“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Here I am, huddled up close to the wood burner, my only source of heat, sitting on an old recliner chair that was given to me, in a rented apartment with windows soaked with condensation. Outside it is cold, wet, and dreary, a typical English winter’s day.
My business folded in July with substantial personal debt and I turned forty-four in August.
Perhaps not the most heart-warming start to a post, but rather some raw facts of how my life is now, not x number of years ago before I turned my life around, but now! I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this situation I find myself.
In July when I folded my never very successful business resulting in substantial personal debt, the first thing I did was completely freak out—panic attacks, endless anxiety, depressive thoughts, the whole nine yards.
I went to my doctor who gave me anti-anxiety medication without a second thought. I tried them for a couple of months, but I had been down that route before and this time I felt that it was not the solution to my problems. So after consulting with the doc I carefully weaned myself off of them.
What I needed was answers as to what was causing me so much pain inside rather than a Band-Aid to cover it. I needed to find out why I seemed to have spent my entire life under a shadow, a shadow from which I never felt comfortable emerging to engage fully with the world for fear of being seen.
Enter Tiny Buddha. I found Tiny Buddha by chance while endlessly searching for answers as to what was broken in me. What I discovered after reading hundreds of posts was a revelation: I am not broken.
After digging deeper, I began to realize that I was locked in a trance most of the time, a trance created by my egoic mind. A trance shaped by fear during my formative years. My psyche was trying to protect me from the fear and lack of safety I felt when growing up; it was trying to keep me safe.
My childhood interpretation of the events I experienced, combined with non-compassionate and non-understanding authority figures, led my psyche to decide that the best way to deal with life was to retreat to a place of safety and hide, to not get involved or be exposed in any way.
It met any situation or event that it interpreted as fearful with vigorous resistance.
As most things in life contain some element of fear and anticipation, especially new things, my egoic mind trance was active most of the time, constantly in the background, ready to come to my rescue at the slightest whiff of perceived danger.
The irony is that my mind’s way of “rescuing” me was to paralyze me with feelings of dread, worry, and anxiety, coupled with the physical feelings associated with panic.
It’s not easy when your egoic mind has spent the greater part of your life trying to convince you that it is the only place where you are safe.
Over the years the egoic mind has plenty of time to really go to town building a devilishly intricate trance machine that becomes deeply entrenched in the psyche. Mine was so entrenched that I thought it was me. Until recently, that is.
What I am learning from reading many posts on Tiny Buddha, which led me to books, podcasts, and other resources on the subject of the being, is this:
1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.
Our thoughts come from the egoic mind. We are the awareness that hears the thoughts.
When you talk to yourself inside your mind, to whom are you actually talking? It is your awareness, and that is who you are, that is your being. Not the thoughts.
Your thoughts are just constructs of your egoic mind. You can actually choose to let them float on by without believing or engaging them, should you choose to.
2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.
Back in the days of caves and things with sharp pointy teeth, you were more likely to survive if you were ever vigilant of danger—meaning the genes that favored this behavior were more likely to get passed down… to you.
The egoic mind thinks it is helping you by keeping you safe and trapped inside a trance. It is not its fault, and you have to face your trance thoughts with compassion and love, and be able to forgive yourself. It really isn’t your fault.
3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.
Observe thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. Try not to allow yourself to become absorbed in your thoughts and go into trance, but do not punish yourself if you do.
Be kind and compassionate to yourself when you recognize you have drifted away and start fresh in the moment, returning to a state of mindful awareness whenever you can.
4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.
For example, “Oh, this is fear I am feeling, just fear,” or “I feel you dread and worry; it’s okay,” or “Hello shame and unworthiness; I see you.”
This technique of compassionate recognition will reduce the power they have over you, as you have exposed them for what they really are: just thoughts.
5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.
Another fun thing we inherited from our ancestors is that the fear of something can become embedded in our long-term memory even after a single, brief exposure to it. Conversely, it takes much longer and repeated exposure to positive stimuli before they are committed to long-term memory.
6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.
This will allow them to flow through and out of you rather than be kept inside to be constantly recycled.
Do not beat yourself up if you find it difficult to let go of thinking. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It took you more than a few days to learn to read and write. It will take a little time for you to calm your egoic mind and let your awareness shine through.
This is the path I have begun to walk. I’ve begun to let go of expectations about others and myself; to learn to be compassionate and to love myself; to accept who I am, and where I am in this moment; to try not to judge others or myself. To know that in this moment everything is okay.
And now that my cat is lying on my lap, I guess that means it is time to finish this. Life is all about these moments.
Photo by D.Ph
About Josh Bowler
Josh Bowler is a musician, writer and ecologist stepping back on the path he inadvertently left 24 years ago and finding it is all still there just waiting to be seen. He has a blog telluwot.com/complete-being/ and has written a short guidebook on the subject of dealing with anxiety and stress.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Lovely, Thank you very much!
you are welcome 🙂
I definitely have to write these tips down. They are not only helpful but crucial for my transformation to become the greatest version of myself. Thank you for this.
As someone who has let their anxiety (sometimes severe) control many of their actions, this really hits home. With the help of some medication and therapy, I’m proud to say that I’ve come a long way in the past few years. That said, I still have a long way to go. Thanks for the great article! I’ll bookmark this for when I find myself in that rut of overthinking. 🙂
Great help! Been dealing with negative thoughts for a lot of years now. Mindfulness really helped me identify the thoughts and especially the books of Echhard Tolle learned me that we are not our thoughts.
I am always still falling back in my old behaviour of negative thinking after a moment of positivity, so reading a post like this is a good reminder to pick myself up again and not identify with the thoughts which once created a false save place for me.
Still figuring out how to keep my mind on track and not letting my negativity take over again (it is so damn smart and always finds a backdoor, hidden as a positive thought), but I think it is point 4 that i need to master: practice!
Brilliant post – yay to encouraging people to know and be with what they feel, to be curious and objective about their thoughts, and to your reassuring and validating honesty. Loved your website as well, I’ll be curious to hear more about your journey as it continues to evolve and move forward.
Trance is the right word. Thanks for the great article.
Tiny Buddha saved me, too! I also wrote for her in gratitude! It’s the best site ever! Thank you for the sentence, “Our thoughts come from the egoic mind. We are the awareness that hears the thoughts.” That’s the most succinct, helpful description of awareness that I’ve ever heard! Discovering that space between the ego and the self changed my life, and I’m spending the rest of it striving to live in that space and take conscious direction. Thank you so much for the reminder that I am not my ego. As usual, Tiny Buddha delivers the message I need to hear, exactly when I most need to hear it!
Fantastic post, these are exactly the things I do to bring love back into my heart and free myself from fear…which is an exercise in each moment that I repeat, hoping it will get strong and the muscle memory will become more natural!
Thanks Josh. Just EXACTLY the words I needed to read today. Cheers!
Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing!
hi, we just have to try to remain conscious of our thoughts as much as we can,. and may be smile and accept our imperfections when we realise we have slipped back into letting our ego be the master of who we are
hi, over thinking is something we are all guilty of. When I find myself doing it I try to remind myself that they are thoughts and nothing more. I found that fighting it made it worse so I let just let them come, I welcome them. cheers, Josh
Hi Talya, you are welcome, cheers,, Josh
Thanks Teri,, it’s great to share what we learn on our own unique journeys
your welcome 🙂
Hi Diana, I like your phrase, ‘to bring love back into my heart’ thank you
hi Lisa, it’s empowering to us all that we can share and encourage each other in this way. 🙂 Josh
Your Welcome Amna
Hi Maggie, thanks for your kind words, my website, like me, is a work in progress 😉 cheers,, Josh
Love this!!! Especially #3 and learning to ‘see the space between the real you and the egoic mind.’ I started a daily meditation practice almost 2 months ago and I can’t begin to express how helpful it has been. That ‘space’ is getting ever bigger, and I find it spilling over into my relationships and the gut reactions and assumptions regarding others’ behaviors that often have nothing to do with me – even though my ego would like to tell me otherwise.
More often than not, my cat ends up in my lap during a meditation session. I’d like to think cats are good at seeking out peaceful spots, so your writing must be agreeing with you!
In the past month, having had an SUV slam into my 10month old car resulting in a concussion, finding out significant other health news, and just this week having had my partner of 7 years and I split? I DEFINITELY needed this and appreciate your honesty at the top.
I have been finding it daunting that I will be dealing with all that is going on alone in a large house that was meant to be my forever home with my other half.
Thank you so much for sharing and going to try to practice this as much as possible.
Such a great article. I’m currently going through a very hard time (stress, anxiety, depression, triple whamy) and finally understanding the difference between ego and who I am is awesome. I never thought of it as a trance…but that’s what it is, and I’ve felt it for a long time now. I was on medication, but it never really worked. I’ve even gone down the road of suicidal thoughts simply to escape my thoughts (if that makes sense). It definitely helps me hearing about this “trance” aspect… the fact that I need to WAKE UP and let me awareness thrive and not my ego. I think this article, out of the thousands I’ve read about personal growth, may actually do some good. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
By George, I believe you’ve got it! Fantastic article, Josh. (I bow.) Understanding the authentic self, releasing the ego, non-attachment (vairagya, in yoga) – I always aim to be like Kwai Chang Caine (from the Kung Fu TV show, which I watched as a kid). It’s taken years of practice and of giving myself permission to choose with authenticity (I choose not to drink alcohol, for example) and love, not from a place of fear or peer pressure. Wishing you peace, love, happiness and ease in your journey, Josh. Namaste.
This is exactly what I needed to read. I’m extremely tough on myself, and want to learn how to accept that I’m not broken, and that I am worthy. Thank you!
You are soooo very worthy Pam. You are here, now, on this planet, breathe it in.
Hi Rose, (grasshopper) no bowing please, unless its for a yoga pose 😉 we are all travelling in the same class on this journey. Cheers,, Josh
Hi J, I can personally relate to all that you say, as can so many more.
Hi Rosdubh, you are not alone even though your mind may be telling you this at the moment as it tries to problem solve and make sense out of the situation. There is a little phrase I say to myself often. ‘This Too Will Pass’
HI KB, I agree, meditation is great, and you can do it anywhere really. Just by ‘observing your breathe’ if you feel you are beginning to get lost or find yourself lost in thinking, can pull your back and give you some space
Hi Teri., Thanks 🙂
I have had big time anxiety over the past few months whilest This time last year I was so at peace with myself. But thinking about the changes I have made in my life with a new more stressful Job over the last 6 month’s. Which has made me to stop training from 11 hours per week to 2 taking the things that made me strong minded away has made me weak .misrible and panic striken. all because I was telling myself I needed more security . reading your article has given me a real sense for the power of my inner thoughts. thank you
Simple wonderful, Josh, thank you very much! I have been dealing with some old trauma kicking in after some years and with severely traumatizing beliefs I’ve had about life and about being a total victim, so anxiety and fear of bad things happening has been something I’ve had to learn how to deal with and how to grow beyond them, let them flow out of me and believe in myself and in my own abilities of being great and powerful and deserving wonderfulness 🙂 I am currently going through some big changes as my lover and I we’re trying to bring our long distance relationship into a new healthy level of living together and to surpass all the difficulties that come with not knowing yet how to achieve that, based on all the relationship fears and unworthiness we’ve had until now that created this pattern of distance and of lack of harmony on how to get to happily live in the same place. Would love to hear more from what you’ve learned, truly enjoyed your words here. Lots of love to you
Perfect reminder. Thank you 🙂
Tears are streaming down my face reading this. You have managed to encompass my thought process, and even the journey I have recently started to transform my deeply embedded thought process about my panic and fear. Reading this, right now, is exactly where I needed to be. Thank you for your honesty and wonderful insight. I know it will be a long journey, but one I am excited to continue and persevere through.Thank you, Josh.
WOW. Thanks. “I´m not broken”….
Josh I can not tell you how much I needed to read this right now at this very moment in time!!! It’s like you read my mind or something??? I’m getting deported in 13 day’s and getting sent back to England a place where I have not been in over 30 years.. I have no friends, no family, no work and no place to stay.. I literally scared myself to death with the thoughts of having nobody and nothing and living on the streets and going hungry and possibly being homeless.. I literally had a nervous breakdown and I tried to commit suicide because I thought that was the only way to get myself out of this mess that I had gotten myself into and I ended up in a psychiatric ward where they pumped me full off meds to numb the pain but they never fixed anything it was only a band-aid like you said!!! I’m still getting deported and I still have these problems and I still have these fears and I needed to take control of the situation even though I felt like I had no control and everything was now out of my hands and I had to learn to let go and let somebody else be in charge for once because obviously I’m not doing a very good Job of it up until now.. I’m going to miss my old apartment and all of my belongings but I guess I can always buy more but there are so many memories.. I have a Job here in America that I absolutely hate and my life sucks and I have no future here.. I have to question myself as to why I am fighting so hard to keep something that I don’t even like.. I guess I’m Just scared of change.. Nobody likes change at least not me but maybe that’s what I need right now so maybe 1-year from now I can write you another comment/book (my bad) and tell you about my happily ever after and how much better my life is now and that I was my own worse enemy and how ridiculous I sounded a year ago!!! Well I’ve saved up a little bit of money but no where near what I will need to be able to survive out there so I guess I will Just have to take it day by day and Just put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best!!! Thank-you for reading this and I hope that it can possibly help somebody else out one day *Namaste* Melanie
Great post, Josh. I’m hitting a similar path, and it’s good to know that it could finally be the right one. 🙂
HI Melanie, I truly hope it will all be ok for you. It’s hard not to resist and not to fight your current situation. Accepting what is right now can be so difficult and yet it’s only ever one step away. I wish you all the best, Josh
🙂
you’re welcome 🙂
Thanks for your comment Ella 🙂
your welcome 🙂
Thanks Laura
Thanks Josh that means the world to me!!! Take care and I’ll keep in touch!!!
HI Meredith, it can take a little time and practice to dissolve false believes about fear and panic, you will though, I wish you well 🙂
Such a great post, i too discovered and learning a lot through tinybuddha- a fantastic support community. i could relate to the works of the egoic mind, how it falsely makes you believe you are in a comfortable spot, like a bubble, and anything that pops or attempts to disturb that you have detailed justifications etc. amazing how ego had a grip on us. I’m in the same path of awareness and to NOT be identified by it. work in progress. 🙂
Hi melanie, sorry to butt in. I felt inclined to give a bit of advice if you allow me. I understand you’re going through a tough phase. But just have faith and believe that everything will be ok. Plus, if you are healthy and you can work, not only can you survive but also achieve great things! Shine on! All the best!
Such a powerful post – I’m not surprised it’s connected with so many people, including myself. Thank you so much, and may the sun shine on your journey. 🙂
Really helpful, especially recognising that it’s the egoic mind doing all the talking and that it can be stopped.