“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Nelson Mandela
Living through the past several years of my life has been a humbling experience. I guess I shouldn’t say I lived through those years. I existed.
Through those years, life threw me punch after punch. I suffered through public shaming and online bullying, was crippled for six months with devastating anxiety and depression, gained fifty pounds, lost a lucrative job, and saw my marriage crumble before my eyes.
I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard.
The thing is, nobody ever tells you how to deal with extreme failure in life. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. My family knew I needed help, but I knew nobody could pull me out of this tailspin.
I had to do it myself.
Unfortunately, for four full years I did nothing. I let the punches hit me time and time again until I actually felt numb to them. I did the worst thing you could do; I came to expect the failures, and with that expectation I kept failing.
It wasn’t until recently that I started to wake up from the fog and realize that I had to take back my life. I did just that by going through the following five steps.
1. Feel the pain.
After the public shaming and online bullying, I took Xanax to cope. If you know anything about Xanax you know it numbs your feelings so you don’t have to feel them. At the time it was honestly a life saver, but I began to use it as a crutch even when the anxiety started to fade.
One day I finally quit the Xanax cold turkey just to see what would happen, and you know what? I lived. The drugged fog was gone and I started to feel life again.
Now, I’m not saying you should quit your medicine if it’s medically necessary. For me it was for a while, but once I could stand on my own I had to let it go in order to jump back into life. I immediately felt all the feelings I’d been hiding, from extreme vulnerability, to fear, to frustration and anger.
I was slammed with these feelings, and they swirled around me like bees ready to sting. But I knew they were honest and true and that somehow if I felt them and let them be heard, they’d go away in time.
And they did. For the most part. I still feel them every once in a while, but once I felt them fully, it’s as if they knew they had done their job and then left me alone.
Their job was to wake me up to something more, to a new path, and that’s just what they did.
2. Practice self-compassion.
After I gave myself permission to feel and face the pain, I now had to make peace with and accept what had happened to me. The one way I did this was by practicing self-compassion. This has nothing to do with increasing your self-esteem, by the way.
In her TED Talk titled “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion,” Kristin Neff explains that self-esteem can be detrimental, because it’s a judgment of whether you are a good or bad person in comparison to others. It creates a narcissistic attitude.
Self-compassion is very different from self-esteem, as it creates a compassionate attitude through relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all.
But, how was I supposed to move in to a space of relating to myself kindly when I’d gone through years of doing the opposite? I started a daily practice of nonjudgmental reflection. And I did this just by starting to reframe my thoughts.
Reframing our thoughts involves identifying negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive or helpful thoughts. If you have a negative thought like, “I’m not worthy of love,” you can do the following to reframe it:
- Ask yourself what activity or action led to that thought. For example, “I’m going through a nasty divorce.”
- Write down evidence that supports that thought. For example, “My husband said he didn’t love me anymore.”
- Write down evidence that doesn’t support that thought. For example, “I have many friends and family that love me.”
- Come up with a more positive thought. For example, “While I have struggled with this past relationship, that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love or will not find a loving, supportive relationship in the future.”
Reframing my thoughts is an amazing practice that not only allowed me to practice acceptance of what had happened to me, but allowed me to move forward with a more positive attitude.
3. Take responsibility for your life.
During these difficult years of my life I felt a lot of self-pity because I felt like life was happening to me rather than realizing I had given up control of my life. In fact, all the major decisions for my life were made by my husband at the time.
I gave up my power to someone else. Not a smart thing to do.
I had to take responsibility for my actions in life because only then was I able to change things for the better. If you take responsibility, you take control. You take control and your life can finally become what you want it to become.
One of the side effects of taking control was gaining freedom. I finally had the chance to make my own decisions and do what I wanted. It was scary at first having full responsibility of my life, but it opened my eyes to a whole new world I wanted to be a part of and it gave me options I didn’t know I had.
4. Find your home again.
When you fail, especially when you fail miserably, to return from that failure you must find your home again.
According to Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame, in her TED talk titled “Success, Failure, And The Drive To Keep Creating,” your home is anything that you love more than yourself. Your home is that thing to which you can dedicate your energies with such singular devotion that the ultimate results become inconsequential.
For me that was writing. Even though I haven’t found mega success with writing, it’s something that I’m driven to do and results are now inconsequential to me.
If people love my work, then wonderful, I’ve connected with someone. If not, that’s still alright with me because I just love doing it. It makes me feel alive again.
5. Share yourself with the world.
I decided not to keep my “home” to myself, even though I easily could have. I created a blog to share my work with whoever felt drawn to read it. It’s made me feel quite vulnerable again, but it honestly feels very good to share and I feel like I’ve come out of hiding and am being seen again.
And that’s the one big point I want to make. It’s important to share your “home” with the world because it’s your gift. Share it whether people love you for it or hate you for it, share it whether you’re a novice or an expert.
It will bring you out of hiding, out of self-pity, and out of self-loathing, because you won’t be focused only on yourself anymore. You’ll be focused on something external.
And the magical thing about sharing your gift is it will connect you. It will connect you to the world again, to the people who come in contact with your gift, to the people who get your gift, and most importantly, it will connect you with you again.
Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock
About Erin Harding
Erin Harding is a blogger and entrepreneur whose passion is teaching others to find and follow their passion. She believes the world needs courageous people who take risks, inspire others, follow their passion, and give warm hugs. If you’re one of those people, she welcomes you to join her community at her blog, The Inspired Entrepreneur, and on Facebook .
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you so much for this. Because I have hit rock bottom and I have been deeply depressed and I was beginning to hate life. I know things will get better, I just have to keep holding on, but sometimes it gets difficult. If I could find someone or something to help me break this curse that is put on me, that would be wonderful.
What a powerful article, Erin! Thanks for sharing so openly.
I particularly loved the concept of home being whatever you love so much that results don’t matter. Strangely enough, results often seem to be more striking when you pour yourself into whatever you’re doing, relishing the moment. I would far rather eat a meal that a chef prepares as an act of devotion and passion, than one which he prepares by the numbers.
Wouldn’t it be great if we lived as if breathing is what we really love? Then we could pour ourselves into every waking moment, fully present no matter what life throws at us. That’s what I find useful when it’s time to wash saucepans, or do some equally mindless task.
Your point about the importance of feeling pain is also powerful. We talk of negative emotions, but they are no more than unpleasant emotions. Pain can save us from ourselves: just imagine if we felt no pain when we touched a burning flame!
It’s so wonderful that your journey has led you home, and that you are a gift to others.
Wonderful post!!! I listened to the Tedx talk too, wonderful!! 🙂 Great advice, thank you for sharing your experience. Really beautiful, and so proud of you! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your experience! I have no doubt it will positively affect at least one person. Probably a lot more than one, 🙂
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Dear Tayla, It is true that things will get better, and it is good for you to know this! While you may feel cursed, I think it’s more likely life’s way of leading us in another direction. Whatever your troubles may be, please know that you are in the hearts and prayers of others today. I have hit rock bottom on more than one occasion, and while at the time it was devastating, as I look back, I see that it was growing that I had to do. You will rise from this pit, maybe slower than you would like, but you will! And you will be loving yourself and life!
Thank you for sharing Erin. This writing really hit home for me during a time when I feel I have lost so much. For years I inflicted so much pain with my addictions and I am starting over again. I am currently paying the price and I am learning to accept what is reality today, which includes some consequences and pain. But I am also realizing that there is hope and an opportunity to rise again. Reading articles from “Tiny Buddha” such as yours gives me a little extra strength every day. I like the idea of practicing self-compassion. 🙂
Erin, thank you. I needed this you healed me this morning. Thank you for your vulnerability about how to transform your life.
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I just failed my biggest test of my career course and got dropped and i put so much , so muchh effort and time and to get dropped and failed at the end. 22 yrs old now and I feel like my future is shot now
I have to say after reading g this opens my eyes. I’m going threw something similar. As a man I wasn’t act like one. Letting my other half take care of me instead of me putting forth the effort to try in life. So I’m at Rock bottom. I’m getting back up on my feet and to complete my goals and be successful in life. Thank you
Erin,I’m currently sitting on my couch and have been all summer. I’ve always felt like a Zombie,at least this summer…I like how you talked about self compassion and that it’s about being kind to oneself.Its not very easy to be kind to myself but you’ve changed my mind.-A fellow writer,friend.
Thanks for this. I have hit said low point and don’t know here to turn really. Ending it finally is an open option but I have a daughter and not sure what to do because of her. Thanks anyway and will keep trying to figure it out S x
I’d like some advice
I’d like some advice on how to get a new life. I’m having drug and alcohol problems. However I getting help with that.. I feel so broken and I have no friends or family it’s just me..
Wow I just came across this after google searching “what to do when you hit rock bottom” and clicked on this link first and I couldn’t have described it better. I almost didn’t recognize how I felt until I read it. I just wrote about what I experienced and it made me feel so free. To be able to put it into words. My words for once. Thank you for this post it has greatly inspired me ❤️❤️
Thanks !!! I truly want to say THANK YOU for this post!!!!
Thank you !! It was very empowering reading your experiences. Please write some more on the subject. I think you probably may not realise how helpful you are.
Thank you again.
Simply Beautiful.Thank you for this article and for sharing with such honesty and humility.
I certainly can relate to your fall from grace..got away from the fog myself but its a battle and when we let ourselves go we become the underdogs because the war of survival is relentless..but truthfully the way you decribed your downfall is like a carbon copy..when I quit clonezepam same thing..I had a grand seizure so yeh nobody up and jump off their xanox – u really do gotta wean off those..glad to say I haven’t had any drug monkeys on my back for sevl yrs but still deep in the struggle..lol..thx for sharing!! And it is nice to know there are people (not even a few) that are going through the very same stuff we are..were really only alone when we choose to be.
Hope your doing better Steve..hit my twitter messages if your still in a really dark place. No govt worker or nothing just been through alot myself and can relate. I hope this was a passing phase but yeh gotta reach out sometimes even when its awkward and uncomfortable..were not designed to live well by carrying all the weight ourselves..ya know..you and I are lucky-you and I both have a kid..but children do well at putting our lives on the back burner sometimes..lol.
Hi Lisa,
You have won half battle when you said you want to get new life. You can always start fresh . What’s gone is gone . Focus on what you have got to do to change current situation. I know it’s easier said than done . Trust me you yourself can bring that change and no one else . People can motivate you but to keep yourself motivated is your job which you will have to do to bring change in your life . Focus on yourself and you will see people will love to have you in there life . Hope that helps a little bit.
Lisa, you said two things that indicate you are on your way to a new and better life: 1) You want advice on how to get one and 2) You’re getting help with your drug/alcohol addiction. Brava! The journey of a million miles starts with the first step. The second thing to do, in my opinion, is to find a “tribe.” No matter how alone we feel in this world, not matter how individualized we belief our problem or situation to be, you can bet that someone has walked in your shoes before you, and emerged victorious.
Seek out others who have had become victorious over your current situation, whether it’s the loneliness, the lack of family, the drug battles or all three. They will be your “tribe.” People within a tribe have an organic understanding of each other and an intensified empathy.
Lastly, start to rebuild your life with one positive step after another, done in increments. For example, start to eat as cleanly as possible … reduce sugar intake, eat natural foods, drink lot of fresh water each day. Next, exercise outdoors if you have the opportunity. While exercising in the gym is wonderful and has great effects on our dopamine levels, there’s something about nature and the fresh air that intensifies the experience. Commit to staying clean and sober – one day at a time.
Once you start to feel physically better, work on the spiritual, whatever that may be for you. If you have faith or a religion, get back to it. If not, work on centering your body and perhaps engage in meditation each day. Listen to inspirational videos on Youtube. Go to the library and check out inspirational books on rebuilding your life.
If you’re looking for a new job, or don’t like your current one, take a positive step to find out what you love to do, or if that can’t be translated into a paycheck immediately, do it as a hobby. Seek out or train for a better job, if not just for a salary increase. They help to make the mosaic of your life become happier.
Meet new people for friends, not as a “tribe.” Making friends becomes more difficult as we get older, well, just because. With that, don’t expect too much from people, but perhaps join a weekly group, go to a “Meetup” Group / meeting. Even if it’s just having coffee with someone new and listening to their life, sharing tidbits, it’s engaging with another human being.
I believe you will be fine and will rebuild your life. One. Step. At. A. Time. — done consistently. Good luck!
Exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you! ❤️
the part about finding your home again really resonated with me.
amazing how you can love something more than yourself which is not even a person rather something that makes you feel contended..
(ireland)
try this , be 23 year no job , 3 kids 4th one on the way , living from social benefits renting 1 bedroom apartment (with 3 nearly 4 kids ) ,,i apply for like 100 jobs in a week and from that 100 i get like 5 interviews and they just reject me ,, i finished school early , i havent got any work experience or any qualifications , i been on rock bottom for long time when it seems like i can finaly break through life knocks me down again , and again ,, sometimes i do commit crime to make some extra cash , but i cant be doing that if i go prison i dno what will my gf do with my kids ,,, count your blessing’s i swear , nothing can possibly be worse then my life ,
I have really hit rock bottom
After 9 years of failed things this week I really did hit it. If I feel too emotional I know I’ll do something stupid to hurt myself, but I am too numb at this point and I have no hope of anything happening good, I’ll just live like a zombie I think.
Quit having kids already! Why you going to have a 4th kid when you’re fucked?
I’ve been up and down,,,I’ve been no money and I’ve had lots (my own work); it’s either one way or another. I am now a boomer and a series of things that have taken me to a place by next month I may be on the street (I was hacked and due to covid no response to help): it’s down so low I can’t be any lower. You know what: that’s ok, I know I can come back. I’m always positive and soon we all will be fine…you must believe “Rise above or fall below” (Rap)
Where are you now?
Within a matter of three weeks my whole world crumbled I hit rock bottom hard and fast I lost a court battle for custody of my great niece I had raised from birth for two years and whom I love every bit as much as my 3 grown children all because her parents who hadn’t ever cared decided to play house and my husband went to jail the very same day over a fraudulent warrant we had no ideal existed that he was not guilty of which played a big role in our custody loss ,less than two weeks later my son was arrested for a physical altercation both cases needed an attorney and I had damn near bankrupted us with the custody case ,My husband didn’t know he had a warrant but a part of me blamed him anyway and my resentment grew pretty fast and he isn’t the kind of person I can talk to about any problem and he had made it pretty clear our entire marriage that he paid the bills what did I really have to stress about so In all honesty I would have rather cut off my own arm before taking a personal problem to him I told no one nothing of how I felt I woke up one morning and I knew I couldn’t wake up more day without my nieces smile being the first thing I saw and I couldn’t bare one day of my husbands rude ass mean attitude nor one more night of my grown son drinking I was home alone I didn’t have to watch my granddaughter that day and my heart knew I was broken I was defeated I was done living I took my pistol went to my car and I chose my car because it had recently been in a wreck and totaled and it could be towed away with no mess for anyone to clean I pulled way away from my house so my dogs didn’t hear put that gun to my head but the damn trigger wouldn’t fire and in that moment I was angry at my husband for buying a piece of shit gun that wouldn’t work and that anger held on for two days but now I understand rock bottom had saved my life I’m doing better one day at a time and some day I will be okay.
Hey Shar. Did it work out? Or did you at least keep a roof?
I can relate with you Lisa. I’m ready to turn a new leaf in my life after deciding my drug and alcohol use needed to end and that if I don’t change I could face devastating consequences that could completely sabotage my future. I woke up this morning and realized I have no true friends that I can trust or that care about my wellbeing. If a person is to embarrassed to be seen in public with you, then they are not your friend.
friend
frɛnd
noun
a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.
(used as a polite form of address or in ironic reference) an acquaintance or a stranger one comes across.
one’s close relatives. archaic
a person who supports a cause, organization, or country by giving financial or other help.
a person who is not an enemy or opponent; an ally.
a friend takes the time to apologize when they have wronged you, a friend doesn’t hold grudges and always wishes the best for you.
Sadly, Google is my best friend and therapist. I like the advice about finding your tribe. I live in a rural area with a population of around 3,000 people. It can be hard to start over and piece your reputation back together with those numbers to work with. I don’t see to many new faces and it can be challenging to change peoples view of you if they know your past. However, reclimbing the life success ladder and proving to people your worthy and that you don’t give up, can be motivational for others and build confidence. I love that quote ‘when you hit rock bottom the only way to go is up.’ Does anyone have any advice on finding your tribe?
Sending you loads of hugs. Now there is only one way out and that is up!!!! See you at the top!!!
Just realized that hitting rock bottom is/was a blessing in disguise, I am looking and approaching life in an entire new perspective. Most importantly, I just realized that nobody cares, just live your life the best way it possibly gives you gratification.
I’m on my way down
I’m at rock bottom at 45 with a job car and license nowhere to go homeless those I thought were my friends bailed out when I needed them. It’s 2024 and America doesn’t care if ur trying to good or not. The struggle is real and people really don’t care. You are definitely on ur own and I have nobody but my mom whom is struggling herself.
Prayers are needed.