“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~Chuang Tzu
Do you feel, on some level, that your life is hard work? That you need to struggle in order to improve things in your world? Do you feel that you even need to struggle to reach a desired goal, to overcome adversity before achieving something worthy?
Our addiction to struggle is an impediment to us feeling the joy of quiet and the now, the place from which subtle and natural development can occur.
This addiction to struggling—the addiction to striving, always trying to achieve—used to hold me back from experiencing the whole of life.
My awareness dawned slowly. Once an over-achieving lawyer working sixty-hour weeks (and then ducking off to volunteer my time for another cause), I am now much more relaxed, and able to give from a place of increased abundance and energy. But hey, it’s taken time, and it’s still a work in progress.
I’ve dabbled in meditation for years and had a daily practice for three years. But it’s not just all about the cushion—getting out and having fun, dancing, enjoying life is what helped me see that I was actually trapped in a pattern of thinking that I had to work hard and reach (and overcome) a crisis point to be successful.
The more I meditate, the more present I am, even off the cushion. I can even catch the moment at which I start being run by my own subconscious beliefs that life involves struggle.
Some mornings, in the liminal state between sleeping and waking, I can catch an almost imperceptible shift, where my mind switches from the ease of a sweet dream to a battle with consciousness and being awake.
Oh really, do I have to get up now?
(And the deeper revelation: how subtly and consistently I struggle with reality itself.)
The point at which I am able to accept my current reality is the point at which I surrender to that experience.
Funnily enough, this is usually the point at which life becomes easier. Not because I have won a battle against my mind, but because I have allowed myself to stop resisting what just is.
I get up. I go about my day. No big deal; in fact, I enjoy it.
So, how is this addiction to struggle holding us back? After all, I’ll be the first to put my hand up to say how much I’ve learned from those with the strength of character, creativity, and resilience to overcome the most trying of times. Survivors inspire us and bring us hope when we can only see darkness.
Yet, it seems that overcoming adversity has become the primary narrative arc in some corners of the spirituality and personal development online worlds.
Our relationship with mind and ego are often phrased in ‘battle’ terms, and having a gruelling experience has become the necessary precondition to success.
This is so subtle. But this preoccupation with overcoming struggle holds us back in many ways. It conceals other paths to growth. It even may cause us to devalue presence and surrender.
Overcoming struggle is only one way to grow and to learn.
Some of my most significant advancements in my thinking and changes in my life have been the result of product of gentle, consistent effort. In this way, old holding patterns have dissolved quite naturally.
My decision not to drink alcohol is one example. Upon finding out that I’m a teetotaller, people often assume that my self-destruction precipitated a crisis with booze, followed by hard-won sobriety.
Of course, I celebrate those who have overcome alcoholism, but I don’t have a victory-over-struggle story with alcohol. Once upon a time, I enjoyed a drink. Years of enjoyable meditation changed my brain, and I now happily don’t drink alcohol because I don’t feel a desire to drink. (And as it turns out, the benefits are innumerable!)
Accepting that it’s possible to be ripe when you are ripe, that you may not be following a familiar path of overcoming adversity, doesn’t make a riveting story in the manner to which we’ve become accustomed.
Perhaps we can track the predominance of the struggle trope back to the popularity of the hero’s journey: the tale of the swashbuckling hero confronting and triumphing over symbolic dragons and ogres on the transformational journey.
To be clear: the hero’s journey is, of course, inspirational. We all have periods of darkness. We all love to win our battles. We all love to be inspired by others who can lead the way.
My point is that only some journeys are punctuated by ordeals. On other paths, there is no dragon. There may just be a path to walk—even a playground in which to frolic!
Moreover, we definitely do not need to manufacture a challenging transformation if there was no such ordeal. Our experience is not less worthy or true as a result.
Noticing my own addiction to struggle has been humbling and revealing. Releasing my own tendency to slip into struggle means that I am more present. (And I have more fun!)
Our addiction to struggle can lead us to devalue the gentle and humble evolution that can accompany development without drama. It can lead us to miss the happiness that can be found in the here and now, regardless of the circumstances.
My question for you is: where in your life are you struggling? How are you playing out this subconscious script yourself?
And what would your life be like if you were able to notice and celebrate your consistent and gentle evolution?
Would this, in fact, be a quiet liberation?
Photo by Daniel Lee
About Ezzie Spencer
Ezzie Spencer PhD muses on her blog about what lunar rhythms can teach us about life and spiritual practice. You can receive her complimentary lunar advice by clicking here. You can also find Ezzie on Facebook.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
So very true Ezzie, Life does not have to be a struggle and our transformations and accomplishments do not have to come after years of struggle. Many who become successful in the eyes of the world tend to have a struggle story behind them, but when we are present, there really is no struggle.
Great wisdom! I repeatedly “slip” back into over identifying with my suffering when nothing is really wrong! I can often laugh at myself afterward, but when I’m in it I act like the apocalypse is upon me!
nicely written Ezzie!! u know life does not have to be a struggle u have to life every moment of it then you can understand how it is. 🙂
Same here 🙂
So inspiring, thanks 🙂
It’s hard to let go when it seems like it is expected of you to work hard at everything in order to get anywhere. Marriage is hard work; you don’t get anywhere at work unless you go above and beyond, etc. “The early bird gets the worm”. We are conditioned to think that you have to over-exert yourself in order to be viewed as “successful”.
thank you for your words. I agree wholeheartedly that life does not have to be a struggle, however, if you happen to be one who did come from a traumatic upbringing…the quest for self love and acceptance- necessary to healing, do take on a sense of battle. And it isn’t one you chose for yourself. Ultimately, I find the battle to be against your own shadow. All all humans, in my opinion, have a shadow side (regardless of their experience growing up). In coming to full acceptance of your self, to gaining that sense of wholeness internally, is when you can live in the present moment
Oh, yes! Keeping our awareness when we slip into our struggle story is key.
“we are conditioned” – exactly, Heather. In consciously reframing these thoughts, we can experience greater ease.
Glad this resonated, Gigi 🙂
Ezzie a very meaningful article. I am struggling to accept that I am leaving a marriage after 30years and how much it hurts me. I know and believe in my heart it is the right thing for me but I have days when I struggle of what has happened to me at the age of 53.
At times I struggle when I think, that I am doing it completely alone with no support or income. Or where my path will lead me. So every day I stop and breathe and try to work on one issue at a time,stay positive and believe that I am being guided and protected.
And every day I read inspiring material which gives me the strength and support to not make the struggle seem too hard.
Wishing you ease and grace through this process, artemis.
Thank you, Mel. I agree completely. My childhood was rough, and still to this day I wonder why I was never good enough for my mother and why my step-father abused me. Then after going through a divorce 7 years ago, my self-worth is still in the toilet. 🙁 I feel like a failure, even though from the “outside” others say I’m not. My insides tell me otherwise. :/
Thank you so much for this insightful article Ezzie…it’s funny how that works. I often find myself creating issues in my mind about my life, things I’m “doing wrong”, things wrong with the world around me, with other people…only to realize I’m doing this out of habit. I for so long identified solely with my “struggle”, telling myself that because I was diagnosed with one or another mental disorder I MUST be having trouble and that there’s nothing I can do about it; then I remember that I have a choice in seeing things that way. The second I gave in to what is, to the present moment, I realized I had been spinning my tires in the same rut for a very long time (most of my life as I’m only 23) and trying so hard to resist everything around me. I realized happiness is possible, but I have to believe in my heart it is possible and stop believing that I’ll have to struggle my whole life to be happy. I still fall into that pattern from time to time…but as the days go by, it gets easier to allow myself to be happy, and that is all I could hope for. Sometimes it is very nice to hear we are not alone. 🙂
Beautiful. I’ve been studying pain addiction for years, and it’s such a widespread phenomenon, that’s it is an oddity to come across someone who isn’t caught up in the cycle in one way or another. Thank you for sharing your experience so others can benefit.
This hit pretty close to home. I feel like I’ve been struggling to find meaningful work (and not even in a spiritual sense) and that I constantly have to be learning something new to augment my skills or completely change direction. But that doesn’t mean I can go to the gym any less, or participate any less in events at the local Buddhist Center, or do any less socializing. It’s overwhelming and exhausting. And the truth is that I like my job just fine. No one at work is pressuring me to augment my skills in my spare time, and I’d be fine continuing on this career path. But I just can’t seem to sit still.
great read, really spoke to me. I will be reflecting about this and how it takes form in my life. reminds me of an alan watts segment in which he expressed that we hold a strong belief to struggle to achieve anything (or to achieve illumination) for it to be real, as if to justify/validate our efforts
Thank you so much. Really struck a chord that has been brewing in me for quite some time.
a couple positive things have happened recently, and i’m so used to everything being a struggle that I find myself feeling anxious when i think about them. so anxious that sometimes i find myself thinking that i almost wish the good thing hadn’t happened, because i don’t know how to react when good, positive things happen to me–only difficulties and obstacles. i don’t want this to hold me back, but i’m unsure of how to accept good things into my life.
rubymae, do you follow my blog? I write about how to work with the natural lunar cycle to learn how to receive more- it’s a safe, slow and gentle technique. x
Stunning article Ezzie, thank you for sharing. Learning and experiencing life in ease sounds much more appealing than the struggle I’ve created and latch on to. This is beautiful, thank you.