“My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” ~Henry Ford
A few days ago, a close friend called me and asked for advice on whether he should end a toxic relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He still loved her as a human being, but he felt that she was using him for her own personal needs, such as a ride from the airport, and did not truly care about his well-being.
I thought back to my most recent relationship challenge.
A while back, I moved in with a group of close friends, after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend a few months prior.
We shared a large number of friends, so I attempted to maintain a friendship with him for the sake of our social group. Time and time again, I felt uncomfortable around him because of his constant references to our past relationship and inappropriate touching.
I explained my feelings of unease to my roommates and asked them not to invite him over. I understood if they wanted to continue their friendships with him, but I didn’t feel safe being near him.
My best friend also held a close friendship with my ex-boyfriend, and didn’t understand my negative feelings toward him, yet agreed to these terms. The same week, I walked into our place to find my ex-boyfriend hanging out with my best friend, three separate times.
Again, I brought up my concerns. She eventually stopped inviting him over but soon after began bringing around his new girlfriend, with whom she had cultivated a friendship. Again, I felt uncomfortable and uneasy in my own living space.
I felt hurt. I felt confused. I felt alone.
This was my best friend, who told me that I was one of the most important people in her life, that she loved me, that she would be there for me when I needed her. At this point in our friendship, these statements no longer seemed to be true.
I had lost sight of the friend that I thought I knew, and it was time to reevaluate our relationship.
Reflecting on this experience, I asked my friend a few questions to help him solve his dilemma.
1. Does this relationship make you feel good about yourself?
After my best friend starting bringing around my ex-boyfriend, my primary feelings toward her were negative. For weeks I couldn’t fall asleep because I was so angry at her betrayal, and these feelings only worsened as time went on. These were early signs that perhaps I should not continue the relationship.
When you think about this person, is the first thing that comes to mind positive or negative? Does this person contribute positively to your life, or do they drain you of energy?
If you can’t seem to get past the negative emotions when you think about this person, it may be time to move on.
2. How would you like to be treated by your friends, family, and significant other?
The fundamental issue in my relationship was that I felt my best friend was not respecting my feelings and need for a private space by bringing over my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend.
Friends, family, and significant others should all support and uplift you, without being controlling.
They should want the absolute best for you, even if your ideas of the “best” differ. They should respect your personal boundaries and feelings, even if they do not entirely understand or agree with them. There should be equal give and take in your relationship.
If you do not feel supported and respected by this person, it may be time to move on.
3. Is there a change that you can make to improve the relationship?
I brought up my feelings to my best friend several times and we agreed to a compromise so that I could feel comfortable in my own living space. However, she continued inviting my ex’s new girlfriend over.
Her behaviors did not align with what I needed to feel supported, and I soon realized that there was no way to change her behaviors if she didn’t wish to do so.
Have you tried to express your negative feelings to this person? Did they value your input and respect your feelings? Do they want to work with you to create a solution?
If this person invalidated your feelings or refused to acknowledge a problem, it may be time to move on.
4. What advice would you give to a good friend who was going through a similar situation?
If my younger sister came to me with this same problem, I would be infuriated that someone she considered a close friend would treat her like this. From an outside view, it is clear that this friend does not have her best interests at heart, otherwise she would understand her feelings and keep the compromise that she agreed to.
If you are still unsure about whether to keep your relationship, think of how you might advise a sibling or close friend in a similar situation. Taking a step away from your relationship and viewing it from a third party perspective can help shed new light. A pros and cons list can also help you understand your feelings in a rational way.
5. What does your future look like without this person in it?
Ultimately, I chose to end my relationship with my best friend because I knew that my life would be less stressful and more positive without her in it. She has since moved out, and we no longer speak.
I was afraid that I would lose friends if I chose to distance myself from her, but my life has only improved thus far.
I have kept my existing friends in addition to making new friends. Looking toward the future, this experience has inspired me to more closely reflect on the ways in which I can better support and nurture those who are closest to me.
You may be afraid of what your life will be like without this person. This fear is holding you back from seeing that you can gain more than you will lose by letting this person go.
Look around and notice that you have many other people who are able to properly support you, with your best friend of all being yourself. No matter how many friendships come or go, you will never be truly alone because you will always be there looking out for yourself.
See through eyes unclouded by fear, and you will discover that the sky ahead is far brighter than anything you leave behind.
Toxic relationship image via Shutterstock
About Taylor Linn
Taylor Linn is a Cinema and Media Art graduate of Vanderbilt University, currently based in beautiful San Francisco, CA. She obsessively collected movie stubs and collaged fashion magazines into celebrity shrines as a teenager. She is pretty sure she is going to be reincarnated as a meerkat in her next life, but who can be 100% sure? Visit Taylor and her artwork at taylorlinn.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
YES!! I just went through this EXACT situation. The circumstances were different, but the emotional aspect and feelings of betrayal and loneliness are identical. I truly believe we have to open space in our lives so that new and better people, experiences and situations will enter. That means letting go of those which do not feed us and which are not mutually uplifting and respectful. Many people are scared of the “emptiness” that letting go of toxic people creates, but to paraphrase Lao Tzu, in order to use a vase, you must first empty it. Congratulations on having the courage to believe you deserve better than you were getting, and to make space for it!!
After reading your article, I think I will get back to my girlfriend and make things go better. Thanks so much for writing this piece up. Love.
Hi Taylor,
This line is key – “If you can’t seem to get past the negative emotions when you think about this person, it may be time to move on.” If having a person in your life is constantly bringing up negative it is time to change it.
Depending on how this person fits into your life, it may not be always possible to walk away. However strict boundaries would then need to be set.
But overall, if it isn’t working as a two-way relationship, and if all you are getting is negative, you have to make the change because the other person isn’t going to do it.
The questions you outlined are an excellent way of making the right choice 🙂
I had almost this EXACT situation happen to me, except it was when my husband and I got divorced and the friend was not my best friend, but still a close one (was one of my bridesmaids). She started hanging out with my ex’s new gf (one month after we split) and was relentless with posting their hangouts on social media which I found really hurtful (I unfollowed but still…with so many mutual friends it pops up).
Just as you wrote above I approached her with a request that she be more subtle about their friendship since the constant posting on social media was really hurting me. She reacted really poorly, accusing me of being irrational and then trash talking me to our other friends. Luckily my mom and sister were visiting me at this point and they brought me back to reality with two statements.
1- “I can’t imagine ANY of my friends ever treating me like this” (sister)
2 – “I can’t imagine any of your OTHER friends treating you like this”. (mom)
After that conversation it became crystal clear that this person was not actually acting like a friend and I was able to just let go. I don’t miss her at all, although there has been some fallout I’ve had to deal with because she was quite angry at me for ending the friendship so abruptly, I think maybe she’s embarassed? I don’t really know. Since we’re still in the same social circle I often have to deal with a lot of passive aggressive comments and jabs from her at social outings. I’ve learned to just ignore them, although it is still hurtful.
It may seem hard at the time, but I really recommend that anyone in this situation do the same thing. It doesn’t have to be a big dramatic encounter, but just remember, you have a right to protect your mind and your heart! Only give your time and love to people who would protect you as well!
Thank you for such an honest post.
Thank you for reading Lynnie!
Hi Angie, I’m glad you were able to relate to this post! I agree with you that social media can make things even harder just because you know for a fact that the two people are together. It’s a tough situation to be in, but luckily your family members were looking out for you!
Thank you Keith! You inner emotions are a great clue as to which direction you should go. I agree that not all toxic people necessarily need to be shut out of your life for practical reasons, but sometimes boundaries can be set to make the relationship work in a more healthy way.
Thank you for reading, Lisa! It was a tough situation, but eventually we must all learn to remove negative relationships in order to make room for the positive ones.
My partner is passive abusive. He would fly into rages if i spoke about a freind or went on S network or anything that made me happy. He is happy when im depressed. He says he loves me but from these articles hes addicted to having somebody but he fits the woman hater profile. Im not allowed to be myself so im leaving as your article says its better to be alone than feel alone with someone.
PLEASE leave.
It will only get worse, to degrees and in ways you cannot begin to imagine.
Your right, everything turned to lemons. I’m ok now I’ve been away 3months but still have trouble sleeping. I stayed 2yrs 1st.