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A 7-Step Plan for Finding Love After a Devastating Breakup

“Resilience in love means finding strength from within that you can share with others.” ~Sheryl Sandberg

It took me a couple months to start repairing my broken heart after the toughest breakup of my life. I thought we were going to spend our lives together, but the gods of love had other plans.

After I’d grieved in healthy (and not-so-healthy ways) I knew I could take two paths: stay stuck in my misery or pick myself up, dust off my sadness, and make a plan to move on.

And now it’s time for you to move on and find love again, too.

I know it’s not easy. For years I believed my ex was “the one” and the thought of finding someone new after our breakup was terrifying.

But I got back on my horse and kept riding. I felt the fear of rejection, putting myself out there again, playing the “dating game,” trusting someone new, and wasting my time with people I didn’t connect with.

But finding love doesn’t have to be complicated and scary if you follow a plan, just like anything else in life.

You want to start your own business, take a vacation, or get out of debt? Make a plan.

You want to find love? You’ve got to make a plan for that, too.

If you don’t have a plan you’ll continue stumbling around in the dark hoping you’ll miraculously find true love. So if you’re struggling to find love and tired of the same old patterns leading you into the arms of the wrong people, then listen up…

Step 1: Let go of your ex.

Have you really let go of your ex and moved on from your breakup?

If you haven’t let go, you’re not going to find love. Period.

On the first date I went on after my breakup I talked about my ex. A lot. I knew I was breaking the sacred rules of first dates, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to hide my true feelings. Because the fact was I was still sad about it. It was clear to me that I wasn’t yet over the breakup.

But I also understood that if I had my ex and my breakup on my mind there was never going to be room for new love to enter.

Do you still have negative feelings around your breakup? Are you holding onto anger, shame, or resentment?

If you want to find a new partner and true love, you’ve got to let that stuff go.

Whether you’re getting over a recent breakup or a breakup that happened months or even years ago, you have to let go.

How?

First, stop avoiding and suppressing your negative feelings. We avoid dealing with our feelings in all sorts of ways: binge-watching television, eating, sex, alcohol, drugs, and telling people, “Everything is fine,” when we’re actually a hot mess.

Instead of avoiding and suppressing, let your feelings flow through you and get comfortable with the discomfort. Don’t chastise yourself for the feelings. Ask yourself, “Where is this coming from?” and, “Why is this coming up NOW?” Getting curious is always healthier than suppression.

Second, get back to doing things you love. Sometimes when we’re in a long-term relationship, we lose ourselves. Go do things that light you up inside and bring you joy. Go take that hip-hop dance class, join a new gym, or write the book you’ve been putting off.

And finally, make sure you have someone who listens to you without judgment and will let you vent when you need to. You think you don’t have someone to talk to? Think harder. You might be surprised of how willing people are to help and listen when you tell them how much you’re hurting. Exploring solutions is always easier when we have someone who listens instead of feeding us useless clichés like, “Time will heal.”

Other solutions to exploring our feelings are support groups in your community, online forums, or starting a journaling practice. Get the stuff out and you’ll be surprised how much easier it becomes to let it go.

Step 2: Believe that you have more than one soul mate.

“But Eric,” you say, “I already found my soul mate and now they’re gone!”

It’s okay. All is not lost.

Because there’s no such thing as having only one soul mate on this planet. If you’ve already found one, good for you! But guess what? There are more out there!

How do I know that for sure? I don’t. But if you want to go on staying stuck in your breakup and feeling sad about losing your soul mate, I can guarantee you won’t find a new person who brings out the light inside of you, who makes you feel special, wanted, and supported.

Believing you have only one soul mate is nothing more than a limiting belief—and limiting beliefs are meant to be overcome.

If you haven’t yet found a soul mate, this is still an important point to understand. If you convince yourself there’s only one soul mate for you out there, you’re going to put too much pressure on every new relationship you enter into. Remember, there are multiple soul mates out there for you. But I promise, if you’re lying on the couch watching Netflix, you’re not going to find them.

Step 3: Don’t date people just because they’re the exact opposite of your ex.

When you go through a devastating breakup you convince yourself that you’ll never date someone like your ex ever again! “That’s it!” you scream, “I’m going for someone totally different than my ex!”

Your ex hated spontaneity and adventure? You’re going after a rock-climbing, world-traveling, adrenaline-seeker.

Your ex had blonde hair? Only brunettes from now on!

Your ex didn’t like reading, cats, Star Wars, trying new restaurants, the opera, camping, people-watching, or road trips? You get the idea.

But the problem with this approach is that it’s a knee-jerk reaction. Instead of thinking about what you really, truly want in a relationship, you jump in blindly. Dating someone just because they’re not like your ex probably won’t end well.

The solution?

Go to Step 4.

Step 4: Get clear on your values.

Our values are the guiding lights in our lives.

If you’re not clear on what you value, how can you find someone who shares your values? Because if you’re dating people who don’t share the same values as you, it’ll never work.

Think about your past relationships. Remember those times when you first started dating someone and you discovered something that didn’t jive with your values? And remember how you brushed it to the side and said, “It’s probably not that big of a deal. Maybe I’ll change….or maybe they’ll change.”

Sound familiar?

Fast-forward to your breakup. I’ll bet some of those old clashes in values came up throughout the breakup process, didn’t they?

Get clear on your values and don’t negotiate, undermine, or reduce them. Stay true to them and find a partner who shares your values. If you do this, you’ll be taking a huge step toward finding love again.

Step 5: Say “no” to relationships that are a waste of your time (and theirs).

It’s hard to say “no.” We don’t like hurting people’s feelings and letting people down, so we say “yes” to things we shouldn’t. Then we kick ourselves afterward for not having had the guts to say “no.”

When we delay our “nos” we’re wasting our time and the other person’s time. We go on third, fourth, and fifth dates with people who we’re really not interested in, but we just can’t tell them the words, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be with you.” Instead, we draw it out into a painful process of indecision, stress, and fear.

How do you say “no” to someone you’re not interested in continuing dating?

You say, “I’m sorry, but I know what I’m looking for in a partner and you’re not that person.”

Now, you don’t have to use those exact words. You have to find your own balance between honesty, compassion, and staying true to your values. Because if you’re clear on your values after Step 4, there’s no reason to waste your time with people who don’t align with what you’re looking for.

And really, what’s so bad about saying, “You’re not the partner for me?” Personally, I’d rather hear that and say my goodbyes than feel attacked by a laundry list of all the areas I lack and reasons we’re not a good couple. Just because things didn’t work out with someone doesn’t necessarily mean I should change; maybe it just means there’s a better match out there for me.

Yes, people might feel hurt by your honesty. But ultimately, that’s for them to deal with. I don’t say that to be callous; I say that because people aren’t going to grow if you lie to them, coddle them, and keep saying “yes” when you’d rather say “no.” Ultimately, that honesty is going to help both of you move forward in a healthier way.

Step 6: Improve yourself.

No matter how many self-help books and articles on Tiny Buddha that you’ve read, we all have blind spots and weaknesses.

After my latest breakup, I realized I needed to work on some things. I reflected on my fear of commitment. I got clear on my core values. I worked on my ability to communicate my feelings around tough subjects like sex, money, and having children.

I read new books, worked with a coach, and traveled by myself. I met new people and shared life experiences with them in a vulnerable way.

It’s really hard to take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves, “Where have I been going wrong? What can I do to make myself better?” It’s so much easier to point a finger and say, “It’s your fault! Not mine!”

But true growth can only happen when we look inside ourselves. When you grow and become a better version of yourself you’ll develop more confidence—and we all know confident people are a lot more likely to find true love.

Step 7: Work it!

If you’re ready to find someone new, you have to go out and find them.

It drives me a tad crazy when people say, “I want to find love, but if it happens it happens. I’m not going to go out looking for it! I’ll let the universe do its thing.”

Are you kidding me? When is the last time something that made your life better came to you while you were sitting around doing nothing?

If you want to find love, go out there and look for it!

When we put ourselves out there, get out of our comfort zones, and face our fears, amazing things start to happen.

Go to social gatherings with new people. Find common interest groups in your community. Talk to a stranger on the bus or metro. Hell, give online dating a try!

If you want to find love, you have to get out there and meet new people. Sure, each time isn’t going to be a fruitful experience, but that’s what it’s about. When good things start to happen (which they will) you’ll look back and understand all the effort was worth it.

Now, this seventh step isn’t about obsessing over finding love to the point that it’s unhealthy. If you’ve followed the steps above this shouldn’t be a concern because you’re now feeling more confident in your own skin. If you get better at saying “no,” get clear on your values, and improve yourself, then you’re ready to find love.

But if you’re afraid of being alone for the rest of your life and desperate to find a partner no matter how wrong they are for you, you’re not ready for Step 7. Go back and work through Steps 1 to 6 until you’re ready to find love for the right reasons.

Don’t forget…

Finding love isn’t easy. This plan can take a long time to master.

But when you find that special person you’ll know that all the effort, struggle, rejection, failure, and time-investment was worth it.

True love is a beautiful thing. It shouldn’t be degraded to a pipe dream for the lonely-hearts-club. True love is something that everyone should strive for because life is a lot more fun when we can share it with a person who brings out the light inside of us.

If you haven’t found love yet, please don’t give up. It’s out there. And if you follow the right plan, I know you’re going to find it.

About Eric Ibey

Eric Ibey is a speaker, adventurer, and storyteller. He is the creator of the Breakup Challenge, which has helped hundreds of people let go and move on after a tough breakup or divorce. Eric lives in Montreal, Canada.

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Sandra Nelson

Hi,
Thank you for your post and I do think that we really have to embrace larger truths about “soul mates” and that we do and will continuously meet people throughout our lives that serve a purpose.
I do want to note that I do think that while we are grieving or letting go of the past, we not only have to be responsible to ourselves but we have to be responsible toward other people around us. I was recently entangled by someone who claimed he was over his ex when he wasn’t and was effectively used for a period of time only to find out he went back to this person who was apparently cheating on him. I don’t think this was responsible or respectful of him as it hurt me greatly and I felt (still feel) very abused by this situation. To think I was some person in the middle of him “figuring out” things was quite egregious actually and I’m nauseated to think I was part of this.
Dating is great way to move forward but only if it can be done respectfully of others and when someone is in a comfortable place to actually connect with others.

Eric

Hi Sandra,

Perhaps I should write a post titled, “10 Red Flag Warning Signs Your Partner Isn’t Really Over Their Ex!” But honestly, I’m not sure where I’d start since every situation and new relationship is unique. Sometimes we find success, sometimes we don’t. I’m sorry to hear you had to deal with a difficult situation like that. When we open our hearts and trust people, there will be times that we get let down. But I hope that doesn’t mean you stop trying. I have no doubt that good things will happen to you if you stay honest and true to yourself.

Take care and thanks for your message.
Eric

Sandra Nelson

Thanks, Eric. I don’t like to use this word often but I truthfully think I was “triggered” by the post and I don’t think you were unclear in any way with regards to moving forward and dating. Thank you, again.

Eric

You’re welcome!

anna

Wow, ya know, I think some of this is probably true, but I think the delivery was yes, harsh, and not very compassionate for being on this particular site. Especially coming from a man, this is the last kind of thing I want to receive coming from somebody of the opposite sex,

“You say, “I’m sorry, but I know what I’m looking for in a partner and you’re not that person.”
Sounds harsh?

And really, what’s so bad about saying, “You’re not the partner for me?” Shouldn’t people appreciate honesty?

Yes, they should. But people aren’t like that and they might feel hurt. But that’s their problem, not yours.”

… I mean really man? I’m actually surprised they allowed you to publish this here. People are like that. People (and in your case, women) appreciate honesty. But what they don’t appreciate is this disconnected, callousness that says, “Sorry if you’re hurt. Not my problem.” There is a way to deliver a harsh message – but this isn’t really a great way, I can tell you that. You can be honest, without be harmful.

Yikes.

Eric

Hi Anna,

Thank you for your comment. You brought up a good point and it helped me reflect on the words I chose to use. I never want the message I’m trying to deliver to be lost in harsh or callous language. As such, I’ve edited my article. I feel like I was able to stay true to my message while using language that is more in-line with my own values.

Thanks again for bringing this to my attention and I wish you all the best.

Eric

olgirlrightthere

i’m experiencing a lot of anxiety and i’m not sure what to do with it. i decided to take things slow with this new person but they’ve made it apparent they like me and i can tell their feelings are growing. they’re communicative of their feelings that’s really awesome to hear because honestly i haven’t heard something like that in a very long time. but when they kiss me, i feel like i’m forcing myself to do so. maybe i’m lingering around the obvious, but i’m not sure if it’s the fact i’m not use to someone being interested in me and communicative of their feelings or i’m not as into them as they are to me.

things are different now when it comes to me and relationships. i decided to pull back but i see their feelings are intensifying and i’m getting even more anxiety around them. it was easier to be comfortable in my growing feelings before they told me they liked me.

what to do?

Kathy

Thanks. Great article. I just can’t handle online dating and have been feeling that I must remain in my feminine energy and that I mustn’t strive to find the right man. I’d rather just get out there and meet people in real life.

sian e lewis

Perhaps it would be kinder to ourselves if we accepted the possibly that we may never find a special person again and just try learning to be content following our own interests.Knowing what kind of person we would like in our lives, cannot in the real world guarantee that we will necessarily find that person.

Ms. Sonali Gedam

Sorry !!Not so good article!! It just okay!! I feel “True love start with ourselves” !!

Eric

Hi,

I don’t think it’s very responsible to give you advice based on a short paragraph of information. There are many more questions I’d like to ask. But, I will offer this:

If it feels forced when you’re kissing someone, it might mean you’re just not that into them. Perhaps you should take more time for yourself right now and reflect on the reasons why you think things are different now when it comes to you and relationships. Maybe you’re not ready, yet. Hard to say. But if things feel difficult and you’re in the early stages of a relationship, I think that might mean it would be best to give yourself some distance to figure out what you really want.

Best of luck,
Eric

Eric

Hi Kathy,

Happy to hear you enjoyed the article!

I totally agree with you. I prefer to meet people in real life, too. That being said, I have found that online dating can be a good way to break the ice and get the ball rolling when it comes to meeting new people. I’ve tried online dating, and although it can be frustrating, I have met some great people who I’ve made connections with. They’re not necessarily people I want to date long term, but it’s always good to chat, share ideas, and learn about new people.

Thanks for your comment!
Eric

Eric

Hi Sian,

I agree with you. First and foremost, follow your own interests and stay true to yourself. What your comment says to me is to not have expectations when it comes to finding that “special person.” If we remain open to the possibility of meeting new people and embrace the opportunities when they’re presented to us, who knows what will happen. But going into it without high expectations is a healthier approach, in my opinion.

Eric

Connie Diaz De Teran

Great article Eric! You are so right about finding someone who shares your values. We are all so incredibly different and to deny that is to truly jeopardize your chances of finding anyone compatible. From our upbringing, spiritual beliefs, our experiences, all these things ultimately form who we are and how we see the world. Our physical attributes are only a shell and don’t tell the entire story. We must dig deeper and ask the right questions to get to the core of who we are dealing with.

Eric

Well said, Connie. Thanks for your comment and I’m happy to hear you enjoyed my article!