“The distinction between the past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.” ~Albert Einstein
One morning I woke up inexplicably sad. I sat on my bed trying to make sense of how I felt and what could be behind it. Intuitively, I grabbed one of the many books lying on my night table and opened it in a random place.
What I had in my hands was A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle, and the chapter was called “Breaking Free.”
Tolle explains how we tend to be unconsciously engaged in stories from the past and habitual thoughts about them and how we avoid the feelings associated with them.
Avoiding uncomfortable feelings instead of allowing them to wound us is not the answer, Tolle warns us; emotion is a response to what is happening in the mind.
Our ego clings to false stories that create fear, anger, jealousy, and other emotional responses because it feeds on the past and future for its existence.
The best thing we can do to reduce the impact of these emotions is acknowledge them.
Uncomfortable emotions bring the precious gift of making us aware that we’re trapped in thoughts, beliefs, stories, and old interpretations of ourselves. By being present with our emotions, we can break our identification with them and release the past.
Reminded once more that every emotion is a messenger of something else that’s running deeper, I allowed my sadness to just “be.”
I could see how my past beliefs of being unwanted, undeserving, and punished were dominating the scene. I was living a past story as if it were happening today with an intensity that surprised me.
I realized then that the stories we tell ourselves are a mixture of “old emotions” and experiences we have come to feel as our identity.
“The Unwanted Me” is a personal story that has pervaded my life for too long, making me feel terrified about showing what I have to offer and taking pertinent actions.
From an early age I felt that I was somehow “different.” My environment was one of noisy activities—hanging out, watching TV, or playing video games—while I enjoyed reading, silence, nature, learning, being by myself, and engaging in artistic or volunteering activities.
I was an extroverted introvert; I loved to talk about things I was passionate about, and others mocked me for this.
The rejection made me disappear into a very rich but lonely inner world. As I grew up, I developed an inquisitive mind and artistic tendencies, which seemed to aggravate and scare my relatives and acquaintances even more than my “nerdy” style.
How could I feel so inspired and touched by things that drove others nuts? The battle to correct and bring back on track this lost sheep became so fierce and devastating that it ended with me having to leave home to be able to pursue my dreams.
Finding my way to who I was included not only being homeless and broke but also feeling enormous amounts of guilt and shame for the disappointment and pain I was causing my loved ones by doing the “wrong things.”
It took a lot of hard work to get where I am now. Long nights filled with doubts about my abilities and choices made the call for becoming an artist a painful one.
The pleasure and wonder I felt for the arts became tainted by the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me and I was being punished for challenging traditional points of view.
What I understand today is that I was struggling not only with the “real” day-to-day challenges but also with this invisible past story silently sabotaging my efforts. This is the reason why I feel so tired and frustrated sometimes.
I have actually enjoyed the benefit of having good people in my life and even recognition, but because I was unaware of a hidden script running the show, it took me loads of effort to believe people actually appreciated me for my qualities instead of pitying me.
I felt left alone many times in my life, which was both the result of the old pattern of being unwanted and punished and the fuel that kept the pattern going.
I know better now than to let the old story run wild instead of building the one I want to live. Whenever I feel this way again, I can ask myself: Who is speaking? Is it the real me, or my old “unhappy,” “unwanted,” “unworthy” (fill the blank) story?
Knowing what story we are telling ourselves helps us learn, little by little, to trust life and build the sense of self-worth we need to succeed and be fulfilled.
About Mercedes Calcano
Mercedes Calcano believes in the alchemical power of the arts to bring the extraordinary into the ordinary. An ambassador for meaning and beauty, Mercedes is committed to ease the way for others to allow magic and possibility to shape their experiences through her programs Simply Drawing Life and ARTLeads-U.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow. I wish I could do the same. I am aware of the old storyline and I can decide that it not determine my present, but that doesn’t enable me. This is something one cannot simply will out of our being. It takes more than that and I don’t know what it is.
I recently wrote
about something similar to this on my blog. I have been wrestling with some
emotions about my past with my father and it’s been tough. If something goes
wrong, I used to blame my past for it and I didn’t really know it. My internal dialogue
was being negative in this respect. My defenses would get up—and from time to
time, they still do—but I am more aware of this happening that. I don’t want to
let the past be an excuse for my choices in the past or present; however, I am
finally acknowledging that it’s ok to feel what I feel and not push those
emotions away. I’ve learned that’s always the beginning to moving forward.
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
I love Eckhart Tolle, he’s great at explaining fear and how we get stuck in our minds. I also strongly believe in our past ‘stories’ repeating themselves, UNTIL, we finally acknowledge it, and consciously move past it, into the more frightening zone, so that we can then become comfortable with that. Being a ‘talkative’ introvert myself (I do like my own company!)
Great post – it really resonates! Thank you.
I can completely relate to both the article (from a wishing perspective) and more importantly, your comment.
I am in throws of being completely lost to what and how I am being in my marriage and working pretty hard to convince myself I AM the problem. I have also started to feel that I am not worthy of such a partner or life.
Meditation is giving me some peace. What I can’t figure out is why I keep repeating certain behaviours???
I have decided that I think time alone to get grounded and sort this crap out would be advantageous as it’s one step forward two back at the moment
I appreciate your comment and willingness to call it out. I suspect there are many in the same boat!
Excellent read. This certainly hit the spot for me as well & also offered some insight. I really admire when brave people come fourth on this site & show their vulnerability… to me, its what life is truly about, keeping it real, sharing w.others & helping others along the way. Thanks.
Maybe the key to letting go of the past is realizing that your past is an experience to learn from NOT something that defines you……
thanks for the great post, a great reminder for me, its so easy to get lost in the story, especially one that has been running for many years like a worn out soap opera 🙂
That is the main problem with society, many people are living in the past. I am guilty of it too, and I don’t like it when I focus on the past. I have to remind myself to live in the present. What is in the past is in the past and cannot be undone. It’s a learning process, that we all must do in order to be happy.
One of the central ideas I have found in Eastern spirituality is to release all constriction. This can mean a lot of things: releasing expectations, judgments, tensions and fears, the criteria behind it all and so much more. Perhaps in your practice, it would be beneficial to look for emotional patterns reflected by the monkey mind that might unlock insight as to what constrictions you are so used to that you overlook their presence. Then work on letting them go? Just a thought.
I’m Glad to be part of your story now 🙂 You shared it on the right place!
Wow! What a powerful article! I could feel the emotions throughout the text! I’m very impressed by all the journeying you’ve done Mercedes! Congratulations and keep up the excellent work!
Great article!:)
The past is something we have to handle well. If we interpret it in an emotionally restraining way then we’ll be held back. If we can view the past in a way that helps us move forward, being thankful for the good and bad, that’s better.
Your story is an encouragement to us all.
Dear Mercedes. Thank you very much for this article. ‘I felt alone many times in my life which was both the result of the pattern of being unwanted and punished and the fuel that kept the pattern going.’ Yes, indeed. That’s really helped. Thank you.
Wow Mercedes, I feel touched by this article.
I relate 100% on a past story almost rubbing out who you want to be and then by the time you know it, you think, you act, you feel and you look at things like the old you did.
It almost feels like being stuck in a wounded inner child’s body, feeling hopeless that there is never a way out.
It’s a terrible inner turmoil that can destroy people forever.
I felt this article from my heart. It’s touching, and because it’s touching, it’s incredibly inspiring and motivating.
I know how it feels completely to talk about things that you are passionate about because you want to inspire others to do the same thing for themselves and this is a way which shows your individuality, however, if you’re surrounded by the wrong people who just push you astray and don’t do anything for themselves out of their own brainless behaviour, it can make you feel like an alien. This is the worst thing anyone can ever feel, even for the people that I don’t like, I wouldn’t ever want to wish this feeling upon them. It makes you want to rot away as if you don’t belong in this planet, however, your passions is what makes you realise that you have purpose, and that’s why you like talking about them to others.
Share the wisdom, others feel the same.
I’m sorry that you went through a hard time, but I am also glad that this happened to you in order to be where you are today.
As you grow through life, you realise that your story is just a story.
It’s only if you are constantly looking at that chapter it makes you feel like your whole life book is about that, when actually, it’s not.
Keep going strong with yourself, believe in yourself (this is something I am learning too, so you’re not alone)
Take care, thank you for sharing this :)))))
I know how you feel.
I often use my past as an excuse, I’m aware of this and it’s a habit that I am learning how to break.
Keep strong with your growth 🙂
This resonates so closely with my own story….except I haven’t quite made the change to my new thoughts yet. I am getting there though, and your story has just helped me get so much closer. Thank you for sharing and inspiring.
Mercedes, thanks for sharing your story. I felt your emotions… I’ve been there.
I buried my negative childhood memories, living in “quiet desperation”. I pretended that everything was “great!”
The past eventually came to bite me in the butt 8 years ago with a 2 year battle with depression and anxiety. The trigger was a toxic work relationship.
My psychiatrist pointed out the I was reliving a trauma from the past through this difficult work situation. This person was reminding me of my dad, who made me feel unlovable.
So I “reparented” the younger parts of me that held faulty beliefs of “I’m not lovable and I’m not enough” and turned those beliefs into “I’m lovable, I’m awesome, I’m enough.” Finally, I overcame the depression and sleepless nights.
We all have the power to reparents the younger “parts” of us that took on negative faulty beliefs – such as “I’m not lovable, I’m not enough, I’m not worthy” – as a result of toxic experiences.
You can go back into the original scene that created the faulty beliefs and negative emotions and give those parts the love, reassurances and hugs that they never got.
Bring those parts into your heart and that’s where they can stay. They will no longer be in the scene of the hurtful memories. The negative core beliefs can instantly turn into positive beliefs of “I’m lovable, I’m enough, I’m worthy”.
Then you can unburden yourself of the negative energies of the toxic events for good. You will finally stop churning in the old emotional scars and move on with your life. Your dark cloud will lift and others will notice your happier energy.
This powerful and little known healing modality positively shifted my life quickly. It can literally give you instant and permanent happiness and significantly improve your self-esteem and confidence.
If we don’t address the past and forgive those that have hurt us, it will likely haunt us in the form of mental and/or physical distress. Our toxic thoughts turn on our disease genes. Yikes!
The best thing is, I realize now that the Universe purposely gave me the negative experiences for the evolution of my soul.
When I turned 50, I found my life’s calling based on all of my traumatic experiences. Now I am happy beyond belief.
When you find the gift in the negative experiences and make “lemonade” out of your “lemons”, you will thrive.
Have you ever considered that you have Asperger’s syndrome?
I don’t mean to offend you so I do apologize if you take this the wrong way. There are many misconceptions to do with Aspergers however, reading your writings, I am quite sure you exhibit many of the behavioral patterns as well the general mindset. It sounds as if you’ve struggled a lot through your life trying to understand who you really are.
If you were interested some research may enlighten you further. People with aspegers have no cognitive issues and as well will often have a very colorful use of language. They will also be commonly very interested in arts and will talk on and on about what they are interested in. So much so they will be made fun of by their peers. Females are very under diagnosed because women innately (even in the world of Aspergers) have better social skills and awareness, which helps them to blend in without anyone noticing exactly how different they are. People with Aspergers are commonly very morally strong and will often speak their minds and speak out against things they believe to be wrong.
Just to touch on a few things I’ve noticed reading a couple of your pieces and why I believe it relates. You’re also very good at assessing things in order to find the smallest details to improve upon. People with Aspergers love details.
Here is a good place to start if I’ve struck any chords.
http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php/about-aspergers
(Obviously I do not know you nor how you feel though. Only stating that the patterns seem to be in place from my perspective as an outsider.)
great post, I recently realized I’m one of those “highly sensitive” people and its helped me explain the way I feel different and many other things. even though it explains things about the past i can also help me make the future better after knowing more about myself. knowing this helps me not dwell about the past so much. however I still have some steps to take towards understanding that Im totally lovable and awesome.. I’m trying 😉 thanx
Sometimes, I also wake up with a strange feeling of sadness that forces me to question my existence and everything around me. Even yesterday, I felt the blues and it made me so upset that I felt mentally drained and forced myself to sleep. Today, after reading your post, I acknowledge it might have been lapses of my past, unconsciously influencing me. I have released all the painful thoughts and emotions from my past but at times, they still hit me. Yet, I keep on telling myself not to look back and to keep on moving forwards, heads strong. In fact, experiences, be it past or present, shape people and brings about change. I think the key to serenity is acceptance. With this mental conditioning, one is likely to succeed in life in terms of moving forward & building a better self-worth. Thank you for sharing this post. =)
Thanks
Thanks for your post as I found out your path of growth is so similar to me, so from your sharing I know I was not the only one sttruggling with similar issues.
Being different, no matter in a good or a bad way, is always a challenge because the majority of people in mediocrity always tend to “pull” the extraordinary and different back to their league. This is one of my biggest discoveries in these 2 years, which further convinced myself to be more confident and comfortable of whatever I’m doing, when I’m not doing what most of us are doing.
Wow. I so needed to read this story and hear your wisdom. It seems I am in the exact same spot with my past as I embrace who I am. Thank you for being you.
Feels good to find someone else thinking the same as I do!
All mental illness is nothing more than wanting to live in the past or for the future. It is deeply rooted in an inability to be present in the moment.