“There’s no such thing as a ‘bad kid’—just angry, hurt, tired, scared, confused, impulsive ones expressing their feelings and needs the only way they know how. We owe it to every single one of them to always remember that.” ~Dr. Jessica Stephens
All children look up to their parents from the moment they enter this world. They have this beautiful, pure, unconditional love pouring out of them. Parents are on a pedestal. They are the ones who know what’s best! They are the grownups showing us how to do life!
We don’t think for one moment that they could be showing us the wrong way.
I, like many others, adored both my mum and dad. I could not see their flaws, their pains, or their trauma. I just loved them and wanted to spend time with them. If they shouted at me and told me I was wrong, I trusted that they were right, no question.
When I had non-existent self-esteem, anxiety, and suicidal ideation because I believed I was not good enough, I blamed that 100% on myself. I had unconsciously recorded all those moments when their behavior had made me feel not good enough as my own fault for being ‘bad,’ not considering they could have had something going on themselves.
When I struggled in romantic relationships, always chasing unavailable men, I held myself responsible and never for one minute thought that this pattern of behavior stemmed from my relationship with my parents. I believed what they had told me in different ways—that I was the problem!
The reason I struggled in relationships, I later discovered, was that my parents were not actually okay when they were parenting me because of their own traumas and were emotionally immature.
Here are five signs you had emotionally immature parents and how may it impact you.
1. Their feelings and needs were more important than yours.
Emotionally immature parents can be incredibly self-absorbed and distracted by their own feelings and emotions, and they want their child, you, to regulate them.
For example, when my mum was upset, I would be affectionate toward her and soothe her. As I got older, she would be angry with me if I was not there to soothe her when she needed it, saying I was selfish and she had no one. I believed her.
I was off playing with my friends and being a child, but this was not allowed if it meant I couldn’t meet her needs and calm her emotions. As a result, I learned it was not safe to choose my needs over hers, as she would withdraw her love from me, which felt so scary. My heart would race, and I would feel terror take over my body.
As an adult, this meant I believed I was responsible for other people’s emotions, and if they were angry or upset, it was my fault. So I would always walk around on eggshells just in case someone might attack me for upsetting them. Because I believed everyone’s pain was my fault, I attracted more relationships like the one with my mum. These relationships made me feel powerless.
2. Expressing your feelings or needs was not safe.
When you expressed a feeling and it was met with a negative reaction from your parent, it created a world of panic inside your body. For example, sharing how you were struggling could have been met with a comment about how their lives were so much worse and you should stop being so dramatic.
Expressing a need, like asking for a ride somewhere, could have launched an attack about how selfish you were—and didn’t you realize how hard your parents were working!
So what happened? You stopped expressing your feelings and needs and buried them deep. (For me, I topped them with ice cream and sugar for comfort.) As an adult, you may now be so cut off from your own emotions and needs that you act as if you don’t have any.
3. They did not take responsibility for their actions.
They’d say or do something that really hurt you, but they wouldn’t acknowledge it, nor apologize. In fact, they may have just carried on as normal.
Your relationship with them was not repaired as a result. You may have tried to resolve the situation, but you were the only one trying, and you may even have found yourself blamed for something you didn’t even do. The whole situation would leave you feeling crazy and like you didn’t know what’s true. You may even have started thinking it was your own fault.
As an adult, you might repeat this dynamic in other relationships, feeling powerless to repair and resolve issues that arise. This leads to resentment and staying in unhappy relationships because you don’t know it can be any other way.
4. They have no idea how to regulate their emotions.
They walked around triggered by their emotions all day. They had no idea how to bring themselves back into balance. They’d come home exhausted from work, but rather than doing something to discharge from the day, they’d get stuck in their chores and then take out their emotions on others due to resentment over being so tired.
They also might have had no idea what they were feeling. Maybe they were constantly angry because they lacked the self-awareness to recognize they were really feeling sad or anxious or overwhelmed. And because they didn’t know what they were feeling, they had no idea what they needed to do to feel better.
5. You were forced to grow up before your time.
It wasn’t okay for you to be a child. They found it way too stressful, so you were encouraged to be a little adult. Maybe even a little adult that parented them. It was also not safe for you to be a child. You couldn’t be loud or silly, as they could have lost their temper, so you walked around on high alert waiting for this. You may have learned to be the calm one because your parents weren’t.
I found myself getting involved in their very grown-up arguments as a child just to try and keep the peace in the house. This is not the role of a child. If you had the same experience, you may find yourself attracting similarly codependent relationships as an adult.
—
If this childhood sounds like yours, you are not alone. There are many of us. There is an inner child within you that missed out on so much love, nurturing, encouragement, and balance, which could be the reason you are struggling now as an adult.
It is not because you are not good enough or because you are to blame for everything. It is because you were raised by emotionally immature parents. Effectively, you were raised by children in adult bodies.
You could still be dealing with these patterns as an adult with your parents, as they could be children in even older bodies now!
Learning how to be emotionally mature yourself so you don’t repeat the patterns with your own children is a wonderful gift to be able to give them, but also it means you can have healthy relationships and find peace within. Healing and reparenting your inner child means you will be able to express your emotions and have boundaries so others don’t think it is okay to do the same to you.
I used to feel powerless when people treated me like this, not just with my parents but in other relationships too. I would try to be whatever they wanted me to be, but they would still react in the same ways no matter what I did. Stepping back from them and focusing on healing my inner child, understanding her feelings and needs, and holding space for her has changed my life. I was able to become the parent I always longed for.
I understand now that my parents were emotionally immature, as they were raised by emotionally immature parents too. They were mature with money and jobs, but with emotions, they were out of their depth because no one showed them how to manage them, and unfortunately, they never learned.
But we can be the generation that breaks this pattern by being the emotionally mature parent we needed. We can be the example of healthy relationship dynamics that we never had.
**This post was originally published in 2022.
About Manpreet Johal Bernie
Manpreet is the creator of the podcast Heart’s Happiness, where she talks about intergenerational trauma, and is also a coach who helps people make peace with their past and rewrite their story by learning how to love themselves and their inner child. Check out her FREE MASTERCLASS, Freedom from Anxiety, where she shares her proprietary technique to help with anxiety. Follow her on Instagram here.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Well, after years of therapy & constant learning, I can say my spouse & I only showed signs of #4, which is bad enough. What the bitter adult kids not of abusive childhoods, do not yet have the wisdom to understand is that prior generations Didn’t have this internet information. We did better than what we were taught, as most generations do, but healing and changing GT for the better requires equally open, honest, vulnerable, safe conversations. As smartalic as a lot of you younger people are, it’s easier to be mean than do the necessary hard work to heal.
Something I wish I’d had the capacity to do when it became obvious there was no deep connection or partnership with my spouse. It’s been a $hit show since. 😥
I can’t express how this story on this page is my life story with the way I was raised. I can relate to so much. I am 64 and I don’t know if I will ever be repair at this point in my life. I feel so powerless over my life and so much has been engrain so it will be hard to rewire the way I think and the way I feel.
I remember as a child lying in bed crying and my mom coming into my room asking why I was upset. When I told her she actually got mad at me and told me how stupid I was being. That was the last time I shared any type of feeling I had with my mom. When I was older, my dad and I were talking and I decided to share something that had happened between my mom and I when I was a child. He immediately became defensive and didn’t believe me. I never brought it up again and I never shared anything with him again either…and I never will. It’s been a lonely life.
Our 80-year-old so-called “Silent Generation” mother is still emotionally immature. The only thing that has made it more bearable is that she has been too tired at her older age to rant as loudly and for so many hours non-stop almost all day long like she used to. Ironically, she was a licensed social worker who only retired just over a year ago. Even after my 58-year-old brother who lived alone nearly bled to death very recently in his bathtub from a suicide attempt that we never saw coming – after he tried to reach out to her by phone and was met with the usual “But what about Meeeeeeeee??? I feel even worse than you do, so I don’t wanna hear it!” – she is still completely self-absorbed and speaking of what he did as if it’s inconveniencing her. The only reason I still make sure she’s okay is because she did at least take decent physical care of us when we were small children.
Hey manpreet i really can feel every words in this articles as a memeber of indian family this is very relatable.
I have to built everything from scratch , from a low self esteem fat guy to where i am now takes emotional , psychological and physical transformation which i have to do by myself.
Learning new things was not difficult but forgetting past was the most challenging part i faced .
Your story is very similar and i hope you have found yourself like i did ….”loosing youself is the first step in finding yourself ”
adios
This is my life. I turned 39 today and rather than my dad attempt to get me a gift (not that I need one) , he says what did you get me for mine? Knowing they are emotionally immature is one thing but it’s impossible for me to deal with them.
The takeaway for me is how well parented I was and what a good parent I became as a consequence. Single parenting however in my marriage was exhausting. Divorce was difficult for all of us but we remained a family even tho their father started a new family: wealthier and with children much more indulged than the first set and perhaps better cared for by the father on his second attempt. When you marry a poorly parented person , there’s going to be trouble in paradise! You’ll be parenting him or her instead of focusing on your children and loving your partner. Divorce can correct the effects of a bad marriage for one or both parties.
I have been waiting to read this article my whole life. Thank you 💜
I don’t agree with this. All generations bear scars from pevious generations.There is no such thing as a perfect parent, neither is there a perfect child. Parents do the best they can with the tools that were handed down to them.We all need to accept responsibility for our own actions and decisions as grown ups and stop blaming our parents for our shortcomings.
Maybe our own parents were brought up that way and didn’t know any different. As a parent, I’m so sick of reading hokey bulls**t like this. I was raised exactly as you described…by parents who survived the Great Depression. They weren’t perfect, but they did their best.
Sounds like a lot of blaming others for ones issues. That’s the sad state of the world we live in today. Sure parents aren’t perfect but neither are kids. This notion that kids are this same clay as a y other kidIwhen they are born and it’s parents and other people who mold them is in just totally wrong. May be taught that way in classes but it’s wrong. Kids tend to be the way they are regardless. Sure there is a fair amount that parents account for not all of it by a long shot. Parents have faults, always will but trying to put the blame card onpeople that tried their best generally is just wrong. As a kid grows into an adult they make choices whether to follow their parents example, not to
follow or like most pick and choose what does and doesn’t work. This whole society wants to blame someone else for everything instead of looking inward. Very few people have a perfect idyllic life if anyone really, stop looking backward for your issues and placing blame. Accept responsibility and do better if you aren’t satisfied.
You just described my family. So sad for all who go through this. Stay strong and love yourself!
My mother gets a score of 100%! No one cried at her funeral.
I am 58 and my parents got married because I was an unplanned mistake. They lost 3 babies after me (God definitely knows what He is doing) I remained an only child. They divorced when I was 3. I grew up listening to my mother rant and rave about what a horrible, evil, abusive man he was. The kicker was right behind these rants she would be sure to tell me how I was just like him. I grew very afraid. When people argued I would go into shutdown, still do I suppose. When I was pregnant with my first child she asked me why I wasn’t planning on having an abortion, that it would ruin my life as I had ruined hers. She asked the same of my daughter when she was pregnant with her first child. How can anyone not love a baby? I’ve never understood that. When my kids were young my mother was allowed supervised visits with them only. Now I struggle in church with the commandment that I must love and respect her. Is it possible to have a relationship with her at this point in life. With all the physical, verbal and emotional abuse…I just don’t see how. I am polite to her.But does she deserve more?
Yes, most of us experienced this, there is no denial and also no special deal with it. The only thing that matters is to recognize such experience so that we can be responsible for what is going on in our lives. whatever we do anyways, such feelings are an avoidable. Just embrace it with consciousness. We can never be perfect than our parents, the only difference we might have is our awareness of the issue. We are all imperfect creatures. No need to exagerate life.
I get up every morning with JESUS CHRIST
Joann – it’s never too late to heal and grow. There is no “perfect” emotional state you need to be in or strive for. You deserve, at any age, to find some peace. Consider some therapy, it has helped me to stop and recognize emotions so I can examine where they come from. You don’t to have to do an overhaul of your interior feelings, in fact, thinking that is probably caused by your upbringing versus actually needing an overhaul.
hey Joann , i feel what you are going through and the powerlessness you feel is natural at the current psychological state that was caused due to past .
The remedy is compassion and forgiveness … dont run away from the insecurities and pain you have right now .. face it and observe ..
The only way to dissolve any pain or situation is to go through it completely an finish with it .
Observe without past judgement and let the healing process take place .
Compassion toward your parents will further increase the healing process because they are also part of the same suffering .
My mom had kids bc she wanted babies, it seemed like she didn’t know what to do with us after we weren’t little anymore and she didn’t have as much control over our decisions. She wasn’t raised with any good parenting so she had no skills to use with us. My dad, on the other hand, was raised very well, and was a very good parent. He was, and still is, the first person I go to for advice, or for help when I’m in trouble. Since I had someone I could absolutely trust to listen to me, take me seriously, validate my feelings, and parent me responsibly, I’m still not sure how my mom managed to screw me up so bad…
It sounds like maybe you had a pretty good upbringing (at least comparatively) if you can dismiss this whole topic so effortlessly.
Sharing thoughts and feelings with your parents should be safe and it should be encouraged. I know what it’s like to try to talk with a parent, and immediately get ridiculed, minimized or dismissed. If your words have a hint of criticism towards them or their parenting, they lose it. You can’t discuss anything with my parents. First, they couldn’t be bothered. Their thoughts and needs superseded ours. I developed Anorexia Nervosa, and my mom took me to the hospital and said to the dietitian, “There’s a problem with my daughter-I’m gaining weight.” To this day, my mom said that the reason I had Anorexia was because I wanted HER TO GAIN WEIGHT. It is ALWAYS about her. It’s obvious she shouldn’t have had kids. She said that she had kids because she wanted someone to LOVE HER.
I believe I said that parents could cause some issues but those issues aren’t something you shouldn’t be able to rise above taking out sexual abuse and crazy stuff like true torture. But most isn’t none of that. There is no such thing as unconditional love. Parents job is to teach kids responsibility and right n wrong to the best of their ability. But so called professionals don’t think that’s right, that kids who aren’t mature enough to make smart choices are the ones that should decide things. Sorry no, generally speaking parents do the best they can and kids should respect that and not expect to have no responsibilities
Wow Damatashktyr,
Your response sounds as though you really don’t believe that parents can damage their children by not loving them unconditionally as parents should. When children learn they cannot share their fears or feelings with their parents because the parent feels attacked or tries to deny the validation the child is looking for it absolutely CAN negatively affect them and cause a lot of difficulties in future relationships with everyone from partners to friends to coworkers, etc.
It is well documented that emotionally immature (or call it emotionally stunted) parents deeply wound their kids.
I agree…my parents grew up during the Great Depression…my Dad was 14 years older than my Mom and served in WWII and Korea. They had four children, one of whom was mentally disabled. Life was hard and I was responsible for my siblings many times. But it has made me a better person and a much better mother. We can rise above what we know.
There is a very, very big difference between blaming someone for your issues + finding the root of them so that you may address + heal them. I hope you + everyone reading this are able to move from blame mode to healing mode. When that happens, we will be so much happier + healthier as a collective.
I was blessed with a normal childhood, the same most people had. Sure some have had to deal with sexual abuse and other extreme stuff but I’m not talking about those kind of situations. But every family has it’s issues and always will regardless of these type articles. But sometimes people make up stuff about their childhood or totally blow stuff out of proportion especially when looking back. Just because your parents didn’t respond the way you hoped they would when you did or said something that you probably already knew may cause some issues or whatever isnt reason to suddenly lead you to a life of depression or keep you from doing the right things.
You really didn’t get your Dad a gift either?
Sorry to hear that! How sad. Sounds like your mom might have been a narcissist. There’s a lot of trauma with that. I know. Wishing you the best from here. Share your story wisely when you can. It will help the listener.
Yes, maybe (certainly!) they were. All the more reason to find the pain/distortion + heal it. This is called resolving family karma.
Gratitude is wonderful!
No such thing as unconditional love. Ouch. Sending some to you.
I’d agree that there is no perfect parent or child. However, I was brought up by a narcissist and very toxic parents. There was abuse disshed out by my mum onto both my dad and me. I subsequently developed a lot of insecurities, low-self esteem and not surprisingly fell into an abusive relationship as an adult. My parents, my father included because he let the abuse carry on despite being conscious of what my mum was doing, were both guilty of child neglect. I was the victim. However, as an adult it’s my responsibility to accept that was what happened and it’s my responsibility to heal from the scars. I remained with my abusive ex-hsuband for 4 years with our children before social services and womens aid intervened, which led to the divorce. I am responsible for deciding to marry my ex-husabnd; i am responsible for seeing my children cry and shriek when my ex-abusive husband was nasty to me. Does that make my ex-husbands behaviour acceptable? No. Absolutely not. Does that mean my ex should be excused for his behaviour? Absolutely not. He was offered counselling. He refused. Was he doing the best he could to care for his daughters and me? Absolutely not. It is very true that no parents are perfect, but i’m afraid that when it comes to child abuse, child neglect, and toxic parents, there is no excuse. It most certainly was their fault that i developed many insecurities, OCD and anxiety. As soon as I left home and went to university, the OCD disappeared and my health drastically improved. How can those childhood traumas not have been the fault of my parents? I think it’s awful to say that the traumas children experienced and the anxiety they suffered are a result of their own shortcoming rather than the abuse and neglect dished out by their parents. I’m sure charities such as the Society of Protection of Cruelty for Children (SPCC) and Children Line wouldn’t agree with your statement.
Or, as Frank Zappa said, you gotta get into it before you get out of it 💜
So your inadequacies are the results of your parent’s shortcomings, and you have not managed to overcome them to prevent your own children from suffering damage as a result of the bad choices you made. But your parents damage suffered as a result of your grandparents shortcomings, which caused them to be lesser equipped parents, causing their children (you) to suffer is not equilly understandable or exucable. Sounds to me like narcissism runs in the family. Get help and break the chain. And stop blaiming others for the shitty decisions you consciously make. Take control of yourself and your destiny. I think SPCC would equally agree with me on that. I won’t bother to share my soppy story with you, because it no longer matters. I took control and responsibility.
I don’t believe in unconditional love. Everything comes at a cost. Loving a kid is not enough, you have to set expectations. Sure you need to listen to your kid and they need to know that you will listen. But listen isn’t the same as condone. There is a lot of situations here, too much to really discuss in this setting but my belief is instead of trying to find fault in your upbringing, instead find the good and let all the other stuff go. Try to do better if you are lucky enough to have a family but know you won’t be as perfect as you think you are either. But especially let go of any bad feelings looking back. Life is too short for me that
We are a result of nature and nurture. While we have the power to change ourselves, ignorance of the cause of these feelings prevents healing. This article is not about laying blame, it’s about bringing awareness to those who may be ignorant of the affects of their upbringing. Myself included, it wasn’t until recently that I became aware of it and started healing.
Also, if you believe it or not the statistics show that emotional/physically abusive parents are the reason for the majority of SK’s and Murderers. Not saying all abused children will become one, but the majority who are can be traced back to trauma in their childhood
My mother was like that too. Never shared after first disappointment. Dad and I could share but not often.
I agree with you, completely.
You are at a very good age to srart reprogramming r mind. I’m 64 Years old and my best life is a head of me , my children are all grown, and I try to nourish them so my grandchildren can have a better chance, but at the same time I’m praying and hoping for a better life for myself. Now is time for you to start living.
My dear, I don’t think this is the case. Just try to calm down all the noises around and reflect. You will understand that your beloved families has nothing to do with your feelings. It is all your own. We need to take a driver’s seat. No blame is a cure to our imperfections. Embrace and enjoy life as it is. That is the only way out, I think.
Blessed opinion, I appreciate.
I share your opinion. That is the only way to cool ourselves.
I think your parents are the only closer beings to you in this world. How could we not appreciate their desperate efforts to raise us, whatever they might do or don’t, it is the way life goes on. Not their fault. We are all imperfect.
Sounds like a case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
This TOTALLY hit home with me.
This is very much like my mother. My father was an alcoholic, my Mum lacks emotional self control and has never been available to help us resolve or acknowledge any past hurt. To try would start her denial and she will push back with her own version of events and attacking you for bringing it up and living in the past.
In recent years I’ve come to suspect that she has Asperger’s, after having my daughter diagnosed I learned about the common traits which she has in spades. She lacks insight and prefers to bury her head in the sand rather than deal with difficult emotions.
I’m an emotionally immature parent but I’m also loving, devoted, kind and nurturing. We are not one thing or two things and my kids are beautiful but after reading this. I see what you mean. I will now work on listening without reacting
I feel very badly.
My parents were both young when they had me . After they gave up my brother for adoption when my mum was 16 and my dad 18 in 1962 they then fell pregnant again and I was born in 1964. Luckily my paternal grandmother lived with us and I always had her. My brother was born in 1971 . My father was having affairs for years and mum knew and just buried her head in the sand. I was a babysitter looking after my younger brother for them both from age 13 after my nan moved out. Then after an argument with my dad at age 15 mum threw me out of the house. I had to grow up fast and took off to NZ to live at 16 for two years. My mum finally left my dad when my brother was 15 and I took him in and cared for him because my dad was an abusive narcissist and blamed my mother for everything. I had a shit childhood and found it hard to have a healthy relationship myself. I raised my son on my own after having him at 25. His father was a chronic alcoholic. My son is an amazing young man with two businesses and his own home and family. I learnt from my parents mistakes. My father has passed and I have a difficult relationship with my mother but I make sure I speak with her at least once a month . She is 77 now and I have to forgive her. She was a young girl and didn’t know any different.
I was raised this way and became this parent as well. It was very destructive. I had to do a lot of work to repair my relationship with my daughter and we have come a long way. I have learned to accept that my parents did the best they could with what they have as I grew up( sometimes we need to have some empathy for them). I still have those issues within but am working on them so that I can have inner peace for myself. I believe to have better relationships it requires that individuals have patience, empathy, acceptance and self awareness.