“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins
I am always making up stories about what others think of me or what they really meant when they made that comment. And I typically make up the worst case scenario. According to my brain, everyone is mean-spirited and ridiculing me.
This is not an uplifting way to live one’s life. The pessimistic stories I create are generated in part by my low self-esteem, and by convincing myself they’re true, I continue to fuel it. My constantly negative perceptions affect my relationships with others and overall mood in a harmful way.
I recently experienced a huge breakthrough in regard to this aspect of my thought processes. I am a huge fan of Dr. Brené Brown’s work and recently read her newest book Rising Strong. One of my biggest takeaways was this one phrase that will improve your relationships: “The story I’m making up…”
Why We Make Up Stories
As humans, our brains make up stories. We automatically search for meaning. If there is a lack of information, then we will try to fill in that gap.
Studies have shown that we like stories to make sense or fulfill a pattern, and we will use our own experiences as reference for this.
Brown actually says that research shows we get a dopamine hit when we recognize a pattern. Our brains especially like it if the story can give us more insight into how to protect ourselves and secure our survival.
This is why we make up stories to explain why bad things happen. If we know the cause, next time we can plan accordingly to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately, even though we honestly believe them to be true, the stories we make up are usually at least somewhat inaccurate.
This is where the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” works to clear things up in our interactions with others.
How to Use It
“The story I’m making up…” can be used in times of struggle or conflict with another person. Perhaps a co-worker quickly changed the subject after you expressed a concern about a project. You can use this phrase to say, “The story I’m making up is that I’m being dismissed because my opinion is not valued.”
Or maybe your significant other flipped on the television when it’s supposed to be date night. You can say, “The story I’m making up is that our relationship is not a priority to you.” It is an effective tool that can be used in family, friend, work, and romantic relationships.
Recently my husband and I were arguing. He shared his feelings with me, which is often challenging for him. Because I know he really appreciates physical affection (and I struggle to give it), I chose to pull him into a hug instead of responding verbally.
The hug did not feel reciprocal as his arms were loosely around me. I was vulnerable when I offered physical affection, and his lackluster embrace registered as a cold shoulder to me. I was feeling very hurt as I told him, “The story I’m making up is that this lifeless hug is an expression of rejection.”
He apologized and explained that he did not intend to reject me; he was just feeling thrown off by my lack of spoken response.
His mind was whirling trying to figure out a sense-making story as well. “The story I’m making up…” created a space for us to share our intentions and feelings and work through the misunderstandings in a calm and safe environment.
Why Use It
The beauty of this phrase is that it provides the setting to speak openly without initiating a defensive reaction from whomever you’re speaking with. It allows you to honestly express your experience while still taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is a disarming method of communication that leads to a more productive dialogue.
“The story I’m making up…” becomes an opportunity to revisit a confusing or troubling situation. From there you can challenge your perceptions and reality-check them against the viewpoint of the other person. It provides space for the other person to clarify their intentions.
The majority of the time this phrase stops an argument before it can even start for me and my husband. When one of us is feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood, we tell the other what story we’re making up.
Oftentimes the other person clears up the issue without any conflict because typically our intentions with one another are good.
Miscommunication and negative assumption are the causes of so much unintentional and unnecessary conflict in relationships. Instead of getting into a fight or silently resenting the other person, using the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” establishes a safe place for meaningful dialogue to gain better understanding of the situation and one another.
You may realize there actually is no issue, or if there is, you can continue to work through it together in a respectful and effective manner.
Communication image via Shutterstock
About Grace Furman
Grace is a writer and blogger at Heartful Habits. Heartful Habits is a place of inspiration for what Grace calls living mindfully and heartfully. She loves learning and sharing wellness tips, natural remedies, healthy recipes, beauty DIYs, homemade green cleaners, social issues, and more. You can find out more by subscribing and following Heartful Habits on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“The story I’m making up…” is a really powerful phrase for me. I knew the concept of making up stories to explain situation in our lives, but having this phrase ready in my mind is going to be really helpful when I’m in the thick of confronting difficult emotions. Like now! Thanks!
That’s awesome that you’re already familiar with the concept. I hope this phrase will help you in effective communication with whatever your situation is.
I LOVE this! The phrase that has been utilized for the last two decades has been, “What I hear you saying is…” I have never felt completely comfortable with it, as by the time it gets to the other person’s ears, it can sound like an attack. Mostly because of the word “you.” This is so much better. This is someone owning their own story and their own thoughts and also extending trust and vulnerability to those we interact with. The key is not becoming attached to one’s story and always being open for it to change.
Exactly! “What I hear you saying…” can still sound like it’s the other person’s fault or intention. While the message of “The story I’m making up…” is completely owned by the speaker. I hope you’ll find it useful in your own interactions.
That sounds like something we learn in DBT! It does help… especially realizing that usually what we assume other people are thinking or feeling isn’t what they are ACTUALLY thinking or feeling!
Oh, interesting! I’m not familiar with DBT, but you’re so right about our assumptions rarely being accurate.
Thank you Grace, I really loved reading this post. It is so true that if we are aware of our stories and them being our points of view, conversations and conflict becomes so much easier to deal with.
You’re very welcome! I definitely find it hard to implement (since I want things to be other people’s fault), but it’s really worth it. Thank you for reading and commenting. 🙂
“What I hear you saying” was devised for the listener to convey to the speaker what they *heard,* for two reasons: 1-so that the speaker can be assured that the other person truly does hear and validate them; and 2-so that if the listener hasn’t heard correctly, the speaker can try to clarify. The emphasis remains on the “What I hear,” to emphasize that the listener knows they may be mistaken. It’s a way to ensure, in a dialog setting, that two people are on the same page. I’m sorry to hear that this phrase is taking on other meanings.
Suggested alternative: “Here’s how I understood what you said…” I often follow that up with a question, such as: “Did I hear you correctly?” or “Is that right?” Re-stating but then asking for confirmation puts the onus onto the listener while leaving the speaker free to agree or clarify.
Using “the story” helps me remember that I can change the story. It’s a great way to attain a tiny bit of detachment quickly, which can help shift my perspective when I’m emotional.
I’m concerned about the “…that I’m making up” part, though. I’d never say that out loud to a co-worker or boss. And I wouldn’t want to impose that on someone else (e.g., “The story that you’re making up…”), because it might convey a sense that the speaker is deliberately fabricating. How about a hybrid for those situations: “So if I understand you correctly,…” or “Are you saying that…”?
This post is excellent. I definitely make up stories and I can honestly say that it has led to estrangement from and significant others. I’m more mindful of this habit now, but it’s still a work in process.
I’m in the same boat, as I’m sure most others are as well. Becoming aware of it is the first step, so that’s awesome!
Oh, wow. Thanks for that explanation. I like the question added at the end as well.
I do think it’s easier to use this phrase with those are familiar with it or at least the concept behind it, and I would certainly not suggest using it as “The story you’re making up…”
Your hybrid options sound great too. Use what you’re comfortable with, and don’t worry about the rest.
It’s a lifetime project, writing both the the “little stories” and our “Big Story.” When key parts of the story are in doubt, which they often are, it’s important to backtrack and untangle whatever happened with that person, if possible. Dreams on the topic add excellent concepts and images.
It’s also interesting to see that as one part of the narrative is “cleaned up,” the other parts begin to morph to fit the new alignment.
Great article – thanks!
Very insightful. I love how you described our lives as both little stories and the Big Story.
I love the concept behind this idea (this behind-the-scenes view is very similar to my way of thinking), although I think that each person should come up with their own variation that works for them. Like a “safe word” for argumentative discussions. 🙂
My partner & I decided that “from my perspective” or “in my mind” probably works better for us. It helps us determine where the blanks are being incorrectly filled while still owning your feelings. It’s hard to resist saying “you’re making me feel like you don’t care” but that casts blame & puts the other person on the defensive. What seems even better is taking “you” out of the conversation as much as possible, such as “in my mind, people ignore me because they think I’m annoying.” Perhaps that would set the perspective to a more global, third-person, objective conversation than accusatory.
Good point! I love the idea of coming up with a particular “safe word”-type phrase. The two you mentioned here both sound great as well.
So many things here resonate! I always say “when in doubt, get in communication.” We tend to believe the meanings we assign to our stories to be true, even if it’s at the cost of our happiness and self-expression. I mean, we could spend a whole lifetime in a story just to be right about it! At the end of the day, I find what’s usually missing is getting out of my head and into real conversation that can make all the difference. And as you outline that starts with taking accountability. “MY story” of how it’s occurring for me. Thank you for illustrating exactly how to create an opening for effective communication. Awesome post, Grace!
Wonderful post. I too have fallen victim to negative self talk but am consciously trying to be more positive during times of doubt. I am now searching for a powerful phrase that resonates with me 🙂
Thank you! What a sweet and legitimate way to frame our responses!
Excellent post. It’s so easy to let one’s imagination run riot. I know I often find myself wondering if X meant this or that.
Exactly. It’s best to clarify those meanings or let them go if we cannot.
You’re very welcome. I hope you find it useful and effective in your interactions.
That’s great. Awareness is an important first step to creating change.
Thank you! I’m so glad it resonated with you. I love your, “When in doubt, get in communication” maxim. It’s true we need to be honest and talk with others to reality-check our thoughts before they get away from us.
Can relate to what you said Grace, many times I have been in an argument or a challenging situation with a person and make up stories that are way out of what the real truth is. Like you say it was because I was lacking in confidence and self-esteem and was not sure of myself.
The story I’m making up is solipsistic.
Here’s another phrase to prevent resentments and arguments, ‘You may be right”, or ‘You may be correct”.
Anyone who has studied any form of NLP should be able to give you 20 phrases along the same lines. Robins just packaged the information and sold it to the rubes like a carnival huckster.
Fabulous article. Thank you. The brain is such a powerful yet seductive tool. Powerful because we can look at the world, close our eyes and still see a mental picture of the world. Seductive because our mental picture can seem so real that we usually believe the picture has replaced the world. One of my favorite authors, Eckhart Tolle, calls believing the brain judgment, and calls withdrawing our complete belief in the mental picture forgiveness.
How would that be the translation in Spanish? . It doesn’t sound right. La historia que me estoy inventando.
How about “I’m a complete retard, but…”
This is exactly me … but without the “story I’m making up.” My partner looks at this as being a liar and a bullshitter. It doesn’t matter whether there is an explanation for it or not. Now as a result it has affected our relationship to the point where she doesn’t know if she can ever trust me again. She is in recovery for alcoholism, I have read books that explain this same thing and yet even with the explanations, she still says I don’t care if there is a logical explanation for what you did, I don’t like to be lied to. I am more conscious of trying to respond vs react with the hopes that she will eventually trust me again … but it is such a hard go.
I cried
This is perfect! I’m definitely goint to start using it! In every conflict, intentions truly matter but we also assume we know exactly why the other person acted the way they did. One of my favorite quotes go something like so: People judge us based on what they see us do and what they hear us say. We judge ourselves based on our intentions; people cannot see our intentions.