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50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem (Interview & Book Giveaway)

Love Yourself

Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are: Julie C. Perry and GoBubbles1.

Growing up, we learn innumerable things about how the world works and how we’re supposed to fit within it, but not all of us learn to recognize our own worth.

In fact, many of us learn the exact opposite—that we’re not worthy, not good enough, fundamentally lacking, inferior to others, and maybe even a disappointment to those who expected so much from us.

Perhaps more troubling, we may not even realize we believe these things. And if we do develop that awareness, we may then feel ashamed for not being as self-assured as the constant barrage of smiling faces on Facebook.

In case it isn’t abundantly clear, this was my experience growing up, and for many years after.

With a mounting pile of evidence that I deserved to be mistreated, it was easy to conclude that I wasn’t lovable. That it was something I did, or something I was, or something I wasn’t that led to any pain I experienced. That it was my fault.

I’ve since learned it wasn’t my fault—I was always lovable. But it is my responsibility to reinforce this belief by treating myself with kindness, respect, and compassion.

If you’ve struggled with this, as well, you may find tremendous value in Janetti Moratta’s book powerful 50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem.

50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem offers a blend of simple activities, journaling exercises, and meditation and mindfulness practices to help cultivate self-esteem.

The steps are designed to build on one another, allowing you to become more immersed in your present experience and less tortured by your thoughts about it.

Even if you only devote five minutes a day, the practices can help you increase your self-acceptance and self-compassion to feel more at peace with yourself, flaws and all.

I’m grateful that Janetti took the time to answer a few questions about her book and self-esteem, and that she’s provided two free copies of 50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem for Tiny Buddha readers.

50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem CoverThe Giveaway

To enter to win one of two free copies of 50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem:

  • Leave a comment below
  • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a copy of 50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem http://bit.ly/1IYmyXM

You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, June 26th.

The Interview

1. Tell us a little about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

After losing several pregnancies and attempting in vitro fertilization (IVF), egg donation, and adoption, my now twenty-year-old daughter was born from surrogacy.

During this six-year crisis, my sense of worth was reduced to a feeling of total inadequacy and failure. I found an East-West spiritual path that led me through this dark tunnel and later discovered mindfulness, which became my life practice.

I brought mindfulness into my work as a psychologist and developed an eight-week mindfulness-based program for fertility that works with the profound issues of self-worth and loss of control at the core of this life crisis.

When your best efforts to have a child fail and there is no control over the outcome, it’s easy to feel broken and compare yourself against others able to become parents.

Mindfulness, which lies at the heart of Buddhist psychology, uses awareness rather than control to meet life challenges and is based on the belief that we are already whole and complete just as we are.

By cultivating qualities of self-acceptance and self-compassion, we can invite our original goodness or “Buddha nature” to rise. Meeting self-esteem from a Buddhist perspective seemed to be the perfect antidote to the “problem of self-esteem” as it relates to the broad spectrum of life challenges.

It was thus my evolution of my own struggle with infertility, personal long-term meditation practice, and professional work as a psychologist inspired me to write 50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem.

2. Why do you think so many of us struggle with low self-esteem?

The struggle with low self-esteem is so common because we’re conditioned to look for comfort and security in outside factors that are constantly changing and to fight to lock in a permanent stamp of approval that can never be possible.

This is the “problem of self-esteem” that is part of the human dilemma and in particular at the center of Western culture.

We struggle to accept what Buddha described as the three basic truths of our existence: Life is difficult (suffering), everything changes (impermanence), and there is an ever-fluctuating flow of experience (no self).

As described in the book: We’re unable to control life, we fight against this lack of control, and we take this inability personally.

Our tendency to experience life from the outside-in inclines us to hold on to those parts of ourselves we like and get rid of those parts we dislike. In doing so we reject and abandon certain parts of ourselves. We’re not truly present and available to ourselves, others, or the world.

Our identity is wrapped around stories we tell about ourselves that erroneously confirm feelings of unworthiness.

From this position of vulnerability, we take things personally and wear a protective armor to defend our sense of self or “ego”—assumptions, beliefs, or stories about what we believe to be true.

We find ourselves in “me vs. them” mode, feeling separate and alone.

3. How does mindfulness help us overcome this struggle?

Mindfulness shifts our perspective from outside-in to inside-out: self-worth arises by cultivating qualities that make it possible to embrace all parts of yourself, just as you are. This invites your inherent worth or Buddha nature to come to the surface.

From an open, undefended position, you’re able to be truly present for yourself, others, and the experience of life. You operate from “we” mode and act from a place of kindness and concern.

As you learn to accept that everything changes, you recognize that success and failure wax and wane. When you begin to experience life as an unfolding process, you loosen the confines of defining yourself as being “this or that.”

As described in the 50 Mindful Steps: From a Buddhist perspective, self-esteem can be defined as self without definition.

4. In explaining the “Stop after the first arrow” exercise, you listed several cognitive distortions—thoughts that distort reality and lead us to feel bad about ourselves. Can you share some of these and how mindfulness helps us overcome them?

This exercise is based on the story of Buddha and the arrows to demonstrate the role of thoughts in suffering.

Buddha explains to his students that being struck by an arrow indeed produces unavoidable suffering, but the negative self-talk about having been wounded—i.e. “If only I had been more careful! What if I never walk again?”—is like being struck by a second arrow. This produces “optional suffering.”

The exercise invites you to place yourself into a forward folding yoga pose and for thirty seconds to flood yourself with unwholesome messages or cognitive distortions that lead to feels of negativity—i.e. “I wish I weren’t so stiff; there’s nothing I can do to not feel tight…”—and then to tune into the consequences of these unwholesome thoughts on how you felt emotionally and physically.

The pose is repeated and for another thirty seconds to flood yourself with wholesome messages or cognitive reframes that lead to feelings of positivity—i.e. “I can breathe through the discomfort; I can relax into the stretch.”—and then to tune into the consequences of these wholesome thoughts on how you felt emotionally and physically.

When our sense of self is threatened, we tend to identify with our thoughts and cling to them, causing emotional reactions that only confirm the validity of our thinking—i.e. “I’ll never amount to anything.”

Buddhist psychology contends the cause of mental suffering is due to our beliefs and how tightly we cling to them.

The objective is to loosen your clinging to thoughts and learn how to work with thoughts skillfully. You can then step back and witness thoughts as events as opposed to facts that define who you are.

Insight arises from mindfulness by asking yourself:

  • What leads to suffering, and what leads to the end of suffering?
  • What are you doing that’s skillful, and what are you doing that’s unskillful?

Focusing on these questions fosters an attitude of curiosity and directs attention not on the why but on the howhow to work with what’s happening.

Mindfulness helps you be with what’s happening and work with it (unavoidable suffering), rather than resist or fight against what’s happening and get stuck in it (optional suffering).

5. What is conditional self-esteem, and how can we start fostering the unconditional kind?

Conditional self-esteem is based on approval: outside evaluations and outcomes that determine your worth.

Mindful self-esteem, on the other hand, is based on self-acceptance: the ability to embrace all parts of yourself, without distinction.

When you focus on what’s wrong, you strive to fill the void in your desperate attempt to be okay. But when you focus on what’s right, you start from the perspective that you accept yourself as you are, with all your inadequacies and imperfections.

Curiously, it’s not until you accept yourself for who you are that you’re free to change. This is the paradox of self-acceptance and is at the forefront of understanding self-esteem from the perspective of mindfulness.

Acceptance, or being with what is, lies at the core of freedom from suffering. Resistance, or fighting against what is, which comes in the form of judgments, expectations, desires, and aversions, stands at the root of suffering.

Believing you have a problem and need to be fixed leads to desires and attachments. But accepting yourself with your assorted defects frees you from getting stuck in the quagmire of resistance.

You can appreciate who you already are: The realization that you’re already whole comes from accepting that this very moment itself is perfect and complete as it is. 

Mindfulness teaches that it’s not about trying to change the situation (external factors) but changing your relationship to the situation (internal factors) that makes all the difference.

Whether you’re engaging in the formal practice of meditation, or the informal practice of applying mindfulness through the day, most importantly notice the quality of your attention: How are you meeting yourself and your experience? How are you holding the moment?

Also of central importance, mindfulness teaches to turn toward that which is difficult—to turn toward that which you resist.

Notice your resistance. Resistance comes from wanting what you want and not wanting what you don’t want.

Are you resisting by trying too hard, fighting against what’s happening, or ignoring what’s happening altogether?

Are you judging, criticizing, shutting down, regretting, insisting, impatient, frustrated, angry, obsessed, lacking energy, bored, uninterested…?

Notice resistance in your thoughts, how resistance influences your emotions, and how resistance feels in your body.

Lean into the resistance so you get to know it—i.e. “What thoughts are connected to frustration, how does frustration feel in my body?” “What feelings are connected to judging myself critically, and how does self-judgment feel in my body?”

Notice what happens when you turn toward resistance with acceptance. “What does it feel like to just be with what’s happening in my mind, emotions, and body?” “What does it feel like to meet myself with kindness—to meet myself where I am?” “What does it feel like to want what I have rather than have what I want?”

Notice acceptance in your thinking, how acceptance influences your emotions, and how acceptance feels in your body.

6. What’s something we can do to foster self-compassion when we’re feeling down on ourselves for a failure, mistake, or flaw?

Mindfulness enables us to move toward painful thoughts with the qualities that arise from self-acceptance and awareness. Compassion allows us to hold our painful emotions and have the courage and security to venture into feelings of unworthiness so we can send ourselves sympathy and support.

Practices such as loving-kindness, tonglen, sympathetic joy, and gratitude strengthen compassion.

Recognizing how you feel and making room for your feelings is the first mindful step to foster self-compassion when we’re feeling down on ourselves for a failure, mistake, or flaw.

Next, it’s noticing how you’re holding what’s happening—i.e. “Am I meeting my experience with resistance in the form of negative self-judgment, guilt, regret, minimization?”

Notice what thoughts (cognitive distortions) are tied to these emotions, the energy behind these emotions (clinging or holding onto vs. avoiding or pushing away from), and how the body is manifesting these emotions (tightness, numbness, trembling, etc.).

When investigating how you’re relating to your experience, accept or allow whatever is present without identifying with your emotions, thoughts, or body sensations—without personalizing your experience as “belonging” to you or defining who you are.

You can then bring compassion in the following ways:

Practice mindful breathing.

Breathe into places of tension, saying to yourself, “This is hard and that’s okay, I can be with it.”

Practice loving-kindness.

Bring loving-kindness phrases into your heart: “May I hold this suffering with ease.” Loving-kindness helps to remind yourself that you’re already whole and complete and worthy of giving and receiving love.

Wear a half-smile (slightly turn the corners of your mouth upward). This subtle movement lifts your heart as you repeat the phrases of loving-kindness. If opposite feelings to loving-kindness arise, such as anger or resentment, recognize these pent-up feelings are being released.

If it’s too difficult to stay with the emotions, you can always choose to return to your breath to calm and center or stay with these feelings and bring loving-kindness toward them.

Practice tonglen.

Drop into your heart. Breathe in your suffering and breathe out relief of your suffering. Expand the practice to include others similarly suffering. Breathe in your common suffering and breathe out relief from this suffering.

Practice gratitude.

It’s helpful to appreciate what you have when doing well, but even more helpful to practice gratitude when feeling down. Acknowledge your painful feelings and then recognize your abilities—i.e. “I feel like a failure and I’m grateful to have mindfulness to know I am not my thoughts and I am not my feelings.”

Practice compassion.

Compassion is sending sympathy to yourself for your suffering. It’s not seeing yourself as a victim and putting yourself in the pity pot. Just like you, we all want to be happy and free from suffering. This is our common humanity.

Knowing that we all feel down on ourselves for personal failings helps us recognize the shared dilemma of self-esteem that we all struggle with at times.

You can get 50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem on Amazon here.

FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site.

Love yourself image via Shutterstock

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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Kathy Erickson

I do believe you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. Self-esteem is a slippery character…one that is difficult for many to hold on to.

Kara

So true. I love the Buddha theory of stress that we are only stressed or anxious because we are not present. If we are fully present, then our mind is present and therefore we aren’t consumed with these thoughts.
Such a harder concept to grasp though.

Kymberly

As many child abuse survivors, I struggle with low self esteem. Mindfulness and meditation have been helping ground the present, lessen future worries, and lighten the past. But it’s a daily struggle!

jillconyers

Self esteem is good. It’s the unconditional part that gets me.

Scott Fuller

I am currently unemployed and homeless, bouncing from sofa to sofa to sleep. To be able to read your book would be invaluable to me.

galfromaway

I can relate to the author’s struggle with fertility. This could be an amazing resource for me. I’m working to add mindfulness to my daily practice for many reasons… Sometimes self-acceptance and gentleness can be tough when you’ve been struggled with anxiety and depression for a long time. A struggle but one that becomes a daily practice.

Laura

What a great interview 🙂 really interested in checking this book out now!

Jordan Gonda

The multiple arrow story is amazing. It is true that we create our own suffering, furthering our current suffering. We need to slow down

A very useful book indeed and it sounds like there is much more richness inside these pages to read…love to win a copy!

Bridget Howe

I loved that interview and I love the sound of that book! Thank you for that lovely sample.

“Acceptance, or being with what is, lies at the core of freedom from suffering. Resistance, or fighting against what is, which comes in the form of judgments, expectations, desires, and aversions, stands at the root of suffering”.

I find myself aware of this truth but constantly struggle to get myself to acceptance of myself as is. Ah the irony. Anyways, would love a copy of the book!
BRIDGET.IRENE7@GMAIL.COM

Heidi Rodriguez

Thank you for this article! I look forward to Tiny Buddha every morning in my inbox. My day doesn’t start the same without it 🙂

Sej

Great interview! 🙂 Looking forward to reading the book! Thank you Tiny Buddha for all that you do!

Lene

Such a great interview! I really liked how she mentioned to remember the quality of our mindfulness. Hope this book goes out to someone that truly needs it =)

candi harris

Just wanted I need to read. Thank you.

Reo

Wow… I have been reflecting on this a lot the past week. Thank you. The book looks good, too.

Suzanne M

I love the idea of cultivating ease and breathing into our discomfort. Thank you so much for this enlightening interview. It’s always good to be reminded to practice compassion and loving kindness to ourselves as well as others.

Amber hirz

Ever since I’ve found Tiny Buddha it’s changed my life. Everything is so inspiring to me and very much helpful to my own self. I would love to own this book. I’m grateful for Tiny Buddha and all that it has impacted my life for the better.

Iant

I wonder if i can ever fully accept and be contented with myself. We can also end up questioning our self worth when we love someone and it is not reciprocated. Was a good read for me as i go through this hurt and try to grow as an individual.

Jean-Claude Tremblay

Self-esteem is so important in everything we do… I’m sure this book can help me build it up.
Thanks!

Fargo Ninja

I love your site!

Ro Zan

I would love to own this book. 🙂

Renee

I regularly check in on Twitter to see what Tiny Buddha has posted. I find most of the posts lighten my day.

Penny Brown Conlan

Tiny Buddha is inspirational and a handy reminder for my self care.

Jennifer Lee

This book sounds like just what I need right now. Would love to win this…. Tiny bubbha, keep up the great inspired work!

GoBubbles1

I love Tiny Buddha! Everything that is posted has helped me in one way or another. This site has shown me what a positive mindset can do, and I would really love to have this book!

Amber

I’d love to win this, recently I’ve been on a mission to ease back into being able to love myself and feel complete on my own

Diana Young

I’m really starting to come around to accepting how I feel about situations as ok, as opposed to thinking what I’m feeling as wrong. It’s really a huge shift. I’d love to win this book to keep learning how to reframe!

Vi Prewitt

This topic has come up in my meditation and reflection time over the last coupe of weeks. This definitely needs my attention.

thomas wilden

would be nice to read it, and give it away as a present afterwards to the next person in need of it

Tiniest Buddha

I would like to do this program and then pass it on.

Melisswd

I’ve been searching for a book like this for so long!
I always look forward to my Tiny Buddha posts, they are uplifting and usually just what I needed to hear

Teresa Rhoades

This is lovely….speaks to both heart and mind. Thank you. I love the Tiny Buddha newsletters! They make me think, feel and smile..

Cat D T

Wonderful article!

Simone Wilde

Love the title!

Looks like another GREAT BOOK!

Cathy

Hi Lori, some of the topics and self-esteem problems that you went through sound, so very familiar and I can truly relate to allot of it! Have been dealing with these things, sometimes better, most times, as now, debilitatinely worse.. And has been for a long while now… All of the articles I’ve read from you, through “tiny buddha” have been and Are so very helpful!! I have shared them, or e excerpts from them many times on facebook…. I would LOVE to receive your book, “50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem!” I have no doubt it would be very informative and Helpful! Thank you for all your Wonderful stories, and giving us the chance to win your book! The best of luck and love to you and the others who too. are interested in it, and can relate.. Thank You! ♡

mschoicealways

Thanks!

Adrienne Terrell

I would like to have this book!

Let It Be

Love Tiny Buddha! Have been working on mindfulness and Self-compassion for a year now. Looks like there may be some additional insights in this book that would be very helpful

grace

self esteem and confidence are things that I have really been trying to work on lately. this book would be wonderful to have. thanks for the posts and giveaway!

Valerie McBain

If the book is anything like the answers in this article, I would love to read it and incorporate it into my daily practice. I’m working on seeing my feelings as thoughts instead of becoming them.

Linda

I have been wanting to change for years, but somehow keep getting caught up with the external. Once the external accepts me, I stop trying to change. It happens then that things go south again and I end up devastated. I’m starting to learn that I must accept myself where I am and look to myself for love and comfort and validation rather than outside me. This article demonstrates this well. Thank you for the daily inspiration. And I’d like to be entered in the give-away. 🙂

Talya Price

I have had a love/hate relationship with myself and most of my life I have had a problem with self-esteem. I have my good days and my bad days. Because I am an unemployed actress; I feel worthless and a complete failure, I look in the mirror and sometimes I hate what I see. I feel like I am always in the wrong place and the wrong time and sometimes having the wrong color of skin. I am so happy to have read your article. It resonated with me.

Thank you for sharing your insight.

rachel

I’m fairly new to mindfulness and look for inspiration and encouragement where ever possible

Liz Greenaway

I so look forward to Tiny Budda posts everyday. Some days I think you have read my mind and have written that post exactly for me. Oh I am so special :). Other days I read an article and my wheels start turning and I move a little farther on my journey. Thank you so much for the posts and the giveaway!

Karen

This looks like a wonderful book that I would love to read.

Trisha

We are all worthy. Just by being born.

Trisha

We are all worthy. Just be being born.

Shauntay Vichelle Larkins

As usual Tiny Buddha, you do not disappoint. I am so grateful my best friend introduced me to this amazing resource almost 4 years ago.

Heather S

I would la la LOVE to win this

Amity

I think the universe is telling me to get this book!