āYouāre imperfect, and youāre wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.ā ~BrenĆ© Brown
I canāt remember exactly what it was my friend was trying to convince me I could do, but I had an argument to counter every bit of encouragement. There was no shortage to the ways I believed I wasnāt good enough.
She was trying to help me see myself the way she saw meāas someone smart, capable, and full of potential. I wasnāt buying it.
Iād been pretending for so long to be a better person than I really believed myself to be. I thought any positive thing another person said about me was just an indication that she was fooled by my illusion. If she could see who I really was, sheād change her mind about me.
I was tired of trying to convince her that I wasnāt actually as good as Iād been pretending to be. In desperation I finally asked the question I thought would end the conversation. Tears streamed down my face and the muscles in my chest squeezed so tightly that I could hardly choke out the words, āDo you have any idea how much I hate myself?ā
āYes,ā she said, āI do.ā
I was taken aback. I guess Iād expected my revelation to shock her. Apparently I hadnāt been hiding my self-loathing as well as Iād thought.
Part of me was relieved to know that maybe someone did actually see how much I was hurting. At the same time, I was terrified to discover that anyone could see more of me than I chose to reveal. I didnāt trust that she, or anyone else, could ever really understand.
Looking back, I think she did understand more than I originally gave her credit for. She may not have known exactly what I was feeling, but she knew what it was to hate oneself. Sheād hated herself too.
While I was filled with self-loathing, my life was focused on keeping others from seeing who I really was. I didnāt like myself and couldnāt see how it was possible for anyone else to like me either. I hid while pretending to be someone I hoped was more loveable.
I chased after accomplishments to prove to myself and to others that I was worthy of love, but it was never enough. I couldnāt do or be all the things I thought were expected of me. There was always something more to prove.
For years I thought life would always be that way, but recently I was surprised to realize that I donāt hate myself anymore. Of course, there are still plenty of things about myself I wish were different, but my self-loathing is being replaced by acceptance.
I didnāt set out specifically to learn how to stop hating myselfāI didnāt think that was possible. Instead, I was searching for direction in terms of a career. I was wondering how to make friends.
I read books and articles, listened to podcasts, and even worked with a life coach with the hope of making myself better. There wasnāt a particular experience or single idea that made the difference. What I found is an array of small practices and simple concepts that are helping me learn to embrace who I am.
The shift has been gradual enough that I didnāt notice how much Iād changed until I relived the memory of that old conversation. Iām no longer paralyzed by the belief that no matter what I do Iāll never be worthy of love. Iām slowly learning to trust and value myself for who I am, even as I acknowledge that thereās always room for growth.
1. Allowing myself to be a work in progress
Iāve put a lot of pressure on myself to always know what Iām doing and never make mistakes. Iāve missed opportunities to try something new because I was so afraid of looking silly. Iāve given up on things I want to do because I couldnāt do them as well as I thought I should.
Being a beginner is just plain uncomfortable, but we all have to start somewhere. Iām learning that my value doesnāt come from getting everything right the first time. Instead, itās the mistakes and failures and trying again that help me learn and grow.
I can be proud of myself for being willing to practice again and again. Itās the baby steps, tiny changes, and consistent willingness to try again that develop the qualities I hope to embody.
2. Being curious about who I am
For much of my life, I defined myself by the ways I didnāt measure up to the person I thought others expected me to be. I didnāt know who I wasāonly who I was not.
Iāve started shifting my questions. Instead of wondering why I donāt care about whatās supposed to matter to me, Iām discovering what does matter to me. Instead of looking to others for clues about what I should think, Iām asking myself what I actually think.
Iām learning that being different from someone else doesnāt necessarily mean one of us is wrong. Recognizing that thereās more than one right way to be is freeing me to start exploring my own strengths, personality, values, and preferences.
3. Letting go of what I canāt control
Iāve fallen into the trap of believing that if I could just do and say all the right things, then people would like me. Iāve made it my responsibility to try to make sure the people around me are always happy. Thatās a lot of pressure.
The thing is, I canāt control what others think of me or how they experience life. I can only be responsible for my own actions and intentions. Iām learning to focus more of my time and energy on living in a way that reflects my personal values instead of trying to control other peopleās perceptions.
4. Doing things that scare me
A lot of things scare me. Iāve let my fear hold me back from many things I want to do. Iāve hated myself for being a coward.
Iām learning that bravery isnāt the absence of fear. Courage isnāt something a person either has or doesnāt. Fear doesnāt just go away if we wait long enough.
Iād always wanted to waterski, but was afraid of looking silly or getting hurt. I did take a few tumbles while I was learning. To be honest, I still get nervous every time I get behind a boat, but now Iām also anticipating the fun of skimming across the water.
I want to have deep friendships, but inviting an acquaintance to get together for coffee or introducing myself to someone I admire online feels vulnerable. What if she doesnāt like me? What if I say the wrong thing? The thing is, I donāt always click with everyone I talk to, but through taking the risk to reach out Iāve met some wonderful friends.
Every time I do something that scares me, I build trust that Iām capable of doing more than I previously believed possible and that a failure isnāt the end. Iām learning to work with my fear instead of letting it define me.
5. Chatting with my inner critic
My inner critic can be incessant and quite mean. For the longest time I believed everything she said about me and accepted the way she talked to me.
Then I started paying attention to what I was actually saying about myself. What if some of the awful things I believed about myself werenāt actually true? How might my life be different if I talked to myself with encouragement instead of criticism?
One of my favorite ways to question the critical thoughts inside my head and translate them into more helpful language is to write out a dialogue with my inner critic in my journal. In these back and forth conversations, I can uncover what my inner critic is trying to accomplish by being so mean.
As counterintuitive as it seems, often sheās actually trying to protect me. She tells me Iām awkward and annoying in hopes that Iāll be careful to only say things that are sure to win approval…or even better, that Iāll stay home where thereās no risk of being rejected. She tries to discourage me from sharing my writing anywhere it might be criticized by warning me Iāll never measure up to all the other amazing writers out there.
When I take the time to understand the motivations beyond my inner criticās harsh words, I can decide for myself which risks Iām willing to take instead of just believing Iām not good enough. I can also start shifting how I talk to myself by asking her to rephrase her concerns in a kinder way.
6. Asking myself what I think
I have a tendency to try to figure out what other people think before deciding what Iāll do or think or say. Iāve made a lot of decisions based on what I believe other people think I should do. When those decisions arenāt a good fit for me, Iām quick to assume itās an indication that thereās something wrong with me.
Iām learning that I can consider other peopleās opinions without denying my own. Disagreeing doesnāt have to mean Iām wrong. When I take the time to ask myself what I think, I get to know myself better, reinforce my trust in my own value, and choose a life thatās right for me.
7. Feeling all my emotions
I used to think certain emotions were wrong to feel. I didnāt believe I had a right to feel angry or sad or hurt. There was always someone who had it worse than me.
I tried to suppress my feelings, but theyād get stuck inside and lash out in unexpected ways. I hated myself for not being able to control how I felt.
But there is no quota on feelings. Feeling my emotions doesnāt take away from anyone elseās experience. On the contrary, it increases my compassion for others.
How I feel doesnāt make me good or bad, but it does give me information about whatās going on inside me. Iām getting curious about what is behind the emotions Iām feeling instead of criticizing myself for feeling them. Itās not my job to control how I feel, itās my job to choose my response to those feelings.
8. Making space for fun and joy
I used to feel guilty when I took time for anything fun. I didnāt think I deserved it. Hard work and sacrifice were the only truly noble uses of time.
These days I intentionally make space in my schedule to do the things I really enjoyāsewing, experimenting with art supplies, walking in nature. Not only does having fun energize me, it also reminds me that Iām worthy of care. Iām learning so much about myself and how I can create more beauty and connection in this world.
9. Sharing vulnerably with another person
Self-hatred prompted me to hide from others. I tried to only show a version of myself that I thought would be accepted. I was terrified Iād be rejected and alone if people knew the truth about me.
Itās hard to let another person see my fears, disappointments, and hopes. I donāt want anyone to know I make mistakes. Itās painful enough to hate myselfāI couldnāt bear the thought of other people hating me too.
But itās actually when Iām willing to share my vulnerable parts with another person that Iām reminded Iām not alone. We all have struggles. I can choose to hide mine or give another person an opportunity to support me.
10. Asking others how they see me
I have a tendency to assume I know what others think of me…and I tend to assume itās bad. Making these assumptions keeps me from knowing the truth about how others actually see me. It also denies the support and encouragement they try to give me.
One of the scariest exercises Iāve done is asking people close to me to share what our relationship means to them, what they see as my strengths, and what qualities they like about me. It feels so presumptuous to ask another person to say something nice about me. What if they think Iām arrogant? What if they canāt think of anything positive to say?
And yet, in taking that risk, I get a glimpse of myself from another perspective. Sometimes I get stuck filtering my view of myself through all the ways I believe Iām not good enough. I need someone else to point out the parts of myself I just canāt see.
11. Compiling evidence
I still often default to focusing on the ways I donāt measure up. Sometimes I need a reminder of the best parts of who I am. Iām continually working to develop a habit of noticing the qualities I value instead of just looking for things to criticize.
I journal most days and I reserve the last three lines of the page for a set of small lists. I look back over the previous day and list what I am grateful for, evidence that I am loved, and ways that I am good enough. Each day these lists help me practice looking for my worth instead of just all the ways I fall short.
When Iām feeling low, itās hard to remember the good things about myself. I keep a small notebook where I record compliments and positive comments others make about me, as well as the things Iām learning to value about myself. I turn back to this notebook when my opinion of myself could use a boost.
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We donāt have to wallow in self-hatred, but leaping straight to self-love can feel impossible. Instead, we can make small shifts and adopt simple practices to help us learn to accept and value who we are right now, even as we continue to change and grow.
Will you join me? Choose one idea or practice to try this week. Remember, youāre allowed to be a work in progress!
Iād love to hear how it goes. What are your biggest obstacles to self-acceptance? What has helped you learn to appreciate who you are instead of beating yourself up for something youāre not? Let me know in the comments!
About Johanna Schram
Johanna Schram is a certified life coach and writer who supports fellow humans to stop the people-pleasing and start trusting themselves. She helps people recognize their inherent worth, express themselves with courage and integrity, and connect deeply in relationships. Learn more about Johanna and get access to the free self-trust library at johannaschram.com.