“To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness. Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang onto the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds.” ~Wayne Dyer
When we have been deeply hurt or betrayed by a friend, loved one, or even an acquaintance, it can be incredibly difficult to let it go and forgive them. Some acts seem almost unforgivable, but really not much is.
My belief is that people who hurt us are more often than not in a lot of pain themselves, and they’re making choices and decisions based on their own wounds.
I’ve spent the past two years working hard to forgive someone I loved deeply who hurt me. It hasn’t been easy, and it’s taken a huge amount of time looking within, acknowledging my own mistakes in life, and seeing all the reasons it’s imperative I forgive others for their wrongs. They deserve it as much as I do.
It’s one of the most powerful and loving things we can do, and it ultimately brings us peace of mind and the loving energy we deserve in our lives.
So, why should you let go of your resentment and rage and forgive someone who has hurt you? A few reasons that have been motivators for me:
1. Forgiving allows the other person to work on themselves.
Nobody is perfect. We have all had times in our lives when things have gotten out of control or we acted in ways that weren’t in alignment with who we want to be in this world.
Yes, sometimes people do hurtful things because they are flat out selfish, but most of the time we screw up without meaning to. We all deserve a second chance to do better.
Receiving a second chance when I have hurt someone else has allowed me to step up my game and prove to myself and to them that I can do better.
Sometimes it’s taken time for me to really get it. We don’t change our thought patterns and behaviors overnight. But I know that when somebody has forgiven me, it has forced me to take stock of my actions and motives and work on myself. And in the process, I have shown up as the woman I want to be in this world and proven to myself and to others that I can change.
We wouldn’t even bother trying if another person hadn’t forgiven our actions as a way of saying, “I can let this go, and I trust and hope this experience has taught you something.”
2. If we show others compassion, we learn how to develop it for ourselves.
Often when we are holding onto resentment toward someone who hurt us, it’s about our ego. We want them to suffer as much as we did.
One of my close friends has been teaching me about compassion. I don’t show much for myself, so I have a difficult time showing it for others. But as I have slowly learned to develop compassion for people who have hurt me, digging deep into the reasons why they may have done it, it’s allowed me to develop more compassion for myself for the things I have done.
Developing compassion for someone who has hurt you is a powerful and integral step toward healing for both of you.
3. Forgiveness helps everybody involved move on.
Not all people and situations are meant to be a part of our lives forever. Sometimes, they are there for a period of time to teach us something, and once their purpose is served, they move on and the next chapter of our story begins.
As difficult as it may be to let people go, whether they are a long time friend, a family member, a spouse, or a lover, when we forgive them we create a space for them to move onto their next chapter, as well as ourselves.
If we’re holding onto the old story of “what they did to us,” we can’t create a space for better things to come into our life.
4. When we know better, we do better.
I live by Maya Angelou’s quote that for most of us, “when we know better, we do better.” I truly believe that people don’t go around intentionally trying to hurt others, especially those closest to us.
Most people are doing the very best they can with what they know, how they were raised, and where they are at in life. I know that I personally have often made the same mistakes over and over again until I really got the lesson and developed the tools to do things differently. When I’ve known better, I’ve done better.
Try to recognize that every experience in your life, especially the most painful ones, are teachers that reveal to us what we still need to master. You have the opportunity to become better if you can avoid holding onto bitterness.
5. Without forgiveness we don’t grow spiritually.
The process of spiritual growth is infinite. Some of our spiritual lessons are to learn compassion, self-love, and unconditional love for others. We are still operating at the bottom realms of our spiritual growth when we are carrying around feelings of hate and bitterness and thoughts of revenge.
When we receive somebody else’s forgiveness, I believe we graduate one step up that spiritual ladder. Whether we feel we deserved it or not, somebody gave it to us. And when we receive such a beautiful and selfless gift from somebody else, we are compelled to give it back.
This mutual exchange of loving energy between people who have wronged us is a beautiful step forward on our spiritual journey.
The bottom line is, forgiveness is something we ultimately do for us, not the other person. And without it, the pain inside our hearts will never heal.
Remorseful woman image via Shutterstock

About Dina Strada
Dina Strada is a former Hollywood event planner, author, and intuitive coach specializing in relationships, healing, and empowering women. A former featured author and top writer for Elephant Journal, her work has also appeared in multiple online publications including Huff Post, Thought Catalogue, Elite Daily, The Good Men Project, Your Tango, Medium, Chopra, Simply Women, Rebelle Society, Tiny Buddha, and Thrive Global. You can connect with her at dinastrada.com
Love this article. I too struggled for over a year with forgiving someone who hurt me but i am trying my best to actively forgive.
Excellent article. Valuable points to follow and improve our self and others. Hope your article lights up the lives of others.
Forgiveness sets you free. Forgetting is something to remember, which is a painful reminder of what REALLY happened.
Thank you, Dina for writing an excellent article. There’s nothing with forgiveness, just as long as you take responsibility for your actions.
How do you forgive someone who doesn’t ask for forgiveness or show any remorse? Do they deserve your compassion, love, and generosity? If I forgive a person who thinks its ok to inflict pain or play dumb when confronted (they are not ignorant but know exactly what they are doing), is it worth lowering my boundaries and forgive them? If I say I forgive them, the person who caused the pain doesnt have any accountability go to put any effort to make it up? Why does the responsibility only falls on the person to forgive? it would not be freedom for me because they already robbed me of that joy, time I cannot get back. Boundaries are the only way to not let them inflict pain on me, which is a path to healing, than use forgiveness as a mask to allow bad behavior to be accepted and forgiven.
You can forgive and let go of what someone like that has done to you, without also having to forget and give them another chance to hurt you again. You might consider going No Contact with that person, or if you can’t, then try to re-establish boundaries that you can live with. If that person won’t respect them, then No Contact is probably the only way to assert your own right not to be victimized by that person. Forgiveness isn’t about giving them more chances, but about letting go of your anger and resentment, for your own benefit not theirs. I had a run in with a narcissist and just didn’t understand what that meant until a long time afterwards, and I’ve held on to the massive overload of emotional distress for about three years now, but finally it is getting easier and I’m letting go. You may want them to acknowledge what they have done, to validate your own need to share the blame, but they may not be willing and you will have to deal with that. Give yourself enough time to work through it and process your pain without self blame, and you will be fine.
Hi Dina, I enjoyed this
article very much. Forgiveness is such a broad scope concept that has a
profound effect on the rest of your life. When I work with others they will
often look at forgiveness as an isolated event. There is an action and
forgiveness becomes the reaction to the specific circumstance. It is also often
focused outwardly to others. When considering forgiveness we must associate it
with acceptance. Just forgiving the event will not be enough to grow on a personal
level. One must accept the event as out of theirs and others control, and part
of the growing process. If the other person is seeking forgiveness, make the
choice to forgive or not, but you must accept that life will send these challenges
your way. These challenges come up to test your level of acceptance to different
interpretations on life. Be curious about your interpretation of the event and
find out what interpretation others are using. This begins a discussion and
creates safety for the other people. In the end we are all just attempting to
live a better more fulfilling life.
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Cosimo… I completely agree. I have had to accept what happened. Accepting what he did to me and what happened as a result has been key towards my own healing. Life brings us unexpected challenges.. some of them aren’t fair or ones we don’t deserve. But it is what it is. I find myself saying a lot, “You know, I just have to accept it because I can’t change it.” I appreciate your take on this. It gives me something more to think about.
It’s incredibly difficult, I know. All I can say, as a person who felt and sometimes still feels the same way you do… I justify my forgiveness by telling myself that I don’t want to go through life a bitter person and I deserve peace after what this person has put me through. And the only way to get it is to continue to live my life, try to help others transcend their own painful life experiences, and be happy with all the blessings I still have in my life. Remember, people live by our example. And if you can let go and forgive, it inspires others to do the same.
The person who hurt me may never feel badly, or see how their actions affected the rest of my life but I have no control over that. I only control my own reactions to him. And I can choose peace and acceptance and move forward. Or I can choose to hold onto the pain and anguish over what he did. Each day, I try to choose peace and trust that the Universe will bring good fortune and blessings my way as life goes on.
Pain doesn’t last forever. Give yourself time to heal. I promise you it does get easier with time.
While forgiveness is important, I think a “disclaimer” really should be added.
Forgiveness doesn’t equal reconciliation.
While forgiveness is good for YOU, you shouldn’t invite toxic people back into your life. Some people simple *dont* ever understand and grow. Some people *dont*, even with time, change their behavior. Telling everyone point blank to forgive and not look into the reasons behind why that person hurt you, is foolish.
For example, people in abusive situation are often made to feel they need to forgive and forget or else they are not “good” people, when they would be better served to use their hurt and anger to get themsleves out of a bad situation. Our feelings are there are for a reason, and we would be better served to listen to them, and process them in our own time.
Trying to force forgiveness is unwise.
Something to think about it.
I’m struggling to forgive an EX who hurt me very badly, its been 5 years and I still hold every memory of what happened. I have prayed countless times asking God to help me forgive, forget and let him go but that has not happened as yet.
Yesterday, out of nowhere I suddenly had a memory of him and couldn’t stop crying…I hate feeling this way
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Mandy.. I know it is so tough. I still have days I cry remembering the heartache, pain and betrayal I went through. But the only way I personally have found to lessen the pain a little for me is to forgive so that I can move forward and hopefully meet someone who truly loves and values me like I deserve.
I think it’s hard sometimes, to forgive, because of our ego. Something to work on daily.
Forgiveness begins when we learn to awaken to the hurt within. This is the purpose of vipassana meditation, to locate suffering and respond with mindfulness – the compassionate consciousness of the Buddha within you. When this healing has occurred then it becomes possible and natural to forgive the one who hurt you.
Peter Strong, PhD
Boulder Center for Online Mindfulness Therapy for Anxiety and Depression.
Author of ‘The Path of Mindfulness Meditation’ (Amazon, Kindle). Inquiries welcome!
Wow, naïve or what.
One should learn from ones mistakes. Being too trusting and naïve is a mistake.
Everyone has an agenda……the goal is to recognise the others agenda , quickly, and see if it is a match , a symbiotic fit to your own, and if it is , ..proceed,….if it is not THEN NO MATTER WHAT OTHER FACTORS ARE PRESENT,…..move away and move on.
I’m trying my level best to forgive this person but I just keep feeling that I shouldn’t forgive her. I’m trying to let go but its some where in my mind I feel that the person doesn’t deserve it.