I need to do.
And so it is that I arrived in Covent Garden, in the hope of now encouraging others to free themselves of that fear of what others think and embrace life in its entirety.
And so there I stood, on the crowded streets of London that evening, holding a sign handcrafted from old cereal boxes, saying:
“How often does the fear of what other people think stop you from doing something?”
The reaction to this simple question left me gobsmacked.
People stopped and took notice.
Some smiled knowingly, acknowledging that their own lives had been affected by the fear of what others think.
Some nodded with something of a sad look on their face. Perhaps there was something they really wanted to do but were being held back by that fear.
Others engaged in conversation, sharing their stories of how the fear of what other people thought had touched their lives or how they’d learned not to care so much.
That day, I experienced for the very first time the extent to which the fear of what other people think affects our lives—all of our lives. What might we be capable of if we could let go of that fear?
I went home that evening having learned some valuable lessons…
You’re never alone.
Too often we suffer our fears in silence. We believe ourselves to be the only one.
Everywhere we look we seem to be surrounded by confident people.
But I’ve come to realize that everyone—those who appear confident or shy; extroverts of introverts—we all, each and every one of us, are struggling with our own fears.
When the fear of what other people think is holding you back, take a look around and remember, everyone is living with his or her own fear. You are not alone.
By confronting your fears, you help others confront theirs.
More than anything, when you stop caring what others think and set out to achieve your goals and dreams, you give others the power to do the same.
Someone is always watching and wishing they had your courage. By stepping up to your own fears, you really do help others face theirs.
Be vulnerable and honest. Being open about your fears and confronting them head on could be the greatest gift you ever give.
What you think they think isn’t the reality.
Those people over there? The ones you think are talking about you? Judging you? They’re not. Really. They don’t have time. They’re too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them!
And even if they were looking at you, judging you, talking about you, you can be almost certain they’re not saying the awful things you imagine.
Instead, they’re envying the color of your hair, your shoes, the way you look so confident.
What we think people think of us usually doesn’t come close to the reality.
Freedom from the fear of what others think is possible.
The fear of what other people think of us is like a cage.
Over time you become so used to being inside that cage you eventually come to forget what the outside might be like. You resign yourself to living within its walls.
By taking deliberate and purposeful action to overcome the fear of what others think of you, you slowly regain your freedom and escape from the confines of the prison you’ve created for yourself.
And life outside that cage? It’s pretty awesome!
It’s a place where you can be the person you always knew you were meant to be.
And that, being fully self-expressed, being everything you know you are, fulfilling your greatest potential in life, well, that’s the greatest feeling you could ever know.
Don’t let the fear of what other people think stop you from living the life you were born to live.
Photo by PhObOss
About Leah Cox
Leah is a writer, poet and spiritual guide focusing on themes of awakening, emotional healing, sensitivity, creativity and following the call of your own heart. Discover more of her work on her website here or subscribe here for new writing every Tuesday.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I absolutely love how you took a huge leap and just stood in the middle of a crowd with a sign. It takes courage to get passed that initial thought that people might think you are weird or stupid for doing something like that. Personally, I have always wanted to do something like that to push my own boundaries and see if I can impact someone else’s life. Beautiful read!
Hi Mariel, and thanks for the comment. I’m really pleased you liked the article. My question to you now is, what could you / do you want to do, that will push your boundaries? And I’m sure with the Tiny Buddha community behind you, you can go out and do it and once you have, you’ll never look back.
This really helped me, believe me i ‘m gonna live my life to the fullest starting this min. 🙂 m/
I have a dream of mine that i would very much like to attain but have always lived in the world of what will others say.. this is great to know that I am not alone and it is fixable..thank you!
“What you think they think isn’t the reality.” Brilliant insight. Thank you. 🙂
Leah, loved your article and your Vimeo production. It is so easy for all of us to step back in our cage now and then…and we forget the door is always open. Yes, life outside is pretty awesome. My wife and I remind each other all the time…and we all need this reminder on a daily basis. I think someone very wise said… “what we dwell upon we become” and Freedom from fear should be at the top of everyone’s list. Thanks again for all your good work. I would also like to share some of my wife’s work with you as it might provide you with some additional ideas for you to express: http://www.smartliving365.com
Very pleased to hear it SanChyne. The best time to start anything is always now. Wishing you well. Leah
It’s crazy really, isn’t it? That we wander around with all these assumptions and ideas of what others must be thinking. Glad you enjoyed the article.
Great article. Can you break down this project into baby steps. Like what’s a first step you made? Just stating an idea to peers? Or just walking down a street? This fear in me is so large, it’s hard to know how to cross from fear into courage, as you said.
Hi Jay! I think you’ll be surprised by how people will react once you step out and do what you’ve been afraid to do. Most people harbour desires and dreams but are held back by fear – they’ll wish that they had your courage to go ahead and try – and maybe in turn you can help those people find the courage to do the same.
Hi Angie! This particular project of mine came about as I was writing a post on my website a while ago. It was this one…
http://www.whereislife.com/2013/09/09/overcoming-the-fear-of-what-other-people-think-of-you/
The idea for standing in the street hadn’t come to me until I started writing the post. The idea came and before I had chance to change my mind I wrote it out and published the post. That’s my first piece of advice – once you have an idea, put it out into the world before you have time to change your mind. Make yourself accountable to someone other than yourself. There will always be reasons for not doing something – the trick is not to entertain those thoughts too long, otherwise we would never take any action.
Next, because two of my biggest values that I live by are courage and integrity, I knew I had to fulfil the task I’d told my readers I would do. I enlisted the help of my friend to film the project and that gave me extra encouragement and support.
I felt ridiculous the first few minutes I was standing there, but as people stopped and talked to us, and as I saw in people’s faces how much it affected them, I realised that this was something bigger than me, and that it wasn’t about me at all. It was one of the most warming experiences I’ve ever had and I left feeling overwhelmed at the level of engagement it had brought out of people.
If you have an idea – run with it. Don’t try to squash the fear or pretend it doesn’t exist – it’s part of you and part of what makes whatever you’re doing important. People can sense authenticity and vulnerability and people crave that. Just know that by being yourself and letting others see your vulnerability, you give others the opportunity to see more in themselves too.
The other thing I’ve learned that’s really helped me in everything I do is to place every ounce of my attention on to other people. We spend so much time worrying about ourselves: how we’re judged and perceived – but that is just a part of our ego. When we give everything we have to someone else and place all our attention and interest on them, our fear has no place anymore, because it’s not about us, it’s about them.
I hope that’s helpful. Time to get out and try something now?
Take care,
Leah
The key to eliminating the fear ,is to remind ourselves that we have absolutely no control of what other people think , why they think it , and disengage the thoughts of assumption on what you think they’re thinking . It is our internal dialogue that we must control to harness these fears . For example : If you were to walk down the street and smile and say good morning to a stranger and received no response, what does it really mean ? .. Does it mean they think little of you ? .. No .. Does it mean that they hate you ? .. No .. Does it mean they are racist ? .. No ..
It means nothing !! You choose what it means .. To me it would mean that maybe they didn’t hear me say good morning or perhaps they were in deep thought .. But it’s okay .. Because I will never know why I received no response and I don’t need to know because I have no control over the thoughts of others .
Jay, imagine the possibility and the likelihood of success that you will attain if only you take the risk .. Muhammad Ali once said .. He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life .. It’s never to late to live the dream .. Set yourself free and attain what’s yours !!
Hi Thom,
Pleased to hear you enjoyed the article and video. It’s great that you’re in a relationship where you both understand the value of living outside of our own fears. And i certainly agree that where we choose to place our focus and attention directs the way we see and live our lives. Thanks for the link to your wife’s site, which I will check out. Wishing you both a lovely weekend 🙂
Hi John,
I wholeheartedly agree – 10 different people could give you 10 different reasons for that person in the street not giving you a response – and their reasons are all based on their own fears, judgements, anxieties and perceptions. No one answer is more real than the next. Like you say, we are not responsible for, or have any control over, what other people think of us.
So, I have to ask, what about when what your heart wants
to do is on the edge of what society thinks is acceptable?
I am a guy and I love to wear high heels. I am 38 years old and I have been wearing heels
since I was 12 years old. Having spent
time with therapists what comes to be is that I should grow to appreciate, and
even perhaps celebrate, my unique appreciation of women’s shoes. I have also come to learn that a great deal
of men share this appreciation however most are too fearful to actually go out
and experience wearing high heels.
So, as I move forward and grow and learn to express life
as life comes to me to be expressed I find that my fear of what people might
think of me, a guy in high heels, is not illegitimate. I want to get out there, enjoy myself, and perhaps
be an avenue for other guys with this interest to develop an appreciation of
their unique qualities.
So, is this situation of feeling the fear of what other
people think a “feel the fear and do it anyway” situation or does feeling the
fear of what others may think and moving forward not apply given the unusual
nature of the situation.
I made this realization about 2 years ago through therapy and Brene Browns books. After a lifetime of being totally consumed by thinking people were judging me, my looks, my decisions I finally realized that everyone else has just as much going on in their head as I do to be concerned about me. That was such a breath of fresh air and I’ve been reminding myself of that fact everyday since. Thanks for sharing!
I’m here smiling while I write this, as I too went through this when I was a teenager. Couldn’t walk the main street of my town because I thought everybody was looking at me. One day my father told me to go and walk just one block of a crowded street to practice. Did this several times, then I walked two blocks. Then three. Today I can go anywhere. In fact I lived abroad for four years. My family couldn’t believe it. It’ so good to feel free! Leah, your article touched my heart. Thank you for sharing!
Its part of the human condition and once we start breaking down these boundaries within the human condition of the mind, we well see great freedom and fulfillment within ourselves and the world that we live in. Great article with a positive tone. Thankyou. Namaste <3
Hi Veronica! Thanks so much for your wonderful comment! What I hear from your story is part of what’s necessary – a willingness, in the first instance, to force ourselves to go to the places we most fear to go. The discomfort can be extreme but it’s in that action that we realise our fear wasn’t as big as we’d imagined. What a turnaround to go from not being able to walk down the street, to living abroad for four years! So powerful. Have a lovely weekend. Leah.
Hi Larry! Thank you for leaving this comment and for your total openness and honesty. First of all (and I am not teasing you in any way) – my hat goes off to you for even being able to wear high heels! At age 30, I’ve never mastered that art and wonder in amazement at friends and how they manage. So, perhaps one day you can give me some help 🙂
Is it that weird? Are you harming anyone? I’m trying to think about what I’d think if I saw a guy walking down the street in heels…I live in London so to be honest it probably wouldn’t seem that out of the ordinary. I’d notice, for sure, and I’d probably ask myself some questions about it, like, why would he want to do that? Would it make me think any less of him? I don’t think so. Of course there will be those who think you’re a freak, but there will always be those people. And if, like you say, you know that there are other people out there who harbour this appreciation of heels, you’d be paving a path of courage for those people too. From my point of you, I say go for it! But nice heels can be expensive, so keep an eye on your bank balance too! Thanks so much again for such an interesting and open comment. Leah
Thank you Tommy and really glad you enjoyed the article. Wishing you a wonderful weekend. Namaste.
Hi Marina,
I love Brene’s work too. I’m pleased to hear about the realisations you had and that they led you to a more peaceful way of living. It really is exhausting being consumed about this fear of what other people think and it’s a relief when we can step away from it. Thanks for your comment. Wishing you a lovely weekend. Leah.
Hi Leah, Thank for for replying with your perspective. My beliefs really parallel what I read from the contributors to Tiny Buddha. So many times I read the morning read from Tiny Buddha, really enthusiastic about what is written, and as I contemplate its application to my experience I wonder if it really applies to my unique situation. I think I have another thread of support for going out and truly living the real me. Someday the interests section of my facebook profile will include, spirituality, flying, camping, and high heels. Thanks, Larry
My goal is to live a full life, one in which I feel fully self-expressed in every way. I believe that by doing that I am far more useful to the world and the people in it. Maybe your situation isn’t as unique as you think – only that because of the way society is set up, everyone is too scared to be the first. You could be that person. Courage Larry, courage. Wishing you a wonderful weekend and much luck on your journey. Leah
Really inspiring article Leah. It takes a lot to face your fears and actually take action to challenge them. Just from reading the comments below I know you are inspiring many people through your own personal courageous acts. 🙂
I like the point you made about how the people you think are talking about you or judging you are actually too busy worrying about what people are saying about them.
ahhh Yes, thank you! My biggest thing right now is being ok with the fact that I’m not graduating college yet like the rest of my peers. When people ask what I am studying and I respond with “I don’t know” or “I’m taking my time,” it always gets me a patronizing response. It’s a little rough to hear, but I have been writing much more lately trying to figure out what makes me passionate…. So after years of pondering the thought, I have decided to take the step into blogging and letting my feelings made public… So we will see how that goes
Thank you, Leah. Your words help so much. I like what you said about living your values. I value connection and communication, and those are things fear keeps me from. So I think by focusing on living with intention inside my values, I can find the courage to be myself.
I learned, lived and lovin’ …can we be satisfied? :p
Hi Mariel! I struggled with something similar when I first quit my job and wasn’t sure what my path was yet…when people asked what I was doing I felt terribly inadequate and such a failure telling people that I’d quit my job and was essentially unemployed. I felt like I had to have something to define myself by. But over time I began to care less, and then as I moved into coaching I practised saying that out loud over and over again, getting comfortable telling people with confidence what I now did. And these days I feel pretty lucky that I took that extra time to figure things out because whilst I’m still building my business and that will take time, other people I know are still unhappy in their jobs. And so it will be with you – take your time now and you’ll be way ahead in the future. Always go with what feels right for you, not what is expected from the masses. There is no right or wrong way of living. Starting a blog was the best thing I ever did. I had no idea when I started all the ways in which it was going to change my life. Best of luck on your journey!
Thank you Leanne. I certainly hope it gives people a little more courage to face their own fears. I actually think, once you get started, it can start to be fun – seeing what new limits you can push yourself to. It’s incredible to see what we’re really capable of when we can let go of fear.
Knowing exactly what our most important values are is so useful in helping us to live the lives we want. When it comes to making a decision, you can simply ask yourself, will doing/not doing this honour my most important values? And you know that when you’re honouring your values as often as possible, you will feel far more fulfilled in your life.
Thanks Nicole! I do think most people are so wrapped up in their own stories they don’t have time to worry about other peoples’. And if they are judging or talking about you, I think that’s probably an indication of something going on in their own life, rather than a problem with you.
Hi Leah, what an inspiring post. This is something I’ve been thinking about recently as well. I think a lot of the time we’re taught not to show our weaknesses or fears as people will see us as being weak, but this ridiculous really because we all have them. It takes more strength to admit to being fearful or being afraid of what others think than it does to suppress.
Awesome post!! Love that question you posed, and the reactions you recieved. Thank you for sharing this message! 🙂
Very inspiring! Love the sign idea!!
Thanks Harmony!
Thank you! The reactions really were amazing, and a total surprise to me. A heart-warming experience. 🙂
Hi Clare! Agreed. I think learning to be vulnerable is something that can give us great amounts of strength. Imagine if we truly knew how people were feeling instead of the masks that we wear most of the time so that we appear acceptable to the rest of the world. We carry such heavy burdens around with us but are too scared to share that with others. Look forward to meeting you in the not too distant future.
Great blog post Leah!! I think the part I resonate the most is feeling I am alone. And then that eventually leads to isolating or keeping it inside for fear of what people will think. I think it becomes powerful or even transformative when you share you story, just like you had done with this blog. When you share the story and over and over how much it can evolve depending on where you are at in your life. Thanks for sharing!
Wonderful Post Leah! I think fear makes life exciting. If there is no fear in us, we wouldn’t be experiencing the exhilarating feeling, each time we take a few steps towards our fear. I totally agree with you on ‘ By confronting your fears you help others confront theirs ‘. Thank You!
A beautiful and articulate article :). The fear of what other people think about me is so deeply ingrained in me that I was even thinking twice before I posted this comment! Over the years as I have started to consciously tackle this fear, I felt that a key part of this fear comes from needing outside approval of whatever I do and not living up to the expectations of the society and its people. Identifying that and knowing that I am special in my own way and need not conform to any set norm helps me overcome that fear from time to time. Thanks for the post Leah 🙂
Amazing article, I used to be that kind of guy that worries a lot about
what people think, but I’m grateful that I’ve overcome this problem in
my life, and I have just realized that this fear was created by people I
used to live with, but now, I’m free from this horrible feeling, and
now it is time to stand up and live life to the fullest.
I have struggled a lot with this finally reaching a point similar to what you described. Lao Tzu’s line “Care about what other people think and you will always be your prisoner.” helped me a lot with this.
Hi Jules! I love that line by Lao Tzu – thanks for sharing. Wishing you luck on your continued journey….life really is too short to worry so much about what others think.
Hi Ronnyere! Pleased you like the article, and even more pleased that you no longer live with this fear and are out there enjoying your life! We do seem to make life so difficult and complicated for ourselves sometimes.
Hi PKS and thank you for your kind compliments on the article and for having the courage to post your comment. It’s so incredible to see it resonating with so many people. I think what you say about consciously beginning to tackle the fear is so important – when we become consciously aware of something, we give ourselves the ability to change it. Being aware is a gift that we can use to improve our lives. Best of luck on your journey. Leah
Hello! Thank you for your comment and pleased to hear your enjoyed the article. I agree – we experience life through contrast and relativity. The wonderful feeling of facing a fear would be lost if we never knew the fear in the first place. We must be grateful for everything we feel and experience, for it gives us the opportunity to feel and experience something else in relation to that.
Hi Klarissa! I hope that the number of comments on this post show us all that whatever we feel, we are never alone, although it often feels that way. Being open about your fears can be pretty empowering and as I’ve found through my blog, so many people out there have or are experiencing similar things in their own lives. Glad you enjoyed it! Leah