“When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl
Bullies are everywhere. One of the most insidious and destructive forms of bullying is family bullying, because it’s often done in the name of love.
As someone who was bullied by family members for more years than I care to count, I spent a lot of time learning that most of the bullying going on was not about me or my failings—it was more about what other people needed to unload.
Family bullies often pretend to (or believe they can) help by offering criticism. But a majority of the criticism is usually designed to make the bully feel better rather than to help the victim.
In my family, bullying was the way my parents got rid of their feelings. After years of paying close attention to what was going on under the surface, I finally realized that the more emotions my parents were trying to deny in themselves, the more they put me down.
I also learned that there are ways to minimize the effects of relating to dysfunctional family members, and I’d like to share them with you.
1. Plan your responses ahead of time.
If you know what kinds of comments push your buttons, prepare responses ahead of time that allow you to hold on to your self-esteem.
For instance, if someone always comments on your parenting style, you can say, “I parent my kids according to my own values. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but that’s what I will continue to do.”
Use “I” messages rather than “you” messages, which means saying “I think” or “I feel” rather than “You always” or “You shouldn’t.” “I” messages keep the focus on what you’re trying to communicate, and are less likely to instigate an argument.
Practice your responses several times when you’re alone so they become automatic. When you’re in the midst of a heated situation, sometimes it’s hard to come up with a response that’s not habitual, so if you practice beforehand, standing up for yourself will begin to become a positive habit.
2. Stand up to the bully without hostility.
One tactic that often works to defuse criticism is to take a strong stance, look the person right in the eye, pause for a moment, and then say, “Excuse me?”
With this phrase, you’re letting the person know that you’re aware they’re putting you down or dumping on you, and you’re not going to take it. But the beauty of this phrase is that it’s not hostile; you’re not adding fuel to the fire or throwing your anger back at the other person.
You do need to take a strong stance, however, maintain eye contact, and say the words very clearly and distinctly. Sometimes this statement will stop the criticizer in his tracks as he steps back in his mind and hears what he actually said.
3. Remove yourself from the situation.
If you find yourself getting sucked into what the person says, take a break and go somewhere private. I used to go in the bathroom and scream silently, shake my hands, and shake my head. It helped to let the tension out of my body. Remind yourself that you don’t have to get caught up in the drama.
It can take some practice over time to remember to take a break, but when you step out of the situation over and over, you’re reminding yourself of your separateness and your awareness of the dysfunction, and validating your desire to stay out of the traps and become mentally healthier.
If you feel a need to leave the situation altogether, you do have the power to do that. People may get upset or yell or threaten you, but you’re not responsible for their feelings—you’re not responsible for calming them down, for solving their problems, or for ignoring your own needs in order to make them happy.
They’ll try to get you under their control again, but the more you pay attention to your own needs and act on them, the more respect you’ll develop for yourself.
4. Set boundaries.
Setting boundaries ahead of time can help you feel more in control of a situation. Tell everyone ahead of time that you can only stay for two hours at a family party, or that instead of cooking the holiday ham for the tenth year in a row, this time you’ll bring a salad.
You’ll need to be prepared for a backlash of “No! You can’t change! We liked you better when you let us control you!” But each time you stick to your guns, you’ll be growing stronger. Pay attention to your own needs and desires—they’re absolutely just as important as anyone else’s.
5. When you leave, leave it all behind you.
When you’ve just left a difficult situation, instead of rolling it around and around in your mind, set yourself a mental task of figuring out how to make it easier for yourself next time.
What would need to change? How could you respond in a way that helps you feel more centered and grounded? What kinds of boundaries could you set up before the next time you see them?
Ruminating over who said what and how awful it all felt for days afterward is a negative habit that reinforces old emotional patterns. Instead, remind yourself that the situation is over, and allow it to turn into a fading memory rather than constantly pulling it back into the front of your mind to relive over and over again.
People who are regularly criticized by others tend to be very critical of themselves, as well. Have compassion for yourself, and treat yourself with kindness. Most of us are actually doing a better job at everything than we think we are—no matter what anyone else believes or says.
About Katherine Mayfield
Katherine Mayfield is the award-winning author of a memoir about recovering from emotional abuse in her family, The Box of Daughter: Healing the Authentic Self. She’s also written several books on dysfunctional families, including Stand Your Ground: How to Cope with a Dysfunctional Family and Recover from Trauma. She blogs on dysfunctional families on her website, www.TheBoxofDaughter.com. Twitter: @K_Mayfield
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Excellent points, all. I would also add that sometimes the boundary you need to set is not to have that person in your life at all, which most people are aghast to even hear as an option. The fact is, most of us who have had these sorts of relationships with family members are the ones who most often hear why it would be wrong to remove their toxicity from our lives. It takes a lot of unlearning, self-love, and strength, but the end result has, for me, been a deeper peace than I could imagine before I made some very difficult decisions about family members’ involvement in my life.
I agree. Sometimes complete detachment from the family member is the only option that rewards sanity and peace. I
I find what also works is when other people are around, I ask them to repeat their bullying remark in a way that isn’t defensive or aggressive. Something like “Sorry I didn’t hear you. What did you say?” And if they repeat it, I ask again. After the third time, they’re so aware that what they’ve just said is out of line that they become very self-conscious and will drop it. And I’ve found they’re less likely to do it again because they’ll feel the embarrassment of being called out on their behavior without being able to claim victimhood. Works like a charm.
Earlier this year I did stand up to a bully with hostility which was wrong but after stuffing so much day after day, I exploded. Learned a big lesson in that. Last month my grandfather died. I had already stepped back from the family for my own sanity because of all the bullies. I was crushed and heart broken when I found out my grandpa passed because he was always my rock, even with our differences, he was the one person who went to bat for me when I needed someone most. He loved me and I loved him. He wasn’t just a grandpa, he was like a dad, the only one I truly ever had. Since his passing I have totally let go of my family, he was my last and only tie to them. I love what was said here,
“If you feel a need to leave the situation altogether, you do have the
power to do that. People may get upset or yell or threaten you, but
you’re not responsible for their feelings—you’re not responsible for
calming them down, for solving their problems, or for ignoring your own needs in order to make them happy.”
I also love this,
“People who are regularly criticized by others tend to be very critical
of themselves, as well. Have compassion for yourself, and treat yourself
with kindness. Most of us are actually doing a better job at everything
than we think we are—no matter what anyone else believes or says.”
So true and I soooo needed to hear this. Thank you! 🙂
Thank you for this article! I have had a very troubled relationship with my sister. I went through therapy to improve it because I yearn for that relationship, like in the movies, where the sisters are inseparable and best of friends. I never had that with my sister. In fact, she works towards hurting me and saying mean things that for 3 decades have really got me down. A reason my friend’s have always pointed out is that she is jealous, and honestly as a sister I would never be jealous of my siblings so I find it hard to believe that the hostility has been caused due to jealousy factor. My only solution to deal with her hostility has been to distant myself as much as possible to the point that sometimes months go by that we do not communicate. Of course, it’s hard to avoid family over the holidays, and with holiday season around the corner I always find anxiety building up inside of me. I have always tried to reflect on myself anytime she has said anything hostile or as referred to as “bullied” me, and thought it was perhaps something I had said or done that made her act that way. Reading your article makes me realize, that’s it her negativity that she is trying to channel it out on towards me. The fact is I still would love to know the reason WHY. Maybe, one day I will be able to resolve this…
Love this and I plan to use it – thanks
Hi Katherine
Great post and I loved all your points. The one about boundaries is really good. Ultimately, we can’t change people’s behavior, but we can set rules on how they need to be when they are around us IF they want to interact with us, and this might entail avoiding certain topics of conversation,etc.. I agree with Kirsten below that sometimes it is best not to interact with the person at all if the relationship is that harmful to us. This idea that we stick with family no matter what is a nice sentiment, but I am not a fan of absolutes, and sometimes, it is not the best approach depending on the people involved.
In my own life, I have found the study of law of attraction to be helpful in my dealings with other people. While we can’t make people do anything differently, examining our own beliefs and feelings to see why we may be experiencing these negative situations with others, can be helpful in lining up with different ‘versions’ of people and reducing interactions naturally, such as happening to not be at the house at the same time as our sister,etc without any conscious planning of it.
Great stuff!
I have had to distance myself from a sister who is both an alcoholic and someone who suffers from anxiety. While I feel compassion for her illnesses, I can no longer tolerate her nasty emails and comments and have chosen to limit the amount of contact I allow her to have with me. Unfortunately, she is not happy with these boundaries and every so often lashes out, but I now delete her emails before I respond as nastily to her. I don’t know what the holidays will bring with my family as this is new to all of us. But I refuse to act like one big happy family anymore after years of tolerating her behaviour to “keep the peace” for the sake of the family.
When I saw this, I clicked on the article right away. Glad to see attention given to bullying within the family. I feel almost embarrassed to admit it sometimes because the bullying is coming from people who love me. When they feel the need to control me (I’m the youngest), they do it, pushing all the buttons and poking holes in my boat. It has been a confusing issue for me because I find one sibling who is closest in age to me feels a huge need to control by eliciting a reaction from me on subjects she knows I’m sensitive about. I feel anger, but guilt for being angry at her. Other times I hear positive things, but when I grow or change too much, it makes them uncomfortable. I’m eager to use the points you mentioned. I can be loving AND protective of myself. I’ll never understand their world or why they do it. I can only work on myself.
Good for you, Kirsten! Sometimes that is absolutely the only way to stay sane and keep your center. I totally support you.
Excellent point. Thanks, Josephine! That can also help in future — the person may think twice before doing the same thing the next time.
You are very welcome. And I’m so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you can find that “rock” inside of yourself….
You’re welcome! One thing I’ve found that helps before the holidays is sending thoughts of peace ahead into that time, and imagining yourself feeling grounded and centered when you get there. You can also set a boundary on the time you’ll spend there — only 2 hours, or only an afternoon, etc. Good luck!
I agree — it’s not worth your self-esteem and all the angst just to keep the peace. You could plan a number of ways to get away for a bit if you need to — like “I’m a little stiff, I think I’ll take a short walk,” etc. I also support you in deleting her emails and standing back when you need to.
You’re right, Rosemarie — you can only work on yourself! Martha Beck once wrote about a form of love called “Spider Love,” which is essentially love mixed in with the controlling and bullying and draining. I wrote quite a bit about it in my memoir, The Box of Daughter.
You deserve to do what YOU need to do!
Hi, Kelli,
These are great suggestions — thank you. I think we do have some effect on what appears in our lives, and using the law of attraction to influence your family experiences is a wonderful idea. Also, I’ve found it’s helpful to place white light around myself and the other person, both before we meet and while we’re together.
I support you in keeping your distance when you need to. It can make all the difference.
See my post, but I too have had to realise that we may never have a relationship again xxx
To be fair, before I start my comment I understand that I have pretty strict behavior rules. My rules are: above all no lying, and don’t be hurtful towards people. You would be surprised how many people have problems with those two rules. I have also found that I am becoming more and more of an introvert. So read this keeping that in mind.
I have a similar relationship with my sister, however I am the “negative” offender. In my situation…it is definitely not jealousy. I am not sure if things are the same as my situation but I will add my two bits, if only to give a possible different perspective. At no point in time am I suggesting you behave this way, this is just a different point of view in a different situation. Maybe food for thought, your point of view has definately been enlightening for me and I thank you for sharing it.
What I am feeling is resentment, though not what you are thinking. Or better to say what I felt, because I actually do not contact her anymore, and she is much happier now and so am I. I am not, nor have I ever been, jealous of; her life, her chosen occupation, her living arrangements, her whatever. I wish her nothing but peace and harmony…and distance. I really do not want to live her life at all. I resent her not taking responsibility for her callous actions and words. She has said and done things that are…callous…borderline hateful. She does what she does, and says what she says without regard of the other persons feelings, or at least that is how I view it. In the past, I saw it as her not stopping to think about her actions, or take responsibility for her words, or even utter an apology. Many people labeled me jealous, and rather unpleasant names. I am far from jealous, and those names are far from accurate… well the names could be accurate 🙂 (I feel the are inaccurate). Again I wish her nothing but peace and harmony.
Maybe if you looked at it from another angle, perspective, or somebody else’s shoes you might see what she is feeling. Friends are great, they are your friends for a reason, and true friends are loyal and might not see what your sister sees. OR she might just be UBER negative, and UBER jealous. “She is beautiful and talented – I hate that” – Alaska, Ru Paul’s Drag Race. But you will never know unless you investigate from another perspective. It appears you tried everything else.
For what it is worth I hope you can work it out.
Thanks for this post!
I definitely have troubled relationships with my mom and dad. It is almost hard to believe that family members, especially people who raise you can also try and sink you down as well. Anytime they feel the need to judge me or be critical they are not afraid to vocalize it. I feel upset but also ashamed for allowing myself to believe it. I think boundaries are so important, especially strong ones between family members. New boundaries provoke harsh responses, but I’m growing and that what matters.
Best thing to do, honestly, is get away from them. Everything else is emergency only.
“I am not, nor have I ever been, jealous of; her life,”
What bullshit, lady.
Envy carries an extremely specific fragrance. You give it off in fumes and I’m not fooled. My sister’s much the same type of c-nt. It’s why you selected this commentator’s message, out of all others here, to respond challengingly to. You know what you are, how delicious her energy is to you, and what you’re up to. Deny it. I won’t back down. I feed off of fkfaces like you, frankly.
Don’t like my being direct with you? Then come at me.
LEAVE HER ALONE.
“For what it is worth I hope you can work it out.”
Ha ha ha.
You absolute c-nt.
Seriously. COME AT ME.
My grandmother is the family bully.
I’ve been bullied by my older sister most if not all of my life and she hasn’t stopped yet. I began keeping a record of it about ten years ago and I was surprised at how many instances of abuse (incidents) there have been (more than 30 that I could recall). It got started early. When I was three years old, I was in the hospital for several weeks and almost died. My mother told me just two years ago that my sister (then age 5) had said at that time, “Isn’t it nice to not have Dougie around!” This was apparently not rebuked by my mother.
When we had a Family Reunion to celebrate our parents 50th wedding anniversary 13 years ago, my sister really maximized opportunities to put me down. I had warned my wife (and reminded myself) to be on guard for abuse by my sister. But it seemed that nothing could have prepared us for what she did on the sixth and final night. She and my brother (unbeknownst to me and my wife) had planned a late evening video shoot interview of our parents (2nd such of the week so I learned later). It was a great idea, but they didn’t tell me about it. My wife and I went out earlier in the evening. When we came back, we saw that everyone (five people, my family) was in this particular cabin. So we tried to enter and join whatever it was. But my sister came from inside and met us at the door, blocking it, and said we could not enter because a shoot was in progress. That’s a lame reason because she was going to turn around and go back in herself. I could see inside from the door and my brother (using the camera) started complaining that there was commotion and he was unable to continue. But rather than find out what the commotion was, or even check to see if it was his brother, I saw him shrug with disappointment and made no effort to see who was at the door. My wife had gotten to the door before me and at being turned away she became so very upset that she cried for the next three hours. My sister blamed this crying on me (irrationally so). I was trying desperately to comfort my wife but she was inconsolable, hysterical. She couldn’t understand how her own sister-in-law could prevent her and me from entering a family event at a reunion. A couple of hours later, before my wife had recovered, my sister grabbed me by the belt on the back of my pants and dragged me out into the dark street. It was now 11 PM at night. My sister informed me that I am an abusive husband and that if I don’t shape up, my wife is going to leave me. Instead of arguing with her in the pitch black of that street (no street lights), I just hugged her and said “I love you.” She seemed surprised at this response. I think she wanted an argument, a fight. Unfortunately, she later erroneously interpreted this passive response as being my agreement with her that I was an abusive husband. Of course, there was never and never has been any evidence of abuse by me of my wife, nor could there be, because I don’t abuse her.
In retrospect, I think my wife and I should have grabbed our stuff that evening, gotten in our car, and gone home. But that would have been an eight hour ride starting at almost midnight, when I was already exhausted, so that’s why we waited till morning and the reunion was finished. We then took my parents out for a really nice breakfast on the wharf in Santa Cruz, and we didn’t mention the problems of the previous evening. In fact, I’ve never spoken of it with my parents.
As for my brother, he never acknowledged fault for failing to tell us about the video shoot, failing to invite us to watch. A couple years later, I asked him how the video turned out and he stated that he has not watched it, that it was somewhere in his attic. Three years after that, I asked him about the video again, and now he said that the video is lost. He’s a liar. I know he has the video. He wanted to shoot it and have it for himself without me being involved. I cannot tell you how much that hurts and I don’t know what I did to be rejected in this way. My brother is a very successful attorney and was valedictorian of his high school class and graduated with honors from Stanford and UCLA. Trust me, he has the video.
So it apparently never occurred to my parents (during the shoot) that my wife and I were not present for the shoot. Also I have a younger sister who was present for the shoot, I saw her sitting in a chair; she kept her mouth shut. A few years ago she claimed that she doesn’t recall that my wife and I came to the door of the cabin. So it was a clean sweep. My whole family rejected me and my wife at the family reunion. And nobody has ever thought that my sister ought to be confronted with her abusive conduct. Basically, my sister runs the family.
In the past 13 years, my sister has never apologized and never admitted any wrong-doing at the family reunion. She abused me again at our Dad’s memorial service five years ago. Here’s how that occurred… I had written and printed out a three-page tribute about our Dad and brought it with me to the venue. I showed it to Mom. She liked it so much that she handed it to the keynote speaker for the memorial. In front of about a dozen people (three hours before the service) the speaker read my tribute out loud and then turned to me and said, “This is really good writing!” (his informal way of saying “this is great”). Remember he’s processing what he will say at the service. A compliment like that from “Charles Swindoll”, author of over a hundred books, is very significant.
My Mom then said, make lots of copies of this and bring it for the reception. My wife took it to make copies. But she was somehow intercepted by my older sister who didn’t want my tribute to be on the reception table. Of course, at that point she had not read it. The reason she didn’t want it on the table was because I had written it. When my wife insisted that Mom wanted it on the table, the sister says, “just 20 copies”. My wife came back with the copies and I was a bit surprised to find out that my sister had managed to (once again) minimize my involvement. Since we were expecting over 600 people at the service, surely 20 copies would not be enough. We told Mom that the sister had limited the number of copies to 20. At this, Mom said, “What? Make a hundred!” My sister complained vigorously. The copies were free, so the cost was not the issue. My wife went back and made the additional copies and put them on the table. During the reception, the hundred copies ran out quickly and people were asking me, “Where can I get another copy?” We could have given out another 200 of them. I told them I would put it online.
My sister’s primary issue (besides “control”) seems to be that she observes that I’m a happily married person and enjoying life and she doesn’t want me to succeed. She has never wanted me to succeed at anything and I cannot remember any times in our childhood that she ever helped me with anything, only if she was ordered to by my Dad. Instead, she always would grab the attention of our parents’ friends. When I was MVP of the high school golf team (twice) she did not congratulate me, that’s just one example.
As for my Mom, she gets bombarded with advice and gossip from the sister who exercises extreme control. My wife has told me that on several occasions, Mom has asked her, “Is Doug treating you right?” She gets baffled by the question, as if there were ever a time that I did NOT treat her right. Furthermore, it’s embarrassing because it suggests that my wife should have sought domestic violence protection / shelter and bring charges against me for something. Finally, about a year ago, my wife asked my mother to please NOT ask such a question (Is Doug treating you right) because it’s so far-fetched. Obviously, my sister is feeding Mom damaging (prejudicial) information about me and my wife. Perhaps this sister fancies that she will one day rescue my wife out from my abusive clutches (forgive my melodramatic sarcasm).
Now, there will be a wedding of my brother’s son (our nephew) seven weeks from now and it’s only about 40 miles from our house. My wife (the ever-forgiving one) wants us to attend. Everyone will be there. Honestly? I don’t want to go. I don’t want yet another venue for my sister’s bullying. I’ve tried to forgive her time and again over the years but she cannot stop bullying me. I’ve told her several times now to leave us alone and have “no contact” but she just emailed me ten days ago to see if she could stay at our house around the wedding time. I wrote back and said, “no” and do not contact us any more.
I doubt if she will honor this request because she hates to not have control.
If there is one word that may sum up how it feels to have a sister like this, it might be the word “toxic.” To be continually marginalized and impugned causes me to be “on edge”, like walking on egg shells instead of being the victorious, energetic and happy person that I am inside. To avoid the toxicity, I think the best approach is to try to stay away from her and have no contact, if at all possible.
So, Katherine Mayfield, what’s your advice? Am I handling this as well as possible? Or do you have suggestions?
– Douglas
This was so, so good. THANK YOU. Your simplicity and eloquence is beautiful, and it really helped me focus on solutions rather than reliving the experience. I’m bookmarking this page and coming back often to get a refresher.
Katherine, if you are still out there, could you kindly respond to my post. Thanks, Douglas Gwinn
Hi, Douglas,
Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t really give advice, since I’m not a therapist, but I can say generally that the best thing for anyone to do is to take care of themselves, and step away to get some distance if possible when family entanglements become so overwhelming. I wish you comfort and peace.
Katherine
I hear you! It would be good if you could contact me?
I hate this response. Full of self-righteousness.
My sister is like this- morally superior. No one will ever be good enough, she will always dictate and circle like a hawk, waiting to criticise. It’s claustrophobic.
Your sister is an adult. You should be offering advice if and when she asks for it, not dictating. And if her choices are that bad, say your piece and step back, or signpost her to the right help. Don’t dehumsnised her with your apparent superiority. You sound like my sister, inflexible, legalistic and totally lacking in warmth.
Douglas,
I read your post and felt so sorry for what you are going through.
Have you looked up the Gray Rock Method of dealing with such people?
Loll idk why this mademelaugh
Thank you for such a great article. For years, I have been bullied by my mother. It started out as physical abuse when I was younger, but as I got older it was mental cruelty and literally sabotaging every relationship I had. It was out of pure spite and jealousy, and it took me years to finally come to terms that no matter how good of a person I am, how successful I am, she will never like me.
It is so hard to realize that all these years were such a waste of time trying to love someone that I wanted as a real mom. I look at my friends, and they go to lunch and shopping and have “girl” time and they love being together. All my mother wants from me is to drive her around and take her shopping, but there is no comoradorie between us no matter how hard I try. Ever since my father died five years ago, it has gotten worse. Now she has my sister helping her manipulate and bully me too. One example would be, my father left me a car before he died so I would have no car payment so it eould be easier for me to pay for college. Not long after he passed away, my mother demanded his car back and told me that if I did not bring it back she would have me arrested! Her own daughter! I never asked for the car, it was a gift, and because it was from my dad it meant even more to me. I ended up giving the car back, and I forgave her for being so cruel. Many of my friends told me that they would never forgive someone so mean and vindictive, but my dad taught me to always be the better person.
I could go on and on….it is never ending.
There is so much animosity coming from her, it is difficult to even call her, but I do. This article points out some valid points and some great advice. I have even considered cutting all communication from my mother and my sister, but I don’t want to regret it later. I still have a lot to decide, but thank you!
Interesting…. that is definitely thinking about the issue from another perspective than mine.
Thank you for your comments. I will take them into consideration.
My apologies for offending you.
I found this post very helpful. I’m currently going through a situation in which I’m being bullied by a family member but I am bullying him too. I am taking responsibility for my side of things, however since we’re living under the same roof and I cannot be responsible for his actions, I am having trouble seeing how I can remove myself from the situation. At the moment, I cannot find a place of my own, so I’m stuck here for a couple of months. What do you suggest I do? What are some ways I can deal with the situation without hurting myself or others in the process? Thanks in advance.
Thank you, I need to read this to deal with my stepmother. The evil stepmother. I look forward to the day I can walk away from her.
What about when the bully has children? I am trying to advise and help my nieces, whose mother (my sister) verbally abuses them and tells them that they’re the worst thing that ever happened to her. Their mother is crushing their self-esteem. I have no idea how help them other then hug them and tell them that they’re awesome.
Really love this! Thank you! X 🙂
As a bullying information activist, it is always hard to remember that bullying doesn’t just happen at school or work. I heard a story once where a boy’s dad made him fight his brothers and cousins while his dad and uncles watched. Whoever one from that group had to fight one of the adults. It seemed so unbelievable to me, until I heard stories that were even worse. Familial bullying can be more harmful, because these are the people you depend on to love you. Also, those that are bullied at home are much more likely to be the bully at school and in life. So, it’s a very important topic you are talking about. Thanks.
An excellent article which helped me put a name to what I have been experiencing for years now. Few of my family members whever i meet them i feel i am being ragged, as if my each and every word and action is being watched and judged. My response to this was to silent myself or distance myself from them which created another uproar al together that i was being disrespectful. I try almost all the points you have mentioned in the post and yes they help. I need to implement the “Excuse me” point(would love to see that look on their face.
Good post with actionable advice. Thank you
I grew up in a family that was always critical of me,and even now they always find something wrong.The only way I could stop it is recently cutting them off of my life.But that hurts me too.How do I stop the hurt? Any advice,would be a big help.Thanks.
I’m in a relationship with a man who is part of a large family. I’m far away from my own family so was initially excited to be becoming part of this new family. But get togethers are tense to say the least. There is a lot of unspoken and old hurt within the members and this can come out in various ways when they are together. The last one was the worse yet, and I had to quietly move to another room as I felt so uncomfortable. There’s probably not much I can do in these situations as an outsider, but not attend them if I can avoid going. However, after reading this I think my partner is one of the bullies in his family! I don’t know how to raise this with him. He has a good heart, and I’m confused and sad that this isn’t shown when he’s with his family. Should I discuss it with him? And if so, how?
I agree 100%. My husband and I have felt so much peace in our lives after blocking all communication from two very negative people in our family. There’s no reason to put up with negative or bullying people just because you are related, life’s too short.
Douglas,
I have a solution for you. I learned from life coaching and MBA classes about better decision making: there is 3 ways to go about a tough conflict situation 1. Wrong way 2. Correct way and 3. the compromise way. The compromise here is to keep your sanity but still somehow participate in the wedding happiness. Invite your nephew and fiance at your home for dinner few weeks before the wedding. If they come, make friends with his wife, welcome her to the family, bond with the nephew, politely tell him you cannot make the wedding (job, surgery make up anything) but want to show them love without ever mentioning your brothers and sisters behavior. Invite them again over the summer too. If they don’t come to your home, you know your answer that you should not have to sit at a wedding where you don’t feel comfortable nor welcome. Good luck to you, my sister is the same way to me, but I maintain my relationships by going around her, and if I sense someone brainwashing of my supporters where they are no longer my well wishers, I no longer spend time with them such as your bro, you sis, your mom, keep your distance politely.
“People who are regularly criticized by others tend to be very critical of themselves, as well. Have compassion for yourself, and treat yourself with kindness. Most of us are actually doing a better job at everything than we think we are—no matter what anyone else believes or says.” THANK YOU for that REMINDER & sharing some great insights; this was quite helpful…:)
true, but the hard thing to do is when they are close, in relationship, of course. like mom and sister.. and nobody else with you for some reason..
This Article is very helpful to me. Thanks!
YES! I have begun to stand my ground as well. Now, though, I am much more subtle in my approach. Rather than ‘taking the bait’ and unloading, I am better at ASKING 😉 A pause, then a simple, “What do you mean?” has proven extremely effective. “Why do you think that is so?” “Why do you FEEL I do that?”
Getting also that most of the times my most toxic family members are just angry people looking for something to allow them to ‘unload’. Their reactions are too much over too little. In no way does that excuse their behaviors, but it does allow me to have a better and more healthy perspective of why I no longer *have to* react. I can, instead, as a more healthy individual, choose to respond.
After my contentious divorce, I actually had to tell my family that they had to put aside their thoughts and feelings about me aside for my daughter’s sake. It was my crisis, loosing access to my daughter, home, and shared assets. Yet they were the ones saying the worst things about me. I ended up having to move in with my mother after and during all of this. I learned boundaries very quickly as well as games my family have all agreed to play. All communications go through my mom who everyone accepts has difficulties in relaying information accurately and without creativity. No one asks me anything about my life and depends upon her for all the details of my life. Did the part where I said that everyone agrees that my Mom is creative in relaying details?
Through all of this, I have been learning more and more about my-Self and those around me, what is of Me and what is of Them. I also get that they are really doing the very very best with what they have. THAT is the part that stings still. They really are doing the best they can and have no concept yet that their best is limited.
When I get my daughter and see what SHE is exposed to by my continued living around my mom and her ways, I used to relive my own young life. I get my-self better seeing how my Mom is, how she is with my young niece and nephew, and how she old-school parents my daughter. When my daughter asks why she yells so much, I answer her. Honestly and as truthfully as I can without making my mom look bad to a little girl who thinks the world of her but also can be scared to the bone of her.
Recently, my brother who has been helping me by having me on his cell phone bill, unloaded decades of anger upon me after a miscommunication. One of many things he fired to me via text was something about how I have no relationship worth speaking of with any members of our family. I panicked for a moment…Ok, SEVERAL, lol. Then, I got my clarity back. I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not care what he thought or felt about me. I get now that I could have worded that better, and also find some peace in communicating to him that what he thinks and feels about me as a person has no more power.
I also have had to explain to my mom that I would not be going on a decades long traditional family vacation. I explained to her that it was not logical for me to agree to spend a week in tight quarters with people who fundamentally did not like me especially when there were untold numbers of people in my life that do not share their view of me. I also told her that everything that she and the rest of the family thought and felt about me was absolutely true. All of it. Everything. And, that I was done fighting it. They could have whatever perspective they wanted of me from now on. It hurt feeling as if I ‘had’ to say it, but has helped me in getting that I am free from ‘having’ to fight.
I’m a minor and my mother is often snarky, she bullies me. It’s not unusual for me to hide in my room and cry more than daily. She doesn’t bully my sisters, only me. Perhaps because I’m the oldest, and I used to voice whenever I disagreed with her, but am trying to stop. I don’t have friends or a trusted adult. I’m homeschooled and it will be at least another year before I can go to public. What do you suggest I do?
I forgot to mention–she hated her mother growing up and is now obese. I don’t hate my mother, but I can’t say I love her either (ouch) and I fine myself eating after her jabs sometimes. I can see it developing into a problem in the future.
Perfect timing – i’m so grateful for your sharing this helpful perspective. Thank you,