“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” ~Lao Tzu
We carefully pick out what we wear to the gym to make sure we look good in the eyes of the other gymgoers.
We beat ourselves up after meetings, running through everything we said (or didn’t say), worried that coworkers will think we aren’t smart or talented enough.
We post only the best picture out of the twenty-seven selfies we took and add a flattering filter to get the most likes to prove to ourselves that we are pretty and likable.
We live in other people’s heads.
And all it does is make us judge ourselves more harshly. It makes us uncomfortable in our bodies. It makes us feel apologetic for being ourselves. It makes us live according to our perception of other people’s standards.
It makes us feel inauthentic. Anxious. Judgmental. Not good enough. Not likable enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough.
F that sh*t.
The truth is, other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their past, their judgments, their expectations, their likes, and their dislikes.
I could stand in front of twenty strangers and speak on any topic. Some of them will hate what I’m wearing, some will love it. Some will think I’m a fool, and others will love what I have to say. Some will forget me as soon as they leave, others will remember me for years.
Some will hate me because I remind them of their annoying sister-in-law. Others will feel compassionate toward me because I remind them of their daughter. Some will completely understand what I have to say, and others will misinterpret my words.
Each of them will get the exact same me. I will do my best and be the best I can be in that moment. But their opinions of me will vary. And that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
No matter what I do, some people will never like me. No matter what I do, some people will always like me. Either way, it has nothing to do with me. And it’s none of my business.
Ok, “that’s all well and good,” you may be thinking. “But how do I stop caring what other people think of me?”
1. Know your values.
Knowing your top core values is like having a brighter flashlight to get you through the woods. A duller light may still get you where you need to go, but you’ll stumble more or be led astray.
With a brighter light, the decisions you make—left or right, up or down, yes or no—become clearer and easier to make.
For years I had no idea what I truly valued, and I felt lost in life as a result. I never felt confident in my decisions, and I questioned everything I said and did.
Doing core values work on myself has made a huge impact on my life. I came to realize that “compassion” is my top core value. Now when I find myself questioning my career decisions because I’m worried about disappointing my parents (a huge trigger for me), I remind myself that “compassion” also means “self-compassion,” and I’m able to cut myself some slack.
If you value courage and perseverance and you show up at the gym even though you are nervous and have “lame” gym clothes, you don’t have to dwell on what the other gymgoers think about you.
If you value inner peace and you need to say “no” to someone who is asking for your time, and your plate is already full to the max, you can do so without feeling like they will judge you for being a selfish person.
If you value authenticity and you share your opinion in a crowd, you can do so with confidence knowing that you are living your values and being yourself.
Know your core values and which ones you value the most. Your flashlight will be brighter for it.
2. Know to stay in your own business.
Another way to stop caring about what other people think is to understand that there are three types of business in the world. This is a lesson I learned from Byron Katie, and I love it.
The first is God’s business. If the word “God” isn’t to your liking, you can use another word here that works for you, like the universe or nature. I think I like nature better, so I’ll use that.
The weather is nature’s business. Who dies and who is born is nature’s business. The body and genes you were given are nature’s business. You have no place in nature’s business. You can’t control it.
The second type of business is other people’s business. What they do is their business. What your neighbor thinks of you is his business. What time your coworker comes into work is her business. If the driver in the other car doesn’t go when the light turns green, it’s their business.
The third type of business is your business.
If you get angry with the other driver because you now have to wait at another red light, that’s your business.
If you get irritated because your coworker is late again, that’s your business.
If you are worried about what your neighbor thinks of you, that’s your business.
What they think is their business. What you think (and in turn, feel) is your business.
Whose business are you in when you’re worried about what you’re wearing? Whose business are you in when you dwell on how your joke was received at the party?
You only have one business to concern yourself with—yours. What you think and what you do are the only things you can control in life. That’s it.
3. Know that you have full ownership over your feelings.
When we base our feelings on other people’s opinions, we are allowing them to control our lives. We’re basically allowing them to be our puppet master, and when they pull the strings just right, we either feel good or bad.
If someone ignores you, you feel bad. You may think, “She made me feel this way by ignoring me.” But the truth is, she has no control over how you feel.
She ignored you, and you assigned meaning to that action. To you, that meant that you were not worth her time, or you were not likable enough, smart enough, or cool enough.
Then you felt sad or mad because of the meaning you applied. You had an emotional reaction to your own thought.
When we give ownership of our feelings over to others, we give up control over our emotions. The fact of the matter is, the only person that can hurt your feelings is you.
To change how other people’s actions make you feel, you only need to change a thought. This step sometimes takes a bit of work because our thoughts are usually automatic or even on the unconscious level, so it may take some digging to figure out what thought is causing your emotion.
But once you do, challenge it, question it, or accept it. Your emotions will follow.
4. Know that you are doing your best.
One of the annoying things my mom would say growing up (and she still says) is “You did the best you could with what you had at the time.”
I hated that saying.
I had high standards of myself, and I always thought that I could have done better. So when I didn’t meet those expectations, my inner bully would come out and beat the crap out of me.
How much of your life have you spent kicking yourself because you thought you said something dumb? Or because you showed up late? Or that you looked weird?
Every time, you did the best you could. Every. Single. Time.
That’s because everything we do has a positive intent. It may not be obvious, but it’s there.
Literally as I’m writing this post sitting in a tea shop in Portland, Maine, another patron went to the counter and asked what types of tea he could blend with his smoky Lapsang Souchong tea (a favorite of mine as well).
He hadn’t asked me, but I chimed in that maybe chaga mushroom would go well because of its earthy flavor. He seemed unimpressed with the unsolicited advice and turned back to the counter.
The old me would have taken that response to heart and felt terrible the rest of the afternoon, thinking how this guy must think I’m a dope and annoying for jumping into the conversation uninvited.
But let’s take a look at what I had in that moment:
- I had an urge to try to be helpful and a core value of kindness and compassion.
- I had an interest in the conversation.
- I had an impression that my feedback might be well received.
- I had a desire to connect with a new person on a shared interest.
I did the best I could with what I had.
Because I know that, I have no regrets. I also know that his opinion of me is none of my business, and I was living in tune with my values, trying to be helpful!
Though, I could also see how, from another perspective, forcing my way into a conversation and pushing my ideas on someone who did not ask may have been perceived as rude. And rudeness goes against my core value of compassion.
That leads me to the next lesson.
5. Know that everyone makes mistakes.
We live in a culture where we don’t often talk about how we feel. It turns out we all experience the same feelings, and we all make mistakes. Go figure!
Even if you are living in tune with your values, even if you are staying in your own business, even if you are doing your best, you will make mistakes. Without question.
So what? We all do. We all have. Having compassion for yourself comes easier when you understand that everyone has felt that way. Everyone has gone through it.
The only productive thing you can do with your mistakes is to learn from them. Once you figure out the lesson you can take from the experience, rumination is not at all necessary, and it’s time to move on.
In the case of the tea patron-interjection debacle, I could have done a better job of reading his body language and noticed that he wanted to connect with the tea sommelier and not a random stranger.
Lesson learned. No self-bullying required.
At my last company I accidentally caused a company-wide upset. A friend and coworker of mine, who had been at the company for a few years, had been asking to get a better parking spot. One became available as someone left the company, but he still was passed over.
He’s such a nice guy, and as my department was full of sarcastics, I thought it would be funny to create a pun-filled petition for him to get the better spot.
I had no idea that it was going to be taken so poorly by some people. It went up the chain of command, and it looked like our department was full of unappreciative, needy whiners.
And our boss thought it looked like I used my position to coerce people into signing it. He brought the whole department together and painfully and uncomfortably called out the whole terrible situation and demanded it never happen again.
I. Was. MORTIFIED.
He hadn’t named me, but most people knew I created it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed.
But here’s what I did:
- I reminded myself of my values. I value compassion and humor. I thought I was doing a kind but funny act for a friend.
- When I found myself worrying about what other people must now think of me, I told myself that if they thought poorly of me (of which I had no evidence), all I could do was to continue to be my best me.
- When flashbacks of that awful meeting came back to mind, flushing my face full of heat and shame, I remembered to take ownership over how I felt and not let the memory of the event or what other people think dictate how I feel now.
- I reminded myself that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I had a desire to help a friend and an idea I thought was funny and assumed would go over well.
- I realized that I made a mistake. The lesson I learned was to be more considerate of how others may receive my sense of humor. Not everyone finds me as funny as my husband does. I can make better decisions now because of it.
And after a short time, the whole incident was forgotten.
Stop worrying about what other people think. It will change your life.
About Sandy Woznicki
Sandy Woznicki is a stress coach helping parents find their inner calm and get to know, like, and trust themselves (so they can be the person, parent, and partner they are meant to be). Learn how to speak to yourself like someone you love with this free inner voice makeover workbook.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank You. You helped.
This article is so helpful. It seems like it was written for me. I felt relieved and better just after I finished. Your mom was right. We did the best we could with what we had at the time.
This is very beautiful and helpful Sandy. I am struggling yesterday because one of my colleague said something about me and I overheard it – I felt bad and sad, but now I realized that it’s no longer part of my business – after reading this article I felt so good, relieved and no longer anxious about what other people will say or think about me. I will practice these things for the rest of my life. Thanks Sandy 🙂
I really liked this article! It’s so true and deep down, we know it but it’s easy to get off track, isn’t it? I certainly do.
Hi Sandy, Thanks. I did not find it more clear than this. Your mother gave you the same advice early on, but you hated that advice. I experience this also when talking to my teenage daughters. What advice would you tell your mom in retrospect?
This is such a beautiful article, so simple and so clear!!
Thanks so much, Sandy!!
Well written, Sandy. Thank you for your honesty. I appreciated reading examples of your personal core values and how knowledge of them helps you navigate your life. That helped me better understand the concept.
SOO easy to get off track! For me it’s a conscious reminder to myself once I realize I’ve started concerning myself with other people’s opinions. Then I run through at least a few of those mindshifts and always find a way back to myself. <3 Sandy
Thanks so much for the kind words, Anuradha! <3 Sandy
While I didn’t like the advice from my mother at the time when she would say “you did the best you could at the time” I certainly believe it and appreciate it now. I think the difference is experience. I had to experience that for myself and investigate how I did in fact do the best I could at the time and learn to forgive myself for not meeting my expectations and learning what I could from the experience.
I think in retrospect what I could have used from my mother at the time in support of her saying is a better explanation of WHY the saying is true. To dig into it a bit more. That’s where you start to see your limiting beliefs coming out. Like “If I don’t do this perfectly, I failed.” Once you identify the story you’re telling yourself, you can shine a light on it and question and challenge it. I hope that helps. <3 Sandy
Yes Sandy it is 🙂 You’re such a big help.
Wonderful! It’s such a freeing feeling, isn’t it? <3 Sandy
Thank you Sandy, you are helping more people than you can imagine.
I was debating on commenting about this article, and I hope you won’t find my criticisms too harsh. First off I like the content and narration. Yet, I realise it’s one little bit that somewhat ruined the flow for me (a little) The phrase “F that sh*t” I am not a prude, but you come across as a talented writer, and although it is permissible to include colloquial phrases, I feel this could have been left out. Thank you for a great piece and it really did it home.
Loved this article! It is so insightful, just the kind of inspiration I need right now ass I struggle to become a better self. Thanks Sandy! 🙂
Tas
I loved this article. I was literally crying when I read this article. I could relate so much to this article. I will try your advice to shift my mind when I think about other people’s opinions. Thank you for this wonderful article.
Minding your own business is one of the hardest things to do, especially when it comes to the topic of yourself. As you get older, you realize that life is too short to hand over the power over it to someone else. Your business is your own as it is your choices that define you and not someone else’s reaction to your choices.
How would you recommend identifying your top core values? Is it just by self reflection or is there an excercise you can go through to help you identify what really matters?
Thank you for this article, I am 53 and having been dealing with social anxiety since early childhood (unknowingly) and your piece covers so many of the thinking habits I have had and still struggle with until this day. I have taken a copy of your article and placed it in my journal (I hope you don’t mind) and plan to remind myself in times of struggles that I have the choice to control my emotions, thoughts and feelings, and to do more in learning what my deep core values actually are. Life is a journey with continuous opportunities to learn along the way.
Thanks again!
Wow. This wasy really good. I’m so glad I found this article. It was full of tips I could use immediately. “Stay in Your Own Business” was the most helpful. The example you offered at the end was useful too. Thank you for sharing yourself and your wisdom.
So helpful! Thank you!
Hahaha! Not everyone will be happy with everything she wrote – and that is exactly what’s stated above! That would be YOUR BUSINESS.
Keep doing you, Sandy! 😃
Touche, but please decipher your post please.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. We are all works in progress. Before putting this to rest and not to belabour the point, it wasn’t “your” article but the all too common occurrence of inappropriate verbiage in journalism today as a whole. Please don’t change. You sincerely have skills as a writer and I see you taking this talent far and bestowing you much success. All the best!
Thanks T, I’m so happy it resonated with you! It’s been very validating for me to see how many people relate to this issue, even though I’ve personally come a long way with it. Cheers! Sandy
Thanks for sharing, Gomek. While I do believe everything I wrote in the article about not caring so much what other people think, there is still an element of caring that I didn’t articulate here. While I can’t control how someone will interpret me or what I say, there is still a level of compassion for others that I don’t take into account in this article, nor from a marketing perspective, speaking in the right voice to resonate with your audience. I’ll never be able to appeal to everyone with my style of writing, but I do welcome the feedback as I want to find the right balance between sharing an important message and writing in a way that is relatable to as many people as possible. In a future iteration of this piece, I will incorporate those missing elements.
And I think your feedback was done in a kind way, which I appreciate. You’re right, that sentence does not add value to the content. But it’s there because it is an element of my personality, so I like it 🙂 Cheers, Sandy
You’re welcome, Tas! Thanks for sharing <3 Sandy
Thank you for that feedback, Leila. Sometime’s its tough to incorporate personal examples, putting your life out there for others to see. But I was hoping it would help drive home the lessons here. Cheers, Sandy
You can certainly do this with self reflection, Hayley. For those who seek guidance, I have a system I use with my clients to help them identify their top core values as well as anti-values, and a process to rank them in order of priority which is incredibly helpful to understand about one’s self especially when it comes to decision making. Cheers, Sandy
I agree, Anna, that the feeling of “life’s too short” that you only get later in life helps in this process. I should find a way to incorporate that into a future iteration of this piece. Cheers, Sandy
Wow, I’m honored to have my article added to your journal, Jenny! Wishing you much love and luck on your life’s journey, please enjoy the ride! Love, Sandy
thank you!
I really enjoyed your article. I feel like I can do this in most situations in my life. But how do you handle the emotional feelings when one of your children’s spouses don’t seem to like you. You do your best, and It is not your business but … It really feels like it should be. Any thoughts would be truly appreciated.
Hey Barb, I totally understand and can relate. We want the people in our lives to like us. And maybe your child-in-law does like you – you said they don’t “seem” to like you. That sounds to me like you might be making an assumption here. But whether or not they like you – the reason it feels crappy if they don’t like you is because of the meaning you’re applying to it. That it means you’re not likable enough, smart enough, smart enough, good enough… You live in tune with your values, do your best, learn from your mistakes. All you can do is your best. And it sounds like you are.
You are right! Thank you, i will do my best, just like I always told my kids too 😊. I will keep working on it!
We do not have to worry or think that what are other people thinking about me. You can check the facial expression. It is said, if you give love to someone, he will give you love.
So very helpful. Thank you Sandy for your insight and your ability to communicated so effectivly.
I really found this article insightful, and I’ll have to read it again. I’ve been told that I take things personally and my last job I was told that I lacked self confidence when it came to reception. But I never worked so hard in my life. I did my best. I’m also an unpublished writer, and there will be those that won’t like what I wrote. Reading your article is helping me accept that easier. Thank you so much. I plan to read it again.
That’s wonderful to hear, Tina! Best of luck!
Thank you for the kind works, Kathleen!
How true is that, all is in the mind if we can control mind we can get so many different directions and things to solve any particular problem.
One of the wisest thing a human can do is to accept mistake and learn from it and if possible try to share the wisdom about his journey and how he fight and made himself.
Really wonderful article Sandy..Thanks for Posting!!
That lifted a huge burden off my back. Thank you so much.
Hey Sandy, Thank you and I apologise (first).
Reason being, I did not read the full article (yet).
However the first statement, or quote, gave me a great tight slap to my mind.
I always read that yes, we should not allow others affect how we think, because of “abc”, “xyz” reasons. But never I truly felt the below statement so strongly by just that one word.
Thank you for sharing this, I appreciate it much Sandy.
Well written and clearly I enjoyed reading this article. So, Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience. I believe it will help me to develop myself further.
Thank you Sandy! Really needed this.
I love this post!! So true and helpful 🙂
Thanks for posting this article, Sandy! 🙂 It’s one that I have saved, (on my desktop) and one that I return to.
Thank you for writing this article.
I attended a course yesterday and I asked some questions in the class. But the instructor did not understand my questions well (or I was not able to explain). Also, English is not my first language so I guess that was another barrier for me to explain what I was trying to say. Since then, I had been feeling embarrassed that what other people had been thinking about me.
To make myself feel better, I searched on internet and found this article. You are so right. I am feeling a so much better now. I really need to learn to overcome this emotion.
Very well written article. I related. And I will also try and ground some of this advice personally. It was nice to see this. I think alot of us just need to realize that not everyone likes us. And there may come a time that you find yourself without any positive affirmations about yourself other than what you might think of yourself. Its nice to have friends so you know yourself a bit better to a degree; but if you don’t fully know yourself and there isn’t positive family or friends involved then your thoughts can be horrific when it comes to what others think because you might feel singled out and your conscious isn’t exactly agreeing with your justifications no matter what that may be. And i know it sounds easy when written but when your life feels judged by others it can be very bad. I’ve dealt with this for years and it tore me apart and then it gets tiring and disabling. You know your worth more but sometimes people can be so crappy that you take it into account that it was you. Doesn’t matter what it is but all you know is its you and your thoughts and you try and justify a situation based off of fears instead of having a higher sense of self esteem. I doubt my own words and actions sometimes but in the end it comes out as a positive. So I guess my advice here is: be more confidence in knowing your brain functionality can be reversed based off what your doing to evolve as a person no matter what age. Your diet, exercise, and what other people think of you. And there’s always something that can be limiting you from achieving these potentials because this article isn’t just caring what others think. I believe it goes further.
Terrific article Sandy! So glad it came to my inbox. My manageable, mild social anxiety has seemed to increase in the last 2 years with the required Covid isolation everyone has endured. Being an introvert… I’ve been very happy stuck at home..lol! But I’ve noticed that it’s now become much harder for me to get out and get groceries, run errands, or to even just go out for a walk. All my little tricks for getting out and coping with the public and my anxiety don’t seem to work anymore. Today I was able to get groceries and run errands… just by periodically reminding myself…. “It is my responsibility to be a kind, compassionate, respectful human being. Everything and everyone else is not my business or my responsibility. ” Just this small, mindful act has helped tremendously!! I felt a little sliver of freedom when I was out today! Thank you!! 💕 I’m printing out this article and keeping it close to reread when I feel my anxiety begin to overwhelm me. I feel the need to clarify that if something is going on that goes against my morals and values… like abuse or crime… I will stand up and say something. This type of self-care where “other people are not my business”, does not mean I will or should put up with inappropriate behaviour.